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June 7, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:11 Plumcrazy: Jim---He has had a couple of bad days and nastiness. He has been initiating intimacy more. But then he retreats.. One morning I was half awake and I swear he gave me kiss on the mouth!!!!

6:13 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:11 Plumcrazy: Retreating after showing affection is very common to midlife men. They basically feel that they may have suggested too much by being friendly - they are afraid that their wife might put too much meaning into expressing affection. Just let the process unfold.

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June 7, 2010 / Monday Chat with Jim 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:01 LisaK [Programmer]: Hi Chat Room Guests. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I enjoy serving the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through the tough times of midlife crisis. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to make a tax-deductible donation to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you. Jim will be online with us momentarily; he will read your questions and dictate his replies to me so I can type them for you to read. Jim has time for all questions that are posted before the end of the hour. Thanks for understanding.

6:06 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Hi, this is Jim. I’m grateful to God for everyone’s commitment to save their marriages and to continue helping each other. I’m glad for the ongoing opportunity to work in the lives of people who are struggling with their marriages. I want to encourage each one of you that even though you are experiencing pain, try not to let that pain become destructive in the lives of other people, both your family and the people in the chat room. This is a hard balance to maintain because we want people to be able to share their pain, but make sure that the sharing of your pain does not put someone else down or make their situation more difficult. LET’S BE GIANT CHEERLEADERS FOR EACH OTHER, WITH NO DESTRUCTIVE WORDS COMING IN THE CHAT ROOM OR IN OUR EMAIL TO EACH OTHER. The scripture tells us that we are to encourage and build up one another, not tear each other down. What are your questions for today?

6:05 Bluesky1: all, I have been struggling a bit the last couple of days. Feeling down because d will be going on a couple of small trips with h. Today got a call for first court date. Did see a Conway truck though.

6:07 Plumcrazy: Jim---How are you and Jan doing?

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:07 Plumcrazy: Jan and I are doing extremely well. Our home addition here in Michigan, which includes our 2 offices, is still under construction, so we are living in a small part of a cabin, about 600 feet. Everything is great, except there is no heat, no hot water for showers, we can't flush the toilet very much, and our main computer printer broke today - but things are really great between Jan and me, even though many things are quite chaotic around us.

6:07 MAS: Hello everyone.

6:07 sbky: all .. hello

6:07 Still: Hi everyone!

6:08 Plumcrazy: Jim---H has been showing improvement. He is talking about seeing Dr., being respectful to me, getting on to kids about bad behavior and telling them to talk to each other nicely. Being more active with the kids

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:08 Plumcrazy: All of that sounds great!

6:08 sbky: hello still

6:09 Bluesky1: MAS, boy the heat got to me and my d today. I was cleaning the garage up a bit and have felt sick to stomach for some time now. D still having stomach problems and heat made them worse

6:11 Plumcrazy: Jim---He has had a couple of bad days and nastiness. He has been initiating intimacy more. But then he retreats.. One morning I was half awake and I swear he gave me kiss on the mouth!!!!

6:13 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:11 Plumcrazy: Retreating after showing affection is very common to midlife men. They basically feel that they may have suggested too much by being friendly - they are afraid that their wife might put too much meaning into expressing affection. Just let the process unfold.

6:11 MAS: BlueSky: I'm sorry to hear that. You need to be careful and take things easy in this weather. It is so easy to get heat stroke at this time of year.

6:12 Plumcrazy: Jim--I asked him to go to a concert with me on the 18th thru an email and he said SURE!

6:15 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:12 Plumcrazy: Again, that's very positive.

6:12 Bluesky1: Plum that is good news all around

6:13 Plumcrazy: Bluesky make sure you drink lots of water and get some Gatorade to get your electrolytes back to normal. Get lots if rest too'

6:14 Bluesky1: MAS, Plum, we will fine. It was just a surprise to feel so icky. Usually I get headaches when the heat starts

6:15 sbky: all my h has apparently accepted my d is going to high school . he stood for his word. he wasn’t gonna discuss anything. and I stood for mine. if you don’t discuss it she will go to high school..lol

6:15 MAS: BlueSky: I hope you and your daughter both start to feel better.

6:15 Bluesky1: Hey koko, how are you?

6:15 Bluesky1: MAS, she went to bed, doesn't want to eat, so at least I don't have to cook tonight

6:15 Bluesky1: MAS, thank you by the way

6:17 MAS: BlueSky: Your welcome. At least the one consolation you have is not having to cook tonight.

6:17 Plumcrazy: Jim---I agree that is positive but H said something about having to buy lottery tickets. He said that if he won he would give it all to me. (Before he has said he would do that to get his freedom from me)

6:20 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:17 Plumcrazy: I'm not sure what he means by the lottery tickets.

6:18 MAS: Hi Ro828. How are you today?

6:19 Ro828: Hi MAS. Doing well although a little frazzled. I'm overwhelmed by everything I need to handle for being one person. I almost missed chat tonight.

6:19 Ro828: MAS: How are you tonight?

6:19 koko: Jim. went on fieldtrip w/ w and d on the way down had good conversation she slept all the way back, hr drive, came home changed moods went to exercise. is this normal

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:19 koko: People who are going through a midlife crisis experience frequent mood changes. Don't let this disturb you.

6:19 Plumcrazy: Jim--- This time he said I could buy him a car, bike and boat first then keep the rest. Then H said that I could get a harem of men. I said "No thank you I am not interested in that" Then H dropped the subject

6:19 MAS: Ro828: Glad you made it here. What did you do today?

6:20 Still: Dr. C, My H and I attend weekly Bible studies together. We have been studying the book Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller. We have been studying the various idols, particularly romantic love as an idol. Throughout his MLC he has never stopped Bible Study

6:22 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:20 Still: I'm glad that your husband is still involved with spiritual studies.

6:20 Plumcrazy: KOKO---It is very common for them to drastically change their mood all of the sudden This is called the ROLLERCOASTER

6:20 Ro828: MAS: Took my mom out and did some errands. Now I'm trying to organize my house. What a feat! What did you do today?

6:22 Plumcrazy: Evaline---Long time no see

6:23 MAS: Ro828: Just more stuff around the house...It seems like there is always something that needs to be done. Couldn't sleep AT ALL last night....just wasn't tired and had an unusual amount of energy.

6:24 Still: Dr. C. Yes, he still attends church regularly. I am so conflicted though. We talk about relationships, respect, etc. We talked about men loving their wives as Jesus loves the church, but he never seems to apply the information when we get home.

6:26 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:24 Still: It's not uncommon for a midlife man to live in 2 worlds. 1) a public world where he acts very responsible and religious and 2) a private married world which seems to be the opposite of his public world.

6:24 Plumcrazy: MAS---That sounds like progress!!!

6:26 Ro828: MAS 6:23. Isn't that the truth though!! I've not been able to sleep for weeks. I go to bed but I've been getting up throughout the night. I'm thinking my body hasn't adjusted to the weather yet or something.

6:26 Surety2: hello it's Monday

6:26 Surety2: Dr. Conway.... welcome.... we have missed you

6:27 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:26 Surety2: I'm glad to be back, and I'm sorry I've been in and out so much with my travelling schedule as well as Memorial Day in there. Thanks so much for all of your help facilitating.

6:26 koko: Jim. how do I stop being afraid of w. try not to upset her. but feel I have to stand my ground.

6:28 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:26 koko: It's very important during these times to choose the issues that you want to make a strong stand about. Ask yourself, "will this issue really make any difference in 25 years from now?"

6:26 MAS: Plumcrazy: Progress, yes, but it still would have been nice to sleep! Sometimes you can have too much a good thing! :)

6:27 sbky: surety did you send me a yahoo message a few days ago?

6:27 Plumcrazy: SURETY-------YOU ARE HERE!!!!! YAY!!!!

6:27 MAS: Hi Surety, how are you?

6:28 Still: Dr. C, @ 6:26, Do they eventually integrate the two worlds? Every time we leave, I think maybe this is the day that he will talk to me about the discussion. We haven't discussed our marriage in almost 6 months.

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:28 Still: Yes there is integration so that the 2 personalities really become a better 3rd personality, different from either of the previous personalities.

6:29 evaline: Jim, my h has been living with the OW for 7 months, our final divorce hearing is July 12, now all of a sudden he wants to save the marriage, says he wants to go to counseling & doesn’t want a D, but he just return from vacation with OW, do I trust him

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:29 evaline: I think he is beginning to see some of the realities related to the other woman. Keep on becoming a better woman yourself and let him set the pace about cancelling the divorce hearings, and / or going to counsel. But most of all, don't be disappointed as he bounces back and forth. Remember the other woman is going to be pressuring him. Let your husband know that you want to reconnect, but that you are not desperate.

6:29 koko: Still. that’s just how w is. around friends and family very loose and friendly like her old self but at home her mood changes drastically. Hang in there

6:29 Plumcrazy: KOKO---Jim is right 6:28. It took me a long time and a lot of pain to realize that

6:30 sbky: Dr Conway the conflict with my h over my d staying in the 8th grade or moving forward is over but I am afraid it made a riff between anything that might have got better..I feel he is mad because he had no say..

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:30 sbky: Try to let this issue slide, but remember to include him in similar issues in the future.

6:30 Bluesky1: evaline, what good news, I am hoping and praying for that, I just got my first court date today. I get emotional every time I talk to my lawyer.

6:30 Surety2: sbky: yes I did ...trying it out not sure how it works or how secure it is

6:31 sbky: surety I was away from the pc I did respond. but I have used yahoo for years and years.. I love it..

6:31 Swanlake: sbky - so she is going to stay move forward to the 8th grade? Did the final choice come from you, her or the school?

6:31 koko: Plum. how long has it been for you/your h mlc

6:31 Surety2: Dr Conway: is withdrawal is it normal, if there is such a thing, to communicate, but not on the phone, and very leering about visiting each other.... if that makes any sense

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:31 Surety2, Midlife people are very uneasy about face to face meetings, and they will frequently go back and forth -- closer -- then pull away. I'm glad that you are trying to grow and become a better person. Keep inviting God into that process. You might enjoy reading "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren.

6:32 Still: Dr. C, I hope and pray that the day comes soon when I see the merger. He really has been a very mild MLC'er...even replay (which truly seems to be almost over) has been rough, but not devastating. He is a good guy who is just lost in my opinion.

6:32 Plumcrazy: KOKO--March 2008

6:32 sbky: swan.. after the fight about her going to practice. he stood for his word. he wouldn’t or didn’t say another word about it.. so that is why I am afraid he is mad. I made that decision.. me and my d

6:33 Surety2: Dr Conway.... I just can’t seem to figure my life out..... its like in limbo, I am trying to find a new me and resurrect the great parts of me from old...... this knocks yours socks off

6:33 Still: Evaline, that must have been quite a shock to you.

6:33 Still: Koko, It is crazy isn't it?

6:34 sbky: Dr Conway it is hard to include him when he won’t speak. but we have talked more about the kids a lot more lately. I found a website last night where we could track our son’s flight to Europe. I called and shared that with him

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:34 sbky: Kids generally become a good common ground, which allows the 2 mates to talk to each other. Try to keep the big picture in mind and not disagree about small details.

6:35 Swanlake: sbky - well the good news with MLC is they often quickly set their focus on something else soon and maybe that will become more important to him and he won't be mad for long. I would say to just let the matter die now, be cautious to not add salt to his wounds. Hopefully he will eventually understand that her education is more important than playing sports, especially at her young age.

6:35 sbky: Dr Conway we were just both just totally opposite on what we thought was best.. there was no compromise here..

6:35 evaline: Jim, Thanks that sounds exactly right he sees realities about the OW. since he has his own house which I have never been invited to but the OW comes and goes as she pleases,,, Do I just sit back while he continues the affair with her, I think he is coming out of the MLC because he apologizes for what has happened, says he loves me, I think he is scared to leave ow she is controlling

6:41 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:35 evaline Your assessment of the other woman is quite accurate, and he probably is afraid of her. She is likely to put on more pressure, which will finally give him the courage to break free from her.

6:37 sbky: Dr Conway and swan.. I thing he is seeing that I make those decisions because they live with me.. I take care of them 24/7.. he shows up when it is coach time or when he wants to play dad. he doesn’t do anything but sports on a regular basis.. and he doesn’t want to admit to himself that he isn’t being super dad..

6:43 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:37 sbky: I would encourage you to be glad for any of these small steps he makes. It is probably very hard for him to do any of this. Keep giving him lots of affirmation for any small involvement which you see happening.

6:37 Surety2: @636 Dr. Conway.... so this is good for both of us....good deal!

6:38 koko: Still. yes it is, I have learned from it as hard as it is , to what real love is and how we let our marriage drift apart during all our other family matters, I realize how I took things for granted. Feeling we were fine,

6:38 Surety2: Dr. Conway... we have had some very honest talks, but text message, but the openness especially from me feels real good. do step children cause a riff?

6:45 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:38 Surety2: Most step children feel as if they've been ripped off - they didn't want the divorce, and they are mad when anything doesn't go easy for them.

6:39 Swanlake: sbky - now that you say it like that @6:37, it just might be that the sports is his connection, the one part of stability with his daughter and he might be trying to hold onto that under the guise of "sports are more important for her"

6:39 Marked: Hi everyone just joining

6:42 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Welcome Marked. I'm Jim Conway, President of Midlife Dimensions. This room is here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email address, phone #, home address, or any names. Now, here’s how to join in. 1) Type the name of the person you want to speak to before you type your entry. 2) You're limited to 250 keystrokes per entry. If your entry is long, then click "chat" to post it and start your next entry with the word "continued". 3) Use the words "To All" if you have a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you'd like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We'll have them contact you to exchange information.

6:39 Plumcrazy: Marked---Are you new? first time here? Welcome

6:39 Marked: Second time, I haven't been here for a while

6:39 Surety2: Yes Marked, welcome

6:39 Bluesky1: koko, that is how I feel about my marriage too. So you are not alone.

6:40 Plumcrazy: Marked--Man or woman?

6:40 Bluesky1: evaline, how nice to see some movement and progress.

6:40 Bluesky1: Marked, welcome

6:40 Marked: Woman :)

6:41 sbky: Dr Conway there are no small issues. he had not called me in 4 years over anything but that and when son got in trouble at school. the small stuff is just up to me.. but I understand what you are saying

6:41 Still: Marked, do I know you from other conversations?

6:42 Marked: Hi Still, you don't know me from here but other sites. :) Marked and Healed, aka Passenger

6:42 Still: Marked, gotcha. Glad to see you!

6:43 Marked: Nice to "see" you too. :) Just listening in tonight, I don't have much going on... same old same old, H is out with OW again tonight under some guise or other. I'm home with his children. But we're having fun.

6:43 Plumcrazy: OK someone talk!!!

6:44 Marked: I want to say thank you to Dr. Conway, I just finished one of his books and have another on line to be read as soon as I'm done with current one.

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:44 Marked: I'm glad that the books are helping you, and I'm glad that you have found this chat room. There are lots of people available who can give you encouragement, support, and guidance.

6:45 Snickerdoodle: plum: ok, I'll chime in, my visa for my brazil mission trip came today - good for 10 years!

6:45 Plumcrazy: Snickerdoodle--That’s great

6:45 Bluesky1: Marked, is your h home or does he live somewhere else?

6:45 Bluesky1: Snicker, how wonderful, when do you go?

6:46 Snickerdoodle: blue: end of July

6:46 Marked: My H is home, living in the bachelor pad of our living room

6:46 Still: Hi Free. How are you?

6:46 Free to fly: WOW: Chat room is full:)

6:46 Plumcrazy: Free to fly ----How are you

6:46 Bluesky1: Marked, oh my, and going out with ow right in front of you? I am so sorry.

6:46 Marked: Brazil is beautiful, maybe you can mix in some fun with the work

6:46 Free to fly: Hey Still, I'm ok I was on a telephone call

6:46 koko: Jim. I know I am lucky w is still at home. But it is very hard not to touch w, I used to rub her feet and back almost every night, now we sleep in same bed but apart. How can I compliment her without her thinking I am being manipulative

6:49 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:46 koko: When you affirm your wife, make sure that you are not being phony. Say real things that she knows are true. She will reject you because she's afraid of letting you get too close - but she is storing those affirmations in her mind.

6:47 Free to fly: Hey Plum...missed you guys how's everyone

6:47 Free to fly: Hey MAS

6:47 Marked: Thanks Bluesky, I'm strong, the Lord is by my side. I can take the OW situation, she doesn't bother me that much.

6:47 Bluesky1: Free, hi, nice to see you. Since you and I are in the D process about the same time- I got my first court date today. Very sad

6:47 sbky: bluesky ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

6:48 Free to fly: Dr. Conway: How do you know what stage the MLCer is in?

6:51 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:48 Free to fly: It's not really important to know the exact stage that an mlc is in. What is important is to keep focused on understanding why your mate wanted out, and keep working on your own growing.

6:48 Marked: Sorry Bluesky :(

6:48 Plumcrazy: Koko--Just be sincere in your compliments. Others here tell me that even if the react badly they are store the compliments in their brain somewhere

6:48 Bluesky1: Marked, wow, good for you. How long has this gone on?

6:48 Free to fly: Blue: ((((((((HUGS)))))))) I'm so sorry. I haven't heard anything yet.

6:48 Bluesky1: sbky, thanks

6:48 Still: Koko, I think we have talked about this before. I soooo miss being able to touch my H. He makes it clear that he doesn't want me close to him at all. It really hurts, doesn't it?

6:49 Surety2: Dr. Conway @645; my s father died....he feels that this whole situation is his fault, and when he is grown and gone, we will miraculously heal. I pray God will soften his heart toward my h, and my heart will soften to all the children.

6:52 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:49 Surety2: I would encourage you to get a used copy of the book I wrote called, "Adult Children of Legal or Emotional Divorce". You can get to the MLD Amazon bookstore through the website.

6:49 Bluesky1: Free, good, its not fun

6:49 sbky: all. I am exhausted.. I woke up several times last night knowing son was flying .. we haven’t heard from him or my niece since they left on their school trip. but we figure they are just busy , excited and tired. I am heading to bed. night all

6:49 Marked: I found out about OW in March, I suspect the MLC has been brewing for a few years. He had an A back 2003-2005 and looking back, I think it was the beginning but I yanked him out. Now he's back with a vengeance.

6:49 Free to fly: Bluesky1: Is the date close?

6:50 Marked: Night sbky

6:50 Plumcrazy: KOKO--their not wanting us to touch them is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. H won’t kiss me anymore and if I kiss him he doesn’t return the kiss But at least he has stopped pulling away like before

6:50 Ro828: Marked 6:49. Sorry to hear that.

6:50 Bluesky1: Free, August

6:50 MAS: Hi Free to Fly, good to see you. How are you doing tonight?

6:50 Bluesky1: Free, which of course, is our anniversary month too

6:51 Plumcrazy: SBKY---Goodnight Try not to worry about S I know it is hard though

6:51 Still: Plum, I tried to hug my H at Thanksgiving. He was stiff and nonresponsive. I have not tried to touch him since then. I fear being rejected....it hurts so much.

6:52 Marked: Dr. Conway, what do you do about knowing why your mate wanted out? I mean, if they are not open to hearing anything about reconciliation or trying, how do you make the most of the changes?

6:59 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:52 Marked: Most midlife husbands will not tell you why they want out of the marriage, so you will need to learn from other sources such as many of the articles on our website, our books, "Men in Midlife Crisis", "When a Mate Wants Out", and also ask yourself the questions I frequently ask women, (the information has been gathered from doing years of men's retreats.)..... Let me ask you how you are doing in the three areas that midlife men complain about. 1. Midlife Men complain that their wives are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children). 2. Midlife Men complain that their wives are overweight, out of shape, and do not care about physical appearance. Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man's life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn't have to beg. 3. Midlife Men complain that their wives have not had a new thought since they got married. They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man. How are you doing in these three areas?

6:55 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Welcome Cinder. I'm Jim Conway, President of Midlife Dimensions. This room is here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email address, phone #, home address, or any names. Now, here's how to join in. 1) Type the name of the person you want to speak to before you type your entry. 2) You're limited to 250 keystrokes per entry. If your entry is long, then click 'chat' to post it and start your next entry with the word 'continued'. 3) Use the words ''To All' if you have a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you'd like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We'll have them contact you to exchange information.

6:52 Still: Hi Cinder.

6:52 sbky: plum I am happy he is doing something like this but will be glad when he is home safe

6:53 Free to fly: Dr. Conway: Okay:) Thanks for keeping me grounded. I so want him to snap out of it...(sigh)

6:59 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:53 Free to fly: Hang in there and we'll keep holding on to you and praying for you.

6:54 Free to fly: Blue: August is mine also.

6:54 MAS: BlueSky: So sorry to hear about your day in court. ((HUGS))

6:55 Free to fly: MAS: I'm hanging in just miss the companionship you know. What about you?

6:55 koko: Still/Plum, thank you. Being one of the only Males on here I am just starting to get comfortable chatting. I appreciate the talking,

6:56 Surety2: Dr Conway, thank you! you always give us things to ponder and for me that’s helps immeasurably.

6:56 Bluesky1: Jim I am confused, re: 6:51 why a mate wants out, if MLC is mainly about something within them, and would have happened with the most perfect marriage, why is our fault they want out? Is it not meeting needs while they are in crisis?

6:56 MAS: Cinder: Hi, are you new here?

6:57 Snickerdoodle: Dr. Jim: is your book (6:52) written about children who experienced divorce when they were little and are now adults - my children range from 21-31 and I have been divorced for 3 months

7:02 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:57 Snickerdoodle: Yes, my book is a study about children whose parents divorced, and then how they reacted in the following years. The book also coaches people how to help their children if there is a divorce in process.

6:57 Bluesky1: Free, really? oh my, the things we have in common

6:57 Tamashii: Free: They usually don't "snap out of it."

6:57 Free to fly: Bluesky: Maybe we could have a cyber anniversary party?

6:57 Bluesky1: MAS, thanks

6:58 Still: Dr. Conway, Do you have any thoughts on why some MLC'ers remove their wedding ring? My H has never left home, but removed his ring about a year ago.....saying it was a symbol to me that things were bad between us.

7:03 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:58 Still, the wedding ring is not the issue. The issue is the bad marriage relationship and how can we help that get better? So for now, ignore the wedding ring issue.

6:59 Bluesky1: koko, besides Jim tonight, Tamashii, is our other manly man tonight

6:59 Still: Koko, sure. Tamashii is male.

7:00 MAS: Free to fly 6:55: I know what you mean...It's pretty much the same for me, but am finally adjusting to being alone.

7:00 Surety2: all have a great night!!!!... thanks again

7:00 koko: Still. some days I feel like leaving. I just want my w to be happy I would leave her everything I want nothing except kids/but someone told me that they need you there for them even if it doesn’t seem like it. They need you. That and agape love.

7:00 cinder: Dr. Conway--thanks I will try to chat more next time. My husband is in an A and in MLC I think. Filed for D which I do not want.

7:00 Still: Blue, great questions....I want to know the answers, too.

7:00 Free to fly: Tamashii: Wishful thinking:)

7:00 Ro828: Blue 6:56. Good question. I wonder that too because I thought midlife had to do with the individual going thru crisis about themselves and their life. Not marriage or OW.

7:01 Ro828: Tamashii 6:57 Do you mean they usually don't snap out of the crisis?

7:02 Free to fly: Dr. Conway: Thank you so much.

7:04 Ro828: Free 6:55. That 's a tough one for me as well...the companionship...and my H's been gone for 3+ years and I still miss it.

7:04 Still: Koko, I know what you mean. I want to see my H happy again. He thinks I am the source of his unhappiness, but no parts of his life are making him happy. I am just the only constant he can relate back to.

7:04 koko: Still. I wonder about rings to. w does put hers on certain times is that a good sign

7:05 Tamashii: Ro828: I haven't heard of too much "snapping." It seems to be a long, gradual process with many fits and starts.

7:05 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim. James 4:8, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

7:06 Snickerdoodle: Dr. Jim, my children and I were blindsided by affair and subsequent (very fast moving) divorce. Found out about OW July 08, h asked for D in Aug 09 and final Feb 2010.

7:06 Still: Dr. C. I have worked on all the things he mentioned as being an issue and all those issues you mention. We never argue, never have. I always thought we had great communication. He says he wants more, wants to be selfish, that I am a good person.

7:06 Swanlake: Goodnight all, see you on Wednesday evening

7:06 Marked: Goodnight all

7:07 Bluesky1: is Jim gone? My question didn't get an answer and I have wondered it for a long time. Swan do you have any ideas?

7:07 Plumcrazy: goodnight all Take care'

7:07 Free to fly: Ro828: @ 7:04 Wow that's a long time. Do you have any contact with him?

7:07 Ro828: Tamashii: Ohh...I get what your saying. But, is it possible that none ever come out of the fog at all?

7:07 Bluesky1: Still, I have felt the same way, didn't argue much, thought things were good.

7:07 LisaK [Programmer]: 7:07 Bluesky1: what time was the question at?

7:08 Bluesky1: Lisa, hang on a sec

7:08 Snickerdoodle: Bluesky: Still: ditto for me. we got along great.

7:08 Bluesky1: Lisa, 6:56 you got any ideas

7:09 Snickerdoodle: goodnight all.

7:09 Free to fly: Snickerdoodle, Blue, Still: Ditto for me too, we were best friends

7:09 MAS: Free to fly@7:07: It's been 3 years for me as well.

7:09 Ro828: All: Same with me. Got along great as well.

7:09 Bluesky1: Snicker and Still, I think that is why it is so painful to let go. Just shell shocked. I don't know about your h's but mine didn't share feelings for the most part of marriage.

7:09 Free to fly: MAS: That's a long time.

7:10 Still: Blue, Snicker. We were friends since he was 16 and I was 18. We married years later, but have always gotten along. I was his first relationship and he feels he missed out now that we are 21 years down the road.

7:10 MAS: Free to fly: It's been even longer for many others in this chartroom.

7:10 LisaK [Programmer]: 7:06 Still: Men often act like selfish teenagers at midlife.

7:11 Ro828: Blue 7:09. Exactly. If he didn't share his feelings why does the marriage and the spouse get the blame for his unhappiness?

7:11 Bluesky1: Still, kind of the same thing here, I am wondering if that is a part of it. I am 2 years older too

7:11 MAS: Free to fly: How long has it been for you?

7:11 Free to fly: Blue @ 7:09: My H didn't either, always said he thought we got along great.

7:11 Ro828: Free: How long have you been going thru this

7:11 Bluesky1: Ro, yep, I think I have said something like that too. So you tell me now and that’s it, no working on it

7:12 Free to fly: MAS: H left in March but I got the speech in Dec 31. He filed for D in May...

7:12 Bluesky1: all, makes you want to have had many fight sometimes. Seems to be a common thing.

7:12 Still: Lisa, I do see a self-absorbed person. Not the person I have known for 24 years, but a person who is trying to get all his needs met without regard to anyone else. It is a strange phenomenon.

7:13 MAS: Free to fly: So, it all happened pretty quickly for you, it seems.

7:13 Ro828: Blue 7:11. Because I don't believe it's us. I think some of these men don't want to look within so they blame the spouse, the job, and the kids, the whatever. It's not if I'm dolled up or not. Sorry but that's my opinion.

7:13 Bluesky1: Still, my h said to me, it was time for him to be selfish.

7:13 Free to fly: ;Ro828: See 7:12 but as you can see he is "hot and heavy":)

7:13 Free to fly: MAS: Yes.

7:14 Bluesky1: Ro, no apologies, that’s it exactly, That is why I have heard Jim say that before and I get confused.

7:14 Still: Blue, so many of us have heard the same/similar things.

7:15 LisaK [Programmer]: 6:56 Bluesky1: There are generally some underlying reasons. Most midlife men would rather just get out, then tell their wife the truth about what he wants her to change, that maybe he wants a sexier wife, a wife with a mind of her own, a wife who contributes income to the family, a wife who acts like a girlfriend to him instead of a mom to his children (and him). Regardless, even if a wife is perfect, she can always grow stronger in Christ and be better for it.

7:15 Still: Have a good night all!

7:15 Ro828: Free: So this is somewhat new for you. I'm sorry.

7:16 LisaK [Programmer]: Bluesky, if you have not read or seen "Love and Respect" by Eggerichs, you really should.

7:16 Free to fly: Ro828: its okay. One thing I could say I've had everything but the kitchen sink thrown at me all at once.

7:17 Ro828: Blue 7:14. I agree with what you're saying. It's not about 'us'. It's what is inside of them. No amount of changing that I ever did effected him in any way. None.

7:17 LisaK [Programmer]: I attended their seminar with my husband, and a dozen other couples from church, and basically all the husbands said, "yes - that's how we feel", but they didn't know how to explain it.

7:17 Free to fly: Good night Still

7:17 Free to fly: Good night all

7:18 Ro828: LisaK 7;15. I understand what you are saying but "he" had issues too. He can't blame the wife for all his woes. I didn't like a lot what he did either but I didn't up and bail and find another man all the while still being married.

7:18 LisaK [Programmer]: Heavenly Father, please comfort and be with everyone who was here tonight, and who reads this in the archives. Bless them with grace and love, help them to grow strong in Christ, and closer to You every day. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

7:18 Bluesky1: Lisa, I started to read it and I didn't feel I applied because my h and I were always respectful to each other, no name calling, had manners etc...

7:19 Ro828: Free 7:16. Yeap...I think we all have who has endured this nightmare.

7:19 MAS: All: I think they feel that they've spent so many years shouldering what they feel were heavy responsibilities, now it's time for them to be selfish and live the lives that THEY want to lead.

7:20 Ro828: MAS 7:19. And that precisely what my H said as he was walking out the door. He was going to do what he wanted to do and it was his time to be selfish.

7:20 MAS: All: They just want to be free again, like in their youth.

7:20 LisaK [Programmer]: 7:18 Ro828: I hear you! I’ve been there too. My husband left me twice for the same woman. Yes, I had stuff to fix, but he had issues too, and is still working on them. We are restored, for just over 2 years now. Praise the Lord for bringing us through, and for helping me to be forgiving and not just saying "he had issues". Jesus did not point done at me from the cross and cry out to God saying "but she has issues", thank goodness! God will deal with the husbands too. You just take care of everything you can with God.

7:22 MAS: Good night everyone!

7:22 LisaK [Programmer]: goodnight everyone. Come back Wed. night.

6:11 Plumcrazy: Jim---He has had a couple of bad days and nastiness. He has been initiating intimacy more. But then he retreats.. One morning I was half awake and I swear he gave me kiss on the mouth!!!!

6:13 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:11 Plumcrazy: Retreating after showing affection is very common to midlife men. They basically feel that they may have suggested too much by being friendly - they are afraid that their wife might put too much meaning into expressing affection. Just let the process unfold.

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