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Self Deception

Sexual addicts are masters at lying. Many years of their lives have been marked by deception much like the alcoholic. The double life has been developed so carefully that even their closest friends and family may not know of their sexual addiction.

In our society sexual addiction is thought of by most people as being equally heinous as being a homosexual, or as having AIDS. In the Christian sub-culture, people with AIDS are treated with compassion. They are viewed as terminally ill people who should be pitied, evangelized, and cared for until they die.

The church however, is not sure what to do with sexual addicts, especially if they are members of the church who are contributing in some form of leadership. It's no wonder then that sexual addicts try to keep their "problem" covered up.

So the dual life of "Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde" begins. The addict’s public life seems very exemplary -- the good family person, effective at work, involved in community activities, and the local church.

But the secret life of sexual addiction -- the Internet, affairs, pornography, adult bookstores, phone sex, topless bars, sexual harassment at work, secret rendezvous, prostitutes, homosexual liaisons, and all the other violations -- continues in the shadows of the double life. Sometimes the two lives are so completely separated in the addict’s mind that they really are a split personality a true "Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde".



The Addicted Woman


The sexual addict living the double life is not going to be helped unless he or she brings the addiction into the light. In the Bible, John chapter 4, there is a story of Jesus meeting with a woman at Jacobs well. It's the story of the sexually addicted woman.

In that day a man could divorce his wife for any small reason. But here's a woman who has had five husbands, and she currently is living with a man who is not her husband. The tone of the story clearly indicates that the multiple marriages were her problem, not her five husbands.

This woman is also an outcast in her village. She is treated as a prostitute by the other women of the community. Normally women came to draw water from the well early in the morning before the heat of the day. It was a social time when women visited with each other. But this woman was not included as a part of the social community.

Jesus and his disciples arrive at the well about midday. The disciples go into town to get some food, while Jesus remains at the well. This sexually addicted outcast woman arrives to draw water. Jesus asks for a drink. The woman is surprised because Jews have nothing to do with Samaritans, besides it was considered inappropriate for a man to be alone with a woman who was not his wife.

Jesus responded, "If you only knew what a wonderful gift God has for you, and who I am, you would ask me for some living water!" The woman seems puzzled, since he has no rope or bucket to get any water, and she wonders out loud, "Where will you get this living water?", "Are you greater than our ancestor Jacob?"

Jesus speaks again, "But the water I give them, becomes a perpetual spring within them, watering them forever with eternal life." Now the woman is interested and she wants this water so that she will not have to make this humiliating trip everyday.

Jesus is going to bring her secret life out into the open. He says to her, "Go and get your husband." She says, "I'm not married." Now Jesus brings her life into the light, "All [That] is true! For you have had five husbands, and you aren't even married to the man you or living with now."

Now noticed the typical addicts response -- diverting the subject from the sexual problem. She starts a discussion about where people ought to worship, Jerusalem or Samaria. Jesus kindly answers her question by saying it is not where we worship, but how we worship.

She continues her distracting tactics by now trying to talk about the coming Messiah. Jesus responds very directly, "I am the Messiah!" Just then the disciples return and are surprised to see Jesus talking to a woman.

The woman abruptly leaves for town. But she forgets to take her water pot. She goes back to town without water -- but with a great story, "Come and meet a man who told me everything I ever did!" Jesus had helped her to face everything she ever did. He also helped her to "Go public" with her past life.

The story ends with the people streaming out of the village to meet Jesus, and with many of them beleiving that he truly is the Messiah, the Savior of the world.


Escaping the Double Life

How can the pattern of deceptive living be broken? Usually sexual addicts, like the woman in the story, will not stop living the deceptive life without being confronted. It's just too painful to face yourself and your community--especially if they feel that sexual addict's are hopeless.

But if you're reading this website you probably have already crossed that line. If however, you have not fully come into the light, here's what you need to do:

  • Find a counselor who specializes in sexual addiction and who knows how to connect you with other sexual addicts.
  • Locate and attend weekly S.A. meetings.
  • Choose a strong sponsor from one of the people in your home S.A. group.
  • Tell your sponsor and your counselor the exact nature and extent of your sexual acting out.
  • Honestly tell the whole story as you write your first step as part of your 12-step program.
  • Publicly give your first step away to your home group.
  • Invite your mate to attend S-ANON meetings and to be with you in some of your counseling sessions.
  • Work the 12-step program.

Thousands of recovering sexual addict's know the inner peace of living a life without deception, and without being controlled by lust. You can have that same peace.

Conway / Farrel Articles ~    Reprint by permission only,  ©2011

Midlife Dimensions ~ www.Midlife.com


The Conways and Farrels are international speakers and popular authors.

Midlife Dimensions is a ministry founded by the Conways and continued by the Farrels.