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August 30, 2010 / with Jim Conway

8:13 PM [faithful] Jim my h email and said he wants to see the boys again. Has not seen them since Dec. But what bother me is he always ends the email with he wants his tools.

8:16 PM [Jim] faithful at 8:13, Holding his tools hostage would be counterproductive. It is good in the long run to have your kids stay connected with their father.



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Welcome. You have entered Chat With Jim-Aug. 30 6-7 pm PST.

7:59 PM [Beth] Hi I was wondering if anyone was here

7:59 PM [swanlake] Hello everyone

7:59 PM [wiffe] Hello

7:59 PM [nutterbutter] Hi everyone

Hello Everyone. Welcome to our new Chat Room - "maybe". We are giving this room a trial run through tonight to see how we all like it. If it works well, we may continue to test it out for a few more chat sessions with Facilitators to make sure they like it. Jim will be with us momentarily. Thank you for your patience. Lisa, Office Manager.

8:00 PM [swanlake] All, if you look over in the name menu, a key shows when someone is typing. Isn't this cool?

8:00 PM [Beth] Is this going to be our new chat room swanlake?

8:00 PM [nutterbutter] Yes, this is very nice.

8:01 PM [swanlake] Beth - that is the plan so far.

8:01 PM [wiffe] All-I have a praise

8:01 PM [wiffe] H and I spent time together last night and I got to sleep in his arms. Continue to pray for him.

8:02 PM [nutterbutter] wiffe: That is very good to hear.

8:04 PM [wiffe] Nutter-ALL-Even today when he brought the girls home I got to have a hug and a kiss. I'm proceeding with caution. I had to go back to work today and my daughter starts 1st grade tomorrow

8:05 PM [wiffe] Swan what's the difference between the blue and red sorry pieces next to our names. Anything?

8:05 PM [Beth] swanlake can you change the color of your words too

8:05 PM [swanlake] Wiffe - Blue are facilitators, red is Jim and/or Lisa, clear at other chat members

8:06 PM [wiffe] ok

8:06 PM [swanlake] Beth - @8:05 - only facilitators can change the text color, When facilitating you should change your color to blue so it will be easier for the members to catch responses.

8:06 PM [Beth] Swanlake this is interesting. I hope this works out. Lots of times we had problems with the other chat.

8:08 PM [swanlake] All - if you click on the person’s name it will move it into the text box, one of the nice little things of this chat

8:08 PM [Bluesky] Hi, oh how fun to be in the new chat. Thank you Lisa, Swan, and Jim. Blessings

8:09 PM [Bluesky] Swan, that typing thingy is neat

8:09 PM [swanlake] Beth - The other chat does have problems; it will be really nice if this does work. It doesn't have all the features, but is pretty nice

8:09 PM [nutterbutter] All: My H is opening up to me about what he felt like during his crisis.

8:09 PM [Bluesky] Lisa, I signed in from the one you sent me, is that regular or facilitator?

8:09 PM [Bluesky] wiffe, so could to have a praise. I am happy for you

8:10 PM [wiffe] Blue-Thanks. I only got about 4 hours of sleep but it was good sleep.

8:10 PM [swanlake]   - has anyone tried some of the icons just above the text box?

8:11 PM [nutterbutter] All: We went out for dinner and spent the weekend away from home.

8:11 PM [bluegoalie55] This is sooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome

8:11 PM [plumcrazy] Swan How can we get the people from the other room? Mariposa and some others were there

8:11 PM [Bluesky] all, as some of you know, I have been in crisis the last few days with my d. She moved out and never wanted to see me again. That was yesterday, and she is coming home tonight. PTL and you

8:11 PM [faithful] I had to register to get in. But I am glad to be here.

8:12 PM [swanlake] plumcrazy - Didn't know the other room was open, they simply need to leave that room and follow the instructions Lisa posted on the front page of the website to come here.

8:12 PM [Bluesky] bluegoalie, welcome, yes it is awesome!!

8:12 PM [wiffe] bluegoalie55 -Hey there

8:12 PM [plumcrazy] Swan-- It has Lisa as being in the room there too

8:12 PM [nutterbutter] Bluesky: PTL! That is great news to hear!

8:13 PM [wiffe] Bluesky-PTL

8:13 PM [DA] Evening everyone.

8:13 PM [wiffe] DA Good evening

8:13 PM [faithful] Jim my h email and said he wants to see the boys again. Has not seen them since Dec. But what bother me is he always ends the email with he wants his tools.

8:16 PM [Jim] faithful at 8:13, Holding his tools hostage would be counterproductive. It is good in the long run to have your kids stay connected with their father.

8:13 PM [DA] Hi Beth.

8:14 PM [Bluesky] nutterbutter, yes it is. We will now continue on with our trip tog to her school on Wed. H had a hand in this, so I think that is a good sign also.

8:14 PM [swanlake] plumcrazy - then I would guess that Lisa will instruct them how to come here. Guess people don't read the website as they come to chat!!

8:14 PM [wiffe] faithful -what tools?

8:14 PM [Jim] Hi Everyone. Lisa is coaching me on the new site. Sorry to take so long to say hi. I'm ready to answer questions and try this out.

8:14 PM [faithful] wiffe the tools like drill, hammer and so forth. But I need them for the house and rental property. He took some with him when he left.

8:14 PM [plumcrazy] Swan I know I don’t always pay attention to the website just click on chat

8:14 PM [DA] I registered a bit earlier today.

8:15 PM [wiffe] faithful -AH.

8:15 PM [faithful] Jim my question at 8:13 please

8:15 PM [Beth] DA are you new here

8:15 PM [nutterbutter] Jim: I think my H is coming out of the tunnel, he is communicating with me. We had a very nice weekend to celebrate our 24th anniversary. I am continuing to work on those areas you mentioned.

8:15 PM [DA] plumcrazy Lot of good stuff on that website.

8:15 PM [swanlake] Lisa - how did others get into the old room, I just tried to go there to tell them to come here and it doesn't have the old room as an option, so... Plumcrazy says she was there and others are there now?

8:15 PM [DA] No... I just shortened my user name from David Alan.

8:16 PM [faithful] Jim I did not want to tell him what to do so I ask him to tell me how he wants the visit with the boys.

8:16 PM [plumcrazy] Swan ---I tried to go back and log in to other room to tell them but I can’t

8:16 PM [Bluesky] faithful, funny, my h asked for 'his' last week too. Swan gave me great advice re: now that we are in the divorce process, I needed to check with lawyer as things are comm. property. I don't know what the 'my' tools is about either. I also need them for the house.

8:16 PM [Bluesky] nutterbutter, do share with us, that is great news too!

8:16 PM [faithful] Jim he told me the bus could drop them off and they could play in the playground or watch TV in the lobby while he finish work. son are 6 and 10. He wants them unsupervised for almost 2 hours.

8:18 PM [Jim] faithful at 8:16, It's positive that he wants to connect with the boys - tell him that. But he also needs to have a better plan about the boys being unsupervised.

8:17 PM [Beth] well welcome DA. Long time no see as they say.

8:17 PM [plumcrazy] All---This is so great being able to chat freely again.

8:17 PM [faithful] Bluesky at 8:16 yes I know. I want to remind him that they are our tool but I do not. I take time to respond so I do not regret what I say.

8:22 PM [Jim] nutterbutter 8:17, good for you, all of this sounds very positive.

8:17 PM [DA] I assume the new room doesn't recognize my facilitator status because I registered with a different user name.

8:18 PM [swanlake] DA - I was going to ask it that was you, but decided not to draw attention to you. How are you? You have tried to come into chat the past few nights and had no luck, this is much better - Yes!

8:18 PM [DA] nutterbutter congrats.

8:18 PM [Beth] Jim sorry

8:18 PM [faithful] Jim 8:16 is not that I want to hold the tool hostage I need them for repairs in the house and rental property wish he refuses to fix. He took some tools when he left.

8:23 PM [Jim] faithful at 8:18 see if you can work out something where you have a basic set of tools to do what you need to do.

8:18 PM [DA] swanlake - yep. I couldn't get in the past two nights.

8:18 PM [Bluesky] DA, nice to see you. I think we can register as a facilitator too.

8:19 PM [faithful] Jim 8:18 I am just so afraid to come across as pushy telling him what to do. I do not want him to go back in the tunnel. Is the first time we communicated in over two months.

8:25 PM [Jim] faithful and 8:19, I'm glad you don't want to be pushy. 6:20, Most men will shy away from the counselor suggestion - try meeting in a public place - McDonalds.

8:20 PM [nutterbutter] Bluesky @8:16: We spent the weekend at a very nice hotel and we went to dinner. And it was so nice to just enjoy each other's company.

8:20 PM [faithful] Jim I offer for the first visit to do it with a counselor present but he ignore that part.

8:20 PM [Beth] nutterbutter I am so glad for you. Keep up the good work

8:20 PM [Bluesky] nutter, can you refresh me on your situation prior? But what a great weekend.

8:21 PM [nutterbutter] DA @ 8:18:Thank you.

8:21 PM [bluegoalie55] nutter I was just going to ask the same question as bluesky

8:21 PM [DA] We hit 31 years in May. Didn't ever think we'd make it. ;-)

8:22 PM [plumcrazy] JIM-----H went to counseling appt with D's new counselor. He wanted to have the whole family come. He asked questions of H and S. Asked about what H does when he isn’t working. H didn’t mention all the time he spends playing online game

8:22 PM [Bluesky] swan, I got the Boundaries book, I took a peek in another of Cloud/Townsend books and was disappointed about something I read. He was telling of a man whose wife left him and she was not coming back, yet all of his friend kept telling him that she would come back, the author didn't think that was a good idea

8:23 PM [nutterbutter] Bluesky @ 8:20:My H came to me 2.5 years ago and said he thought he was having a midlife crisis. H told me he was fighting the desire to have an affair. He told me he had not had an affair. Then, things went really bad H would look at me as if he hated me. He did stay home the entire time and we even continued to attend church together.

8:23 PM [Bluesky] DA, congratulations! You should be proud.

8:24 PM [plumcrazy] JIM----Counselor asked what we did as a family. He said anyone could answer. I said H and kids are always on computers, D said that the 3 of them are lazy. I said we used to go hiking, fishing and boating in our inflatable boat. He asked what we could do as a family. D and H came up with going to the Bronx Zoo

8:24 PM [DA] Bluesky - could be the author saw some things that the guy’s friends did not. Often time’s friends will tell us what we want to hear rather than be bold and honest with us.

8:25 PM [faithful] Jim 8:23 thanks that is a good idea. I will pray over it and do inventory this weekend.

8:25 PM [Bluesky] Nutter, did he stay at home though? Interesting that he named the crisis himself.

8:25 PM [swanlake] Bluesky - obsessing is not a good idea that is why Jim tells us to work on growing ourselves and as I say to live your life forward. But you will find that not all counselors will recommend waiting for a spouse who has divorced you, that is when you read the information and use the things that benefit you best, work more on the setting of boundaries.

8:25 PM [plumcrazy] Mariposa ---I was wondering about you Glad you found your way here

8:26 PM [DA] Bluesky @ 6:25. Sometimes we figure it out.

8:26 PM [wiffe] All-H mentioned the me he sees for 5 minutes (he does see me more than that when he is here) How do I prove to him the Old me is gone. I don't want to be that person.

8:26 PM [faithful] Jim @ 8:25 thanks I will suggest it for their first time. So an overnighter will not be a good idea.

8:29 PM [Jim] faithful at 8:26, take it slow - an over nighter is probably too much to start.

8:27 PM [bluegoalie55] nutterbutter- how did you

8:27 PM [Jim] Welcome Mariposa. I’m Jim Conway, President of MLD. We’re here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email address, phone #, home address, or names. Now, here’s how to join in. 1) Type the name of the person(s) you want to speak to before your entry. 2) If you post an entry before you're done, then start your next entry with the name followed by "continued". 3) Use the words “To All” for a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you’d like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We’ll have them contact you to exchange information. Feel free to just watch, or join right in. Some of us have known each other for many years and may be talking about fun stuff, but we're here to help and encourage you, so don't feel like you're interrupting. If you don't get to see some of the replies to your questions, then check the archives at www.midlife.com later.

8:28 PM [faithful] All I am so glad chat is working tonight I have really been struggling with this issue.

8:28 PM [Bluesky] Swan, you are right, I am still in a fragile mood right now. I saw my C today and she says I am stuck. I respected me and understood my stand, but I think she wants me to accept things now and go on. I may have to consider changing C's now. IDK, a bit bummed, but she helped today with d.

8:28 PM [DA] Welcome Athena.

8:28 PM [bluegoalie55] nutterbutter sorry how did you deal with him staying? as in what did you do?

8:28 PM [nutterbutter] Bluesky: H even asked me to find info on MLC and that's how I found this site and I ordered Jim's book.

8:28 PM [Bluesky] DA, oooh an emoticon

8:28 PM [plumcrazy] ATHENA!!!!!! SO glad to see you It has been ages since you were here

8:28 PM [Athena] Hi Everyone! Hi Jim! I am so excited to make it here tonight

8:28 PM [faithful] Jim Thanks for the advice. I feel better about it and will pray about it and make a decision.

8:28 PM [Bluesky] can we lock this scrolling?

8:28 PM [DA] Bluesky : LOL!

8:29 PM [plumcrazy] Athena--I was thinking about you earlier. I almost called you but something came up and I didn’t get to call you

8:29 PM [Athena] Jim. My H came home but has left again. He lied & told me he wanted to go live alone but he's back w/hi20 yr old OW & I hear a few more as well. H says he wants a divorce & fell out of love w/me. That he's good guy who made a mistake marrying me. I assume it's really over now. He never hit rock bottom & w/him blaming me I think he may never realize it was him & MLC all along. Your thoughts?

8:33 PM [Jim] Athena at 8:29, you have to keep asking yourself the question, "why does he want to be away from me?" Those are the only things that you can change. He also may have other pains which are causing him to want to escape and temporarily spend some time at Disneyland.

8:29 PM [DA] Bluesky @ 6:28 - I don't see how yet. You can make it full screen though so you can follow it better.

8:30 PM [plumcrazy] Athena---Sorry to hear the new news.

8:30 PM [Beth] Lisa will we be using this chat room Wednesday too?

8:30 PM [Bluesky] DA, oh it is full screen, thankfully, and the text size is so much better, Yeah.

8:30 PM [mariposa] Hello everyone. Glad to figure out how to get here tonight !

8:30 PM [Bluesky] Athena, so sorry to hear that too. Hugs.

8:30 PM [nutterbutter] bluegoalie: Well, he wasn't actually home a lot. He had met some new "friends" so he was always at their house. One thing I did was work more because it was only the 2 of us at home.

8:31 PM [plumcrazy] Mariposa--Did the others there figure it out too? I logged out and came here

8:31 PM [DA] Hi MarySarah. Welcome!

8:31 PM [mariposa] Plum - no one was there when I left.

8:31 PM [swanlake] Bluesky - why, if you like the counselor, set boundaries with her too, but also be willing to listen when she is telling you something about yourself. When she says you are stuck, you most likely are and need to move forward, people tend to use the term move on. She might not be telling you that you need to give up on your husband or that you need to run right out and find another man, but we can get stuck and stay there, that is not healthy for us. I found that by getting involved with things, it really helped me not to stay focused on my husband so much and to be honest it feels good to help others. I love the feeling of growing and becoming a woman of God.

8:31 PM [plumcrazy] Mariposa--Ok thanks was worried you were stranded there

8:32 PM [faithful] DA thanks full screen is much better.

8:32 PM [DA] swanlake @ 6:31 - I agree with that big time.

8:32 PM [Athena] It's OK. I am sorry as well but I am so happy w/my heart full of God right now. I have nothing but forgiveness & well wishes for my H. I don't need him to complete me. I am just sad that he's chosen this path in life but he's God's child, not mine.

8:32 PM [faithful] Jim thanks I will ask him to decide where he wants to see the boys and to let me know. To start with a few hours and go from there.

8:32 PM [bluegoalie55] Nutterbutter My husband is home but in a different bedroom the hardest thing for me to do is give him space, and keep my hands to myself. I love him sooooo much but I want to do the best for him and this process, but I am so confused as to what steps I need to take to understand him so I don’t hinder "us"

8:32 PM [Beth] All I am reading and so far I like this room. Hope it worked out

8:32 PM [Athena] I continue to pray for all of us daily.

8:33 PM [sbky] hello everyone

8:33 PM [swanlake] All - if you miss something you can scroll back up to read it, this chat room doesn't jump back like the other one did, just remember to scroll back down when you are done reading.

8:33 PM [Athena] Wow this chat's packed tonight

8:33 PM [DA] swanlake @ 6:33 - that's a nice feature.

8:33 PM [plumcrazy] JIM---What do you think about H going to counseling appt. The counselor left it open He told us all whoever wanted to come to next appt was welcome. D asked what Dad thought of counselor. H said he was interesting

8:35 PM [Jim] plumcrazy at 8:33, it seems that your husband has not closed the door on the counselor idea.

8:33 PM [Bluesky] Swan, oh aren't you clever to get that boundaries word in there. I hear you.

8:34 PM [Beth] Athena yes it is nice to see such a crowd. This chat seems to be working better

8:34 PM [DA] Jim - Disneyland?

8:36 PM [Jim] DA at 8:34. I should probably have put Disneyland in "quotes". Meaning that it is a fantasy place that many midlife people go to, to escape the midlife pressures going on.

8:35 PM [mariposa] All: I made it through my 50th BD. H planned a party and even put his wedding ring back on for the occasion. Was super nice that day. bought me a necklace with his and my birthstones on it and then the next day flipped out on my again saying that he was tired of pretending. I'm so confused.

8:35 PM [nutterbutter] bluegoalie: I do understand that feeling all too well. I had to ask for God's help and wisdom as to how to deal with everything. We slept in the same bed and he wouldn't even touch me that was very hard.

8:35 PM [plumcrazy] DA--think Jim was referring to the OW's young age 19

8:35 PM [sbky] plum I am sorry I never got to talk to you today. I was at work. I sign my yahoo into my phone when I shut down at night

8:35 PM [DA] mariposa - ouch.

8:36 PM [swanlake] Bluesky - Hey them boys should be paying me royalties!!! But yes, I am now a firm believer in boundaries and you will hear that from me many many times. But only when it is honestly boundaries and not manipulation or attempt to control or threats. Once you finish the book you will understand the difference and there is a really BIG difference.

8:36 PM [Athena] Jim I've done all the changing. I love who I am. I know I am a good, God serving person. He just wants to go out & have a party pass. His friends all have wives from the "Don't ask, don't tell" club. My H wants to be a cake eater. I don't even know this guy he's become. He's really rather gross to me.

8:38 PM [Jim] Athena at 8:36, your husband is wrestling with some sort of pain or pressure which might have even started back in his childhood. I encourage you to intensely keep asking God to rescue your husband.

8:36 PM [DA] plumcrazy - ahhh... you mean wonderland.

8:36 PM [plumcrazy] Sbky--Don’t worry about it I was just kind of upset and wanted some advice.

8:36 PM [DA] swanlake @ 6:35 - I love their Boundaries in Marriage book. Was very helpful for me.

8:37 PM [MarySarah] Blue 9:31 I think esp. from girls, they do NOT want to see us hurting & "putting up with " H's behavior, move on so to speak b/c they can't imagine what they would do in same situation, they almost want permission from us to think they would move on if anyone did this to them. They are angry, but can't admit as daddy's girl that this is happening

8:37 PM [bluegoalie55] Jim - A few times you have mentioned finding out what our spouses needs are and "why does he want to be away from me" HOW ??? How do we identify these things to make the changes if when we ask they say there is nothing or that they don’t know what their needs are or what it is that we are doing to drive them away.... How do we figure this out?????

8:41 PM [Jim] bluegoalie55 at 8:37, you cannot ask your husband why he wants to be away from you, because he will probably not tell you the truth. But you can learn many of these things by other resources such as our books, or other books by Bill and Pam Farrel, or from many of the articles and question/answer sections on our website. You probably have noticed that I have mentioned to women the things which men commonly hate. These things might give you a clue. 1. Midlife Men complain that their wives are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children). 2. Midlife Men complain that their wives are overweight, out of shape, and do not care about physical appearance. Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man’s life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn’t have to beg. 3. Midlife Men complain that their wives have not had a new thought since they got married. They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man. How are you doing in these three areas?

8:37 PM [Beth] Athena I believe most of them become someone we do not know anymore. I know I do not know my H. he is not the man I married.

8:37 PM [Athena] Jim I think my H may be a narcissist. I wonder whether he's a narcissist in MLC? My oldest D said to me, "Mom I don't want you to ever get back together w/dad! He's a terrible H & you deserve so much better than that!"

8:43 PM [Jim] Athena at 6:37, Many men going through midlife crisis become narcissists, who are focusing on their own needs.

8:37 PM [sbky] all I see some retreat information I up. that is exciting

8:38 PM [Jim] To all: This is Lisa the new assistant. Some of you may have not had enough personal time with Jim, or you have a very private question that you didn’t want to discuss openly in the chat room. If you'd like to schedule a phone counseling session call us at 714-768-1777.

8:38 PM [faithful] Beth @ 8:37 Amen to that. Right now I am not sure how I feel about this man. Has given everything up for nothing. Got his car repossessed and was bumming a ride for 3 weeks. He now has a car. Working 7 days a week and has nothing to show for. even his phone was disconnected.

8:38 PM [swanlake] DA - I actually have every book they have written and found them all to be so helpful.

8:38 PM [Athena] Beth I am very gracious w/my H to spite the sick animal he's become but it's the projection of the blame onto me & the "I'm really a good guy who fell out of love stuff that I have such a hard time with.

8:39 PM [DA] Beth @ 6:37 - my wife used to say that. But honestly I was the same man - but all those parts of me that had been stuffed down tight and controlled in my heart came pouring out when ML hit.

8:39 PM [bluegoalie55] nutterbutter that was us and still is God has given me such peace and I trust this so completely. I just want to know if there is more I can do,,,, not to speed up the process but to help me grow or realize his needs.

8:40 PM [mariposa] bluegoalie - I, too am struggling with figuring out what his needs are and now how can I meet them while he is gone.

8:40 PM [Athena] Jim Thank you! I do & will continue my prayers for my H until the day I die. Even if he never returns to me I will never cease praying for his soul. I am sure it goes back to his horrible childhood. I am just very tired of getting blamed for his misery though & seeing him pick the devil's choice in females vs. God's choice.

8:40 PM [DA] We all wear masks. Getting beneath them can be very revealing and appear to someone looking from the outside in as if we are a different person.

8:41 PM [faithful] All nice talking to everyone and really like the chat room. God bless and take care. Have some thinking and praying to do.

8:41 PM [plumcrazy] Faithful---goodnight and take care Will say prayers for you and family

8:41 PM [sbky] all my h was telling me when this all first started he was talking to total strangers. I said why can’t you talk to me. he said I guess because you know me so well. what does that mean. I know you are messed up in the head?

8:41 PM [Beth] DA our son said his father has changed since he met ow. I have to agree. If his father had not changed he would not have left. He is doing things he never ever did when living with us. I remember our son wanting his ear pierced and H said no way. Yet he has one done

8:42 PM [nutterbutter] Beth & Athena@8:37:When my H was in the worst part of his MLC, he was a stranger to me.

8:42 PM [Athena] Jim when we were in Mexico last my 11 yr old D found rubbers in her nightstand from when his friends were there w/him. All married guys. All cheating on their wives as if it's a normal thing that they do b-c they can. I had to tell her they were yucky candy. I didn't know what else to say

8:42 PM [plumcrazy] Nutterbutter---Are you and H reconciled?

8:42 PM [Athena] Nutterbutter. Yes! Stranger. A very strange stranger at that! LOL!

8:43 PM [DA] Beth - could be he is simply revealing what he has kept carefully controlled and under wraps until now. I really believe a MLC is a catalyst that rips away our ability to hide who we are any more.

8:43 PM [Beth] DA H told our son when our son went to Mexico that he would bring home some disease yet less than 2 years later he is going. he has lost a lot of his relationship with his son

8:43 PM [Athena] All there is NO joy comparable to filling your heart w/God & giving this all to God! It was only when I REALLY did this that I was able to find some real happiness again & our MLCers are so good at taking that smile right off our face.

8:47 PM [Kathy215] Jim - I was thinking about that tonight - that I need to discontinue Facebook. I am going to do it and pray that God lets me now look at it.

8:49 PM [Jim] Kathy215 at 8:47, I'm proud of you for making this choice because sometimes things like Facebook can become an addiction.

8:47 PM [Jim] To all: This is Lisa the new assistant. Some of you may have not had enough personal time with Jim, or you have a very private question that you didn’t want to discuss openly in the chat room. If you'd like to schedule a phone counseling session call us at 714-768-1777.

8:47 PM [DA] Kathy215 - ever realize that that's built into a man? A man wants to rescue his bride. When he feels like that isn't a possibility any more, he will feel unfulfilled.

8:47 PM [Athena] MarySarah yes with God all things are possible! I will also pray for your H!

8:47 PM [swanlake] Bluesky - I haven't been up to a game, and I hope they are still there, but the St. Louis Blues.

8:47 PM [Kathy215] Jim - I guess He has and I guess I should listen!!

8:47 PM [Jim] Kathy215 at 8:47, it sounds as if God has been speaking to you about this issue.

8:48 PM [bluegoalie55] DA so how does a wife help her husband feel as though he is rescuing her?

8:48 PM [plumcrazy] David---that is interesting after I came back from retreat last yr H said he didn’t know if he could ever love me like a man should love his wife

8:48 PM [bluegoalie55] swanlake and Bluesky sorry but no one beats the Leafs

8:48 PM [nutterbutter] DA @ 8:47: That is very true, my husband shared that with me.

8:48 PM [DA] A great book to read on a man's heart is 'Wild at Heart' by John Eldredge. Might help offer some additional perspectives about what drives a man and why he struggles at times in his life.

8:48 PM [Bluesky] Swan, thank, I knew there was a team near you, I just couldn't think of their names.

8:48 PM [swanlake] BlueSky - the first year I was here, they had just finished a brand new arena for them.

8:48 PM [Athena] Kathy215 Our H's are very attracted to other unhealthy people right now. I think it's a "Like attracts to like" thing. Healthy women would run far & run fast from our H's! This is also why they aren't really attracted to us but as they get healthy again, theoretically I would think they would be???

8:49 PM [MarySarah] Kathy it will be ok, my kids are seeing more & more of ow's craziness & other's too, but if ow also has PD, she can be charming, etc.... for a season that is!!!!! Keep praying scales off H, kids, others. Many people around here know all negative ways of ow in my H's life, but my H can't now, she is good at selling self. BUT she too is under control of enemy pray her deliverance & to return to her own H

8:49 PM [Athena] Oh wow is David here tonight?! David how are you?! I've been thinking about you & hoping you are well

8:52 PM [Bluesky] bluegoalie, hahaha, my d has her first team but the leafs do come in second for her. I believe I have bought my fair share of jerseys for her.

8:52 PM [DA] bluegoalie55 - If she is complete self-contained and gives him the impression that she has no needs, he will feel isolated and cut off from her. At his core, he wants to fight for her.

8:52 PM [MarySarah] Athena & Kathy 9:48 So true, if a married man or sep man came up to any of us & we were available, you can bet we'd say no way!!!!!

8:52 PM [Bluesky] Swan, that rings a bell. Where were they before that?

8:52 PM [MarySarah] DA hey, couldn't figure out who you were, welcome

8:54 PM [Kathy215] Everyone - thanks so much for your wonderful advice and for making me feel better. I had a bad night and have been thinking I can't go on. I am leaving for a vacation in Italy on Wednesday. Hopefully it will help me heal.

8:54 PM [DA] (((((Athena)))))

8:54 PM [swanlake] Bluesky - before what?

8:54 PM [Athena] Mary Sarah! Yes LOL!

8:55 PM [nutterbutter] All: It’s been a good night in chat. You will all be in my prayers this week.

8:55 PM [Jim] TO ALL: I'm glad that this new chat room seems to be working well, and we'll continue to tweak it to make it even more user friendly for all of us. Also, please remember that my wife, Jan, and I pray for you guys all the time. We are asking for God to use the terrible stress of midlife crisis to bring about great growth and stability in all of your lives and marriages. Thanks for being in the chat room tonight. I look forward to chatting with you again next week.

8:55 PM [mariposa] All: Does anyone else every wonder if it were you having a MLC and seeing other men would your H fight for you ??

8:55 PM [sbky] night all

8:56 PM [DA] Kathy - have a great trip and come back refreshed!

8:56 PM [plumcrazy] Jim ---Are we keeping this chat room?

8:56 PM [swanlake] BlueSky - the St. Louis Blues have been here forever, even when I was a kid, used to go to their games all the time when I was in high school. It was just time for a new arena

8:57 PM [MarySarah] Jim & DA if our H's are charmers & emotions/moods turn on dime & past behaviors indicate future(often) & we can't trust what they say, how do we ever reach out to them, open up, or even try encourage them?

8:57 PM [Bluesky] Swan, I thought they came from somewhere else

8:57 PM [surety] hey hello.... I know I am really late

8:57 PM [Athena] DA My best to you!!! I hope you are doing well! Your job! Your life! Etc!!!

8:58 PM [plumcrazy] Hello Surety. This chat is working really well

8:58 PM [swanlake] Bluesky - football team came from someplace else - Los Angeles Rams are the St. Louis Rams

8:58 PM [DA] Thanks Athena.

8:58 PM [Bluesky] DA, interesting, I was in the throes of depression when my h left, and had just had a hysterectomy. I needed him...

8:58 PM [surety] plumcrazy... it is I played with it last week ..

8:58 PM [plumcrazy] Athena---Will you be around tomorrow during the day. I would love to call you

8:59 PM [Bluesky] Swan, I must have them confuse, not the first time as you know.

8:59 PM [Athena] All Got to go my children are starving & yelling for some dinner. I pray for all of us & will never cease on that! Hugs & God bless!!!

9:02 PM [DA] Blessings all! I need to run. Hope to join you again soon.

9:02 PM [plumcrazy] Goodnight Athena!!!!!! Love you!!!!

9:02 PM [bluegoalie55] can’t wait for Wednesday and to hear of some more blessings night all and thanks

9:02 PM [Athena] Plum yes I should be. My cells' always the best way to reach me. I'll only be gone to orthodontist & to drop off/pickup from school.

9:02 PM [plumcrazy] Goodnight DA

9:02 PM [Bluesky] Swan, that must have been it. I think you are right.

9:04 PM [Athena] Love you too Plum!!!

9:04 PM [Bluesky] all, what a wonderfully fast chat tonight.

9:04 PM [swanlake] Bluesky - The cardinals moved to Arizona, then a few years later the Rams moved from Los Angeles.

9:05 PM [plumcrazy] Swan---Are we keeping this chat?

9:05 PM [MarySarah] Athena & Kathy I have heard a few people we know say my H can't look @ me, write my first name, etc, b/c he sometimes feels he can't measure up to a "saint" I assure them I am no saint, I am very real with everyone I meet, love people & lots compassion, but my H never seems to be able to hear me, see me, understand me or believe me. So much projection too & justification that There is little to no real interaction. Too hard, too painful, no trust. Taken a long time to NOT believe lies H said about me

9:06 PM [swanlake] plumcrazy - we are testing the chat that is still to be determined.

9:06 PM [Bluesky] Swan, hahaha, oh those Cards, their stadium looks like a huge Jiffy Pop. Or from a distance it looks like a huge space ship that has landed. It dwarfs the Coyotes stadium right next door.

9:06 PM [surety] drat I was reading back and it disappeared.

9:06 PM [MarySarah] Can we lock scrolling here?

9:06 PM [swanlake] Bluesky - been there and you are so right.

9:06 PM [plumcrazy] Swan--Hope you got a free trial:}

9:07 PM [MarySarah] Not sure about the lines, but overall it seems great

9:07 PM [swanlake] MarySarah - don't need to lock it, just scroll up but remember to scroll back down

9:07 PM [MarySarah] It will stay Swan?

9:07 PM [Bluesky] Swan, oh you have? Boy do you have your work cut out for archiving tonight.

9:07 PM [swanlake] MarySarah - it will stay, doesn't jump back down

9:07 PM [plumcrazy] Swan--Are you going to be testing others too>?

9:07 PM [MarySarah] cool

9:08 PM [surety] Lisa , when a person logs out do their comments go with them.... I was reading a response from DA and now they are all gone from him and Jim since they logged out.

9:08 PM [swanlake] plumcrazy - don't know, I would imagine that if this one works we won't need to test others.

9:09 PM [swanlake] Bluesky - It might take me longer than 30 minutes to do everything, but I don't think it will be too hard

9:09 PM [plumcrazy] It was so nice to have a fully functioning chat room again

9:09 PM [lisak] Hi all, I'm here.

9:10 PM [lisak] Sorry for the delay.

9:10 PM [plumcrazy] Hey Lisa Hello

9:10 PM [MarySarah] Swan with my H having so much anger, confusion, yet absolute focus in getting away & keeping all he wants & with soooo much rebellion towards me I wonder if anything will allow him to feel free. Sometimes I think only dropping off face earth would do it for him & he would still blame me any way try deal with things like that

9:10 PM [Bluesky] Haha, guess what you can't do? You can't navigate away to another page. I came back and the whole chat was gone.

9:10 PM [MarySarah] Surety great ? good observation, that would not be so good

9:11 PM [Bluesky] Lisa, the pink is so pretty

9:11 PM [MarySarah] Surety, I mean Great!

9:11 PM [lisak] surety 7:08, unfortunately this chat room only shows the previous 100 entries. I'm going to check into if there's any way they can change that for us. Otherwise everyone will have to wait for the chat to get posted in the archives to read it all.

9:11 PM [MarySarah] Lisa, did everyone else have to re-register?

9:11 PM [lisak] ALL: There's a lot of pros with this new chat room, but the cons are all really bummers to be without.

9:11 PM [MarySarah] My name did not work to get in

9:12 PM [swanlake] MarySarah - even that will not make him feel free. I have no contact with my husband, don't discuss him with children, in-laws, grandson, no one and yet he is still not feeling free. You would think he would, he is divorced from me, married to the other woman, has his money, house, etc. Still not a happy man.

9:12 PM [Bluesky] Lisa, what are we missing?

9:12 PM [mariposa] Mine didn't either. I had to re-register

9:12 PM [MarySarah] Lisa cons? can these be archived too?

9:12 PM [plumcrazy] MarySarah --I had to re register to get in here

9:12 PM [surety] DA was answering how a wife could help a h feel wanted or something to that affect

9:12 PM [lisak] MarySarah 7:11, yes - everyone needed to reregister, we have NOT moved any of the user names and passwords over from the previous chat room. We wanted to give this a trial run to see if we like it before we do all the moving.

9:13 PM [swanlake] lisak - I'll let you know how difficult or easy editing is after I am done tonight.

9:13 PM [lisak] swanlake 7:13, I'm afraid it's going to be a nightmare for you?????

9:14 PM [mariposa] So what was DA's answer on making a husband feel wanted ? I didn't see it?

9:14 PM [swanlake] lisak - I don't think so, may take more time, but shouldn't be too bad.

9:14 PM [surety] mariposa : I was going to see it and the last few entries disappeared so we cannot see it until its edited I guess

9:14 PM [Bluesky] all, I take my comment about navigating away back. I had it full screen.

9:15 PM [MarySarah] Swan your H has been hit over head so many times, wonder if he has major concussion you are so wise, kind, fun, calm, intelligent, capable, forgiving & his thick head & hard heart doesn't get it, ughhhhhhh

9:15 PM [swanlake] mariposa - you will need to check the archive later, I will start working on it right after chat, don't know how long it will take, but I should have it posted on the website by tomorrow morning sometime.

9:15 PM [MarySarah] Swan Can I give him what for someday?

9:15 PM [mariposa] swan: thanks, I’ll check back later

9:16 PM [mariposa] all, that sounded like an important answer that I'm needing to know !

9:16 PM [lisak] the cons are mostly in the back-end for Facilitators to use.

9:16 PM [swanlake] MarySarah - NO, that isn't part of total forgiveness, no giving what for, I leave that to God, besides He carries a bigger stick.

9:16 PM [lisak] Mariposa - it will be in the archives.

9:16 PM [surety] mariposa : I agree...... can’t wait till its edited now.....

9:17 PM [swanlake] mariposa & surety - ladies, this is brand new and I just do not know how long it will take me to edit and post, but I will do so as quickly as possible.

9:17 PM [lisak] Well, the sooner we close down, the sooner our swanlake can start her editing for us. I was leaving it open for a bit so we can all practice with the new room.

9:17 PM [mariposa] Surety: pretty !

9:18 PM [MarySarah] Mariposa when I came out to share, ask H for help & to connect, he said no, pushed, ran, avoided, said I was crazy, read it in book, someone told me what say/do, said I didn't really feel way or need that, being martyr, dramatic no matter how calm, etc. yet still said didn't feel needed...He was one always gone, independent & expected me function alone a lot, NOTHING I can do RIGHT NOW will do it they feel guilty they weren't there for us sometimes

9:18 PM [surety] swanlake : it’s ok by me.... I will check it out in the morning or tomorrow some time..... no worries.... I know this is new.... and a challenge for you to archive it for us.... I will wait patiently really .......

9:18 PM [Bluesky] Okay, I will scoot out. Thanks all, great night.

9:19 PM [swanlake] surety - appreciated.

9:19 PM [Bluesky] it could be a problem with different colors for everyone.

9:19 PM [plumcrazy] Lisa Was this a little hard for Jim to follow,. Doesn’t seem like he gave as many responses as usual

9:19 PM [MarySarah] Swan 9:16 You know I am kidding, when I see you again, with him, I will give him a huge hug with your permission of course as a sister in Christ & yes, God's stick is HUGE

9:19 PM [surety] OK I will sign off..... have a great night..... sorry I was so late and missed a lot

9:19 PM [swanlake] Bluesky - only the facilitators have access to colors

9:19 PM [Bluesky] oh

9:19 PM [plumcrazy] Goodnight Surety Take care

9:20 PM [plumcrazy] Colors are for facilitators

9:20 PM [surety] MarySarah : a goofy thing we have..... I will change back

9:20 PM [mariposa] marysarah--life is unfair right now. ((Hugs))

9:20 PM [lisak] plumcrazy 9:19, yes - it was harder for us to keep up. In the other chat room we have a feature in the back end that we can highlight questions to know where we are in the chat. But I think we answered all the questions???

9:21 PM [plumcrazy] Jim did a pretty good job but some were missed

8:13 PM [faithful] Jim my h email and said he wants to see the boys again. Has not seen them since Dec. But what bother me is he always ends the email with he wants his tools.

8:16 PM [Jim] faithful at 8:13, Holding his tools hostage would be counterproductive. It is good in the long run to have your kids stay connected with their father.


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