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June 14, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:14 Free to fly: Dr Conway: With Father's Day coming up, is there anything to say or do or don't do?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:14 Free to fly: AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM: with Father's Day coming up, it makes your marital stress get worse. Don't expect your mate to suddenly act better because of the holiday - they will likely pull away even more and perhaps even do something rather ugly. So focus beyond the holiday and plan to do something with safe encouraging people so that you're not sucked into unnecessary trauma.

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June 14, 2010 / Monday Chat with Jim 6-7 pm PST / CR#2


5:58 LisaK [Programmer]: Hi Chat Room Guests. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I enjoy serving the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through the tough times of midlife crisis. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to make a tax-deductible donation to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you. Jim will be online with us momentarily; he will read your questions and dictate his replies to me so I can type them for you to read. Jim has time for all questions that are posted before the end of the hour. Thanks for understanding.

6:00 LisaK [Programmer]: "I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken" (Psalm 16:8).....HEAVENLY FATHER, please be before us tonight, bless everyone with the encouragement the need to get through their trials. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

6:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Hi, this is Jim. I’m grateful to God for everyone’s commitment to save their marriages and to continue helping each other. I’m glad for the ongoing opportunity to work in the lives of people who are struggling with their marriages. I want to encourage each one of you that even though you are experiencing pain, try not to let that pain become destructive in the lives of other people, both your family and the people in the chat room. This is a hard balance to maintain because we want people to be able to share their pain, but make sure that the sharing of your pain does not put someone else down or make their situation more difficult. LET’S BE GIANT CHEERLEADERS FOR EACH OTHER – WITH NO DESTRUCTIVE WORDS COMING IN THE CHAT ROOM OR IN OUR EMAIL TO EACH OTHER. The scripture tells us that we are to encourage and build up one another, not tear each other down. What are your questions for today?

6:04 Still: Hi Blue!

6:04 WTG4GOD: Hi Still, I'm doing great - how are you?

6:05 Still: WTG, I can't complain!

6:05 Bluesky1: Hi Still, WTG, Swan, Dr. Jim how are you all tonight.

6:06 Swanlake: BlueSky - I'm doing fine

6:07 WTG4GOD: Hi Blue! Hello everyone :)

6:07 WTG4GOD: Hi MAS

6:07 Still: Hi MAS!

6:07 Bluesky1: Swan, good to hear. I have had a bad day. Today is my sons 22 bday. I had a huge blowout with d and it messed everything up.

6:08 Still: Blue, sorry to hear you had a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day!

6:09 MAS: Hi WTG, Still, everyone. How are you?

6:09 WTG4GOD: Sorry about your blowup, Blue - this too shall pass {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

6:09 Still: MAS, I'm doing well. How are you today?

6:09 Still: HI Surety, Hi Tamashii!

6:09 Bluesky1: Jim, I am working on myself, but my d says that I am bitter and angry. Yet I have made huge strides. Of course I am bitter, I felt I was doing tons better with d, she just doesn't see the changes I have made. I believe she is very angry and I get the brunt of it. I am at my wits end with her. Any suggestions? No matter what the issue is with her, she thinks I am angry because of the situation and that just isn’t the case.

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:09 Bluesky1: Your daughter is angry because you and your husband are having marriage trouble that causes her life to be disrupted. She is not going to notice any of the changes in your life. Don't even bother pointing them out or arguing with her. Just keep working on the changes. Most young adults do lots of changing in their first year in college. So keep working on your personal growth, and don't let her moods affect you. It's sort of like a temper tantrum for a 2 year old. You can't argue with them and you must be careful not to get into your own temper tantrum.

6:10 Still: Hi Snickerdoodle....I haven't seen you in a while.

6:10 MAS: Still: Okay. I just got back from doing some errands and it's SO hot!

6:10 Snickerdoodle: I am so happy to be on chat. My computer had a vicious virus and I've been without a computer since last Monday! ...and I survived

6:10 Still: MAS....still 108?

6:10 Still: Hi Free!

6:11 Free to fly: Hi Still, everyone

6:11 MAS: Still: I think it's down to about 105 today.

6:11 Bluesky1: Still, WTG, the thing is that she ran to her dad afterwards, so it validates what he said when he left, one of the reasons he left was he didn't like my relationship fights with d. Well I know they are normal.

6:11 Still: MAS....wow, a cool down!

6:12 Bluesky1: Snicker, MAS, Tam, Surety and Free nice to see all of you. Ro too.

6:12 Free to fly: Hey Blue: Just trying to catch up.

6:12 Still: Blue, Yeah, but I am sure there were plenty of things he said were problems. Teen girls are really tough. Don't beat yourself up over it.

6:13 Still: HI Ro!

6:13 Ro828: Hi All.

6:13 Ro828: Hi MAS. How are you doing today?

6:14 Still: Blue, we are human and sometimes....doggone it, we act like it. ((HUGS))

6:14 Free to fly: Dr Conway: With Father's Day coming up, is there anything to say or do or don't do?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:14 Free to fly: AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM: with Father's Day coming up, it makes your marital stress get worse. Don't expect your mate to suddenly act better because of the holiday - they will likely pull away even more and perhaps even do something rather ugly. So focus beyond the holiday and plan to do something with safe encouraging people so that you're not sucked into unnecessary trauma.

6:14 MAS: BlueSky@6:11 That's what I get from my H as well! He thought we were so dysfunctional because my D and I had disagreements when she was a teenager. I try to explain to him that it's normal for mothers and daughters but he doesn't want to hear it.

6:14 Still: Hi ndak, I have been wondering about you.

6:15 WTG4GOD: Blue - an 18 yr old daughter and her mom - sounds like she's right on track with her behavior. I was hell on wheels to my mom between 15-20! Nothing she did was right! Or said either ;)

6:15 Free to fly: Hey Ro828 and ndak

6:15 Surety2: Blue; my s and I butted heads for a long time..... its very hard on the kids. He feels its all his problem, we spent many months bout 18 he lived with his paternal grandmother, and blamed me for everything. I just took a step back, and that

6:15 WTG4GOD: hello ndakmom! I sent you an email a week ago :) hope you're well! :)

6:15 MAS: Still: Yes, a cool down! LOL

6:16 Still: Blue, my daughter was so difficult as a teen. However, now she is 23 and we have an amazing relationship. She always hugs and tells me she loves me whenever we see each other. It seemed like years when she wouldn't even speak to me.

6:16 Swanlake: BlueSky - much like our spouses, our children also tend to transfer their feelings onto others. I remember when my daughter was a teenager and we would have horrible fights, she would accuse me of feeling and doing the very things she was continued - demonstrating and if I pointed it out to her she only got more angry. It could be that you might say or do something and she interprets it as feeling the same as she does, therefore, you are angry. Or she might really NOT understand how you couldn't be angry therefore, she believes you are and are trying to hide it. All you can do is make an effort to realize your own actions and show her unconditional love as she goes through her own pains.

6:16 Surety2: really helped. We still don’t see eye to eye and he feels the whole MLC is all his fault and when he is 18 it will all go away. its hard to reassure them.... but we have to remember that they are an extension of us and will use that their advantage

6:17 ndakmom: Hi Still, happened to be by a computer and realized it was chat, so thought I would pop in and say Hi!

6:17 Still: Ndak, so glad to hear from you. How are things at home?

6:17 Snickerdoodle: Blue: my youngest D is 21 and very self absorbed. I always feel like I'm intruding if I txt or email her. Usually when I call her on something she realizes she's treating me with disdain or indifference. I hope she outgrows it.

6:17 ndakmom: Hi WTG4GOD- I received your email, I have meant to write back, just been extremely busy with the kids. How are things with u?

6:17 MAS: Hi Surety, Bluesky, Snickerdoodle, Free to fly, Tamashii, Ro8282, ndakmom.

6:18 Surety2: Blue: they are right a mother daughter relationship smoothes out after 21...... my own with my Mom took until after then also....

6:18 MAS: Ro8282: How are you today? Did you do anything interesting over the weekend?

6:18 ndakmom: still- things are good, H has been away for military training since June 4th, so haven't had a lot of communication with him, he should be back this coming weekend though

6:19 Bluesky1: Still, thank you, Yes, she is tough. I went to my friends house and she said she had had words with her d (who is a friend to my d too) just today too. The arguments were very similar. Its just my she throws the 'dad' thing as why I am mad

6:19 WTG4GOD: ndakmom - I'm great, glad you are busy and doing well :)

6:19 Surety2: Blue: Amen to what Jim said...... we are their pounding block.... but you will be blessed in days and years to come.

6:21 Ro828: MAS: Doing fine. Little tired though. It appears that I've not been sleeping well for the last couple of weeks. Don't know why. My SIL had a garage sale so I helped her. I also babysat my niece. That was about it. How about you?

6:21 ndakmom: All- not sure who I was talking to about my depression, however, someone here recommended I try Pristiq. I started on it 5 days ago, too soon to tell if it's working, but so far no side effects either, so I'm hopeful this works better then Zoloft

6:23 MAS: Jim@6:17: My daughter has been this way since my H and I separated..she really detached from me, just like he has. The thing is, she isn't a teenager. She's married, well-educated, and in her late twenties-What 's HER excuse for behaving like this ?

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 MAS: Your daughter has probably decided that the marriage break-up is primarily your fault. So she is taking her dad's side, or just trying to ignore everyone. Again, the solution is to continue your own growth and to expand your outreach and service into the community so that she can see you in a different light, and not just the home situation.

6:23 Surety2: Jim: why is that......with fathers day.....I understand mothers day, but why ugly on fathers day.

6:37 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 Surety2: Husband's are afraid that they will be drawn back into the family because of Father's Day.

6:23 Free to fly: Blue: ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) as your D gets older I agree with everyone the anger will go away. I was the same way with my mom.

6:25 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Welcome Mariposa. I’m Jim Conway, President of Midlife Dimensions. This room is here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email address, phone #, home address, or any names. Now, here’s how to join in. 1) Type the name of the person you want to speak to before you type your entry. 2) You’re limited to 250 keystrokes per entry. If your entry is long, then click “chat” to post it and start your next entry with the word “continued” . 3) Use the words “To All” if you have a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you’d like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We’ll have them contact you to exchange information.

6:25 Bluesky1: All, thank you so much for reminding me this is normal. Normal with the extra "situation". She is holding it all in and then explodes, this is the 3 rd time in a year. We have little things all the time, but this was huge.

6:25 WTG4GOD: I prayed about asking what to do about father's day with my H and God told me it would be ok to invite him to church. I did and he accepted. I was kind of surprised.

6:26 MAS: Ro8282: My weekend was pretty uneventful. I didn't sleep well last night, either. Had a migraine and was quite sick. Good thing I felt better today because I had a lot of running around to do.

6:26 Pelagius: Hi all. Sorry I'm late. I was talking to my mother-in-law, my prayer warrior!

6:27 Bluesky1: Jim, thank you that makes a lot of sense.. But it brings up another question. Is she different than h? Because we know they act like a teenager and yet we want them to see our changes. I know there is a big age difference too.

6:27 Surety2: Blue...My oldest D and I seemed to be miles apart..... but they other day a friend of her's told me she views me as her rock...... I saw it so different..... Remember they do hate the circumstances of our marriage problems, and the pain it causes us,

6:28 MAS: Hi Pelagius. Didn't see you come in. How are you?

6:28 Surety2: drags them down too

6:28 Free to fly: Dr. Conway: My kids are teenagers and are slowly detaching themselves from H. I have to make them call, do anything with him, what do you recommend that I do? In the meantime he's saying I'm telling them stuff about him..and its so not true.

6:41 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:28 Free to fly: Your children are beginning to make their own decisions When you are with your kids, try to point out to them that their dad is like every other person - some good things and some bad things. Tell them they will be healthier people if they keep relating to their dad. As you take the high road in this issue, they will respect you more and you won't be using your children as a battleground to see which parent can earn their love.

6:28 Bluesky1: ndak that was me. I have something else to say on it, I was talking about it last night and I will get right back to you.

6:29 Surety2: Pelagius: hello!!!!

6:29 Swanlake: BlueSky - this is so normal that she might not actually need the situation between you and your father to explode. However, it doesn't help. My children are adults and they get so frustrated, even now and there hasn't been any contact between their and me for a few years. I don't talk about their father with them, I ask no questions, etc. I do hear that he asks about me, but he doesn't make any unfavorable comments to them about me.

6:30 Free to fly: WTG: That's great he's going to church with you.

6:30 Pelagius: MAS @ 6:28, I am great, thanks. How are you?

6:30 Bluesky1: free, thank you also. All, I have heard a few times about what Jim has said, After the first year away, changes occur. Can't wait!

6:30 Ro828: MAS. Do you get a lot of migraines? Those are the worst!

6:30 Pelagius: MAS, if my answers are slow, it is because my post doesn't display after I type it, not right away anyway, there is some lag time.

6:31 Pelagius: Surety2 @ 6:29 hi! ;)

6:32 Bluesky1: surety, how wonderful to hear that. That would really touch me.

6:32 Surety2: Pelagius....how is your walking

6:34 Bluesky1: All, I have also been reminded that we (mothers) are there safe place. They know we will always love them. Because I know my d doesn't talk to anybody else including her father the way she talks to me. Oh the disdain.

6:34 Pelagius: Tamashii - hi! How's that suntan? Peeling yet? LOL!

6:35 WTG4GOD: FREE - thanks, it is a great thing but I tend to wonder why he's so nice. I'm thankful but at the same time curious why he is. I analyze things way too much. I know God is trying to break me from that though :)

6:35 Pelagius: MAS, I stopped having migraines after my hysterectomy, and didn't have but 2 in ten years. But I've had several in the last few weeks.

6:36 Still: Yikes, okay I'm back. I was in cyberspace for quite awhile.

6:36 WTG4GOD: Pelagius, that's great to have a prayer warrior! My mom is mine :)

6:36 MAS: Pelagius: I'm having a lot of computer problems right now, too.

6:36 Ro828: blue 6:30. Please clarify -- what changes occur after the first year being away?

6:36 Surety2: Blue : it gets better.... she is 28, and we have great talks, not all of them go over too well..... but we just step back and start over....

6:37 Bluesky1: Swan, okay, I think a lot of her anger is of course for her father, I don't think she expresses it to him. She says I have not idea what she says or doesn't say to him. But thru a friend I heard she wrote him a letter and didn't send it, so I know she isn't saying anything. So I get her wrath for that too. I do need to tame my tongue a bit more. I said something about her father that made her mad. So I was snarky. I have to do better.

6:37 Pelagius: MAS, my own relationship with my mom was rocky until we I was well into adulthood. One day I was doing something, and I realized I was doing it the way my mom did. I thought, oh, I have become my mom! And you know what? It was okay!

6:37 MAS: Pelagius/Ro828: I usually get them when I'm extremely tired.

6:38 Free to fly: All: Standing is so hard, I see why so many just take the easy road and get the D. The trial/pain is so intense and deep, I know that this test of faith will make me a better person and closer to GOD for only He can ease this pain.

6:39 Free to fly: Hey Still, where'd you go?

6:39 Pelagius: Bluesky1 @ 6:34, isn't that the truth? Ever heard the expression, a face only a mother could love? We count on moms to put with all kinds of stuff!

6:39 koko: All had a hard time logging in tonight. how is everyone?

6:39 Still: Hi Koko!

6:40 ndakmom: Jim- my H returned home a couple months ago, things are going really well. However, he has yet to acknowledge what he put the kids and I through while he was gone. Will he ever acknowledge it, or do I need to just forget it and try to move on?

6:52 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: ndakmom @ 6:40, remember that women say they are sorry by using words, men tend to say they are sorry by changing their actions.

6:40 Pelagius: Surety2 @ 6:32, ouch, you WOULD have to ask! LOL! Not so good! But I did a TON of housework this weekend. Do you know that four hours of housework burns over a thousand calories? The scale confirmed it! ;)

6:41 CindyJ: Hi everyone....

6:41 ndakmom: blue- I thought it was you, interested to hear what you have to say

6:43 Pelagius: To all: I had planned to wait and not share this yet. But there was a reason I talked to my MIL tonight. My h and I met with my lawyer last week. He left her office with a consent form and a decree, and all he had to do was file it and be divorced. H left there with the paperwork, and that night at 11:45 he called and asked if he could bring some things from his apartment and store it in the garage. I was feeling such peace about letting him go, because he wept in the lawyer's office. He said he needed the d because he needed to find himself. I said, as I signed it, I don't want this but I'm doing it because I love you.

6:45 MAS: Jim@6:32: From the very beginning, my D claimed she didn't want to take sides, yet that is exactly what she has done and I can't understand why. No matter how kind I try to be, nothing seems to make any difference and my SIL is the same way. Why?

6:46 Bluesky1: Ro, I was talking about my d's first year at college, and how she will grow and change

6:46 Free to fly: Pel@6:37, I do and think the same thing, even now. I have all of my moms little habits, they've stuck with me and that's a good thing.

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: TO EVERYONE IN THE CHAT ROOM: You know that I have been working on weight loss and exercise, today at the doctor's office, I was down 16 pounds and all of my blood pressures and heart rate have returned to normal range. So for me, losing weight has had some nice side affects. Those of you who are working at it, take courage and let's do this together.

6:48 koko: Jim I think W copied a dvd of "Fireproof" I saw her hand it to friends of ours which seemed like the original, maybe its a sign of her trying, had a good weekend D last softball game I had team over for barbeque. Sunday was D bday . had party

6:48 Surety2: Dr Conway: last fathers day was one time in a long time he ask if I was coming "Home' I didn't spent it with my Dad. wonder what would have been different today or if I'd gone......

6:50 MAS: Pelagius@6:37: Yes, my relationship with my mother was like that also until I was into my 20's. I thought it was just a phase on my D's part and that she would come around, but she's almost 30, and she can be very cold and nasty. It hurts.

6:51 Ro828: Free 6:38. I agree. God has everything in control no matter where we are in our journey

6:51 WTG4GOD: ndakmom I’m going to email you about your question just now :)

6:53 Still: Dr. C. YEAH!

6:55 Pelagius: MAS @ 6:50 (((((((((hugs))))))))))) it wasn't until a few years ago that I bonded with my mom! MAS @ 6:54, yes, I'm still here.

6:55 Free to fly: Dr. Conway: Congratulations, way to go!!!

6:55 WTG4GOD: PELA that is wonderful news! Keep praying! Fast! yes, do it all, your H is being tugged back home by Our Lord and Savior! That is awesome, God is soooo good! I will lift you guys up in prayer! Pray with his name in scriptures too :)

6:57 CindyJ: hi cricket....

6:57 Pelagius: Free to fly @ 6:46, aren't we all just a jumble of our ancestors? Intellectually I'm like my granddad; my interest in cooking and food comes from my grandmother. And my mom? She was just, well, here I am, this is me, take me or leave me! I needed to be MORE like that!

6:57 MAS: Hello Cricket.

6:58 Pelagius: Jim @ 6:47, congratulations, well done! I lost 27 pounds, and I'd like to lose another 20. But one of h's gripes with OW was that she gained SOOOO much weight. The day he deep-sixed the divorce, he said I'd taken good care of myself! I told him I felt I'd aged twenty years the last 24 months, but he said, no way.

6:59 WTG4GOD: LOL that was a long delay

6:59 Pelagius: Bluesky1 @ 6:46, wow, off to college! Yes, she will become very resourceful!

6:59 Cricket [Facilitator]: Surety - Don't focus too much on all the what if's - we never know, only God knows. God can use all of our mistakes for His good. Keep working & growing and He will restore your marriage.

6:59 MAS: Pel: I'm not quite understanding--is your H still going ahead with the D?

7:00 Pelagius: WTG4GOD @ 6:55, you are such a sweetie. I pray for you too.

7:01 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - I think your D & SIL have bought in to the excuses your H gives about how hard things were for him. Instead of telling us what they want or what is bothering them, they use these things as an excuse to justify their actions.

7:01 Pelagius: MAS @ 6:59, no, it has been dismissed. There is no more divorce.

7:02 Bluesky1: Pel, I missed that too. I am so happy for you. I wish we could celebrate together.

7:02 Pelagius: MAS @ 6:59, he gave notice on his apartment, he has two weeks left in it, then he's going to visit family in his home state for a wedding, and then...we'll see. He broke it off with OW and told her entire family that he had, and told HIS entire family he was coming home to me.

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - Take care, have a good week and hopefully chat will work better Wednesday.

7:03 Pelagius: Well, actually, he told them he WAS home with me.

7:03 Bluesky1: Pel, OMG. You must be so excited.

7:04 Pelagius: Bluesky1 @ 7:30, cautiously optimistic.

7:04 Ro828: MAS. I agree with Cricket 7:01. They are justifying their actions so they distort reality so they don't look like the "bad guy". My H was King in this area. Of course, his mother bought into it and who knows who else. I know the truth though.

7:04 Pelagius: ndakmom, thanks for your question. Jim's answer said it all.

7:04 Cricket [Facilitator]: Pelagius - Congratulations. You've done a great job of growing and learning. I could tell your H was trying to work his way out of the tunnel and would work his way home one day... You are a good example of keeping steady, doing things Jim teaches & trusting the Lord. PTL

7:04 Bluesky1: Pel, would you mind sending out an email to the ESG so we can read it in on paragraph. It was hard to follow due to the techie problems. I would like to hear the whole thing.

7:04 Ro828: Pel 7:01. PTL. What great news. How long was your H in midlife?

7:05 Pelagius: Thanks Cricket! two weeks in his apartment to continue getting right with the Lord, and then going home for the wedding to get right with family.

7:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - We need to close.

7:05 MAS: Cricket@7:01: I know. If only they would be willing to talk things out--- but they're not. They won't talk to me about anything, yet I know for a fact my D talks to her father all the time. I don't get it. Will it ever change?

7:05 MAS: Pelagius: That's wonderful!! I'm so happy for you!!

7:05 Pelagius: Ro 828, the day after tomorrow will be two years since the speech, but I think it started back in 2002 when his company didn't get the contract renewed he was working on and he chose not to move.

7:05 Ro828: MAS 7:05. Yes, it will change. In time.

7:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - I truly think a key is working on yourself, becoming strong and showing your H that he doesn't have to be a caregiver, it was his choice before, not necessary.

7:06 Bluesky1: Cricket, nice to see you. Oh by the way, my son turned 22 today so I took him and his GF to lunch, they are getting a kitty!! A very expensive kitty

7:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL- Okay, let's wrap up so we can close

7:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - Hey aren't they all expensive.. but so worth it. Congratulations

7:06 Ro828: Pel 7:05. Your outcome is the one I pray everyone on this board gets.

7:07 Ro828: Night all.

7:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Ro /Thanks - I'm about to close, lets remember to pray for one another after chat.

7:07 Bluesky1: Cricket: $600 if I get a pic I will send it on to you

7:07 Bluesky1: Goodnight

7:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Blue - Thanks

7:07 Pelagius: MAS @ 7:05 thank you. And thanks, Cricket. Ro828, me too. It takes as long as God needs to do the work in him. And the longer it takes, the more time we have to work on ourselves.

7:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Pelagius AMEN - You are so right. Sometimes we are resistant to working on ourselves & focus too much on our spouses & the OP...

6:14 Free to fly: Dr Conway: With Father's Day coming up, is there anything to say or do or don't do?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:14 Free to fly: AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM: with Father's Day coming up, it makes your marital stress get worse. Don't expect your mate to suddenly act better because of the holiday - they will likely pull away even more and perhaps even do something rather ugly. So focus beyond the holiday and plan to do something with safe encouraging people so that you're not sucked into unnecessary trauma.

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