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October 11, 2010 / with Jim Conway

8:29 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I am developing new activities to keep myself busy and not clinging to H. however, I always asks him if he is interested in joining me (such as go to the gym together, taking a walk together, or to concert together, or taking a trips). He has not accepted any of the suggestions, and has been telling me to go on my own. Should I continue to invite him? Or should I stop asking him to do things together? It is hard when he complains that we have a wide communication gaps yet on the other hand, reject all my suggestions to rebuild relationships. What should I behave around him? He feels very tense around me since his affair was caught by me.

8:31 PM Jim: dogwood at :29, for now it's probably better to let your husband take the lead in how much he wants to be connected

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You have entered CR#2, Monday Chat with Jim at 6 pm PST.

8:00 PM [lisak] Hi Chat Room Guests. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I enjoy serving the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through the tough times of midlife crisis. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to make a tax-deductible donation to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you. Jim will be online with us momentarily; he will read your questions and dictate his replies to me so I can type them for you to read. Jim has time for all questions that are posted before the end of the hour. Thanks for understanding.

8:01 PM [sbky] hello everyone

8:02 PM [sbky] all I was telling a friend about how h is asking my daughter about me. And she said. He is just hoping you are moving on so he doesn’t feel so guiltily. I just let it be

8:02 PM [swan] Hello everyone, hope your Monday was a wonderful blessed day.

8:03 PM [plumcrazy] Hello All

8:03 PM [lalachrissie] hi everyone

8:04 PM [doveseyes] hello

8:04 PM [lalachrissie] all- does anyone have any recommendations on things I can do to work on myself

8:04 PM [Still] Hi everyone.

8:05 PM [swan] sbky @02 - my children tell me that my husband asks them about me every time they talk with him, given the questions he asks, it seems more like he just wants to know I am doing ok, not to ease his guilt.

8:05 PM [sbky] swan I think so too. If it was about quilt he would have been doing it for the past 4 years

8:06 PM [plumcrazy] all--Went to a small zoo about an hr away from our house. Thought it would be a nice family outing and it would take the focus of the fact that today is our 22nd anniv. The weather was warm for Oct. and sunny. H was grumpy though and wandered away from the family a lot. But D was not as grumpy as she would have been in the past going out being around people. I think taking her off the one psych. med is definitely helping PTL!!!!

8:06 PM [lalachrissie] sbky- my h has asked too. He hasn't asked me but he has asked the kids

8:07 PM [Still] Plum, glad you found positives to be thankful for today.

8:07 PM [plumcrazy] Lalachrissie--You can work on things that you would like to change about yourself. I know I am working on my insecurities and controlling my mouth. Also just finding things and causes to work for that interest you

8:08 PM [doveseyes] my husband is so checked out he rarely contacts our kids.

8:08 PM Jim: I just got back from the weekend in Denver, where I was at a memorial service for Vernon Grounds. Vernon has been the most significant man in my life. I really miss him and miss the impact that he has had on my life. Vernon was the President of Denver Seminary for about 50 years. He died at age 96, still following God and helping people. So I'm encouraged again to follow his example. So - what would you all like to talk about tonight?

8:08 PM [plumcrazy] JIM--Sorry for the loss of your dear friend.

8:09 PM [plumcrazy] Hey Boscos Dad.

8:09 PM [Still] Jim, I am sorry for the loss of your friend. So glad he made such a positive influence on your life.

8:09 PM [sbky] Jim why would h start asking questions from the kids. About me after 4 years. Your opinion guilt. Or he is thinking about me

8:12 PM Jim: sbky at :09, I think that he is experiencing some sense of loss and wonders if he had worked at the marriage that maybe it could have been better.

8:09 PM [plumcrazy] Jim I was just telling the others we went to a small zoo about an hr away from our house. Thought it would be a nice family outing and it would take the focus of the fact that today is our 22nd anniv. The weather was warm for Oct. and sunny. H was grumpy though and wandered away from the family a lot. But D was not as grumpy as she would have been in the past going out being around people. I think taking her off the one psych. med is definitely helping PTL!!!!

8:13 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :09, I'm glad that you did this family outing, and even though your husband was grumpy, it is a good that he spent some time with the family.

8:09 PM [doveseyes] I am sorry too..But what an encouraging legacy he has left behind. That's how to do it

8:09 PM [lalachrissie] Jim- sorry for your loss

8:10 PM [faithful] Jim H actually came over and picked up the boys for their visit. He has not been over to the house in almost a year. He was very nice and cordial. He offers to bring the boys home from Boy Scout. He even asks if he could have the boys overnight. I told him it was not up to me it was up the boys. The visit was good but strange.

8:13 PM Jim: faithful at :10, again - this seems very positive.

8:11 PM [doveseyes] Jim..It is weird now with my h. I haven't heard from him in 5 months. Our kids hear from him rarely..Why does an mlc do that..I understand no contact with me. But the total non-involvement with our teenagers. Even when he is with them, he is more interested in receiving tests from girlfriends...how can I help them.

8:15 PM Jim: doveseyes at :11, don’t let his strange behavior control your thoughts, he is still very confused about who he wants to be and who he wants to relate with.

8:11 PM [faithful] Jim He also saw the grandbaby and his d13. D13 was polite to him. He has not seen her in almost a year to.

8:16 PM Jim: faithful at :11, remember that generally, grandchildren and children, are a powerful connection to help midlife people through the stress time - it gives them a sense of stability.

8:13 PM [faithful] doveseyes at 8:11 my h also was distant from my kids. Did not see them since Nov and out of the blue he text and wants to see them again. They started visiting him going on about a month now.

8:13 PM [doveseyes] faithful at 12..is he in touch with you

8:14 PM [lalachrissie] plumcrazy- what if I have worked on the things I'd like to change about myself, prior to this happening. I have made several changes in my life- all within the last year. I changed the focus of my business so I could be with my children more. I spend time writing and doing things for myself. I read self help books constantly and try to be better all of the time.

8:14 PM [Still] Jim, do you work with couples experiencing MLC outside of the chat?

8:17 PM Jim: Still at :14, yes I do. (Lisa can set up phone session appointments, or I will have appointments at conferences that I'm doing).

8:15 PM [plumcrazy] Lalachrissie- I would say you have done all the right things then. Relax and enjoy doing nice things for yourself. Your H has to work this out for himself

8:15 PM [faithful] doveseyes he was not in touch with me at all. He went no contact for about 6 months. I left him alone and once in a while I would send him pictures of kids on special events. This is the first time I saw him and talk in about a year.

8:16 PM [lalachrissie] Jim- after not seeing my children for 2 weeks because they don't want to see him, my h was supposed to see my d9 this morning to give her a long overdue birthday present & he emailed me at 3:15am saying he was out of town & missed his flight and wasn't going to make it to see her today I don't understand because he says he wants to see them & he misses them

8:17 PM [Still] Hi hepsy. How are you>

8:18 PM [plumcrazy] Jim--Will there be time available to meet with you at the retreat in Nov?

8:18 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :18, yes.

8:18 PM [hepsy] still - hey there. I am doing ok except it looks like the downstairs ac is acting up.. h won't like that as he keeps it ice cold in the evenings - that just may force him off the couch into one of the bedrooms upstairs! lol! How are you?

8:18 PM [doveseyes] 14 exactly Jim..even when they have contact with him it is very strange and horrible. What do you do with special events that come up when we don't know where he is at or what he is doing..my son is receiving his eagle scout award..which my h didn't help him achieve..what should we do?

8:22 PM Jim: doveseyes at :18, one of the painful things about midlife crisis is that the previous special events are often missed or avoided during painful times (such as anniversaries, birthdays, etc.)

8:19 PM [faithful] Jim He did make a comment, he said he was almost close to filing bankruptcy but he did not want to do that to me because we were still married. I told him yes we are and drop it. Is so awkward not sure what to say or do. I wanted to tell him so many things and hold his hand but I control myself. We were talking about his tools and I told him I used a power tool and he said "You go girl

8:19 PM [musthope] lala, my h has been gone for 7 years, although he recently returned for a year before he left again. He also says he misses the kids (all grown up), but also says that he is too depressed at times to even talk to them.

8:19 PM [faithful] He sounded so much like his old self.

8:23 PM Jim: faithful at :19, we're all proud of you. And your stability seems to be having an effect on him.

8:20 PM [doveseyes] faithful at 11..it’s weird..I feel like he is dead. We have no good memories of him this last year. I am tired of making all the decisions and supporting our kids..I can't believe this is really happening to me.

8:20 PM [wiffe] Hi All

8:20 PM [swan] Jim - Hey my little country mouse part of the world is taking on the marriage topic, Doctor Dobson was a guest speaker up in Springfield and Yakov Smirnoff had a seminar Stand Up for Marriage on Saturday. Just kind of nice to see that there are more vocal things on marriage than divorce lately.

8:23 PM Jim: swan at :20, I'm very glad to hear that Jim Dobson was speaking in Springfield - I'm glad that he's out on the road again.

8:21 PM [plumcrazy] Hello Dogwood

8:21 PM [doveseyes] Jim..what do you see as the main reason marriages don't make it through the mlc time

8:24 PM Jim: doveseyes at :21, main reason is that the partners are no longer meeting each other's needs.

8:21 PM [lalachrissie] Jim- her birthday was on Oct 1 and she wouldn't let him see her. this is the first time she agreed to see him and it was planned last week. h emailed 4 hours before he was supposed to see her.

8:24 PM Jim: lalachrissie at :21, I'm sorry that this all came down that way.

8:21 PM [dogwood] plumcrazy-- Hi good evening

8:22 PM [faithful] doveseyes at 8:20 I know what you mean. I would get so angry and tired but I keep drawing my strength from the Lord. I try to focus on the good memory and remind the kids of how their father was. Is not easy but if I focus on the negative side of him then I am letting satan in and I do not want that.

8:22 PM [sbky] Jim :12 is that part of the process of mlc

8:25 PM Jim: sbky at :22 - sorry - I can't see the screen above once it's gone. please repeat your question

8:22 PM [Still] All, I really thought my H was done with replay behaviors. I was cleaning the bathroom and found a men’s' hair dying kit. Not sure what that means.

8:24 PM [Still] hepsy, good for you on self control!

8:24 PM [hepsy] still - then I said "are you going to sleep on the couch forever?" and he said "Idk" I wanted to say more but dropped it. It could have led into a big fight!

8:24 PM [doveseyes] faithful at 21..good point. I try but this last week was hard. I am watching my kids survive as orphans.

8:24 PM [musthope] Jim, I'm dealing with an h in MLC who has also been diagnosed with bi-polar in the past year. It's hard to know if his behavior is due to MLC or the mental illness. He divorced me 6 1/2 yrs. ago but recently came back for a year before he left again. I don't know what to believe when he tells me that we just are too different to be married to each other. we were married for 28 years w/ 4 children and 4 grandchildren. Right now I pretty much leave him alone unless he contacts me which he does every so often. He is dealing with a deep depression. Am I doing the right thing by not contacting him?

8:27 PM Jim: musthope at :24, hopefully your husband is working with someone that is helping him with his bi-polar problem. As he gets help in that area, it may make it easier for him to connect with you.

8:24 PM [faithful] Jim is not easy and I just thank God I was able to hold my tongue. I offer him to come in and go the bedroom where his daughter was. She did good and did not reject him whish he taught she was.

8:27 PM Jim: faithful at 24, good for you.

8:24 PM [cindy] Hello everyone.

8:25 PM [swan] Jim - In fact Doctor Dobson in on TV with Greg Laurie, since it will be on right after chat, I am going to watch it on line since I don't get the channel.

8:27 PM Jim: swan at :25, how are you going to watch it on your computer?

8:25 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I discovered and caught H’s affair a month ago and I have shared the shocking fact to our adult son and daughter. H called our son recently and told him what led to the marriage breakdown: bad relationship with my mother from the very beginning of our marriage, poor communication with me, years of suppression of his feelings, etc. Exactly the same story he has told me… Our son responded saying the he should talk to a professional counselor or a therapist. He told his Dad It will be very disappointing to him (son) if his Dad's pride keeps him from seeking professional counseling. What do you think of this response?

8:28 PM Jim: dogwood at :25, I'm glad that your husband and children are talking - even though it's painful.

8:25 PM [hepsy] still - well, obviously it was the Holy Spirit controlling me because I don't have a lot of self control when it comes to dealing with this!

8:26 PM [faithful] doveseyes at 8:24 they are not orphans they have you. I tell me kids that they are sons and daughters of the king. I reinforce we are going to be ok with or without their dad.

8:26 PM [plumcrazy] Jim--I was reading the info on your history. I was surprised to see you were a pastor in Newton, KS and taught at Sterling college. I am from around Lawrence, KS Go KU Jayhawks

8:29 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :26, yes - I spent several years in Kansas.

8:27 PM [sbky] Jim I was asking if h asking kids about me was that a good sign or just his guilt you said he probably wondering if he worked harder on the marriage would it have worked. is that part of the process.

8:30 PM Jim: sbky at :27, yes, recovering from midlife crisis is a process of many ups and downs.

8:27 PM [hepsy] still - so you think your h is coloring his hair? has he done this before?

8:27 PM [Still] I think he is coloring his goatee. He did do that a year or so ago. He hates the gray in it.

8:27 PM [lalachrissie] all- have a nice evening I have to go my daughter needs me

8:28 PM [plumcrazy] lala--Have good nite

8:28 PM [Still] Hepsy at 27 that was directed to you.

8:28 PM [swan] Jim - There is a link on the Greg Laurie website to watch it.

8:30 PM Jim: swan at :28, can you copy and paste the link here for me?

8:28 PM [Still] Lala, bye.

8:28 PM [doveseyes] Jim..I asked if we proceed with the eagle scout ceremony and not notify h

8:31 PM Jim: doveseyes at :28, you need to keep your husband in the loop, but not force him to attend.

8:29 PM [doveseyes] faithful at 25..you are right. I can do that

8:29 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I am developing new activities to keep myself busy and not clinging to H. however, I always asks him if he is interested in joining me (such as go to the gym together, taking a walk together, or to concert together, or taking a trips). He has not accepted any of the suggestions, and has been telling me to go on my own. Should I continue to invite him? Or should I stop asking him to do things together? It is hard when he complains that we have a wide communication gaps yet on the other hand, reject all my suggestions to rebuild relationships. What should I behave around him? He feels very tense around me since his affair was caught by me.

8:31 PM Jim: dogwood at :29, for now it's probably better to let your husband take the lead in how much he wants to be connected

8:29 PM [hepsy] still - mine hasn't done that but tries to grow his goatee (if you can call it that) every now and then - it is not attractive at all as his has gray in it as well..

8:30 PM [plumcrazy] Jim--How did you end up there. Where are you originally from?

8:33 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :30, I was born in Cleveland Ohio, went to college at Sterling, KS, went to grad school in Denver, then back to KS to pastor a church, then to IL for 18 years and then to CA, and now I live in MI and Hawaii.

8:30 PM [swan] Jim and All - the information for the show that Dr. Dobson will be on tonight - "An Evening of Hope" airs worldwide this Monday, October 11 at 7:00 P.M. Pacific, 10:00 P.M. Eastern, on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Watch online at www.harvest.org

8:33 PM Jim: swan at :30, Thanks swan! - you're a good woman!

8:30 PM [musthope] Jim, h goes to counseling and is on meds. He is also digging himself out of the whole that he dug himself into during the past 7 years. He is now filing for bankruptcy. I just don't know if the depression is due to the awful mess that he's gotten himself into or if it's MLC or if it's bi-polar. I am hoping that maybe he is at the end of the tunnel and is facing everything that he's done. I would be depressed also!

8:34 PM Jim: musthope at :30, don't focus on getting him to face all that he has done. Surrender that whole process to God. Just keep praying that God will bring him through this time.

8:30 PM [sbky] Jim I got a new job and my d and mil was talking about. he asked where it was. and in the past he would not have . he would have acted like he didn’t even hear what they are talking about .

8:35 PM Jim: sbky at :30, that's very positive, and it's a normal part of the reconnecting process.

8:32 PM [doveseyes] 28 in the loop..it’s hard because when the kids are around him they become upset.

8:33 PM [wiffe] all- ON Sunday H and I texted a bit. He made the comment that he was shocked at how well I Have done in terms of clothes, weight and makeup. He also was upset (in my eyes) that I didn’t do this for him. I told him I did it for me, the girls and God. Was that wrong?

8:33 PM [Still] Jim, my h said a few months ago that I need to stop believing he is in a "phase". This is who he is and I need to accept that. Do MLC'ers lack awareness of what is going on with them mentally?

8:36 PM Jim: Still at :33, most midlife crisis men do not want to be labeled as being in midlife crisis, or in any kind of strange season of their life. Try not to use those words, try only to give him lots of affirmation, and continue doing all the growing and changing you need to be doing.

8:33 PM [dogwood] Jim-- thanks

8:33 PM [plumcrazy] JIM---What an interesting history!!!!

8:34 PM [wiffe] still-I think they do.

8:36 PM [hepsy] still - my h said pretty much the same thing - he said "I am not the same person anymore and I can't change back". Not sure I like that answer.

8:37 PM Jim: ALL: I hope to meet you at the Retreat November 5-7 in Yorba Linda CA.

8:37 PM [Still] Jim, I don't use the term MLC. He is the one who initially mentioned MLC and has since denied it. I have tried to give him affirmation....very specific things. He rejects the remarks or completely ignores me. This is a fairly new behavior for him....last several months.

8:40 PM Jim: Still at :37, most midlife men will reject affirmation, because they feel guilty, but nevertheless - it is making a very positive impact on their psyches.

8:38 PM [hepsy] calla - hey there!!!

8:38 PM [calla] hepsy - hi!

8:39 PM [plumcrazy] JIM---Still asked this question: Jim, my h said a few months ago that I need to stop believing he is in a "phase". This is who he is and I need to accept that. Do MLC'ers lack awareness of what is going on with them mentally? My H said this person is who he has been all along

8:39 PM [hepsy] calla - how are you doing tonight?

8:39 PM [plumcrazy] Still--My H does the same thing Likes it when other women at work say things though

8:42 PM Jim: plumcrazy at :39, yes, most midlife men find lack awareness of what is happening, they are just trying to survive and somehow reduce pain.

8:39 PM [calla] hepsy - doing pretty well tonight. How are you?

8:40 PM [hepsy] calla - doing ok.. I was telling still earlier that our ac is acting up downstairs - this may force my h off the couch since he likes it ice cold. Of course, he won't come to our bedroom but go upstairs..

8:40 PM [Still] Plum, I found a thank you card from his brother's girlfriend for a gift card he bought her for her birthday. It hurt my feelings. He gave me a lottery ticket and nothing more on my birthday. He only met her this summer.

8:40 PM [faithful] Jim remember last week you told me not to smother him and that h was probably passive aggressive. Well today I kept telling him it was up to him what he wanted to do in regards with the visit and also about the boys spending the night with him. He actually made a decision for the first time in a long time.

8:43 PM Jim: faithful at :40, I'm glad that you were able to let him carry the decision responsibility.

8:42 PM [hepsy] still - I am sorry.. I am sure that hurt your feelings..

8:42 PM [doveseyes] Jim I have made changes and still working on others. All h can say is too late..I am not coming home...

8:44 PM Jim: doveseyes at :42, many midlife crisis husbands are actually disappointed when their wives start to make changes and begin to meet their needs, because they now feel more guilt and they're afraid that they may have to come back into the marriage - so it is very confusing when the wife starts to grow and change.

8:42 PM [calla] hepsy - sorry to hear about your AC. Too bad your H wouldn’t move to your bedroom.:( you never know - a miracle could happen!:)

8:42 PM [Still] Hepsy, thank you. I just don't understand him anymore...at all.

8:43 PM [wiffe] Doveseyes-I just keep reminding to myself that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE with God in control.

8:43 PM [hepsy] calla - nope.. I even mentioned last night "are you planning on sleeping on the couch forever?" and he said "idk" Do you think your h will be in the basement forever?

8:44 PM [calla] Still - my H gave me a very impersonal gift for my birthday as well. It stunk. You and I both have anniversaries on our b-day as well, and my BF suggested maybe the guilt of the anniversary made him swing to the other extreme. He did pretty well last Christmas - even made me a gift!

8:44 PM [wiffe] All-I dread my bday coming up. 10 years ago on my birthday he proposed.

8:44 PM [Still] Calla. that is right....we have the once wonderful, now dreaded, combo day.

8:44 PM [calla] hepsy - no telling. It certainly feels like it. 19 months and counting. I really do sense a change in him these days, slowly and gradually, so I am hoping and praying it continues. Good changes.

8:45 PM [hepsy] still - I know... I totally feel your pain.. I don't know mine either..it’s like the invasion of the body snatchers.. my h is not in his body anymore..

8:45 PM [calla] Still - I know. I used to always look forward to it (also is on Mother's day some years, like this year) because he was so good at making a big deal of the day. Now . . . sigh

8:45 PM [dogwood] Jim--H seems very nervous and threatened that I seek counseling and worried that I and everyone will be after him. He refuses to seek counseling himself. What if he asks me about what the counselor's advices? should I simply respond that the counseling is to help myself not him?

8:47 PM Jim: dogwood at :45, your response is exactly correct that you are going to counseling to improve yourself.

8:45 PM [Still] Jim, when you fully came out of your crisis, did you realize how much hurt you caused? I guess what I am asking is there typically remorse from the MLC'er?

8:48 PM Jim: Still at :46, generally most mates realize where they have caused pain for each other.

8:46 PM [wiffe] ALL- Here is what I want to hear from someone who has been through this. DONT" GIVE UP. H is doing this but doesn’t mean it. He says stuff to hurt you but doesn’t mean it. I just want someone to remind me or tell me exactly what to do. Not what to say. I'm back to how do I act around him.

8:46 PM Jim: To all: This is Lisa. Some of you may have not had enough personal time with Jim, or you have a very private question that you didn’t want to discuss openly in the chat room. If you'd like to schedule a phone counseling session call us at 714-768-1777.

8:46 PM [hepsy] still/calla -for Christmas my h gave my d a beautiful heart charm from the local jewelers and I got a writing pen...talk about depressed...

8:46 PM [faithful] Jim d13 was upset because I allow her father to go the bedroom and greet her. She just looked at me and said ok. Like I said she was very polite to him. She did tell me after I left that she was upset because she did not want to see him. I told her that her father wanted to see her and she needed to think of him as a lost soul. Should I continue to push it or just not allow him to see her when he comes over again.

8:50 PM Jim: faithful at :46, remember that you are dealing with a teenage daughter.

8:46 PM [doveseyes] 43 Jim so what am I supposed to do..areas I haven't made a lot of strides in..he gets angry..has no tolerance..how can I compete with the younger women he is with..all they do is have fun..look great for him..no responsibilities

8:46 PM [wiffe] Jim-I asked H by text why he seemed so angry at me but he says he isn’t but by some of his actions he really appears to be angry. I DIDN T DO ANYTHING.

8:50 PM Jim: wiffe at :46, don't debate or question any of the anger issues.

8:46 PM Jim: TO ALL: I'm really looking forward to seeing all of you at the Chat Room Retreat - Jan and I are praying for it to be a very special time.

8:47 PM [hepsy] still/calla - and remember when I told you about the time he gave me the b-day card that said "another b-day? take it like a man - with a beer in one hand and remote in the other" Seriously?????

8:47 PM [calla] hepsy - that stinks.

8:47 PM [dogwood] Jim-- thanks

8:48 PM [Still] Hepsy, my birthday card last year said, "Isn't it nice when friends buy you a birthday card, but forget your age?" ....I didn’t' realize we were only friends.

8:48 PM [wiffe] To those who were here last night. I got my pics posted. He liked and commented on one of them. Youngest Halloween costume pic.

8:48 PM [hepsy] Jim - I wish I could go to the retreat.. but I live in Texas and I haven’t been on an airplane since 1995!

8:51 PM Jim: hepsy at :48, there's a good train or bus service to So. CA that you can check into.

8:49 PM [faithful] hepsy what part of Texas. I live in the panhandle.

8:49 PM [wiffe] I wish I could go to but I have 2 daughters, conferences and a wedding.

8:49 PM [hepsy] faithful - I live in Cypress - a suburb of Houston.

8:49 PM [doveseyes] I live in Tennessee..and haven't found a low airfare to come..would love to and I am still checking rates

8:49 PM [sbky] still and hepsy I figure out something was bad wrong from a valentine card. I had got 20 years worth of the mushy ones. than the last one said. it is valentine’s day. have some chocolate on me. you open it said literally on me. lol. I looked at him and said do you have .. just laughing it off. he said no. I said what is wrong. and I got the speech.

8:50 PM [Still] Jim, I wasn't implying that the spouse is blameless. I have owned all the things that he said were wrong. I have spend over 2 years trying to rectify everything. He ignores me, is disrespectful, is rude, and impolite. I just keep turning the other cheek, but it is getting so hard.

8:51 PM Jim: still at :50, it appears that your husband is trying to be mean so that he can drive you away, and then he can say that you are the one who left.


8:50 PM [faithful] all I have to go and spend some time with my daughter and grandbaby.

8:51 PM [doveseyes] 49 sbky 366 is the cheapest

8:51 PM [hepsy] sbky - terrible...It is shocking when you get years and years of the mushy cards - believe me I have them all - then you get some lame card that you think why even bother!

8:51 PM [mariposa] Jim: H has not warmed up any to me after asking for forgiveness and prayers at church last weeks. Am so disappointed. I know it will take time but I had really hoped for more from him this week.

8:52 PM [mariposa] Jim: He has been out of the home in an apt. since July and in MLC for about 7 years.

8:53 PM Jim: mariposa at :51 and :52, remember that your marriage problems and your husband's internal struggles did not happen in 1 week. So give the process, and God, time to bring about the healing that is needed.

8:53 PM [Still] Jim at 52, I do believe he is doing that. My father has been witness to his verbal snips at me. He is very concerned that I am allowing myself to be mistreated.

8:54 PM Jim: Still at :53, remember that your emotional and spiritual stability needs to be coming from God, not from what your husband does or does not do.

8:53 PM [Bluesky] doveseyes that is actually a good price. My son couldn't find anything less than 400 for Thanksgiving from the east coast to AZ

8:54 PM [doveseyes] bluesky at 52 that’s good to know

8:55 PM [hepsy] calla - I am glad you are seeing some positive changes in your h. My h struggles so much with no sleep - I wish he would get help there - I think that would make a world of difference in his attitude..

8:55 PM [mariposa] Jim: He is, however, considering a sexual addiction conference that our counselor told him about. He asked me to check on airfare. Is on a wait list and called me today to ask if I had heard anything so I know that God is working. I'm just so tired of being patient. Seven years is a long time.

8:56 PM Jim: mariposa at :55, I know that 7 years is a long time, but I'm glad that your husband is taking some concrete steps to work on some of his issues.

8:55 PM [dogwood] Jim-- your response to Still at: 53 is so true, but almost impossible to achieve... the hardest thing for me too.

8:57 PM Jim: dogwood at :55, you are exactly right, that it's hard to do, but only God can be the true center of our spiritual and emotional selves.

8:57 PM [calla] hepsy - my H doesn't seem to sleep well either. I am grateful for the positive changes, just trying to be patient.:)

8:58 PM Jim: hepsy at :57, you are exactly right, that it's hard to do, but only God can be the true center of our spiritual and emotional selves. (same as what I just told dogwood)

8:57 PM [hepsy] Jim - I second that from dogwood at 55. It is very difficult to live in a marriage when one is being treated disrespectfully.

8:58 PM [wiffe] Jim-If I was to tell H that I did my changes for him what would that say to him? I tried to tell him I did it for me, the girls and God and he was like too bad u didn’t do it for me?

8:59 PM Jim: wiffe at :58, I think he knows that you are making changes for him - but he is just trying to pick a fight and see if he can test your behavioral changes, to see if they are real.

8:58 PM [dogwood] Jim-- how to make that happen to me? I do believe God truly, but when it comes to emotional needs, it is hard to grasp in reality

9:00 PM Jim: dogwood at :58, the only thing that keeps me stable, is I need to have a regular quiet time where I read the Bible and spend time talking to God. I also find that listening to praise music is a powerful positive influence for me.

8:59 PM [wiffe] I think God's been working overtime and he is trying to squish it by being mean and getting me mad at him but it won’t work.

9:00 PM [hepsy] still- so, you mentioned that h was nicer on Sunday. Did it change today?

9:00 PM [Still] Hepsy, he was nicer on Sunday. Today, I am wallpaper.....zero interaction with me.

9:01 PM [sbky] all I am going to sleep. night.

9:01 PM Jim: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim. James 4:8, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

9:01 PM [dogwood] Jim-- thanks. I also remember you have laid out some specific practical steps in your book

9:01 PM [calla] Still - that is the dance. My H clearly for awhile would back way off if he had been "too nice" to me - or at least that is the way it seemed.

9:02 PM [hepsy] still - sorry.. I know that must feel discouraging...

9:02 PM [mariposa] hepsy: Your kids are in college, right?

9:02 PM [sbky] lisak what is your email address

9:02 PM [lisak] HI ALL: I am back in as me now.

9:02 PM [wiffe] calla-are you restored?

9:02 PM [lisak] sbky: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

9:02 PM [calla] Wiffe - no.:( My H has slept in the basement for 19 months and is still there.

9:03 PM [hepsy] still - remember, I told you mine was nicer too.. well, during the day mostly.. but then in the evening he started to get irritable again..

9:03 PM [Still] Calla, yep the dance.

9:03 PM [lisak] Before I close out for the night - does anyone have questions about the retreat for me?

9:03 PM [Still] Hepsy,....ugh

9:03 PM [wiffe] ah. OK I agree it is a dance. When he gets to close he backs away. HEAVEN FORBID he shows emotion toward me.

9:03 PM [Still] Wiffe....no emotion. It might give us "hope".

9:04 PM [hepsy] still - hang in there..I know it’s tough.. my heart goes out to ya..

9:04 PM [wiffe] still- I hate to tell H but my HOPE is in the LORD. I know what he says. I see where H does show emotion so he might as well give in to it. Ya know. AS I always said while dating. GOD put us together for a reason.

9:05 PM [Still] Hepsy, thank you....right back at ya.

9:05 PM [sbky] lisak I am emailing you about it.

9:05 PM [sbky] night all

9:05 PM [Still] Wiffe, great thoughts.

9:05 PM [hepsy] calla - and you to Calla - wish I could stand at the top of your basement stairs and yell at your h " really????? another night down there????"" lol!

9:06 PM [Bluesky] goodnight

9:06 PM [calla] hepsy - can't tell you the number of nights I have wanted to do that! LOL!! Or how many times I have prayed that couch gets insufferably uncomfortable for him.:)

9:07 PM [dogwood] calla-- I went through that with h in his first mlc. he slept downstairs on a couch off and on for quite a while. I could not remember how he eventually came back to the bedroom. I guess that sometimes, they figured out that it is not that comfortable doing that... I remember that I went downstairs to beg him coming to bed, but he simply refused. I later stopped doing that. My pastor saying to pray over the couch against demonic spirit... etc.

9:07 PM [wiffe] calla-hmmm anyway to lose a spring :D

9:07 PM [hepsy] calla - well, I will be praying that also!!

9:08 PM [calla] dogwood - good advice. I really don't know how he can stand it. He is way too tall for the couch. I used to ask him to come up and stopped a very long time ago.

9:08 PM [hepsy] dogwood - I did that ! lol! prayed over the couch! and I hung crosses all over the house. For we do not fight against men, but spiritual forces!!!

9:08 PM [mariposa] calla: I have slept on the couch since H moved out. I can't seem to bring myself to sleep in that big bed by myself. Is just too lonely.

9:08 PM [calla] hepsy and dogwood - I have prayed over the couch and the basement many times. It is most definitely a spiritual battle.

9:09 PM [hepsy] calla - my h is too tall for couch also.. whatever.. I don't ask anymore.. although I did ask last night if he planned on sleeping there forever. My poor couch - I need to get it cleaned. It is blue and white! well, the white looks tan now! lol!

9:09 PM [calla] mariposa - so sorry.:( I know what you mean - it is soooo hard. My sweet dog cuddles with me at night now. Oddly, I can only sleep on my side of the bed - I have never moved to the middle.

9:09 PM [calla] hepsy - they sure are stubborn aren't they?

9:10 PM [mariposa] calla: My little dog cuddles with me too. I thank God for her.

9:10 PM [calla] mariposa - I am so thankful for my pup, too. She has been such a gift.

9:10 PM [hepsy] calla - me too! I still sleep on my side of the bed..alone..The cat was sleeping with me but I got tired of her waking me up in the middle of the night to play!

9:11 PM [calla] hepsy - I would kick out my dog if she wanted to play, too.:) Fortunately, she is out like a light all night.

9:11 PM [dogwood] calla -- my previous counselor when I was in Midwest told me to place my hand on my face while sleeping, imaging that were the hand of Jesus holding me.

9:11 PM [calla] dogwood- have you tried that? was it comforting?

9:11 PM [hepsy] calla - I keep a bath and bodyworks candle that says "p.s. I love you" on my h's nightstand. I won't burn it until he returns!!

9:11 PM [hepsy] dogwood - wow.. I might try that tonight..

9:12 PM [calla] hepsy - that's sweet! I hope he returns soon. Everything in MLC takes so long, but I do believe God can bring about sudden change as well.

9:12 PM [dogwood] calla-- not really working for me, but I can see that she was helping me to visualize the love of God when I could not sleep without h by my side.

9:12 PM [hepsy] calla - I know... I agree. But you know although God can be speaking to them, they have to want to listen. I pray for my h's ears to be opened.

9:12 PM [mariposa] dogwood: Me too. Thanks for the tip. Mornings are definitely harder for me than nights. Waking up with him not there is worse for me than going to sleep w/o him.

9:13 PM [calla] dogwood - even that takes time. It is such a process.

9:13 PM [swan] all it is past time for chat, if you have no questions for Lisa about retreat, the room is going to close in a minute.

9:13 PM [calla] hepsy - very, very true. My prayers have changed over the months to just that - that he will listen because no doubt God IS speaking.

9:13 PM [calla] nite all!

9:13 PM [hepsy] nite all. Sweet dreams

9:15 PM [swan] Goodnight everyone, please join us again on Wednesday evening

9:17 PM [plumcrazy] Goodnite LISA Take care

8:29 PM [dogwood] Jim-- I am developing new activities to keep myself busy and not clinging to H. however, I always asks him if he is interested in joining me (such as go to the gym together, taking a walk together, or to concert together, or taking a trips). He has not accepted any of the suggestions, and has been telling me to go on my own. Should I continue to invite him? Or should I stop asking him to do things together? It is hard when he complains that we have a wide communication gaps yet on the other hand, reject all my suggestions to rebuild relationships. What should I behave around him? He feels very tense around me since his affair was caught by me.

8:31 PM Jim: dogwood at :29, for now it's probably better to let your husband take the lead in how much he wants to be connected

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