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May 24, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:16 Still: Dr. C., I continuously try to show my H kindness, compassion, patience, and understanding. Sometimes H is cordial, but often he isn't even extending polite courtesy. I have concerns about what this teaches our young children. What are your thoughts?

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 Still: When you are alone with your young children, explain to them that daddy is going through a hard time in his life right now and he needs our patience and our prayers. Try as much as possible to ignore some of his outbreaks - they may be indicators that he's not ready to trust the marriage relationship yet. Keep working on personal growth and changing.

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Monday Chat with Jim, May 24, 2010, 6-7 pm PST, CR#2

6:00 LisaK [Programmer]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he’ll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via PayPal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:02 LisaK [Programmer]: Heavenly Father, amazing God. Please just be with us tonight, and allow the Chat Room to work properly for us. Bless this time and the answers Jim has for everyone.

6:03 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Hi Everyone. I'm writing to you from Northern Michigan. Our home office is still under construction and we are living in about 500 square feet of the building. But we are on a beautiful lake, the sun just set at 9:03, and God is good to all of us. What are your questions, I'm ready to chat.

6:03 Yoli: Jim: How are you? It's been a long time. How's Jan?

6:06 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:03 Yoli: We are both doing very well, and Jan is continuing to do things related to her book, "The Finisher".

6:07 Yoli: Jim: My question is still the same as always. Why are my daughters so ugly to me and why does my husband still not want to talk to me? I'm getting very down. Had a rough weekend and continued through today.

6:13 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:07 Yoli: Most of us get our sense of feeling good about ourselves from what other people say. But that makes us very vulnerable and easily attacked. It's very important that you get your identity from your relationship with God and other positive people such as people in the chat room. I would strongly urge you to read the book, "Life of the Beloved" by Nouwen.

6:08 sbky: Jim not sure I have any questions I can report I have lost 35 pounds since I started weight watchers and in the last 3 months or so me and h has had a couple of two hours conversations about the kids. but most recently head butting over d

6:15 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:08 sbky: Yeaaaa for you for losing all that weight! I lost 14 pounds while I was in Hawaii, but I have been on the road for the last almost 3 weeks eating all kinds of fast food, so I think I'm starting to put some of it back on. My goal is still to lose 30 pounds - what the doctors want.

6:08 Swanlake: Jim - daughter called this weekend, during talk she commented that her dad often states that he did ow's husband a favor by hooking up with her because she is a blood sucking leech. Ow’s 2nd husband and my husband are friends and often joke that my husband will be able to get rid of her until the next guy comes along and does him the same favor and takes her off his hands. So, why the thought he can never get rid of her, he didn't have any problem divorcing me to marry her! Don't get it?

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:08 Swanlake: Many midlife men thinks they're going to improve their spot in life by abandoning their own wives. They frequently get into a worse mess and then become quite depressed - this may be going on with him.

6:09 Yoli: sbky: You go girl. Wow 35 pounds. Was that your goal when you began this?

6:09 WTG4GOD: Hi Jim, I'm new here, H just moved out 3 weeks ago but we're very cordial, even downright friendly and chatty now that I decided to stand - it's the "weirdest" separation in the midst of the circumstances but I praise God for it - no question yet :)

6:19 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:09 WTG4GOD: I'm glad that your husband is very cordial with you. This is a great time for you to take a good look at your marriage and yourself and see if there are areas where you could easily have some improvement. Remember that you need to be looking through your husband's eyes at your marriage. Let me ask you how you are doing in the three areas that midlife men complain about. 1. Midlife Men complain that their wives are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children). 2. Midlife Men complain that their wives are overweight, out of shape, and do not care about physical appearance. Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man's life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn't have to beg. 3. Midlife Men complain that their wives have not had a new thought since they got married. They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man. How are you doing in these three areas?

6:09 sbky: Jim but he stills seems more relaxed except the one time I made him mad over d.. He thinks he should tell her what to do when she lives with me. And he doesn’t keep them at all. Just when it is convenient

6:20 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:09 sbky: overlook some of the short term temporary outbursts from your husband or your daughter.

6:09 sbky: yoli at least 40 more...

6:10 Still: Hi Everyone.

6:10 WTG4GOD: great news sbky on the weight loss - congrats! :) I lost 22 lbs since I found out about ow!

6:10 Yoli: sbky: Oh my gosh, you'll blow away when there's a strong wind! Good for you. I'm proud of you for doing this

6:11 sbky: wtg4god. My h has been gone 4 years so this isn’t the mlc diet. But way to go just work on keeping it off if you needed to lose it

6:11 sbky: yoli I still weigh 217

6:11 sbky: yoli I have went from a 22w to a 16 w

6:11 Hannah [Facilitator]: hi everybody

6:12 Still: Hi Hannah.

6:12 WTG4GOD: Jim actually I do have my question now - how can my H be so friendly & cordial & even text me and joke w/ me during this time? I know he's double-minded right now but I still wonder. It's like every two days he has to reach out and banter w/ me

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:12 WTG4GOD: See my comment at 6:19

6:12 WTG4GOD: Hi Hannah

6:12 sbky: all my d was sleeping with me last night. She said. Mom it feels so different when I cuddle up to you. There is so much less of you. It is great

6:12 Still: Hi Koko.

6:13 WTG4GOD: keep at it SBKY - you're doing great :) yes I'm going to keep going need to lose about 10 more and that's pushing it, I am SKINNY right now :)

6:13 sbky: wtg I needed to lose it.

6:14 Yoli: Jim: Yeah, you're right. I think I also need to see a counselor so that I can learn how to argue and voice what I have to say. I'll look into the book you mentioned. Thanks.

6:14 WTG4GOD: Hi Koko

6:16 koko: everyone-hello

6:16 Still: Dr. C., I continuously try to show my H kindness, compassion, patience, and understanding. Sometimes H is cordial, but often he isn't even extending polite courtesy. I have concerns about what this teaches our young children. What are your thoughts?

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 Still: When you are alone with your young children, explain to them that daddy is going through a hard time in his life right now and he needs our patience and our prayers. Try as much as possible to ignore some of his outbreaks - they may be indicators that he's not ready to trust the marriage relationship yet. Keep working on personal growth and changing.

6:16 Yoli: Jim: I felt amazing during and after the mission trip to Guatemala. So much so that I'm going to Bolivia and then to Guadalajara. Both are mission trips to orphanages. The one to Guadalajara is bilingual Speech Pathologists. I really felt that I was getting close to God and doing his work. Then the same old thing happens.

6:24 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 Yoli: I'm really proud of you with being involved in mission work. Let those kind of events and experiences influence what you think about yourself, rather than what other people say about you.

6:16 Swanlake: Hello koko, how are you tonight?

6:17 koko: swan: doing pretty good

6:19 koko: Jim: started reading "Love Dare" seems like it is based for both spouses. Is this possible to start and do alone

6:25 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:19 koko: Yes, it's best to do it alone, then you are not likely to feel that your mate is not keeping up their end of the bargain.

6:20 Swanlake: Jim - I guess it just hurt my feelings because my daughter went on about how miserable my husband is, the things he calls the other woman, etc. and yet he says he is stuck until someone else comes along for her to leave him for. Why is it so different for her, she is in control and until she leaves him, he is going to stay and be miserable? MLC is a hard thing to understand. Thanks for your wisdom.

6:26 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:20 Swanlake: Let me assure you that the other woman is also miserable with your husband - he is a confused man making everyone miserable.

6:21 sbky: Jim it was hard. I saw the man who walked about 4 years ago. the looking away and saying "I am not discussing anything" . I thought that man might be gone..lol but I guess not

6:28 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:21 sbky: whenever you lose a lot of weight, everybody will need time to adjust to you as a new person - you will also need time to adjust to the new you.

6:22 WTG4GOD: Dr. C - great response. I def could have improved on #2 which I have. Every time I see my H I make sure I am looking GOOD. Not auditioning for my role but I want him to see the changes. I was very wrapped up in kids and family b4. He was always... trying 2 get me to go out w/ friends in the last 9m, always telling me to get out and DO MORE for me. I've def carved out a life for myself in various ways but I feel like since he's not here he can't see it :( his friendliness is shocking

6:30 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:22 WTG4GOD: Everything you're describing is very positive. Keep putting your trust in God and let Him do His work on both of you.

6:22 Plumcrazy: Hello All--Just got home form taking kids to fencing class Hello Jim

6:24 Still: Hi Free.

6:24 Hannah2: goodnight all, early night for me

6:24 Free to fly: Hi Still/everyone: How are you tonight?

6:25 Still: Dr. C at 6:23. That sounds like a good plan. We actually went through a period of about 10 days when he was laughing, spending more time with the family, using a silly little voice he used to use.....then, back in his darkness.

6:31 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:25 Still: The back and forth swings are fairly normal, just keep your focus on the goal and God.

6:26 Bluesky1: MAS, you around? just not listed?

6:26 Free to fly: Still: At least he was out for a little while. Cherish those memories

6:26 MAS: BlueSky: Yes, I am here. :)

6:27 Still: Free, how are you tonight?

6:27 Bluesky1: MAS, how was your Sat thing?

6:27 WTG4GOD: hey buttons :)

6:27 buttons25: Hey wtg2god

6:27 buttons25: Hello everyone

6:27 Still: MAS, are you hiding?

6:27 Still: Hi Buttons.

6:27 Free to fly: Still: I am okay, went on the beach with kids and friends...thought about H a lot today.

6:27 Yoli: Jim: Thank you. I really feel that mission work is my calling, just like I do with my job. As long as I can afford to keep going, I will be on mission trips.

6:28 Yoli: MAS: Bluesky is right, I hadn't noticed. You're incognito tonight.

6:28 Free to fly: Hi buttons25

6:28 WTG4GOD: JIM here is another question, why do men in MLC who have an OW seem to get serious with the OW so quickly?

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:28 WTG4GOD: Men generally don't do very well alone, so they easily get drawn deeply into relationships quickly.

6:28 sbky: free to fly. I found when I couldn’t help but to think about h all the time I started praying for him every time I found him on my mind

6:29 WTG4GOD: Still and Yoli, I thought I saw MAS leave???

6:29 Still: Free, I hope you were able to focus more on having fun with your kids though. I have found the time with my kids is so much more enjoyable.

6:29 Free to fly: sbky: Thank you, that's a great idea.

6:29 MAS: BlueSky: He was very nice. It went well. Everything is going wrong today, though... like Murphy's Law. To top things off I just dropped an entire cake that came out of the oven. How are you doing?

6:29 buttons25: Dr. Jim... my H (who has been in the house since he returned injured) took off his ring two weeks after he returned, early Jan... he has just recently put his wedding ring back on... NOW, he's frisky and wanting more than just cuddles... he has been around me more and more, the other day he even came to my work and spent three hours there... said he was bored... due to his injury though he can't really go too fare with things, which for me is fine, at the moment

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:29 buttons25: It's a good sign that he is showing interest in you again. Remember to figure out why he wanted to be away in the first place. That is key to what you need to keep working on and changing.

6:29 Plumcrazy: Jim Things have been good with H for about 5 weeks. I have really worked on not reacting to things H says. Letting stuff go. My FIL told me something that H said to him before we got married that helped put my mind at ease some. We did have a rough time Sat nite though, D was being EXTREMELY nasty. She has been having some health/psych. issues that we are trying to figure out. H got upset and said something very nasty to her. D lost it and ended up saying "Why doesn’t Daddy love me" I said I said "Your Dad loves you he was just upset" H came and talked to D They hugged He told her He loved her. Then he went for short drive, came back and she was upset again H started hitting himself in the head. Then they both calmed down and it has been ok since then.

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:29 Plumcrazy: Some of the conflicts that you are describing are very normal when there are health issues. Do what you can to explain to your daughter that her dad is going through some stress himself, and that some of his comments to her are an attempt to try and fix her problem. Everyone needs to give everyone else a little more space and grace. You all need to see the DVD set "Love and Respect" as it applies to the entire family.

6:30 Yoli: WTG4GOD:I saw her respond. I thought I was losing my mind.

6:30 Free to fly: Still: We did have a great time, there were just those moments....

6:30 Still: WTG, I think MAS is just shy tonight. Come on MAS....show yourself. We are friendly.

6:30 Free to fly: MAS: Hey there, I can't see you:)

6:31 WTG4GOD: Thank you Jim. I will, I definitely am standing FOREVER. I know God has got this covered and his word will not be returned void :)

6:31 buttons25: HI Free....

6:31 koko: Jim. What does W actually mean. Says she doesn’t want to spend rest of her life w someone she doesn’t love, but does not want me to go any where, says she is not going any where

6:35 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:31 koko: Your midlife wife is wanting to feel romance and passion again. You need to think through how you can help meet some of those needs in her life by surprises such as flowers, cards, etc.

6:31 Yoli: MAS: You and I should hold hands. Battery on the car was completely dead this morning. Only 1 1/2 years old. Had to get neighbor man to help me jump it. It was 6;15 in the morning. Then had to take it in for a new battery. I've cried a lot today. not about battery, but about everything.

6:31 MAS: Still: Yes I watched as I saw myself say "goodbye."

6:31 MAS: WTG4GOD: No, I'm actually still here. Just invisible...yet again.

6:31 buttons25: Dr. Jim... how do I deal with all this new stuff? I don't know where his head is as far as we go, staying or leaving or anything... I keep praying, just want to know ho else to respond. he had said it was because of how I supported the kids, stood up for them when he was upset with them... none of what he said made too much sense though...

6:40 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:31 buttons25: Remember that this is a time of change and in the past your husband may have felt that you connected more with the kids than you did with him. Most men, as they reach midlife, want their wives to be companions and playmates, not mothering children.

6:32 sbky: mas I was sub teaching one time and a parent brought a cake for the little girl’s birthday. I dropped the cake on the floor I thought she would cry but she didn’t..

6:32 WTG4GOD: LOL MAS @6:31 OK I thought I saw that too! LOL I don't see you in the list either - WEIRD

6:32 Bluesky1: MAS, ok, busy with my d's grad party. Plus she has a out pat. precede tomorrow, then her actual grad. I am ready for the week to be over and it is only Mon.

6:32 buttons25: MAS... you are not invisible to us though... how you doing?

6:33 buttons25: Free... how are you doing?

6:33 WTG4GOD: 6:32 @ Dr. Jim - he started this relationship with the OW before he moved out and is traveling to another country to see her (as I discovered) I was expecting him to "cut me off" emotionally but he hasn't. Confusing. Again, trusting God. that's good advice Buttons. I keep forgetting the MLC'er is looking to see change and we need to know what drove them away

6:41 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:33 WTG4GOD: Midlife is a very confusing time for everyone. That's why your stability should be from God, not the changing circumstances.

6:33 MAS: Still@6:30: LOL

6:33 Free to fly: Dr: Jim: My H served me with D-papers after us only being separated 2 months, really with no explanation. Is he that unhappy? If I hadn't read your books I might have signed them but thank GOD for your website, I have learned so much

6:43 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:33 Free to fly: It's difficult to know why your husband filed so quickly, he may have been pressured by the other woman, he may have felt guilty - there could be several reasons. But most of all, it shows how confused he is.

6:35 koko: Jim: I notice sometimes W looks at daughter(16) yrs old w a look of death every little thing she does wrong. How should I react to W if I feel sometimes she won-t let D learn from mistakes. I have done that. plenty of surprises, she doesn’t want to do anything together just the two of us

6:46 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:35 koko, Remember that mother and daughter conflict during the teen years is quite normal, don't let it freak you out. Remember that the surprises should be things that she would enjoy, not that you necessarily would enjoy - or even be included in it. For example, she might really like to spend a weekend with some of her high school girlfriends, and you might arrange for them to have a night at a fun restaurant. But the fun surprises should always be things that your wife wants, not things that you want.

6:35 buttons25: Plum... your H is in the house too isn't he?

6:35 Yoli: sbky: I know you didn't mean to make me laugh about the cake you dropped, but I'm rolling on the floor about it. I can see you doing that. thank you for the laugh.

6:35 Plumcrazy: Buttons ---H is in the house yes Never left

6:35 MAS: Yoli@6:31: With all that's happened today, I've been surprisingly calm. Haven't even cried. I thought I was going to lose it when my cake fell out of the pan . Maybe I'm just numb. It seems that nothing ever goes right.

6:36 sbky: yoli. I scooped it . took the frosting off(the only part that could have touched the floor) and the kids ate it.

6:36 buttons25: Plum.. that's right, I thought so, you are I have ours at home...

6:36 buttons25: sbky... yum that sounds like a good plan! :)

6:36 Yoli: sbky: Thank you for that graphic description. Oh my goodness I'm sitting here laughing like I'm crazy. dog is staring at me too.

6:37 Still: buttons, My H has never left either. Well, physically....emotionally he has been gone over 2 years.

6:37 buttons25: ALL... My aunt had her operation yesterday

6:37 MAS: sbky@6:31: Strong little girl....Better than I would have been.

6:37 buttons25: Still.. right... mine emotionally too... physically I brought him home after he returned injured

6:37 sbky: mas I would have too at her age'

6:37 Bluesky1: buttons, LisaK is actually admin and is helping Jim.

6:38 Yoli: MAS:I do think we all get that way where nothing happens. We could have our teeth pulled and wouldn't need any Novocain. That wears off after awhile. Were you baking a cake for a special occasion?

6:38 MAS: BlueSky: You are not showing on my list, either. Are you invisible as well?

6:39 Bluesky1: MAS, guess so. no biggie

6:39 WTG4GOD: MAS I don't see Bluesky either - I didn't even know you could go on invisible here

6:39 Plumcrazy: Jim---H has been doing lot better. Lots of talking, joking etc. Spending more time with the kids less playing online game. Even getting involved in discipline and telling them how they are behaving is not right That they need to be nice. H had been wanting a lot more physical intimacy. Seemed to be getting closer then full halt. Think he got scared and ran back into the cage. I decided to let him make all the moves and that I wont initiate anything w/o asking if ok

6:48 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:39 Plumcrazy: It's good that your husband is making these changes and sharing some of the child responsibility. It's a normal progression to want more intimacy, but intimacy, even though he wants it, can be frightening because he might feel that he is making a commitment by getting too close to you.

6:39 Still: MAS, I have a Murphy's Law magnet, too. This winter we went tubing. It was one of those tubing lifts where you hook on and they pull you to the top. Well, the electric went off and my tube (at the top) unhooked and crashed and unhooked everyone and they all came crashing to the bottom in a huge people/tube mass. They said some not so nice things.

6:39 Yoli: MAS:I like to think that you all are incognito rather than invisible. I'm sorry now I have the giggles and am laughing even about your question. Better than crying.

6:39 buttons25: wtg4god.. it's more that for some odd reason names don't appear

6:40 Plumcrazy: Jim@6:38 Thanks I will look at the DVD

6:40 Free to fly: Bluesky: Hey how are you?

6:40 sbky: all I had to go see h after work to pic up some raffle tickets. he asked if I was going to the softball field where our d was. I said yes and he pulled out money for me to get her some food. she had called him. I said I have money. but he still gave I

6:40 buttons25: ALL... so I feel a bit negligent (sp?) this weekend... my aunt had her operation on Sunday and is doing fine, but I didn't know until this afternoon because I hadn't phoned or anything since I called Friday night...

6:40 Yoli: Still: that’s a pretty good description as well. Laughing about this as well. Only because I can see it happening. Things like that happen to me too. I'm like a walking disaster waiting to happen.

6:40 Plumcrazy: Jim ---H has never disciplined the kids before even went against me in the past. Nice change. H has even said things like "I should go to the Dr. and put my elbows on the table" I said "Oh, is it turn your head and cough time?" H laughed and said yeah. He has also been taking better care of his health

6:50 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:40 Plumcrazy: All of these are positive indications.

6:41 buttons25: Dr. Jim... Thank you...

6:41 MAS: buttons25: Well, like I had mentioned, everything is going wrong today. My application for health insurance was rejected, I dropped a cake that just came out of the oven, and my H brought up divorce for the first time in a while!

6:42 buttons25: ALL... PTL though that he operation went well and she is doing good... pray that I don't get sick (I'm fighting something) so that I can visit her

6:42 buttons25: Lisa... LOL... that's alright, just wanted to check that you're alright...

6:42 WTG4GOD: Dr. Jim in regards to your comment at 6:40 - how can a stander show their MLC'er that they've changed, esp. when they've moved out? How will the MLC'er see it? I know God can do all things so I guess I shouldn't wonder :)

6:51 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:42 WTG4GOD: Remember that you are not God - let God be God in this situation - you're only responsibility is growth and change and trusting God.

6:42 Yoli: MAS; I’m sorry about all this. I like Jim's comment about getting your stability from God not the changing circumstances.

6:42 buttons25: MAS... wow, what a rough day... were you able to remain calm when your H mentioned divorce?

6:42 Bluesky1: Free, hi ya, doing okay, busy this week. How about you? Lawyer yet?

6:43 MAS: sbky@6:36: Don't feel bad. I'm doing the same thing.

6:43 Still: Yoli, All I could think of as I am trying to use my cute (but not so practical) fashion boots to stop me is these folks are coming off this rope like berries plucking off a vine. When I finally got to the top, my friends said, "Uh..what just happened

6:43 WTG4GOD: Thanks Jim re: 6:41 - I have to remember that although thankfully with God's mercy I have stopped REACTING to the circumstances. I just know God has got this covered even in the bleakest of moments

6:43 MAS: buttons: How is your aunt doing?

6:43 buttons25: WTG4GOD... people will see your changes, your H will notice when he is around, your kids will notice... he'll hear about the changes...

6:44 Yoli: All: I’m probably a day late, and usually a dollar short, but that's okay. Carlyne's conference call yesterday with the Andrews, I have always felt as if he was telling my h's story.

6:44 buttons25: Plum.... mine too... with nicer weather and feeling, sometimes, better he's been friskier

6:44 MAS: Yoli@6:38: Nope! Just for me.

6:44 WTG4GOD: good point buttons. I had something pretty exciting happen with my business and I guess the kids told him and he sent me a text saying congrats

6:45 Free to fly: Dr Jim: I know I can't figure it out. I had to really read scripture to communicate with H after that, because I feel so betrayed.

6:53 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:45 Free to fly: I'm glad that you are communicating more with God because he is the one who can give you the necessary stability that you need. You might also enjoy reading "Life of the Beloved" by Henry Nowen that I suggested to Yoli earlier in the chat.

6:45 buttons25: MAS... my aunt is doing well, from what I was told by the nurse on her ward....

6:45 MAS: WTG4GOD@6:39: LOL It's computer problems.

6:45 Plumcrazy: Buttons ===glad to hear your aunt is doing well

6:45 buttons25: WTG4GOD... that's it, somehow they always find out!!! Esp. when you have so many connections in life

6:46 Plumcrazy: Hey Cricket

6:46 buttons25: Plum... thanks, I just feel really bad since I have not visited her at all this time around

6:46 buttons25: Hi cricket!!!

6:46 Yoli: Still: Did you tell your friend that you didn't know what happened? That's funny. You should have seen how many times my suitcase fell over during mission trip. Everyone just looked at me. I am quite the klutz.

6:46 buttons25: MAS... did you manage to rescue the cake?

6:47 MAS: Still@6:39 Oh no!! That probably would have been me if I were there!

6:47 Yoli: MAS: Was it an upside down cake? Sorry couldn't resist.

6:47 Free to fly: Blue: I'm hanging in there. We contested so we're waiting on a response from his Lawyer. As in what happened in Bethel's case we know GOD is always in control

6:47 Still: Yoli, I just said, "I really can't explain that. Let's just say, I won't be coming back anytime too soon" My life is always one mishap after another. I can completely relate.

6:48 buttons25: hello cricket2 and morwenna

6:48 MAS: Yoli@6:39 MUCH better than crying! Did you read what Still said at 6:39!?

6:48 Cricket2: Hi all - I'm glad to see chat seems to be working better. I was catching up. MORWENNA - Wow you're up late, are you okay?

6:48 Morwenna [Facilitator]: Hiya everyone! I thought I'd check in before I go to bed :-)

6:48 Free to fly: Hi Cricket/Morwenna

6:48 buttons25: Plum.. that's a positive thing

6:48 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:48 Free to fly: Hiya!

6:49 Still: Hi Morwenna, Hi Cricket.

6:49 Yoli: MAS: Yes I'm laughing about that as well. I can totally relate to these things that you talk about.

6:49 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:48 Cricket2: I'm fine thanks, just been filling in some forms and hadn't realized how late it was :-)

6:49 buttons25: Dr Jim and Plum... it is also scary/frightening for us too... we are giving of ourselves to them and are afraid of being hurt all over again!

6:55 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:49 buttons25: It is very scary to think of giving yourself again to a man who has betrayed you - that's why we encourage you to go very slowly, giving time for God to give everyone peace so that the fear is taken away before you get deeply back into the relationship.

6:49 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Morwenna - it's almost my bedtime here on the East Coast. And so it's getting really late for you isn't it?!? Glad you checked in with us though.

6:49 Plumcrazy: JIM--He was watching a commercial for ABILIFY for Bipolar. H said "Maybe I should see about that for my polar or is it manic depression" I wanted to say "they are the same thing" But I resisted

6:57 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:49 Plumcrazy: I'm glad that you resisted diagnosing your husband, but you can encourage him by telling him that you are proud of him for wanting to be the most healthy that he can be.

6:50 buttons25: Morwenna... haven't seen you before/met you

6:50 WTG4GOD: Hi Morwenna!

6:50 Cricket2: WTG4GOD - A nice praise that your H sent you a congrat text

6:50 sbky: dr Conway is the talking about the kids a way of or a start to reconnecting

6:58 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:50 sbky: Children often are the middle ground for reconnecting. So this is a positive action.

6:50 buttons25: Plum... good for you

6:50 Free to fly: Plum @ 6:49: Good girl:)

6:50 Plumcrazy: Hey Morwenna Don’t see you here much at nite How are you?

6:50 WTG4GOD: Cricket, thanks yes it is and he always comes over and wants to see my latest work - he always seems so proud

6:50 Yoli: Morwenna: Hey, how are you? Haven't seen you in a while. Good I hope.

6:51 MAS: buttons@6:42: Yes, I did remain calm. I actually surprised myself this time and didn't lose it over the phone like I usually do.

6:51 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:49 Dr. Jim Conway: Yes, it's approaching 3am for me. Thanks for the welcome!

6:51 Yoli: Jim: I’m afraid to call my husband at al. He's made it pretty clear that he doesn't want anything to do with me right now.

6:59 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:51 Yoli: It's probably good to give him a little space - but keep on working on your changes - you are obviously getting his attention.

6:51 WTG4GOD: I just want to testify to you all that when you ask God to open YOUR eyes as well as the eyes of your MLC'er he will remove a lot of the hurt and pain you are going through. God has shown me my errors in this as well and let me forgive my H

6:52 Cricket2: Free to Fly - Yes God is in control, as with my H, some have to get their D to find it isn't the answer, part of that hitting bottom they need to do as we keep working & growing

6:52 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:50 buttons25: Hi, I'm in the UK and usually facilitate on Saturday chat

6:52 buttons25: MAS...Yay, good for you! I know when my H has said something about it or about selling the house I have been much better about being calm and not responding... or giving a more positive response

6:52 koko: Jim: what is and when do you use "tough love"

7:00 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:52 koko: Tough love comes in when your mate is ready to reconnect. That's when you want to make sure that all of the initial problems have been solved so that the relationship doesn't fall apart again.

6:52 buttons25: Morwenna, which explains why we haven't met yet... I work on Sat from 3-7 pm PST... I'm in BC...

6:52 WTG4GOD: Ooh you checked me Dr. Conway on my comment at 6:42 - you are so right :) Thank you for that. I receive!

6:52 MAS: Stil@6:43: I'm trying to envision it all in my mind. That must have really been something to see.

6:53 Free to fly: MAS: I just read what Your H talked about...how are you?

6:53 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:50 Yoli: Doing OK thanks and you?

6:53 Cricket2: Morwenna - Don't get me wrong, always good to see you, just know it's really late on your side of the pond

6:53 buttons25: Morwenna... I could make the chat but it's usually my finish up time...

6:53 Plumcrazy: Jim---I want to email you about something H said to me and ask your opinion about it. It really put things into THINGS that h is dealing with right now, I just don’t understand why these became an issue now

7:01 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:53 Plumcrazy: Maybe you'd like to set up a phone counseling session?

6:53 buttons25: Morwenna... finish up projects time so I can eat and relax a bit before work...

6:53 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:52 buttons25: One day perhaps?

6:53 Cricket2: WTG4GOD - That really is a huge praise that he shows interest & seems proud, really huge!

6:54 buttons25: Morwenna... perhaps..... it's a time where I could, just need to remember and take the time to connect with others and relax

6:54 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:53 Cricket2: I'm a night owl :-)

6:54 Still: MAS, Yeah...something to hear, too. "Hey, Lady, stop it, stop it.....Oh, Nice Lady, thanks a lot!" A truly humbling experience.

6:54 Free to fly: Dr Jim: Thank you, I'll purchase it.

6:54 Cricket2: WTG4GOD - You are so right about how much God can do in both of us....

6:54 buttons25: WTG4GOD... that is definitely a good thing! being proud of you shows he still is feeling connected...

6:55 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:54 buttons25: I'll try and make other chats more often :-)

6:55 MAS: Morwenna, hi!

6:55 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:55 MAS: Ha! Ha! I surprised you I think?

6:56 WTG4GOD: Cricket & Buttons - thank you, I'm receiving it as something positive for sure :)

6:56 Yoli: All: Thank you. I'm really tired. Crying takes a lot out of me not to mention what it does to my contacts.

6:56 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: ALL - Morwenna is our Facilitator from the United Kingdom. Welcome to her! She's usually here on Saturdays.

6:56 MAS: Hi Cricket!

6:56 buttons25: Morwenna... good... I'll try for Sat one day soon... if my H is around though I don't come on as I feel that is not good for working through things...

6:56 Cricket2: Free to Fly - My H was like this with fast to file for D. He left & a couple months later asked me not to give up on him. Then a couple more months later, he filed for D. The OW pressured him & his health issues scared & caused him to become angry

6:57 Cricket2: MAS - Hi yourself. I'd gotten phone calls as chat was starting so just had a chance to join you.

6:57 MAS: Yoli: Upside down cake. Ha! Ha! That was a good one!! Well, it is NOW!! LOL

6:58 buttons25: ALL... I am going to head, it's been a very long weekend, garage sale, thinking about my aunt constantly... PLEASE keep her in your prayers...

6:58 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:56 Dr. Jim Conway: I need to redo my ordinary login, I can only login as a facilitator at the moment. I'm just sitting at the back for now ;-)

6:58 Plumcrazy: Jim @ 6:57---Sometime I miss out on affirming H Cause I am scared to compliment him and drive him away. Cause in the past he didn’t like me doing that and retreated.

7:01 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:58 Plumcrazy: Sometimes people retreat, and they are affirmed because they feel unworthy - but usually they store the affirmation away in their mind.

6:58 Free to fly: Cricket: Yes I believe he is being pressured by the OW. They are so controlling aren't they?

6:59 buttons25: Dr. Jim... thank you, I am trying to take it slowly without having my H think that I don't want him... I am trying to give him lots of positive reinforcement... like when he spent the time at my work with me (it's a corner store and Sunday nights ... can be quite boring....it was nice to have the company

7:02 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:59 buttons25: I'm glad that you are taking it slowly, remember to stay deeply connected to God during this process.

6:59 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:56 buttons25: OK, will watch out for you. Have been praying for you - for all of you in fact

6:59 sbky: night all

6:59 buttons25: Night sbky

6:59 koko: all: good nite all god bless

6:59 buttons25: Morwenna... thank you

6:59 buttons25: night koko

6:59 Plumcrazy: nite SBKY

6:59 Free to fly: LisaK: I sent an email on the website to your attention, did you get it?

7:00 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 6:59 buttons25: You're welcome. This is a wonderful place for giving and receiving support

7:00 Plumcrazy: Jim--Do you ever do face book chat? I have a question I would like to ask you if you aren’t busy after this It would be quick. I would understand of you say no though. If not I will send you an email

7:03 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 7:00 Plumcrazy: I generally don't have time to spend on Face book, even though I do have a FB page.

7:01 buttons25: morwenna... it definitely is and I am glad God has given me the chance to direct a few others this way... I am praying that one I directed here on Sat night will make it here.. it sounded like she really need this group

7:01 MAS: Free to Fly: Thank you for your concern. I'm trying to remain calm and dealing with it as best as I can. Am praying that he said it in passing and won't bring it up again.

7:01 Plumcrazy: Jim-- 7:01 Still: Dr. C on another midlife forum a poster stated that they heard you on a radio program state that 50% of MLC marriages can be restored. Can you clarify this?

7:01 Free to fly: MAS: Keep praying

7:01 Swanlake: Goodnight all, see you Wednesday

7:02 MAS: Morwenna: Yes, it is QUITE a surprise to see you here tonight!

7:02 Free to fly: Goodnight everyone

7:02 buttons25: MAS... the best is to turn it over to God and leave it in his hands...

7:02 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 7:01 buttons25: Hopefully she'll turn up when she's ready

7:02 buttons25: Dr. Jim.. thank you I will

7:03 buttons25: Morwenna.. I hope so too... she really seemed to need the positive connection with fellow Christians....

7:03 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim.

7:03 buttons25: ALL... Night, you are all in my prayers...

7:04 Cricket2: Good night all, have a good week.

7:04 Plumcrazy: Goodnight everyone Take care

7:04 MAS: Goodnight, everyone. Chat went really fast tonight!

7:04 Bluesky1: MAS, I missed your comments, what happened?

7:04 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 7:03 buttons25: It is so very important to stay close to one another and to God. I've grown so much in my faith during this journey

7:04 Still: Night.

7:04 LisaK [Programmer]: ALL - I'm back in the room as myself again.

7:04 buttons25: Hey Lisa... just in time to say good night

7:04 WTG4GOD: night all, have a blessed week! stay prayed up and in the word of God :)

7:04 LisaK [Programmer]: 6:59 Free to fly: I will look for it.

7:05 buttons25: Morwenna.. I am definitely learning to turn to God more and more.. I praise God for sbky who directed me here initially and that I've been able to do that for others since!!!!

7:05 MAS: BlueSky: Have you been here or did you leave?

7:05 buttons25: Night WTG4GOD!!! take care!!!

7:05 Bluesky1: MAS, kind of off and on, so I missed it

7:05 Cricket2: MAS - It seems like everyone I know had a difficult day today, we need to pray intensely and know the Lord will be watching over us.

7:05 Bluesky1: Lisa, I will respond too, I think I have to make a login

7:05 buttons25: Aw... we care about you though Bluesky... I hope your week goes well

7:06 MAS: BlueSky: Ohhh...There was a lot said tonight.

7:06 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 7:05 Bluesky1: Yes, that's what I had to do. I got it sorted out in the end

7:06 buttons25: MAS... I hope your week is much better than today...

7:06 Bluesky1: buttons, thanks doll, you too. I will miss Wed night

7:06 MAS: Cricket: Thank you, Cricket. I will. Nice to know I'm not alone.

7:06 buttons25: Blue.. ty....

7:06 LisaK [Programmer]: 7:01 Still: I'm sorry, Jim has left the room already. I don't know if that person is quoting Jim accurately or not, or when that was stated by Jim (if it's accurate). It's been many years since he's been on Focus on the Family - if that's where this person heard Jim say this. Jim's been on many other talk shows as well. I would say though, that marriages can be restored. I'm in a restored marriage myself.

7:07 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 7:05 Cricket2: Sorry to hear that. I'll have to read chat when it's been edited to find out what's been going on...

7:07 Bluesky1: Morwenna, good to hear. Is it for stuff for immediate attention, like a chat

7:07 Cricket2: Good night, The Lord is watching over all of us, we just need to trust Him & focus on him.

7:07 MAS: Thank you buttons! You too!

7:07 Bluesky1: Still, I have heard 80%

7:07 buttons25: Night...

7:08 MAS: buttons: Have a wonderful evening. My thoughts and prayers are with your aunt.

7:08 LisaK [Programmer]: Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30

7:08 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 7:07 Bluesky1: It's all very new to me, so I'll have to spend more time tomorrow exploring it - I did leave a photo just now though...

7:08 MAS: Goodnight Lisa, Jim, Morwenna and Bluesky!

7:09 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 7:08 MAS: You're invisible MAS! Goodnight though!

7:09 MAS: LOL!

7:09 LisaK [Programmer]: Time to close now, and I thank You Lord for being with us tonight and making the Chat Room work for us so that everyone could talk with Jim. You are so good to us Lord. Please continue to watch over and be in this chat room and help it to work correctly so that people can be encouraged and supported here, in You. In Jesus Name, Amen.

7:09 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 7:08 LisaK: Amen to that!

7:10 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 7:09 LisaK: Amen

7:10 LisaK [Programmer]: Good night (or should I say...Good Morning!) Morwenna. :O)

7:10 LisaK [Programmer]: Thanks for being our Saturday Rock Star!!!

7:10 Morwenna [Facilitator]: Bye LisaK! Have a good rest of the day - I'm off to bed now

7:10 MAS: Morwenna: Hopefully, you'll be able to see me next time.

7:11 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 7:10 MAS: Yes! See you Saturday perhaps?

7:11 Morwenna [Facilitator]: 7:10 LisaK: :-D

6:16 Still: Dr. C., I continuously try to show my H kindness, compassion, patience, and understanding. Sometimes H is cordial, but often he isn't even extending polite courtesy. I have concerns about what this teaches our young children. What are your thoughts?

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 Still: When you are alone with your young children, explain to them that daddy is going through a hard time in his life right now and he needs our patience and our prayers. Try as much as possible to ignore some of his outbreaks - they may be indicators that he's not ready to trust the marriage relationship yet. Keep working on personal growth and changing.

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