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June 28, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:07 BETH2: Why do some spouses be gone for, 8-10 years and suddenly file for divorce? My H is filing in July and we have never had a legal separation.

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:07 BETH2: It may have been that your husband was hoping that something would change, but has now decided it's not going to change, or he may have finally met someone who is interesting to him - there could be several other reasons as well.


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June 28, 2010 / Monday Chat with Jim 6-7 pm PST / CR#2


5:59 LisaK [Programmer]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he’ll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via Paypal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: HI EVERYBODY! Glad to be here and yes I am home in Michigan right now.

6:07 BETH2: Why do some spouses be gone for, 8-10 years and suddenly file for divorce? My H is filing in July and we have never had a legal separation.

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:07 BETH2: It may have been that your husband was hoping that something would change, but has now decided it's not going to change, or he may have finally met someone who is interesting to him - there could be several other reasons as well.

6:07 Plumcrazy: Jim--Do you have hot water yet?

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:07 Plumcrazy: Yes, we got hot water 2 days ago!

6:08 BETH2: Hello Jim I asked a question at 6:07. I don't mean to rush you but I may not be able to stay in chat for long.

6:08 Still: Hi Everyone!

6:08 doveseyes: My question for Jim...I have been separated from my husband for 1 year. He has pursued a single lifestyle consistently during this time. He will pull into me for a couple of weeks, and then go off with a new woman he meets. I am having a hard time....my husband has done nothing to move toward reconciliation or even stopping his sexual acting out. Help

6:14 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:08 doveseyes: Many men, during midlife, live in a fantasy world of being single. Generally this will wear off, especially if there's lots of growth and change going on with the wife, or dissatisfaction with the single life. Let me ask you how you are doing in the three areas that midlife men complain about. 1. Midlife Men complain that their wives are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children). 2. Midlife Men complain that their wives are overweight, out of shape, and do not care about physical appearance. Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man's life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn't have to beg. 3. Midlife Men complain that their wives have not had a new thought since they got married. They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man. How are you doing in these three areas?

6:12 Plumcrazy: Hey Tamashii----I am going to say some prayers for your interview tomorrow. But I expect it to go well for you they know your work now and that should help

6:12 Plumcrazy: Jim---I bet JAN is HAPPY!!!!

6:16 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:12 Plumcrazy: All of a sudden, in the last few days, lots of the renovation pieces are coming together. Plumbing, electricity, kitchen appliances, interior doors going up - yes it is kind of fun!

6:12 Plumcrazy: Hello Mas---How Are you feeling?

6:13 MAS: Hello everyone.

6:13 Ro828: Hey MAS

6:13 BETH2: Jim he has been with ow since he left in 2000. I believe she is putting pressure on him. She was divorced shortly after they got tog.

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:13 BETH2: It probably is true that the other woman is putting pressure on him.

6:15 MAS: Hi Ro828, how are you?

6:15 Ro828: Jim: After crisis what do midlifer's think of their OP. Will they always feel 'connected' to them in some way or do they think 'what the heck was I thinking'?

6:19 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:15 Ro828: At the beginning, many men have trouble shaking the fantasies of being with the other woman. But later they begin to ask themselves, "What was I thinking?"

6:16 Ro828: MAS: Doing well but it was an odd day for me. I felt like I was being spiritually attacked today. Something must be going on.

6:16 MAS: Hi Plum. I am feeling a lot better, thank you. What about yourself? How is your foot doing?

6:17 BETH2: Jim how long does MLC take to get over? Is it possible to be something else besides ML?

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:17 BETH2: Most midlife crises last about 3-5 years, and frequently they involve other issues besides normal midlife crisis things, such as; health issues, or family tragedy, or severe career trauma. But the issue is not how long do they take to get over - the issue is am I understanding what some of his needs are and am I changing anything that I can change to help reduce the problem.

6:17 Plumcrazy: Jim----I started working out, have been going strong for a week. Hurt my legs at first but seems to be helping my arthritis in my knees and is getting easier. Plus I have lost 5lbs'

6:26 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:17 Plumcrazy: I'm glad that you're working out, and generally there is quite a bit of pain as your body adjusts to the new activity level - but my sports coaches always told me to keep pressing on through the pain. I'm glad that you're losing weight. And again, your arthritis in your needs will probably be benefited by weight loss, as well as feeling better about yourself.

6:18 MAS: Ro828: What happened? Do you want to share anything?

6:18 doveseyes: fine good...improving...but when do u not see them...he will see me then share about a woman he is interested in and then he leaves 2 pursue her...he has had around 30 women during this time...why does he brag about them

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:18 doveseyes: Some midlife men will brag about other women they're seeing, or women that attract them as a way to create jealousy or force their mate to change. It's difficult to decide what is going on with your husband because I don't know your situation very well. Perhaps we need to talk by phone so that you can give me more information.

6:19 Plumcrazy: Mas foot is still hurting not limping as bad Start physical therapy next week. Got some new shoes that help. Still nit walking right but am walking better and not ending up in more pain by the time I am done walking

6:20 Ro828: Plum: 6:17. What kind of workout are you doing?

6:22 Ro828: MAS 6:18. Not sure. Just a little off. I just feel its something spiritual although unsure of what it is.

6:22 BETH2: Jim I was told my H gambles too. I know they take a lot of trips. He is far from the man I married. Even our son said dad has changed since he met ow.

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:22 BETH2: your husband may have wanted to act differently even when he was married to you, but his midlife crisis is giving him an excuse to test another way of living. Hopefully this is just experimentation and he will decide he doesn't like the direction he's heading.

6:23 Plumcrazy: Jim---the other night I went off on H after he said something that got under my skin. He went to bed angry saying nasty things to me but later woke up and we spent time together and he initiated intimacy. IS that good sign?

6:24 Free to fly: All: Feeling really low today. Just came back from a 3 day getaway. It’s almost like back to reality. This is so hard physically and emotionally

6:25 MAS: Jim: As Beth asked at 6:17: How do we really know that our H is going through MLC? What if he just wants a completely new and different life?

6:25 Plumcrazy: Ro---Since I can’t walk too much cause of my foot I am using my recumbent bike. Starting with 30 min a night on it, trying to get 30 grams of fiber a day, and cut out sodas. I have lost 5lbs

6:25 doveseyes: Jim...good...do I always get with my husband when he wants to meet...we will meet for a couple of weeks then...he will meet a new woman and want to be with her sexually...and he is gone. He loves the attention he gets from them...he has had around 30

6:26 MAS: Plumcrazy: Hopefully the physical therapy will help as well.

6:26 Ro828: Jim: So, in the end, these OP really don't mean anything to them once out of crisis?

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:26 Ro828: Generally that's true. Generally they are sad about what they have done and they are grateful to reconnect - provided that some of the original marriage issues have been resolved.

6:27 WTG4GOD: Ro @6:22 this is spiritual warfare, I hope you have some prayers to rebuke the enemy and cast off any demonic spirits - if not I can type one out for you :)

6:29 MAS: Jim@6:23: My H had none of these issues at the time he left. Would this indicate that he might NOT have MLC?

6:44 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:29 MAS: midlife crisis is not a virus, it is a group of behaviors which you are describing to me.

6:29 Ro828: Beth: Good question 6:17. I often wonder this myself.

6:30 CindyJ: Hi Plumcrazy and everyone....

6:32 Ro828: Plum: How long did it take to loose the 5? I really have to get on track.

6:33 Plumcrazy: Lisa--Have any ideas about this yrs retreat location yet?

6:45 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:33 Plumcrazy: The staff and facilitators are planning the retreat. It looks like it will be the first weekend in November in southern California.

6:34 Ro828: WTG: If you have a specific prayer for spiritual warfare that would be great. I usually just get in the word.

6:35 Free to fly: WTG @ 6:27 I agree this is a spiritual warfare. We all must keep praying.

6:36 Free to fly: Hi Cindy

6:40 MAS: Lisa: I was also wondering about retreat.

6:41 WTG4GOD: Ro: I just realized I can't type it all out, the allowed space will limit me, hang on let me see if I can find the link I sent a friend a while back to have one to pray and print out :)

6:42 Plumcrazy: Ro--A week!!

6:44 doveseyes: thx..I will check into that

6:45 Plumcrazy: So Tamashii you are STILL here right?

6:46 WTG4GOD: Ro, are you on the email list? If so I can type one up and send it to the group - I have this really nice prayer book and it covers every prayer you can think of including binding the enemy, breaking strongholds, etc etc

6:46 CindyJ: Hi free to fly....good to see you!!

6:46 Hannah2: Hi everybody

6:48 Snickerdoodle: Plum: way to go

6:50 MAS: Jim@6:44: Not a virus?? I don't understand what you mean.

6:50 Plumcrazy: Jim---Did you see what I typed at 6;23 Chat was acting up then so maybe you missed it

6:56 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:50 Plumcrazy: THIS IS LISA - JIM IS GONE. WE DID SEE AND ANSWER THAT ONE, BUT IT HAS DISAPPEARED, WHICH MAKES ME WONDER IF OTHERS HAVE DISAPPEARED? I CAN'T RECALL JIM'S ANSWER, SO SORRY.

6:51 Snickerdoodle: Tamashii: thank you for clarifying that!

6:51 Still: All, tomorrow is my anniversary. It is also my birthday. Last year, H texted me on this day and said "Sorry we are where we are." Then, he gave me a generic birthday card that you could have given a distant neighbor. I am really dreading tomorrow.

6:52 MAS: Jim@6:44: My H didn't have any of these behaviors.

7:00 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:52 MAS: THIS IS LISA - SORRY JIM HAD LEFT BEFORE SEEING THIS ONE. MY FEELINGS ON THIS IS THAT HE VERY WELL MAY HAVE HAD THESE BEHAVIORS, BUT NOT LETTING YOU SEE THEM. HE COULD HAVE BEEN LEADING A DOUBLE LIFE. OR JUST FELT HE NEEDED A CHANGE, AND LEFT - THEN AFTER LEAVING HE STARTED THE BEHAVIORS.

6:52 doveseyes: Jim...what causes a man to stop having a mlc?

6:57 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:52 doveseyes: THIS IS LISA - HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO READ JIM'S BOOK, "MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS" YET? OR SALLY'S BOOK, "YOUR HUSBAND'S MIDLIFE CRISIS" YET? YOU'LL FIND YOUR ANSWERS THERE.

6:53 Plumcrazy: Jim---Another question for you. Why does H come home and tell me about conversations he has with other women. Like he told me the women at work were comparing him to a certain TV actor. And joking around/flirting with another older woman

6:53 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: THIS IS LISA AGAIN. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING FOR ALL OF US, JIM AND I APPOLOGIZE FOR THE ROUGH CHAT SITUATION. WE ARE BOTH GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH OUR IT GUYS AND WE CAN'T SEEM TO GET THESE BUGS OUT. JIM HAS JUST SIGNED OUT OFFICIALLY AND HE SAID HE WILL BE PRAYING FOR EVERYONE.

6:58 Hannah2: Still do something nice for yourself - have lunch with a friend, get a manicure, pedicure or go for a beautiful walk among God's beauty on this earth if you can't afford to pamper yourself. Spend it with God, talk to God, and see his beauty.

6:58 Hannah2: Still, don't expect anything from h and if he sends something you will be surprised.

6:58 KM2: Can you provide some information in dealing with long distance efforts to reconcile a marriage?

6:58 Snickerdoodle: Still: I will be praying for you. Our 33rd Anniversary is on the 9th. I'm trying to not dread it. Heard nothing from my H for my b-day this month.

7:00 Plumcrazy: Lisa---What do the IT guys say is the problem. I could ask my H about it he is a network engineer. Maybe he could help us out

7:02 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 7:00 Plumcrazy: WELL, THEY THOUGHT IT WAS SERVER ISSUES, SO THEY'VE CHANGED SERVERS, THEN IT SEEMED TO WORK FOR A BIT, BUT THEN IT STARTED GOING CRAZY AGAIN. SO NOW IT'S A MATTER OF GETTING INTO THE CODING OF THE PROGRAM.

7:01 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: ALL - THIS IS LISA TYPING UNDER JIM'S NAME. JIM HAS GONE, BUT I'M AFRAID TO LOG OUT AND BACK IN AS MYSELF IN CASE I CAN'T GET BACK IN.

7:01 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: CRICKET - THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING THROUGH ON PLAN B!

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Woops probably not the right one, I thought I found it.

7:03 WTG4GOD: Night all, have a blessed week :)

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lisa - We've noticed that when the room gets really full, we have trouble. We don't see to have trouble with smaller groups

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lisa - You are welcome.

7:03 MAS: Lisa@7:00 Thank you, Lisa. I guess that's all very possible.

7:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: KM2 - Jim has said that if your H doesn't mind contact, then an occasional cute, funny email--- especially one that will spark a good memory is really good. If you can text, keep it light, but a good way to stay connected. Regardless - we have cases where couples restored their marriage even after being separated long distances. Keep working on you, growing as they do hear about your positive changes even from long distance

God is at work in and around you. You may not see His hand, hear His voice or even understand His process, but you can rest assured that you can trust His heart. Remember, every problem points to a promise. "We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4

7:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: KM2 - This is info Jim always asks us when we are new here - I'm pasting it here - HREE THINGS-Men complain about - How you're doing in these 3 areas? Midlife men complain that their wives....1) are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children)...2) are overweight, out of shape, and don't care about physical appearance. (Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man's life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn't have to beg)...and 3) have not had a new thought since they got married. (They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man.)

7:07 Plumcrazy: Lisa---Not sure how much H knows about chat room issues will ask though

7:08 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: THIS IS LISA. I'M SIGNING OUT FOR THE NIGHT, AND LETTING CRICKET CLOSE UP SHOP FOR US. THANKS CRICKET FOR JUMPING IN. THANKS AGAIN! GOOD NIGHT.

7:09 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lisa - You are welcome - Again - Hope your birthday was really a special one

7:09 KM2: Thank you. I've tried all of those things however have seen little in the way of any real progress.

7:10 CindyJ: Km2...One thing about long distance....we need to work on ourselves and changing and they hear about our changes and how God is working in us. God works through long distance too.

7:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: KM2 - There is usually a lot more happening on the other side of the mountain than we realize. We usually don't think our H's notice but they do. The thing is that they need time to believe our changes are real. They worry that we'll slip back into old habits if they come home. Also they are struggling with their own depression and need time to work through their issues.

7:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: KM2 - They don't understand why they can't shake the depression so they look at things around them to blame, to justify their actions.

7:11 Plumcrazy: All going to go GOODNITE AND TAKE CARE

7:12 KM2: That’s very helpful. Thanks to both you and Cindy J!

7:12 Cricket [Facilitator]: KM2 - Our H's are drawn to consistency and peace in us. As we continue to grow and they see us moving forward in our lives (not dating but doing productive things, taking a class, working out, volunteering or things we've wanted to do but didn't have time to do) they are drawn to our stability.

7:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: KM2 - MORE INFO FROM JIM: STAYER AND RUNNER There are two people involved in the midlife crisis -- one is the person who wants to save it and the other is the one who wants to get away. The "stayer" is the one who needs to be willing to change. The "runner" is looking for excuses to get away and does not want to face any of their problems. So at the beginning of trying to restore the marriage we work with the "stayer" helping them to eliminate any areas that are causing problems. As the "runner" begins to show interest in returning, then we encourage the couple to get involved in marriage counseling so that the problems with both people can be resolved and the marriage can have a high probability of succeeding.

7:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: KM2 - Just know that things are not at all what they seem. We think they are so happy & not giving us a second thought. Many of us have found and heard from others/returned spouses that they thought of us all the time and weren't really happy at all. Trust the Lord while you work on you

7:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: KM2 - Come back Wednesday or Friday same time so we can share more info. It's after time to close now.

7:16 KM2: Ok. Thanks and God bless you!

7:16 Cricket [Facilitator]: KM2 - God bless you as well, we pray for one another after chat so if you can, join us in prayer for one another - all our standing spouses and our prodigals.

7:17 KM2: Will do.

7:17 Cricket [Facilitator]: Good night all.

7:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: See you all Wednesday.

6:07 BETH2: Why do some spouses be gone for, 8-10 years and suddenly file for divorce? My H is filing in July and we have never had a legal separation.

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:07 BETH2: It may have been that your husband was hoping that something would change, but has now decided it's not going to change, or he may have finally met someone who is interesting to him - there could be several other reasons as well.

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