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April 25, 2011 / with Jim Conway

6:35 PM Chapman Jim - How often should I initiate conversation via phone, text, email or letter? I had been sending him short notes telling him about my day or funny cards and he told me they were just shallow and insignificant. (My H never used to say hurtful things like that!) That's when he told me he wanted to know my feelings. My H's work seems to be his powerful mistress instead of a real OW; Does that often happen? He just works all the time.

6:35 PM Jim Chapman - your husband is using hurtful remarks to try and put more space between you. I would suggest that you slow way down on the cards, and intensify praying for God to work in his life, and your life. Be brave - ask for miracles. He is a work-aholic as a way to escape life. I strongly urge you to understand your husband's needs and what he feels he is missing.

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April 25, 2011 / Monday Chat with a Surprise Guest (Jim) 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:01 PM

Chapman

All - Hi everyone

6:01 PM

round3

HI Chapman

6:01 PM

MAS

round3 Hi, how are you today?

6:01 PM

MAS

Hi everyone.

6:02 PM

Swan

Hello everyone, welcome to Monday Night Chat

6:02 PM

round3

MAS, doing okay... and you?

6:02 PM

wiffe

Hi all

6:02 PM

MAS

Hi Swan.

6:02 PM

round3

Hi Wiffe

6:02 PM

MAS

round3 I'm doing okay too.

6:02 PM

round3

Hi Lisak

6:02 PM

MAS

round3 How was your day today? Do you work?

6:03 PM

MAS

Hi Lisak and wiffe.

6:03 PM

round3

MAS, yes I work from home and in the office, my job is a Blessing, very flexible with my children, same boss for the past 7 years... :)

6:04 PM

MAS

round3 Oh, how fortunate you are to be able to work from home. That is a blessing for sure.

6:04 PM

round3

All, excited to see who our guest is tonight? :)

6:05 PM

lisak

Hi Everyone - sorry Bill can't be here tonight. Bill is with family for the evening to celebrate his father's 82nd birthday. He would like to make it up to you all by doing a special chat room on Thursday night, April 28 at 6 PM PST. Hope you can be there.

6:05 PM

wiffe

all packing the house up to get ready to sell is hard work. I hope I’m ready by Sunday

6:05 PM

MAS

Lisak We have a surprise guest tonight??

6:05 PM

lisak

MAS - yes, we have someone arriving to visit sometime this hour.

6:05 PM

round3

MAS, Do you work also?

6:06 PM

MAS

lisak Could it possibly be Jim??

6:06 PM

lisak

mas - Jim who? ;)

6:06 PM

dogwood

all good afternoon everyone

6:06 PM

MAS

round3 No, I don't

6:06 PM

Chapman

Lisak and Swan - I think it is interesting that my H's boss has no idea that he is not living at home right now. I’m assuming my H doesn't want him to know. Don't know if it is bc he is confused as to what he will do or if he just knows what he is doing is wrong so doesn't want boss to know.

6:07 PM

Swan

Chapman - My husband didn't announce our situation at work, mostly because given his position it might have been viewed by his superiors as him being a failure and unable to manage his home life, so how could he effectively manage a multimillion dollar project.

6:08 PM

MAS

lisak ;)

6:08 PM

round3

Frustrating to not know where my H's sadness and depression is coming from...says he is 'crushed inside' ....is this because he can’t be near XOW, because she is in Las Vegas, or ??? driving me NUTS! He is so sad, didn’t even go to Church in Easter...

6:08 PM

MAS

Hi canlaurse, I don't think we've met.

6:08 PM

Chapman

Swan - Thanks. Did they ever realize at work what he was doing?

6:08 PM

canlaurse

Hi MAS and everyone

6:09 PM

lisak

Chapman - It could be either way. My husband told his boss fairly quick, I think as a way of showing off to the other woman that he was "serious". But, I could see where many husbands wouldn't do it yet because they are confused, or can't handle the guilt - especially when everyone loves his wife and won't understand.

6:09 PM

round3

Hi plumcrazy :)

6:09 PM

round3

Hi canlaurse :)

6:09 PM

MAS

canlaurse How are you doing this evening?

6:09 PM

canlaurse

hi round3

6:09 PM

Chapman

lisak - Thanks

6:09 PM

Swan

canlaurse - eventually after he divorced me and married the other woman and she insisted on attending functions as his wife, it wasn't long after that he lost his top secret security clearance and sought a job with another company where no one ever knew me.

6:10 PM

round3

Swan, how long has he been married to OW?

6:10 PM

canlaurse

Mas - I am doing okay. And, you?

6:10 PM

plumcrazy

Hello ALL

6:10 PM

MAS

canlaurse I'm good, thanks.

6:11 PM

MAS

plumcrazy Hi plum.

6:11 PM

Swan

round3 - four years in June, but during this four years they have filed for divorce from each other three times, her twice, him once. They have withdrawn the filings, but I am guessing one of these times they will let it go through and end their marriage to each other.

6:12 PM

MAS

plumcrazy Did you see that we are having a surprise guest tonight?!

6:12 PM

plumcrazy

ALL I am so tired Had to work with 2 high impact special ed kids. MY kid ended up with in school suspension so had to supervise my student and the kid they it in fight with for whole afternoon

6:12 PM

round3

Swan, wow...that sounds like a really happy marriage.... I admire your strength! :)

6:13 PM

Swan

round3 - My strength is in God, without Him I would never make it or have the peace I have.

6:13 PM

dogwood

Swan was that the reason you moved away to another state? so you won't be in the same town with them?

6:14 PM

lisak

plumcrazy - oh wow! I don't know how you do what you do. I really admire you for the main job you do.

6:14 PM

Swan

dogwood - No, shortly after they married, they moved to northern California, so I wouldn't have seen them anyway, plus he is constantly traveling for work to Europe. I moved because this is where God called me to be.

6:14 PM

round3

Swan, YES....you are so right on!! :)

6:14 PM

plumcrazy

MAS Hoping it is Pam or maybe Jim

6:14 PM

plumcrazy

lisak When is special guest getting here?

6:15 PM

MAS

plumcrazy Yup! :)

6:15 PM

dogwood

Swan okay, understand now.

6:16 PM

Swan

dogwood - Once I allowed God to take control of my life, giving everything completely over to Him, I stopped worrying about what my husband is and isn't doing, where he is, who he is with, etc. I trust in God to fulfill His promise and simply live my life forward until the day my husband knocks on my door and says he is home.

6:17 PM

round3

All, I’m super excited to see who it is also....:)

6:17 PM

Chapman

dogwood - How are you doing tonight? I know these past days have been very rough for you understandably.

6:17 PM

plumcrazy

MAS Yup AM I right? or do you have inside info?

6:17 PM

MAS

Hello hepsy, how are you tonight?

6:17 PM

wiffe

all D7 is talking to H . he's trying to talk to her but she keeps IGNORING him. He keeps telling her he loves her but she keeps going Peppa pig.

6:17 PM

MAS

plumcrazy No, not really.

6:18 PM

Swan

All - It appears our surprise guest has arrived - Welcome Jim, glad to see you here with us. we all miss you!

6:18 PM

round3

Swan, WOW is that what I want inside so badly.....!!!

6:18 PM

MAS

All Aha! I was right! lol

6:18 PM

Jim

Hi there Everyone. Remember me?? I'm a friend out of your past. It's good to say hello to you all again. I want to let you know that Jan and I have sold our home in Hawaii and are moving back to Michigan.

6:19 PM

canlaurse

Swan after more than 4 years? That is really something. I don't think that most would be able to do that.

6:19 PM

Swan

canlaurse - With God all things are possible, including giving me peace, patience and contentment in my stand for my marriage. Others have reconciled after much longer.

6:20 PM

MAS

canlaurse It's been four years for me as well, and lot longer for some of us.

6:21 PM

dogwood

Jim So glad to see you here tonight

6:21 PM

MAS

Hi Jim, how have you been? How is Jan doing?

6:21 PM

koko

Jim hello great to see you here

6:21 PM

plumcrazy

Jim YAY!!!!! Great job finding Jan's jewelry. SO nice to have you here

6:21 PM

Chapman

Jim - hi Jim! Your books have been so helpful for me. Thank you! Just wondering.......my H moved out back in July. every now and then he asks me to let him know my feelings. How deep should I go? I so wish I had known what was going on back when my H began to feel the need to run. I would've handled things differently for sure. He was gone for 3 months before I began to understand MLC.

6:21 PM

dogwood

Chapman Thanks, I was home last night and did not use the anxiety pill. better this morning... hope this is a turning point for better

6:21 PM

hepsy

Jim - good to hear from you again!

6:21 PM

Jim

MAS - dogwood - koko - plumcrazy - chapman - hepsy- hi all, I’m glad to be here with you.

6:21 PM

Chapman

Jim - thanks. Glad you are here, too!

6:22 PM

Chapman

dogwood - that's great!

6:23 PM

round3

Jim, Hello. I just finished your Men in Midlife Crisis in ONE day! Amazing book, Thank you.

6:23 PM

round3

Jim, my now XH has bomb dropped 3 times with me, last return was Sept 2010, he stayed until Feb 2011 after proposing to me on Valentine’s Day...he has since returned to XOW.... he is spiraling downhill rapidly, not paying bills, crying, says he is crushed inside, etc, just doesn’t seem very happy. This site is such an encouragement, to speak to people who have actually been divorced, as I now am :( and are remarried again...which I thought I was on my way to being.....

6:23 PM

Jim

round3 - I'm glad you enjoyed reading "Men In Midlife Crisis". You might also be helped by reading the latest book, "Your Husband's Midlife Crisis". Also read, "When A Mate Wants Out".

6:23 PM

plumcrazy

MAS Stay here or we will put Velcro on your butt!

6:24 PM

canlaurse

plumcrazy - lol

6:25 PM

plumcrazy

canlaurse Believe me it would only take a TINY strip MAS is TINY!!!

6:26 PM

MAS

plumcrazy Ha! Ha! Hey...I gained 7 lbs!

6:27 PM

round3

Jim, I did read those, I bought those the 2nd time around....all very good books.

6:27 PM

canlaurse

all - it is very difficult to think or hope that a marriage can be restored after 4 or 5 or more years. I know that it has happened. Just so difficult to hold onto hope. Next month will be a year for me, and it seems like an eternity.

6:27 PM

MAS

dogwood Are you going to bible study tonight?

6:27 PM

wiffe

all he acts like I'm hiding where the girls are going. He's the one in class and didn't help me find a sitter. Didn't care if I had a sitter. (sorry frustrated just now)

6:27 PM

Bluesky

all, just popping in for a sec to ask for your prayers. I have been (what I feel is) deathly ill today. My fever still hasn't broken.

6:27 PM

plumcrazy

MAS did you have to go clothes shopping?

6:28 PM

Swan

Bluesky - Definitely in my prayers, please take care of yourself.

6:28 PM

dogwood

MAS no, we don't have one on Monday, only Tuesday, but having a break this week.

6:28 PM

Chapman

Bluesky = I'm sorry. Hope you feel better soon. You will be in my prayers

6:28 PM

canlaurse

bluesky - hope that you feel better.....be careful with a fever.

6:28 PM

plumcrazy

Bluesky Consider it done? How high is your fever? Please go to ER or Dr if you have too

6:29 PM

Bluesky

Swan thanks dear, it is very hard to take care of yourself this sick.

6:29 PM

MAS

Bluesky Oh dear. Sorry to hear you are ill. When did it start?

6:29 PM

Chapman

Jim - I guess I am wondering that when my H says he wants to know my feelings, does he REALLY want to know them? I just don't want to say too much and then it push him further away.

6:29 PM

Jim

Chapman - your husband does want to know your feelings, but remember that he is a man and men have limited capacities to understand women's feelings - so give him generalities and watch for indicators that he wants to know more.

6:29 PM

Bluesky

all thanks so much for the prayers.

6:29 PM

plumcrazy

Bluesky ? should have been !

6:29 PM

Chapman

Jim - Thank you

6:30 PM

MAS

plumcrazy Clothes shopping? No, just wearing the same clothes that were falling off me a few months ago.

6:30 PM

MAS

dogwood Nothing tomorrow?

6:31 PM

MAS

Bluesky Hope you feel better soon.

6:31 PM

Boscosdad

All: I think a man wants to know a woman's feelings. The problems arise when he tries to solve her problems, and she just wants to express herself.

6:31 PM

dogwood

MAS that is right. for this week. I may go to the gym

6:32 PM

dogwood

Jim My H initially plans to move out tentatively for 3 months to see what happens, but it seems that he may want to do a real separation sooner than that. H called last Sat. to ask if I have any plans about where to live after the split. He is determined to leave, not willing to reconcile. I could not really handle emotionally, could not answer him. He said if I just need a few months to get ready for the move, he would move back to the house to wait until I am ready. What is your advice? He almost want to push me to make a decision to leave; so he can plan on selling the house or buying each other out. should I take on his offer? he said that if he moves back, it does not mean reconciliation, but only to live in the same house until time to split.

6:32 PM

Jim

dogwood - my initial guess is that he is getting pressure from another woman to move out. I would encourage you to delay the process which will then give him time to get a more realistic picture of the situation. It will also, likely, cause the other woman to lose confidence in him. But remember that this is a very crucial time for you to be identifying the things that have irritated him in your relationship - and change those things, so that you look more interesting to him.

6:33 PM

plumcrazy

Boscosdad How are you? didn’t see you sneak in

6:33 PM

plumcrazy

Jim Hope your health is much better than the last time you were here. Hope you are taking better care of yourself and slowing down WEE bit

6:33 PM

Jim

plumcrazy - my health has improved immensely and some of it is related to some prayer therapy that I went through.

6:34 PM

dogwood

Jim thanks

6:35 PM

Chapman

Jim - How often should I initiate conversation via phone, text, email or letter? I had been sending him short notes telling him about my day or funny cards and he told me they were just shallow and insignificant. (My H never used to say hurtful things like that!) That's when he told me he wanted to know my feelings. My H's work seems to be his powerful mistress instead of a real OW; Does that often happen? He just works all the time.

6:35 PM

Jim

Chapman - your husband is using hurtful remarks to try and put more space between you. I would suggest that you slow way down on the cards, and intensify praying for God to work in his life, and your life. Be brave - ask for miracles. He is a work-aholic as a way to escape life. I strongly urge you to understand your husband's needs and what he feels he is missing.

6:36 PM

Boscosdad

Plum: I'm a sneaky guy...:-)

6:37 PM

Chapman

Jim - Thanks so much.

6:37 PM

plumcrazy

Boscosdad Like a NINJA!!!!

6:37 PM

plumcrazy

Jim care to share some about the prayer therapy here or if not can you email me about it. I am having lots of issues with my back out of the blue

6:37 PM

Jim

plumcrazy - my prayer therapy was related primarily to some of my childhood issues. I spent a little over an hour with a woman who is a theophostics prayer counselor.

6:38 PM

Boscosdad

Plum: Isn't that a Madonna song, "Like a Ninja?"

6:39 PM

round3

Jim, Do you agree that they use our first names as a way of depersonalizing... I mean within 5 days of proposing to me again, he is using my first name like I am a stranger, and he isn’t in love with me to move forward, where he promised my children even that day he would never leave Mommy again.. He overly uses it, in texts or whatever.

6:39 PM

Jim

round3 - your husband is likely dealing with depression and guilt. Both of these I would suggest have a spiritual basis and he needs to be healed by God.

6:41 PM

canlaurse

Jim - My h left and moved in with his elderly parents. He seldom sees our kids, communicates with me only via email and text - usually when he needs something. I respond kindly to his requests and otherwise leave him alone. I don't know how I can show him changes that I have made in myself - when we don't interact.

6:41 PM

Jim

canlaurse - most husbands who have moved out are still connected to a "friend’s hotline" who keep them informed about how you're changing. Perhaps we need to chat by phone for some more specifics. Let me ask you how you are doing in the three areas that midlife men complain about. 1. Midlife Men complain that their wives are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children). 2. Midlife Men complain that their wives are overweight, out of shape, and do not care about physical appearance. Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man's life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn't have to beg. 3. Midlife Men complain that their wives have not had a new thought since they got married. They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man. How are you doing in these three areas?

6:41 PM

plumcrazy

round3 At least your h USES your name. For the longest time I was called bad names or H said tell your MOM

6:43 PM

koko

Jim at church Sunday they had a group of people who have suffered from different things. They brought out posters to show us the problem and flipped it to show what God has done, one showed crumbled marriage, flipped over it said my husband found God marriage restored. I noticed my W crying at this time

6:43 PM

Jim

Koko - they did the same thing at the Easter Sunrise Service here on the big island of Hawaii. It was a powerful time that touched many people. I think your wife had a moment of hope and possibility. Keep praying that God will continue the process of giving her hope and faith to expect to a miracle in you both as well.

6:43 PM

plumcrazy

Jim I will have to check into that Only one hr or more visits? I have started counseling for myself About a month and a half

6:43 PM

Jim

plumcrazy - I'm glad that you are chatting with someone who can help you with this process.

6:45 PM

round3

Jim, yes he is very depressed and feels a lot of guilt, he even told me this, he was saved when he came home this past time, in his own doing and has since stopped coming to church, etc...ever since he left us again. :(

6:45 PM

Jim

round3 - I'm guessing that when he left this last time that he got entangled in experiences that caused him guilt the last time. His shame is what is keeping him from going to church or chatting with God.

6:46 PM

Chapman

Jim - I believe some of my H's MLC is due to feeling not much love from parents - always feeling like he had to earn it - thus, maybe why he always works so much. But it also came about due to lots of things, I am sure. He was the "perfect storm". He says he doesn't have time to go to counseling with me. He has isolated himself for the most part. He won't talk with longtime friends, etc. Do you think healing can still occur without him talking with anyone?

6:46 PM

Jim

chapman - he probably never will be able to heal himself, but if he starts a very deep connection with God, God can do this healing. There's a saying that says, "any counselor who has himself as a counselee is a fool".

6:47 PM

wiffe

all what do I say to the girls when they realize Daddy isn't coming to their program at church on wed. He said he would pick them up from the babysitter and fed them before church. I just don’t think he is coming. They are hurt by this.

6:50 PM

canlaurse

Jim - #1 was a big issue for my h and me. he felt and said that I was a nag. #2 - Actually I lost 30 pounds after he left (I needed to). I may not be as happy - but I look better than I have in years. #3 - I was the one with the career - more of the bread winner - which my H said, when he left, bothered him. I was never aware that this was an issue for him.

6:50 PM

Jim

canlaurse - I'm very proud of you for identifying some of the issues which bother men, in particular - your husband. Practice not controlling situations or people, whether it's your children, or people you meet in public. Because nagging is actually a control issue. Many people who are controllers also tend to be perfectionists, and are really upset with themselves, and try to control all of life. Many times these people have come from homes that were very unstable, such as an alcoholic or abusive home. Keep working on #1, #2 - I'm proud of you for losing that much! - Do you think your husband wants you to lose more? #3-often marriages have trouble when the wife earns more money than the husband. Make sure never to rub it in his face, and always to help your children and friends to know what a great provided your husband is.

6:50 PM

Swan

wiffe - Maybe I am confused by your comment, has he said he isn't coming to the program? I would think that if he has offered to pick them up, feed them and take them to the church, he will probably stick around for it. He might not sit with you, but that doesn't mean he isn't going to stay to watch his daughters. If the event hasn't happened yet and he hasn't said he will not stay, are you projecting your fears to them.

6:50 PM

Jo

Sorry to be so late, but I wanted to come on tonight to let you know that things are getting more serious here since I sent my last email to the ESG.

6:50 PM

wiffe

Swan No I will have to pick them up to take them to church.

6:52 PM

Swan

wiffe - could it be that he might plan to stay to watch them, but once they are done performing that he plans to leave or that in his mind it would be easier for you to take them home since you will be attending the program too.

6:52 PM

hepsy

hi still

6:52 PM

hepsy

still - how are things? did h get moved?

6:52 PM

plumcrazy

Jo What’s going on Everything ok?

6:52 PM

round3

Jim, I find what’s confusing is when I addressed the three main areas you said are to be looked at, I am in better physical shape than I was when he met me, he tells me even now how good I look EVERY time he sees me, it’s kind of weird...... I have a career and have taken up working out with a personal trainer, I have grown and changed each time he has left, I did this for me, not him and he said he noticed the changes.... I respected him unconditionally ( he even said, I don’t feel worthy of how you love and respect me unconditionally after all I have done to you.... I felt he was in OW withdrawal and I guess I was right since he is again talking to her and seeing her again....

6:52 PM

Jim

round3 - the other woman seems to be meeting some need in his life - perhaps fun and adventure - perhaps she needs him more - perhaps she listens to him? Remember that people are generally attracted to the whole package, appearance, conversation and communication, personal warmth, and spirituality.

6:52 PM

Still

Hepsy, Hi. Yes, he moved out on Friday.

6:52 PM

wiffe

Swan it is the carnival and awards program for Awana.

6:53 PM

dogwood

Jo Sorry to hear about that. Jim is here so you may ask his advice

6:53 PM

Chapman

Jim - But if I'm correct, I can't suggest the counseling. Or do you think it'd be ok to bring it up again as time goes on?

6:53 PM

Jim

chapman - be very prepared if the door opens up at anytime where he says, "I really feel miserable, maybe I need to get some help" - something like that..... be prepared with some concrete suggestions.

6:54 PM

hepsy

still - how are the kids doing? how are you?

6:54 PM

Jo

We are talking about all the things we think we should know about what has happened in the last 11 years. Things are going very well. My pastor is helping. and God is working.

6:54 PM

Jim

Jo - I'm not sure what you are saying, but is your husband reconnecting?

6:54 PM

plumcrazy

MAS getting out the VELCRO

6:55 PM

Swan

wiffe - just remember that they don't do "family" things very well during this time. Just be careful not to put him or his inability to be with you and the girls as a family to the girls, he is their dad and they love him. In fact you might let your husband know that you feel it would be best for the girls if he explain why he isn't able to stay for the event and leave it in his hands, if he says nothing, you simply tell the girls he wasn't able and they will need to ask him for the details.

6:55 PM

Still

hepsy I am doing pretty good. I am keeping very busy. My kids....well, they seem to be doing okay. My daughter cried the other night and said, "It feels like my world is falling apart." That is so sad and makes my heart ache.

6:55 PM

plumcrazy

Jo So this is a GOOD thing right?

6:55 PM

Chapman

Jim - You have been kind to answer my many questions tonight. Thank you! This has just been a difficult and confusing journey. I not only feel sad for me and for our children, but also for my H. I know he must be miserable.

6:56 PM

Jim

chapman - if you'd like to talk in more detail about some of these things, email Lisa at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to setup an appointment.

6:56 PM

Jo

All - Serious, as in talking about our 'future' together. Everything is wonderful. PTL

6:56 PM

Jim

To all: This is Lisa. Some of you may have not had enough personal time with Jim, or you have a very private question that you didn't want to discuss openly in the chat room. If you'd like to schedule a phone counseling session email us at Conway @midife.com

6:56 PM

Still

lalachrissie, Hi.

6:56 PM

Chapman

Jim - Thank you. I will plan to do that.

6:56 PM

lalachrissie

hi how are you to night Still?

6:56 PM

plumcrazy

Jo Major ptl!!!!!!!!

6:56 PM

hepsy

still - I am sorry for your d. My d said she felt like her senior year in high school was ruined due to my h's behavior.. Will h be still coming over for dinner or is he on his own now?

6:57 PM

canlaurse

Hi lalachrissie

6:57 PM

hepsy

hi lalachrissie - how are you tonight?

6:57 PM

Still

lalachrissie I am doing fine. How are you?

6:57 PM

lalachrissie

canlaurse hepsy hi. I'm good

6:57 PM

round3

Jim, this is where it’s confusing, she isn’t a Christian, yes they communicate well, but so do we and he even said so, that our communication was way better than before..... they were both jailed in Sept before he came home for domestic violence, she punched him in the eye and cut his forehead, she filed a restraining order, they spent the weekend in jail and he swore he would never go back to someone like that, so I don’t see her a some picture perfect OW....?? she also lives in Las Vegas, and he is now back in Ca. where our families are. She just bought a home there so I doubt she would move here... I think he is sad because he is now here when he was living there with her... it’s like he used me as some rebound.. :(

6:57 PM

Jim

round3 - she does seem like a needy person. Maybe your husband is trying to lead her to Jesus. I would encourage you to give your husband lots of affirmation about things that he does so much better than you. Let him know that you deeply admire and are sometimes amazed at his abilities on concerns and insights. Men really seek a lot of respect.

6:58 PM

Jo

plumcrazy - Thanks. It is butterflies in the stomach time, sometimes. Otherwise my heart is soaring. Pastor uses the word 'renewal.'

6:58 PM

dogwood

Jo I am so glad for you!!! PTL!!

6:58 PM

wiffe

Swan Did I tell you what D4 said to H and he tried to blame me?

6:58 PM

MAS

plumcrazy Thanks, Plum! Seems like I need it tonight!

6:59 PM

Swan

wiffe - that is common, they have enough guilt that they really cannot accept anymore, so they mentally find a way to twist things so that they can point and blame someone else, usually us.

6:59 PM

lalachrissie

Still I’m good. excited for my girls. h asked them to spend time with him this week.

6:59 PM

Still

hepsy We all went out to dinner the night he left. We talked to the kids about splitting up their time. He came for dinner the next night and then has been at his house.

6:59 PM

Still

Jo that is wonderful!

6:59 PM

plumcrazy

Jo How totally awesome!!!!

6:59 PM

lalachrissie

dogwood you ok today?

6:59 PM

Still

lalachrissie, that is great!

7:00 PM

canlaurse

Jim - The suggestions regarding nagging/controlling are very good. Thank you. I will work on those. Regarding the weight - no - I don't think he would have an issue with how I look today (if he actually saw me). Regarding the difference in our paychecks - that was something I NEVER threw in his face. I think it just really bothered him.

7:00 PM

Jim

canlaurse - your husband has probably heard through the grapevine that you are looking spectacular. Sometimes men who are insecure have a massive problem when their wife earns more money than they do. Your husband needs lots of affirmation. See my comment to "round3" at :57.

7:00 PM

canlaurse

lalachrissie - I think that is good

7:00 PM

dogwood

lalachrissie Thanks for asking, yes, today is the best day so far.

7:00 PM

hepsy

still - did he get all his stuff? I know you mentioned he was taking odd things.

7:00 PM

Swan

All - It was wonderful having Jim with us tonight, but it is getting near time to close. Please wrap up comments and questions.

7:01 PM

Still

hepsy Yes, he took all of his clothes, all of his books, his computer.....he seems to be all set up over there.

7:01 PM

MAS

lalachrissie Hi, how are you tonight?

7:01 PM

lalachrissie

Mas I’m good.

7:01 PM

Still

hepsy Honestly, the anticipation of this happening was worse than it actually happening. I know that must seem odd.

7:02 PM

lalachrissie

MAS how about you? sorry hit return too quickly

7:02 PM

Jim

ALL - it's been super great connecting with you all again tonight. I continue to pray for all of you, and Bill and Pam, that God will do amazing things in all of your lives, as well as in our lives. Jan and I leave Kona, Hawaii, on May 10, to go back to our home/office in Michigan. We are moving there in order to be closer to Jan's father who is 92 years old and in failing health. So as you think about it, pray for Jan and me, with our family responsibilities, as well as launching the new ministry, LateLifehope.com. God bless you all. Goodnight.

7:02 PM

canlaurse

thank you

7:02 PM

round3

Thank you!!!

7:02 PM

Chapman

Jim Thank you!

7:02 PM

Still

Jim, thank you. Good luck with your move.

7:02 PM

Jo

JIM - It’s good to see you. I guess you can see God is working here. I hope to be sharing more news soon.

7:02 PM

Jim

Jo - I look forward to hearing the good news through Lisa. Keep us posted.

7:03 PM

Jo

Good night all.

7:03 PM

plumcrazy

Jim take care of yourself and jan; we love you two!!

7:03 PM

dogwood

Jim thank you for joining us tonight. Have a safe trip back to the mainland

7:03 PM

Chapman

All - Good Night! Blessings to all

7:03 PM

hepsy

still - I see... Actually, I can sort of understand that...You probably have relief that you don't have to walk on eggshells and can have some sort of normalcy again.

7:03 PM

MAS

lalachrissie I'm pretty good, thanks.

7:03 PM

lisak

Hi All - I'm back in as me again. That was fun to have Jim here tonight.

7:04 PM

Still

hepsy, Yes, no more eggshells...though he just appears over here off and on....lets himself in. I think it is kind of funny. Apparently, he still sees this as "home".

7:04 PM

MAS

Jo That's such great news!

7:04 PM

wiffe

Still My H does the same thing. Yet says he feels uncomfortable here.

7:05 PM

lisak

I hope you all can join our regular chats with our great Facilitators this week, as well as the special chat room on Thursday night with Bill. We're glad that Bill got to spend the evening with his family celebrating his dad's 82nd birthday. It was very nice of Bill to offer to replace tonight with a special chat on Thursday this week.

7:05 PM

hepsy

still - how do you feel about that? Somehow I think that is not right. Sounds like he wants it both ways..

7:05 PM

lalachrissie

Still my h still has a key to my home and all his things are still here.

7:05 PM

Still

wiffe, I think they would be uncomfortable no matter where they are.

7:05 PM

plumcrazy

lisak What a nice surprise. Was wondering why they were leaving Hawaii

7:06 PM

lisak

plumcrazy - they planned from the beginning of their marriage to sell the Hawaii house, and it's been 5 + years of marriage now, so they are following through on plans. It all makes sense with Jan's dad needing their care.

7:05 PM

lalachrissie

Still definitely, I agree

7:05 PM

plumcrazy

lisak thanks for letting us know about THURS NITE

7:05 PM

wiffe

Still He looked uncomfortable yesterday at his aunt’s house also.

7:06 PM

Still

hepsy, I look at it as staying connected. It doesn't bother me at all. We have one of those homes where everyone family and friends always just walk in...no big deal.

7:06 PM

MAS

lisak Yes, that definitely was a nice surprise.

7:06 PM

lalachrissie

canlaurse how are you today?

7:06 PM

Still

wiffe, Yep, they think it is us....until everywhere with everyone produces the same results.

7:07 PM

round3

Hi Lisak, do you know the rates for 1.1 sessions with Jim?

7:07 PM

lisak

Yes - the rates are a donation to LateLife Hope ministry - $75 for the first 10 minutes, and $4.75 for each additional minute.

7:07 PM

hepsy

still - my neighbor's h left her - he had an apartment with an ow - yet continued to act like he could come and go like he lived there. She finally drew a boundary and told him he couldn't do that anymore.

7:08 PM

Still

hepsy If there was an OW, I would definitely look at things differently. Since there isn't, I don't want to burn any bridges.

7:08 PM

plumcrazy

lisa will Jan still teach there though?

7:08 PM

lisak

plumcrazy - I suppose they may go back if needed. But I think she's going to be able to continue to teach for YWAM in other states on the mainland, so that it's a little easier on them.

7:08 PM

hepsy

still - I can understand that...

7:09 PM

lisak

Mas - I had a very nice Easter, just relaxed at home with my family after church. How about you? (Sorry it took so long to answer).

7:09 PM

hepsy

still - well, time for bed for me. I will be praying for you...

7:09 PM

lalachrissie

hepsy goodnight

7:10 PM

Still

hepsy ...thank you and I will do the same. Goodnight all!

7:10 PM

hepsy

night lalachrissie - take care - and praying for you too!

7:11 PM

lisak

Mas - that sounds like a blessing. I'm happy to hear you had them stop by.

7:12 PM

MAS

lisak Thanks, Lisa. Me too.

7:12 PM

plumcrazy

goodnight all take care

7:12 PM

lisak

Bumblebee#2 - sorry we missed you tonight. I hope you can come back to the special Thursday night chat with Bill.

7:12 PM

plumcrazy

Please include my H AND D's physical and mental health in your prayers

7:13 PM

lisak

Plumcrazy - we sure will. Hang in there. Hang on to HIM!

7:13 PM

MAS

Goodnight everybody.

7:14 PM

bumblebee#2

lisak H birthday today... After everything is all done, he has left to go to her house. :(

7:15 PM

lisak

bumblebee#2 - oh bummer. Sorry you have to go through all this.

7:17 PM

bumblebee#2

lisak I will be there

7:18 PM

lisak

bumblebee#2 - great! Hang in there, you'll be stronger for going through all this.

7:18 PM

dogwood

all H's heart is very hardened now, he said that he has for many years wanted to leave, but just now brave enough to tell me and he insists to follow through his fantasy. Children are gone and he has finished his responsibilities wanting to satisfy his own pursuit and "does not want me in it."

7:19 PM

lisak

dogwood - I know it all seems impossible - but God really can work a miracle. It's just going to take time. I know you're hurting. Please keep busy in positive ways, doing positive things, for yourself and for others. Visit you sons this summer and take some time for yourself.

7:20 PM

Swan

Well everyone, chat will end soon, please remember to keep one another in prayer and wrap up your conversations. Join us again Wednesday evening and be sure to join us on Thursday for the special chat with Bill at 6pm PST.

7:23 PM

lisak

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this special time with Jim Conway here tonight. Please bless everyone that was here tonight, and all who read this chat in the future, that they would be able to not see those of is in the room, but actually see what you want them to learn from all of us that were here to ask questions tonight. Please speak to those reading this chat in the archives, and give them the answers they seek to get them through their situations. Thank Your Lord, for all that You've created and do for us. You truly are amazing, and we are so undeserving. Thank You for Jesus and that amazing gift He's given us, of forgiveness that we can through Him - be with You in Heaven. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

7:24 PM

dogwood

lisak thanks for special treat tonight. I am doing a lot better today, and please continue to pray for me.

7:24 PM

lisak

Goodnight everyone.

7:25 PM

Swan

Goodnight all, see you Wednesday

6:35 PM Chapman Jim - How often should I initiate conversation via phone, text, email or letter? I had been sending him short notes telling him about my day or funny cards and he told me they were just shallow and insignificant. (My H never used to say hurtful things like that!) That's when he told me he wanted to know my feelings. My H's work seems to be his powerful mistress instead of a real OW; Does that often happen? He just works all the time.

6:35 PM Jim Chapman - your husband is using hurtful remarks to try and put more space between you. I would suggest that you slow way down on the cards, and intensify praying for God to work in his life, and your life. Be brave - ask for miracles. He is a work-aholic as a way to escape life. I strongly urge you to understand your husband's needs and what he feels he is missing.

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