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October 18, 2010 / with Jim Conway

8:51 PM [KM2] Jim - question for you. my w and I have been separated now for 7 1/2 months. over the past several months, she has shown a real interest in reconciliation, however without ever really saying it. Much like a roller coaster. Would welcome and feedback you could provided.

8:55 PM Jim: KM2 at: 51, I hope that you can come to the retreat. (see front page of www.midlife.com) It is very positive that your wife is beginning to test the water about a possible reconciliation - let her set the pace.

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You have entered CR#2, Monday Chat with Jim at 6 pm PST.

8:00 PM [lisak] Hi Chat Room Guests. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I enjoy serving the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through the tough times of midlife crisis. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to make a tax-deductible donation to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you. Jim will be online with us momentarily, he will read your questions and dictate his replies to me so I can type them for you to read. Jim has time for all questions that are posted before the end of the hour. Thanks for understanding.

8:04 PM [Jim] Hi everyone. I'm looking forward to see all of you, or most of you, at the Chat Room Retreat in just a few weeks now. I hope that you can make it out to Yorba Linda, CA. November 5-7. It will also be exciting to have Bill and Pam Farrel at our retreat on Sunday. So, what would you all like to talk about today?

8:05 PM [plumcrazy] JIM--Today is H's 50th B-day Didn’t want presents So everyone just gave him cards. I also made his favorite dessert from his home country. 1st time I made it turned our pretty good.

8:07 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :05, this sounds very promising - typical responses for someone trying to work their way back to the relationship.

8:07 PM [hepsy] hi still!

8:07 PM [Free to fly] Jim: Wish I could make it but it’s just too far for me to travel

8:08 PM Jim: Free to fly at :07, it's only about 7 hours by air. :o)

8:07 PM [lalachrissie] Jim- what are some ways to give positive affirmations with limited/no contact?

8:09 PM Jim: lalachrissie at :07, start making a habit of giving everyone affirmations, so that when the opportunity arises with your husband, you'll be automatically ready.

8:07 PM [Still] Hi hepsy. How are you tonight?

8:08 PM [hepsy] still - doing ok. what about you? how is h treating you so far this week?

8:08 PM [Free to fly] Hey Plum/Hepsy

8:08 PM [plumcrazy] JIM--I said I made a special dessert Do you want to try it? H said "No you and the kids can have it. I slipped and said " I made it special for your b-day though. H said "Remember I don’t celebrate my b-day" I said Well I made "Ras Malia" if you want to try it.

8:10 PM Jim: plumcrazy :08 - You did good.

8:09 PM [Free to fly] Jim: Wow only:)

8:11 PM Jim: Free to fly at :09, when Jan and I leave No. Michigan to teach in Hawaii, it takes us 23 hours from the time we leave Michigan, until we get to Hawaii.

8:09 PM [Still] Hepsy, I actually had a good weekend. He was very civil almost the whole time. Even laughed at a couple of jokes. Told me where he was going. He started working on the rental projects. Today he is more withdrawn, but I am thankful for the good stuff.

8:09 PM [hepsy] free to fly - hi there

8:09 PM [swan] plumcrazy @:08 - you got to get better about getting your hand over your mouth before the words come out

8:10 PM [plumcrazy] Swan--I know I really wanted him to try the dessert though. I was afraid if I didn’t tell him it was his favorite dessert from home he wouldn’t even try it

8:11 PM [bittersweet] Hello

8:11 PM [hepsy] still - do you think on Mondays he is worse? I feel like my h is.. He hates his job, so I think that after having the weekend free then going back to the daily grind, it makes him more irritable.

8:12 PM [Free to fly] Jim: Seems as though H is doing everything to make me think he just wants out. Yet when the kids ask him to buy me a present he doesn't have a problem is that just to make them happy?

8:14 PM Jim: Free to fly at :12, remember that midlife is a very confusing time, and he doesn't want to give you much hope until he is really sure that things have changed enough in both of you so that the relationship could work.

8:13 PM [Still] Hepsy, Monday is our Bible Study night so he usually isn't too bad. He is such a workaholic that even his weekends are filled with work projects. I think work gives him the distraction he wants.

8:13 PM [wiffe] Hi all

8:13 PM [swan] plumcrazy @:10 - Come on! He knows what his favorite dessert looks like, leave it were he will see it with a note that says "enjoy, wanted to try this and it turned out pretty good".

8:14 PM [Free to fly] Jim: 23 hours is a long time, you guys must have major jet lag.

8:15 PM Jim: Free to fly at :14, we fly about 75,000 miles a year - so I guess we're getting tough!

8:15 PM [plumcrazy] JIM--Fri & Sat were bad days for me and H . Sun I went grocery shopping and came back. H had dried and fold one load of laundry and put the other in the dryer so he could wash his work clothes, He also swept upstairs and loaded the dishwasher. He also cleaned the ceiling fans, something he has been promising to do for quite a while. Then he cooked dinner.

8:16 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :15, if those were bad days -- when your husband did all that work, there are thousands of women around the country who would like to know your secret.

8:15 PM [hepsy] Jim - at night, before I retire to bed, I give my h a kiss - usually on lips and usually he is intoxicated so he allows it. In the morning, he comes to tell me goodbye and then he turns his cheek for me to kiss him - no lips. What's up with that? I want to say something to him but I am afraid to make him mad

8:17 PM Jim: hepsy at :15, it's probably better for awhile to just kiss him on the cheek, because he is trying to avoid too much intimacy with you.

8:16 PM [hepsy] still - is that a couple's bible study?

8:17 PM [Still] Hepsy, mostly couples. We have two that are singles, but it was a couples group for a long time. We have attended for about 5 years. We go as a family. There is a sitter for all the kids and the adults meet in a separate area.

8:17 PM [lalachrissie] all-my h's aunt called and left a message inviting the family over to dinner. I just realized she doesn't know he moved out over a month ago. should I let him know she invited us?

8:18 PM [Still] Hi Calla.

8:18 PM [Free to fly] Jim: H is now telling everyone that we have mutually agreed to get a D. That couldn't be further from the truth. Initially he was telling everyone that he was divorcing me

8:22 PM Jim: Free to fly at :18, he is hoping that by telling people that you are going to get a divorce, that it will relieve him from some of his guilt - remember that he is still confused about whether he wants to completely leave you.

8:20 PM [bittersweet] Dr. Conway: I need to ask you an important question. Now that my marriage is truly restored again to make a long story short, I was wondering how to learn to trust again because my mind is stuck in the non trusting cycle.

8:23 PM Jim: bittersweet at :20, remember that you gradually learned to trust each other in the beginning, then you gradually learned to not trust. Learning to trust again takes a period of time and repeated evidence that you can trust each other - keep trusting God in this process above all.

8:20 PM [plumcrazy] JIM---SUN. morning I laid my hands on H and said a prayer for him while he slept. Then all the work occurred later in the day.

8:23 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :20, all wives need to lay their hands on and pray for their husbands as they sleep.

8:20 PM [calla] Still - hi!

8:20 PM [plumcrazy] Hello Cindy

8:20 PM [swan] Free to fly - They convince themselves of this so that they don't look so bad to everyone else. My husband actually told people that I was the one who wanted the divorce, but the same people he told this, knew better and some even told him they just didn't believe that.

8:21 PM [wiffe] plum-I tried doing that today. Putting a hand on him and praying. Not sure it worked yet.

8:21 PM [cindy] hello plumcrazy and everyone

8:21 PM [hepsy] Jim - I don't know how things are supposed to get better if he continues to isolate and avoid. We rarely connect as it is.. I only see him in the am when he is leaving, then at night I try to have dinner with him - he doesn't talk at all then just watches TV.

8:24 PM Jim: hepsy at :21, during this negative time, keep working on yourself and practicing your relational skills with many other people, so that when the time comes he will be able to see that you are not just trying to manipulate him back into the marriage, but that you are really this kind of person.

8:21 PM [dogwood] Jim-- H was better for a few days but then looked so miserable and uncommunicative and depressed last two days. I wasn’t sure if I should have asked if he wanted to talk, but I did not ask. This morning, I was horrified to find him not in bed but have slept in a guest room. I asked him about it, he said that he had a bad stomach ache and also wasn't able to sleep well, being waken up in the morning by me getting ready to work. He wants to try this way to see if he can sleep better. I told him that I will get ready using another bathroom in the future that he should be able to sleep in our bed. I am very worried this is the first step toward separation the house. What should be my strategy?

8:31 PM Jim: dogwood at :21, don't let the separate bedroom cause a lot of worry for you. And especially don't act in a horrified way toward him.

8:21 PM [Free to fly] lalachrissie: That's a hard one. How's the communication between the two of you?

8:21 PM [hepsy] calla - hello there!!

8:22 PM [calla] hepsy - hi!

8:22 PM [hepsy] still - that is nice that you have a bible study together... do you feel that helps your relationship? how is h to you at the bible study?

8:22 PM [Free to fly] Swan: You're so right. The people he told this to thought it puzzling with him having lunch with the OW

8:22 PM [lalachrissie] free to fly: we only email and text, he's supposed to be stopping by to see our D9 later this week

8:22 PM [hepsy] calla - you doing ok tonight?

8:23 PM [calla] hepsy - I am completely exhausted. My D was up half the night last night sick so I was up too of course. How are you?

8:23 PM [Still] Hepsy, at this point, I don't think it has any overt impact. He is fine at Bible Study sometimes he talks, sometimes he doesn't. We did a several month relationship series. He didn't seem to apply any of it after we left. I do believe seeds are being planted...deep down.

8:24 PM [calla] Still - I am sure seeds are being planted at the Bible study.

8:24 PM [wiffe] All-H mentioned to the girls on Saturday he went to church. I hope so. This is killing me.

8:24 PM [hepsy] calla - sorry to hear that. I remember those days! It is hard when you don't get sleep. How is h treating you?

8:24 PM [Still] Jim, My H won't let me touch him. I covered him up once when he was asleep and he yelled "what are you doing!"...not sure I could pray for him and touch him.

8:28 PM Jim: still @ :24, it's best not to do things that are going to anger him - even if they are generous acts of kindness.

8:25 PM [Free to fly] lalachrissie: If it were me, and I was going to see my H before the dinner then I would tell him then, when I see him that is....

8:25 PM [doveseyes] Hello..I had a bad weekend. My H has been out of our home for a year. H wanted to go out on a date with my 22 year old son and his girlfriend and bring one of his girlfriends. My son said no ..and I was devastated. How are the kids supposed to handle my H wanting to bring a ow around?

8:25 PM [bittersweet] Plucrazy@23...I have done that a lot

8:25 PM [hepsy] still - that is true! at least h is exposed to God's word.. my h refuses to go to church anymore.. I worry he is so vulnerable to the enemy's attacks..

8:26 PM [calla] hepsy - I felt so bad for my little girl, crying and saying "I HATE this" - she felt so miserable. She is much better now, though still not well yet. My H is treating me okay. He is really, really busy with work so it is hard to gauge really but overall nothing negative, other than he is a bit more withdrawn these days. I hope and pray and actually think he is processing.

8:26 PM [Still] Jim, if they are so sure they want out, why do they stay in the home? My h says it is for the children, but it has been 2 years.

8:29 PM Jim: still at :26, often midlife men want to be away from their wives because of some irritation, but at the same time they want the stability of a home.

8:27 PM [lalachrissie] doveseyes: I think you have to let the your son handle that one. if he were younger that would be different, but your son has to set those boundaries

8:27 PM [calla] Still - I wonder about how to lay hands on my H and pray for him too since he sleeps down in the dungeon.

8:27 PM [hepsy] Jim- the other night on chat, km2 asked me what about going to my church and asking one of the elders or pastors to come and talk to h. do you think that would be a good or bad idea?

8:30 PM Jim: hepsy at :27, that's a good idea if the elder or the pastor is a friend with your husband

8:28 PM [Still] Hepsy, I asked elders from our church to talk to H. He was very offended and felt that I was disclosing our personal business. He was also very rude to them. So.....

8:28 PM [wiffe] hepsy-I know soon my church will be disciplining my H. Basically pastor and a few elders will be going to confront him about his sins (not living at home etc) and after 3 attempts we will then have to treat H as an unsaved person.

8:28 PM [Still] Calla, yes hard to reach him from the dungeon.

8:28 PM [Free to fly] lalachrissie/doveseyes: I would have to agree with you on that one. If you say anything it will all be your fault. Let your adult children tell their father what they will and will not tolerate. Of course in a respectful manner

8:29 PM [bittersweet] calla:@27...The bible says that God speaks to people in dreams and visions of the night. Ask him to go there for you.

8:30 PM [Still] Bittersweet, how long has your marriage been restored? I thought things were not going well. That is wonderful.

8:30 PM [calla] bittersweet - I like that idea. I have prayed that some before, but maybe should step it up.

8:30 PM [Free to fly] Still/calla at 28: GOD see and hears everything. Keep praying

8:30 PM [doveseyes] Jim...also what stage is my H in mlc when he has moved away...rarely contacts his kids..no contact with me..and wants to bring ow around my children?

8:32 PM Jim: doveseyes at :30, why did your husband want to be away from you in the 1st place?

8:30 PM [plumcrazy] JIM---Dani said ask God to be in every word you speak to H. You are praying god will give your H peace. It is my guess he may want to use YOU and every word you speak to HIM. What do you think of this?

8:33 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :30, dani is right on target, because God is changing both of you

8:30 PM [wiffe] ALL-I get confused/unsure of what to ask for right now.

8:31 PM [hepsy] calla/still - this whole situation is so frustrating.. I know in my head what I am supposed to do... but sometimes I just want to scream!

8:31 PM [Still] Hepsy/Calla, Sometimes I exercise very vigorously just to be able to cry and collapse afterward. It is very cathartic.

8:32 PM [calla] hepsy - my too - sometimes I have screamed.:) Really

8:32 PM [Free to fly] Jim/Swan: If he is practically living with the OW, why does she keep him on the cell phone constantly? Is that a sign of insecurity?

8:34 PM Jim: Free to fly at :32, yes, she is insecure. sometimes men are flattered by this constant attention, but soon he will begin to feel that he is being smothered 8:32 PM [calla] Still - I need to get back into the habit of exercising regularly, I have been bad about that but I know I would feel so much better.

8:32 PM [hepsy] Jim - well, 2 years ago I spoke with one of the associate pastors - he is also a friend. he spoke with my h - and then encouraged my h to get involved as a leader in the men’s bible study. My h got mad - guess he felt he wasn't being understood. He refused to talk to him anymore.

8:35 PM Jim: hepsy at :32, it doesn't sound as if the associate pastor was really being a friend and understanding your husband. Look for someone in the church who is a friend and who will also be non-judgmental.

8:32 PM [doveseyes] Jim at 32..I asked him to leave because he was dating other women..and he couldn't stop.

8:36 PM Jim: doveseyes at :32, why was your husband dating other women? For what was he compensating - what was he not getting in your marriage relationship? 8:33 PM [wiffe] free-I believe it is. I'm pretty sure ow is texting H all the time. Especially when he is here (since he has to get daughter off to and from school)

8:34 PM [wiffe] Free- I actually pray that she keeps harassing him so I don't look so bad.

8:34 PM [Free to fly] Still: Keep praying for that peace: Philippians 4:7

8:35 PM [Still] Free, I will. thank you.

8:35 PM [swan] Free to fly @:32 - the other woman is married to my husband and if he is not with her, she is constantly calling him. His secretary has complained about this, as have our children and our grandson. Ironically, I don't even live in the same state and any contact between he and I is forbidden, so I would say it is insecurity or maybe she is just lonely and wants to talk and he is who she wants to talk to.

8:35 PM [Free to fly] wiffe:    I know right?

8:35 PM [Still] Hepsy, I have some literature I would like to send to you.

8:36 PM [hepsy] still/calla - I need to get back into exercise too - get some of this internal stress out

8:36 PM [dogwood] Jim--I am amazed at your response. Thanks, I have a lot to learn. The thoughts and fear paralyzed me for the whole day.

8:36 PM Jim: To all: This is Lisa. Some of you may have not had enough personal time with Jim, or you have a very private question that you didn’t want to discuss openly in the chat room. If you'd like to schedule a phone counseling session call us at 714-768-1777.

8:37 PM [Still] Hepsy, exercise helps me so much. I NEVER exercised before my H's crisis. It gives me such peace of mind and meditation. I try to work out 6 days a week.

8:37 PM [hepsy] still - that would be great. I am collecting quite a library! lol! just last night I was reading some stuff I printed from the internet - I have 2 large notebooks full!

8:37 PM [calla] hepsy/still - I have been so busy with work and basically single parenting and all I haven't had time but now that my work has been cut (thanks to budget cuts) .. . can't use that as an excuse anymore.:)

8:37 PM [Free to fly] swan: Everyone has an issue with him on the phone. Especially his bosses. I think you are spot on with both instances.

8:38 PM [doveseyes] I was overweight..he didn't want to be seen with me. And we stopped putting each other first..also he has an addiction to sex. H can’t get intimate outside of sex

8:43 PM Jim: doveseyes at :38, how are you doing with all of these issues?

8:39 PM [hepsy] calla/still - I belong to an all woman's health club - and I love it when I go - unfortunately, it is not close by so I usually talk myself out of going just because of the drive. But that is an excuse, I know.

8:39 PM [plumcrazy] Hello faithful

8:40 PM [lalachrissie] all- thank you, have a nice evening

8:40 PM [Still] Hepsy/Calla. My exercise time is before everyone gets up. It is the only time it doesn't interview with kids' schedules, dinner, and routine stuff.

8:40 PM [faithful] Hello Plum

8:40 PM [plumcrazy] Hello KM2 ---How are things going for you?

8:40 PM [Still] Hepsy/Calla....oops "interfere"....there is no "interview" in my exercise.

8:41 PM [plumcrazy] Still--It’s Ok we figured it out.:p

8:41 PM [bittersweet] Still: I left him. Then he called and ended it with her.

8:41 PM [faithful] Jim my h actually took the kids overnight on Fri and took them to a boy scout meeting all day on Sat. I have seen him three times the last two week and it has been pleasant. I have not seen him in a year.

8:44 PM Jim: faithful at :41, I'm very encouraged with these kinds of actions. Whatever you are doing is helping him to feel more comfortable - and he is also changing.

8:41 PM [Still] Plum, my fingers jumped ahead of the brain.

8:41 PM [KM2] Hi Plumcrazy. Doing well. How about you?

8:41 PM [Still] Bittersweet, how long ago?

8:41 PM [bittersweet] Still; April

8:42 PM [hepsy] still - oh, I do not like to exercise in the a.m. - but I do enjoy my quiet time with the Lord then. I usually go in the afternoons.

8:42 PM [Still] Bittersweet, I missed this information. How are things going?

8:42 PM [plumcrazy] STILL--I type looking at my fingers so if there are typos I am typing by touch and not doing a good job

8:42 PM [hepsy] hi km2. how are you?

8:42 PM [calla] hepsy/still - I recently got Jillian Michael's 30 day shred DVD after reading good reviews but haven't started yet. Wonder if I will look better in 30 days if it sits in the closet . . .

8:43 PM [Still] Plum, I am completely in the dark on a mini laptop, so errors abound.

8:43 PM [KM2] Hi Hepsy. Doing well. What’s new with you?

8:43 PM [wiffe] calla-I have that one

8:43 PM [calla] hepsy - I can't exercise in the a.m. either - NOT a morning person!

8:43 PM [Free to fly] Jim: H is doing quite a bit of lying to the kids now they don't believe anything he tells them and so I'm left trying to keep the relationship solid

8:45 PM Jim: Free to fly at :43, it's very difficult trying to stand between everybody in a marriage - as your kids become young adults, they should be making their own decisions about both of you and the strength of your marriage. 8:43 PM [hepsy] calla - lol! I haven't heard of that one. who is that?

8:43 PM [wiffe] I wish I didn't have to see H every day. Makes when I do see him not seem special. Make sense?

8:43 PM [Still] Calla, I have had that 30 day thread in the corner for about 6 months. I am very uncoordinated. Billy Blanks nearly killed me.

8:44 PM [calla] wiffe - do you like it?

8:44 PM [doveseyes] Good..lost 50 lbs...attempting new things...but husband has his own social group now..completely cut off friends..has this ow and group of friends they both know

8:46 PM Jim: doveseyes at :44, I'm proud of you, that you lost 50 pounds, and that you are attempting new things. Are you now down within 15 pounds of your marriage weight? And are the new things you were doing - things that would be of interest or grab your husband's attention?

8:44 PM [wiffe] calla-I haven't done it. I also got a biggest loser jump start that I like better.

8:44 PM [calla] Still - I had Billy Blanks at one point but the kids were very small and I had a hard time if they were around "helping" me

8:44 PM [hepsy] km2 - doing ok.. nothing new.. same ole same ole.. h is downstairs in front of TV, usual stuff. I am upstairs chatting with all of you!

8:44 PM [wiffe] Calla-The girls will work out with me also

8:44 PM [calla] wiffe - I look forward to trying it . . . one of these days.

8:45 PM [calla] hepsy - she coaches on the Biggest Loser, I think. Supposed to be a really tough 20 minute workout

8:45 PM [Still] Calla, that is cute. What is it with kids and video aerobics? They just love to join in....any other time you have to bribe them to hang out. Put in a video and you have no room.

8:45 PM [doveseyes] faithful at 41..what help you make it through a year of no contact from your H?

8:50 PM Jim: doveseyes at :45, maybe we need to talk by phone. If we can't work in a phone call, let's be sure and talk if you come to the retreat.

8:45 PM [calla] wiffe - now my kids are in school full time so that should be my time!:)

8:46 PM [KM2] Hepsy - Is he watching anything interesting?

8:46 PM [hepsy] calla - oh, I see. At my health club they do Zumba - I like that. prefer that rather than sit ups!

8:46 PM [calla] still - yes, they always want to jump in. The dog we had before would, too. If I was on the treadmill she would just stand and bark at me - had to lock her out

8:46 PM [calla] hepsy - never tried Zumba. People seem to think it is fun though.

8:47 PM [bittersweet] Still: He did that after I left him. Then he called and text me to death to come back and I ignored him and went to Florida. We emailed back and forth for 3 days until I had a nervous breakdown and kept saying no no no over and over for 4 hours and landed in the hospital. He drove all night to get to me

8:47 PM [Still] Calla, My SIL's dog bites the tires of her exercise bike while she tries to workout.

8:47 PM [hepsy] km2 - I guess that depends on what you think interesting is - it is either ultimate fighting, poker, or it could be the history channel or some fishing show.

8:47 PM [calla] Still -    - dogs!:) My dog now just stares at me if I am on the treadmill or anything like that. It is unnerving.

8:48 PM [faithful] doveseyes I know it was one of the process of MLC and I had to let go. In the long run it was better because emotionally I am more stable now and his presence do not threw me into a rollercoaster. I kept busy and just keep trusting in God.

8:48 PM [hepsy] still - that is funny - I can imagine the dog doing that.. I am so laughing!!

8:48 PM [KM2] Hepsy - Perhaps you could get the cable company to limit the shows to the arts, like ballet or ice skating.

8:48 PM [hepsy] km2 - now you are the one being funny! lol!

8:49 PM [calla] hepsy - yes, my dog has too much time on her hands.

8:49 PM [doveseyes] Jim at 46..no I need to lose 30 lbs to be close to my marriage weight. The new things might grab his attention..he doesn't know what I do or don't do any more. h doesn't care. We don’t see him. What should my kids response be when my H wants them to be around him and the ow?

8:49 PM [KM2] hepsy - lol!!

8:49 PM [Free to fly] Swan/Jim: Do you think it bothers H that I don't try to contact him at all? I think he is relieved that I don't bother him. He appears to be so happy without us

8:52 PM Jim: Free to fly at :49, look for natural ways to communicate with him about family items, or things that might be of interest to him related to work, or about some of his former friends.

8:49 PM [faithful] Jim he also made a comment that he was so close to filing for bankruptcy but he does not because it will affect me plus we are still marry. I told him yes we are and he just smile and did not mention anything. The boys say he was on the computer only for a short time when they were there.

8:52 PM Jim: faithful at: 49, I think your husband may be feeling that he is seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

8:49 PM [wiffe] Jim-Last Wed. morning my H told me he was sorry. Wed. night he bought us pizza and tried to talk a little before we had to leave. I tried to get him to look at me but he told me he couldn't because I look beautiful right now. NOW he seems to have pulled away. NOW WHAT wait again.

8:54 PM Jim: wiffe at: 49, let him set the pace, it was hard enough for him to say "I'm sorry" - looking at you might have been too much of an emotional drain on him. Yes, just continue waiting.

8:49 PM [bittersweet] Still: He came in and told me he was sorry for all the pain and hurt he caused. We went to cancelling and he has promised to GOD that he has never been physical with her. That meant a lot. We have been building since then. It has been good but like I said I keep in that mind gear.

8:50 PM [hepsy] km2 - well, I can kind of get interested in the fishing show or the history channel, but ultimate fighting? yuk.. just men beating each other up. I wonder if that is how my h gets his aggression out

8:50 PM [Still] Bittersweet, I am very happy that things are working out for you. I travel for work and I often pass a ranch called "Bittersweet Farms". Whenever I do, I say a little prayer for you.

8:50 PM [doveseyes] faithful at 47..good wisdom. I am doing better..it has been 1 year..seemed the first 6 months he didn't want to completely let go..but now he has completely let go. It's so hard because it’s like he is dead. It is so weird.

8:51 PM [calla] hepsy - maybe you could take up ultimate fighting for exercise - LOL!

8:51 PM [KM2] Jim - question for you. my w and I have been separated now for 7 1/2 months. over the past several months, she has shown a real interest in reconciliation, however without ever really saying it. Much like a roller coaster. Would welcome and feedback you could provided.

8:55 PM Jim: KM2 at: 51, I hope that you can come to the retreat. (see front page of www.midlife.com) It is very positive that your wife is beginning to test the water about a possible reconciliation - let her set the pace.

8:51 PM [KM2] Calla - good one! Maybe we should all take up ultimate fighting for exercise.

8:51 PM [Still] Hepsy, you mean like our H's are suddenly watching all the time. UFC....nothing like a license to pulverize someone

8:52 PM [bittersweet] Still: That is awesome. I guess when he saw what he was losing he made up his mind. I always said it was an emotional affair.

8:52 PM [doveseyes] Jim at 50...yes, I plan on being at the retreat. Yes...love to talk. The timing of the retreat is interesting because on that Monday I celebrate my wedding anniversary. Look forward to what God has in store for all of us at the retreat

8:55 PM Jim: doveseyes at: 52, great - I look forward to talking with you at the retreat.

8:52 PM [hepsy] calla - oh right.....lol! Maybe that would get my h interested in me again! lol! At least I would get some eye contact!

8:53 PM [plumcrazy] Doveseyes--Retreat is an awesome anniv. gift. That is what I did for our 21st anniv. last yr. Best decision I made in a long while. Very worthwhile

8:53 PM [Free to fly] bittersweet: I am so happy for you

8:54 PM [swan] Free to fly - Hard to say, it might if he hasn't requested that you not contact him, however, if he has requested that you not contact him or if any contact by you creates problems for him with the other woman (if there is one), then he is just looking for peace and may believe he can get it through no contact. To be honest concentrating on things like do they, don't they normally isn't productive and can be cause for hurt feelings, this might be one of those things better left in God's lap.

8:54 PM [wiffe] Jim-I know I wanted him to come back to talk but he said no so I finally told him when he was ready to talk I would be here.

8:56 PM Jim: wiffe at :54, remember that people under emotional stress only have so much emotional energy - I think he had used his up for that time and needs a little more time to recover.

8:54 PM [hepsy] calla/still - it is nice to laugh... I forget to do that sometimes... I am glad I have this place to come... I find myself looking forward to the evenings.

8:54 PM [doveseyes] plumcrazy at 53...yeaaaa...my last anniversary was horrible...my husband was dating another woman...I can't wait to be among people who understand what I am going through...

8:55 PM [Still] Hepsy, laughter is what we need. So much is sad and confusing. Laughter is such a great feeling.

8:56 PM [bittersweet] Jim: If you have read all I wrote to Still ...do you think I can really let it go and trust again? The psychiatrist at the hospital said that if I came back through those doors He would have to strap me down because I would go out there in la la land and not come back. The counselor said it was a GIFT to my H to give him my trust again. He promised to never contact her again.

8:57 PM Jim: bittersweet at: 56 - yes I think that God can give you the ability to surrender this whole process to Him, and allow you the ability to trust again.

8:56 PM [Still] All, low battery. Guess I have to go. Wonderful chatting with you all!

8:56 PM [KM2] Jim - Unfortunately I won't be able to attend the retreat, however do appreciate the feedback. I continue to let he set the pace. How do I deal with the roller coaster issue in her emotions?

8:59 PM Jim: KM2 @ :56, I strongly urge you to deepen your relationship with God, so that God becomes the stabilizing force in your life, and your emotions are not controlled by your wife's ups and downs. Read the book, "31 Days of Praise". The series and the books mentioned in the Chat Room can be ordered through http://astore.amazon.com  · · · dlife-20. Amazon will send a donation back to the ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order for ANYTHING on Amazon is placed through our link. You can also find this link on our website: www.midlife.com.

8:56 PM [calla] hepsy - it is good to be able to laugh. I’m glad I am in a place where I feel like laughing again.

8:56 PM [plumcrazy] JIM--I really want to talk to you this yr. Remember last yr you ran out of time.

8:59 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :56, yes Jan and I hope to have time to talk with anyone who wants to chat with us.

8:56 PM [hepsy] still - definitely... I miss that in my h - he used to laugh and tell jokes all the time... now he is silent

8:56 PM [hepsy] niter still -

8:56 PM [wiffe] Jim-would it make him go back to ow?

9:00 PM Jim: wiffe at :56, as you continue to meet his needs, he will not need the other woman.

8:57 PM [calla] hepsy — night

8:58 PM [Free to fly] Thanks everyone for your help tonight.

8:58 PM [hepsy] calla - I hope you can get some sleep tonight...

8:58 PM [plumcrazy] Nite Free Take care

8:58 PM [calla] hepsy - me too. It seems the kitchen fairies didn't do the dishes while I was on here so I guess I need to do that first.:)

8:58 PM [doveseyes] retreat question..what are some places to see that are close to the hotel?

8:58 PM [faithful] all It was so nice because after seeing h for the first time in over a year I had no problem going to sleep. I praise God for his peace.

8:59 PM [wiffe] Aren't the retreats flip flopped in areas every other year? if so where is next years???? by chance

9:00 PM [KM2] Jim - That’s good Godly counsel. Thanks and God bless!

9:00 PM [faithful] All I am so excited I am coming to the retreat and my son and sister will watch the kids for me.

9:00 PM [wiffe] Jim-I'm trying to meet them just not sure how.

9:00 PM [plumcrazy] Faithful--Are you part of ESG?

9:00 PM Jim: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim. James 4:8, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you

9:01 PM [bittersweet] Jim: It’s going to take time I suppose after the lies and deceit ...I am scared that I won’t survive another encounter with this. How long does it take to get over a nervous breakdown/

9:02 PM [lisak] ALL: I'm back now. Any last questions about the retreat?

9:02 PM [faithful] Lisa I need to know if there is someone I can share a room with and how much.

9:02 PM [dogwood] Lisa-- Is there a sign-up sheet to talk to Jim or Jan at the retreat?

9:03 PM [plumcrazy] Lisa--I found out my flight won’t get to SNA Fri till 6;15 How long will it take to get to retreat from there?

9:03 PM [doveseyes] Yes..Lisa..if I stay until Monday...will there be sightseeing opportunities on Sunday afternoon...if so..how will that work

9:03 PM [doveseyes] how does the room assignments work?

9:04 PM [dogwood] Lisa, I am interested in sharing room with a non-smoker. Please put me on the list. I will call the hotel to make a reservation soon.

9:04 PM [lisak] plumcrazy - if you can just pack a carry on, and not have to wait for check-on luggage, it will get you out quickly, and it's about 20 min. to the retreat, depending on traffic.

9:04 PM [doveseyes] Also, we need to get a shuttle from the airport to the hotel?

9:04 PM [lisak] swan - please help Faithful at :02

9:05 PM [plumcrazy] Lisa--I just brought carry-on last yr. I just wasn’t sure how long it would take to get to retreat

9:05 PM [lisak] dogwood at :02, everyone just takes turns grabbing them as time allows.

9:05 PM [lisak] doveseyes at :03, yes - we can plan something as a group. swan please start a list of names that want to do something Sunday after the retreat, and / or on Monday. Thanks.

9:06 PM [dogwood] Lisa, will the new book "your husband's mlc" available at the retreat?

9:06 PM [lisak] doveseyes at :03, swan is coordinating roommates, she'll email you.

9:07 PM [lisak] dogwood at :04, very good. swan will help you get a roommate. Go ahead and make a reservation. Thanks. And watch for emails from swan - she is our MLD assistant.

9:07 PM [swan] faithful - did you see the email that was sent out earlier in reference to retreat, it had the list of the attendees and a breakdown of cost given number of people in the rooms. Additionally, if I didn't have your arrival and departure dates I left it blank and asked that the information be sent to me.

9:07 PM [plumcrazy] Faithful--Do I know you from another chat also?

9:07 PM [doveseyes] what are some options? Also I am possibly looking at flying out early on Monday..but if you were doing something as well Monday morning...I am open to flying out later. I am so excited..I have never been to California...

9:07 PM [faithful] Lisa are we all staying in the same hotel

9:07 PM [lisak] doveseyes at :04 - I will try to work out carpools to the hotel (and to the airport at the end). I'm waiting to get everyone's flight arrival times to see what I can put together.

9:07 PM [faithful] Plum yes I use to get into the other website but I do not go there anymore.

9:08 PM [doveseyes] k

9:08 PM [lisak] dogwood at :06, Jim is hoping to get them delivered to the retreat for everyone to have access to.

9:08 PM [plumcrazy] Faithful--I will be looking for roommates. I am nonsmoker

9:08 PM [swan] Lisa - I am seeing your notes and will take care of them.

9:09 PM [faithful] Plum I am also a nonsmoker.

9:09 PM [plumcrazy] Lisa--I think I saw that Ayers Inn has shuttle service. Would they pick us up from the airport? Maybe we can look at arrival times

9:09 PM [lisak] doveseyes at :07 - guess that depends on what everyone (who is staying to play) wants to do. We can split into groups, or all stay together. Of course Disneyland is about 20 minutes away. The beach is about 20-30 min. What would you want to do? Let swan know - she will start a list for us.

9:10 PM [lisak] faithful at :07, yes, everyone is staying at the Ayers Inn of Yorba Linda.

9:11 PM [doveseyes] Well, I have never seen the pacific ocean..so yes to that..would we have enough time for Disneyland..I am open and game.

9:11 PM [swan] All - did anyone who is attending retreat get the email I sent out this afternoon with attendees, hotel information, etc.

9:11 PM [lisak] plumcrazy at :09 - Ayers shuttle only goes to a 5 mile radius, sorry. We'll work out picking everyone up from the airport, not to worry.

9:11 PM [plumcrazy] SWAN--I did Haven’t had a chance to respond yet though

9:11 PM [doveseyes] what is the weather usually like/

9:12 PM [lisak] swan - thanks! I know I'm putting a lot on you.

9:12 PM [swan] plumcrazy - I was just wanting to make sure it was received since I am seeing several questions that were answered in the email. If no one had gotten it, I would send it again.

9:12 PM [lisak] doveseyes at :11, will probably be nice - dress in layers.

9:13 PM [lisak] OK, I'm going to head off. If you have more retreat questions, please email me. All 4 of you in the room will be there! :o)

9:13 PM [doveseyes] goodnight

9:13 PM [lisak] Good night all.

9:13 PM [plumcrazy] goodnight Lisa Take care

9:13 PM [faithful] goodnight and I will check my email

9:14 PM [plumcrazy] goodnight faithful

9:14 PM [lisak] byeeeeeeeeeeeeee

9:15 PM [dogwood] good night

9:16 PM [swan] Goodnight everyone, please join us Wednesday evening

8:51 PM [KM2] Jim - question for you. my w and I have been separated now for 7 1/2 months. over the past several months, she has shown a real interest in reconciliation, however without ever really saying it. Much like a roller coaster. Would welcome and feedback you could provided.

8:55 PM Jim: KM2 at: 51, I hope that you can come to the retreat. (see front page of www.midlife.com) It is very positive that your wife is beginning to test the water about a possible reconciliation - let her set the pace.

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