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Oct. 19, 2009 / With Jim Conway

6:15 writingmom: Jim, thank you for the welcome. I have read your book and "When a Mate Wants Out". I am finding that as I get stronger, I feel less inclined to have sympathy for H. Reconciliation seems totally impossible!!

6:18 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: writingmom: Remember to take this process 1 day at a time and let God direct your emotions. This is a time when both of you will be changing - so don't make any decisions about reconciliation at this time.

6:24 faithfull: Dr Jim. I have stopped nagging him and have given him space like he wants it. He says he appreciates it and thanks me for being so understanding. Could it be that he is so emotionally attach to ow that he does not care. He told me to leave him alone. to let him live his life. He knows he is taking a risk with this girl but is his own fault.

6:28 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: I’m glad that you are taking off the pressure because most men interpret nagging as being mothered. Husband's want a fun wife for a companion at midlife - not a mom. Frequently the OW is a playful time at Disneyland without feeling obligations and duties.

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6:00 LisaK [Administrator]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he’ll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via Paypal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:01 LisaK [Administrator]: Lord, thank You for caring about every single detail of our lives and for taking care of them all. Help us to trust You more and turn to You more quickly for help in every situation. In Jesus' Name, Amen

6:08 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Hello Everyone. Today is my anniversary. Jan and I have been married 3 years and 8 months today. It is amazing how incredibly good God has been to both of us. Jan is very easy to live with and she says I am easy to live with. I've discovered the secret - I just do whatever Jan tells me to do - you know I’m joking - but we do have an extremely peaceful relationship. I wish that all of you who are in the Chat Room and are reading anything on the website could have as a wonderful of marriage as I’m enjoying. So, let's talk about the stuff that's happening in your lives and see if I can help you in some way.

6:02 Swanlake: Hello everyone, how are you tonight?

6:09 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Writingmom, WELCOME! I’m Jim Conway, President of Midlife Dimensions. This room is here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email or home address, phone #, or any names. Here’s how to join in: 1) Type the name of the person you want to speak to followed by your entry. 2) You’re limited to 250 keystrokes per entry. If your entry is long, then click “chat” to post it and start your next entry with the word “continued”. 3) Type “To All” if you have a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you’d like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We’ll have them contact you to exchange information.

6:03 writingmom: I am new and confused by the whole midlife saga. My husband is having an affair and filed for divorce. He hasn't looked back! He seems determined to follow through! I am trying to focus on myself and God, but it is very difficult.

6:12 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: writingmom: I’m so very sorry for the pain that you are going through. In these chat rooms you will find lots of people who have experienced much of the same stress that you are going through. They can be a great help to you. This is the time to learn all you can about midlife crisis and to learn all you can about your husband's needs - and why he wants to be away from you. Have you had a chance to read any of our books, "Men in Midlife Crisis" or "When a Mate Wants Out"?

6:04 sbky: hello everyone

6:05 faithfull: Dr Jim, last time we chatted you made a comment that h did not want help because he know he would have to come home. I am confused. Does it mean that h knows what he is doing is wrong.

6:15 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: I’m not sure exactly what I said to you - but sometimes when a man has made up his mind to leave, it has been so painful that he is afraid that some small changes might not really be enough to make it worth coming back again. Yes, most mates who have left the marriage know inside of themselves that this is wrong, but often they feel it is too painful and unsatisfying to return to the marriage.

6:06 sbky: faithful I asked my h why he could talk to everyone but me . he said because I knew him so well. I knew he needed help. he didn’t want to admit that

6:08 faithfull: sbky he told my s9 in therapy that he has made a lot bad choices and some that he wish he would have not made. I am just so confuse about all this. Is it the addiction of the ow that keeps me going the wrong way.

6:09 Tamashii: Jim: Didn't you have a bunch of anniversaries at retreat? I’m confused...

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Tamashii: Yes, I have an anniversary every day - but this one happens to be an even-month anniversary. Our true yearly anniversary is February 19th, 2010, when we will be married 4 years - it doesn't seem possible.

6:10 Swanlake: Tamashii - every day is Jim's anniversary, that's what keeps their relationship a celebration of their love for one another.

6:11 Tamashii: Swan: Ah! I get it now!

6:11 Tamashii: Duh...

6:12 sbky: all I just have to keep reminding myself. he will get better. it is the someday that I have problems with

6:12 Swanlake: Tamashii - have you been since retreat? How is the forgiveness going?

6:12 Tamashii: DO...

6:14 Tamashii: Swan: I felt a great relief when I left, and there has been some carry over. I've done better with forgiveness, because of the phrase God gave me: You're better, meaning you're better than you used to be.

6:15 writingmom: Jim, thank you for the welcome. I have read your book and "When a Mate Wants Out". I am finding that as I get stronger, I feel less inclined to have sympathy for H. Reconciliation seems totally impossible!!

6:18 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: writingmom: Remember to take this process 1 day at a time and let God direct your emotions. This is a time when both of you will be changing - so don't make any decisions about reconciliation at this time.

6:15 Tamashii: Swan: The enemy tries to make me think that there's been no growth in me, but I feel some.

6:16 faithfull: Dr. Jim so does that mean h will not come back.

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: What determines if a husband comes back is related to many factors. It's best to spend your energy working on the areas which will help him want to return. I've often referred women to areas that men complain about, how are you doing in these areas? Midlife men complain that their wives:.1) are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children): 2) are overweight, out of shape, and don’t care about physical appearance. (Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man’s life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn’t have to beg): and 3) have not had a new thought since they got married. (They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man.)

6:16 Swanlake: Tamashii - just remember that you are a child of the living God and ALL is forgiven when we repent, which you have done. Also when you are feeling down, look up and know your mother is smiling down, full of pride of her baby boy.

6:17 writingmom: Jim/Faithfull: My H claims that this has been painful for him. I find that VERY hard to believe! He is having an affair while I get to take care of the kids, pray and cry!!

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:17 writingmom: You may feel that your husband is having all the fun, but it is also very painful to live with guilt and shame, and the risk of never seeing his children again. Talk to me about how you’re doing in these 3 areas? Midlife men complain that their wives: 1) are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children): 2) are overweight, out of shape, and don’t care about physical appearance. (Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man’s life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn’t have to beg): and 3) have not had a new thought since they got married. (They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man.)

6:17 Tamashii: Jim: I think I understand now. Happy Anniversary!

6:18 faithfull: Writingmom that is how I feel. H goes to go comes home and sits in front of his computer while I take care of kids and try to make ends meet.

6:19 sbky: faithful and writing my h got on to my d because she didn’t go back to school today. I got mad.. I feel that if he wants the right to say anything. he needs to come home and help take care of that stuff

6:20 writingmom: Faithfull: Is your H having an affair? Sorry, I don't remember your story but it seems like he is. Are you separated? I feared divorce like the plague. Then he filed. Now I’m not sure if I want him back, or just the idea of the marriage.

6:20 BlueSky: 6:15, that wasn't very encouraging I am afraid

6:20 Pelagius: 6:20 writingmom, I wanted my h back badly, and finally I realized that part of the reason why was because I thought it would "undo" the rejection I felt.

6:20 writingmom: SBKY: I am glad that I’m not the only one that gets mad! Sometimes it's too much pressure to be "ON" for them, for God, the kids...I'm human and this has torn me to shreds while he doesn't even bat an eye!!!

6:21 faithfull: an ea with a girl 27 year younger than him over the internet. He does not have the money to file for d and has told me he does not know what he wants.

6:21 MAS: Hello everyone.

6:21 Pelagius: I have days when I don't want him back, too. He is alternately in no hurry to get the divorce, but then he gets fired up about it (pressure from OW, I’m sure).

6:22 Pelagius: Today he texted me, three weeks after receiving my lawyer's answer, wanting to know how much alimony I wanted. I told him to contact my lawyer. He is now actively looking for jobs, I guess so he can pay it.

6:22 writingmom: Pelagius: Is the OW someone nearby? I can't help but wonder how long they'll be in the fog of the affair. On this site it seems like so many of the H's divorced and followed through with the OW! That freaks me out!!

6:22 Pelagius: But the funny thing is, when I got home from work, I just wept, because he is so lost and at sea and in the control of his OW. Every months he gives her more and more money, to the point he has none left for himself.

6:23 Pelagius: writingmom @ 6:22, they live in a city up the road about 20 miles. I see cars all the time from there, and it is just a reminder that 20 miles up the road my h lives with a woman on welfare and with a child out of wedlock.

6:24 faithfull: Dr Jim. I have stopped nagging him and have given him space like he wants it. He says he appreciates it and thanks me for being so understanding. Could it be that he is so emotionally attach to ow that he does not care. He told me to leave him alone. to let him live his life. He knows he is taking a risk with this girl but is his own fault.

6:28 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: I’m glad that you are taking off the pressure because most men interpret nagging as being mothered. Husband's want a fun wife for a companion at midlife - not a mom. Frequently the OW is a playful time at Disneyland without feeling obligations and duties.

6:24 Pelagius: I don't see them, but I see his checking account balance online if I want to. He overdrew his account this month; that has never happened...and I thought he took out extra money to pay a lawyer, but he evidently didn't.

6:24 writingmom: Jim: My H does not complain about any of these. He just says that we were never happy, never will be. End of story! Not true. I am an active community volunteer and not very overweight at all. He is more than I! What is behind the H wanting to be so friendly and offering to take care of me financially?

6:31 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: writingmom: Generally husbands do not tell their wives what really bothers them, so you have to get your information from other sources. Many men feel that if they bring up a sensitive issue such as nagging or weight, they will only stir up a war. Frequently husbands will be friendly and promise to care for you financially also as a way to reduce pressure.

6:25 Pelagius: faithfull @ 6:24, my h had regular contact with me and I thought we were making progress, but he said he was only coming around to push me to respond to his divorce filing.

6:25 Pelagius: Just when I think I can get away from the pain and start moving on, something happens to remind me of what a dangerous situation he is in. It is like he has lost his mind. He is SO being used. It breaks my heart.

6:26 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: TO ALL: On the trip that I made to Virginian and the Chat Room Retreat in South Bend, IN, I picked up a fairly bad head cold. I thought I was getting better, so I attended meetings in Chicago this last weekend. Unfortunately I have not fully recovered and tomorrow morning I am supposed to go in for my 2nd eye surgery - this time for my left eye. So I have been trying to get extra sleep every day and I have to get to bed early tonight because I need to be at the hospital at 7 am. So please ask all of your urgent questions right away. I'll have to log off in about 5 minutes from now. (6:30 pm PST). Sorry.

6:26 faithfull: Jim H told me he stop loving me all of a sudden then he tells me our love faded away.

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: don't focus on how he lost his love - or if his statements are accurate - focus on the reality that he is not wanting to stay in the marriage and the 2nd reality that you need to do all you can, on your part, to help him want to be in the marriage.

6:26 Pelagius: The OW has done all the things Jim describes: she has gained 30 pounds (h says she found the 30 pounds I lost); she is controlling and talks to him like he is a child (I heard her do it on the phone). There is nothing I can do.

6:27 Swanlake: Jim - please get plenty of rest and take care.

6:27 faithfull: Writingmom h told me he always love me and has never stop loving me till the morning when he walked away.

6:27 MAS: Hope you feel better Jim.

6:28 writingmom: Pelagius: I am sorry that your H has done this. It sounds like she is a reflection of how he feels inside. My H's OW is thinner and prettier, but she is an EMPLOYEE, has 3 kids and lives 5 hours away?! What is that about?

6:28 Pelagius: Jim, how do I pray for him? He is so lost. I feel I abandoned him. He is soooo lost...he will never get away from this crazy woman if he successfully divorces me and marries her.

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Pelagius: Remember that the crazy woman is not your responsibility. Keep praying for your husband and asking God to continue to change you and him, as well as release him from any emotional grip this woman may have on him.

6:28 Plumcrazy: Jim -sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well. Get better soon. Hope your 2nd surgery goes as well as the 1st

6:29 Plumcrazy: ALL-Sorry Caps was stuck

6:29 faithfull: Amen to that Jim @6:28 and I think deep inside he knows it by some comments he makes.

6:29 writingmom: Wouldn't it be nice if we could be the Disneyland wife? She doesn't have to deal with his character flaws! They are in fantasy land! For how long? It makes me SO mad that he portrays me as depressed, mean, naggy...he is hard to live with!!!

6:30 Swanlake: Jim - curious, why is my husband staying in a relationship with ow, they have separate bedrooms, fight constantly, he says he is angry every second of every day, etc. meanwhile, he seems to be remembering better time, says found things of me, defends me when ow talks badly about me, yet he stays where he is unhappy and continues to obey ow's command that he have no contact with m?

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Swanlake: It sounds to me that your husband is living out the words of the song "Torn between 2 lovers, acting like a fool". Keep working on the issues that will attract him to you and as well as eliminating any negative that may distance him from you. You are making headway!

6:30 Pelagius: Jim, I’m sorry you got sick. The weather has been crazy.

6:30 Plumcrazy: Jim-Jan told me to email her but I don’t have her email address

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: email her thru Lisa at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. , or you can use the contact Jan button via the website under "contact us".

6:30 Pelagius: I had a nice quiet and peaceful relationship with my h like you and Jan have. I miss it so much. I know there is NO peace and quiet in his life right now. Why does God allow this kind of pain and suffering?

6:43 LisaK [Administrator]: Pelagius: God allows you to go through this for you to mature and grow closer to Him. He is on your side and will protect you every step of the way.

6:32 Pelagius: Swan, I feel like my h is in the same position - like Stockholm Syndrome, or something - completely dependent on HER, he thinks, but she is not kind; I am. He knows I would forgive him.

6:32 BlueSky: Jim, I saw my h last night for the first time since he told me wants a divorce and he could barely look me in the eye or say hello. What gives?

6:37 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: BlueSky: Your husband feels great shame and guilt and he can't look you in the eye. Continue working on things which will help him to feel comfortable with you - remember that God wants to change both of you.

6:32 Pelagius: That I HAVE forgiven him...

6:34 Swanlake: Pelagius - my husband has told our children that he knows how much I love him and he cannot understand how I am able to completely forgive him with all he has done to me. He told my daughter once when she asked, that he owes her because of all she

6:34 writingmom: Pelagius: This is torture, isn't it? I don't understand any of this. I try to appear strong, but then I get angry or indifferent. If I am weepy, then he sees me as a nag and smothering! It's a lot of pressure!!

6:35 Swanlake: Pelagius - continued - gave up to be with him. He seems to forget that she signed herself up for e-harmony and was looking for someone to leave her marriage for. He blames himself for all, our marriage and hers.

6:37 Pelagius: Jim @ 6:34 I know; I just feel she is torturing my sweetheart. Swan @ 6:34, your h owes your daughter, or the OW? writingmom @ 6:34, Oh my gosh, yes, torture is it.

6:37 faithfull: But Jim what would a 20 year old want with a 47 year old it just hard to comprehend.

6:44 LisaK [Administrator]: faithfull: She is using your husband, just as he is using her. Eventually - the "honeymoon" period will end, and they will each realize that they were just being used. Right now they are both selfish and seeking to get their own needs met.

6:37 Swanlake: Pelagius - he thinks he owes the ow

6:37 writingmom: Swanlake: Are you separated? Divorced?

6:37 Swanlake: writingmom - divorced

6:38 Pelagius: I think I have given up on my h coming home; I resolved that this weekend, and then this morning he texts! It is like he can tell when I’m giving up and he reaches out.

6:38 Plumcrazy: Jim Thanks. Didn't know about that button

6:38 writingmom: Swanlake: Is he remarried? What kind of progress do you see? Just curious. How long has this gone on?

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Sorry to head off early, but I really need to get to bed to prepare for my early surgery. Before anyone logs out, I want to thank you all for coming. Please come again and invite your friends! Remember; the Sun./Wed./Fri. sessions are open to share and encourage each other, with the assistance of our trained facilitators.. The Mon. session is primarily a Q and A time with me in the room. Chat room hours are: Sunday, Wednesday and Friday: 6-7 pm Pacific Time. Monday (live chat with me): 6-7 pm Pacific Time. And don’t forget Saturdays at 1:00 pm PST.

6:39 Pelagius: Swan @ 6:37, I suspect my h feels that way about his OW too, although I can't think why.

6:39 Plumcrazy: Jim- the other day I was all dressed up even wearing makeup. H glanced at me then went out of his way not to look at me was very obvious

6:46 LisaK [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: Be assured he took note. He probably even liked how you looked, but is worried about complimenting you, as if to give you false hope that he's interested. But - they notice our changes and all these little changes will add up eventually. Keep working on everything that you can to bring his interest back to you.

6:39 Jo2: faithfull - maybe: money, prestige (w/ an older man), attention?

6:40 faithfull: Pelagius that is where I am ready to give up. I have work so hard and try to be understanding and not give him any pressure and how about my kids. I just am so frustrated.

6:40 Swanlake: writingmom - he married the other woman shortly after the divorce was final. I have no contact with him, per the ow's demands, but my children (adults) tell me from time to time things that are going on, usually when they are upset. Almost 4 years.

6:40 Plumcrazy: Jim, take care and God Bless

6:41 faithfull: Jo2 he has no money maybe attention but has a surprise is she comes to states because he can not afford to support himself let alone someone else.

6:41 LisaK [Administrator]: ALL: Jim is gone, but I’m here to help and work through the questions. I've asked Swanlake to join me in facilitating and assist with your questions as well. Jo2 is also in the room, and a wonderful facilitator if you have questions for her as well.

6:41 writingmom: Swanlake: Thank you. I'm sorry!

6:42 writingmom: ADMIN: How do I know how friendly to be? I feel like I need boundaries for my own sanity, but sometimes he wants to be pals! That just seems so weird to me! I don't want to condone what he's doing or make this easy on him!!!

6:52 LisaK [Administrator]: writingmom: Jim often tells people this: Working with a MLC man requires toughness and tenderness. At the beginning you must be soft, conciliatory, flexible, and focus mostly on your own personal changes. Once he starts saying he wants to come back, that’s the time to be tough and ask that you get counseling together to make sure the problem(s) don't reoccur. Unfortunately the natural reaction, since the wife is hurting, is to be tough and angry in the beginning, which more often than not, guarantees the husband will run. Then the opposite tends to happen as the relationship comes back together. Most wives have trouble being tough since they're so happy that he is wanting to come back, but now is the time to be tough and get the counseling needed to make the marriage work. In short – be flexible, soft, growing and changing at the beginning - firm and tough at the end.

6:44 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: writingmom - thank you, however, it is all in God's hands and I trust Him completely. My husband and the ow are both hurting and confused, they have to walk the path of self-destruction they are on for now, but I know they will one day repent, turn from their sins and walk in obedience to God, so I pray for them daily and rejoice with each movement of God I see. I admit there are things I do not understand, like why they stay together when they are so unhappy, knowing the man my husband was, it just doesn't make sense, but then again there is nothing about MLC that makes sense.

6:45 sbky: Lisa and all. I just wish I found out about mlc before my h left.

6:50 LisaK [Administrator]: sbky: Yes - I would say that I was very blessed to have worked for Jim and Sally Conway as a newlywed. So - when my husband left me, I knew exactly what I needed to do and kicked into gear. Of course - I was also kicking myself because I felt I "knew better", meaning that I knew I should have kept myself up, not get caught up with living our lives for the kids, etc. BUT, we fell into the same rut that most people do. I gave up working to stay home to raise the kids, he wanted that in the beginning, but after 14 years, he felt I wasn't contributing to the family financially. I also believed that since we are Christians, and my husband knows better than to leave me for an affair and divorce me, that he would never do it. Well - Satan is powerful, and the spiritual warfare that goes on to destroy marriages is something we cannot battle without God.

6:45 faithfull: Lisa my s5 and s9 are just starting to show the affect of all this. They are very angry at their father. S9 told h with therapy in the room he was very angry with him for leaving him. H told him he was sorry and he has made some very bad mistakes. it has been going on for 8 months you thick by know it would wear down. My son says he does not like going over there because all he does is talk on the computer with her.

6:56 LisaK [Administrator]: faithfull: Yes - kids do have a hard time with this, but it is a process, and they have to get through it just like you. There is a chapter in Jim's book, "Men in Midlife Crisis" for the children, to help them understand what dad's going through and how they can help. Sounds like you have a counselor for the kids??? That's always a good thing to have. Can your son ask his dad to do more things with him when he's visiting, and suggest things that are not home near the computer, maybe go bowling, to a park, to a movie, just something to get out and away from the computer to allow them to focus on their relationship?

6:45 Plumcrazy: Lisa-Well after my H avoiding looking at me when I was wearing makeup and dressed up that nite he initiated intimacy after2 1nd a half months. I was so surprised. I have just found that husband is relaxing since I came back from retreat . see glimpses of his past self

6:58 LisaK [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: WOWZY WOW WOW! You go girl! That's so wonderful that he did take note, and then initiate a special time together. Maybe he's more relaxed now because maybe you're more relaxed after being at the retreat. Maybe he sees that you're really trying and really actually changing. Keep up the good work, stay close to the Lord, and allow Him to mold you.

6:46 writingmom: Swanlake: I don't understand why some men come out of the fog sooner. Is there any rhyme or reason to the length of the affair? Their level of guilt? My H would have never done this either, even though we struggled at times. It makes me sick.

6:46 Jo2: faithfull - Is the girl from small place in U.K.? I have feeling this will be fleeting - your h is struggling with self-esteem issues. No girl this young will give the kind of understanding and compassion that he is going to need eventually..

6:48 faithfull: Jo2 yes he is struggling with self-esteem he tells me she makes him feel good. Yes she is from the UK.

6:48 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: writingmom - no! no reason or rhyme, a lot depends on what demons within them they have to deal with, how far they have buried them and how quickly they realize it and start working facing them.

6:48 writingmom: ALL: I’m sorry for asking so many questions, but are we really supposed to have them in mind when we are working on ourselves? I try not to look like a slob, but do I really want to get my hopes up that he may actually notice me? I doubt he would! one last question...how do we know when MLC began? When they decided to leave? File? Affair? I think my husband acted weird awhile ago...longer than I thought.


7:04 LisaK [Administrator]: writingmom: Well - it doesn't necessarily matter now when the midlife crisis started. What matters is that you use this time to grow closer to God and as a person. You will not regret it. I will send you my bio, and another email that might help you. Also - read the poem on the website, "Tearing of the Flesh". (Under the "Check it out" menu at the top).

6:48 faithfull: Plumcrazy PTL. How long has been in MLC

6:49 sbky: well I am heading to bed. night

6:49 Plumcrazy: Swan I have been asking H questions and he has actually been listening more and actually ANSWERING me when I ask him things PTL!

6:49 BlueSky: all, why do you suppose that some people have trouble like this, but are good people, go to church, etc, and then those that don't even recognize God have all the luck in the world?

6:50 Jo2: plumcrazy - Does therapist encourage you to model loving dad for all he means to your family, rather that blaming and having anger? Your example is crucial.

6:50 Plumcrazy: Faithful-Since March 2008

6:51 Plumcrazy: SBKY- Take care I miss you!

6:51 sbky: miss you too plum

6:52 faithfull: LisaK my h also is a Christian and that is what makes me so upset but I read about Pastors and Deacons doing the same thing. how should the kids address it. It is a very sensitive subject. I was going to talk with h and just share. What do you suggest.


7:07 LisaK [Administrator]: faithfull: Yes - it happens to everyone unfortunately. I think the kids should just talk to their dad and tell him that they love him and miss him, and when they visit him - that they want his attention.

6:52 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: writingmom - not really, we need to work on ourselves for us and in obedience to God. If there are things we are aware of that bothered them and do not violate our moral convictions, then we can make the changes. Men and woman really are different in character and it helps to know these things. There are good reference materials available to help us understand these, like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Men are like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti, etc. Once we understand how men compartmentalize, and other traits it becomes easier to accept and not take things personal or as rejection.

6:52 Plumcrazy: JO-Not seeing therapist Just listened to Jim at retreat. Yesterday was H's B-day. I bought a keychain for the kids to give their Dad. they picked it out ON one side it said DAD The other said "So thankful for you!"

6:53 faithfull: Writingmom I think my h also was in MLC for at least a few month if not years due to his change in personality toward me and the kids. He was a total different person. Even know he gets mad over everything. He was always a happy person.

6:54 Jo2: writingmom - It is important to not get caught up in the world's way of dealing with a prodigal. Do only as you feel led by God's word - love (1Cor 13), kindness, patience forgiving daily.

6:54 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: plumcrazy - do you find yourself attentively listening more too, that could be one of the reasons he is hearing you and responding. It is important for me to believe they are being listened to, they don't really multi-task well, so usually do not believe they are being heard when we don't put everything aside and give them undivided attention.

6:55 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Hey grace - how are you tonight!!

6:55 faithfull: Writingmom is important you spend time in the word and prayer is the only way I have come this far otherwise the flesh would of taken over and it would not be good for my kids. I need to think about his soul.

6:56 writingmom: All: Thank you for the warm welcome and for the support. What a blessing to find other women that share the same struggle. I am afraid that I've been too mean and have made him run even faster.

7:08 LisaK [Administrator]: writingmom: Don't stress about the past, what's done is done. Live your life forward. Pray every day and let the process happen. It's a tough journey, but one you won't regret if you come out of it matured in Christ and grown as a woman.

6:56 writingmom: Faithfull: I agree. I am more centered when I spend time with God. When I start focusing on H, I get off track. Would love to chat with you more sometime.

6:56 faithfull: writingmom I am so thankful for this group because it has help me keep me focus on God and not h. Is not easy but gets better.

6:57 Plumcrazy: Swan-H hasn’t really talked to much about things in our marriage especially feelings. I find that since MLC started he has talked to me more than he ever has.

6:57 Jo2: for New ladies: Have you read "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" (ch 15 from Ed Wheat's book: LOVE LIFE FOR EVERY MARRIAGE COUPLE)

6:57 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: writingmom - hey we all pretty much started there too, when we are hurt we strike out, this group has helps so many of us to grow away from that place and we gain so much by giving support to each other, glad you found us and we can support you too.

6:57 BlueSky: Jo, I finally ordered that book this past weekend. Looking forward to it.

6:58 grace2: Hi there Swan/all! Most of you don't know me but my prodigal did come home and has been back 3 yrs now. PTL. It does happen

7:07 LisaK [Administrator]: grace2: Do we have your praise or testimony on the website? If not - can you send it to me to post on the site? We can post it under another name if needed, or just use "Grace2".

6:58 writingmom: Jo2: Yes, I have read that book. I clung to it at first. Now I am discouraged and feel like there is no use! When I feel strong, I am ready to move on and leave him behind. It is all so confusing.

6:59 Jo2: NEW - CH 10 (AGAPE LOVE) is worth the price of the whole Love Life book.

6:59 faithfull: grace PTL is nice to hear praise reports.

6:59 Plumcrazy: Swan, this comes in cycles though and I find we talk a lot and seem to get closer then something happens and he gets upset again. Seems to be evry2-3months. But since I have started reading different books about MLC etc. I find myself letting the anger go

To all: This is Lisa the Office Manager. I just want to remind you that if you have a private question you don’t wish to discuss here, please consider scheduling a 1-on-1 phone counseling session with Jim. Contact us at 714-768-1777 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to set up a session. You can find information on phone counseling on our website: www.midlife.com. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to donate to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you.

6:59 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: plumcrazy - that is common, they don't normally talk about the marriage stuff for a very long time, just the fact that he is talking and seems comfortable is a good thing, praise God. Just listen and one day he will grow beyond chit chat.

7:00 faithfull: writing mom you can email Lisa and ask her to give you my email so we can talk.

7:00 LisaK [Administrator]: ALL - it's time to close up. BUT, I will stay to answer the questions that came in before 7 pm PST. :o) If any more questions come to mind - jot them down on a pad and save them for our Wednesday chat session. That's good to keep by your bed too, and write things down as they come to mind and keep you awake. Once you write them down - you can let it go and get some rest.

7:01 writingmom: Faithfull: Thank you. I would like that. It is past my bedtime here. Goodnight!

7:01 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: plumcrazy - as Jim says in his books, they come to the opening of the cave many times and sometimes they only duck inside, other times they run back deep into the darkness, who knows what sets them off.

7:01 Jo2: writingmom - satan would love to keep you from having a heart for forgiveness. Have you read 1 Corinthians 13 lately. Beautiful. Have you see the moving Fireproof? or read the book?

7:02 Plumcrazy: Lisa K. -Jim said to not take the things H said to heart that you just get hurt that way , riding the rollercoaster. I am working on my own issues so I think H DOES see that I am changing my interactions with him

7:05 LisaK [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: BINGO! You got it!

7:02 writingmom: Jo2: Yes and yes. I can forgive, but I don't have hope. :-( Not sure if this is Satan or God telling me to suck it up and move on!

7:02 BlueSky: Writingmom, you must have HOPE!

7:03 Plumcrazy: Writing-Don’t give up HOPE

7:04 writingmom: BlueSky: Thank you. I feel so worn down. I know God is big, but it would take a miracle! So many of these stories seem to have ended in divorce. I don't want that at all, but it seems inevitable. I will keep praying for wisdom.

7:04 Jo2: writingmom - God would not tell you to suck it up and move on. Often our problem is lack of patience. Remember God's timing has to do with the fact that it is all about the "harvest" to Him, not just our happiness.

7:04 writingmom: Jo2: You are so right. I am very impatient! That is one of the things God is working on.

7:05 writingmom: LisaK: Great. THANK YOU! This has been so helpful! Blessings to you.

7:05 BlueSky: Writingmom, My h just 3 weeks ago said he wants a divorce and I don't want it either. I have learned here, it doesn't mean the end though. It does seem inevitable.

7:06 BlueSky: Goodnight all.

7:06 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: All I need to go, talk to you later this week.

7:06 Jo2: writingmom - 'patience is a virtue you will need in most areas of your life. Time to determine to learn patience from the Lord.

7:07 writingmom: Goodnight to you all and thank you so much. This was a much-needed gift.

7:07 Plumcrazy: Swan, Take care TTYL

7:08 Jo2: All - See you again soon. Blessings to all. Goodnight.

7:10 Plumcrazy: Lisa-AMEN to that!

7:10 LisaK [Administrator]: Lord God, please help us to make amends with sincere hearts that are free from bitterness and blame. Please bless this chat in the archives as others read it, that it would be helpful to them and bring glory to You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen

7:11 LisaK [Administrator]: "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up" (Deuteronomy 11:18-19).

7:12 LisaK [Administrator]: OK - closing the room. It will boot you out in a moment. Hope to see you on Wednesday. :o)

7:12 LisaK [Administrator]: Good night everyone.

7:13 Plumcrazy: Mas & Tamashii where did you 2 go?

7:13 Plumcrazy: Goodnite everyone

6:15 writingmom: Jim, thank you for the welcome. I have read your book and "When a Mate Wants Out". I am finding that as I get stronger, I feel less inclined to have sympathy for H. Reconciliation seems totally impossible!!

6:18 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: writingmom: Remember to take this process 1 day at a time and let God direct your emotions. This is a time when both of you will be changing - so don't make any decisions about reconciliation at this time.

6:24 faithfull: Dr Jim. I have stopped nagging him and have given him space like he wants it. He says he appreciates it and thanks me for being so understanding. Could it be that he is so emotionally attach to ow that he does not care. He told me to leave him alone. to let him live his life. He knows he is taking a risk with this girl but is his own fault.

6:28 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: I’m glad that you are taking off the pressure because most men interpret nagging as being mothered. Husband's want a fun wife for a companion at midlife - not a mom. Frequently the OW is a playful time at Disneyland without feeling obligations and duties.

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