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August 02, 2010 / with Jim Conway & Special Guest Bill Farrel

6:22 MAS: Jim: My H and I had a major argument today which has really affected me emotionally and physically. I had been doing so much better, and feeling so much stronger, but now, this has really set me back. I felt as if he finally closed the door on our He seems to be very happy with her, today he told me that he had nothing left to give me...at least not the kind of relationship I wanted and that I needed to move on with my life. ...without him. All he wants is to be "friends."

6:40 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:22 MAS: Usually this kind of speech indicates that your husband is not satisfied with the kinds of changes that have taken place so far in your relationship. And that he is not so sure that changes are possible. Talk to me a bit more about some of the changes you've been making on yourself so that I get a better understanding of your situation. Anytime we have a negative incident in our lives, we will feel depressed. But this argument does not necessarily mean that the door is closed. Think of it as when you have an argument with your teenager, and they say to you, "I hate you, I never want to talk to you again." We know that's just a teenager speaking - so it is best to think of this argument as a conflict with a teenager, because midlife men frequently act like teenagers.



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August 02, 2010 / Monday Chat with Jim and Special Guest Bill Farrel 6-7 pm PST / CR#2


5:52 LisaK [Programmer]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he’ll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via PayPal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:00 LisaK [Programmer]: Tonight we have a special treat in store for you. We have a very special guest in the room to take a few questions for you. Author and Speaker, Bill Farrel, is here to check out our chat room. Bill, and his wife, Pam, wrote numerous books such as; "Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti", "Red Hot Monogamy", and "Why Men and Women Act They Way They Do" to name a few.

6:01 Swanlake: Hello everyone, how are you tonight?

6:01 nutterbutter: Good evening everyone!

6:02 Plumcrazy: Hello everyone

6:03 Plumcrazy: Jim---Hello So glad you could make it tonight. Welcome Mr. Farrel. This is a wonderful supportive group of people with awesome facilitators

6:03 Bill Farrel [Facilitator]: Hello Everyone. Hey Jim, thanks for the invitation to be a part of the chat tonight.

6:04 Bluesky1: hi all, and our special guest, welcome

6:04 nutterbutter: Hi Jim and Mr. Farrel

6:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Hi EVERYONE. Bill Farrel has been wanting to learn more about chat rooms, so I've invited him to share this evening with us to get an idea of how it works. He has been a very special friend for lots of years, and Bill and Pam & Sally and I wrote a book together a number of years ago, call "Pure Pleasure". Feel free to ask him any questions that you might want to ask, but remember that his primary purpose is to watch what happens in a chat room. So let's have some fun and talk about whatever issues may be on your mind tonight.

6:05 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Welcome to our chat room BILL. Hi and glad you can join us.

6:05 Bluesky1: all, I had my first court appt today; luckily it was in my lawyer’s office. I was fine until I got there and fear took over and I almost passed out. I didn't have to speak or anything. I prayed for God to be with me and that is what happened. so to say the least I will have to settle so we don't go to court, I won't make it.

6:05 Surety2: good evening all

6:07 nutterbutter: Jim: My H is in year 2 of his MLC.I am working on the areas you mentioned. Throughout H MLC he has continued to give me very nice gifts for Christmas, birthday etc. So sometimes I get confused and don't really understand what is happening, can you help me

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:07 nutterbutter: This MLC is working out pretty good for you - with all the good gifts - I'm only teasing. I think that the gifts are a way of trying to compensate for his own guilt and as a way of saying that he is not really or willing to totally disconnect from you. I'm proud of you for continuing to work on the things which bother men - remember to keep discovering what his needs are, because people stay married as they continue to meet each other's needs. Keep at it; you're on the right track!

6:08 Tamashii: So, Blue: You've just confessed to the enemy what he has to do to beat you: have you go to court.

6:09 Surety2: Hi Mr. Farrel, Mr. Conway

6:09 MAS: Hello all.

6:10 Still: Hi Everyone.

6:11 Bluesky1: Tam, well I do feel beat after today. Just hearing h still wants divorce sends me spiraling

6:12 Plumcrazy: Jim---I am thinking that the last awful episode with my H was God's way of telling me to get myself together before I totally drive H away... A kind of wake up call.

6:20 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:12 Plumcrazy: Sometimes God gives us wakeup calls to help us get back on track.

6:13 Surety2: Jim: can you help me understand more of the process..... Some have been blessed with h finding counseling.... and wanting to working cautiously toward a new future

6:15 Plumcrazy: Jim---Cricket told me I should talk to you about myself destructive behavior. I had done so well controlling my tongue and not reacting to his craziness then I totally lost it

6:15 nutterbutter: Jim: Thanks, but the early period of H's MLC was very dark and painful indeed. One of the things I have always loved about my husband was his taste in everything from clothes to jewelry :)

6:16 Swanlake: BlueSky - Sorry you experienced that, I can still remember the panic the word divorce brought on me, but as my husband went forward with it, the anxiety became horrible. But I can say that with the help of this group and drawing closer to God, I did make it though, I have grown and understand that regardless of what choices we make, it doesn't change God's plans or His will for us. I realize that due to freewill, my husband may never leave the sinful life he has chosen but I have to be obedient to God’s Word regardless of my husband's choices.

ALL, this is Lisa, and I just wanted to place Bill Farrel's website in the chat in case anyone would like to visit it. We also have it on our website under "links to see". http://farrelcommunications.com/

6:18 Tamashii: Yes, Blue, it stinks. But it's here. You have to protect yourself.

6:18 Bill Farrel [Facilitator]: NUTTERBUTTER,  I  would also add that men often get confused during this time of life. They feel very different than they did earlier in life (sometimes they begin to feel for the first time) and they wrestle with themselves. They want to keep building into their lives and relationships and they want a new life. I would encourage you to keep asking yourself, "What kind of person do I want to be?" so you don't just live in reaction to him. Also, there is no reason not to enjoy the gifts.

6:22 MAS: Jim: My H and I had a major argument today which has really affected me emotionally and physically. I had been doing so much better, and feeling so much stronger, but now, this has really set me back. I felt as if he finally closed the door on our He seems to be very happy with her, today he told me that he had nothing left to give me...at least not the kind of relationship I wanted and that I needed to move on with my life. ...without him. All he wants is to be "friends."

6:40 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:22 MAS: Usually this kind of speech indicates that your husband is not satisfied with the kinds of changes that have taken place so far in your relationship. And that he is not so sure that changes are possible. Talk to me a bit more about some of the changes you've been making on yourself so that I get a better understanding of your situation. Anytime we have a negative incident in our lives, we will feel depressed. But this argument does not necessarily mean that the door is closed. Think of it as when you have an argument with your teenager, and they say to you, "I hate you, I never want to talk to you again." We know that's just a teenager speaking - so it is best to think of this argument as a conflict with a teenager, because midlife men frequently act like teenagers.

6:24 Plumcrazy: Hello MAS--Sorry you had such a bad day ((((MAS)))))

6:25 Surety2: Blue @606. The best advice... I know I was given is to research God's take on D and pray that his will be accomplished. God hates D, and everything we pray must be in accordance to His will. It gave me great peace,

6:27 nutterbutter: Bill @ 6:18:Thank you very much. I have been taking a long look at myself and other areas of my life. We are empty nesters so I have more time to myself now.

6:29 Plumcrazy: Is anyone else having issues with slow advance of chat screen?

6:30 Bluesky1: Bill, I think that is what’s up with my h, that he hasn't wanted to let his emotions to let out.

6:31 Bill Farrel [Facilitator]: I want to compliment all of you on your vulnerability. Often having a "safe place" to process the pain you never signed up for is exactly what it takes to keep moving forward.

6:33 Bluesky1: Tam, oh I am protecting myself. I am very worried about my financial future.

6:40 Bluesky1: Swan, thank you. I understand, but that makes me so sad for you and for me (all of us).

6:42 Bluesky1: Surety, thanks, I am trying. This still boggles my mind, does that mean I am denial?

6:46 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: ALL - we really are seeking new chat rooms, it's very hard to find one that will meet our privacy needs, and needs to have Facilitators present. I'm just as frustrated as all of you with the problems and pray that we can get this fixed soon!

6:46 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: I'm going to say goodnight, and please know that Jan and I will be praying for you. See you next week.

6:48 Swanlake: BlueSky - There was a time when I allowed this to devastate me, however, I have come to see that it is more a time for me to grow and frankly I really like the person I have become, think I will keep her, even after my husband returns - wink! wink!

6:50 Plumcrazy: Jim@6:33---I really think that what you said is true. Remember my H telling me that he would NEVER be intimate with me again that he was done with me. Well after 1week and my giving him lots of space he imitated intimacy. H seems to be so CONFUSED and having conflicting emotions

6:52 MAS: Jim@6:40: Yes, I know. That is exactly what he said to me today. He hasn't seen any of the changes that I've been claiming to have made, and he doesn't believe that these changes are possible. You are right about that. I have been working so hard on myself, but I feel that he is just refusing to see it. I don't think that he WANTS to believe I can or will change. I have been making changes within myself and just trying to become a better, kinder and more

6:57 Plumcrazy: Going too, take care all

6:22 MAS: Jim: My H and I had a major argument today which has really affected me emotionally and physically. I had been doing so much better, and feeling so much stronger, but now, this has really set me back. I felt as if he finally closed the door on our He seems to be very happy with her, today he told me that he had nothing left to give me...at least not the kind of relationship I wanted and that I needed to move on with my life. ...without him. All he wants is to be "friends."

6:40 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:22 MAS: Usually this kind of speech indicates that your husband is not satisfied with the kinds of changes that have taken place so far in your relationship. And that he is not so sure that changes are possible. Talk to me a bit more about some of the changes you've been making on yourself so that I get a better understanding of your situation. Anytime we have a negative incident in our lives, we will feel depressed. But this argument does not necessarily mean that the door is closed. Think of it as when you have an argument with your teenager, and they say to you, "I hate you, I never want to talk to you again." We know that's just a teenager speaking - so it is best to think of this argument as a conflict with a teenager, because midlife men frequently act like teenagers.

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