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May 3, 2010 / Jim Conway

6:16 Plumcrazy: Jim-- H and I were talking calmly then I guess I talked to him to long cause he got VERY nasty about my past. He had me in shreds. Since then he has been very nice and was even sneaking looks at me in the car when I picked him up. Why the big change in his behavior? WHY better behavior after the nastiness?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 Plumcrazy: It sounds as if he has been wanting to tell you off for some time. And it appears to have released some of his internal anger. I would encourage you to surrender this whole episode to God and not dwell on what was said.

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CR#2, Mon. 5/3/10, 6-7 pm PST


6:01 LisaK [Programmer]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he’ll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via PayPal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:02 Bluesky1: Hi Lisa, how are you?

6:03 Plumcrazy: Hi everyone

6:03 Bluesky1: Hey MAS and Plum

6:03 MAS: Hello everyone.

6:03 Plumcrazy: MAS how are you?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30)

6:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: ALL: Jan and I are only here about 4 more days, then we head back to the mainland for summer. We will be on the road next Monday, so I will not be in the Chat Room that evening. Please come and visit with our gifted Facilitators though.

6:04 Swanlake: Hello everyone

6:04 MAS: Hi Swan.

6:05 MAS: Hi Snickerdoodle.

6:05 LisaK [Programmer]: Heavenly Father, thank you for the people who have gone through this and are willing to share their advice and encouragement. Thank you that we are not alone. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

6:06 Bluesky1: Hey Swan, and Snicker and Still

6:06 LisaK [Programmer]: 6:02 Bluesky1: Hi there. I'm pretty good. Have been on the move non-stop it seems, so it feels good to just be sitting still here with all of you tonight. Now, let's just hope the chat room doesn't go bizerk on us!

6:06 Bluesky1: Snicker-did you see your h this past weekend?

6:07 Still: Hi Blue...Hi everyone!

6:07 Bluesky1: Lisa, yes and amen to that too

6:07 Snickerdoodle: Blue: no, no contact. He had dinner with 2 our children

6:07 MAS: Hi Still.

6:07 Bluesky1: Snicker, I am so sorry. I know you were probably hoping.

6:07 Still: Hi Mas...how are you?

6:07 Snickerdoodle: Blue: h has 3 more weeks of his current project then he will be in town indefinitely

6:08 MAS: Still: Okay...Just a bit tired today. How are you doing?

6:08 Bluesky1: Snicker, I don't remember, did you h do this suddenly and you were blindsided?

6:08 Snickerdoodle: Blue, didn't see him but saw the grandbaby, my mom and step-dad and 2 friends from Germany - it was a good weekend

6:09 Plumcrazy: All---Had a terrible day Sunday H and I were talking then it turned ugly H started attacking me for my past. I was so beyond hurt

6:09 sbky: all hello

6:09 Still: I'm good, Mas. Just general tiredness are you having?

6:09 MAS: Still: I'm not sure...I think it might be from my meds.

6:10 MAS: Hello Free, how are you?

6:10 Bluesky1: Snicker, glad to hear you had a good weekend with others. It helps.

6:10 Still: Hi Free.

6:10 Snickerdoodle: Blue: I was blindsided when I found out about OW. I'd hoped we could work it out and finding he had actually retained a lawyer was a big surprise. From that point the divorce was full speed ahead - Aug to Feb and it was a done deal

6:11 Free to fly: MAS/Still: I'm okay, just feeling a little down...having one of the bad days. Like it's never going to end.

6:11 Plumcrazy: All-Since then he took me to a store I wanted to go to and even came in. Surprise there... then he started to take the cart. H said “here let me take that" But I took it instead. H was like "Be that way "

6:11 Bluesky1: MAS, yes that AD can make you tired. Should get better though. Any luck in contacting her?

6:12 Bluesky1: Snicker, oh, I didn't know he had an OW, besides her, does he have signs of midlife?

6:12 Swanlake: Plumcrazy - your husband is never going to get past your history until you do and stop reacting to his bringing it up. Are you seeing a counselor? If you are, it might be a good topic to discuss with them - your past and how to get beyond it and help you to not allow others to taunt you with it. It is done, over; it isn't who you are anymore.

6:12 Bluesky1: Lisa, Hopefully not!!

6:12 sbky: all my h seems so much more relaxed when I call to ask him something. I just called to ask if they knew what days my d played in the tournament this Thurs, Friday and Sat... I want to go to my moms and take her out to eat for mother’s days. He was nice and relaxed

6:12 Still: Free, we all have those days.....it is a rollercoaster a much for us as it is for our spouses.

6:12 Plumcrazy: All---So then I was talking to a friend on the computer last night when he went to bed. He came back down and reached across the computer where I was and said is this window locked Then I heard him upstairs rolling around in bed above me LOL

6:12 MAS: Free: It does feel like it's never going to end, doesn't it? I do know what you mean.

6:13 sbky: mas I have been on a few different kinds of ad. The one that worked the best made me sooo sleepy. I was happy when I was awake. But that wasn’t much...lol

6:13 Free to fly: Still: I know thanks. I couldn't wait to chat with you guys it’s so normal here...everyone else is so critical of everything.

6:13 Bluesky1: sbky, that is great news, you have had a lot of good news lately.

6:13 Snickerdoodle: Blue: he had explosive bouts of temper, which I had never seen in him. He was spending money (secretly) on toys for himself. He claims he broke up with OW in Sept. 08. He's out of town so much no way of knowing if he's involved with her or anyone

6:13 Swanlake: Hi Jim - how is your back?

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:13 Swanlake: I'm still not fully recovered from throwing the rock at the pig. Thanks for asking.

6:13 sbky: blue I just hope it keeps coming...

6:14 Bluesky1: Plum I pray that you would give him some space.

6:14 MAS: BlueSky: I just wonder if I need to make a switch. No, I still haven't heard from her. I still have quite a few refills left, though.

6:14 Plumcrazy: Jim---I hope you are feeling much better

6:14 sbky: sbky giving God all the praise and the glory

6:14 Plumcrazy: Bluesky --I am giving him space

6:15 Bluesky1: Snicker, I see, so things were good before the OW?

6:15 Bluesky1: sbky, sounds like it will

6:15 Bluesky1: MAS, I would say not from my experience, it can take several months before you could be normal.

6:15 Bluesky1: MAS, how many times have you called her?

6:15 sbky: Dr. Conway... I heard through a very short grapevine... that someone said something to my h about him being divorced. And he admitted we are not divorced that we have been separated for about 4 years...

6:19 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:15 sbky: It sounds as if he doesn't want to leave the security that being married to you provides - but at the same time he doesn't feel good enough to want to get back into the marriage. Is there anything that you can do to help him feel more comfortable to get back in the marriage?

6:15 Snickerdoodle: blue: I thought so. The only thing we disagreed on was his work that required so much travel. H met OW on a project.

6:16 Plumcrazy: Jim-- H and I were talking calmly then I guess I talked to him to long cause he got VERY nasty about my past. He had me in shreds. Since then he has been very nice and was even sneaking looks at me in the car when I picked him up. Why the big change in his behavior? WHY better behavior after the nastiness?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 Plumcrazy: It sounds as if he has been wanting to tell you off for some time. And it appears to have released some of his internal anger. I would encourage you to surrender this whole episode to God and not dwell on what was said.

6:17 Bluesky1: Plum, if you are still getting into arguments he still needs a bigger amount of space. Did you see what Swan wrote?

6:17 Snickerdoodle: Blue: upside - even if he is "with" OW she's in Indy and he's been in the deep south since Sept. So not so much fun for either of them. She teaches, can't just take off during the school year

6:17 Plumcrazy: Blue ---Yeah I did. I think maybe this was his way of doing that. To push me away

6:18 Snickerdoodle: Blue: he seemed to like me just fine before OW - always bragging about me, etc. we are/were very compatible

6:18 Bluesky1: Snicker, same here with the travel thing. I complained about that too. Well, he doesn't live here anymore and travels more than ever.

6:18 Swanlake: Jim - Now for the really important question - did you save the banana tree? LOL!!

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:18 Swanlake: The banana trees are ok, but the new little sprouts for the new banana trees were eaten by the pig.

6:18 MAS: sbky: May I ask which one worked best for you? It's good because I don't have the anxiety I once had, but on the other hand, I don't want to exist in a fog all the time, either.

6:19 Plumcrazy: JIM---How big a rock did you throw and how hard? LOL

6:22 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:19 Plumcrazy: It was a rock that weighed 4,000 pounds!!!

6:19 Snickerdoodle: Blue: my counselor (we had seen him for MC) thinks reality will set in when H is in town - in our house - all summer.

6:19 sbky: mas cymbalta made me happy... but tired... lexapro just kept me from crying... wellbutrin made me feel like I was going crazy... I take Sam E over the counter... I love it best

6:19 MAS: BlueSky: NOT from your experience?

6:20 MAS: BlueSky: Twice... once at her office and once on her cell, and I left detailed messages each time.

6:20 Bluesky1: Snicker, well that is good. I sometime wonder if what my h says about being unhappy for so long could be true. My h never said things like, "you are a good mom", you are beautiful, or bragged about me. I am starting to believe I was a maid and mom

6:20 Bluesky1: Snicker, to run the kids.

6:20 sbky: Dr. Conway... I have been nice. Invited him to go out with me and kids for his birthday. Just left it open. He didn’t go... I don’t know want to say or do anything that will freak him out. He has not said anything to me about us... we barely talk... he is just starting to communicate a little... called his moms a couple of times... I answered instead of him asking "where’s mommy" he just tells me what is going on, such as winning the softball game.. My d meeting some college players

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:20 sbky: your husband probably did not go with you because he was afraid that it would show too much willingness to get reconnected. However, he does seem to be making some headway - so keep working on the changes that you have discovered about yourself.

6:21 Bluesky1: MAS, could your number be blocked? Oh no, you said you left messages

6:21 Snickerdoodle: blue: when I found about the OW H said he had felt so bad for so long it just felt so good to feel good. - Never really said what he felt bad about - I was clueless. Seemed happy to me

6:22 Free to fly: Plum: Did you H have an OW?

6:23 sbky: Dr. Conway. I have also lost 27 pounds so far on my new lifestyle of weight watchers... can’t wait to weigh in tomorrow night

6:25 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 sbky: We are all so very proud of you for the hard work that you're doing - I also want to report that I have lost 14 pounds.

6:23 Bluesky1: MAS, to make a switch right now. It takes time with the meds, I have heard up to 6 months, and since your dose just changed I would give it more time.

6:23 Plumcrazy: Jim---I am not dwelling on it. I decided to just move on from that make a fresh start from today, Although I do realize that even though I thought I had dealt with my past and moved on I really felt down deep that I was damaged goods

6:27 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 Plumcrazy: It would be important to keep working on what God thinks of you - because He doesn't see you as damaged goods. However, your husband may feel that there were issues that he did not know about when you guys were married.

6:23 MAS: sbky: Thanks for the info. Cymbalta actually made you feel happy?

6:23 Snickerdoodle: blue: all last summer he would say, I still think you are pretty, BUT I don't love you. Great meal, BUT I don't love you. After awhile I just told him thank you for your thoughts and tried not to take it personally.

6:24 Free to fly: sbky: Keep it up with the weight loss. Good for you.

6:24 Plumcrazy: JIM---4,000 lbs? What are you SUPERMAN? LOL

6:24 Still: Dr. C, My H is still living at home. When the kids are around, it is fine. when they go out to play or are with friends, it is so uncomfortable to be with my H. He seems to put any barrier between us. I just leave him alone. Should I try to communicate with him or just follow his lead of giving him space?

6:28 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:24 Still, 6:25 Still: Keep giving him space, but continue to work on the growth issues that God has pointed out to you. Apparently, your husband still doesn't feel that there's enough growth and change in the relationship.

6:24 Plumcrazy: All-I have lost 5lbs in last 2 weeks

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:24 Plumcrazy: Wow! Sounds like everyone is losing weight! Congrats to Plum and all of you!

6:24 sbky: Dr. Conway that is what I thought. just keep letting him be... taking care of me. and my kids

6:25 sbky: plum way to go

6:25 Free to fly: Plum: Congrats! Great job

6:26 Plumcrazy: YAY Jim & SBKY

6:26 Snickerdoodle: blue: another sign, he had those blank shark eyes - spooky

6:26 Bluesky1: MAS, you can't compare what drugs work for one person, everyone is different. For example, cymbalta hurt my stomach. Everyone has different reasons for why they are on their particular medicine. I was on a bipolar med for a bit but I am not bipolar

6:26 Still: Dr. C, great job on the weight loss.

6:27 Free to fly: Snickerdoodle: My H has those piercing/shark eyes. It's almost as if he's looking through me.

6:27 Bluesky1: Snicker, oh yeah, I like those, thank but no thanks. And on your earlier post, I think he was saying he felt better about the guilt of an OW, now that it was out in the open.

6:27 sbky: Dr. Conway way to go

6:27 Still: All, what causes those "dead shark eyes". My H no longer has them, but I couldn't even look at him for the longest time. Extremely spooky.

6:28 Free to fly: Dr. Conway: Congratulations!

6:28 Snickerdoodle: free to fly: my friends described H as having no life in him

6:28 Bluesky1: Still, I would say the confusion and depression

6:29 Plumcrazy: Jim@6:27---You are right about that but he did after we were married a yr and a half We have been married 21 yrs This started in March 2008. can he after 19yrs decide it is a problem that he can’t deal with

6:31 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:29 Plumcrazy: Sometimes, men going through midlife crisis churns up old issues. Let God calm the situation. I think he thought he had buried the issue, and that it would not bother him, but midlife crisis is bringing it to the surface again.

6:30 Bluesky1: Jim, I'm not, boo whoo

6:30 Free to fly: all: When I see my H, I try not to look at him as it is very discouraging. You can tell that he is far away

6:30 Still: Dr. C, there has been a great deal of growth and change in me. How can there be growth and change in a relationship that he does not participate in? He is here, he is an amazing father and a good person, but he is not a husband to me.

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:30 Still: remember that your husband is going to need lots of time to make sure that the changes are really going to stick - so give him the time and space he needs - but keep changing.

6:31 Plumcrazy: Hi KOKO

6:31 MAS: Snicker/BlueSky: I think that BlueSky is absolutely right about your H feeling better about things being out in the open. Right after I discovered that my H had OW, he started communicating with me again and actually seemed noticeably more relaxed. I thought it was bizarre, but that was the only answer I could come up with.

6:32 Free to fly: Dr. Conway: Why do they try to communicate through the children? Makes it even harder to keep them grounded.

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:32 Free to fly: Most men are afraid to talk, but often it's less painful to talk to the children. Sometimes, men will try to use the children to be their allies against the wife. It's generally positive that he is still communicating, even if this is not ideal.

6:32 koko: all how is everyone tonight

6:32 Snickerdoodle: ALL: Isaiah 64:1-4 "God acts on behalf of those who wait for Him" This really helped me from not taking matters into my own hands and contacting H this past weekend.

6:33 Free to fly: MAS @ 6:31: When I found out about the OW my H went in shut down mode.

6:33 Plumcrazy: Jim-----I did find out something good though from my FIL. At the beginning of MLC H told me he didn’t want to marry me that his Dad had picked a girl out for him and he didn’t want to marry her so he asked me. But the month before he lost his MLC mind he told me that he had made up that story when he asked me to marry him so he could be sure that I would marry him. That month before he was more demonstrative than he had ever been in 19yrs'

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:33 Plumcrazy: Sounds as if he is trying to make a connection - that's possible.

6:33 Free to fly: koko: Hello, how are you tonight?

6:33 Still: Snicker, I have a personalized verse "Be STILL and know that I am God."

6:33 koko: doing ok

6:33 Free to fly: Still: Hey that's mine too:)

6:34 sbky: still I need something that says that.. I hear that from God over and over..

6:34 Snickerdoodle: Still : that is a great one. kept me sane during the first few months of our marriage crisis.

6:34 Free to fly: still: Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night I sing it to myself so the bad thoughts go away

6:35 Snickerdoodle: still: there might be different opinions on how sane I was LOL

6:35 Still: Free/sbky, I hear the verse all the time in many different settings. I even saw it on a marquee one day when I was having a very bad moment. God is AWESOME!

6:36 Bluesky1: Free to Fly@6:32, my h does that too. Just today, he texted d to tell me that he was coming over.

6:36 Free to fly: Still: Yes HE is!

6:36 Free to fly: ndakmom: Hello, how are you?

6:36 MAS: Free@6:33: Wow...I guess that only goes to show that there is no set pattern to MLC. They are all so unpredictable.

6:36 Still: Snicker, I think we all go through different levels of sanity.....sometimes in the same day. LOL

6:37 Free to fly: Dr Conway: Thanks, I was a little concerned about that.

6:37 ndakmom: Hi Free and everyone- sorry I'm late, beautiful weather here, outside enjoying it and lost track of time

6:37 MAS: Hi koko and ndakmom.

6:37 Plumcrazy: JIM---My FIL told me that my H had called him overseas and said "I have found the woman I want to marry" Fil said that he never told him he had to marry someone else doesn’t know what H is talking about Fil said "Is she a good match for you? So now I am more relaxed because I know at one time he did want to marry me and be with me Even though he denies it and is very hurtful to me now. I was never really sure that he did and felt like he would leave me sometime in the future.

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:37 Plumcrazy: It looks like this difficult time has given you some positive information that ultimately will help your relationship.

6:38 Still: Hi ndak....how are things at home?

6:39 Free to fly: Koko: Are you okay, what's going on with you

6:39 ndakmom: Dr Conway- my H has been home over a week, he's been sleeping on the couch, he's been in great spirits, been wonderful to me, complimenting and thanking me all the time, however not word about us as a couple. Do I say something or let him? I'm afraid he never will and just continue to live like we are indefinitely.

6:43 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:39 ndakmom: the process that is going on is very normal as he takes small steps towards reconnecting. Don't be worried about the future - just keep meeting his needs and being a fun person to be with.

6:39 Snickerdoodle: blue: shortly before MLC my husband told me he saw me in each of our 3 daughters - not just their looks but character traits, talents and abilities. I hope H continues to see our girls - because a part of me is right there.

6:40 koko: JIM, D did something to upset with, made a bad choice, W said can't do this anymore, and I don’t even want to be in same house as her. Says she looks ahead spending rest of her life w someone she doesn’t love. Doesn’t want me to leave or go anywhere, says she is not going anywhere what does this mean

6:45 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:40 koko: It sounds as if she is very hurt and confused. Remember, it is very important that you understand your wife's needs and meet those needs. Let me ask you how you are doing in the three areas that midlife men complain about. 1. Midlife Men complain that their wives are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children). 2. Midlife Men complain that their wives are overweight, out of shape, and do not care about physical appearance. Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man’s life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn’t have to beg. 3. Midlife Men complain that their wives have not had a new thought since they got married. They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man. How are you doing in these three areas?

6:40 ndakmom: Still- things are really good, my only complaint is H still has yet to talk to me about us as a couple, we are virtually living as roommates and good friends, but it pretty much ends there

6:41 Bluesky1: Snicker, what a nice thing to say. I would love to hear something nice from my h. I never realized it was lacking until all of this. I always told him what a good father he was, etc..

6:42 Still: ndak, think of it as that is how you started....look at it as rebuilding again.

6:42 Snickerdoodle: blue: what will you do, if anything, for father's day?

6:43 Free to fly: ndakmom: At least he is back home.

6:43 ndakmom: still- I keep telling myself that, it just becomes frustrating at times. I would do anything just to have him give me a hug at this point.

6:43 Bluesky1: ndak, lot of patience is needed. Have you seen it said here before, that it could take up to 2 years for a 'normal' feeling again?

6:43 ndakmom: free- true, I thank God daily for that.

6:44 Plumcrazy: Ndak@6:43---I understand how you feel I would love for that to happen even kiss me on top of my head

6:44 Snickerdoodle: blue: when do you start counting?

6:44 koko: Jim: did take D Sunday to church and spent some time with her, just me and her, she is 16

6:44 Still: Ndak, I know what you mean. My H and I live together and he hasn't hugged or kissed me in 14 months. I am a very affectionate person and it is very difficult to live like that.

6:44 Bluesky1: Snicker 6:42, nothing, he is not my father and doesn't live here. Oh, do you mean like send a card? I haven't before

6:45 Snickerdoodle: blue: yes, I was just wondering if you made any gesture. what about his birthday?

6:45 koko: LisaK: Wed at 3 pm would be fine I will email info tomorrow thank you

6:45 Bluesky1: Snicker, for the 2 years, I suppose when he is back in the house (remarried)

6:45 ndakmom: blue- wow, 2 years? I know it will take time, it's hard to envision us still doing this in terms of years, but I know it's very possible.

6:46 Bluesky1: ndak, up to 2

6:46 ndakmom: still- I'm a very affectionate person too, I see him hugging and kissing the kids and I just watch wanting him to hug and kiss me too

6:47 sbky: ndakmom I know that feeling. I think I would pass out if he did hug me

6:47 Bluesky1: Snicker, I called him, but this past year he was on a business trip so I emailed I think. The thing is our anniversary is the day after his bday. So it is difficult. The first year when we were kind of separated he didn't acknowledge my bday and my d

6:47 Still: ndak That is the same with my H. He is very huggy with the kids. Lots of ticking, hugging, handholding. I am very grateful for that, but I often feel very slighted.

6:48 Swanlake: BlueSky - You know I never got my husband a Father's Day gift or card all the years we were married, like you said he isn't my father and the kids always honored him. It was the same with Mother's Day. We always agreed on that.

6:49 sbky: all I am going to shut down and say goodnight. my d and me are watching flight plan and I just can’t get into it. too much going on

6:49 Bluesky1: Snicker, was very hurt (as was I), so I called him a lashed out at him and he apologized and made sure he called the following year. That was the call that he said "our relationship is OVER", he acted mad at me because we hadn't talked much that

6:49 Still: My anniversary and birthday are on the same day. It makes it very awkward.

6:49 MAS: Hi evaline. How are you?

6:49 MAS: Hi Cindy.

6:49 Bluesky1: Snicker, month (d and I were at his parents over summer), so because we hadn't talked it was over, and this was something he wanted!!

6:50 Free to fly: evaline: Hello, how are you?

6:50 CindyJ: Hi mas and everyone.

6:50 Free to fly: sbky: Good night

6:50 Free to fly: Cindy: Hi

6:51 Plumcrazy: Cindy ---how are you? How is your D and the twins doing?

6:51 Still: Dr. C, Can you tell me what the biggest reason is that a marriage might not survive MLC?

6:56 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:51 Still: After working with thousands of couples, the key seems to be that they understand each other's needs, and meet those needs. Sometimes there are issues such as too much stress, physical illness, the tragedy in the family, job loss, etc. - these things zap the energy from people so that they don't even want to try to meet their mates needs. But as long as one mate is willing to reach out and meet the other's needs, they frequently can bring the marriage back.

6:51 Plumcrazy: Sbky---Goodnight and take care

6:51 Bluesky1: Still, how it sure does make it awkward

6:51 CindyJ: Plumcrazy....they are doing well. Thanks for asking.

6:52 Bluesky1: Swan, I understand, we did do dinners for each other for those holidays.

6:52 Free to fly: Dr. Conway/all: I'm nervous about Mother's Day. I'm trying to plan something so I don't get depressed. Any ideas?

6:57 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:52 Free to fly: It's best not to have any expectations on Mother's Day. Some husbands do nothing at all because their wife is not their mother, so they feel as if they're off the hook.

6:52 Plumcrazy: All----Watched a great movie with family last night,. H even watched The Blind Side Awesome movie!!!!!

6:53 Free to fly: Plum: Yes it was, loved it! A nice feel good movie

6:53 MAS: Still@6:49: My anniversary is the same day as Mother's Day AND my mother's birthday. So far, we have gone out every year since my H left, but he never acknowledges our anniversary at that time. It really hurts.

6:54 Free to fly: MAS: I'm sure it does. How long has he been gone?

6:55 Snickerdoodle: Good night all, eyelids getting really heavy.

6:55 Still: Mas, I completely understand. Last year, my H took the kids out to get me gifts a couple days before my birthday. I know he just wanted to celebrate early because of the anniversary on that day. Just a text that day "sorry we are where we are today."

6:55 Free to fly: Snickerdoodle: Good night

6:56 ndakmom: Good night all- kids are starting to act up, so I probably should go help H. Have a good night!

6:56 MAS: Free: Separated 3 years now.

6:57 koko: goodnight all

6:57 MAS: Still: It is very hard, I know.

6:57 Still: Dr. C. Thanks for your insight. I work each and every day to be kind, considerate, understanding.....all the things my H used to be much better at. I pray that it will someday show him how much I truly love him and want this to work.

7:00 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:57 Still: You're on the right track, but additionally, keep asking God to help you to see your marriage through your husband's eyes. If you know what bothers him, then you're in a better position to make modifications.

6:57 Bluesky1: MAS, then start preparing yourself now for this weekend so you don't get depressed. I know you have a double whammy

6:58 Plumcrazy: All--Something that totally surprised me the last 2 Mothers Days since this started H got me awesome flowers and last year an arrangement of living plants Still have it.. he has always gotten me awesome MD gifts from the "KIDS"

6:58 Free to fly: Dr. Conway: You're right, thanks. That's a good way to look at it.

6:59 Free to fly: all: Good night

6:59 Plumcrazy: Free---Goodnight take care

6:59 Bluesky1: Free, hopefully your kids are old enough to celebrate and do gifts on their own. That is what matter, really.

6:59 Swanlake: Goodnight all, see you Wednesday evening.

7:00 MAS: BlueSky: My brother has made tentative plans for a family brunch, but now he's talking about canceling...So, we'll just have to see what happens.

7:00 Bluesky1: Swan, LOL

7:00 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim.

7:00 Free to fly: Bluesky: I'm sure they'll come up with something. They are 15 & 11

7:00 CindyJ: Jim @ 6:57....you are so right about having no expectations and that we are not their mother and I remember hearing that one other time. So true and not so hurtful when you think about it that way.

7:01 Bluesky1: Goodnight all.

7:01 MAS: Goodnight everyone.

7:01 Plumcrazy: goodnight all Take care

6:16 Plumcrazy: Jim-- H and I were talking calmly then I guess I talked to him to long cause he got VERY nasty about my past. He had me in shreds. Since then he has been very nice and was even sneaking looks at me in the car when I picked him up. Why the big change in his behavior? WHY better behavior after the nastiness?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 Plumcrazy: It sounds as if he has been wanting to tell you off for some time. And it appears to have released some of his internal anger. I would encourage you to surrender this whole episode to God and not dwell on what was said.

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