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August 23, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:17 hepsy: dr. Jim - my h continues to sleep on couch. It is inconvenient for me if I want to get up and do something in the kitchen or den. Should I ask him to sleep upstairs in extra bedroom? And why doesn't he anyways? why the couch when we have plenty beds

6:24 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: hepsy @ 6:17: I would strongly urge you not to make an issue out of whether he sleeps on the couch or the be. It's important that he doesn't see you as a controlling person.

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There were some technical difficulties with chat this evening and it appears that only a couple of Jim’s comments posted before he was logged out of the chat room.

August 23, 2010 / Monday 6-7 pm PST Chat with Jim / CR#2


5:59 LisaK [Programmer]: Hi Chat Room Guests. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I enjoy serving the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through the tough times of midlife crisis. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to make a tax-deductible donation to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you. Jim will be online with us momentarily; he will read your questions and dictate his replies to me so I can type them for you to read. Jim has time for all questions that are posted before the end of the hour. Thanks for understanding.

6:00 LisaK [Programmer]: "Slow down. Take a deep breath. What's the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway?" (Jeremiah 2:25 Msg).

6:01 LisaK [Programmer]: Heavenly Father, I am asking that you'll be with us tonight and keep the chat room running smoothly, may You be glorified to all who read this chat. Thank You Lord, In Jesus' Name, Amen.

6:02 Swanlake: Hello everyone

6:03 bluegoalie55: All - Hello

6:05 Still: Hi everyone.

6:06 MarySarah: Swan, the other day you asked me about H's relationship with his mom when we were talking about some of these men not feeling needed. Remember for many years H had very high expectations, shallow attachments/surface with many, expected lots independent time & poured 200% into anything he did, lots obsessions, esp. hobbies & even job initially, but not our relationship or other ones were obsessive, but recent yrs they were more new things, more obsessive, less home, very obsession W/ OW & his relationship Any time I gently even tried ask for help or for something wanted/needed, answer was usually no or I didn't seem know what I wanted or needed, this was intensified more last several yrs. I was his moral compass/stability so does that answer what you were asking me about & did you get info about his relationship with his mom?

6:07 hepsy: still - hi there. I have been thinking about how you are doing - since our stories are similar. My h was out of town last week and it felt nice not to walk around on eggshells. Now he is here and it is back to the same old routine...

6:08 doveseyes: Dr. Jim...my husband had been gone for over a year. He says now he wants to come home but doesn't want to get any help. What is your response to that...he has been with various women, we have had little contact with him. I don’t know what to do...thx

6:09 Plumcrazy: Was just reading back Hi everyone

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: The sun has just set over Crooked Lake in No. Michigan. It was a beautiful sunset. I have 3 sets of grandchildren and in-laws visiting. So I cannot stay very long tonight. Please ask your important questions, short and straight to the point early. Let's go.

6:11 Still: Hi hepsy. My H was out of town, too. Yes, it was a nice respite. He is now back....very, very grouchy, withdrawn, and lethargic. It makes it tough to be around.

6:17 MarySarah: Doveseyes 6:08 I am sure this is scary & so hard, yet hopeful too. Praise God your H wants to return, God is working & He will change your H & grow you & give you the grace, patience, wisdom, forgiveness & love you need for your H to see God in you!

6:17 Plumcrazy: All--H went to family appt with D's new counselor. Counselor wanted to meet the whole family and see how we get along I think. No negative remarks by H! PTL!!!

6:17 hepsy: dr. Jim - my h continues to sleep on couch. It is inconvenient for me if I want to get up and do something in the kitchen or den. Should I ask him to sleep upstairs in extra bedroom? And why doesn't he anyways? why the couch when we have plenty beds

6:18 Surety2: Dr. Jim; I emailed you today... when our h ask for a D to clear their heads, are no longer angry, are very positive, still confused, and want to regain everything, man I don’t even know what I am asking......could they be deceiving ?

6:20 MarySarah: All Please give God praise as one of our members here & I prayed & spoke other day about H's lack attachment to OW & thought something was up & prayed on it & less 24hrs later God revealed to her that OW broke up with her H again! Pray hedges around her H & all our H's/W's here & across the globe. I mean hedges of thorns!!!!!!!!! Praise God!

6:20 Surety2: Jim; says he only wants me, knows what he’s doing, but can’t deal with the loneliness.

6:22 Surety2: Jim; if we know the D usually isn’t the answer and will not cure the situation, How do we suggest other options, without such a drastic outcome.

6:24 wiffe: Hello

6:24 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: hepsy @ 6:17: I would strongly urge you not to make an issue out of whether he sleeps on the couch or the be. It's important that he doesn't see you as a controlling person.

6:25 MarySarah: Jim I know you've said tender then tough, but what about H with deeper issues & became more cruel or took more advantage of kindness even makes threats legal, etc & doesn't seem to ever waffle & move towards home, still tender then tough? What about communicating & filling in developmental gaps encouraging growth, not enabling if they have personality disorders?

6:29 MarySarah: Plum I need to send you the link to covenant marriage for life conference in N.E. or did I already do that?

6:30 MarySarah: Faithful how is it going? Your H is home or moving towards you, right?

6:31 MarySarah: Surety2 Did I see you've had positive connections with H, PTL

6:31 bluegoalie55: Dr Jim - My husband has just moved out of our bedroom and into the spare room. I remained calm, I asked him what he feels his needs are (in general) or his wants his reply I don’t know. What is the #1 thing to do or not do? I do everything for him

6:32 Swanlake: MarySarah - I apologize, but I would need to read chat from the other night to refresh my memory. I believe I was asking if there is a chance that he is projecting feelings from his relationship with his mother onto you and that is why he seems to seems to be harsh with you, lacking tolerance for what you do, etc.

6:34 MarySarah: Plum 6:17 Praise God does your counselor have you open & close with prayer?

6:37 MarySarah: hepsy, maybe he doesn't want to give you "false help" like they claim & maybe he doesn't feel worthy or a room feels more permanent or sleeping in sep room seems more obvious to others? IDK, just some guesses

6:40 MarySarah: Surety2 6:18 I am sure you are so happy for positive, that you want more of it & less confusion, maybe coming out of fog takes longer than we think & they have sleep in their eyes, or smoke in their eyes from fires of hell PTL he's losing anger

6:40 MarySarah: Hey wiffe & koko

6:41 MarySarah: Hey KM2

6:42 koko: Jim struggling right now while on vacation W leaned on me several times .head on shoulders, chin on back to talk to friends. Had me put socks on her cold feet one night. I just do not know how I should react let her keep leading at her pace?

6:43 Surety2: yes and PTL its been encouraging, but still leery

6:51 MarySarah: Swan 6:33 I am pretty sure you are right on

6:53 MarySarah: KOKO 6:42 Yes, let her lead so she can feel safe I know it's hard PTL she is connecting

6:55 MarySarah: All, I really just miss my H & my dtr & so want to just bake cookies, make lunches, rub backs & feet, dance in rain, camp, hunt, fish, have fun, be quiet & sit together, just be near & together. MLC stinks soooo badly

7:00 Plumcrazy: Back had to go take care of Laundry. No MarySarah the counselor doesn’t open and close with prayer

7:01 MarySarah: Plum, I would say if they are Christian counselor, I should hope he/she would, esp. if you asked

7:05 MarySarah: Hey wiffe

7:06 swan admin [Programmer]: Well all, guess we should close for tonight, see you Wednesday.

7:08 wiffe: I go to a Christian based counselor and only a couple of times has he forgotten at the beginning but he always does at the end.

7:10 MarySarah: Wiffee, my counselor was great in prayer, & the kids' counselor is a pastor & social worker/ lic. counselor & he prays too

7:17 MarySarah: Goodnight all! God Bless

6:17 hepsy: dr. Jim - my h continues to sleep on couch. It is inconvenient for me if I want to get up and do something in the kitchen or den. Should I ask him to sleep upstairs in extra bedroom? And why doesn't he anyways? why the couch when we have plenty beds

6:24 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: hepsy @ 6:17: I would strongly urge you not to make an issue out of whether he sleeps on the couch or the be. It's important that he doesn't see you as a controlling person.

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