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Aug. 31, 2009 / With Jim Conway

6:10 vsingh: Jim: even though she is married to him. She flaunts. Since they married. I backed away in every way. I tried hard before that to save my marriage and family. I would like to marry again someday, but how can we guarantee there will be no divorce. I can't go through that ever again


6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: vsingh: You're doing a great job. Marriage readiness comes about when there's been a thorough resolution of any of your issues related to the marriage, divorce, or your husband's remarriage.

  

5:52 LisaK [Administrator]: Hi Chat Room Guests. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I enjoy serving the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through the tough times of midlife crisis. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to make a tax-deductible donation to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you. Jim will be online with us momentarily, he will read your questions and dictate his replies to me so I can type them for you to read. Jim has time for all questions that are posted before the end of the hour. Thanks for understanding.

5:53 LisaK [Administrator]: See www.MidlifeRetreat.com for information on THE 2009 ANNUAL CHAT ROOM RETREAT in South Bend, Indiana, October 9-11. There are sessions with Jim and Jan Conway, and time to visit and share with your Chat Room friends. There is no fee to attend the Retreat. Attendees are responsible for their own transportation, food, and lodging expenses. Please contact Lisa at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. for more information and to be on the Chat Room Retreat Informational email list. Limited scholarship funds are available to help those in need of financial assistance to attend, if this is you, please write to us ASAP with your need.

“At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 PH).

5:56 LisaK [Administrator]: Lord, lead us to a higher realm where You dwell. Lead us into turning over all anger and worry, that we may be free to fully worship you and follow your perfect will for our lives. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

6:00 vsingh: Hi Lisa, I am glad your husband is home

6:01 vsingh: Lisa: thanks for your prayer. I have been battling worry

6:01 vsingh: hi helpme

6:01 LisaK [Administrator]: Hi Helping and Veena.

6:02 helpme: Hello everyone

6:02 vsingh: helpme: I forgot how long it has been for you. This journey

6:02 helpme: vsingh; A little over 3 yrs.

6:03 vsingh: helpme: same with me

6:03 Swanlake: Hello everyone

6:03 vsingh: Hi Jim, Swan, Surety2

6:04 Surety2: Good evening

6:05 MAS: Hello everyone.

6:05 helpme: Swanlake; I have a praise to share with you...remember dil told me son did not want to talk to me? He called today on the webcam and we talked for about 45 minutes! It was SO GOOD to see & get to talk to him!

6:06 vsingh: Jim: I have let go of h and ow, but ow likes to flaunt that she has my h, are ow’s very insecure?

6:09 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: vsingh: Yes, generally troubled people attract troubled people. So it is not uncommon to find that the other woman (or man) is quite insecure and has a fair amount of their own "baggage".

6:06 vsingh: helpme: that is great

6:06 Swanlake: helpme - I suspected that what she said wasn't how he really felt, I am so glad he called and you got to speak to him for so long. Please try to remember when she says things, it is partly manipulation and partly a desperate fear she has when she

6:06 helpme: vsingh Yes :)

6:06 Surety2: helpme: what a blessing, the talk with you s

6:07 Swanlake: helpme - continued - isn't able to be in complete control of any situation.

6:08 helpme: Swanlake; Yes, I do need to remember things like that. I did not say anything to son that dil had made such a statement, felt it was best left alone.

6:08 Surety2: MAS: how are you doing?

6:09 vsingh: MAS: how are you. I hope you are feeling better

6:10 Surety2: Jim: @ 609.... we are all such wonderful, beautiful women.....what are they thinking :o) do they forget what they fell in love with...how do you fall in love again all over again. when there is distance and / or no communication?

6:15 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Surety2: A funny thing happened at one of our chat room retreats. One of the women attendees brought her college age son and his friend with her -- they had fun just hanging out at the beach while their mom was attending the retreat. As the retreat was getting started, the 2 college boys walked into the retreat room and they said out loud to me, "what's wrong with these husbands? Because all these women are all BABES". So many times, the issue is not the woman directly, but several issues all piling up at midlife. People will fall in love again with each other as they understand each other's needs and seek to meet them. When the mate lives a long ways away, then all of the changes are communicated through the friendship grapevine.

6:10 helpme: Surety2; Yes, it was a blessing to get to talk to my son:)

6:10 vsingh: Jim: even though she is married to him. She flaunts. Since they married. I backed away in every way. I tried hard before that to save my marriage and family.
I would like to marry again someday, but how can we guarantee there will be no divorce. I can't go through that ever again

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: vsingh: You're doing a great job. Marriage readiness comes about when there's been a thorough resolution of any of your issues related to the marriage, divorce, or your husband's remarriage.

6:11 Swanlake: helpme - I agree, best not to create a problem because if you tell him and he says anything to her, she will blow up and make matters worse. Keeping her in prayer and recognizing her behaviors and not allowing them to get to you is best.

6:11 MAS: Surety2 and vsingh: I'm doing a little better today, thank you for asking. I'm trying not to think about the fact that my H hasn't contacted me for 9 days, not even to say hello. He's spoken with my mother and our daughter, but he hasn't bothered to call me.

6:11 MAS: Surety@ and vsingh: How are you both doing today?

6:11 vsingh: MAS: It is his guilt

6:12 Surety2: MAS: I am feeling your pain... no contact, even contact full of dissention is better some times.

6:12 vsingh: MAS:I struggled some today.

6:12 MAS: Surety2: That is a very good question..I would very much like the answer to that, too.

6:13 MAS: Surety2: Yes. Just a quick phone call would be nice once in awhile...but the calls are coming in less and less.

6:13 Surety2: MAS: do you ever wander if you are making choices, like enrolling in classes that it’s to better you or to one up the ow? how do you really know the difference.

6:14 vsingh: MAS: Is there an ow

6:14 MAS: vsingh @6:12: I am so sorry you are having a bad day. Would you like to share anything?

6:14 Surety2: MAS: I am sorry you have to endure that.... it is very hard. I pray harder at that time, but sometimes that ole satan whips me

6:15 vsingh: MAS: It is harder in my culture India to go through this my parents and uncles, etc are old fashioned

6:15 Surety2: MAS: ...giggle... I meant to ask how do you really know the "difference"

6:16 MAS: Surety2@6:13: Well, I guess the right thing to do is to do it for yourself, but sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference. ( I wasn't even aware of the spelling! ) :)

6:17 vsingh: MAS: we are important whether or not we have h. Take care of you

6:18 Surety2: Jim; what if there is no friend base..... or one is not interested at the time to understand nor meet the others need...... I know what if's are icky questions.

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Surety2: Generally information travels back and forth through friends, family, work associates, neighbors, church and sports connections, or through children. If the wife suddenly takes up motorcycle riding, sky diving, scuba diving, or learning to fly a plane, the word will travel quickly on the various informal networks. But if the wife is taking a knitting class, it's probably not going to be noticed very much.

6:18 MAS: vsingh@6:14: I don't know if there's OW. That's part of the problem and it's tearing me up inside!

6:19 vsingh: Jim: why are the divorce rate higher for 2nd marriages. Is it because they jump in it too fast.

6:24 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: vsingh: Yes, the divorce rate is higher for the 2nd, 3rd, and subsequent marriages because people don't solve the problems which caused the first divorce. So they continue to carry baggage from marriage to marriage -- plus they become more easily discouraged from working on the marriage because they are feeling bad that they failed in their previous marriage(s).

6:19 DigiMom: good evening everyone, I am going to go back and catch up

6:19 helpme: Youngest son is calling

6:19 MAS: vsingh@6:17: Yes. Someone recently gave me good advice. She said we need to be our own best friends.

6:20 vsingh: MAS: yes, and enjoy your own company

6:20 Surety2: MAS@ 618 don’t send your mind down that road.... give him the benefit of the doubt until in some way it is brought to light.... just go at it as he is on his own and working on issues your may not understand right not.

6:20 Hannah2: Hi everybody, booked my flights today for retreat. Can't wait.

6:20 Surety2: MAS with regard to ow

6:21 MAS: vsingh@6:20: I made up my mind today that that is what I am going to do...Start enjoying my own company again the way I used to.

6:21 Surety2: MAS he is so confused, don’t wish or worry if there may or may not be an ow.

6:21 Surety2: Hannah what city to you book too?

6:21 Hannah2: Lisa I sent you details of my flights

6:27 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Hannah2: (from Jim) Good for you, we're looking forward to seeing you! (from Lisa) Hannah - I got your email, and I think I replied???? Thursday arrival is no problem.

6:22 Hannah2: Surety I am going directly to South Bend

6:22 vsingh: MAS: hang out with friends, take classes, volunteer. Look at it as an opportunity

6:22 Hannah2: It didn't work out for me to fly to Chicago, same price, same time flights arriving so I went to South Bend.

6:23 MAS: Surety2 6:20 Thank you, that is very comforting to hear that. And that's the way I'm trying to look at it, but I still can't help thinking in the back of my mind that there is OW.

6:23 Hannah2: helpme now you have to get yourself organized for retreat

6:24 Surety2: Jim@ 623 rats I wanted so bad to learn to knit sweaters and pot holders

6:25 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Surety2: Rats!! I was hoping that you would knit baby booties for Jan and I for the baby that we're going to be having!!! By the way, Jan and I are married 3 years, 6 months, and 11 days -- it's our anniversary.

6:25 MAS: vsing@6:22 I don't have too many friends around...Most of them live out of state. I try to volunteer when and where I can, but it's very hard for me to get around because I am without a car.

6:25 Hannah2: surety, when my Japanese girls were here they wanted to knit one of the crazy scarves that were in at the time so I taught them to knit (which I hadn't done for years) and then I got into it myself and I have knitted 56 of those crazy scarves for people and my h noticed and commented on it whilst we were waiting for my grandchild to be born.

6:26 vsingh: Jim: happy anniversary. I can tell you have a very solid marriage

6:26 Hannah2: Jim congratulations, you always find an excuse for an anniversary - LOL

6:26 MAS: Jim @6:24 I just happened to read that very same thing today!

6:26 Surety2: Jim congratulations........ I count my wedding anniversaries too... cause I just know I WILL SHARE EM WITH H AGAIN

6:27 MAS: Surety2: How long have you been married?

6:27 vsingh: MAS: you can always come visit me. I am in GA

6:27 Surety2: JIM I cannot knit anyway ....not enough fingers, I get all tied up.... I sew though...

6:28 Surety2: Jim...sew my fingers too LOL

6:28 MAS: vsingh@6:27: Are you serious?!! That is so sweet of you!!

6:28 vsingh: MAS: yes, I am serious. We need to stick together.

6:28 Surety2: Mas 3 yrs..6 months and 5 days

6:29 Surety2: and 1 hour

6:29 MAS: vsingh@6:28 Thank you so much! Again, that is really sweet of you!!

6:29 vsingh: MAS: what is your state?

6:29 MAS: Surety2: And one hour!! But who's counting! LOL

6:30 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: All - Thanks for your well wishes on our anniversary! :o)

6:30 MAS: vsingh@6:29 AZ

6:31 MAS: LisaK: No.

To all: This is Lisa the Office Manager. I just want to remind you that if you have a private question you don’t wish to discuss here, please consider scheduling a 1-on-1 phone counseling session with Jim. Contact us at 714-768-1777 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to set up a session. You can find information on phone counseling on our website: www.midlife.com. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to donate to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you.

6:31 vsingh: Jim: my h had a lot of baggage before he married me. Married ow as an escape for his depression. She has a lot o baggage also. Those marriages are shaky. My son sees it

6:35 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: vsingh: It's good that your son is learning from the struggles that you and your husband have had - and also that he's able to observe the new marriage.

6:31 Surety2: MAS: me

6:31 vsingh: MAS: If ever you want to come, email me.

6:32 DigiMom: MAS, you are in AZ? So am I.

6:32 Surety2: MAS and I am never gonna stop counting the anniversaries either......

6:32 MAS: DigiMom: Really?? You are??

Everyone - We're hoping to get the 2 websites merged this week! Then there will only be the www.midlife.com website to go to, with all the new features of the www.midliferetreat.com website.

6:33 MAS: Surety2: I know. I understand.

6:33 vsingh: MAS: see you have a nearby friend

6:33 DigiMom: MAS, privately email me and I will let you know where if you want.

6:33 Surety2: Lisa: you rock and you totally deserve it.... you worked so hard to get both site merged into one

6:33 MAS: vsingh@6:31 Thank you. I will. I'd like to talk to you more about it. :)

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Everyone - We're hoping to get the 2 websites merged this week! Then there will only be the www.midlife.com website to go to, with all the new features of the www.midliferetreat.com website.

6:34 vsingh: MAS: yes, feel free to email about it. A change may do you good

6:34 MAS: DigiMom@6:33 Thank you, also. I will do that! Please feel free to e-mail me as well.

6:34 DigiMom: Lisa, the one thing I would like to see is to be able to change the size of the font in Chat. My eyes are playing tricks on me. Lisa, I was happy to read your hubby was home. I hope and pray he will have a speedy recovery and ready for the next stage.

6:37 Dr. Lisa Kahan [Administrator]: DigiMom: - that would be a neat idea. If you're using Internet Explorer, you can click on the little 100% sign in the lower right corner, and you'll see you can enlarge your page that way. Also, thanks for your prayers! :o)

6:36 vsingh: Jim: I don't know if my son understands it all. His father really turned into a monster with me

6:37 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: vsingh: Just keep praying for your son - kids are a lot smarter than we think.

6:36 MAS: vsingh: Please don't hesitate to e-mail me also!

6:36 DigiMom: Jim, I see my h here at home once a week when he comes to mow the lawn. I am at a loss know of what to talk to him about. I don't have much to say anymore. So our communication is deteriorating

6:39 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: DigiMom: Look for things to say that are affirming, talk about the new stuff that you're doing - motorcycle lessons, go cart driving, sky diving, computer classes , singing in the opera, etc. etc. Also, you can always share stuff about kids, friends, or families.

6:36 vsingh: MAS: all right MAS. If you can, you should go to the retreat. It is healing

6:37 Hannah2: goodnight all, God Bless and remember you are all in my prayers.

6:37 MAS: DigiMom: I remember you mentioning that the other day. I feel the same way. Our conversation has become very awkward and strained.

6:37 MAS: vsingh: Are you going to the retreat?

6:38 vsingh: MAS: We should be grateful that we have the technology we do. Women that went thru this in other time periods did not have this support

6:38 vsingh: MAS: I am not sure yet about the retreat

6:38 Surety2: ALL: my s is starving...... so I have to feed him...... Have a great night and week

6:39 MAS: vsingh: Yes, you are right. Having a computer through all of this has been a lifesaver. It has kept me connected to the outside world. I only wish I had found this site a lot sooner.

6:40 DigiMom: Jim, thank you, he has no interest in my things, he proved that to me before he left.

6:42 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: DigiMom: He probably is not going to show any interest because he is afraid that will give you too much hope.

6:40 vsingh: Jim: yes, I pray for all the children. Just recently someone in this group sent out prayer request her daughter on anti-depressants because of the divorce.

6:41 vsingh: MAS:WE should thank Jim for this ministry :)

6:42 MAS: vsingh: I am so grateful for this chat room.

6:42 vsingh: MAS: Also, pets are very healing. I never had one before, but I got a puppy for my son and I when this started

6:42 DigiMom: Jim. ahh!

6:43 MAS: DigiMom: Yes, my H always keeps saying that he doesn't want to give me false hope.

6:43 DigiMom: MAS, and what do you say to that?

6:44 vsingh: Jim: I have to thank you for this ministry. It really helped me with my depression. I am stronger now.

6:45 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: vsingh: I'm glad that you're stronger. You do seem to be much better -- it would be fun to see you at the retreat.

6:44 Jo2: DigiMom - If you have a chance to talk with him, ASK him a question. Think ahead about those topics you know he has interest in and start there. Don't expect a miracle but I found that my h still liked to talk about himself and his interests.

6:44 MAS: vsingh: I lost a family pet during this period...One we had for over 18 years. It was very, very hard to deal with yet another loss.

6:45 MAS: DigiMom: I just try to ignore it now, but it used to make me cry.

6:45 vsingh: MAS:I am so sorry. They become family.

6:45 vsingh: Jim: I'll try to make it.

6:45 DigiMom: Jo, that makes sense, especially since they are so self-centered right now.

6:46 MAS: vsingh: Oh yes, they are just like babies...

6:47 DigiMom: all, I am going to scoot out, have to go clean the kitchen. Jim, thank you and blessings to everyone.

6:48 vsingh: Jim: I saw Jan wrote a book. Congratulations

6:48 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: vsingh: Yes - Jan's book will be out in the next couple of weeks. The publishing company is taking preorders at this time. It's very exciting.

6:48 vsingh: MAS: One thing with this is that I have been reading a lot. I never used to before

6:48 MAS: DigiMom: I'm having to learn to start keeping our conversations very light. This is very hard for me to do because of the desire to want answers from him. But I've learned that casual conversations with no pressure are the best route to go.

6:49 Jo2: DigiMom - Make a mental note of how it worked out, how he acted, where you could have done better. Remember that they are on a journey that is about them self and their issues. We may have been flawed, but perfect would not have avoided the mlc.

6:50 vsingh: all: good night. I am going to call my son before he goes to bed. The hardest part of this for me was not seeing son every day.

6:50 MAS: vsingh: And I am just the opposite. I LOVE to read, but I have had a very hard time being able to focus on things. Hopefully, that will be starting to change.

6:50 MAS: vsingh: Good night. I will e-mail you!

6:51 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: All - I'm really exhausted tonight. I think I'm going to excuse myself a little early and head to bed. I'll be back with you next Monday. I hope you can come again. Jan and I will continue to keep you in our prayers. We love you all so much. Goodnight. God Bless.

6:51 MAS: Hello, Lia.

6:51 vsingh: Mas: okay, sometimes I take a while to get to email since I can't view it at work

6:52 MAS: vsingh: Or you can e-mail me, then.

6:52 vsingh: MAS: either way, take care

6:52 LisaK [Administrator]: Hi Lia. Sorry you just missed Jim. Jim was really tired. I could hear it in his voice.

6:52 vsingh: good night all

6:53 MAS: vsingh: Okay! Have a good night!

6:53 LisaK [Administrator]: Lia - are you going to the retreat?

6:53 Lia: Swan & Jo: Do you think this last longer if the ow has lead a similar lifestyle, ie H moved a lot as kid, his mom was pretty loose like ow & ow seems attracted to same kind guys as my H all time she

6:54 Jo2: Sorry - phone call. Blessings to all, sweet dreams.

7:00 LisaK [Administrator]: Heavenly Father, thank you for holding our future and planning wonderful blessings ahead. Even though we cannot see them, we trust that you'll provide them. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

7:00 LisaK [Administrator]: I'm closing down in 10 seconds :o)

7:00 MAS: LisaK I will e-mail or call you tomorrow. Thanks!

7:01 LisaK [Administrator]: "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18).

7:01 LisaK [Administrator]: 7:00 MAS: Do you have a 2nd email address? Or does your email put us in spam sometimes? I can't figure out why the emails I send you get returned.

7:02 Lia: Sorry, visitor

7:02 MAS: LisaK: My mailbox is often full. I have to empty it throughout the day.

7:02 Lia: Bye God Bless!

7:03 LisaK [Administrator]: 7:02 MAS: Oh, got it. I'll watch for your reply tomorrow, and then put you in touch with the lady with the ticket if you're interested.

7:04 LisaK [Administrator]: She is one of our facilitators.

7:04 LisaK [Administrator]: OK - I've got to get going. Good night dear.

7:04 MAS: LisaK I will try and contact you again! (I got the last e-mail but haven't had a chance to read it yet.)

7:04 MAS: Okay, thanks! Have a great night!

7:11 LisaK [Administrator]:
For a list of media recommendations by Jim Conway, Midlife Dimensions, Lisa Kahan, and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit Amazon via our special link: http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20. Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.

  

6:10 vsingh: Jim: even though she is married to him. She flaunts. Since they married. I backed away in every way. I tried hard before that to save my marriage and family. I would like to marry again someday, but how can we guarantee there will be no divorce. I can't go through that ever again


6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: vsingh: You're doing a great job. Marriage readiness comes about when there's been a thorough resolution of any of your issues related to the marriage, divorce, or your husband's remarriage.

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