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August 09, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:02 hepsy: Hi Dr. Jim - my h comes home every nite drinking - makes communication even more impossible. Sometimes I feel so hopeless like nothing will ever get better. He is so changed...

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:02 hepsy: Alcohol is used by people as a way to cover up pain, disappointment, rejection, etc etc. If alcohol has been a long standing problem with your husband, it probably is related to some painful issues which came out of his childhood. Generally midlife men will use the same kind of pain medications more extensively than they did earlier in their lives.



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August 09, 2010 / Monday chat with Jim 6-7 pm PST / CR#2


5:59 LisaK [Programmer]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he’ll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via PayPal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:01 Bluesky1: Hi hepsy, Lisa and Jim, how is everyone?

6:02 hepsy: Hi Dr. Jim - my h comes home every nite drinking - makes communication even more impossible. Sometimes I feel so hopeless like nothing will ever get better. He is so changed...

6:03 hepsy: bluesky1 - kind of depressed. spent a lovely weekend with my daughter. I didn't want to come back home.

6:04 Bluesky1: Yoli, Still and Tam, getting in early

6:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: HI EVERYONE, I hope you are having a great summer, and not overwhelmed by heat or the down economy. I’m grateful to God for everyone’s commitment to save their marriages and to continue helping each other. I’m glad for the ongoing opportunity to work in the lives of people who are struggling with their marriages. I want to encourage each one of you that even though you are experiencing pain, try not to let that pain become destructive in the lives of other people both your family and the people in the chat room. This is a hard balance to maintain because we want people to be able to share their pain, but make sure that the sharing of your pain does not put someone else down or make their situation more difficult. LET’S BE GIANT CHEERLEADERS FOR EACH OTHER WITH NO DESTRUCTIVE WORDS COMING IN THE CHAT ROOM OR IN OUR EMAIL TO EACH OTHER. The scripture tells us that we are to encourage and build up one another – not tear each other down. What are your questions for today?

6:06 Plumcrazy: Hello Everyone

6:07 Still: Hi Blue.

6:07 Plumcrazy: hey what I typed isn’t showing/

6:08 Plumcrazy: Trying this again!!!!

6:09 Bluesky1: Hepsy, so sorry, I glad you had a great weekend with your d. My d came home today from being with grandparents and her dad. I must admit it was peaceful. What can you do to life your spirits?

6:09 Yoli: Bluesky: Hey, how are you?

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:02 hepsy: Alcohol is used by people as a way to cover up pain, disappointment, rejection, etc etc. If alcohol has been a long standing problem with your husband, it probably is related to some painful issues which came out of his childhood. Generally midlife men will use the same kind of pain medications more extensively than they did earlier in their lives.

6:10 Bluesky1: Jim, would the Lord take away the love for our spouse if he didn't want us to stand?

6:10 Tamashii: Hi Hepsy: The drinking situation will hamper any progress. Did he drink before?

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: ALL - postings seem to be showing up very slowly tonight. BUT let's keep on trying.

6:12 Yoli: Jim: Hello, how are you? It's good to see you again. I don't understand why my husband would make comments that would make daughters think he doesn't like OW and can't even stand to be around her. She's there because he doesn't want to be alone.

6:15 MAS: Hello everyone.

6:15 Free to fly: Hello everyone

6:15 Bluesky1: this is not looking good so early

6:17 MarySarah: Jim Why isn't hiding money, the ow & even alienating the affections of one child away from the LBS enough for these guys. My H seems to still have no consequences, he hates paying support, but still has more than enough, inc approval of his fam,

6:19 hepsy: Dr. Jim - my h has never abused alcohol in past. Would drink socially but not at home alone like now. This began when this midlife stuff started, approx. 2 years ago. What do I do then?

6:21 MarySarah: Jim cont visitation with kids, a paid for house/remodeled, tons time with ow, lots things, etc.... Why does he need to try to see me destroyed financially, sue me for custody of the second child, etc... sometimes I want H to just leave me alone I know that me trying to keep custody of our son & standing my ground is not building any connection to my H NOTHING has. It will cost me too much to keep paying a lawyer. The longer this goes on though the more my H is able to manipulate kids away & convince them that what he's done is ok. He plays family with ow & her child to the hilt, my children are more & more disrespectful to me & my authority, & each other I just want them grow up Godly & together HELP. Jim So my ? is....how can I try to ease H's anger, hostility, hate towards me? Also, how can I show respect, love & forgiveness if he can’t to be more cruel & even deceitful, I never know what to trust in from him. I want my kids regardless his age

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:17 MarySarah,: I would encourage you to allow God to pay the consequences to your husband as God chooses. Your focus needs to be on your personal growth and understanding why your husband had wanted to be with the other woman rather than with you. Please tell me specifically why your husband chooses to be with the other woman rather than with you?

6:39 MarySarah: Yoli 6:12 PTL, those statements are probably a good sign. Pray the vomit prayer, & for them to both to prosper in their Repentance of their sin & your H coming home & being saved, Pray God break all wicked cords & take whatever He must to get a hold of them both to save them, both families, to restore your marriage & all relationships. Remember Joseph said to his brothers God took what they meant for evil for good to save many lives! God is working!

6:39 sbky: hello everyone

6:45 CindyJ: Hello everyone

6:47 MarySarah: Jim if H's ow is in MLC & wants what we had b/c she never had that (by her own choice) will their MLCs draw them closer or work against them?

6:49 MarySarah: Tamashi thanks again for the story of your friends restored. Sometimes it helps me to hear of people restored after more than few mo or a year that's why I asked about specifics

6:50 MarySarah: Ro Hope things have gotten easier for you to find some peace! I know it's hard!

6:51 MarySarah: MAS hope you are ok, miss you lots

6:51 sbky: Dr Conway I am so disappointed in my h but nothing unusual we had a family friend die and he went to visitation but not the funeral this shocked even his parents

6:51 MarySarah: Plum How is your H feeling lately? Are you holding up?

6:53 MarySarah: Hepsy, your H drinking more is a crutch for his pain, Ask God to break the spirits of addiction

6:54 hips: dr. Jim - I feel like my h is just getting angrier and angrier. I am working on me and giving him space. But I never see any improvements. What else can I do?

6:55 MarySarah: Blue Hope you are well my dear. My son went on that trip but they went on simulated raft park. Now OW posted a short video on her work FB I will speak to lawyer about it tomorrow

6:55 CindyJ: Having trouble tonight.

6:57 Plumcrazy: I finally got back in PTL!!!!

6:59 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:47 MarySarah: It's very important that you not focus on what is happening in their midlife experience. Please answer my question at 6:41. Thanks.

6:59 Plumcrazy: MarySarah. We had a rough patch again because of my mouth and doubts, things are better now. I finally decided to let go and give it to God. I am getting my confidence back and applying fro 2 positions in the social work field.

7:00 sbky: all oh I wish they would change this chat it is so frustrating

7:00 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:51 sbky: Quite often midlife people do not have enough emotional strength to handle a crisis such as a death. He probably thought that he had done his duty by showing up at the visitation.

7:02 MAS: MarySarah: Oh, thank you! You're such a sweetheart. I think of you all the time and everything you're going through. I'd really love to see you again. I hope you can make it to the next retreat.

7:04 Plumcrazy: Now it is stuck!!!!!

7:05 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:54 hepsy: You can not be responsible for your husband's changes. But you can recruit more people to be praying for him and making the environment of any contact with him extremely positive, light hearted, affirming, and fun.

7:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. We made it through slowly but surely! If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim.

7:15 Plumcrazy: Jim---H seems much more relaxed new dept has 4 younger men. Very nice all of them and funny. Hoping they can help improve his mood. He has no real friends besides me here. His new boss had the whole dept to her house for BBQ

7:15 Plumcrazy: Goodbye Jim

6:02 hepsy: Hi Dr. Jim - my h comes home every nite drinking - makes communication even more impossible. Sometimes I feel so hopeless like nothing will ever get better. He is so changed...

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:02 hepsy: Alcohol is used by people as a way to cover up pain, disappointment, rejection, etc etc. If alcohol has been a long standing problem with your husband, it probably is related to some painful issues which came out of his childhood. Generally midlife men will use the same kind of pain medications more extensively than they did earlier in their lives.

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