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December 13, 2010/with Jim Conway

8:07 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I am doing worse lately, feeling down more and more, I guess because of H's BD before he left earlier this month. He told me that he is planning to move out. I just feel so afraid all the time whenever that thought comes to me. He apparently has planned for a while, waiting to the end of the year when the income tax joint filing ends in Dec. I am afraid of won't be able to handle it. I did try to read John where I like the WORD becomes flesh, dwell among us. I thought that I really need the WORD to be flesh to me... in the morning as soon as I wake up, the cold chill goes through my spine, fear arises, can't read the scripture well.

8:12 PM Jim: dogwood at :07, whenever fear gets to us - we need to make positive choices to do what is good for us, such as reading the scriptures, even if we don't feel like it, or at the beginning if we don't feel anything is happening. In my own life, daily reading has a cumulative effect and continues to stabilize me. So keep at it. Also reach out to several people asking them to pray for you.

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December 13, 2010/Monday Chat with Jim 6-7 pm PST.

8:00 PM Jim: All: Hi. I was in the hospital for an outpatient procedure today - a colonoscopy. It's the first one I've ever had done, and it was a piece of cake. So you should have one about every 10 years after you turn 50 - don't be afraid of it and it will give you a great deal of piece-of-mind. Also it was 2 degrees above zero here last night, 50 mile an hour blowing winds, and about 8 inches of snow - so there are drifts all over the place. I'm glad that Jan and I get to teach this winter in Hawaii - and I'm sorry for all of you who have to live in this heavy Snow Belt. Ok, what would you like to talk about tonight?

8:00 PM [plumcrazy] Hello

8:00 PM [sbky] hello

8:00 PM [plumcrazy] Hey SBKY

8:00 PM [sbky] how are you

8:00 PM [plumcrazy] I am ok

8:00 PM [sbky] I am doing good

8:00 PM [sbky] hello swan

8:00 PM [plumcrazy] Hey Swan

8:01 PM [plumcrazy] Hey Jim

8:01 PM [plumcrazy] HI LISA how are you?

8:01 PM [sbky] hello lisak and Jim

8:02 PM [plumcrazy] Hello MAS

8:02 PM [sbky] some new but maybe small things have happened with h... he was suppose to go to church with my sil, me and d didn’t know and we went. We had never been to this church. The message was forgiveness. My mil told d that she thinks my h is starting to see some things he has done to us and starting to regret some stuff... and when he dropped my cs at work he was causal enough to say "see ya"

8:02 PM [plumcrazy] Hello Lalachrissie

8:03 PM [plumcrazy] Hello Dogwood

8:03 PM [lalachrissie] plumcrazy hi

8:03 PM [MAS] Hi Plum. Hi everyone.

8:04 PM [sbky] Jim we have 9 inches of snow. But just a tad warmer suppose to be 6 degrees tonight

8:06 PM [plumcrazy] JIM--I need to have one of those done there is a history of colon cancer in my family. When do you leave for Hawaii or are you already there?

8:09 PM Jim: plumcrazy at: 06, yes I strongly urge you to have this procedure done since your family has that type of history. I'm grateful that there were no polyps at all in my colon. We leave for Hawaii about the 10th of January after we take Jan's 92-year-old father down to Florida for the winter.

8:06 PM [hepsy] hi lalachrissie - how are you?

8:07 PM [plumcrazy] JIM----LOL I just read back and answered my own question

8:07 PM [hepsy] Hi dogwood - been thinking and praying for you... how are you feeling?

8:07 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I am doing worse lately, feeling down more and more, I guess because of H's BD before he left earlier this month. He told me that he is planning to move out. I just feel so afraid all the time whenever that thought comes to me. He apparently has planned for a while, waiting to the end of the year when the income tax joint filing ends in Dec. I am afraid of won't be able to handle it. I did try to read John where I like the WORD becomes flesh, dwell among us. I thought that I really need the WORD to be flesh to me... in the morning as soon as I wake up, the cold chill goes through my spine, fear arises, can't read the scripture well.

8:12 PM Jim: dogwood at :07, whenever fear gets to us - we need to make positive choices to do what is good for us, such as reading the scriptures, even if we don't feel like it, or at the beginning if we don't feel anything is happening. In my own life, daily reading has a cumulative effect and continues to stabilize me. So keep at it. Also reach out to several people asking them to pray for you.

8:07 PM [swan] Jim @04 - 2 degrees above zero, I guess I am having a warming affect with it at 17 degrees here compared to your temps ;- LOL!

8:08 PM [plumcrazy] SWAN--Jim gets that lake effect snow it is always colder!!!

8:08 PM [plumcrazy] Boscosdad -----Good to see you tonight

8:09 PM [swan] plumcrazy @08 - Guess what I overlook here - Table Rock Lake! Being up north it is going to be colder, I was bantering with Jim, hence the LOL!

8:13 PM Jim: swan at: 09, snow is snow and cold is cold! And I am not a fan of either.

8:09 PM [boscosdad] Plum: I'm glad someone is glad I'm here! :-)

8:09 PM [lalachrissie] swan wow! That is cold. Last night we were saying during our holiday fireworks party that it was warm (high 70's) compared to July 4th fireworks when I was sitting in front of the fireplace. I think Southern California is a bit confused.

8:09 PM [plumcrazy] SWAN---I didn’t know that. But the great lakes is always colder

8:10 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy I'm ok. How are you?

8:10 PM [dogwood] hepsy and Plum--today went to see the legal counsel and learned that income after a separation is not considered community property. Even the separation is not a legally filed. Each time when I think about the separation of finance, it likes a knife go through my heart again, in addition to the emotional abandonment. It is just too much for me now. I can take it anymore

8:11 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie- well, my h is in Detroit for the week - I was actually looking forward to being by myself and not having to walk eggshells. But now I have a stomach ailment... lot of pain and discomfort. So much for enjoying my alone time.

8:11 PM [dogwood] jim@59 I am glad that you had it done, I had 2 in last 10 years, it is good for you

8:11 PM [swan] lalachrissie @09 - I lived in Southern California for many years while my husband was still active duty, my children still live there, it is a bit cooler here, but we acclimate to where we are. I remember 60 was cold in California that is pretty warm here.

8:11 PM [plumcrazy] Dogwood---I really think you need to see a counselor. Talk to JIM some more he is AWESOME!!!

8:12 PM [sbky] Jim did you see what I said about what my mil told my d about my h

8:19 PM Jim: sbky at: 12, sorry - we missed it. Please resend it.

8:12 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy my d9 too. She stayed home from school today. It went from stomach to a little cold.

8:12 PM [boscosdad] Dogwood: I HATED it when people told me I'd get through this, but I did. You will too. Surrender your circumstances to God. It's hard. Jim once said you may have to do it 500 times a day.

8:12 PM [hepsy] dogwood - I know this is terribly painful for you...I am sorry... (((hugs))

8:13 PM [boscosdad] Dogwood: I've recently realized that "cumulative" is the operative term. The more you do it, the more it works!

8:14 PM [plumcrazy] DOGWOOD---we have all been where you are now. How do you think I came up with my name? That is how I felt most of the time. Just know we are all here for you

8:14 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - I almost stayed home from work too... I pressed on though and got through it. I am not sure what it is -but I feel uncomfortable.

8:14 PM [dogwood] Jim-- when I see H again in January, is it okay to ask him whether he would consider reconciliation. even the legal counselor asked me today if we would consider seeing a marriage counselor. of course, I know the sticky point is that he wants to have the freedom pursuing extramarital relationships, is that something I should never compromise (boundary) even for mlcers?

8:16 PM Jim: dogwood at: 14 - yes it would be good if you would ask your husband that, but also tell him that your legal counselor suggested that the 2 of you see a marriage counselor. So that the idea is coming legal counselor, as well as from you.

8:14 PM [swan] Jim - I agree, the snow at Big Bear is just as cold and wet as the snow here and I personally like to look at it, but from inside.

8:18 PM Jim: swan at: 14, yes our new addition here in Michigan is very warm and we have a number of large windows which give us a great panoramic view of the snow and the lake. But even though that is great, I'd still rather be looking out at palm trees and oceans.

8:14 PM [plumcrazy] PRINCIPAL1!!!!! Where have you been WOMAN Glad to see you!!!

8:15 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy her started yesterday and this morning she said no way. I thought she might have had too many pumpkin brownies at the party last night, but now she has a stuffy nose and a sore throat and is achy.

8:15 PM [hepsy] hi Lil2Spunki - got your email today... haven't responded yet. Not feeling that great today.

8:16 PM [Principal1] I've been on hiatus (not sure how to spell that). Life is good. God is with me.

8:16 PM [plumcrazy] Principal-----Give us an update on you It has been a long time

8:17 PM [lalachrissie] swan my girls are begging me to take them to the snow. we had snow "delivered" to the beach the last two Saturday afternoons but it is so warm it melted

8:17 PM [plumcrazy] Principal---We thought about you at retreat and missed you a lot

8:17 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - I have had a bit of a cold starting... but this is weird. Almost like IBS or something. Of course the fear thoughts are swirling (what is it? something terrible?) but I am trying to rebuke that and not get too stressed out about it.

8:17 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - Hi gal. I am sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. Got the flu or just a cold?

8:18 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy maybe it's the same thing b/c you are around kids. they are like little Petri dishes

8:18 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - Abdominal pain...Not sure what it is.

8:19 PM [plumcrazy] HEPSY--There is an awful flu going around. Also gastroenteritis is a possibility. Look it up on the internet

8:19 PM [swan] lalachrissie @17 - we used to do that every year at Miramar for the Children's Christmas Party, the Marine's would go get a couple loads of snow, it would last through the day, the kids had fun.

8:19 PM [Principal1] plumcrazy--Not a lot to say. I am on my second year in my new home. I have been dating someone. Wasn't sure how people would feel about that. It is not easy for my children, but I am at peace.

8:19 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - lol! So true. I wondered if it was poor food combining - I had salmon, coleslaw and baked potato - maybe my intestines are putting up a revolt! ha!

8:19 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - yuk. I will add that to my prayers... on top of all the other things

8:20 PM [lalachrissie] swan we had 30 tons last delivered to the beach at 3pm last Saturday, by 6pm it was gone!!!

8:20 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - thanks... I was looking forward to having this alone time at home - but not like this! How are you doing tonight?

8:20 PM [swan] Jim/Lisa from sbky earlier - some new but maybe small things have happened with h... he was suppose to go to church with my sil, me and d didn’t know and we went. we had never been to this church. the message was forgiveness. my mil told d that she thinks my h is starting to see some things he has done to us and starting to regret some stuff... and when he dropped my cs at work he was causal enough to say "see ya"

8:20 PM [plumcrazy] Principal---Were you worried about what WE would think of your dating so you stayed away? We LOVE you silly girl!!!

8:20 PM [sbky] Jim my mil told my d she thinks my h is starting to see what he has done to us. and that she thinks he is starting to regret some stuff. . and last week me and my d out of the blue went to church with my in-laws, we don’t go to that church and never on wed. we found out later. h was suppose to go... my d said we was suppose to hear the message it was about forgiveness

8:24 PM Jim: sbky @:20, this is very good news because it appears that God is working powerfully in your husband's life. It is very very crucial that you intensify working on areas or issues that bothered your husband in your marriage relationship - controlling, perfectionistic, lack of sexual interest, overweight and out of shape, uninteresting, etc. What ever bothered him?

8:20 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - I did have a question for you. Do you and H still go places together or have your lives become independent of each other at this point?

8:21 PM [sbky] thanks swan I couldn’t go that far back

8:21 PM [swan] sbky @21 - I can't either, but I am copying as we go, so I got it from that.

8:21 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - no, he refuses to go anywhere with me. I used to ask - but stopped - hated feeling the rejection. So, he does his thing and I do mine. I don't like it though...

8:22 PM [swan] lalachrissie @20 - which beach?

8:23 PM [lalachrissie] swan Hermosa beach

8:23 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - I just finished the Surviving your H's Midlife Crisis. Question - if H lives at home and has made it clear that he is anxious when you are in his space, do we just back off? It is difficult when to know when to engage with the MLCer. Did you feel that you were done with Sally during midlife?

8:27 PM Jim: Lil2Spunki at :23, I'm assuming that you are referring to the new book that just came out "YOUR HUSBAND'S MIDLIFE CRISIS" - I was not done with Sally during my midlife crisis, I just didn't want any of the responsibilities related to being a husband, a father, pastor, community leader, etc. etc. I just wanted to escape and be a bum with no responsibilities.

8:24 PM [swan] lalachrissie @23 - that is a really nice area

8:24 PM [boscosdad] lalachrissie: You're in Hermosa? I'm in Torrance... Don't tell anybody! :-)

8:24 PM [Principal1] Plumcrazy - Yes I was worried about that.

8:24 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - I can see that happening here but I do think that it is part of the process of things. My H is now out Christmas shopping for my S17. Which is nothing more than an out of the house but I flipped it around on him... as you know from reading my email.

8:24 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy good for a laugh. my girls have declared tonight "blind makeover night" one is blindfolded giving the other a makeover. it is SO funny...I think they are expecting me to join in and I am scared.

8:25 PM [plumcrazy] JIM with what has been going on with D H has been nasty in attitude towards me. I think he is still angry. But he has been doing things around the house. Running dishwasher, putting clothes in the dryer and folding them when done. taking care of garbage

8:25 PM [boscosdad] Principal: You are, first and foremost, human. No judgments here.

8:26 PM [swan] boscosdad & lalachrissie - several of you are from the So Cal area, maybe you could have a few mini-retreat's or at least a dinner to two together.

8:26 PM [lalachrissie] swan I love it here. I have full ocean view from Malibu all the way to Catalina island. makes for a great sunset

8:26 PM [plumcrazy] Lalachrissie ---That sounds like fun. Grown women would enjoy that to Then take pics . Could be fun

8:26 PM [boscosdad] I'd like to do that. I'm sorry I got depressed during last one. I thought those days were gone.

8:27 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - yes, I thought that was very good thinking on your part.

8:27 PM [Principal1] boscosdad - Thanks, that one thing of totally come to grips with these last few years, my humanity. But, I've also come to realize even more how much God loves with me through my imperfections!!!

8:27 PM [boscosdad] Jim: Oh! Kind of like me! :-)

8:32 PM Jim: boscosdad at :27, almost every woman misunderstands the midlife crisis husband - he wants a relief from the stress - but the midlife wife takes it as a personal rejection of her. To ALL THE WOMEN IN THE ROOM - listen carefully to Boscosdad - it isn't a rejection of the wife when the husband wants to go live in his cave away from everyone.

8:27 PM [lalachrissie] swan I'm all for a mini retreat! I couldn't make the OC retreat b/c I didn't have childcare. just didn't work out.

8:27 PM [lalachrissie] still- hi!

8:28 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - @24 - how fun! You should take pictures after!

8:28 PM [Still] Lalachrissie, Hi! How are you?

8:28 PM [boscosdad] Swan: How would we do a mini-retreat?

8:28 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy I’m scared to!!

8:28 PM [swan] lalachrissie @27 - I am kind of kidding about a mini-retreat, however, you could all get together for dinner.

8:28 PM [lalachrissie] Still I'm good. Nice to "see" you. How are you?

8:29 PM Jim: ALL - as you know, our newest book, "YOUR HUSBAND'S MIDLIFE CRISIS" has been out now for about a month. I would be grateful if we can encourage any of you to write a book review on the Amazon website. Reviews cause the book to be moved up in the Amazon ranking so that people see it as a book that is likely to be more valuable to them. When it was first released, it was ranked about 900,000. If a ton of reviews come in - it will help sales to pick up and it will probably be ranked below 50,000. So your reviews could be a big help to women who are wondering what to do. Let me thank you in advance.

8:29 PM [plumcrazy] JIM---I have been controlling my mouth and not reacting to H's comments. People here say I am doing a good job. I guess I finally got it. Was praying in the car tonight while waiting for H that God would lead H's heart to forgive my past and remove it from his memory. to heal H's heart

8:32 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :29, I'm proud of you and everyone else in the chat room cheers you on.

8:29 PM [swan] boscosdad @28 - those of you in that area would contact each other and arrange to meet, dinner, an overnight yak session, whatever you wanted.

8:30 PM [Still] Hepsy, Hey, you! I am doing well. Praying for you each day. What's going on with you?

8:30 PM [boscosdad] Plum: Duct tape is on sale at Home Depot!

8:30 PM [lalachrissie] boscosdad where in southern ca?

8:30 PM [boscosdad] Swan: How many of us are there?

8:30 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - my h just called. Totally different sounding from last night. Remember I told you he sounded in good spirits? Well, he is back to his slurred speech, obvious intoxicated - sounds like a robot - monotone..

8:30 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim @29 - I will review it... just finished it tonight. Reading when your mate wants out next.

8:33 PM Jim: Lil2Spunki at :30, when you finished "When Your Mate Wants Out" - it would also be helpful for us to have a review in Amazon for that book, so it's ratings continue to stay high.

8:31 PM [sbky] plumcrazy. what about forgiving yourself and remove it from yours?

8:31 PM [swan] boscosdad @30 off the top of my head about five or six.

8:31 PM [boscosdad] lala: I'm in Torrance.

8:31 PM [lalachrissie] boscosdad I’m in Hermosa. my office is in Torrance

8:31 PM [Principal1] plum crazy - what do you need forgiveness for

8:31 PM [boscosdad] Swan: Let's get the ball rolling. I could use some face time. Chat is a bit cumbersome for me.

8:31 PM [dogwood] Jim-- will do it. thanks for letting us know about how it works at AMAZON

8:34 PM Jim: dogwood at :31, please look at any of the books that are under the Conway name with Sally, Jim, or Jan. Reviews would help them to be looked at more quickly by people that are seeking help.

8:32 PM [swan] Jim - I will order one and write a review, it should take me a couple days to read it (again), but I'm in.

8:32 PM [doveseyes] Jim..will do

8:32 PM [boscosdad] Plum: My mouth has gotten me in more trouble than you can imagine!

8:32 PM [swan] lalachrissie @32 - I will do that.

8:32 PM [hepsy] still - no change.. my h is out of town. I was kind of looking forward to the break. However, my stomach is in distress - not sure what the deal is but it is painful. Sooo.. so much for enjoying my alone time. How is your h behaving?

8:33 PM [dogwood] I’m-- what should be my response when H says that he likes the lifestyle of being free from marriage tie that allows him to have girl friends.

8:35 PM Jim: dogwood @ :33, that's what you could work out with your marriage counselor and your legal consultant.

8:33 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - Oh I just wish that you could see your old H again... even if it is for just a moment. That way you get to know why you are hanging on.

8:33 PM [doveseyes] Jim..I am feeling rejection because h is dating woman after woman..and likes a couple..that's rejection...

8:36 PM Jim: doveseyes at :33, he is desperately to find something that will solve his internal pain - much like the alcoholic who thinks that the next drink will make him or her feel better. Strangely this is really a good sign that he is dissatisfied.

8:33 PM [hepsy] Jim - is your book a complete makeover from the old one or is it just a new reprint?

8:37 PM Jim: hepsy at :33, it is a complete makeover, I spent about 3 years reworking it. It needed to be brought into the current time with pornography and such going on now.

8:33 PM [Still] Hepsy, oops. I am sorry you are not feeling well. My H attended Bible Study tonight. I was very surprised. He has missed 8 weeks of church and the last few Bible Studies. It was nice to have him come with us.

8:33 PM [plumcrazy] DOVESEYES ---When did you sneak in ?

8:34 PM [doveseyes] between chocolate chip cookies and party mix...ha ha

8:34 PM [hepsy] still - that's awesome! What praise! How has his attitude been at home? Still on the couch I suppose?

8:34 PM [Principal1] Welcome doveseyes

8:34 PM [boscosdad] Dove: There's more to worry about if he only dates one woman. He can't fine what he thinks he wants.

8:34 PM [Still] Hepsy, Still on the couch. I have remained in the MBR. He is mostly quiet, but occasionally speaks to me. No anger at all.

8:35 PM [doveseyes] bosco..h likes them all

8:35 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - I am taking the books to my pastor as well. I really think that there needs to be awareness. If I wasn't the woman that I am, I would have not dug for information on MLC.

8:37 PM Jim: Lil2Spunki at :35, I think we're going to have to put you on our staff as a publicity agent!

8:35 PM [lalachrissie] Lil2Spunki I prayed that for hepsy the other night

8:35 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - I wish that as well. I was moved by the fact that your h still shows emotions like crying. Mine does not..

8:35 PM [boscosdad] ALL; When a Mate Wants Out is essential, I think.

8:35 PM [plumcrazy] JIM I am finding it easier to let things go. Do not feel the overwhelming compulsion to have to say something. Have been reading a lot of scripture listening to gospel music and reading Love and Respect

8:38 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :35, I think I need you to be on staff as well, and just keep coaching women about what works for you, will also work for them.

8:36 PM [Still] Hepsy, I have this really strong sense of peace....almost like I have finally let go of my H. God needs to work on him and I just need to get out of the way.

8:36 PM [hepsy] still - I am glad you are still in mbr. Did you get your d's room finished?

8:36 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - my H is in some kind of funk. I am going to try to get him back on the St. Johns Wort to ease his stresses.

8:36 PM [Still] Hepsy, funny you remember about her room. No, I finished my son's, but she is still deciding on what she wants.

8:36 PM [lalachrissie] Still no more divorce talk? I saw that today. this is good.

8:36 PM [Lil2Spunki] lalachrissie - Keep praying for hepsy. God will listen to us

8:36 PM [Principal1] plumcrazy-I love that book, I gave a copy to all my sisters and brother-in-laws last year. Every couple should read it

8:36 PM [hepsy] Still - that is growth.. I am kind of in that same place.. not in the pit like before.

8:37 PM [Lil2Spunki] All - if you are going to do some sort of mini retreat, who is going to come dig me out of the snow banks of Minnesota...lol.

8:37 PM [Still] Lalachrissie, Yes....no more divorce talk since before Thanksgiving and no more working on the rental. Not sure what to make of it.

8:37 PM [doveseyes] Jim...that is strange...its killing my kids..its killing all of us..hard time of year...

8:39 PM Jim: doveseyes at :37, it is totally totally totally unfair, and God hates it even more than you do. This is an important time to regroup with your children to minimize their pain and confusion by explaining to them that their dad is going through a midlife crisis, and he is extremely confused. There is a 1 chapter at the end of "Men In Midlife Crisis" is written to coach children how they can help.

8:37 PM [hepsy] still - well I remember that was one of the reasons she wanted to have her room back to herself and wanted to paint it different, etc..

8:38 PM [Still] Hepsy, you are right. She is just liking having her own room....though I do find her migrating to mine from time to time.

8:38 PM [sbky] all I want to share what a friend told me today. we was talking about my situation. she said you know I am proud of you. I said. no I thought most people think I am crazy. she said " I don’t think you are crazy, I am proud of you , u are first a mother and that is more important to you than anything" went on to say she couldn’t do what I have done. being nice and stuff

8:38 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - Well I am a real estate agent. Marketing is in my blood

8:41 PM Jim: Lil2Spunki at :38, I am serious when I say that your experience can be a giant help to women all over the world. Consider writing something about your experience which we could put up on the website.

8:38 PM [doveseyes] Jim..h just keeps praising these ow...its sick and weird

8:38 PM [hepsy] Jim - I see. I have a copy of your old one - my counselor gave it to me - and it is very old looking. I will looking forward to reading your new one.

8:39 PM [plumcrazy] JIM----Thank you so much for the compliment!!!! That means so MUCH coming from you!!!:}

8:39 PM [Lil2Spunki] sbky - Praises to you. Sometimes we just need simple affirmations from someone other than our H's. You deserve it.

8:39 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - will he be receptive to taking it? St. Johns Wort, I mean.

8:40 PM jim: This is Lisa, MLD office manager. If you feel you didn’t get enough time with Jim in the room today, or have a private question you don’t wish to discuss here, please consider scheduling a 1-on-1 phone counseling session with Jim. Call/email us at 714-768-1777 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to set up a session. I’ll go over the suggested donation and provide you with ways to make the most of your time during the private call. I’ll need a list of dates/times that work for you to compare to Jim’s schedule and let you know the best one. When it’s time for the session, Jim calls you on the phone number of your choice. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to donate to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you.

8:40 PM [sbky] Lil2Spunki thanks.. she talking about a couple that when they broke up , he brought the gf to games and stuff. I said I know them and they are one reason I do what I do. seeing that couples kids and how hurt they was when gf was there

8:40 PM [lalachrissie] Still I know it's hard but staying in the house, I think, is a step forward. moving out is a step into the tunnel. I think it's easier to know where they are. the not knowing is hard. I think my h was here today (in the garage) looking for his dirt bike gear. I think he forgot it's in the laundry room in his gear box...

8:41 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - I actually had him started on it before. I think that I am going to just pack it in his lunch box with his other vitamins and put a little note on it. We will see.

8:41 PM [hepsy] still - my d will be home from college on Friday. She sleeps with me in the mbr now. She has a lovely room upstairs, but I think she likes to keep me company.

8:41 PM [doveseyes] Jim at 39..ok..I can try...actually its better because no anger from h...I wish I had a switch to shut off my emotions...aughhhh

8:43 PM Jim: doveseyes at :41, remember that midlife crisis is a process where everyone is being changed by this stressful event - so God is going to help you surrender these painful emotions to Him more quickly.

8:41 PM [Still] Hepsy, that is sweet about your daughter. My adult daughter worries a lot about me and likes to be close when she is home.

8:41 PM [Principal1] Are you talking about a mini retreat in California

8:42 PM [boscosdad] Principal: I am, yes.

8:42 PM [doveseyes] Jim...what is the main reason you have found that mlc don't return back to their mate

8:44 PM Jim: doveseyes at :42, generally I find that if there is sufficient growth in both the husband and wife, they will be back together again. Often the mate left at home quits too early and blames all of the problem on the mate who has run away - remember that 2 people have to change, and when both people change, they are likely to fall in love again.

8:42 PM [dogwood] Still-- I need to learn more of "let go"; most of my relatives and friends wants me to "let go of H". I found myself missing not having him. and still in denial. could not accept the fact that he has wanted to leave for many years but lacked courage to tell me.

8:42 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - I remember 3 years ago my h tried to take 5-htp for sleep.. not sure who told him about it. He stopped after awhile. He needs to take something other than alcohol!!

8:42 PM [plumcrazy] Principal----How is your weather right now?

8:42 PM [swan] boscosdad @41 - will do, like I said maybe you all could get together for dinner or just chatting, I think lalachrissie said something about sunset and wine, (no wine for you) at her house.

8:42 PM [Principal1] Still - my daughter is very protective of me also

8:43 PM [boscosdad] Plum: Weather was 78 and clear today.

8:43 PM [Principal1] plumcrazy - winter storms, school was closed

8:43 PM [doveseyes] dogwood..I can amen that..I look stupid not wanting to let go...

8:43 PM [plumcrazy] Principal ---We are expecting snow tomorrow and tonight Not supposed to be much though

8:44 PM [boscosdad] Swan: More like “whine" for me!

8:44 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy I think my h was here today. we were running late this morning and at 8:30am the garage was open. D12 didn't see his car or him, but he's the only person who has a key.

8:44 PM [sbky] plumcrazy I have 9 inches of snow

8:44 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - Well, let's do this. I am so very faithful that God will eventually restore my marriage. Save that time for when my husband and I come through this. I know that we are just supposed to take care of ourselves right now but I think that somewhere in there I do have a responsibility to educate myself on my H's behalf. I am only 6 months from 1st bomb drop so I don't know how useful I would be at this point.

8:46 PM Jim: Lil2Spunki at :44, remember that people who visit our site are in various stages of this crisis - so any coaching you give will be helpful. Keep it as focused as possible, and think about the possibility of including your name and your picture.

8:44 PM [swan] boscosdad @44 - I am laughing so hard if I were drinking milk it would be shooting out my nose!!

8:44 PM [lalachrissie] boscosdad I did say wine & sunset, but we can do kool-aid and sunset.

8:44 PM [plumcrazy] Dogwood--I find it helpful not to discuss my marriage much with people who don’t understand. They mean well but it bothers me to hear them be negative

8:44 PM [boscosdad] Swan: GREAT visual!

8:45 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - well, let’s hope it was him and not an intruder - didn't you just have an attempted break-in?

8:45 PM [plumcrazy] Sbky----9 inch in ky?

8:45 PM [lalachrissie] Principal1 you're in southern cal?

8:45 PM [wiffe] Hi all

8:45 PM [doveseyes] Jim..some days I do well..others it is horrible..I keep watching h go into his own world more and more..we don't ever see him..we are making new memories without him..and so is he..I just don't see how this can ever be restored..yes..I am discouraged...aughhh soo..Jim at 44..if I change and my h doesn't..game over?

8:49 PM Jim: doveseyes at :45, whatever growing and changing you do in your life, will not only be a positive thing in your life, but will also be a help to many other people. Almost always when a husband sees his wife changing, at first he is angry because he wonders why she didn't change earlier before things came to a crisis. But nevertheless, he is impressed and grateful, and it causes him to look again at this changing person.

8:45 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - Also, I don't want to be overly forward but I know that there is a calling in here for me somewhere. I just have not refined what it is. If that makes sense

8:52 PM Jim: Lil2Spunki at :45, keep listening to God because it also seems to me that God may have a calling in this for you as well. Let's talk some more by email.

8:45 PM [swan] boscosdad @44 — Just for you, hey my inner Marine kicks in every now and again and I get a little tactless, what can I say!

8:45 PM [sbky] plumcrazy yes and maybe 1 to 2 more tonight

8:45 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy yes. but the garage has a master lock that needs a key to open

8:45 PM [lalachrissie] wiffe hi

8:46 PM [Principal1] lalachrissie - I'm in Michigan

8:46 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - if he were there, what do you think he was doing?

8:46 PM [doveseyes] jim.44..I understand. aughhhhh

8:47 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy heard he might go dirt bike riding with the friend that was in an the accident. others have reached out to make plans for this sat. I have the dirt bike & all the gear...it will be interesting to see if he goes. my sister's h is going. might be awkward for my h

8:47 PM [doveseyes] Jim..also h keeps calling all his ow "friends"..what’s up with that?

8:52 PM Jim: doveseyes at :47, your husband is very confused and wants to keep all of his options open.

8:47 PM [Lil2Spunki] Jim - let me pray on what I want and need to say.

8:52 PM Jim: Lil2Spunki at :47, I'm glad to hear you were praying about this.

8:48 PM [Lil2Spunki] hepsy - Is your H still taking sleeping pills? Do you think that he is using the alcohol to sleep at this point?

8:48 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy think he was looking for the Rubbermaid tote with his gear/helmet, boots, pants, etc. it's in the laundry room though. not the garage

8:49 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy your h is not drinking and taking sleeping pills, is he? that's such a dangerous combination.

8:49 PM [dogwood] Jim-- How to change if H shows disgust when I shift to something of his interests (e.g. sports) and he actually got up and ran away to watch his games at his friend's house when I tried to watch it with him in the same room

8:53 PM Jim: dogwood at :49, remember that the changes are not to win your husband back, but to eliminate character defects in you which could be irritating to many people.

8:49 PM [Lil2Spunki] lalachrissie - We should just gang up in prayer over hepsy's H's drinking. He won't know what hit him.

8:50 PM [plumcrazy] Lil2Spunki----What a wonderful idea!!!!

8:50 PM [swan] Lil2Spunki @49 - you lead the prayer and I will stand in agreement!

8:51 PM [Lil2Spunki] swan - Let's do it. Mind if I say it on chat?

8:51 PM [Principal1] I will pray tonight also

8:51 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie/Lil2Spunki - no he doesn't take sleeping pills. I wish he would, instead of drinking - maybe it would help him. Funny he is worried about sleeping pills, or eating sweets, yet he abuses alcohol. Makes no sense!

8:51 PM [doveseyes] Jim at 48..thats good..you make things sound so simple...and logical

8:54 PM Jim: doveseyes at :51, sometimes midlife men become identified as sex addicts, getting involved with pornography, other women, etc. Often this is an attempt to find out who they are and it clearly is showing the confusion they're going through.

8:52 PM [plumcrazy] Lil2spunki--we say prayer here all the time

8:52 PM [lalachrissie] Lil2Spunki ok...I m all for it. no more drinking for Mr. hepsy!!1

8:52 PM [swan] Lil2Spunki @ go ahead, just please keep it short or wait until Jim is done at the top of the hour so it doesn't move too many lines and he misses something someone asks since we only get to view 100 lines in the screen.

8:52 PM [plumcrazy] Hi Mariposa

8:52 PM [mariposa] Hello everyone !!

8:53 PM [doveseyes] Jim...u mean by dating all the ow?

8:53 PM [Lil2Spunki] swan - let me know when you are ready

8:53 PM [doveseyes] Jim..is that what you mean by options open?

8:55 PM Jim: doveseyes at :53, he doesn't want to lose you, but at the same time, if things don't change enough, he wants to have other options available. I'm sorry, it's so sad to that.

8:53 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy not mixing is good. I was scared for a minute

8:53 PM [plumcrazy] Hey KM2---How are you? Been thinking about you

8:53 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie/Lil2Spunki - you girls are just too much! I am laughing!

8:53 PM [boscosdad] Hepsy: If he's taking a benzodiazepine to sleep, it can be worse than alcohol.

8:54 PM [dogwood] Jim-- that is good to know,

8:54 PM [Principal1] Amen! It is not to win him back. It took me awhile to understand it is about me and asking God to work on me.

8:54 PM [boscosdad] lala and others: I'll be waiting to hear from those of you who want a mini retreat.

8:54 PM [hepsy] boscosdad - he was given a prescription for ambient - but only took it a couple of times. He went through a sleep clinic and they diagnosed him with severe sleep apnea. Of course, he doesn't believe them.

8:55 PM [swan] Lil2Spunki @53 - Jim usually wraps up around the top of the hour, so any time after that would be fine.

8:55 PM [KM2] Jim - I popped in a couple of weeks ago and asked for some guidance regarding this roller coaster ride my wife continues to take with regard to our relationship. Just recently she gave me the thumbs up on coming to live up in CT with her and my daughters. That has since changed. What counsel could you give me in dealing with someone who has the traits of a bipolar personality.

8:57 PM Jim: KM2 at :55, it's very difficult in the chat room to make any diagnosis about whether your wife is bipolar or not. That would have to be done by a trained therapist, and any medications prescribed by a medical doctor. For now, don't get caught up in her rollercoaster ride. Stay steady with God, keep changing and growing, be flexible.

8:55 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I have to ask God to show me what need to be changed

8:58 PM Jim: dogwood at :55, God will show you as you continue to have a quiet time with Him every day.

8:55 PM [boscosdad] Hepsy: I had severe sleep apnea, and eventually had surgery for it. Is your H overweight?

8:55 PM [boscosdad] Hepsy: I had severe sleep apnea, and eventually had surgery for it. Is your H overweight?

8:56 PM [boscosdad] Hepsy: Ambient never worked on me.

8:56 PM [hepsy] km2 - I am sorry to hear about your wife's change of heart. I thought you had already interviewed for a job and were in the process of moving.

8:56 PM [KM2] Just a month she told me she wasn't coming back to TX. which is when I offered to go to Ct. which she thought was a good idea. Just this past week she said we should pray as to whether or not I should come up there or she return here to TX. Her current environment living with her family is poisonous. .

8:57 PM [swan] dogwood @55 - after asking, we really need to be still and listen for God's soft and gentle voice, I know this one was hard for me to learn, but once I did, I started hearing the Lord's direction for my life more.

8:57 PM [doveseyes] Jim..amen to confusion...sometimes I think I don't know how much more I can take...but I take...I really appreciate your counsel and wisdom..I want to try and schedule a phone session...just scared. I might end up owing you thousands and thousands of dollars...ha ha..I could talk with you for hours..

8:57 PM [hepsy] boscosdad - no, he is not - perhaps he could lose a little around his middle. I think the alcohol contributes to his sleep problems. he drinks so he can sleep, and so he doesn't have to feel anything.

8:57 PM [KM2] Hepsy - I was, but her mind changes every other day. It appears to me she is very unstable and not in a place where she is able to receive any Godly counsel. Quite frankly it’s sad. And worst of all, she continues to walk in sin and pride with regard to her own choices.

8:58 PM [plumcrazy] KM2---Don’t give up !!! I am sure your wife got SCARED when she realized you were serious and it was a real possibility you would move to CT. Right now she doesn’t have to deal with you in person

8:58 PM [hepsy] boscosdad - did the surgery help you?

8:58 PM [dogwood] swan--I wish God would give me special unmistaken message-- I am so hard of hearing

8:58 PM [hepsy] km2 - I am sorry to hear that. Does this mean you will not be moving? I know you wanted to be closer to your daughters.

8:58 PM [boscosdad] Hepsy: Then it is congenital. I was always thin, but snored up a storm.

8:59 PM [dogwood] I’m-- I will have to learn that, I have always had some quiet time, but now, with depression hits in, it is difficult to do so.

8:59 PM [Principal1] Dogwood - Sometimes we are all hard headed. Just keep your heart open and keep listening

8:59 PM [boscosdad] Hepsy: Surgery was like night and day, all\though I have no reports on my snoring (or lack thereof) because wife left right after. It also cured most of my allergies.

9:00 PM [KM2] Jim - The problem is she says she wants me to come up. I then start moving my life in that direction and next thing you know it’s all changed. as far as the bipolar comment, that was something my counselor actually mentioned given the extreme emotions my w continues to express. One, another thing. I know I need to stay focused on God, how do you practically deal with some that appears to be so emotionally unstable and attaching all her issues to me.

9:01 PM Jim: KM2 at :00, keep connecting with her, but don't assume that one positive experience means that you should move across the country to be near her.

9:00 PM [hepsy] boscosdad - yes, well, my h never snored before. Then when this mlc hit and he started drinking more, he snored like something awful. I had to get earplugs (when he used to sleep in our bed) and it still didn't shut out the sound.

9:00 PM [plumcrazy] Principal1---we have missed your great advice PLEASE don’t stay away from chat anymore. !!!!

9:00 PM [swan] dogwood @58 - there are times I ask the Lord to take the special 2x4 and give me a good smack because my eyes are covered with scales, it might take a few days of quiet time with Him and His Word, but I do eventually see/hear. Charlyne Steinkamp used to ask God to write it on the wall for her. Sometimes we just don't see it at first, patience does pay off when talking with God.

9:01 PM [boscosdad] KM2: I don't advise any hasty moves to save the marriage. I did it and ruined myself.

9:01 PM [boscosdad] KM2: God is no respecter of distance.

9:02 PM [boscosdad] KM2: I meant physical , geographic moves

9:02 PM [KM2] Lets face, were all sinners and in need of God’s grace and mercy. Apparently my wife doesn’t see it that way. She’s the victim and that’s that.

9:02 PM Jim: ALL: Goodnight. See you next week.

9:02 PM [plumcrazy] Hey SWAN---You may be able to take my name off the special 2x4 you have for me soon!!!!

9:02 PM [sbky] Jim night

9:02 PM [boscosdad] God bless you, Jim!

9:02 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy ugh h is emailing me asking to come get his bike & gear!!

9:02 PM [KM2] Hepsy. I want to but the timing is not right.

9:02 PM [dogwood] Jim-- good night, take a good rest after your procedure

9:03 PM [swan] KM2 @01 boscosdad is so true, Tom Bearry moved to Germany, then Florida and after he was done running, he landed right back in Texas with his wife and sons.

9:03 PM [doveseyes] good night Jim..hope you are being good so Santa will bring you a good present

9:03 PM [doveseyes] good night all

9:03 PM [Principal1] God bless everyone!!!

9:03 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - and are you thinking "and why should I do that/"

9:03 PM [plumcrazy] Doveseyes are you leaving?

9:04 PM [KM2] Ladies. Can you give me any insight into the extreme emotions my wife is demonstrating. One day expressing how special the things I' m doing to be the bad guy the next day. And that based on us being 1700 miles apart.

9:04 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy they are his. I hope he's super uncomfortable for him. asked him to come when I’m not here

9:04 PM [swan] Lil2spunki - now would be a good time for your prayer

9:04 PM [Lil2Spunki] All - Heavenly Father we would like to pray for all those that come to chat tonight. Specifically we would pray for Hepsy's husband. Please help him find his course back to you, to turn away from Satan's bottle and find the joy and peace that he once had in his marriage. We would like for you to put your blessing on Hepsy for standing for her Husband. We hope that she will go away this evening feeling the love and support of her friends. In your son Jesus Christ's name we pray. Amen

9:05 PM [swan] All - @04 I stand in agreement in prayer. Also let's continue to keep hepsy lifted in prayer this coming week.

9:05 PM [plumcrazy] KM2---that is just part of the ROLLERCOASTER ride Doesn’t necessarily mean she is bi-polar

9:05 PM [plumcrazy] AMEN!!!!

9:05 PM [wiffe] km2 I see that with my H all the time right now. It is frustrating.

9:05 PM [hepsy] lalachrissie - sorry I misread - thought you said he was asking YOU to get it for him. ha. oops

9:06 PM [swan] plumcrazy - Keep growing in the Lord and I'll use that 2x4 for firewood! Yeah!!

9:06 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy no, he wants to come by to get it. I think I’m going to tell him Friday night cuz I’m out

9:06 PM [plumcrazy] WIFFE---Give us an update on what is going on with your family right now

9:06 PM [wiffe] plumcrazy I don’t know where to begin it seems I've been away a bit. Had a few busy weekends and no time to chat

9:07 PM [KM2] I must admit, I'm getting ready to throw in the towel. I don't think I can take this roller coaster on and off rejection for much longer.

9:07 PM [plumcrazy] SWAN---I hope Principal comes back. I was sorry to hear she wondered how we would handle her dating

9:07 PM [hepsy] Lil2Spunki - thank you so much for the sweet prayer. If you don't mind, please pray that this stomach distress is improved by tomorrow. I have been in terrible pain today.

9:07 PM [lisak] Thanks for being here today everyone. Remember - if you find yourself hurting during this holiday time of year, please reach out and help someone in need, volunteer through your church, or a local shelter. You'll feel needed and wanted and very appreciated as you bless others, in fact - you're the one that will be blessed in the end.

9:07 PM [sbky] km2 I have been there time after time after time. give it God . he will take you through it

9:08 PM [Lil2Spunki] All - I am going to head out. D is waiting to use the computer. You all have a good night!

9:08 PM [dogwood] hepsy-- Will certainly pray for you and H tonight. Your H is a Christian, God will never let him lost.

9:08 PM [plumcrazy] Hepsy---Will do!!!

9:08 PM [KM2] All - And through it all, my wife seems to care so little about the quality of my relationship with my daughters. That relationship is slowly dying.

9:08 PM [hepsy] thank you dogwood - and I will be praying for you and for your husband..

9:09 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy night. I will include you in my prayers tonight as we;;

9:09 PM [hepsy] all - I am going to go now.. it was wonderful as always chatting with you all - I am feeling like you are my 2nd family... Sleep well..

9:09 PM [KM2] sbky - I give it to him every day, and while there are times I find the peace of God, it hurts to be abandoned by my family. My daughters are like different people.

9:09 PM [plumcrazy] ALL----I am asking for continued prayer for my D and her behavior and health

9:09 PM [hepsy] thanks lalachrissie - will be praying for you also..

9:09 PM [wiffe] Let's see. Spent Thanksgiving together. Went to SANTA parade, then the next week I started counseling with the pastor H is going to, the next night we went to the concert at church. Also found out he met with OUR pastor. (not sure what was said). Then Saturday I had my race, Sunday we took D ice skating and he even paid. Oh and that Saturday of my race we went to his apt for dinner. Then we had a few days of him not showing anything (grrrr) and then Saturday we went and got the Christmas tree. He stayed for dinner. Sunday I invited him to decorate (had to let it dry out from the rain) and he came over and even bought us dinner. He even stayed for dinner tonight.

9:09 PM [lalachrissie] hepsy thank you

9:09 PM [lalachrissie] all- goodnight

9:10 PM [wiffe] I got to counseling on Thursday and have no clue on my "homework"

9:10 PM [sbky] km2 when I thought I couldn’t go any farther

9:10 PM [sbky] God has showed me what to do

9:10 PM [plumcrazy] WIFFE--Don worry about the few days H was not around. They often retreat after getting closer to us. They get scared and run

9:10 PM [KM2] Thank you all for being there. May God bless you and keep you this week.

9:11 PM [dogwood] wiffe-- So happy for you, thanks for sharing

9:11 PM [wiffe] plumcrazy Well he was here since he has to come here Monday through Friday

9:11 PM [wiffe] OH and on the drive to church he invited me to a basketball game in Feb.

9:12 PM [plumcrazy] WIFFE----That is encouraging!!!

9:12 PM [wiffe] all- BTW I can't spell the.    I type to fast and almost always misspell it.

9:12 PM [KM2] Hopefully I will be able to catch up with you all on Wed. Since I came in kind of late, is there anything I can pray for this week for any of you?

9:13 PM [plumcrazy] KM2---Can you say some prayers for healing of my foot and knee they are bothering me a lot

9:13 PM [plumcrazy] healing I meant KM2

9:14 PM [KM2] Plumcrazy - I certainly will!!! I knew that. Miss chatting with you.

9:14 PM [lisak] Goodnight everyone. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. :o)

9:14 PM [sbky] night all

9:14 PM [KM2] and lean not on your own understanding....

9:14 PM [plumcrazy] Goodnight KM2 Take care

9:15 PM [plumcrazy] Goodnight Lisa ----Take care

9:15 PM [dogwood] Lisak-- good night

9:15 PM [KM2] Goodnight all. And God bless each of you this week with healing, strength and courage to continue the battle.

9:15 PM [plumcrazy] Goodnight Everyone Take care

9:16 PM [swan] Goodnight all, see you Wednesday evening

8:07 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I am doing worse lately, feeling down more and more, I guess because of H's BD before he left earlier this month. He told me that he is planning to move out. I just feel so afraid all the time whenever that thought comes to me. He apparently has planned for a while, waiting to the end of the year when the income tax joint filing ends in Dec. I am afraid of won't be able to handle it. I did try to read John where I like the WORD becomes flesh, dwell among us. I thought that I really need the WORD to be flesh to me... in the morning as soon as I wake up, the cold chill goes through my spine, fear arises, can't read the scripture well.

8:12 PM Jim: dogwood at :07, whenever fear gets to us - we need to make positive choices to do what is good for us, such as reading the scriptures, even if we don't feel like it, or at the beginning if we don't feel anything is happening. In my own life, daily reading has a cumulative effect and continues to stabilize me. So keep at it. Also reach out to several people asking them to pray for you.

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