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August 24, 2009 / With Jim Conway

6:53 cab: Jim: I am desperate. My marriage is 100% better except my husband won’t give up the girl he made friends with when things were bad for us. claims he is in love with me and I believe him. I ask him to give her up but won’t no matter what I say

6:56 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]:   cab: For now, it would be better to spend your energies on making the other woman look less interesting to your husband, by making yourself more interesting.

  

5:58 LisaK [Administrator]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he’ll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via Paypal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.


6:00 LisaK [Administrator]: You have seen me tossing and turning through the night. You have collected all my tears and preserved them in your bottle! You have recorded everyone in your book. The very day I call for help, the tide of battle turns. My enemies flee! This one thing I know: God is for me! (Ps 56:8-9)

6:03 Swanlake: Hello everyone

6:04 cab: hello this is cab first time

6:04 Swanlake: hello cab and welcome

6:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Hello everyone. I’m really glad to be here today. It’s a privilege for me to serve the Lord by helping all of you in the Chat Room. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate our Chat Room Facilitators. It is truly a labor of love for them to serve our Chat Room Ministry and they deserve a standing ovation for all they do. I’m thankful that you’re here supporting each other and for your commitment to work on your marriage. I know you’re hurting inside, and I want to encourage you not to let that pain become hurtful to your family or anyone in the chat room. Although I want you to feel safe and openly share your pain so we can help you, I ask that you’re careful not to criticize anyone or add difficulties to their situation. God’s Word tells us that we are to encourage and build up one another, not tear each other down, let’s live that out today by our actions in this room. Destructive words don’t belong here or in emails to each other. Let’s get going with your questions now.

6:05 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Cab, WELCOME! I’m Jim Conway, President of Midlife Dimensions. This room is here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email or home address, phone #, or any names. Here’s how to join in: 1) Type the name of the person you want to speak to followed by your entry. 2) You’re limited to 250 keystrokes per entry. If your entry is long, then click “chat” to post it and start your next entry with the word “continued”. 3) Type “To All” if you have a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you’d like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We’ll have them contact you to exchange information.

6:05 MAS: Hi everyone.

6:05 cab: I talked to you Jim a few weeks ago and I am desperate. I am doing and feeling terrible

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: cab: We are all so very sorry that you're continuing to have such intense pain. I wish there was some magical way to take this pain away, but I need to remind you that part of this is a process, much the same as if you had broken your leg and had to go through all of the recovery process. What I have found most helpful is to deliberately turn this problem over to God and letting him handle this. Last night in our Bible study at our home, we looked at Psalm 139. I would encourage you to look at the amazing promises that are in that Psalm.

6:06 MAS: cab: What is wrong? How can we help?

6:08 MAS: cab: Just type Jim's name and ask your question. He will answer you.

6:09 Swanlake: cab - Jim is here simply type his name and then your question and he will respond

6:11 MAS: cab: Everyone is here to help you. All you need to do is explain what is bothering you.

6:13 cab: Jim: I had a 1 hour conversation with you a few weeks ago about my marriage. To make a long story short: I did the love dare and my husband did a 40 day fast through the church. As a result we did the FALLING BACK IN LOVE" as your book .

6:18 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: cab: I’m glad that the 2 of you are working on the "Love Dare" process.

6:16 Swanlake: hey helpme - how are you tonight

6:17 steadfast: Hello to all

6:18 MAS: Hi helpme.

6:18 helpme: Swanlake; Hello. Doing ok. Got to e mail son back & forth some today that sure brightened my day.

6:19 Swanlake: helpme - I hope he is doing good.

6:19 MAS: Hi DigiMom. How are you?

6:20 helpme: Swanlake; I ask him if there was Anything he liked about being over there, he said ya, when he goes out & sees kids, they give our guys a thumbs up he says it makes him feel good inside...I

6:20 steadfast: Jim: I had to contact my h by email and ask, although I didn't want to, if he might be able to contribute to expensive vet bills for our dog to have surgery. By the way, our s is also having serious neurological medical testing. It has been a stress full time for all. He emailed me back and said that he considers dog mine now and has a hard time thinking about him as he was so attached to him. He will consider helping with vet bills and actually for 1st time addressed email with Dear Would it be overly hopeful of me to think that the Lord is softening his heart a bit here. He hasn't paid for vet bills before and our dog has ongoing medical needs and he actually addressed letter as Dear? What do you think?

6:28 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: steadfast: I’m sorry, but it seems to be that your husband is disconnecting from all responsibilities related to the dog - you may need to chat with your lawyer about greater monthly support to handle this increased cost.

6:20 helpme: know how my son loves children so I can just picture that.

6:22 DigiMom: Hi MAS, and all

6:22 helpme: MAS; Hello, how are you?

6:23 cab: Jim, the problem is that he started talking to an old girl friend he had a close relationship, even a physical relationship, when things were bad for us. No matter what I say or do he won’t stop talking to her and claims she is just a friend. - Jim: I said that wrong. He had a relationship 34 years ago and was physical .Not now. He swears he has not had one since 32 years ago and does not want one.

6:30 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: cab: Most people feel that they are not having a relationship with a person unless there is physical intercourse - much like Bill Clinton's definition. But I have found that the emotional relationship is sometimes as destructive as if it were a full sexual relationship.

6:25 steadfast: Swan: Haven't talked to you for quite some time. How are you doing?

6:26 MAS: DigiMom/helpme: I had a bad morning yesterday, but thankfully I’m doing better today. It's a lot like being a horse on a merry-go-round as far as my emotions go.

6:26 Swanlake: steadfast - I am doing fine, thanks

6:27 steadfast: Swan: Are you hopeful to go to the retreat?

6:27 MAS: DigiMom/helpme: I never know how I’m going to wake up.

6:27 Swanlake: steadfast - still not sure.

6:27 helpme: MAS; Aren't you glad we have the Lord to help us through this :) I’m so glad you're doing better today!

6:27 MAS: DigiMom/helpme: How are you both doing today?

6:28 steadfast: Helpme: Praying for your s

6:28 cab: He says he is in love with me and shows that very much and I feel it. I told him that if he loved me he would get rid of her but no matter what I do or say he wont.. He says I am a manipulator.

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: cab: It's very encouraging that your husband says he's in love with you - but he may be not fully understanding the emotional pain which you are experiencing. I’m also concerned to make sure that you are not viewing all of these problems through "depression". Have you chatted with your doctor about the possibility of being depressed?

6:29 helpme: MAS; I’m doing ok....I have bumpy days also sometimes :)

6:29 helpme: steadfast; Bless you :)

6:30 DigiMom: MAS, did something in particular happen?

6:30 MAS: helpme: Yes, I’m sure we all go through the same thing.

6:31 cab: Jim: I am a spirit filled Christian and about a week ago I got drunk til I passed out for the first time so I would not have to think for just a while. I hurt so bad. I can’t do this much longer

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: cab: Your reaction with alcohol may indicate that you are seriously depressed - I strongly urge you to chat with your doctor about your experience. In order to handle all of the issues of midlife crisis, we need you to be a healthy and stable person -- so for now, forget trying to change your husband -- just concentrate on getting yourself stable.

6:32 steadfast: Jim: The good news is that he is going to consider helping us pay for the surgery. I already brought the issue up with the lawyers at joint meetings and it was to have been on the agenda a year ago but there have been no further meetings ; my lawyer tried several times to get a date for a next meeting but there was no reply and it was costing me huge money to continue to have my lawyer pursue this and send copies of letters sent. I am keeping all receipts for vet bills though and special prescription dog food. The lawyer told me though if it went to court the judge would just say "get rid of the dog" He is part of the family and is now 10 years old.

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: steadfast: I’m sure that the issue with the vet bills is a real financial concern - but don't let that become something that you use to prove he doesn't care -- don't let the vet bills cause a further breakdown between everybody including your lawyers.

6:32 helpme: MAS; There were times when my H first left all I could pray was 'Lord help me'...and that was it.

6:33 MAS: 6:30 DigiMom: Oh, a lot of it is that I tend to think too much about things. And yes, there is usually a trigger. This time it was the fact that my H was out of town for the weekend yet again...he has been going away almost on a weekly basis now

6:34 helpme: Swanlake; I was hoping Mindy would be going to the retreat this year but she told me this evening she wasn't going to get to.

6:34 DigiMom: MAS, does he go to be with someone?

6:35 MAS: DigiMom: for quite some time saying that it's for business reasons. I just can't help wondering if he's also seeing someone else while he's away.

To all: This is Lisa the Office Manager. I just want to remind you that if you have a private question you don’t wish to discuss here, please consider scheduling a 1-on-1 phone counseling session with Jim. Contact us at 714-768-1777 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to set up a session. You can find information on phone counseling on our website: www.midlife.com. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to donate to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you.

6:35 Swanlake: helpme - sorry to hear that, if I get to come I would have loved to have seen her and been about to catch up with her.

6:37 DigiMom: MAS, Are you separated? Or is he home during the week?

6:38 Surety2: MAS: I’ve learned through my own experience to try not to concentrate on what my H may or may not be doing. It will drive you nuts...and cause you such pain. I rely on the serenity prayer when I get into that place......

6:38 Surety2: MAS cont asking God for peace, courage and wisdom....

6:39 MAS: DigiMom: He left 2 1/2 years ago and has never been back.

6:40 MAS: Surety2: Thank you. And you are so right. It has driven me crazy....And yes! The pain!

6:40 DigiMom: MAS, yes, that was good advice from Surety

6:42 helpme: Jo2; Hello, how are you this evening?

6:42 Surety2: MAS: that prayer was the only way I could get past the ow and rely on God for strength......

6:42 MAS: DigiMom/Surety2: It just gets me so tired...I don't think I've ever worked so hard at anything in my life.

6:42 steadfast: Jim: Sorry if I came across as wanting another legal meeting because of vet bills. It was my h who wanted to settle all of our affairs and in the end they couldn't get him or his lawyer to commit to another meeting to discuss various settlements. The vet bills was something h lawyer wanted included since I was asking for increased support due to various extra expenses. I told my lawyer not to push anything any further and to wait. I tried to explain MLC to him. Good news is not more legal meetings in a year. I just thought that with him actually considering helping us and for first time addressing letter as Dear that maybe he was reconnecting a bit

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: steadfast: Perhaps for now, you need to follow your lawyer's advice (since he is right there at the situation). It seems to me that he is encouraging you to let a little more time pass without pressing for additional funds.

6:43 Surety2: good grief..... I just love modern technology.......

6:43 MAS: Surety2: It has taken me all this time just to get over the shock of his leaving. And then the shock of his being with other women almost put me over the edge.

6:44 Surety2: : MAS/DigiMom: it is a lot of work....... PTL we will see our reward one day......

6:44 helpme: Surelty2; Know what you mean....sometimes it's not all it's cracked up to be...can't even stay connected!

6:45 Surety2: MAS: but the OW is so deceived by the enemy as well...... they need our prayers too.... it’s hard... and I too struggle with it but I know God expects me to forgive to be forgiven and pray for all His lost sheep.

6:45 Surety2: help me.... my computer has a mind of its own.... it suffers from MLC too

6:46 MAS: helpme/Surety2: Agree with you about the technology!!

6:47 helpme: Surety2; You reminded me of a Bible verse. 'Don't get tired of doing what's right, for in due season you shall reap if you faint not.' Gal.6;9

6:47 Surety2: argh..... are you there..... I am here somewhere

6:48 Surety2: helpme...... that’s a great verse to remember....

6:48 helpme: Surety2; Bless your heart, you're having a time of it tonight aren't you!

6:48 steadfast: Jim: It is me who is trying to hold the reins on my lawyer. If he had his way, he would have continued to pursue another meeting and wanted to get everything settled and over with

6:48 MJ 2: helpme: thanks for the bible verse. I've not heard that one before.

6:49 Jo2: helpme - Sorry, I've been trying to catch up. I am good. Had a short and very pleasant phone conversation with h. Our granddaughter has a health problem and we were talking about it. Also, a friend our age has had a stroke. Bittersweet but nice.

6:49 Surety2: helpme..... yup...... what fun

6:50 helpme: MJ2; I got it from '100 Days of Praise for Women' book that I read.

6:51 MJ 2: helpme: Are all the sayings like that?

6:52 Surety2: helpme: last night you made a comment .....to ask God to show us what he wants for our marriage....listen for his answer

6:53 helpme: MJ2; Yes, all 382 pages, I love the book myself.

6:53 cab: Jim: I am desperate. My marriage is 100% better except my husband won’t give up the girl he made friends with when things were bad for us. claims he is in love with me and I believe him. I ask him to give her up but won’t no matter what I say

6:56 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]:   cab: For now, it would be better to spend your energies on making the other woman look less interesting to your husband, by making yourself more interesting.

6:53 Jo2: CAB - I hope you take JIM's advice & ask your doctor about depression. Also, it will backfire if you try to order your husband to correct a bad decision. Better - ask if you 2 can talk about what will improve your relationship (ignore ow, for now)

6:53 Surety2: helpme...... so is having such peace to wait for the restoration, to continue praying .... Gods answer for standing? that’s my take on it.

6:54 helpme: Surety2; I did? Maybe it was someone else, don't remember saying that.

6:54 MJ 2: helpme: Thanks. I will check into that book.

6:54 Surety2: helpme..... someone did ..... thought it was you...... but anyway.....

6:56 Jo2: CAB - Seriously, talk with him as if she does not exist. Let him know that your relationship with him is valuable, he is important, and you want to know what YOU can do to improve things. Apologize for your mistakes. Then LISTEN.

6:56 helpme: MJ2; It's good...it also has positive things that different people have said. Found mine at WalMart!

6:57 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: We still have about 4 minutes left, and Before anyone logs out, I want to thank you all for coming. Please come again and invite your friends! Remember; the Sun./Wed./Fri. sessions are open to share and encourage each other, with the assistance of our trained facilitators.. The Mon. session is primarily a Q and A time with me in the room. Chat room hours are: Sunday, Wednesday and Friday: 6-7 pm Pacific Time. Monday (live chat with me): 6-7 pm Pacific Time. And Saturdays at 1:00 pm PST.

6:57 Surety2: Jo2: it’s crazy how they just describe it as a friendship and we should just understand

6:58 cab: JO2: everything is great and wonderful for us now except he won’t give up his friend. IT is causing me mental damage, If he could just stop everything would be perfect.

7:01 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: CAB regarding 6:58 to Jo2, I know you addressed this comment to Jo2, but I want you to know that we are all concerned about you because you are focusing only on your husband giving up this other woman. Unless you discover why he needs the other woman, and then eliminate that need, he will still have the same problem with other women. So the solution is to eliminate the need for the other woman -- asking repeatedly begging him to give her up is counterproductive. Maybe we do need to talk by phone soon.

6:59 cab: JIM: I have read your book and done all you said But if he does not give her up I may not make it.

6:59 Swanlake: Gotta go, see you all later this week

6:59 steadfast: Jim and all. Thank you for your words of wisdom. To all of you who are going through such difficult times , I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Praying that your week improves. God bless.

7:00 helpme: God Bless Each And Every One. In my prayers, good night

7:00 cab: JIM: How long am I to wait for him to get rid of her? He knows what it is doing to me and still continues

7:00 Surety2: well my computer made me disappear again..... have a great week....Jim....thank you for being here to answer our tough questions......

7:01 Jo2: CAB - I don't want to overdo but your pressure could cause him to think she is easier to get along with. Jim is absolutely right about YOU focusing on being more interesting. Don't push your h to make her more imp than she is. Love him more. :o)

7:02 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Good night everyone. Pray for each other and come back on Wednesday night to chat with the facilitators.

7:03 cab: JO2: Can we still chat when he is gone?

CAB - This is from LisaK. God is at work in and around you. You may not see His hand, hear His voice or even understand His process, but you can rest assured that you can trust His heart. Remember, every problem points to a promise. "We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4 There is no need to worry about the future. God is in control. All you need to worry about is loving Him. I’m glad to hear you're growing during this time. God uses problems to correct us. Some lessons can only be learned in the darkness, through pain and failure. "It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." Psalm 119:71-72 Keep up the great work! Problems, when responded to correctly, are character builders.

7:04 Jo2: CAB - I will pray that the Lord will trust Him to lead you each day to keep your focus on the common ground between you and your h. May you seek the peace that comes only from Christ.

7:05 Jo2: CAB - We can talk until Lisa says she is turning the chat off.

For CAB from Lisak: EXCERPT FROM THE BOOK, "EXCELLENT WIFE" BY MARTHA PEACE; Scripture never says that the wife's obedience to God depends on her husband's conduct. Any wife who finds herself thinking thoughts like these needs to turn her focus from what her husband is doing wrong and instead make it her priority to please God by first laying aside her own disobedience to God's Word. SEE Matthew 7:5. As a wife focuses on her God appointed responsibility to biblically submit to her husband, she will likely begin to see her circumstances more clearly and learn how to better deal with her husband's sin in a biblically appropriate way. God is always working His purpose in a wife's circumstances. He wants to develop Christlike character within her and give her the special opportunity and privilege to glorify Him. God can even overcome what is evil or wicked for the wife's good as the character of Christ is developed within her. God's purpose will be accomplished no matter what! See Romans 8:28-29. So we are commanded to "consider it joy." You do that in the midst of a trial by thinking, "This is good for me and God has purpose in it or He would not permit it. This is not fun, but I do have joy in knowing that God is working in my life to accomplish His purposes." As you look to tomorrow, it should be with hope in the Lord Jesus Christ. Because of Him, you can "smile at the future" (Proverbs 31:25). In the book, "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace, she writes about 4 Biblical Principles Concerning A Wife's Submission and Joy. These 4 principles are exactly why our Facilitators our so successful and experience such peace and joy in their lives. I’m going to list out the 4 principles for you, but you'll need to get the book to read more about the principles. Principle #1 Joy Results from trusting and obeying God's Word. Principle #2 Joy results from knowing that God is working to accomplish His purpose even in difficult circumstances. Principle #3 Joy results from following the example of the Lord Jesus in difficult times. Principle #4 Joy results from a Spirit-filled life. One more for you from her book: God is always working His purpose in a wife's circumstances. He wants to develop Christlike character within her and give her the special opportunity and privilege to glorify Him. God can even overcome what s evil or wicked for the wife's good as the character of Christ is developed within her. God's purpose will bee accomplished no matter what! "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28, 29). So we are commanded to "consider it joy." You do that in the midst of a trial by thinking, "This is good for me and God has purpose in it or He would not permit it. "This is not fun, but I do have joy in knowing that God is working in my life to accomplish His purposes."

7:06 Jo2: Cab - I wish I could stay longer but need to talk to my daughter who just stopped in. See you Wednesday?

7:06 cab: Jo2: He already finds more pleasant conversation with her . He says he wants me not her but I can’t give him all of me with her in the picture

For CAB from Lisak: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." Genesis 50:20 "Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30 God uses problems to correct us. Some lessons can only be learned in the darkness, through pain and failure. "It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." Psalm 119:71-72 Problems, when responded to correctly, are character builders. "We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4

7:07 LisaK [Administrator]: Jesus, I pray that you teach us to die to ourselves in order for your glory to radiate out of our brokenness. That your Spirit would soon become our identity. And that our long suffering and weariness would become a strength that reveals what a moment in your most Holy Place can do. Thank you for this Chat Room, Lord, and please allow your glory to shine through this conversation and bless all who read it looking for your perfect guidance. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

7:08 Jo2: Cab - Trust God to give you peace. Give this problem to HIM and be your husband’s sweetest friend. God knows your need.

7:09 cab: LISA K: If this is causing me to get drunk which I never have etc. He has to stop or it will break us up I know.

7:09 LisaK [Administrator]: Cab and Mas. I have to get my daughter who got out of Band Camp at 7:00 pm . We need to head to the hospital to visit my husband. CAB - please go to www.MidlifeRetreat.com and enjoy the new website. Register on that site, you can use your same chat name and password, once registered you can view archives and facilitator bios.

7:10 cab: Thanks

7:10 MAS: Thank you Lisa. Have a wonderful night.

7:12 LisaK [Administrator]: Cab and Mas, before I run out, I’m going to pop you my "life story". I've been through this myself, with my husband. Also, I'll try to edit this chat tonight and post it at www.MidlifeRetreat.com asap for you to read. CAB - I'd strongly urge you to get the book, "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace, as soon as possible. Until you read this book, and really work on yourself and your relationship with Christ, you'll continue to feel "stuck". This book will help with give so much over to the Lord, and see what you need to do, and the person you need to be, to win your husband back.

7:13 LisaK [Administrator]:
For a list of media recommendations by Jim Conway, Midlife Dimensions, Lisa Kahan, and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit Amazon via our special link: http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20. Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.

6:53 cab: Jim: I am desperate. My marriage is 100% better except my husband won’t give up the girl he made friends with when things were bad for us. claims he is in love with me and I believe him. I ask him to give her up but won’t no matter what I say

6:56 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]:   cab: For now, it would be better to spend your energies on making the other woman look less interesting to your husband, by making yourself more interesting.

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