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December 20, 2010 / with Jim Conway

8:04 PM [boscosdad] Jim: I think these holiday blues sneak up on you. I didn't think I was feeling them, then BAM!

8:07 PM jim: boscosdad at: 04, it's extremely important to take preventative measures against the down feelings that come at Christmas time - so be proactive and plan lots of times with people, watch what you eat so that you're not loading up on sugar, plan extra time for exercise, and surround yourself with more time reading the Bible and listening to praise music.

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December 20, 2010 / Monday Chat with Jim / 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

8:00 PM jim: ALL: Glad to be with you in the chat room tonight. Remember to be on guard because the holidays are very difficult times for people who are having struggles with marriages. I encourage you to read through some of my suggestions on the home page of midlife.com. So, what should we talk about on this last Monday before Christmas?

8:00 PM [boscosdad] Wow! There are tumbleweeds blowing through here...

8:00 PM [lisak] Hi All, I have Jim on the line, so I'll switch over and type for him.

8:01 PM [boscosdad] Who brought the cards?

8:03 PM [wiffe] HI all.

8:03 PM [boscosdad] We need one more for a basketball team!

8:04 PM [wiffe] All- I'm just in a frustrated mood tonight. This AM got nothing really from H and tonight not a kiss, hug or even really a bye. He really just said since you can't do Christmas with mom on Wednesday I don’t know when she will bring the stuff over.

8:04 PM [boscosdad] Jim: I think these holiday blues sneak up on you. I didn't think I was feeling them, then BAM!

8:07 PM jim: boscosdad at: 04, it's extremely important to take preventative measures against the down feelings that come at Christmas time - so be proactive and plan lots of times with people, watch what you eat so that you're not loading up on sugar, plan extra time for exercise, and surround yourself with more time reading the Bible and listening to praise music.

8:05 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - I would like to talk about the "running away" part of MLC. H is still at home but basically is finding everything else to be doing. Is this avoidance or just plain old think time?

8:09 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at: 05, it sounds like he is trying to avoid you, so ask yourself "what is it that I can do that would make him feel better about being around me?" Also realize that he is probably experiencing overload in several areas in his life, so he needs time to process all of this. In short, don't let this freak you out. It's an ordinary process.

8:07 PM [Lil2Spunki] wiffe - How long have you and your H been in restoration?

8:07 PM [boscosdad] Jim: Will do!

8:08 PM [wiffe] Lil2Spunki Not sure. Back in Oct I had gotten a letter from a lawyer and that next weekend he told me not to give up on him and started talking to a pastor.

8:08 PM [momof5] great news wiffe

8:09 PM [hepsy] hi dogwood - how are you?

8:10 PM [wiffe] How do I show him I want him back? It's one of the things he mentioned Friday night. I don’t understand what he wants since we have 2 children.

8:10 PM [momof5] hi hepsy

8:10 PM [hepsy] hi momof5 - haven't talked to you in awhile. you ok?

8:10 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - Oh I know that he is avoiding me, the children and even letting any little household responsibilities go. Do I not pressure him about taking care of the household responsibilities?

8:12 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at: 10, yes - back off on pressuring him about household responsibilities.

8:10 PM [dogwood] Jim—My adult son is coming to town for a weekend business trip, he plans to stay at our house. Do you think it would be a good for him to talk to H into staying in the marriage and not to walk out even though H has previously told hour son that he had made his decision to leave me?

8:13 PM jim: dogwood at: 10, let your son decide what he wants to say to your husband - don't manipulate the 2 of them.

8:11 PM [wiffe] dogwood I don't think your H will listen to your son.

8:11 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - Are you doing better today. I had started an email to you but it ran into chat time

8:11 PM [dogwood] hepsy-- okay of now because I am at my son's place since last Thursday.

8:11 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - hi there. I feel better today. Went to an alanon meeting today. It was good support. How are you?

8:12 PM [hepsy] dogwood - I am glad you are feeling better at your son's. How long will you be staying there?

8:12 PM [momof5] hi hepsy...don't have much of a chance, but things have gotten really bad so figured I should get on and not lose my faith in God.

8:12 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - Lots going on. H is still in the runaway avoidance mode. Just found out today that he will be working in SD. Leaving on the 26th. The job finishes at the end of March. Maybe it will be good for him and us?

8:13 PM [hepsy] momof5 - what do you mean? what has been happening?

8:13 PM [dogwood] hepsy--I will spend the Christmas and New Year here and fly back on Jan. 4. I need to get really strong in the Lord while here; because H told me that he is moving out in January. I will have a hard time and need to be prepared for.

8:14 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki -idk, maybe. How do you feel about it?

8:14 PM [hepsy] dogwood - have you sought legal counsel for yourself?

8:14 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - all 5 kids and I feel better that he is going to be gone. Is that horrible?

8:14 PM [wiffe] ALL- why does he have to sound so RUDE????

8:15 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - no... I can relate... Sometimes it is easier than walking on eggshells all the time.

8:15 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I know that my son is leaning toward helping me to get over with it and move on. I will follow your advice not to manipulate anything.

8:18 PM jim: dogwood at: 15, I'm proud of you for taking a non pushy stand about your husband and your son.

8:16 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - This job is with 4 other guys and they will be working nights, 10 hour shifts and staying at the same place. Most of the men know me so I guess I don't really worry about him going out and getting OW.

8:16 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - It is like hugging an ironing board...lol.

8:16 PM [dogwood] hepsy--Yes, I had a 30 EAP meeting with an attorney. get some education about it

8:17 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - yes, definitely an ironing board! Well, it is good you don't have to worry about ow.

8:17 PM [momof5] No child support, late on mortgage payments (his responsibility). We have been relying on church and gov't programs for food, heat etc. He's begun threatening me; blackmailing me (I had some child abuse issues when I was a kid. I don't want anyone to know about them), etc. Who is he and why does God allow this???

8:17 PM [hepsy] dogwood - well, that's good. It is important to know what you are dealing with.

8:18 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - Do we ever really know. My H is escaping to every place he possibly can right now. He is avoiding everything. Kids and house at this point... even if I am not here.

8:18 PM [dogwood] Jim-- will you continue be available for Monday Chat after the year? also, will you continue to give phone counsel?

8:20 PM jim: dogwood and ALL IN THE CHAT ROOM: Bill Farrel and I have agreed that I will visit the Chat Rooms about once a month on a schedule that he will be setting up. I will probably continue to do phone counseling after the new website is set up.

8:18 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - Do men in MLC ever have breakdowns?

8:20 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at: 18, yes, sometimes the stress becomes so great that people in midlife crisis will have emotional breakdowns.

8:19 PM [momof5] Dogwood I am so sorry for both of you. He doesn't know what he's doing

8:20 PM [hepsy] momof5 - I am so sorry... I ask those questions sometimes myself. It is hard to think the person we fell in love with can change so drastically... Is h pursuing a divorce?

8:20 PM [momof5] Lil2Spunki I know the feeling. Most of the time now, I just wish he'd stay gone.

8:21 PM [momof5] Sorry hepsy

8:21 PM [dogwood] Jim-- my son just show all his support while I am here, He told me that I can come to live with them anytime I decide to; I am checking out possibilities of works around here as well.

8:24 PM jim: dogwood at: 21, I'm glad for your son's support, please keep in touch with all of us to let us know what's happening.

8:21 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - Have you know any men to use the St. Johns Wort? My H is about 2 weeks into it but I don't know if I will notice anything externally.

8:25 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at: 21, yes, St. John's Wort has been helpful to a number of men; they probably should take a capsule in the morning and in the evening.

8:22 PM [Lil2Spunki] momof5 - Does he live at home still?

8:22 PM [dogwood] Jim-- Does this mean that Farrel will do the Monday Chat instead of you, and you will only participate once a month?

8:26 PM jim: dogwood at: 22, Initially, Bill will probably be in the Monday night chat room.

8:23 PM [hepsy] wiffe - @14 - has h been rude to you in person or on phone or what?

8:23 PM [hepsy] Hi still

8:23 PM [Still] Hi Hepsy, how are you?

8:23 PM [wiffe] hepsy Just got off the phone with him and he just wasn’t' himself. Seemed bothered to even speak to me today

8:24 PM [plumcrazy] Hello all

8:24 PM [wiffe] all - I tried to text him a thank you last night but I got no response from him at all.

8:24 PM [hepsy] still - well, I was pretty emotional yesterday... my kids are home... I am glad, yet, it is more apparent how h ignores me... he is kind to them and engages in conversation... I don't exist...

8:24 PM [Lil2Spunki] wiffe - Do you feel that you are setting your expectations to high in the restoration process?

8:24 PM [faithful] hey plum how are you? How are things with your daughter?

8:25 PM [momof5] He moved out mother’s day 2009 and texted me when our 5th little boy was 3 days old to say he had retained an atty. I got paper 2 weeks later saying I was cruel and inhuman. We are still going through the process. Final court date for august 2011!

8:25 PM [Still] Hepsy, how well I know that "ignoring". I'm sorry.

8:25 PM [wiffe] Lil2Spunki OH probably. I just want him home.

8:26 PM [sbky] hello all

8:26 PM [hepsy] momof5 - I am sorry.... how are you coping?

8:26 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - Yep did the research. Used widely in Germany as an antidepressant 900mg is the recommended dosage. I just hope that he doesn't start feeling so good that he will pursue another woman while he is thinking we are done.

8:28 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at: 26, generally St. John's Wort will help to reduce depression and enable the person to process things more rationally.

8:27 PM [plumcrazy] JIM----I need help I went up to D's room to see if she was doing school work like she is supposed to be Deadline to turn in all her makeup work is Wed. I asked to look at her book and she started screaming at me. I said I am talking to you stop screaming .D followed me around calling me names and complaining to her Dad. What do I do? She won’t stop carrying on and hasn’t been to school except one day in 2 weeks. She thinks she can talk to me however she wants to. Dad will not make her behave or tell her to stop talking to me that way. All he says to us is calm down you two. I have been working on my issues and not yelling back at her but this is driving me nuts. Why won't she behave? therapist recommended a psychological exam

8:31 PM jim: plumcrazy at: 27 , chat with your husband and see if he can help with this problem of getting her back into school. You also may need to ask the school for help. Some of what your daughter is going through is normal teenage rebellion. Try not to make issues over unimportant things, such as cleaning up her room.

8:27 PM [Lil2Spunki] wiffe - Pray on your patience. You seem that you are wanting it all to happen overnight. You have so much more to be thankful for at your stage of the game

8:27 PM [hepsy] jim - do you feel that as long as my h is drinking, that he will not be able to move through the mlc process?

8:33 PM jim hepsy at :27, drinking is just another way of escaping the pain that he is feeling - but it's only a temporary solution and eventually he is going to figure out that he has to solve the real issues in his life, not just hide from them. But this is the time to make sure that there are not issues in you personally, or in your marriage, from which your husband is trying to escape. Now is the time for lots of growth and change in you.

8:27 PM [wiffe] Lil2Spunki I know. Just impatient

8:28 PM [dogwood] Jim-- If H moves out, can I share with some friends about his absence that they can help or support me since I will desperately need; Or, should I keep it to myself? How about workplace? Our common friends? I have not said anything to anyone except 2 girl friends who are recently widowed

8:34 PM jim: dogwood at :28, regarding friends, just don't share more than you need to, and just say that your husband is going through a tough time and that he simply needs some space.

8:28 PM [Lil2Spunki] wiffe - MLC is nothing but a patience journey. You have to be patient while they tear your life apart. Patient while they take time to think and Patient when they decide to return to the marriage.

8:29 PM [momof5] It's hard and scary and I question my judgment & why God would let me have another bad man in my life. I prayed for him as a hurt, scared little child & though my h was amazing. He left suddenly w/ no sign, no 2nd chance, no looking back

8:29 PM [wiffe] Lil2Spunki patient while he tries to realize the OW isn't what he really wants.

8:31 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - Oh certainly I want what is best for my husband first and foremost but I am just a little scared of having to deal with another woman coming into the picture at this point. I have 4 teenage daughters and I pray continuously that God has a hedge of protection around my husband. Although H says that he doesn't even think about sex anymore. He is only 38... that screams depression to me.

8:35 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at: 31, the best protection against another woman is to make sure that you understand your husband's needs, and that you are growing and changing to meet his needs.

8:32 PM [lalachrissie] hi all

8:32 PM [Lil2Spunki] wiffe - I hope that I don't have to find that one out but I can't believe that my H would be that much different all the other H's. I am prepared but there has not been any signs other than he vanishes.

8:33 PM [koko] hi all

8:33 PM [dogwood] Jim-- should I try to stay around and not to move away just in case H may turn around? If so, how long should I keep this hope? It will be a painful process to choose this option...

8:37 PM jim: dogwood at: 33, it's important that you don't tie your emotions to your husband's ups and downs. I would encourage you to become a woman who can stand on her own, not needing to lean on other people - this is where your growth with God is going to be very helpful to you.

8:33 PM [plumcrazy] JIM--I told D if she stays home and she isn’t sick I will not call her school to excuse her. After 4 unexcused absences in one month she will be reported truant She has 3 now. H will not get involved in getting her back into school. He told her you don’t have to go to school you can be a janitor.etc. All I want is for her to go to school

8:39 PM jim: plumcrazy at: 33, I'm sorry for the pressures that you're going through. But some of these responsibilities will need to be cared for by your daughter - if she is kicked out of school because of her choices, then she will know that your choice, and her dad's choice, was for her to go to school - but that you are not going to force her.

8:34 PM [momof5] Plum I am so sorry to hear about your troubles with your d. Kids are so precious

8:34 PM [momof5] Hi lala & koko

8:34 PM [lalachrissie] momof5 hi

8:34 PM [dogwood] Jim-- that is a good advice. Will adhere to it.

8:35 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy hello

8:35 PM [plumcrazy] JIM -----D says school isn’t challenging enough she already learned this stuff before. I said then you should get easy A's Got agitated. No gifted program in our district. But I told her you will still have homework in gifted program

8:41 PM jim: plumcrazy at :35, frequently children are under challenged at school, is there some other program in town which might be more challenging to her in addition to school - gymnastics, scuba diving, sports, etc.

8:36 PM [wiffe] jim- I think I am changing physically for the better and it seems H isn't interested. What do I do?

8:41 PM jim: wiffe at :36, he is not going to indicate any interest at the beginning as you change, because he's not sure that the changes will last - just keep changing.

8:36 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - I am definitely growing and changing but how is he even to notice them if he is busy running away?

8:42 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at: 36, don't worry, he's noticing it.

8:36 PM [koko] Jim. my in-laws are taking D's out of state for 2 days next week. Does a candlelight dinner ready to have when W comes home from work seem like to much

8:42 PM jim: koko at: 36 make sure that you are understanding what your wife really wants. What is it that would really delight her?

8:36 PM [lalachrissie] jim my h has virtually no contact with me other than to ask about the kids, kids refuse to see or speak to him. if he wants to come by to get some of his things do you recommend I see him?

8:43 PM jim: lalachrissie at: 36 follow his lead by being available, but not pushy.

8:37 PM [plumcrazy] JIM---d told therapist all she wanted to do is sleep. He told her to get a physical. She is under a Dr.'s care and didn’t tell therapist she is not eating, drinking or sleeping well. If she had he would have told her that is why she is tired.

8:44 PM jim: plumcrazy at: 37 keep working with your local physicians and therapists.

8:38 PM [plumcrazy] All---calgon take me away!!!!!

8:38 PM [wiffe] plumcrazy I hear ya.

8:38 PM [wiffe] all maybe it's the lunar eclipse tonight

8:39 PM [plumcrazy] Wiffe---maybe!!!

8:39 PM [plumcrazy] ALL---Sorry for rambling I am just so frustrated

8:40 PM [hepsy] jim - I am changing and working on me... I think I have made much progress. However, I feel h doesn't care. We talked a litte on Sun. He wouldn't look at me. I asked him if he would please look at me when I was talking - this made him angry - he said I was trying to control him.

8:45 PM jim: hepsy at: 40, if your husband says you're trying to control him, you probably are.

8:40 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy my h said the same thing and he refused to look at me.

8:41 PM [hepsy] hi lalachrissie - I didn't see you come it - I went downstairs to get some hot tea. How are you today?

8:41 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - Did you know men communicate better when you are sitting side by side? They like to also be active (like walking) when talking. I never really try to look H in the eyes anymore but stand by his side. I will say that we can engage in small conversations that way. Just a thought.

8:42 PM [plumcrazy] JIM You will be so proud of me I have been doing an awesome job of controlling my mouth and not reacting to H's comments!!! Ask swan and Cricket

8:45 PM jim: plumcrazy at: 42, good for you!

8:42 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy I’m good. cold and wet. trying to get the fireplace going...

8:42 PM [wiffe] Jim one of the comments he made Friday on the phone was he doesn’t see or feel that I want him back. How do I respond?

8:46 PM jim: wiffe at: 42 keep giving him lots of positive affirmation and he will know that you want him back.

8:43 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - well, h was sitting on couch. I on the floor. He usually tries to sit as far away from me as possible. We used to walk the dog together. Now, he refuses to go.

8:43 PM [momof5] Jim I did that several years ago. Lost all extra weight even after 4 kids at the time, started working p/t, tried so hard to put him 1st. He left mother's day 09 for his gf he met on facebook. I was 5 months preg w/ our fifth little boy (surprise) in a difficult pregnancy. I was on home IV, baby at risk etc. I thought he was just panicking and tried to be as understanding as possible. He texted when baby was 3 days old to say he retained an atty. He says it's b/c of abuse issues in my past & says I'm too damaged for anyone to love. He's been verbally abusive & my kids thought he'd hit me last week. He's threatening to tell everyone about my past if I don't give him all he wants in d, but we are cold and have no money. I've been stay at home mom & am scared and hurt and angry This is not the man I knew. I've had troubles in the past with men. Why does God allow this? I wouldn't want my children to suffer like this

8:43 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - is it raining there?

8:43 PM [dogwood] Jim-- that is so tough and hard. We are made to be social being. However, I am trying my best not to become anxious and panic when being alone

8:43 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - thanks for the reassurance. I do have one last question. H just learned that he has been called out of town to work for 3 months. What is your thoughts on that kind of separation? I actually feel relieved as well as the kids but I am not sure how to handle communication with him.

8:48 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at :43 separation is a 2 sided issue, Make sure you're not taking it negatively and keep praying that the time away will give him time to process issues, in the meantime, keep working on your issues.

8:44 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - the weather here in Texas is nuts. One day it is in the 30s, next it is in the 80s. I don't know how to dress!

8:44 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy it's been raining for days and it's supposed to continue until Wednesday

8:45 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - so no more word from h regarding his bike/

8:45 PM [plumcrazy] JIM---An example is H told me we could use his vacation sellback money to fix the car. then when he got it I said something about it and H said "You are not using my vacation money to fix the car. Use the tax refund." I am going to use the money to fix the computer or add it to the tax refund to get a 2nd car" I didn’t say anything and went to another room and mumbled under my breath H asked what I said "I said nothing"

8:49 PM jim: plumcrazy at: 45, it's better to have some physical space between you when these issues come up so that your minds can quiet down. You need at least 15 minutes.

8:46 PM [koko] goodnight all D9 is not feeling well. have a safe and wonderful holiday

8:46 PM [wiffe] jim I'm trying. Just lost on how to keep doing that.

8:50 PM jim: wiffe @ 46, I'm glad that you're trying. Keep remembering the issues that bother most men. The three areas that midlife men complain about. 1. Midlife Men complain that their wives are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children). 2. Midlife Men complain that their wives are overweight, out of shape, and do not care about physical appearance. Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man’s life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn’t have to beg. 3. Midlife Men complain that their wives have not had a new thought since they got married. They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man. How are you doing in these three areas?

8:47 PM [hepsy] jim - I merely wanted him to give me the same consideration that he probably would for anyone else. He never looks at me. Why do I not deserve the same courtesy? It was not my intention to control him.

8:50 PM jim: hepsy at: 47, he is not going to react to you normally now, so it's best not to expect it.

8:47 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - Controlling was my H's issue with me. Years of it building up he said. He has ran like a wild man for the last 6 months without a word from me. I am just getting so that I don't care that much anymore.

8:47 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy nope. he emailed asking about the girls and I sent him a lengthy email today about report cards, updated about the doctor & D12, sent bills for next month- strange he made no mention of his grandma either wonder if she told him she saw us

8:47 PM [dogwood] Jim-- What happens if we refuse to sign a divorce paper when served?

8:51 PM jim: dogwood at: 47, talk to your lawyer and ask them to delay as much as possible.

8:48 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - I should reiterate. I am getting so that I don't care how much he is home anymore. The time that he is here is not good quality time like it once used to be.

8:48 PM [sbky] all... h's ow has an 11 year old d she sent my d a threaten text on fb. told her she needed to respect her mother, and treat her better. h first acted like it wasn’t anything. the little girl is just 11. d got so mad. but h must have called ow. the little girl sent an apology

8:49 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy in my h's culture it is customary to hug and kiss everyone when entering a room. the few times he's seen me since moving out he hasn't even done that. he hugs & kisses complete strangers!

8:49 PM [plumcrazy] JIM Cricket said that I should return to giving H little gifts and cards for no reason like I used to. things to make him smile, funny cards favorite candy etc. I gave H a humorous card H read it and shook his head but kept it. Then he got right off the computer and went upstairs and initiated intimacy. Is that a good sign?

8:51 PM jim: plumcrazy at: 49, seems like a good sign to me.

8:49 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - I realize that I was controlling in the past. But believe me, I don't control anything anymore. I take care of my responsibilities... I hardly voice my opinion to h regarding anything for fear he will think I am trying to be controlling.

8:50 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - not at all negatively. I do take this as a blessing from God. The company he works for is footing the bill for him to have all the alone time he needs. I just could use a little R&R time for myself and the kids. I love him with all my heart but I know that I can't force his journey. I just figure it will soak up another 3 months in his journey.

8:52 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at: 50, your evaluation is correct.

8:50 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - so you feel like I do - you are being treated differently as I am... my h treats others so much nicer that he treats me. He will literally walk out of the room while I am talking...

8:51 PM [plumcrazy] Hepsy---I know how you feel. My H does the same. Although in the last few weeks that has happened much less than it had in the past

8:52 PM [hepsy] jim - so basically, I have to just ride this thing out - leave h alone and pray that he makes it to the other side and hope that he will want to stay in the marriage..

8:52 PM jim: hepsy at: 52, this is not the time for you to be passive - it's the time for you to be growing in your own life and becoming a spiritual woman who is really walking with God.

8:52 PM [dogwood] Jim-- thanks

8:52 PM [wiffe] Jim #1 I'm trying not to nag or be controlling. # 2 I've lost 90 pounds since last Sept. I've started dressing in dresses and skirts again and looking really good. # 3 Not sure. Hard when you have a 3 and 7 year old.

8:53 PM jim: wiffe at: 52, we are all so very proud of you!!! But keep working at all of the areas so that your husband can clearly see the changes. And anything else that you think he'd like to see changed.

8:53 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - Oh I may be emotional but I do get the rationale behind the MLC. Still scared that I will wear thin and give up on him. My kids all think that I can wait it out

8:55 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at :53, that's why we all keep encouraging you to deepen your walk with God so that you're able to handle the stress and the ups and downs.

8:53 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy I would be shocked if he treated me or the girls like he does anyone else. I know they said they don't want to see him or speak to him, but his effort is close to nothing. an email or two a week to 12 & 9 yr olds???

8:53 PM [momof5] good night all. you're in my prayers

8:53 PM [lalachrissie] momof5 good night

8:54 PM [wiffe] jim Something happened at his work and he tried to say he tried talking to me about it but the girls kept interrupting. Why doesn't he try to talk to me more?

8:56 PM jim: wiffe at: 54, men generally are timid to talk to their wives about personal issues, so he may think that you are disinterested. Bring it up again and say, "you started to tell me something, but the kids interrupted, let's talk about it again.

8:54 PM [hepsy] jim - I was going to add - and in the meanwhile, work on myself.

8:56 PM jim: hepsy at: 54, Yes.

8:55 PM [wiffe] I didn’t' know he wanted or needed to talk about it. One night he just sat there and I asked him what was wrong but he wouldn't talk. I don’t want to pry or nag him so....

8:56 PM [plumcrazy] JIM I am just worried that D's behavior is going to disrupt the way H and I have been getting along. She likes to cry to H how mean I am and add things that are not true to what she says. Sees dad as being on her side against me; Likes to repeat things almost word for word her Dad said in the past since this MLC journey began. H tells D you are going to get me in trouble.

8:56 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - once this is all over and we have successfully returned to our marriage, I will have amazing testimonies to share with those who are taking the same journey. I do have faith and a greater love for God through all of this.

8:59 PM jim: Lil2Spunki at: 56, I hope that when this is all over that you will share your testimony and strengthen other marriages. However, many people who recover from this time never want to think about it again, nor help anyone else.

8:56 PM [wiffe] jim but that's just it. I don’t remember him trying to talk to me about it. it wasn't a personal issue it is hard to explain on here. he had to take pics of a 3 yr old.

9:00 PM jim: wiffe at: 56 I’m not sure what you mean.

8:57 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - yeah... that isn't right...Have you considered saying something to your h regarding the girls?

8:58 PM [lalachrissie] wiffe that was something I dealt with. h said he tried talking to me but I never heard any of the stuff he claimed to have said before.

8:58 PM jim: plumcrazy at: 56, frequently teenage girls identify with their fathers and take sides against their mothers. You might look at some of Bill and Pam's books on raising teens. Go to billandpam.org.

8:59 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I am a person who can only watch a movie with happen-ending. I refuse to watch a losing game or a moving with a sad-ending. How can I face the reality when H actually walk out on me?

8:59 PM [plumcrazy] Hey MarySarah

8:59 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy no, I haven't. I think that the relationship is his to repair and if I try to tell him to approach them differently he's going to pull away.

8:59 PM [sbky] dogwood one day at a time...

8:59 PM [wiffe] lalachrissie see I also have a problem. At times he goes to talk to me when I am walking away and I go HUH. WELL I do have a hearing issue. I was almost deaf as a baby. I can't tell which way sound comes at me. SO of course sometimes I say HUH He thinks I'm just not listening.

9:00 PM [wiffe] Lil2Spunki He doesn't seem to care to talk to me.

9:01 PM [wiffe] jim the work issue was a 3 yr old who got shot he had to take pics. He sent me a text telling me he would have trouble getting that out of his mind and that was the only thing ever said. I did ask if the child would live. Guess he needed to talk about it but never really told me.

9:01 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - I see...

9:01 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - not at all the case with me. I have already talked with my Pastor about the books that I have read. I have journeyed everything since summer. I know that I am not supposed to try and identify my H's moods or phases but I find this process so completely fascinating. Wish I was not the one having to participate.

9:01 PM jim: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. I WILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR FINAL REGULAR CHAT NEXT WEEK. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim. James 4:8, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

9:02 PM [lalachrissie] wiffe have you looked into ptsd? my h is definitely suffering from ptsd as well as mlc

9:02 PM [Lil2Spunki] wiffe - Please don't be discouraged. Let God help you with your progress.

9:03 PM [plumcrazy] LISA---Where are all the facilitators tonight?

9:03 PM [dogwood] lalachrissie-- what is ptsd?

9:03 PM [wiffe] is it possible that H's MLC started when MY mom died. I know they say an event starts it but could it have been my mom that caused this?

9:03 PM [lalachrissie] dogwood post traumatic stress disorder

9:03 PM [wiffe] post traumatic stress disorder

9:04 PM [MarySarah] Jim, my H sees me all the time @ various kids' events. He acts very differently to me around others, still little conversation & seems like he has no troubles, & his life is great no losses, etc... this w/e he actually conversed with me & laughed. Later after the ow's kid had stepped between us & then walked away, ( the child acts very possessive of my H & son & seems come between dtr & H) like he is spying for ow....well, after standing near each other my H suddenly turned & acted aggressive & brought up legal junk & then became very anxious no matter how kind I remained....Could he be attracted to me but on edge b/c ow's son is there or he was going to see ow during a break at tournament?????Why did he try start pushing my buttons & in public???? He attacked my faith again & said I was "acting" so nice to everyone

9:04 PM [lisak] Heavenly Father, thank you so much for being here tonight and for everyone that came to share and encourage one another. I pray that you will bless them all with a happy busy Christmas week, without downtime to let the devil in. Please be forefront on their minds and hearts. Let them turn to Your Word whenever there's a lull in their day or night. Thank you God for being an Amazing God and in control of everything. We Love You Lord! In Jesus' Name. Amen.

9:04 PM [lisak] MarySarah at :03. Did you forget that chat starts at 9 pm EST?

9:04 PM [plumcrazy] AMEN!!!

9:04 PM [Lil2Spunki] Amen!

9:04 PM [lalachrissie] wiffe my husband was with his friend that crashed his motorcycle at over 100 mph. he almost died in my h's arms. that was 6 yrs ago.

9:04 PM [hepsy] all - well, I am going to bed. Good chatting with you all. Hope to talk again with you Wed. Take care and sleep well.

9:04 PM [lisak] plumcrazy at :03, don't know? kind of weird huh? I guess they're all busy with Christmas prep.

:05 PM [MarySarah] Lisa Guess I lost track time, son's practice was really late tonight, so it seemed earlier than it really is

9:05 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy goodnight

9:05 PM [plumcrazy] LISA---They didn’t let you know they were not going to be here?

9:06 PM [lisak] plumcrazy at :05, no - I didn't hear from anyone. But none of them are officially scheduled to be here on Mondays either. So it's ok.

9:06 PM [Lil2Spunki] lisak - I wanted to ask how old your H was when he went through his MLC

9:06 PM [lisak] Lil2Spunki at :06, he was 43

9:07 PM [Lil2Spunki] lisak - How are you both doing? Are you still restoring?

9:07 PM [MarySarah] lala:05 I spoke with Still who it turns out lives only 30 min from me...cool, she says you & a few others know each other pretty well & support each other...great!

9:08 PM [lisak] Lil2Spunki at :07, yes we are restored, and the more time that goes by, the better we get. The more time that goes by, the more I find myself not thinking about the other woman, versus thinking about her. Time does heal the wounds. WELL, time and GOD!

9:09 PM [lalachrissie] MarySarah yes, do you go to the other board?

9:09 PM [MarySarah] All I am so sure having H home & going through this is a challenge in a big way...please give special thanks tonight that they are home & esp. if there is no ow. The chance to pray over them as they sleep & reach out to them through daily interaction is a blessing & I admit, I wish I had that, but am so thankful for those of you who already do!

9:09 PM [Lil2Spunki] lisak - I am so happy for you and find your story so inspirational. I pray that I will someday be able to add to the inspirational restored marriage testimony page as well. In God all things are possible.

9:10 PM [MarySarah] lala, not yet, but I am considering such. I was just excited that Still & I know some same people locally & can get together & perhaps start a local prayer group!

9:11 PM [dogwood] All- The recent article on Focus on the Family showing that couple who were dissatisfied with their marriage but stay in married, after several years, showing satisfied with their marriage. On the contrary, those who left their marriage, remain unhappy after several years.

9:11 PM [plumcrazy] MarySarah---You are so SWEET!!! Thank you for thinking of us that still have our H's home. Even though it is definitely not EASY to have them here in MLC

9:11 PM [lalachrissie] MarySarah I asked lisak to give you my email address, if that’s ok

9:11 PM [MarySarah] Lisa K per lala @ :10.....That would be fine with me

9:11 PM [Lil2Spunki] MarySarah - My H is home and says there is no OW but I always question. I pray continuously. He will be leaving for an out of town job for 3 months and I am relieved because I need time to rejuvenate myself.

9:11 PM [lisak] ALL - I have to go. Thanks for being here. See you next week.

9:11 PM [lalachrissie] goodnight all

9:12 PM [Lil2Spunki] MarySarah - Just because there is no sign of OW... he still says that he is done with me. Doesn't have it in him to try. He has never really tried. Go figure.

9:12 PM [dogwood] MarySarah-- which state are you in?

9:13 PM [dogwood] plumcrazy-- Consider you are lucky to have them in the house.

9:14 PM [plumcrazy] Dogwood--I know that and I thank God that he is!!

9:14 PM [MarySarah] Plum 10:11 Thanks the other day my H stated again this is somehow my fault & I was bitter, negative person, yet I was "acting so nice & sweet to everyone....& questioned my faith...That's the enemy, it has to be. I have so many amazing people around me & have always been a caretaker & LOVE people, my faith has been pivotal since a young age... I think it was button pushing , but again....why....he seems to have what he wants, so why tear me down

9:15 PM [MarySarah] Lil2 I heard same, "I'm done with you" that is hard heartedness.....God will change it

9:15 PM [plumcrazy] MarySarah---Things have been getting better between H and I it seems. But D is driving me crazy . Why can’t she just behave and do what she should

9:16 PM [MarySarah] dogwood I am in the northeast, not sure if I am suppose to say where. are you on ESG? I'll email it to you

9:16 PM [plumcrazy] Hey Blue

9:16 PM [Bluesky] hi all, how was chat

9:17 PM [MarySarah] Blue, I wrote this to Jim....what do you think? my H sees me all the time @ various kids' events. He acts very differently to me around others, still little conversation & seems like he has no troubles, & his life is great no losses,, etc... this w/e he actually conversed with me & laughed. Later after the ow's kid had stepped between us & then walked away, ( the child acts very possessive of my H & son & seems come between dtr & H) like he is spying for ow....well, after standing near each other my H suddenly turned & acted aggressive & brought up legal junk & then became very anxious no matter how kind I remained....Could he be attracted to me but on edge b/c ow's son is there or he was going to see ow during a break at tournament?????Why did he try start pushing my buttons & in public???? He attacked my faith again & said I was "acting" so nice to everyone

9:17 PM [Lil2Spunki] MarySarah - I have heard the I love you but not in love with you. Don't know if I want to be married. H doesn't use the word divorce. Has used the term separation but not in the context of I want. I don't ask anymore. I am just going to let him get through this with my aura of prayer around him.

9:18 PM [MarySarah] Plum pray against her rebellious spirit. She may be trying to compete with you & cut the apron strings..Pray for EVERYTHING in her life

9:19 PM [MarySarah] Lil 2 Good....Mine has violently pushed for this from before the bomb...it was so planned out, he despises me, it's very hard sometimes to look beyond circumstances, but I must

9:19 PM [Bluesky] MarySarah you know I have had a pretty tough day today, so I don't know what to tell you. I am still numb. What did Jim say?

9:19 PM [Lil2Spunki] plumcrazy - Have you ever tried to just sit down and apologize to you D for all that is going on in her life, tell her that you love her being and let her know that throughout it all you are proud of her despite what she is currently going through. Just a little reverse psychology?

9:20 PM [plumcrazy] MarySarah--She is such a bright girl Hate to see her behaving this way and messing up school. Doesn’t make any sense. her therapist suggested getting a psychological evaluation done at Yale Said something about a PETAL evaluation

9:20 PM [MarySarah] Blue...nothing, he logged out right as I sent it....What's wrong, I am behind on my emails

9:20 PM [plumcrazy] Lil2spunki---I will try it. Thanks'

9:20 PM [MarySarah] Blue....I will pray darling

9:21 PM [Bluesky] MarySarah me too for you all. What did Jim say?

9:21 PM [MarySarah] Blue....he didn't address it

9:21 PM [Lil2Spunki] plumcrazy - I have five.. 4 of them are teens so I have learned some different approaches. Smother it with love and affection and sometimes they will let you in

9:21 PM [Bluesky] MarySarah oh, sorry, I know he likes short and concise questions.

9:22 PM [Lil2Spunki] plumcrazy - Oh and teens can pick up on insincerity a mile away so make it real.

9:22 PM [Bluesky] MarySarah settlement meeting today. it’s the first time I have seen my h so angry during this.

9:22 PM [plumcrazy] LADIES---I have to go now. Please pray for my D and her returning to school and releasing her anger and getting back to sweetness

9:23 PM [MarySarah] blue... I am SORRY....MY h has been terribly angry too as you know. It hurts, but it is not you!

9:24 PM [Bluesky] MarySarah yes, I saw for the first time today that and confusion.

9:24 PM [MarySarah] Blue be prepared, I did not think my H could remain angry & get worse or lie more, but sometimes they do, probably need to hit bottom I guess

9:24 PM [Bluesky] MarySarah well, my h is moving out of the country which now I think is good.

9:25 PM [Lil2Spunki] All - Do you see many of the restored marriage chatters fall away from the boards. Do you learn that they are restored or are you left wondering?

9:26 PM [Bluesky] Lil2Spunki kind off. They still facilitate now and again.

9:26 PM [MarySarah] Blue mine SEEMS to have it all together & can seem arrogant even, it is all smoke & mirrors...My H's partner gets a lot of this too & My H forgets a lot at work & really doesn't care about anything but what he wants at time & nothing is wrong in his mind whatever means he needs to get what wants,,, they think they are wronged party...PRISONERS of satan's SCHEMES & LIES... They will be set free

9:26 PM [Lil2Spunki] Bluesky - I suppose that once they are ok they don't want to look back.

9:27 PM [plumcrazy] Mary--she is ok Was here a week or so ago I told her to come back She gives good advice

9:27 PM [Bluesky] Lil2Spunki well, that could be part but they do share their experiences still. Also, they usually want to give

9:28 PM [MarySarah] Blue it just may be....My H's pull & neg influence on kids is strong, plus he stays angry & still blames me & tries discredit me a lot

9:28 PM [plumcrazy] Blue ---you are the only facilitator that has been her tonight

9:28 PM [Lil2Spunki] Bluesky - No.. just inspiration. Having one of those days where you wonder if it is all worth it. You know.

9:28 PM [MarySarah] Lil2 I think most restored M don't come into chat

9:28 PM [Bluesky] plumcrazy oh really?

9:28 PM [plumcrazy] Blue---YEP

9:29 PM [Lil2Spunki] MarySarah - Kind of a shame isn't it.

9:29 PM [Bluesky] Lil2Spunki believe me I know. After seeing h today, I don't see any hope at all but I try to keep going.

9:29 PM [Bluesky] Lil2Spunki you are smart to get help while you h is home. I wish I could have done some things different.

9:30 PM [Bluesky] goodnight, it is going to close.

9:30 PM [plumcrazy] MarySarah---I am not sure she may be divorced but dating. I was having computer issues that night

8:04 PM [boscosdad] Jim: I think these holiday blues sneak up on you. I didn't think I was feeling them, then BAM!

8:07 PM jim: boscosdad at: 04, it's extremely important to take preventative measures against the down feelings that come at Christmas time - so be proactive and plan lots of times with people, watch what you eat so that you're not loading up on sugar, plan extra time for exercise, and surround yourself with more time reading the Bible and listening to praise music.

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