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August 16, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:23 Yoli: Jim: H continues to force the girlfriend on daughters. Despite the fact that they can't stand her and the feeling is mutual. Are they so blind that they can't see this or don't care?

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 Yoli: Your daughters need to make their own decisions about your husband's actions. Your focus should remain on your own growth and changing.

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August 16, 2010 / Monday Chat with Jim 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

5:47 LisaK [Programmer]: Hi Chat Room Guests. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I enjoy serving the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through the tough times of midlife crisis. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to make a tax-deductible donation to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you. Jim will be online with us momentarily, he will read your questions and dictate his replies to me so I can type them for you to read. Jim has time for all questions that are posted before the end of the hour. Thanks for understanding.

5:51 LisaK [Programmer]: Heavenly Father, please please we ask that you will be present in the room tonight, keep it clear of bugs and working well tonight. Help us, Lord, to find the best chat room software program to meet our needs over the course of the next week, so that we can be freed from this chat room that has grown old and causes problems. Bless everyone here tonight, that they may get their questions answered by Jim without delay and problems. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

"Your Father knows what you need before you ask him" (Matthew 6:8).

6:01 Swanlake: Hello everyone

6:01 LisaK [Programmer]: Hi Tamashii and Swan. :o) Waiting for Jim to call still.

6:02 LisaK [Programmer]: Tamashii - CA retreat! Hope you can come.

6:02 Swanlake: Hey Lisa - just got home a little bit ago, thought I would jump in and say hi to everyone, catch up, etc.

6:02 Plumcrazy: LISA-----AMEN

6:03 Free to fly: Hello everyone

6:03 Plumcrazy: Hello Jim---How are you and Jan?

6:03 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Hi Everyone. Glad we can be together tonight. What would you like to talk about?

6:04 Plumcrazy: Lisa--will you be posting more info about retreat soon?

6:04 wiffe: all-I just have to cool down a bit before I start talking.

6:04 Plumcrazy: Wiffe--Take a deep breath!!!

6:05 Bluesky1: Lisa, thanks for the update and all you do.

6:05 Plumcrazy: Wiffe ---It helps to talk about things. This is a SAFE place to vent

6:05 Free to fly: Dr. Conway: I'm starting to see some changes in my H. The emails are nicer and he's trying to justify to D why he left...for some reason the enemy is convincing me that it’s all in my mind

6:05 wiffe: ?-all-how do I do school this year. My H will be at my house everyday having to either get the oldest off to school or home from school and the youngest he will have to keep some days.

6:06 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: WIFFE, HEPSY, Hi there. I think this is our first time having you here while I'm in the room. Glad to have you. Please type the name of the person you are talking to before you put in a post with a question or an answer. That we can scan down the page to find questions for ourselves easier. Thanks.

6:06 Plumcrazy: Bluegoalie ---Glad you came back tonight with Jim here.

6:07 koko: Jim just got back from vacation in Disney. W seemed to have good time. No stress. Even put her head on my shoulders during bus ride home. Some physical touching when we were out to eat w friends. Slow but seems positive.

6:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Bluegoalie55 - Hi and welcome. See the post I just did at 6:06 to Wiffe and Hepsy. :O)

6:08 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 Plumcrazy: This is Lisa. :O) Yes - more will be added soon.

6:09 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:05 Free to fly: It's very important that your whole family sees you growing and changing and doing your part in this process. His more gentle email is a good sign.

6:09 Free to fly: wiffe: Pray and ask God to help you by giving you patience and self-control, I know it’s hard. I had to do the same thing earlier this year but take small steps by trying to focus on you and your relationship with God.

6:09 wiffe: All-Do I continue to have the girls call him every night? Part of me thinks he should be calling to talk to his girls. I've told him when bedtime is. BUT NO I'm the one calling then when I don’t he makes it seem like I'm trying to keep the girls from

6:11 wiffe: All-Praise-I let my H have the extra car to help him out so he isn't spending so much in gas in his jeep. WELL he did make the payment today on it. Praise the Lord. Got to find happy things.

6:11 Plumcrazy: Evaline--Nice to see you. You haven’t been here in a while

6:11 hepsy: dr. Jim -what I understand basically is that there is nothing I can do for my h - he has to go through this and I have to just be fun, keep things light, work on myself and pray .. Yet it seems like he's getting worse..

6:12 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:07 koko: yes, this does seem positive, keep giving her lots of affirmation.

6:12 Free to fly: Hey Plum: How are you?

6:13 Plumcrazy: Jim---How hard is it to find a time to do phone counseling with you?

6:13 Plumcrazy: Hi Free---I am OK

6:14 MAS: Lisa: Can you tell us where In CA the retreat is going to be?

6:14 Plumcrazy: Hi Yoli---How are you?

6:14 Bluesky1: Free, I wanted to ask you what you did for your anniversary last week, did you send a card? My h bday is tomorrow and our anniversary the day after.

6:15 hepsy: Dr. Jim - when will your other book "his midlife crisis" be available. Your website said July 2010 but it is already Aug.

6:15 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:11 hepsy: There are many positive things that you can do for your husband - the most positive is to understand him and be his cheerleader. Let me ask you how you are doing in the three areas that midlife men complain about. 1. Midlife Men complain that their wives are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children). 2. Midlife Men complain that their wives are overweight, out of shape, and do not care about physical appearance. Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man's life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn't have to beg. 3. Midlife Men complain that their wives have not had a new thought since they got married. They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man. How are you doing in these three areas?

6:15 Free to fly: Dr C: I'm working on myself. I lost quite a bit of weight and I'm not really engaging in any conversations with him. He has literally been throwing the kitchen sink at me to get a reaction. I've remained calm and had no reactions

6:15 mariposa: Dr. Jim: This is my first time to get to chat with you in the room. I've read Men in MLC and Your H MLC and thought they were so helpful. My H moved out about a month ago. He has been going thru this for about 7 yrs. OW (plural) involved.

6:17 Yoli: Plum: Okay, how are you?

6:17 koko: Jim do I keep letting her move towards me or how should I respond I don’t want to seem too aggressive or move to fast

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:13 Plumcrazy: I'm giving more time to phone counseling than before. As you might have noticed by the blurb on the home page.

6:17 evaline: Plumcrazy, Thanks, I haven’t been in chat for a while, I did miss chat...but I have been trying to get myself together

6:17 Plumcrazy: Jim-I have been doing well not to react to H. We started to get in it and I walked away. Later when we went to bed H started something. I got up and went downstairs

6:18 Free to fly: Hey MAS/Cricket

6:18 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:14 MAS: This is Lisa - Yorba Linda, California.

6:19 Bluesky1: MAS, it says it on the front page. Yorba Linda

6:20 mariposa: Dr. Jim: He is in contact still w/ me daily. I am still doing his laundry ! My friends all think the laundry thing is too much but my mind keeps going back to Rom 12:20.If your enemy is hungry, feed him. I feel the Spirit led me to that verse.

6:21 Plumcrazy: Jim---I came back upstairs and he was upset. I sighed because I was sad. H started punching himself in the head really hard, sickening and loud gave me an earache. I told him if he hit himself again I would have him committed.

6:21 Plumcrazy: Jim--He had a headache the whole next day as a result. What do I do?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:13 Plumcrazy: Yes - I'm doing more private sessions these days, as you can see by the blurb on the front page.

6:23 Plumcrazy: MAS ---Lisa said retreat is in Yorba Linda CA It is on the website here

6:23 Yoli: Jim: H continues to force the girlfriend on daughters. Despite the fact that they can't stand her and the feeling is mutual. Are they so blind that they can't see this or don't care?

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:15 hepsy: The book is in the galley stage of printing and should be available in a few weeks.

6:25 evaline: Dr. Jim, My H & I decided to cancel the divorce, and we are in counseling, he says he wants to move back home in Oct. when the lease is up on the house where he lives, says does want to keep renting, OW is still involved,,, should I be cautious

6:25 Plumcrazy: Jim ---Thanks for the info I missed that I will look at the website

6:25 hepsy: dr. Jim - I have been here in chat with you once - you mentioned those things and I responded to that - I am not naggy and controlling anymore, look good for 48 yrs @ 105 lbs. - no sex as he will not allow - went back to work - I teach school

6:25 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:15 Free to fly: Talk to me about my answer to Hepsy at 6:15. How are you doing in all of those areas.

6:27 wiffe: All-This situation is killing me. I just want my DH to wake up and come home to his family...He always said Family was important.

6:27 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:15 mariposa: Glad you're in the room tonight. Nice to meet you. Remember that it is important to understand what your husband is going through and do you part to eliminate any complaints he might have about you or the marriage. Other areas of the midlife struggle, he will have to do on his own - but your part is very crucial in this process.

6:28 mariposa: plum: I, too, have been "in trouble" for sighing !!

6:28 MAS: BlueSky and LisaK: I just saw it on the website. Thanks!

6:28 bluegoalie55: All hello just reading conversations so far

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:17 koko: Reconnecting with your wife is like a careful dance, where you are neither aggressive nor passive. Remember to keep understanding what her needs are, and try to meet those needs.

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:15 hepsy: this is Lisa - whoops, I need to get that updated, sorry, and good catch!

6:30 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:17 Plumcrazy: It's good to avoid problems and conflicts, but remember to give him lots of affirmation and understanding.

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:20 mariposa: It's good that you are continuing to do kind things for him - and remember every time that you have any contact with him, to be sure that you are positive and upbeat, lots of affirmation, that you are looking attractive - and you are continuing to understand his needs.

6:33 Hannah2: Hi everybody

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:21 Plumcrazy: Obviously your husband is very stressed by the situation - but I'm guessing that he thought your sighing was a tool to manipulate him.

6:33 wiffe: Dr. Jim-So right now what we want to happen doesn't matter. Like I wanted him to go with our girls to the zoo and he said no.

6:33 MAS: Free to fly: Hi there. How are you tonight?

6:33 bluegoalie55: Dr. Jim - how do we as a family my in-laws and I best support my H? He is still in the home but is looking to move into a separate room with the intention of leaving as soon as funds allow?

6:34 MAS: Plumcrazy@6:23 I just noticed it on the webpage. I didn't realize it was already posted! Thanks!

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 Yoli: Your daughters need to make their own decisions about your husband's actions. Your focus should remain on your own growth and changing.

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:25 evaline: I'm glad you have decided to cancel the divorce and that you are in counseling. The counseling process should help you to understand the problems that each of you have had with the marriage. Ideally, it would be best if these problems were thoroughly resolved before your husband moves back in - otherwise the same problems will reoccur.

6:36 Bluesky1: all, we have so many new people, I think I will leave and see if that gets better for you so the new ones can converse. Hugs

6:36 Kathy215: Dr. Jim: My H's MLC internet affair has now become physical. I am devastated. I know how you say what men look for, but my H did the opposite. I take very good care of myself and always have. This girl is younger than I am, but very heavy

6:37 bluegoalie55: Dr Jim What would you say is a wife’s most crucial part in her H's MLC process?

6:37 Kathy215: Dr. Jim: She uses bad language and sings in a rock band. She has tattoos everywhere and is the complete opposite of me - he tells her she's beautiful. It makes me feel awful. I did go to his house the other night when she was there and it was awful

6:37 Kathy215: Dr. Jim: What is your advice for me?

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:25 hepsy: I'm proud of you for working so hard to restore your marriage. Maybe we need to talk in a private phone counseling session together.

6:38 Kathy215: bluegoalie55: excellent question - I've been wondering the same thing.

6:39 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:27 wiffe: don't get focused on what your husband was in the past - try to understand his current needs - blaming him for not thinking the same way is counterproductive now.

6:40 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:28 bluegoalie55: You're always welcome to read, and welcome to join in too.

6:41 faithfull: Mas how are you doing?

6:42 faithfull: Dr Jim my s28 has not been able to get a hold of his dad, he will not return his call. I also email him about a bill collector and he did not reply. He usually replies. What should my son or I do.

6:43 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:33 wiffe: sometimes midlife men are in such confusion that any family responsibilities puts them over the edge - so be careful not to come across as pushy, and give him some necessary space.

6:46 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:33 bluegoalie55: The way you start the process is to understand what your husband's needs are and why he wants to be away from you. Then I encourage you to do what you can to fix those issues.

6:46 wiffe: Dr. Jim-What about school and having to put our daughter on the bus. He will be at the house EVERYDAY.

6:47 bluegoalie55: Kathy215 Thanks

6:48 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:36 Kathy215: As you step back and take an objective look at the situation, ask yourself what needs are being met in your husband by this other woman.

6:49 wiffe: Dr Jim-What if you can't tell what your husband’s needs are?

6:49 faithfull: where is Yorba Linda in CA

6:50 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:37 bluegoalie55: It's most important to completely understand his needs, do what you can to meet his needs, give him lots of affirmation, enlist lots of people to be in prayer for both of you, and continue to work on your own personal and spiritual change.

6:51 Kathy215: Dr. Jim: The OW is a lot like my H. In fact, I asked him one time if he would ever date her and he said no, it would never work out because we are too much alike. How can I compete with being just like him?

6:52 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:42 faithfull: Probably your husband feels that both of you are going to blame him instead of trying to understand and help him. It might be good for your son to drop by for a spontaneous friendly chat so that your husband can see he doesn't have to be afraid.

6:52 MAS: faithfull: Hanging on as best as I can. I just saw you come in...How are you?

6:52 Kathy215: Dr. Jim: Plus - the OW idolizes my H.

6:54 bluegoalie55: DR Jim What if the only response he will give to any question is that "I love you but I am not in love with you" That’s it that’s what he tells everyone. When asked if he will go for help he just says no it’s over.

6:55 faithfull: MAS just trying to stay focus and not think too much. Trying to keep my focus on God otherwise satan gets in and attacks me.

6:56 faithfull: Dr Jim but s found out ow 18 years old is here in the states with h. Not sure if he she is still here so that would put him in a very awkward position. Plus h was very specific about not wanting people to just come by. ow is 10 years younger than my son.

6:58 mariposa: Dr. Jim - I'm having a hard time discerning how much space to give him. When I don't initiate phone contact he tells me he wishes I would more. I'm trying to meet his need for time away from me.

6:58 Plumcrazy: Faithfull---I think I am being attacked because I was kind of bragging about how good a job I was doing and how I was starting to feel at peace. Guess I got to boastful

6:59 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:46 wiffe: what is your husband's problem in putting your daughter on the bus?

7:00 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:49 wiffe: Have you read our book, "Men In Midlife Crisis" and "When A Mate Wants Out"? Also the book by Pam and Bill Farrel, "Men Are Like Waffles, Woman Are Like Spaghetti"? They will both help you with this.

7:00 faithfull: Plum yes we can let our guard down. Satan is just waiting to find our weak spot.

7:00 wiffe: Dr. Jim-It isn't so much putting her on the bus more of he will be at my house (he moved out) everyday. morning and night.

7:01 mariposa: Dr. Jim: So you feel it is important for adult children to maintain friendly contact ? Some ppl are advising them to not initiate contact to let him know what he will be missing if he breaks up our family.

7:01 Plumcrazy: Faithfull--MY weakness seems to be my big MOUTH

7:01 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:51 Kathy215: I still think there are more significant reasons (your husband's needs) why your husband is choosing this other woman over you. He obviously has some problems with her - but seems to have fewer problems with her, than with you. Plus he seems to be getting lots of adoration from her. How can you change this balance?

7:02 faithfull: Plum mine too but I am learning. I just apologize to my son for getting into his affair.

7:02 wiffe: Dr. Jim-No I haven't I've read others. I looked for the Mate wants out one but couldn't find it at my local store.

7:04 faithfull: Good night to all.

7:05 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:54 bluegoalie55: The words "love you, but I'm not in love with you" are code words for "my needs are not being met in this marriage and I don't think the situation will change enough for me to work at it."

7:05 MAS: Goodnight everyone.

7:05 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:56 faithfull: I don't think the issue is the age of your son or the other woman. It is what your husband feels has been missing in your marriage relationship. Maybe we should talk by phone.

7:05 Plumcrazy: Jim@7:05---Thanks for the translation. I always wonder what H meant when he said that

7:06 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:58 mariposa: It is difficult to decide how much space because he will be continually changing, so let him take the lead - as he wants you to respond - move closer - when he is becoming more distant - give him some space.

7:06 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 7:00 wiffe: I'm not sure I understand your question. Maybe we need to talk by phone?

7:07 Plumcrazy: Jim--I think Wiffe is asking how she should handle interacting with H everyday with their D

7:08 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 7:01 mariposa: I think it is helpful if adult children can keep civil and friendly connections, but at the same time - let your children tell their father they don't agree with his moral choices.

7:08 mariposa: Thank you everyone and especially Dr. Jim for your help tonight.

7:09 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim. James 4:8, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

7:09 wiffe: Plum: that might be it. Considering I have to leave for school and he will be at our house.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." Genesis 50:20 "Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30 God uses problems to correct us. Some lessons can only be learned in the darkness, through pain and failure. "It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." Psalm 119:71-72 Problems, when responded to correctly, are character builders. "We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4 God is at work in and around you. You may not see His hand, hear His voice or even understand His process, but you can rest assured that you can trust His heart. Remember, every problem points to a promise.

7:10 Plumcrazy: Hey Lisa---Could you let me know the soonest opening Jim would have for phone counseling?

7:11 LisaK [Programmer]: Thank you Heavenly Father for getting us through the entire hour, slowly but surely, it was nice to answer all questions, and I pray that you would move Jim and I aside, and let your glory and guidance poor out to everyone here tonight, and to all who read this in the future. In Your Precious Name I pray, Amen.

7:12 Plumcrazy: AMEN!!!!

7:12 wiffe: Amen

7:13 Plumcrazy: Goodnight Everyone take care

7:14 LisaK [Programmer]: goodnight all. God Bless.

6:23 Yoli: Jim: H continues to force the girlfriend on daughters. Despite the fact that they can't stand her and the feeling is mutual. Are they so blind that they can't see this or don't care?

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 Yoli: Your daughters need to make their own decisions about your husband's actions. Your focus should remain on your own growth and changing.

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