Midlife Dimensions


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May 24, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:16 Still: Dr. C., I continuously try to show my H kindness, compassion, patience, and understanding. Sometimes H is cordial, but often he isn't even extending polite courtesy. I have concerns about what this teaches our young children. What are your thoughts?

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 Still: When you are alone with your young children, explain to them that daddy is going through a hard time in his life right now and he needs our patience and our prayers. Try as much as possible to ignore some of his outbreaks - they may be indicators that he's not ready to trust the marriage relationship yet. Keep working on personal growth and changing.

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May 3, 2010 / Jim Conway

6:16 Plumcrazy: Jim-- H and I were talking calmly then I guess I talked to him to long cause he got VERY nasty about my past. He had me in shreds. Since then he has been very nice and was even sneaking looks at me in the car when I picked him up. Why the big change in his behavior? WHY better behavior after the nastiness?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 Plumcrazy: It sounds as if he has been wanting to tell you off for some time. And it appears to have released some of his internal anger. I would encourage you to surrender this whole episode to God and not dwell on what was said.

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April 19, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:22 buttons25: Dr. Jim... my H is in full-blown MLC... he is in the house... due to an accident on his "holiday" and now a herniated belly button operation... I know God is with me but do you have other suggestions for living with him and not becoming down?

6:30 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:22 buttons25: It is very important that you are connected with people outside your home such as the chat room group, or a group of women in your area. Also, it's important to have regular quiet times of reading the Bible and letting God nourish you so that you don't get pulled down by your husband's situation.

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April 5, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:23 evaline: Jim, all of a sudden my H is now calling me. wished me Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, I know he & the OW are still together... I am scared I think he is just trying to suck me back into calling him and being friends but I had to detach from my H and I stopped verbal contact for my emotional stability because when I would talk to him the rejection made me feel so unhappy, Now all of a sudden he is calling me , wished Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, but I am scared he is trying to sucker me back into calling him and being his fried to make himself feel good that he has two women the OW and the wife pursuing him.

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 evaline: Often the husband will do some testing to see if there's still a relationship with his wife before he will give up the other woman. Just take it slow and make sure your encouragement and stability are with God and not depending on what your husband does.

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CR#2, Mon. 4-5-10, 6-7 pm PST

6:01 LisaK [Programmer]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he'll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via Paypal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: It's great to see spring flowers starting to grow and it looks like we finally may be done with winter. This week I will be sending the publisher the revision of the book, "Your Husband's Midlife Crisis". Over the years I've received many requests to put it back in print, and I've finally completed a massive revision and update. We're hoping it will be available in July 2010. So, what would you all like to talk about today?

6:04 Swanlake: hello everyone

6:04 BlueSky: HI Lisa, hope you are well, and not shaking so much

6:04 bethel: Evening all, beautiful day in the west!

6:04 BlueSky: Hey bethel, Plum Swan faithfull Still and Jim

6:04 Plumcrazy: Jim----Hello Nice to see you here

6:04 Still: Hi everyone!

6:04 Cricket2: Hi all - Hope everyone had a nice Easter.

6:04 faithfull: Hello everyone.

6:04 Plumcrazy: Cricket---Hello

6:04 faithfull: All and Jim h text me to say Happy Easter. I have not heard from him months. I sent him some pictures. He thanks me for them. And now he is back to hiding.

6:06 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 faithfull: Sending the pictures were very appropriate.

6:04 Plumcrazy: Jim---We have had some flooding here. Everyone in the area is cleaning up

6:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 Plumcrazy: We're sorry the northeast has been hit so badly. The weather has been crazy all over the country. Hawaii is experiencing a draught, and so is the upper Midwest.

6:04 bethel: Dr Jim, I'm currently towards the end of d proceedings and it has not gone too good for h. Today he emailed me and asked "what are the chances of firing lawyers and mediating" Not sure how to respond. Any thoughts?

6:09 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 bethel: It's better to stay with your lawyers who will probably protect you better. The best course of action is just to ignore his emails for now.

6:05 Swanlake: Jim - that is wonderful, we often recommend it to members in chat and it seems to be getting harder and harder to find used copies for sale, with it back in print, so many will benefit.

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:05 Swanlake: Thanks for your encouragement and prayer; I started this revision process in 2004. So it has been a long time coming. I guess I struggled with rewriting Sally's book - lots of memories.

6:05 Cricket2: Jim - Yes most all our new members do ask about Your H's MLC - So glad to hear you updated it, I know it will be popular.'

6:06 BlueSky: Jim, congratulations on your big endeavor, look forward to it

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:05 Cricket2, BlueSky6:06: Thanks for your encouragement and prayer; I started this revision process in 2004. So it has been a long time coming. I guess I struggled with rewriting Sally's book - lots of memories.

6:06 Cricket2: MAS - How did last night go?

6:06 Still: Jim, that is wonderful that the book with be revised and back out. I refer to it all the time.

6:06 MAS: Hello everyone.

6:07 Plumcrazy: Cricket--Can you share with Jim some of what you did with me about things I said in the past to H and it made you cringe. I am still wondering why I did that, Maybe Jim would have some insight

6:07 Swanlake: bethel - many times the MLCer wants to get rid of lawyers and go with mediation because they believe they can manipulate the mediator into convincing you to give them whatever they want, not to mention it is much cheaper.

6:08 Cricket2: Faithfull - I’m sure the pix touched his heart. So good that he texted to thank you. He may pull away as he's filled with memories, but I’m sure God is working.

6:08 koko: all-does anyone have a Women in MLC

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:08 koko: You can find copies on Amazon at http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20

6:08 bethel: swan, I agree. I just do not want to say "no" outright. I guess I'm looking for words

6:09 Still: Jim, I shared with some of the others a huge praise this week. My h and I made plans for a family vacation this summer. He even had me put down the deposit to hold it. I was elated.

6:12 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:09 Still: We are very encouraged with your news. Think carefully about what issues have helped your husband change his course a little bit - then keep doing those things which are causing a positive response from him.

6:09 Swanlake: koko - there are members who have wives in MLC, none of them are here at the moment, but tonight you have the benefit of Dr. Conway who counsels both men and women, he can give you great insight, additionally he has books available for women in midlife similar to his Men in Midlife book.

6:09 ndakmom: Jim- last week my H texted me that he was thinking about moving home into the kid's playroom, he's been gone for 4 months, I made a HUGE mistake and pushed why he wanted to come back and where he felt we stood. He's still coming around but I feel I did some major damage, no more talk on him coming home, and I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to fix this. Any suggestions?

6:14 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:09 ndakmom: Keep working on your changes and keep looking for positive opportunities for connection with your husband - you have not blown your chances.

6:10 bethel: Dr. Jim, really? ignore the email? Thoughts about forwarding email to my lawyer?

6:14 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:10 bethel: generally it's not a good idea to forward email to your lawyer.

6:10 BlueSky: all, do you remember a few weeks back the person here who suggested SparkPeople? Plum, I think you may remember, was it Jo? I want to give credit to her

6:10 Cricket2: Plum - You might tell him that we talked about you & H going tit for tat and how he pushed your buttons or you'd find yourself defensive & lash out & not sure why.

6:10 MAS: Cricket: Well, I decided to take everyone's advice and went out to dinner. I think that had I NOT gone, it would probably have been a mark against me from my H's perspective. I don't think there were any benefits to my going other than that though.

6:11 Cricket2: koko - We actually have 4-5 male members who's W's are in mlc.

6:11 Swanlake: Bethel - you might start by asking him what he hopes will be accomplished by using mediators verses lawyers, you need to understand what is going on in his head before, then you will consider it and let him know.

6:12 Plumcrazy: Jim--I have seen H making big improvements lately. then the other night in bed I heard H talking to God. I was facing away from him &couldn’t make out what he was saying as I have hearing loss in that ear. I was so tempted to turn to hear but didn’t

6:16 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:12 Plumcrazy: We all are glad you've been seeing improvements lately. Again, it's important to think about what is causing the improvement and keep doing more of that.

6:12 Swanlake: Jim - Lots of memories, but I believe that she is watching over you, smiling from ear to ear seeing all that you do to help so many hurting people.

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:12 Swanlake: Thanks for your encouragement and thanks for all of your help. All of us are so very grateful for you and your contribution.

6:14 Plumcrazy: Hannah---Hello

6:14 Hannah2: Plum how did your h visit to the doctors go?

6:14 Cricket2: Jim - Plum asked me to share this: I noticed that she tends to become defensive quickly with her H, they've seen to go tit for tat -sometimes he pushes her buttons, but sometimes she snaps out before he does. She wondered if you know why she does this

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:14 Cricket2: When a person snaps quickly, they are frequently dealing with issues such as perfectionism, and stress or fatigue. Encourage her to build more calmness into her life, use more music, spend more time letting God quiet her spirit, and continue to work on her perfectionism.

6:14 MAS: Cricket: It was a fairly pleasant evening without any incidences occurring, either positive or negative.

6:14 Plumcrazy: Hannah----H didn’t go cause he didn’t get the blood work done, Don’t know if he got it rescheduled or not

6:15 Plumcrazy: Cricket---Yes you explained it right

6:16 koko: Jim- still looking forward to speaking w you soon, busy week, did celebrate Easter w family going to church together, then spent day by the ocean,76 degrees in northeast on Sunday

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 koko: I'm looking forward to chatting with you at your convenience.

6:16 Hannah2: Plum that is sad because he waited so long for that appointment

6:16 ndakmom: Jim- that's reassuring, I've really been beating myself up about my pushing. H did connect with me over the weekend by sharing his desire to purchase a motorcycle and I supported him and even helped him look into financing, I think he was surprised by my support, I'm hoping he'll see that I do support him, no matter what it is

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 ndakmom: He probably sees your support, but as a typical guy he won't respond.

6:16 Cricket2: MAS - That's good. I know we all felt this was a good thing for you both. Your H sees how nice things can be with you & to see he can have dinner with you without a lot of questions or drama. Hopefully it was nice for all. BlueSky & I thought of you

6:17 Plumcrazy: Hannah----things have improved with H over the past 3 weeks a lot

6:17 Hannah2: Plum that is sad because he waited so long for that appointment

6:18 Cricket2: Plum - I know Jim prefers if you ask the question so you might follow up on this & your thoughts.

6:19 Tamashii: All- Got a job. Part time and a contract, but it beats unemployment and I can sharpen my skills.

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:19 Tamashii: Congratulations! Yay for you and God!

6:19 koko: Tamashii- how long has your W been in mlc?

6:19 bethel: Dr Jim, OK Since d is nearly complete, is there anything I can do now. H was done nothing but complain that d is still not done

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:19 bethel: just keep working with your lawyer and delaying the process as long as possible. Remember - if it goes through, it doesn't mean it's the end.

6:20 Still: All, my h has been looking at sports cars for the last two years. His car has over 250,000 miles and he has been looking at an impractical sports car instead of a regular car. Last weekend he purchased a regular car....I am very grateful.

6:20 Cricket2: Plum - I think Jim's answer fits with what I was sharing. When you can avoid being pulled into the tit for tat & not let your H push your buttons and also avoid snapping at him when you're tired or hurting, I think there will be more good times

6:21 Cricket2: Tamashii - Can you introduce yourself to koko - He'd just asked if there are men who's W's are in mlc here.

6:22 Plumcrazy: Jim-----H got extremely nasty with me and I told him. I want to be treated like a PERSON and not a piece of TRASH. H hung his head and after that I started seeing small improvements in how he speaks to me and shows me respect

6:35 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:22 Plumcrazy: it's a difficult judgment call about when to speak up for yourself and when to let some stuff slide.

6:22 Hannah2: Plum that is good. But they have their ups and downs and we don't know when they will happen.

6:23 evaline: Jim, all of a sudden my H is now calling me. wished me Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, I know he & the OW are still together... I am scared I think he is just trying to suck me back into calling him and being friends but I had to detach from my H and I stopped verbal contact for my emotional stability because when I would talk to him the rejection made me feel so unhappy, Now all of a sudden he is calling me , wished Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, but I am scared he is trying to sucker me back into calling him and being his fried to make himself feel good that he has two women the OW and the wife pursuing him

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 evaline: Often the husband will do some testing to see if there's still a relationship with his wife before he will give up the other woman. Just take it slow and make sure your encouragement and stability are with God and not depending on what your husband does.

6:24 MAS: Cricket: Thank you, Cricket. I just wish I didn't feel so discouraged as I often do after spending time with him.

6:24 Plumcrazy: Tamashii---How long is the contract? Often if they like your work they will extend your contract or the company may directly hire you. I wish you the best of luck

6:24 Cricket2: Tamashii - GREAT NEWS - PTL

6:24 bethel: Dr Jim, during the remaining time should or should not help him with stuff? e.g. his taxes

6:37 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:24 bethel: helping with taxes etc is ok as long as he doesn't feel you are mothering him.

6:25 Cricket2: Jim - Thank you. I shared with her that sometimes she snaps before her H gives her reason, other times she lets him push her buttons. She really wants to zip her lips but it's been a struggle and I haven't been sure how to advise her. Thanks

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:25 Cricket2: let me know if what I mentioned earlier helps you as you work with Plum.

6:26 koko: all-has anyone read the book "When Love Dies" if so thoughts?

6:26 MarySarah: Hannah2 Hi darling, how was your Easter?

6:26 BlueSky: all is everyone else having a slow chat? I am wondering if it is my computer.

6:26 MarySarah: Hello, I am getting kicked off here

6:27 Cricket2: MAS - It's typical to feel down afterwards as it's such a reminder of the good times you two shared. BUT remember this; it's a big reminder for him too. ALSO if you can make these times all together fun and no pressure, it helps even more remind him

6:27 Tamashii: KOKO: Hello! Sorry that you have to be here, but you're among friends. I'm Tamashii, which, in Japanese means "spirit."

6:28 Plumcrazy: Jim---I know that wasn’t the best way to handle it and that is an example of my mouth getting me into trouble. But I have also changed what I do by not worrying or questioning about the online game he plays. I don’t react when he makes comments

6:28 Tamashii: Jim: He did it. I just went to the interview... :-)

6:28 Cricket2: Lisa/Jim - My computer locked up, white screen. I tried to refresh but finally had to force quit and then had trouble logging back in. Just FYI

6:30 sbky: hello

6:30 MAS: Is something wrong with the chat room tonight?

6:30 Cricket2: evaline - They truly aren't enjoying their cake & eating it too. They are struggling as part of them is so afraid to lose you, the other part is drawn to the OW. OW is like a drug. They also worry we can never forgive them so they can never come home

6:30 Tamashii: Koko: Hard to exactly say, but she dropped the bomb 4 years ago. I haven't seen her since. It was an elaborately planned deception.

6:30 Still: I guess it isn't just me with the computer issues.

6:31 MAS: I keep getting kicked off and I'm unable to scroll down.

6:31 Cricket2: MAS - If you have Bittersweet's cell phone number, you might want to call her. She's struggling while caring for her BIL who has stage 4 cancer

6:31 MarySarah: evaline, if he is coming towards you, then pray about each interaction with him. I am sure you have fears, pray against those. My H after 2 years can hardly ever even say hello when I answer the phone. He grunts a kid's name is all

6:31 ndakmom: All- I got stuck twice, then logged out and took a bit to get back in

6:31 bethel: Tamashii, excellent - congrats on the contract!


6:32 MarySarah: Wow, I guess we still have some bugs in the room tonight, lol Let's rebuke satan in agreement that our chat can start running smoothly

6:32 Hannah2: I'm not getting the message until a few minutes later sbky.

6:32 sbky: still I lost 19 pounds so far

6:33 Still: Hi sbky....how are you doing on your plan?

6:33 Cricket2: sbky - WOW that is wonderful I bet you're ahead of Jim at that rate but you both are doing great! I am so proud of you.

6:33 MAS: Cricket: I spoke to Bittersweet this morning. I know that she is not doing very well and I'm starting to get concerned about HER now. How was she able to get in touch with you? She said that she didn't have her computer with her.

6:33 Snickerdoodle: sbky: 19 pounds, that's awesome. way to go!

6:33 Still: sbky....I am sooooo proud of you!

6:33 sbky: Dr. Conway. I have seen a few nice small signs. but my d is in so much pain right now. she comes home from softball and says : I hate my dad.. "

6:34 Cricket2: MAS - She sent me a message on her cell phone. I was rushing to a meeting so sent her an email which I know she can get on her phone.

6:34 sbky: snickerdoodle thanks

6:34 Plumcrazy: Sbky---19 lbs that is WONDERFUL

6:34 ndakmom: Jim- if my H does decide to move back home, he will be sleeping in another room, so it will be more like roommates, do I treat him as a roommate or as a husband, like do I cook his meals, do his laundry, and all the stuff I did before he left

6:35 MarySarah: Jim, I am really discouraged. My H's ow isn't satisfied enough having my H now she cont harder to steal the affections of our children & my entire life, same social groups, even copies what groups I have on FB & asking my MIL on vacation alone with her in order to convince my H to go with her & even is using that fact about MIL going to convince our kids to go

6:35 BlueSky: Plum, I asked earlier but don't know if you saw it, do you remember who suggested SparkPeople for dieting? Was it Jo?

6:35 Cricket2: ndakmom - I would - I'd show your H how nice being home is. At first they need to see that we can forgive them and that our changes are real. Jim told me that rebuilding the friendship first is great. I bet as you do things for him, he will too.

6:36 MAS: Cricket: I'm glad she was able to get in touch with you, but I'm still very concerned about her. I'm afraid she's starting on that downward spiral again.

6:36 MarySarah: SBKY congrats on the 19lbs! You're beautiful person!

6:36 sbky: blue I am not sure who suggested it.. the sparks thing

6:36 Cricket2: BlueSky - Jo did recommend a different program I didn't know so it may have been her

6:37 sbky: Dr. Conway my d wrote her dad a note telling him how she feels. and she is getting a reaction out of him.. he is treating her like I usually get treated.. he is hateful and cranky with her. I told her at least it was a reaction

6:37 Swanlake: sbky - congrats, that is wonderful, your dedication has been fantastic.

6:37 sbky: Dr. Conway. she said he was nice to you yesterday and hateful with me

6:37 Cricket2: MAS - Yes I worried about that too with Bittersweet - I really wish she'd have brought her laptop. She could have set it up while there. Her H gave her a new one but she hadn't set it up yet.

6:38 MarySarah: Jim per 6:36 What about those situations when it seems our H's NEVER look back & are just completely set on our failure & destruction & can forget everything so easily. My H cont to have NO consequences & is having/ doing more than ever & with less

6:38 ndakmom: cricket- thanks, that makes sense

6:38 Still: ndakmom, I think you know that my h and I live as roommates. I do all his laundry and cook the meals. He has always been very courteous about letting me know if he is going to be late for dinner etc. I enjoy doing things for him...

6:39 MarySarah: Jim cont effort. How does any wife compete with that or motivate a H to come back. It's almost like my H gloats @ having dumped me & having what he wants without any real losses. How can I build any connection @ all?

6:40 MAS: Cricket: Bittersweet said that her H is making a brief trip home and that he might bring her laptop back with him. I really hope she gets access to the internet very soon.

6:41 MarySarah: SBKY 6:37 That is so sad, but my H treats anyone who he controls well on the surface @ least & anyone who is real & honest, (child inc) will get the shaft. My little one has to fight that too.

6:41 Plumcrazy: Bluesky--I think it was Jo

6:41 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: WE ARE HAVING TECH PROBS TONIGHT

6:41 Cricket2: MAS - I'm sure he'll bring it to her if she asks him about it.

March 29, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:14 ndakmom: Jim- spent a wonderful weekend with H, he was here most of the weekend, H watched a movie with me on Saturday and even made dinner on Saturday without me even asking. Today I’ve had absolutely no contact, should I wait for him to contact me?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:14 ndakmom: You are experiencing classic male and female differences. If a boy smiles at a junior high girl, she expects him to ask her for a date. Generally women project too much into small moves that men make. Your husband on the other hand is thinking, "wow, I spent all that time with her, now I don't have to contact her for several days or maybe even a couple of weeks." You can see that there is a vast difference between males and females. That's why it's important to keep you stability with God, and not on some small innuendo from your husband.

6:04 LisaK [Programmer]: Hi Chat Room Guests. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I enjoy serving the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through the tough times of midlife crisis. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to make a tax-deductible donation to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you. Jim will be online with us momentarily, he will read your questions and dictate his replies to me so I can type them for you to read. Jim has time for all questions that are posted before the end of the hour. Thanks for understanding.

6:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: Hi Everyone, Sorry I’m here late, I was on a long distance call. What should we talk about?

6:04 Cricket2: Hi Lisa & Still - How are you tonight?

6:05 Still: Hi Cricket....just fine, and you?

6:05 Swanlake: Hello all, hope you are all doing good and experiencing the many blessings God has for you.

6:06 BlueSky: Hi Lisa, Cricket, Still Swan and Koko

6:06 Still: Hi Blue!

6:06 ndakmom: Hi everyone!

6:06 Cricket2: Still - I’m doing well, it was a day of many errands but felt good to get things accomplished.

6:07 koko: hi everybody

6:07 Still: Cricket, I would imagine most of your days are filled with errands....cyber and otherwise. :-)

6:07 Cricket2: Hi BlueSky, Ndakmom & koko - Good to see you all. We have some more rain coming in tonight, drizzle today but we can't complain on the West Coast with all the weather they've had through so much of the country.

6:08 ndakmom: cricket- we had a beautiful day here, was able to spend some time outside with the kids, it was great!

6:08 bethel: hi all, storm coming in now and expecting 100 mph winds

6:08 Cricket2: Still - YES it's to a point I don't count the cyber ones. I had planned to meet a friend to play golf but with the weather change, golf was cancelled and I got many things accomplished for other projects.

6:08 ndakmom: bethel- wow, what state are you in?

6:09 sbky: hello

6:09 Cricket2: ndakmom - We'd had great weather last week and it was so nice to be outside so I can't complain.

6:09 bethel: ndak NV

6:09 bethel: hi Dr Jim

6:09 Still: Cricket, Sounds like God literally sent you a "rain check".

6:09 Cricket2: Ndakmom - It just lifts the spirits when we get some good weather after a long winter.

6:10 ndakmom: cricket- yes, I totally agree, especially where I live, we spend most of the winter indoors

6:10 Cricket2: Still - You are right. I'd actually felt like I shouldn't have gone but the friend really encouraged me. So this way I didn't feel like I let her down.

6:10 sbky: Jim encouragement. can they really change from this no caring person back to a loving person it is so hard to believe sometimes

6:13 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:10 sbky: Keep remembering that your situation is very much like looking at the stock market. If you watch it moment by moment, it jumps up and down and can drive you crazy. But if you look at it over a period of 6 months or over a year, then you can see a gradual pattern of change. Keep asking God to give you a long view of this situation.

6:10 Cricket2: Bethel - Hope you're feeling a little better this evening.

6:10 Cricket2: Hi MAS & Evaline, Sbky - good to see you all.

6:11 BlueSky: all, I hope Saam shows up, I want to know how her weekend went with her h.

6:11 bethel: Dr Jim, last week you mentioned, we should become tougher with our interactions with ex. could you provide a couple examples

6:15 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:11 bethel: 1st, generally try to stall divorce proceedings as long as you can. 2nd, when your husband is ready to come back, make sure you go through adequate joint counseling so that you work through all of the previous problems.

6:11 evaline: Hello, All

6:11 Cricket2: BlueSky - I sent Tamashii a reminder so hopefully he'll join us too.

6:11 Cricket2: BlueSky - Only thing is that I remember his martial arts class it tonight.

6:12 BlueSky: Cricket, good thing, cuz I forgot, I am multitasking right now

6:12 MAS: Hello, Cricket. Hello all.

6:12 bethel: cricket, I hanging in there. Since a little down but God has been good. I got the house in the pre d hearing and refinance @ 4.65%

6:12 koko: Jim is it an advantage to be living together even as roomates,if so what are they?

6:16 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:12 koko: Living in the same house has the advantage of not having to explain to all of the family and friends your struggle. However, unless each of you are growing and changing to more adequately meet each other's needs, then you will likely keep drifting apart. So the question is "not if it's ok to be roommates" - but rather "are you changing to meet each other's needs?"

6:13 BlueSky: bethel, great rate! I think I am going to have to do that too.

6:13 Cricket2: Bethel - Do you mean after D we should be tougher in our interaction with our spouses? I wonder if you misunderstood. I think Jim tells us to still be friendly and warm, keeping connected is good.

6:13 Still: sbky, I agree. I miss the considerate person who would never miss the opportunity to be courteous. Not mean, just not particularly caring either so very different than he was before.

6:14 ndakmom: Jim- spent a wonderful weekend with H, he was here most of the weekend, H watched a movie with me on Saturday and even made dinner on Saturday without me even asking. Today I’ve had absolutely no contact, should I wait for him to contact me?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:14 ndakmom: You are experiencing classic male and female differences. If a boy smiles at a junior high girl, she expects him to ask her for a date. Generally women project too much into small moves that men make. Your husband on the other hand is thinking, "wow, I spent all that time with her, now I don't have to contact her for several days or maybe even a couple of weeks." You can see that there is a vast difference between males and females. That's why it's important to keep you stability with God, and not on some small innuendo from your husband.

6:14 Still: ndakmom, Wow that sounds really good about this weekend.

6:15 bethel: cricket2, I think this was discussed when someone asked about Dr Dobson "Tough Love" book

6:15 sbky: Jim still.. we have recently been having some decent conversations.. about our son when he got into trouble and just now because of some insurance policies that came off his checking account. but that was ok.. he is gonna take care of it.. but it is still something we never talked about

6:18 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:15 sbky: it's a good sign that you're talking about some issues - be patient - if there are financial questions, check with your lawyer.

6:15 Cricket2: sbky - During mlc, they still yo-yo back and forth but when they are healed and work thru the mlc, many talk about how the warmth & good hearted person returns.

6:15 sbky: cricket I can’t wait..

6:16 Still: Me either!

6:16 sbky: still I can’t wait to weigh in again tomorrow

6:16 bethel: ndak, yeah!

6:17 Still: sbky....having a good week?? Woohoo!

6:17 Cricket2: Bethel - I know that Jim teaches us that when they come home, it's appropriate to set more boundaries and tougher, insisting on counseling, etc.

6:18 Still: Dr. Conway @ 6:16. I know you were talking to Koko about changing to meet the other's needs. I have tried so hard to do and be everything that my h has stated bothered him. He just appears to be so "checked out". How do I deal with that?

6:26 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:18 Still: Your husband apparently is quite depressed. And depressed people do not want to talk about what bothers them. Because that might lead to a conversation or confrontation. So he probably is not telling you what really bothers him. I strongly urge you to learn about your husband's needs from other sources, rather than from him directly. For example, if he feels that you wear clothing that looks really old and out of date, he may say to himself "I don't even want to bring it up because she will argue with me, or ask me to explain 'what's wrong with my clothes?'". That takes too much energy from him. He knows that If he says he wants more sex, or whatever, that you will likely argue with him - he doesn't have the energy for any of that - so learn from other sources such as our website, our Facilitators, other books like "His Needs Her Needs, "Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti".

6:18 Cricket2: sbky/Still - Those who's H's are home say there is still a lot of work when they first come home. They come home broken and damaged from mlc so it takes patience and work during the reconnection phase. This can take 1-2 yrs but worth it.

6:19 bethel: cricket, Jim - then I’m confused. We are in the end of d proceedings. How should I handle all the questions he continues to throw at me. Everything from taxes help to why I won't move?

6:20 Still: Cricket @ 6:18. I have wondered how this occurs when they never leave the home. I think my h is comfortable just living in a roommate situation. He has made no attempt to change anything. I don't know how this will change.

6:21 ndakmom: cricket- just having my H around most of the weekend gave me a small taste of what it will be like when he comes home, I know it won't be easy. For example when we came in from spending time outdoors with the kids yesterday, our 2 year old was in the middle of a meltdown from not having a nap and something irritated H, not sure what, but all of a sudden it was like he was having a tantrum just like our 2 year old. LOL

6:22 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: Welcome Drift. I’m Jim Conway, President of Midlife Dimensions. This room is here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email address, phone #, home address, or any names. Now, here's how to join in. 1) Type the name of the person you want to speak to before you type your entry. 2) You're limited to 250 keystrokes per entry. If your entry is long, then click "chat" to post it and start your next entry with the word "continued". 3) Use the words "All" if you have a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you'd like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We'll have them contact you to exchange information.

6:23 ndakmom: Still and Bethel- thanks, it was the best weekend since H has left, we actually felt like a family again, definitely gave me hope and motivation to keep standing

6:23 Still: ndakmom, Saturday evening our twins got in an argument. My H couldn't deal with it and went to bed. Wouldn't even come down when a friend of his showed up. Odd behavior.

6:23 Cricket2: Still - They are still dealing with confusion and depression. Inside, your H knows that you are working really hard and sees your patience. As he works through this, there is still a real appreciation for your stand.

6:24 Swanlake: Still - Well you can't change him or what he is feeling right now, all you can do is work on changing yourself and meet his needs in the ways he allows, sometimes that is something as small as his laundry, as you change he will notice and will again desire to make changes in himself that will reconnect with you.

6:24 bethel: ndak, I’m so happy for you! PTL!

6:24 ndakmom: Jim- should I just step back and allow my H to make the moves on when he chooses to be here and not to be or is it okay to still invite him places with the family and to dinner and such

6:28 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:24 ndakmom: yes it is probably better for awhile to step back and let him make the move. But when he does want to be around, make those times very light, fun, positive, and happy.

6:25 ndakmom: still- I almost wonder if our 2 year old having a tantrum was just too much for H to take, because I really don't know what else would have set his behavior off

6:25 ndakmom: Bethel- thanks

6:26 koko: Jim. I guess that’s the part I need work at. being as patient as I can be. Sometimes seems like we are drifting apart more sometimes seems like we connect more. Should I initiate any physical contact?

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:26 koko: ask yourself the questions, as you look thru your wife's eyes, "what is it that she doesn't like about me?" You must be ruthlessly honest with yourself.

6:26 Cricket2: Bethel - One of our members, Dani, had her H file for D and as the process continued, he realized he was making a mistake. He began connecting with her and never completed the process. When he doubted himself, he connected more.

6:26 Cricket2: Bethel - Dani kept sending cute cards & emails to her H and would bring little gifts all thru this process.

6:27 Cricket2: ndakmom - Others have mentioned that. It is like they are spoiled kids too and have no patience for the real kids in the family.

6:28 Cricket2: ndakmom - They can't handle stress or pressure and blow really easy. It wasn’t you and he knows it, it just set him off.

6:28 Still: Swan/Cricket....I hope that he does appreciate all the little things. I still do all the household/wife duties. I have never stopped doing kind gestures for him. I have often wondered if he sees it, cares, or has no ability to appreciate on any level

6:28 ndakmom: Jim- H has been gone for nearly 4 mo., we have not touched since, not even a simple touch on the arm. Do you think it's okay to make some physical contact or even going as far as when he gives the kids a hug, to try to give him a hug as well?

6:31 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:28 ndakmom: sometimes when your husband is hugging the kids goodbye, it's possible to say let's do a group hug - your husband may tolerate that ,and it may open the door for future contact.

6:28 Swanlake: ndakmom - more likely he began to feel too comfortable and used the tantrum as an excuse. Often as a MLCer peeks out of the tunnel they don't go far from the entrance and the first sign of discomfort they duck back in, and it is usually more

6:29 faithfull: Jim I have not spoken to h in now a few month. My son 26 talks to him once in a while. The last time he spoke to him he told him he was doing great and I am not sure what else. My son said he was acting like a 20 year old and just never responded.

6:29 Cricket2: Faithful - Good to see you tonight. Great time for you to ask Jim some of your questions as far as your H's harassment/behavior

6:29 BlueSky: Jim, what do you think of the man who hasn't wavered once iota for getting a D, since before he blindsided me. Believe me we hardly ever fought or anything.

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:29 BlueSky: Maybe we need to talk again by phone about your issue.

6:29 Swanlake: ndakmom - continued -personal relationships that cause them to run, not so much children being children.

6:30 Cricket2: Drift - Welcome - I think you are new to our group but glad you found us. Dr. Jim Conway is an expert in midlife crisis & so wise in helping us with marital problems. Be sure to start with who you are asking your question of -you can use first name

6:30 Still: Dr. Conway. We have talked about my H and depression before. I am almost at my ideal body weight, had to buy all new clothes. I have always had a higher libido. Now, he jumps if I get too close....so I just do approach him for any affection.

6:35 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:30 Still: your husband is reacting as if he is getting emotional and sexual satisfaction from internet pornography and/or an affair. Solution: keep working at your changes and keep praying for God to intervene in his life. Your husband may not believe that the changes are going to stick.

6:30 BlueSky: Still, I just started reading the book "His needs Her Needs' that Jim is talking about. I sure wish I had all these books to read during the marriage. That is one thing I want to teach my kids is to never be complacent

6:31 ndakmom: Jim- when H does come around is it better to stay around him or to go off and do my own thing, leaving him alone time with the kids or maybe a little of both?

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:31 ndakmom: I would encourage you to play it as it unfolds. How did you react in these situations before all of this blew up? That may be a pattern for you know.

6:32 BlueSky: Swan, that reminds me of a gopher or whatever the other little critter that peeks out is

6:32 ndakmom: still- it's the same here with doing little things for H, since he has left he has had me buy him deodorant, razors, and just recently socks. LOL He also has started to bring his laundry over more frequently and I have folded it the past 2 times.

6:32 Still: ndakmom, I asked my husband about a year ago if I could sit next to him. He said with an irritated face, "If you must." I tried to kiss him once and he literally closed the car window and said, "no thanks." When I hugged him he was cold...ouch!!!

6:33 Cricket2: Still - It's okay to address Dr. Conway as Jim - It leave more room to type and he doesn't mind.

6:34 Swanlake: BlueSky - LOL - it is kind of like that, they peek out begin to feel the warmth of the light, then all those fears and insecurities inside of them that they have not dealt with start to bubble, anxiety takes over and they run back into the dark.

6:34 MarySarah: Still, Nadkmom & others If your H is civil & even kind considerate, or affectionate @ all, count those blessings & don't put up any wall. My H has NEVER even tried to be separate & alone, not even sitting down with a counselor for kids & co-parenting. My H won't even enter our home, can barely say hello when I answer phone & Tries to pull all our kids from me & pretend I NEVER existed. I am almost sure if anything bad happened to me, he'd actually be relieved or elated

6:34 CindyJ: Hello Hello!

6:34 Swanlake: CindyJ - Happy dancing today are you! Congrats

6:34 faithfull: Mine just went into hiding and we never hear from him.

6:34 Cricket2: Still - I’m sure that deep inside... maybe not a conscious level all the time, he does appreciate all you are doing and your patience. In time when he work through this, he really will appreciate it. Others who's H came out of this share they do.

6:35 BlueSky: ndak, anyway, I am enjoying it. It is a bit of an eye opener on how much sex they need

6:35 CindyJ: Swanlake, thank you. I’m just about to burst with happiness. Now....hopefully she'll have twins.

6:35 BlueSky: Jim, ugh that doesn't sound good

6:39 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:35 BlueSky: a phone session doesn't mean that your situation is desperate. It's simply that we can say a lot more over the phone than we can in a short chat room.

6:36 CindyJ: Swan....I'm not asking too much....just twins.

6:36 Still: Cricket @ 6:34. Thank you for your thoughts. I pray every day that my h will not see me as a burden to his life. Unfortunately, I think he has viewed me that way for quite some. Not a financial burden, an emotional burden.

6:36 MarySarah: Cindy Congrats SOOOO happy for you & yours

6:36 Cricket2: Cindy - I’m smiling ear to ear - I am so happy for you --- WOOOO HOOOOO --- As Joey would said, we're doing a happy dance with you. We will still keep praying though - that all goes well, for health & safety

6:36 steadfast: Cricket: for the first time last week, I told God that I didn't want my h back unless he could give me the man I married or double fold. All the while talking and laughing with the lawyers in these meetings, he tries to discredit my medical condition

6:36 sbky: all sorry I got a phone call. I am back.

6:37 CindyJ: MarySarah, Cricket, and all....thank you for your prayers and for being excited with me.

6:37 ndakmom: still- I have only tried to hug H once since he dropped the bomb and it was right after he gave me the speech and he just said no. When he goes to leave he'll say okay, give me hugs, and I have so much wanted to ask do I get one too? LOL

6:37 Cricket2: Still - Do you mean because your past battles with depression? He may but during mlc, he's seeing how difficult that can be. As he sees your changes & steadiness, he's appreciating that even more.

6:37 Swanlake: CindyJ - what is it the Word tells us, ASK - Ask, Seek, Knock - well ask repeatedly, seek the joy of grandparenthood, and knock until you knock the door down.

6:38 CindyJ: Cricket, Thanks for the continued prayer as she isn't totally out of the woods yet and has to take it easy.

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: Cindy - Lisa just shared your great and exciting news with me. That's such a wonderful blessing. We are so happy about what's happening with your life because grandkids are lots of fun! And grandkids like their grandparents a lot better than they like their own parents. :o)

6:38 sbky: cindy j I see from the emails congratulations is in order

6:38 Still: Jim @ 6:35. I know he has signs of an affair. He has told me that he has never been unfaithful...though he thinks about it frequently. He is still very involved with church and I have wanted to believe that keeps him from acting. I just don't know.

6:41 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:38 Still: I’m glad your husband is involved at church, it would be helpful if he could also be involved in a men's accountability group. Are there other men in the church that you know who could invite your husband into that kind of group?

6:38 Cricket2: Steadfast - That's why I pray for God's will in my life, for my H's healing (emotionally, physically and spiritually)

6:38 ndakmom: CindyJ- I never got a chance to respond to your new in ESG, but wanted to pass along my Congrats!!! That is wonderful news!!!

6:38 steadfast: to them and that I don't need those medical expenses, and starts to tell stories about petty things I don't remember. It’s hard to see him stoop so low. Wants me to pay another 10,000 toward s education yet he opted out of child support and s continues

6:39 Still: MarySarah, I am so sorry you have gone through so much. I can't imagine the pain.

6:39 CindyJ: Jim, I heard that too! And I can't wait to have fun with him/her/them.

6:41 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:39 CindyJ: We all will be eager to follow this event with you.

6:39 Cricket2: Cindy - I’m copying and pasting your comments above with names mentioned so Lisa or Swan can fix them. But you are very welcome.

6:40 Still: Cindy, I had twins resulting from IVF. They can tell really early in the pregnancy if they are twins or a singleton.

6:40 CindyJ: sbky, ndakmom, all....thank you....

6:40 ndakmom: MarySarah- (((HUGS)))) I’m so sorry. How long has it been since H left?

6:40 BlueSky: Jim, whew, you scared me there.

6:40 CindyJ: Still that's what she had so I hope we find out soon.

6:40 steadfast: Cricket; to go to summer school to do 8 mos each year in 12 mos. Anyways, God spoke to me from the Christian song about God's mercy and no not letting go. Tried to share that with a friend and she just thinks it's time to move on especially since h

6:41 MarySarah: Still 6:39 thank you for your kindness!

6:41 steadfast: Cricket; wants a divorce now.

6:41 koko: Jim. would a phone conversation with you help my situation

6:43 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:41 koko: Yes, a phone session gives us the opportunity to talk in more depth than the limited space in the chat room. Lisa posted information above. You can also find more info on phone session on the website.

6:41 ndakmom: Jim- before H left we had really grown apart, for instance when H would go outside with kids, most of the time I would do my own thing, this weekend when H was out with the kids, I gave him some time alone with them, then I joined them. He seems to enjoy my presence, I mean he chit chats with me for the most part, when he becomes withdrawn, I usually take it as my cue to go do something on my own and allow him time alone with the kids

6:44 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:41 ndakmom: I think your example of being there or not being there shows a good balance and sensitivity on your part.

6:42 Still: Cricket @ 6:37. Maybe because of my own depression. I don't even take medication anymore. There was a time when I was very complacent, overmedicated, obese, and very dependent. The last two years I have changed immensely.

6:42 Cricket2: Steadfast - STOP talking to friends about that - I always replied to friends that I am moving forward but I was nowhere ready to date. I'd tell them I’m taking time for healing and to work on myself. Otherwise they just feel a need to fix us.

6:42 MarySarah: ndakmom 2 years. Our 25th this year & dated 2 yrs before I miss him & love him, but the cruelty is almost unbearable @ times. I don't know why I ever thought he'd be different than his family they all are image, surface, throw away relationship types

6:43 sbky: still I have changed a lot. I believe I am more the woman my h thought he was marrying

6:43 Cricket2: Still - The thing to remind yourself is that your H was there for you during your painful journey and now is your time to be there for him. It usually takes time for them to trust our changes & that we won't slip back to old ways.

6:45 koko: All. anyone experiencing W in MLC notice a lot of H in Mlc would like to share some thoughts?

6:45 Still: Jim at 6:41. Our church is very small...no men's accountability group. He has done the typical...leadership roles to committee involvement to last pew before he stops attending, but he has continued even the weekly relationship Bible Study.

6:48 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:45 Still: Are there guys in the weekly Bible Study who might be able to deepen a friendship with your husband, and move towards more accountability in the future?

6:45 MarySarah: Ndakmom & all I have to always emphasize to kids as they get married that after God, the spouse comes first, period..... It is very hard to be replaced by your kids, then OW & then for our spouses to be able to alienate kids from us It's control & manipulation of anyone who they can get on their "side"

6:45 steadfast: Cricket: The friend I spoke to has always believed in praying for h to come back and believed in miracles--that's why she caught me off guard. It's like everyone has given up except for one who loves long way from me. I was angry and felt like I never

6:45 Cricket2: Sbky - Problem is that they often say-OH SURE, now you make these changes when I’ve decided to move on, but you wouldn't before. They also think if they come back, things will go back to the way they were. In time they believe us, but it takes time

6:46 sbky: steadfast. I feel like people think I am crazy.. waiting for h to wake up..

6:47 steadfast: Cricket; wanted to see or talk to h again but then I said that's the song God gave me. She wasn't receptive. It was very discouraging to know that even the few who did believe for restoration have given up

6:47 sbky: cricket the changes wasn’t for him so if he doesn’t notice or care. I am ok

6:48 steadfast: sbky: Yea, I know, they just think that we refuse to accept the truth.

6:48 Cricket2: Steadfast - When my H got his divorce & married the OW, my pastor and close Christian friend and others said to me - You are released now (because of D & H's marriage to OW). I said I still felt called to stand and they seemed to accept that.

6:48 bethel: sbky, Surprising others think we should be "over" h in months after being married for so long. I starting to tell folks that I am not moving on yet but I am letting go.

6:49 MarySarah: Cricket & SBKY 6:45 Mine only said that once, but yes, He admitted to complaining & nagging often to relieve stress & saying unkind things only towards end did I get defensive, but I told H I know how not to now ...Oh, now you change he said...

6:49 BlueSky: Jim, do you have any short thoughts on my question earlier at all?

6:52 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:49 BlueSky: I’m not sure what question you mean. (and I never have short thoughts) :o)

6:49 sbky: bethel I use the saying "I am moving forward." that doesn’t mean I am moving on

6:49 Cricket2: Steadfast - It's probably also because of how nasty he'd gotten with you. Friend/family who really care and love us have trouble with seeing us hurt. When we cry on their shoulders about the cruel things our H's do, they get angry for us.

6:49 koko: Jim W started attending church a while ago.1st by herself then with kids. Says something she wants to do. Says I only want to because she is doing it. How do I let her know I want and need to go, I need God in my life, and taking my kids w/out me hurts

6:53 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:49 koko: I’m glad she is going to church, let's share some more when we talk.

6:49 Still: Jim at 6:48. One of the men is my h oldest friend. He is about 25 years his senior, but has always been a strong mentor for him. He knows of our situation and has tried to speak with my H. He says that he has walls up and won't even discuss it.

6:54 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:49 Still: sometimes a larger group retreat with several churches can help men who are a little bit afraid to open up.

6:50 Cricket2: MarySarah - Yes that's been said by many. I can understand that they feel we only made changes because they left & that it would take time to trust changes are real.

6:50 steadfast: Cricket; It is good that they accepted your stand. I think the pastor is ok with my stand as I was crying at the altar one Sunday and he knows h wants D. He prayed that "we are not without hope" which to me said keep looking to the Lord and don't

6:50 MarySarah: Jim after almost 2 years & Nobody has approached my H in any gentle correction, not anyone in church, even pastor. Scripture says go to them alone, then 2 or 3, then Elders, then entire church, then treat like tax collector Shouldn't our pastor @ least try to approach my H as the scriptures say? My H has said it.... You know how I get when I don't get what I want & I ALWAYS get what I want. Recently he took our son & said he was living with him I have full custody, I picked up son & H sent police. Wasn't worried all times he was out town or about our dtr, just son because he's the next target to be alienated from me after H was successful in that with oldest dtr. The cop & lawyer reprimanded H & son still lives here

6:56 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:50 MarySarah,: Sometimes I tell people different things because their situations are different. If your husband already thinks you are too pushy, then talking to men in the church will appear to be controlling.

6:51 bethel: sbky, I like it!

6:51 Cricket2: Bethel/All - Most everyone seem to understand that we need to take time for our healing. I told one person that if my H died, they would understand that I'd need time to grieve/heal, etc. That D is even harder. Most get that.

6:51 sbky: bethel it is the truth. I have forced myself to move forward. but moving on, closing that door. I am just not there

6:51 BlueSky: all, it is a holiday time again. I am not sure what to do about church on Sunday with h. We used to go as a family, he joined us at Christmas, but I don't think he has gone since. I am not wild about him joining us this weekend because of his choices

6:52 steadfast: Cricket: lose hope. So I guess, it's the pastor and 1 dear previous pastor's wife out West who are still not losing the faith. It's sad though when others prayed for restoration and now they have dropped off like flies

6:52 Cricket2: Steadfast - My pastor understood that I needed to follow what I felt led by the Lord to do.

6:52 Swanlake: sbky - moving forward, good it is a good place to be, isn't it

6:52 sbky: swanlake. yes.. that is the only thing we can do in this situation..

6:53 Cricket2: Steadfast - Again with the things you've shared about how cruel and hurtful your H has been &what's happened in the court process - this makes it harder for them to forgive

6:53 ndakmom: blue- I’m going to my Dad's this weekend with my kids, I told H about it and said he was welcomed to join us or to even drive down on Sunday to join us for Easter dinner, he said he would see. I figure the offer is out there, and won't pressure any decision, if he chooses to join us, that would be wonderful, if not, then I’m okay with that too. I know every situation is different, but that's how I dealt with it.

6:53 koko: Jim, thank you I will set up the appointment

6:54 sbky: all this weekend is my h's birthday...

6:54 Cricket2: Cindy - Do you know how far along your d is - are we talking weeks?

6:54 BlueSky: Jim, okay, I asked about my h never wavering about D since he told me he was unhappy. You just thought we ought to talk. I was wondering if you had a small insight

6:58 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: 6:54 BlueSky: sometimes when a man makes statements about getting a divorce, he is trying to pressure his wife for changes without actually asking her to change. Usually by the time a man is thinking about divorce, he feels that the situation is pretty hopeless.

6:54 steadfast: Cricket: Yes, friends get angry when they see how h treats me . I don't tell the world only a few know details but I think I will stop sharing anything with them.

6:54 Cricket2: sbky - Can you send a cute bday card from you and your D?

6:54 MarySarah: koko 6:49 Can you talk to your wife about wanting to be the spiritual leader for them that God wants & calls for you to be?

6:55 sbky: cricket she bought one from her and her brother..

6:55 Cricket2: Steadfast - I just mean that those who changed in supporting your stand probably did that because of how he's treated you &things you shared. It's because they love you

6:55 CindyJ: Sorry everyone but I am getting phone calls. You would think that this is a miracle. HEY it is!!!!!!! : ) Good night all and have a blessed week!! And I am thanking my God all over the place!!

6:56 Cricket2: sbky - Would she mind if you signed it or can you get one for your son to send & you sign too?

6:56 MarySarah: Still 6:49 Keep praying for opportunities for soft heart, open eyes & ears & that friend to NOT give up or judge H while ministering this is good. Nobody talks to my H

6:56 Still: MarySarah....I'm sure that God talks to your H.....but will he listen....

6:56 sbky: cricket she wouldn’t care if I signed it. should I

6:57 Cricket2: Sbky - YES I'd sign it too, just so that all three of your signatures are there

6:57 steadfast: Cricket; Yes , I know they love me and care. as far as h, it is hard to see him across the table, 2 feet from me and hear the things he is saying. It is even more a challenge to my faith because. everything screams at me where is my

6:57 MarySarah: Cricket 6:50 I understand that too, but it's still an excuse. ALL relationships have some conflict. It's avoidance that is the main prob. Plus I was the only one to guess that might be one problem & H went with it. Never complained anything specific

6:57 Swanlake: MarySarah - God talks to your husband and that is the important one, all the others might be able to speak to him, but he will most likely rebuke them and turn from church completely to avoid them interfering in his life. Leave it in God's hands, He is very capable and can be ignored for a season, but never goes away.

6:57 sbky: cricket I think it says how great of a dad he is. but I guess I could be saying that too

6:58 Cricket2: ALL - I’m excited about an opportunity to go to Italy for 10 days in October with a group of friends from my Chamber. Hopefully retreat won't fall at that time though.

6:58 sbky: cricket I am so ready for retreat..

6:58 steadfast: Cricket; h . This cool guy sits there like he has it altogether. It is hard to believe anything can change with h but all things are possible with God.

6:58 Still: Cricket at 6:58 that sounds awesome.

6:58 Cricket2: sbky - YES you could sign it too... As long as it's not mushy

6:59 sbky: cricket I will read it and see..

6:59 Cricket2: sbky/Still - Yes my Dad's side of family are Swiss Italian so it would feel like connecting with my family's history.

7:00 MarySarah: Jim My H thinks anyone who doesn't give him his way all the time should be discarded. The level of control he exerts still on the kids & the bullying he does with me is unbelievable. The only thing I could do is die to not be a problem for him

7:00 Cricket2: All - Have a good night and remember chat Wednesday night.

7:00 BlueSky: Jim that is it exactly. I was real sick with depression when his started. But he never said a world. So I have made it without him and changed as soon as he told me what some issues were. But he won't change the hopelessness.

7:01 sbky: cricket I went to Italy between my freshman and sophomore year

7:01 Cricket2: sbky - I’ve never been so it would be exciting.

7:01 Still: Good night, all.

7:01 MarySarah: Still 6:56 I think my H has run from God most of his life. He would of course deny it. He says he knows it's wrong according to Bible, but it's happening & that my soul is safe, what am I worried for, yet maybe God gave him ow.....PLEAZZZZZZEEEEE

7:01 Cricket2: Good night all.

7:01 Cricket2: Woops - GOOD night all.

7:01 BlueSky: Cricket, how exciting for you.

7:02 steadfast: All: goodnight and sweet dreams

7:02 MarySarah: Swan 6:57 I know you are right, God dealt with Saul, Nebuchadnezzar & MANY others!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7:02 sbky: I am gonna head to bed. night all

7:02 Swanlake: Goodnight all, see you on Wednesday

7:03 MarySarah: Jim what does it mean if our H's never seem to "cycle" they have covert depression if any & replay seems to go on forever?

7:03 Dr. Jim Conway [Midlife Dimensions]: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim.

7:04 ndakmom: good night everyone!

7:04 MAS: Hi MarySarah. I am really heartbroken about all you are going through. My prayers are with you.

7:05 BlueSky: Did Jim leave?

7:05 MarySarah: Well goodnight all & God bless you all with pleasant dreams & sweet, peaceful sleep!

7:05 MarySarah: MAS Thanks Miss you, praying you are well

7:06 MAS: Thank you, Mary Sarah. God bless you as well. Good night all.

7:06 LisaK [Programmer]: 7:00 BlueSky: It's in God's timing, not ours.

7:07 MarySarah: Lisa I guess I wondered if they stay in earlier stages long time, if they are more likely to get "stuck" or can go through other stages faster?

7:07 MarySarah: Drift, Sorry I didn't get to chat or know you yet. Blessings & welcome

7:08 LisaK [Programmer]: "We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4 God is at work in and around you. You may not see His hand, hear His voice or even understand His process, but you can rest assured that you can trust His heart. Remember, every problem points to a promise.

7:09 LisaK [Programmer]: 7:07 MarySarah: Each man's is different, there's no set time in each. Depends on how much God has to teach him, and you, during that time.

7:10 MarySarah: Lisa Yes & I think longer they've been running, more wounds they have & earlier their damage, the further they have to come But Nothing is Impossible with God I know this!

7:10 LisaK [Programmer]: Dear Lord, please protect the people who attended tonight's chat, and all who read it in the archives, from the works of Satan, who is always trying to bring us down. Please fill them with Your hope and assurance that Your will be done in their lives, and help them to let go and let You be in control. In Jesus' Name. Amen.