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December 27, 2010 / with Jim Conway

8:09 PM [surety] Jim to jump right in.... I have a question.... my h apologizes for small things, remember we only text each other no other contact. (small things like he fell asleep, or had to do something at work, etc) is that a good sign that

8:13 PM [jim] Surety at :09, Keep looking for the big changes, not focusing on just the small things.

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December 27, 2010 / Monday Chat with Jim 6-7 pm PST /CR#2

8:02 PM [jim] TO ALL: Hello everyone. This is a very momentous event tonight. This is the last regular Monday night chat room that I will be in. As of January 1, 2011, Bill and Pam Farrel take of the ministry of Midlife Dimensions. 30 Years ago we (Sally and I) launched Midlife Dimensions as a way to help midlife marriages that were falling apart. Sally and I wrote over a dozen books on the subject, we travelled all over the world ministering to people in midlife, did hundreds of radio and television programs, but now it is time to pass the baton onto people who are really in midlife. Bill and Pam Farrel are great people and I am completely at peace passing this over to them because I absolutely trust them. I hope you will also trust them and give them your full encouragement and support. From time to time I will be visiting the chat room, whenever Bill invites me

8:09 PM [surety] Jim to jump right in.... I have a question.... my h apologizes for small things, remember we only text each other no other contact. (small things like he fell asleep, or had to do something at work, etc) is that a good sign that

8:13 PM [jim] Surety at :09, Keep looking for the big changes, not focusing on just the small things.

8:10 PM [doveseyes] jim..I have giving it a lot of thought..I think you need to stay around until all our mates come out of mlc..then u can go do your new ministry...

8:10 PM [Bluesky] jim I love the new website name.

8:10 PM [doveseyes] faithful..I know..it kills me to watch my kids hurt..and my h not have a clue...wow..your h heart blockage..wow..that serious

8:14 PM [jim] Doveseyes at :10 - Thanks for your encouragement, Bill will be a big help to you.

8:10 PM [surety] Jim: I want to congratulate you on a tremendous ministry, and I am sure that the late lifers are in for an enormous treat.... God Bless you both,

8:11 PM [faithful] I am in agreement with doveseyes @10.

8:11 PM [hepsy] jim - I so appreciate you and this ministry. Thank you for this. I hope one day to meet you in person.

8:11 PM [surety] doveseyes (Jim) she does have a strong argument.... for us......

8:11 PM [faithful] Jim Yes I want to thank you because if it was not for this ministry I probably would have made a mess out of things.

8:12 PM [Pinkie17] I agree with surety @ :10

8:12 PM [doveseyes] jim..I am very discouraged and just feel like I am at the end. h continues to boldly have other women..only a text contact at Christmas...aughhh..

8:14 PM [jim] doveseyes @ :12, sorry for your continued pain, but remember that this is just a phase similar to the teenage years.

8:13 PM [Lil2Spunki] Hello Everyone!

8:13 PM [faithful] doveseyes @10 that is the reason s27 was crying he is afraid he will not see his father and I told him to make it right with his father so he has no regrets if something happens to him.

8:13 PM [hepsy] hi dogwood - how are you feeling tonight?

8:13 PM [surety] wow!!! welcome to everyone

8:13 PM [dogwood] hepsy-- okay tonight, thanks

8:14 PM [Pinkie17] Doveseyes @ :12 it is good that you at least got some kind of contact.

8:14 PM [faithful] Doveseyes h was in the UK last Christmas and we did not even know. Never a text or anything. This year he brought them all presents and brought them himself on Christmas. You never know. Is crazy.

8:14 PM [doveseyes] faithful..u r right...I read an account of a man with a sexual addiction..even on his death bed..didn't get things right..it was a very sobering account..I will pray for you/family and son

8:14 PM [surety] jim : even though this is positive..... he has changed 180 degrees from this time last year. he still flops, but I trust he is being convicted,

8:15 PM [jim] Surety at :14, keep allowing God to do the convicting. It's your job to focus only on your issues.

8:14 PM [doveseyes] jim..does bill have a mlc pill? a big bat? hit men?

8:16 PM [jim] doveseyes @ :14, Yes.

8:15 PM [surety] doveseyes Bill has the best hit man ever just like Jim...... GOD

8:15 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - H left for work in SD. Just prior I had another BD that he should have never returned home and is again speaking of divorce. I feel inclined not to pursue any contact while he is away just for my own sanction. H is a vanisher so would no contact be wise?

8:17 PM [jim] Lil2Spunki at :15, keep your stability by focusing on God, not your husband's changes.

8:15 PM [doveseyes] jim...r u sure? I see no glimpses of him coming out...aughhhhh..

8:18 PM [jim] dogwood at :15, you are months and months away from that time. Although you need to accept what is happening now as part of the process of your growth and lean on God as you continue to move forward in life.

8:15 PM [dogwood] Jim-- at what point should the abandoned spouse move to "acceptance" stage? and move on? Is it at the time when divorce is final? In other words, how long is the "restore your marriage is possible" last?

8:16 PM [Pinkie17] Hello wiffe

8:16 PM [plumcrazy] Pinkie are you new?

8:17 PM [plumcrazy] Hey ALL Was talking to family Today is D's 16th birthday

8:17 PM [wiffe] hey ALL

8:17 PM [dogwood] Jim-- How do we know for sure if H 's case is a phase? could it also be a permanent "choice" or decision? H made?

8:21 PM [jim] dogwood at :17. I've watched thousands of couples and this is generally a phase. Keep growing and trusting God.

8:17 PM [doveseyes] ok..jim...give us your best advice...like Jesus before he left his disciples..like Moses before he went up on the mountain...I am ready

8:24 PM jim: doveseyes at :17 (AND ALL) - here's my suggestions: understand your husband from his point of view and help him to become all that he can be. Remember that both of you are continuing to change and you must continue to meet each other's changing needs. Follow the pattern of Jesus who said, "I came into the world to serve, not to be served." Identify other people who are going through marriage trouble and share your story of pain, failure, growth, and success with them - etc. etc. etc.

8:17 PM [surety] drat....my computer just zapped me right out

8:17 PM [plumcrazy] Hey Wiffe---how is your H's wrist?

8:18 PM [Pinkie17] Hey Plum, it’s me FaithinGod, since I am not facilitating today, I am using my other name, LOL

8:18 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - you found me! thank you for the compliment. Same to you!!

8:18 PM [plumcrazy] Pinkie--I thought it was YOU!!!! the 17 kind of threw me though

8:19 PM [wiffe] plumcrazy It turns out to be more of his hand. It isn't wrapped. He goes to dr tomorrow.

8:19 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - do you know how many people I had to go through? I will need to update my pictures because I weigh a little less than that picture but I still think that H and I look good together.

8:20 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - sorry about that! lol I think you and h make a beautiful couple!

8:20 PM [Pinkie17] LOL Plum, I know, I had to register with the 17 after it because I couldn’t remember my password. I know pretty lame of me

8:20 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I don't have that many months in life to wait, and there are decisions need to be made depending on situations...

8:25 PM jim: dogwood at :20, don't be panicked by time, remember that God is working in the situation.

8:20 PM [faithful] plum how is it going with your daughter? I remember my sister went thru a horrible time with her daughter she will be 18 in Feb and seems to be calmer.

8:20 PM [jim] TO ALL: second big announcement. As of Jan. 1, 2011, Jan and I are launching a new ministry called "LateLife" and in early January our new website should be up which will be latelifehope.com. We are now moving our energies to the next oldest generation, people between 55 and 75. So we would be grateful for your prayer support as we try to make a difference in this late life generation - the boomers generation.

8:21 PM [wiffe] All I'll be back in a bit. H is here

8:21 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - Well let's just hope that it stays that way. I feel so inspired again to just take my life and roll with it. I had a really nice chat with you today!

8:21 PM [doveseyes] jim..u got it..and in 6 more years I can go to that ministry..yeaaaaaa, maybe by then my h will be dead or in that ministry too...

8:21 PM [dogwood] Jim-- thanks, I appreciate your assessment highly

8:22 PM [doveseyes] jim...how many couples do you believe that have been restored through your ministry through the years?

8:26 PM jim: doveseyes at :22, I have no way of counting that - but we continue to get emails and letters from people all around the world.

8:23 PM [swan] Hello all - Sorry, just walked in the door, my trip back home took about an hour longer than normal.

8:23 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - I enjoyed it as well. It is important for us all to encourage one another and lift each other up in prayer. This is a tough journey, and the enemy wants us weary and hopeless. I hope you get some rest tonight!

8:23 PM [Pinkie17] Hey swan

8:24 PM [surety] swan : did ya drive by my house and toss the anointing oil?

8:24 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - I think that I will take a sleep aid. I feel so much better because I let all the toxic feelings out. H has not called tonight and I doubt he will. It is ok because I don't really care if he does or not.

8:24 PM [surety] Jim: does anyone even our h see how content and love through text messages? is there even a good way to present that ?

8:27 PM jim: surety at :24, I'm not sure what you mean, please rephrase your question. Thanks.

8:25 PM [doveseyes] jim..good advice. .so..I feel like I have asked this a 1000 times..I wait for contact from h..right? h has no contact with kids or me..

8:28 PM jim: doveseyes at :25, yes - you wait for a contact from him, but you look for natural opportunities to share with him, such as fun things that are happening with the children.

8:25 PM [faithful] Jim I have been trying not to read into anything h does or says. He brought presents for the kids on Christmas but I had to walk out because I became overwhelm. Tonight when he drop the kids it was nice because I was able to joke with him some and he even laughed. How do I know if he really wants to reconnect or just be friends. We do not talk about relationship at all.

8:29 PM jim: faithful at :25, all of this seems like a good sign. But give it time to grow, and your answer will come over the next several months.

8:25 PM [dogwood] Jim-- thanks

8:25 PM [swan] surety - Didn't have the address, but I did say a little prayer for you and your husband while I was up in that neighborhood.

8:26 PM [surety] swan : thank you so much.... did you have a good visit and a good drive

8:26 PM [faithful] doveseyes @25 that is what I did, I had no contact with h for over 8 months and suddenly he is back in the kid’s life and more like himself. Not that angry hateful person who left.

8:26 PM [doveseyes] faithful..wow, that's encouraging

8:26 PM [plumcrazy] All ----Sorry distracted kids are being very silly

8:27 PM [doveseyes] jim..Jan’s book is really impacting me..it is putting a desire in my heart to go to missions...once you go through loss..it seems to put you at more of a place of abandonment with Christ..

8:30 PM jim: doveseyes at :27, Jan will be glad to hear your word - why don't you contact her on Facebook?

8:27 PM [faithful] doveseyes even now I have his cell number and I will not call or text him I just use email for communication.

8:28 PM [dogwood] Jim-- what is your practical advice on how to handle it or what to or not to say or to do to H on the day when H moves out?

8:30 PM jim: dogwood at :28, God will give you the words if and when your husband decides to move out.

8:28 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - Probably a wise idea. Sleep is so important! Do you work many hours?

8:28 PM [surety] jim : well let’s see.... can we met their needs only through texting when there is no contact otherwise. Its seems so, but it’s very strange...... just being cut off completely is strange.

8:32 PM jim: surety at :28, texting is one of the early stages of reconnecting which provides both people safety and not an over commitment to each other. So view it as a stepping stone.

8:28 PM [doveseyes] faithful..interesting..

8:28 PM [plumcrazy] Doveseyes---You should really talk to Yoli then she has been on two missions

8:29 PM [doveseyes] jim..so..at this point I don't tell him anything about kids...do you suggest I start emailing things about kids...they don't want him to know stuff..aughhh

8:33 PM jim: doveseyes @ :29, before you send something to your husband, ask the kids for permission, and encourage the kids to read chapter 26 in "Men In Midlife Crisis" (about what children can do to help their dad.)

8:29 PM [plumcrazy] Hey MarySarah

8:29 PM [swan] surety - it was a very nice visit, spent three days with sister, brother, etc. then last night and this morning with oldest sister in law.

8:29 PM [Pinkie17] Hey MarySarah

8:29 PM [hepsy] jim - although you are turning over reigns to the Farrel’s, will you still be at retreats?

8:34 PM jim: hepsy at :29, I'm going to be following Bill's direction and not look over his shoulder, but I will be open to accepting invitations that he may offer.

8:29 PM [surety] swan : I am glad to hear that....

8:30 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - I work 2-3 days a week at my Office job, all the time being mom and then any off hours with my real estate business. I will get some good sleep tonight though. I feel God's presence with me and I know that he is taking care of me tonight.

8:30 PM [faithful] Jim is just seems to be such a slow process but I am learning to wait on God.

8:35 PM jim: faithful at :30, yes it's a slow process as with most growing sequences.

8:30 PM [plumcrazy] JIM---So THIS chat tonight is the last Mon night you will be here with us?

8:35 PM jim: plumcrazy at :30, Yes, it is.

8:30 PM [surety] Jim: what big things are there to look for that you referred to earlier. when I asked about why he seems to be constantly apologizing.... saying he's sorry for this or that

8:36 PM jim: surety at :30, he does feel sorry to some of the things he has done and he will likely move through this apologizing stage as he believes that both you and God can forgive.

8:30 PM [doveseyes] jim..I think I will...I don't have a facebook..but thought of getting one for that reason

8:35 PM jim: doveseyes at :30, Jan is a big Facebook person.

8:32 PM [plumcrazy] Hello CINDY---we we get to see more pics of the twins soon?

8:32 PM [Pinkie17] Hey Cindy

8:32 PM [doveseyes] jim..since this is your last official chat...what is the main reason..in your opinion..a person doesn't come out of mlc?

8:38 PM jim: doveseyes at :32, very few people stay stuck in midlife crisis, however they may not make the choices that we want them to make as they come out of midlife crisis.

8:32 PM [faithful] doveseyes all I did when I had no contact with h was to send him pictures thru email. There was many times he did not respond and I did not know if he was getting them or not. I just send pictures of special events. My d13 did not like it but I did anyway. Sometimes he will just reply thanks for the pictures.

8:32 PM [surety] jim : good thought and thank you!

8:33 PM [hepsy] jim - I second that question @32

8:33 PM [doveseyes] faithful..ok...we all dread any contact with h...his contacts are weird...

8:34 PM [mariposa] Jim: Do men with problems with sexual addiction have a harder time overcoming MLC?

8:40 PM jim: mariposa at :34, many men by midlife crisis time have some sort of addictive issues that they need to deal with. But sexual addiction is generally more painful because it is more painful to the wife since it is a direct threat to the marriage, than gambling or alcohol is.

8:34 PM [doveseyes] jim..ok..have discusses some suggestions from book..but honestly they are soooo hurt from his rejection over the past year..they don't want any contact with him

8:34 PM [dogwood] jim-- He told me that he is moving out in January. I am planning to suggest him consider Not to. but I am trying to rehearse myself and to protect my heart

8:34 PM [surety] faithful & doveseyes: that is one thing that I have always been encouraged to do. If the contact is something that was always done, and neither of you have been asked to not contact them in anyway... Follow your heart. and know that God may be providing a way to be in touch. But give them the space they ask for when they do.....it’s a fine line.

8:35 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - sounds like you have a lot of responsibility - even more so since h is not taking care of his share.

8:35 PM [MarySarah] Jim, I am trying hard after almost 3 yrs H being gone & it seems 3-5 years of actual MLC to see anything positive. My question is this.......... .......My H recently got back into making his own primitive bows & now kayak paddles (kayaking is his new hobby with OW) is this a sort of going back to normal in any way?................ For a while he got away from pickups & his hunting & more into hanging with younger people, partying, etc. More new 7 expensive "things". My H has always gotten into one hobby after another, sports a bit too, insist on mastering it, then "moving on" sort of like he does with friends & relationships. The men he gets to know (usually through others, are often older with some new & different skill that H learns from, but he never truly connects for long with these men either, certainly not permanently.

8:35 PM [swan] Bluesky - just opening my mail - thank you and I will use it daily as I do my devotionals.

8:36 PM [cindy] Hi plumcrazy and pinkie and everyone.

8:36 PM [surety] good evening Cindy how are you

8:36 PM [faithful] doveseyes my d13 also wanted nothing to do with her father and I have been trying to explain to her a little bit even though she has rejected. Well Christmas day when h gave her the present she gave him a big hug and I think the barrier is being torn. She says he is more like her dad. Tonight she told him she love him. She still has some hurt but I see God healing her. PTL

8:37 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - Yes, there is much responsibility around her for everyone and everything but I do have great kids and they are all so very loving through all of this. We will just have to learn to lift each other up in prayer and in spirit.

8:37 PM [doveseyes] jim..again, I am so blessed and honored to have meet you and Jan...wow..the fragrance of Christ and your realism has greatly impacted me..I want to be like you and Jan..I also want to have the healthy marriage you have..that is my goal..nothing short..

8:41 PM jim: doveseyes at :37, thanks for your affirmation.

8:37 PM [plumcrazy] Jim---Things have been better for the most part with H. The day before Christmas and after not so nice. But Christmas was nice, No nasty comments from H . In fact he told me the dinner was very good

8:42 PM jim: plumcrazy at :37, any of these little positive events that you had are part of the recovery process.

8:37 PM [dogwood] Jim-- are you still available for counseling?

8:42 PM jim: dogwood @ :;37, we're not sure about counseling - please keep checking the new website.

8:38 PM [surety] jim : again thank you.... this helps to understand and give a place to ponder this stage in the process and be able to find words that are true and honest. not forced or without any merit.

8:38 PM [Lil2Spunki] All - I have to head out. Goodnight!

8:38 PM [doveseyes] jim at 37..ohhhh..knowing my h..it will be an absolute miracle..he has always been a headstrong, stubborn man

8:39 PM [surety] doveseyes

8:39 PM [plumcrazy] JIM When H gets upset with me now it only lasts for a day or two Not 2 weeks like before

8:43 PM jim: plumcrazy at :39, that's great news.

8:39 PM [faithful] surety that is so true is such a fine line when you want to give them their space. That is one of the reason I do not call him on his cell because he told me in so many words not to call him so I do not use his cell phone. As a matter of fact I do not even save the number for that reason so I will not be tempted.

8:40 PM [swan] jim - I spent Christmas with my sister/brother and family this year. It was a little bittersweet with my mother's recent passing, however, it was also healing for all of us. It was a little eerie too, my mother had done some shopping in advance and things arrived the week before Christmas she had bought for a couple of the family members. But all in all, it was a bonding for us and I know it is God's hand on giving my family back or should I say me back to my family.

8:43 PM jim: swan at :40, I'm so glad for you. You are a special woman and you deserve special things in your life.

8:40 PM [wiffe] all back

8:41 PM [surety] : so has mine, but to watch him change and become soft, understanding and want to be different for himself so we can have a different life and marriage because we want to not because we have too. that is the 180degree change in him that I am talking about. he was/and is still sometimes headstrong and stubborn, but for him to see that in himself is huge. just keep praying that Gods protection and the Holy Spirits conviction on your h.

8:41 PM [doveseyes] I HATE sexual addiction...u feel really weird...because most people don't understand..

8:41 PM [wiffe] All- H came over to have cake and ice cream for D4's bday. Then we went and saw the lights. However when he went to leave I tried to give him a kiss and nothing.    IT hurts.

8:41 PM [hepsy] jim @37 - do you mean that they come through midlife crisis but still leave the marriage? I am 3 years into this and h shows no improvement although still home.

8:45 PM jim: hepsy at :41, some men have come through midlife crisis and divorced their wives, and then after a few years they remarried their wife. So it's not choices that we would like them to make, but it is a learning and growing process.

8:42 PM [doveseyes] jim..u are more than welcome

8:42 PM [surety] faithful ; my h never told me not too, he just doesn’t answer. He did tell me we could talk on the phone, and email..... but it’s still few and far between.

8:42 PM [plumcrazy] JIM -----Christmas eve I was pondering if I should give H a present because in the past 2 yrs he has insulted them. Cricket convinced me to get something. I ended up getting him Danish butter cookies, a small stuffed Snoopy. Things I know he likes. Also I got him socks cause he tells us if we want to get him presents get socks or underwear, Wanted him to know I was listening to him

8:46 PM jim: plumcrazy at :42, good job.

8:42 PM [MarySarah] Facilitators or Jim ........kid question.....my H alienates youngest a lot more since she voiced anger about ow with a choice word. H forced her to apologize.....now MIL came up with SIL to see H for Christmas now that H has left & SIL getting 2nd divorce....seems they all cling together more during times they all leave their spouses........ So H asked kids to go to hotel overnight with pool to take their grandma to airport, dtr asked if it was just H & 2 kids....BUT OW insists on going too, dtr said no thanks & H told her oh well, you've been missing out on lots fun, so I guess you'll keep missing out....please...why can't these ow let the kids ever be alone with their dads????? Plus OW has her son practically follow my H & son around everywhere, esp. when she isn't around....the kid swears under his breath, rolls his eyes & huffs if I am anywhere near my H or our kids....it's like the kids thinks my family is his too(teenager) IS this all par for course too?

8:43 PM [faithful] surety @42 is so painful because is rejection again. H still at times does not answer my emails even when it relates to the kids. It makes me so angry but I have to give it to the Lord.

8:43 PM [hepsy] sorry wiffe - I try to give my h kiss goodnight - usually he turns his head so I can kiss his cheek - no lips!

8:43 PM [doveseyes] faithful..that's probably the biggest reason we don't contact him..rejection...h is busy

8:44 PM [mariposa] doveseyes: @41 Amen to that. I do understand, though.

8:46 PM [wiffe] All this is so hard. I'm sorry but I just want it fixed. I don’t know what to do anymore. (well I do know how to actually do it I guess)

8:46 PM [surety] faithful : I know it hurts.... but try to find a way to not have expectations..... accept what he can give and understand when he can’t.... yes it is rejection.... Ask God to Give you peace.... as you deal with this stage and Ask that he take away the rejection and sorrow you both feel.

8:46 PM [faithful] doveseyes @43 I know what you mean but I only did what God told me to do. It has to be led by the spirit. Believe I did not want to I am just trying to be obedient to what God tells me. Yes it does hurt when he does not answer.

8:46 PM [doveseyes] jim..thanks again for the awesome retreat and being available to us on Mondays..you will never know what your ministry has brought to me..I could never had made it this far...when your rewards are handed out in heaven I hope I am not standing behind you..it will take forever..ha ha..

8:48 PM jim: doveseyes at :46, we all are so grateful for your encouragement and your leadership. - Keep following God's call on your life.

8:46 PM [dogwood] jim-- I thought you are still accepting request for phone counseling...

8:46 PM jim: ALL: I would be very grateful if you all would go on through Amazon and write a positive comment on our book, "Your Husband's Midlife Crisis" - your comments will help the book become more noticeable for people that are in need of it.

8:46 PM [swan] jim - don't know if I told you but during the time my mother was in her last days, we made peace, she actually asked for my forgiveness and said she couldn't explain why she blamed me for ruining her life, her marriage woes, etc. I can honestly say I have no regrets, no "if only I had", and I know this was all a beautiful gift from God.

8:49 PM jim: swan at :46, we are all glad for the great gift that God gave you during that time.

8:46 PM [surety] doveseyes: at 41 I replied to your question so to speak, but I forgot to add your name.

8:47 PM [MarySarah] Jim 9:46 Sure can do

8:47 PM [faithful] surety @45 that is what I am learning not to have any expectations and just go on with my life and show him Christ love the best way I can.

8:48 PM [doveseyes] faithful...good advice...

8:48 PM [swan] jim - my copy hasn't arrived yet, I can give comment on the older version or would you prefer I wait (it will only take me a couple days to read it and it is supposed to be here in the next couple days).

8:49 PM jim: swan at :48, thanks for waiting for your copy to arrive. I appreciate your insights.

8:49 PM [doveseyes] jim..aughhhh...I will...I will try...I do want to be like you and Jan when I grow up

8:50 PM jim: doveseyes at :49, remember that we are all in the process of growing up. 1 day at a time.

8:49 PM [surety] faithful : even though @ 47 that is hard it is necessary to find out own peace and contentment. I think that will help them too

8:49 PM [doveseyes] surety..thanks

8:49 PM [faithful] jim I gave a copy to my sister as I think her h is starting to show signs of MLC. She is using your advice and trying to save the marriage. She was ready to call it quits. PTL she decided to stick with the marriage.

8:51 PM jim: faithful at :49, if you don't mind, go to Amazon and tell the story about how the book is helping a friend of yours.

8:49 PM [mariposa] Jim and all: My H tried to make up for his bad behavior by going overboard on presents with me this Christmas. All I want is his faithfulness. But I know that I am blessed that he was thinking of me. He even spent the night at our house the night we opened presents with the kids. He went overboard on the kids, gifts too. But after Christmas I had the plague again.

8:52 PM jim: mariposa at :49, I'm sorry he treats you as having the plague - but I'm glad he has not disappeared from contact with you and the kids.

8:49 PM [Pinkie17] Jim @ :46, I will definitely do that.

8:50 PM [surety] doveseyes you are welcome.

8:50 PM [doveseyes] jim...I can do that..I think...

8:51 PM [dogwood] Jim-- Is there a risk that the departing spouse see that the abandoned one is coping well. This reinforces their (H) decision to leave and feel less guilty, and believes their leaving is the best thing for both of them?

8:53 PM jim: dogwood at :51, sometimes husbands feel as though they are doing their wives a favor by leaving them - they think they are taking the pain away from the wife, but they fail to see that it actually makes it worse.

8:51 PM [faithful] mariposa @49 my h brought kids presents and nothing for me. It was so painful. All he did was put his hand on my shoulder and wish me Merry Christmas. Well I lost it, I had to go to my bedroom

8:51 PM [hepsy] mariposa - my h gave me another writing pen for Christmas! I should be grateful, but it was obvious that it held no special meaning. He gave my d a charm for her bracelet. Fortunately, this year, I wasn't crushed, unlike last year.

8:51 PM [doveseyes] mariposa...that sounds like my last Christmas..but h didn't go overboard with my gifts..I received nothing..however this Christmas..nothing..I hate you experienced that

8:51 PM [faithful] jim I will do that.

8:52 PM [doveseyes] faithful..I am sooo sorry..u are so sweet...

8:52 PM [wiffe] faithful I wonder that also

8:52 PM [hepsy] I am sorry faithful... I am sure you were hurt. When my h gave my daughter a beautiful heart charm last year and I got that writing pen, I cried... It was awful.

8:53 PM [wiffe] that was supposed to be dogwood

8:53 PM [plumcrazy] Faithful---I would have been happy with just a MERRY CHRISTMAS

8:53 PM [mariposa] faithful/hepsy/doveseyes: I'm so sorry that you received nothing. I know that I should feel blessed that he did buy me a lot of things....but that is just it....they are just things... I want him.

8:54 PM [faithful] all but you know all I did was get on my knees and pray to God. I was reminded that my h showing up was an answer to my prayer. I was praying to God all day that he would show up for the kids sakes. We are never happy are we.

8:55 PM [doveseyes] mariposa..I understand..isn't it a trip...I have been told the hardest time in this process is restoration..you become more vulnerable than ever...don't u find you do the best you can do?

8:55 PM [surety] jim @ 51 is that the same when there become no contact.... the same thing, they think they are keeping us at bay to not have to experience the hurt and pain in our eyes and know they caused it. Which just causes them more stress and guilt?

8:57 PM jim: surety at :55, most men are not sensitive enough to realize the pain they are causing.

8:55 PM [dogwood] Jim-- so, is it okay to let them know that choice causes a worse emotional damage to the wife

8:58 PM jim: dogwood at :55, probably telling them that they are going to cause you more pain is not going to be helpful.

8:55 PM [plumcrazy] Faithful---I know what you mean I was grateful for a wonderful day where there was no arguing and we all got along and enjoyed each other. Christmas Eve wasn’t so nice

8:55 PM [hepsy] jim - my h usually comes home past the dinner hour - I eat alone - I always have a meal ready. I usually sit with him while he eats. Do you think that is a good thing or not? Sitting while he eats, I mean.

8:58 PM jim: hepsy at :55, is there any problem with you waiting and eating with him a little later?

8:56 PM [hepsy] bluesky - you doing ok?

8:57 PM [mariposa] doveseyes: I try every day to do my best at keeping my chin up but the holidays were so hard. This was my first time for him not to be living at home....hopefully the last but I'm not holding my breath.

8:57 PM [Bluesky] hepsy yep I am. Just watching a movie with my d while reading along.

8:57 PM [hepsy] bluesky - multitasking, huh?

8:58 PM [doveseyes] mariposa..I know..same for me..but we had only a text contact...it was so sad

8:58 PM [Bluesky] hepsy hahaha, I can't believe your h gave you another pen. Does he want you to write a novel?

8:58 PM [faithful] jim It was pleasure and honor to meet you at the retreat. Thanks for all you do to advance the Kingdom of God. May God richly bless you on your new adventure.

8:59 PM jim: faithful at :58, thank you for your encouragement and you keep walking with God.

8:58 PM [dogwood] jim at :57-- thanks for the statement about their lack of sensitivity

8:58 PM [faithful] all I have to go and put my kidos to bed. Good night and God bless.

8:58 PM [wiffe] all Do I go to his Aunt’s house for New Years. I'm not sure if he will be there now that he is off.

8:58 PM [plumcrazy] JIM- It is funny you say that about men. My H says he is sorry he has hurt me and it bothers him. But he doesn’t know why it bothers him. Told me that a yr ago

8:59 PM [mariposa] doveseyes: Did he wish you Merry Christmas in the text?

8:59 PM [hepsy] bluesky - who knows? My kids were like " is he serious? does he not remember that he gave you one last year?"

8:59 PM [plumcrazy] Goodnight Faithful ___Take care

8:59 PM [doveseyes] good bye jim...good luck jim..be careful..don't talk to strangers...call us if you need us...(trying to think of things people say when saying goodbye) ha ha

8:59 PM [surety] Faithful.....Have a great week end .....it’s a new year coming

8:59 PM [dogwood] Jim @58-- thank you for your response; it is helpful to know what NOT to do

9:00 PM [doveseyes] mariposa..yes..mine merry Christmas..the kids..merry c and I love u

9:00 PM [hepsy] jim - I have done that on occasion. However, I find that he acts like I am intruding - especially if I ask questions to start conversation. And he is usually intoxicated. I just didn't know if I sitting there sent the message that I was being needy or supportive.

9:00 PM [mariposa] doveseyes: gee, that hurts.

9:00 PM jim: TO ALL: So for the last regular Monday night chat with you all, I'm signing off and wishing you God's very best blessings. Jan and I will continue to pray that all of your marriages will be healed in God's perfect time. And that you will continue to be helpers to people who are going through difficult marriages. Jan and I love you all and I'm sure will be in touch somewhere down the line, or in Heaven. Warmly in Christ, Jim and Jan Conway.

9:01 PM [doveseyes] good bye..love you all too..thanks

9:01 PM [dogwood] Jim-- thanks and we love Jan and you!

9:02 PM [plumcrazy] JIM we are ALL going to miss you and Jan. Don’t be strangers. LOVE you and Jan. I wish you success with the new website

9:02 PM [doveseyes] mariposa..I know..but not surprised...my hurt is so numb...after watching h date woman after woman..nice trips after nice trips..aughh what a random text without I love u..u know what I mean?

9:02 PM [wiffe] All- H just posted on my post on FB about our D's birthday that she was the best birthday present he ever got.

9:02 PM [wiffe] I know God is working but this is hard. I don't know what I'm to do.

9:02 PM [dogwood] doveseyes-- are you still legally married?

9:03 PM [lisak] ALL: I'm back in as me for my last time with Jim. He has hung up with me, and I sit here with tears knowing this is the end of a special time for me to continue learning from him. I will miss this time of typing his answers to all of you.

9:03 PM [plumcrazy] LISA-----Will JIM read my comments that came after he left?

9:03 PM [hepsy] lisak - will you still be working for Jim on the new site?

9:04 PM [Pinkie17] Lisa, I know, I will miss the two of you together too.

9:04 PM [plumcrazy] LISA -----Will Bill do Mon. night chats?

9:04 PM [surety] lisak : I bet this is very hard.... to see things change....you have a great part in the whole ministry...... you are a blessing to them and each of us!!!!! :o)

9:04 PM [doveseyes] ohh..lisa..I can't imagine..I am crying too..I am so sorry

9:04 PM [hepsy] lisak - or will you be you be working for Bill?

9:04 PM [lisak] plumcrazy at :03 - he'll probably browse through it, so I imagine so.

9:04 PM [Pinkie17] I totally agree with surety @ :03

9:05 PM [dogwood] lisak-- I sent you an email requesting counseling with Jim, but do you know if he still do phone counseling?

9:05 PM [doveseyes] lisa..will jim respond to our emails

9:05 PM [surety] Swan: my friend and you too!!!! a part of this ministry too!!

9:06 PM [lisak] hepsy at :03, yes - I will continue with Jim and Jan in their new adventure with "LateLife" ministry. I will also continue on with Midlife Dimensions, working for Bill and Pam Farrel. I will do everything as long as the Lord allows it and blesses me with the honor.

9:06 PM [surety] wiffe : regarding the facebook comment....if you would normally answer ... just simply thank him

9:06 PM [surety] wiffe : regarding the facebook comment....if you would normally answer ... just simply thank him

9:06 PM [lisak] plumcrazy at :03, I'm guessing that Bill will continue with Mondays as Jim did. If anything, he'll continue a once a week chat, but may just need to change the night of the week.

9:06 PM [wiffe] surety I don't know what I would say

9:07 PM [doveseyes] dogwood..at 02 yes

9:07 PM [wiffe] All I did get H a box of dots and a card tonight.

9:07 PM [lisak] surety at :04, thank you.

9:07 PM [wiffe] all - also can't get my satellite working in my room. It works on the other 2 TV's just not mine. I didn't do anything

9:07 PM [surety] lisak you are welcome.... did you get my card?

9:07 PM [mariposa] wiffe: How long has your H been out of the home?

9:07 PM [lisak] dogwood at :05, oh - I didn't see it come through yet. I'll see if I can get you in this week sometime.

9:08 PM [dogwood] doveseyes-- Does he stay in the house? In other words, how do you know about his lifestyle if he is no longer living in the house?

9:08 PM [lisak] doveseyes at :05, as time allows, Jim/Jan, swan, or I will continue to answer email.

9:08 PM [mariposa] lisak: Will Jim do phone counseling after the New Year?

9:08 PM [doveseyes] dogwood..and informant

9:08 PM [wiffe] mariposa since May

9:08 PM [wiffe] mariposa My friend thinks he will keep this up until his lease is up.

9:09 PM [mariposa] wiffe: when is that?

9:09 PM [mariposa] wiffe: when is that?

9:09 PM [lisak] surety at :07, I haven't been to the post office for a week or so. It's probably there waiting for me. I hope to get to the post office tomorrow. Thanks in advance. :o)

9:09 PM [wiffe] mariposa However I see him Mon-Fri. and talk on the phone every day at least a few words.

9:09 PM [dogwood] lisak-- I sent out a few days ago. please let me know if it can be set up. thanks, I will try to send you another msg

9:09 PM [wiffe] mariposa It isn't up until May.

9:09 PM [surety] lisak Sure..

9:09 PM [lisak] mariposa at :08, we're not really sure on how it will work, but I'm thinking he will.

9:09 PM [mariposa] wiffe: My H left in July and he did not have to sign a lease so he could technically come back whenever he wants....he just doesn't want to.

9:10 PM [wiffe] mariposa NO I'm sure he has at least a year lease. When we lived in that apt we had to sign a year and then could do month to month after that

9:10 PM [surety] Good night everyone..... If I do not talk to you before Saturday......Happy New Year... May God bless each of you, your walk, and may He be in the midst of every part of your marriage and your restoration.. God Is Awesome.!!!!

9:10 PM [lisak] swan - I was glad to read earlier in the chat that you had a good visit and that you're home safe and sound.

9:10 PM [plumcrazy] Happy New year Surety---take care

9:11 PM [mariposa] wiffe: I was talking about my H. He rented the apt. from a friend so he didn't have to sign a lease.

9:12 PM [doveseyes] mariposa..mine doesn't want to either..and why should he? h is having a ball...I thought..wonder if I can switch with him and have my own mlc...

9:12 PM [wiffe] doveseyes have you ever wonder what your H would do if it was you going through this?

9:13 PM [mariposa] doveseyes: ha-ha....but I would never want to be in his situation...

9:13 PM [doveseyes] wiffe..yes, I have wondered that...I don't know.....

9:13 PM [wiffe] I just hope H realizes what he has in me soon.

9:14 PM [doveseyes] mariposa..no...the hurt in the kids..wow..what a sad legacy h is leaving behind...

9:14 PM [wiffe] all- it drives me nuts when H gets upset with D4 when she throws a fit or something. I just want to say she is just acting out because you are not here.

9:15 PM [mariposa] doveseyes: Do you sit back and wonder sometimes if this is really your life?? I sometimes find myself thinking I'm just in a dream...a very bad dream.

9:15 PM [doveseyes] mariposa..yes, just today I said the exact thing..if someone told me 3 years ago I would be dealing with all I am dealing with..I wouldn't have believed it

9:16 PM [Bluesky] wiffe I wouldn't say that to him, that is putting pressure and guilt on him. Besides it is probably because she is 4

9:16 PM [mariposa] MAS: Are you feeling better since the holidays are over?

9:16 PM [dogwood] lisak-- which email is correct-- This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or, This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. ??

9:16 PM [wiffe] Bluesky Oh I know better than to say that.

9:16 PM [plumcrazy] WIFFE ---guilt about not being there is probably part of it He no longer knows how to make it better

9:17 PM [swan] lisak - thanks, I planned to be home before chat so I could create the room, but it took a little longer than it ever has, sorry. I will get the other part of chat from the email and make appropriate changes before archiving, no one will ever know I missed the first 10 minutes.

9:18 PM [MAS] mariposa @16: Actually, I'm not. I'm very depressed over what H gave me for Christmas...but then, I guess none of us are. I am also not looking forward to New Year's Eve because my D is having a party and has invited him and the OW.

9:18 PM [plumcrazy] SWAN----Give yourself a BREAK Woman!!!

9:19 PM [swan] plumcrazy - I am a type A personality, no breaks!

9:19 PM [lisak] Heavenly Father, we adore You and appreciate You for Who You Are and everything You do for us. Thank You Lord for being in complete control and knowing what is best for all of us. Thank You for the time I've had with Jim and Sally, and now Jim and Jan, to learn about midlife and be prepared for even my own journey. I pray that you will continue to bless Jim and Jan with great healthy and excitement as they begin another much needed ministry to help, to serve, and to glorify You. I pray for the ministry of Midlife Dimensions, as Bill and Pam Farrel take over, that they would remain strong and healthy, and be able to balance it in with their existing ministry to continue to help, serve, and glorify You. Please be with swan and I as we do our best to help both ministries through the transition. And also Lord, for all of our volunteering Facilitators, please bless them will good health and the desires of their hearts, that they would be close and secure in Your love, continuing to grow and learn, and be great examples of the Love of Your Son, Jesus. As always, please bless everyone that was here tonight, and all who will read this in the future. Help the hurting souls to know You are there with them, and help them to understand that it's simply a process that You have them in to mold them into the image of Your Son. May everyone here not be led into the same temptations as our spouses, help us to keep our eyes on You Lord, not looking to the left or the right, but straight ahead to Your path for us. Please forgive us for our continued daily selfish sins, Lord, and help us to desire to be like Jesus minute by minute. Lord God, may You be glorified in our lives, in the Chat Room, in the archives, and in both ministries going forward, forever and ever. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

9:19 PM [mariposa] MAS: I'm so sorry. I, too am dreading New Year's Eve. I don't know what I will end up doing.

9:19 PM [doveseyes] mas at 18..what did h give you?

9:19 PM [MAS] mariposa: Correction: I meant, I guess ALL of us are!

9:19 PM [plumcrazy] MAS----What did H give you? I didn’t get a gift or even a Merry Christmas

9:20 PM [doveseyes] amen

9:20 PM [lisak] dogwood at :;16, both emails work.

9:20 PM [plumcrazy] AMEN Lisa

9:20 PM [dogwood] lisak-- thanks for the confirmation.

9:21 PM [MAS] mariposa: Thank you. I guess we can both come onto chat, and find solace together.

9:21 PM [doveseyes] mariposa..I am dreading the new year too...I figure h will want to do something...

9:22 PM [mariposa] doveseyes: Do something with you?

9:22 PM [doveseyes] mariposa..yes...like file..etc

9:22 PM [mariposa] MAS: I wish we all lived nearby and could have a New Years Eve party together.

9:22 PM [mariposa] doveseyes: Yes, I am afraid of that, too.

9:23 PM [MAS] doveseyes/plum: I know and I'm sorry for both of you. Well, for my birthday, he gave me a bike lock. And for Christmas he gave me a soap dispenser! In one way I'd almost rather have gotten nothing at all than something so impersonal.

9:23 PM [doveseyes] mariposa..me too...I know my h has big swinging mlc plans...party party

9:23 PM [doveseyes] mas..a soap dispenser? how odd...

9:24 PM [MAS] mariposa@22: Wouldn't that be great??!!

9:24 PM [plumcrazy] MAS--Those were WEIRD gifts. But look at it this way He was thinking of you and that is a GOOD thing!!\

9:24 PM [doveseyes] plum..yes..that is a good thing..

9:24 PM [lisak] To all who read this: please be patient with me as I work through the transition and continue to juggle the jobs that I love and enjoy so much. For those that don't know, I also work a full time job as the Events Coordinator for The Rock Community Church of Yorba Linda. So, now with adding an additional ministry to my plate, I will be even busier. I know I'm slow in returning emails these days and I'm truly sorry. I want all of you to know that I love you and pray for everyone in our chat rooms often. My heart goes out to everyone in pain, as I've been there myself, and is now in a restored marriage. We're all in good hands, with the Conway’s, the Farrel's, and God. I know we'll all be ok.

9:25 PM [doveseyes] mas...the new year’s party would be hard...do u have any plans

9:25 PM [MAS] doveseyes Yeah, it was a last minute gift that he probably got at Walgreen's!

9:26 PM [doveseyes] lisak..thanks...your marriage is an encouragement...

9:26 PM [MAS] plumcrazy @24: Thanks, but like someone had mentioned earlier....I would much rather have him back home.

9:26 PM [dogwood] All, lisak-- thanks. good night

9:26 PM [MAS] doveseyes No, no plans at all for New Years. What about you?

9:26 PM [mariposa] MAS: Do you have much contact with him daily?

9:26 PM [doveseyes] mas..no..no plans

9:26 PM [lisak] Good night everyone. God bless.

9:26 PM [plumcrazy] Goodnight Dogwood Are you leaving?

9:27 PM [doveseyes] good night

9:27 PM [swan] MAS - Look at it more as if he is concerned with your safety, therefore gave you a lock for your bike and concerned for your health so gave you a soap dispenser for the cold and flu season.

9:27 PM [plumcrazy] ALL----I need to go Take care

9:27 PM [plumcrazy] bye

9:27 PM [MAS] maricopa@26 We don't have contact on a daily basis, but we do speak on the phone from time to time.

9:28 PM [MAS] swan@27:    I love it!

9:28 PM [swan] Goodnight all, please join us again on Wednesday

9:28 PM [mariposa] all: Good night and God bless !

8:09 PM [surety] Jim to jump right in.... I have a question.... my h apologizes for small things, remember we only text each other no other contact. (small things like he fell asleep, or had to do something at work, etc) is that a good sign that

8:13 PM [jim] Surety at :09, Keep looking for the big changes, not focusing on just the small things.

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