Midlife Dimensions

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What Is Your Advice For Those Who Wish To Remarry?

First, thoroughly understand why you married your first partner. What needs attracted you to them, then ask why that marriage fell apart. You must first come fully to the point where you can recognize your fault and theirs, without blaming it all on them.

Sometimes people say, "Well, my spouse had an affair, so the marriage broke up." The question still remains, "Why did the affair happen." What part did you have in contributing to an atmosphere which made your spouse vulnerable to an affair?

It will be extremely helpful to discuss with a close friend, professional counselor, or your pastor, exactly why you got married and why the marriage collapsed. Then you’ll have a full understanding of who you, are and your part in the marriage collapse.

Second, confess to God your part in the marriage collapse. Ask God to forgive you, but more than that, ask him to heal you. Ask God to help you grow so that the same error is not repeated.

Third, allow sufficient time to elapse between your divorce and any future remarriage. You need a minimum of a year to work through some of the growth process which must take place in your life, and to allow for some of the issues from your past to settle down. Don't start looking for another mate until a year has gone by. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't have companionship and friendships. But it does mean that you need to commit yourself to allowing this amount of time to elapse so you can be healed and not make a hasty jump into another marriage. If you move too fast, you will probably unconsciously choose someone very similar to your first mate and set up the circumstances for a second divorce.

A side observation: If you've been involved in an affair or an off-and-on dating relationship with someone before your marriage broke up, remember that the statistics say it's probably not going to work. Our clear, direct advice is, "Don't marry anybody with whom you've had an affair before your divorce or anybody with whom you get involved in the first six months to a year after your divorce."

Fourth, your loneliness will make you extremely vulnerable.

Even though you don't feel like it, try to expand the circle of friends you can depend on. The temptation will be to lean on one or two people and then feel guilty when you wear them out. Get into a small Bible study and sharing group, and give those people an opportunity to support you during this healing transition following your divorce.

Fifth, remember that God loves you. You may feel very crummy, unloved, and worthless. Christians may try to reinforce what a "bad girl" you are--but remember that God loves you. He wants you restored, healing, and growing.

When you wonder whether or not he loves you, think of this promise from Psalm 89: "If his children forsake my laws and don’t obey them, then I will punish them, but I will never completely take away my loving-kindness from them, not let my promise fail. No, I will not break my covenant; I will not take back one word of what I said" (Psalm 89:30 - 34).


Conway / Farrel Articles ~    Reprint by permission only,  ©2011

Midlife Dimensions ~ www.Midlife.com

  

The Conways and Farrels are international speakers and popular authors.

Midlife Dimensions is a ministry founded by the Conways and continued by the Farrels.