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April 5, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:23 evaline: Jim, all of a sudden my H is now calling me. wished me Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, I know he & the OW are still together... I am scared I think he is just trying to suck me back into calling him and being friends but I had to detach from my H and I stopped verbal contact for my emotional stability because when I would talk to him the rejection made me feel so unhappy, Now all of a sudden he is calling me , wished Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, but I am scared he is trying to sucker me back into calling him and being his fried to make himself feel good that he has two women the OW and the wife pursuing him.


6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 evaline: Often the husband will do some testing to see if there's still a relationship with his wife before he will give up the other woman. Just take it slow and make sure your encouragement and stability are with God and not depending on what your husband does.

Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.

CR#2, Mon. 4-5-10, 6-7 pm PST

6:01 LisaK [Programmer]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he'll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via Paypal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: It's great to see spring flowers starting to grow and it looks like we finally may be done with winter. This week I will be sending the publisher the revision of the book, "Your Husband's Midlife Crisis". Over the years I've received many requests to put it back in print, and I've finally completed a massive revision and update. We're hoping it will be available in July 2010. So, what would you all like to talk about today?

6:04 Swanlake: hello everyone

6:04 BlueSky: HI Lisa, hope you are well, and not shaking so much

6:04 bethel: Evening all, beautiful day in the west!

6:04 BlueSky: Hey bethel, Plum Swan faithfull Still and Jim

6:04 Plumcrazy: Jim----Hello Nice to see you here

6:04 Still: Hi everyone!

6:04 Cricket2: Hi all - Hope everyone had a nice Easter.

6:04 faithfull: Hello everyone.

6:04 Plumcrazy: Cricket---Hello

6:04 faithfull: All and Jim h text me to say Happy Easter. I have not heard from him months. I sent him some pictures. He thanks me for them. And now he is back to hiding.

6:06 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 faithfull: Sending the pictures were very appropriate.

6:04 Plumcrazy: Jim---We have had some flooding here. Everyone in the area is cleaning up

6:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 Plumcrazy: We're sorry the northeast has been hit so badly. The weather has been crazy all over the country. Hawaii is experiencing a draught, and so is the upper Midwest.

6:04 bethel: Dr Jim, I'm currently towards the end of d proceedings and it has not gone too good for h. Today he emailed me and asked "what are the chances of firing lawyers and mediating" Not sure how to respond. Any thoughts?

6:09 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 bethel: It's better to stay with your lawyers who will probably protect you better. The best course of action is just to ignore his emails for now.

6:05 Swanlake: Jim - that is wonderful, we often recommend it to members in chat and it seems to be getting harder and harder to find used copies for sale, with it back in print, so many will benefit.

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:05 Swanlake: Thanks for your encouragement and prayer; I started this revision process in 2004. So it has been a long time coming. I guess I struggled with rewriting Sally's book - lots of memories.

6:05 Cricket2: Jim - Yes most all our new members do ask about Your H's MLC - So glad to hear you updated it, I know it will be popular.'

6:06 BlueSky: Jim, congratulations on your big endeavor, look forward to it

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:05 Cricket2, BlueSky6:06: Thanks for your encouragement and prayer; I started this revision process in 2004. So it has been a long time coming. I guess I struggled with rewriting Sally's book - lots of memories.

6:06 Cricket2: MAS - How did last night go?

6:06 Still: Jim, that is wonderful that the book with be revised and back out. I refer to it all the time.

6:06 MAS: Hello everyone.

6:07 Plumcrazy: Cricket--Can you share with Jim some of what you did with me about things I said in the past to H and it made you cringe. I am still wondering why I did that, Maybe Jim would have some insight

6:07 Swanlake: bethel - many times the MLCer wants to get rid of lawyers and go with mediation because they believe they can manipulate the mediator into convincing you to give them whatever they want, not to mention it is much cheaper.

6:08 Cricket2: Faithfull - I’m sure the pix touched his heart. So good that he texted to thank you. He may pull away as he's filled with memories, but I’m sure God is working.

6:08 koko: all-does anyone have a Women in MLC

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:08 koko: You can find copies on Amazon at http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20

6:08 bethel: swan, I agree. I just do not want to say "no" outright. I guess I'm looking for words

6:09 Still: Jim, I shared with some of the others a huge praise this week. My h and I made plans for a family vacation this summer. He even had me put down the deposit to hold it. I was elated.

6:12 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:09 Still: We are very encouraged with your news. Think carefully about what issues have helped your husband change his course a little bit - then keep doing those things which are causing a positive response from him.

6:09 Swanlake: koko - there are members who have wives in MLC, none of them are here at the moment, but tonight you have the benefit of Dr. Conway who counsels both men and women, he can give you great insight, additionally he has books available for women in midlife similar to his Men in Midlife book.

6:09 ndakmom: Jim- last week my H texted me that he was thinking about moving home into the kid's playroom, he's been gone for 4 months, I made a HUGE mistake and pushed why he wanted to come back and where he felt we stood. He's still coming around but I feel I did some major damage, no more talk on him coming home, and I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to fix this. Any suggestions?

6:14 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:09 ndakmom: Keep working on your changes and keep looking for positive opportunities for connection with your husband - you have not blown your chances.

6:10 bethel: Dr. Jim, really? ignore the email? Thoughts about forwarding email to my lawyer?

6:14 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:10 bethel: generally it's not a good idea to forward email to your lawyer.

6:10 BlueSky: all, do you remember a few weeks back the person here who suggested SparkPeople? Plum, I think you may remember, was it Jo? I want to give credit to her

6:10 Cricket2: Plum - You might tell him that we talked about you & H going tit for tat and how he pushed your buttons or you'd find yourself defensive & lash out & not sure why.

6:10 MAS: Cricket: Well, I decided to take everyone's advice and went out to dinner. I think that had I NOT gone, it would probably have been a mark against me from my H's perspective. I don't think there were any benefits to my going other than that though.

6:11 Cricket2: koko - We actually have 4-5 male members who's W's are in mlc.

6:11 Swanlake: Bethel - you might start by asking him what he hopes will be accomplished by using mediators verses lawyers, you need to understand what is going on in his head before, then you will consider it and let him know.

6:12 Plumcrazy: Jim--I have seen H making big improvements lately. then the other night in bed I heard H talking to God. I was facing away from him &couldn’t make out what he was saying as I have hearing loss in that ear. I was so tempted to turn to hear but didn’t

6:16 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:12 Plumcrazy: We all are glad you've been seeing improvements lately. Again, it's important to think about what is causing the improvement and keep doing more of that.

6:12 Swanlake: Jim - Lots of memories, but I believe that she is watching over you, smiling from ear to ear seeing all that you do to help so many hurting people.

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:12 Swanlake: Thanks for your encouragement and thanks for all of your help. All of us are so very grateful for you and your contribution.

6:14 Plumcrazy: Hannah---Hello

6:14 Hannah2: Plum how did your h visit to the doctors go?

6:14 Cricket2: Jim - Plum asked me to share this: I noticed that she tends to become defensive quickly with her H, they've seen to go tit for tat -sometimes he pushes her buttons, but sometimes she snaps out before he does. She wondered if you know why she does this

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:14 Cricket2: When a person snaps quickly, they are frequently dealing with issues such as perfectionism, and stress or fatigue. Encourage her to build more calmness into her life, use more music, spend more time letting God quiet her spirit, and continue to work on her perfectionism.

6:14 MAS: Cricket: It was a fairly pleasant evening without any incidences occurring, either positive or negative.

6:14 Plumcrazy: Hannah----H didn’t go cause he didn’t get the blood work done, Don’t know if he got it rescheduled or not

6:15 Plumcrazy: Cricket---Yes you explained it right

6:16 koko: Jim- still looking forward to speaking w you soon, busy week, did celebrate Easter w family going to church together, then spent day by the ocean,76 degrees in northeast on Sunday

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 koko: I'm looking forward to chatting with you at your convenience.

6:16 Hannah2: Plum that is sad because he waited so long for that appointment

6:16 ndakmom: Jim- that's reassuring, I've really been beating myself up about my pushing. H did connect with me over the weekend by sharing his desire to purchase a motorcycle and I supported him and even helped him look into financing, I think he was surprised by my support, I'm hoping he'll see that I do support him, no matter what it is

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 ndakmom: He probably sees your support, but as a typical guy he won't respond.

6:16 Cricket2: MAS - That's good. I know we all felt this was a good thing for you both. Your H sees how nice things can be with you & to see he can have dinner with you without a lot of questions or drama. Hopefully it was nice for all. BlueSky & I thought of you

6:17 Plumcrazy: Hannah----things have improved with H over the past 3 weeks a lot

6:17 Hannah2: Plum that is sad because he waited so long for that appointment

6:18 Cricket2: Plum - I know Jim prefers if you ask the question so you might follow up on this & your thoughts.

6:19 Tamashii: All- Got a job. Part time and a contract, but it beats unemployment and I can sharpen my skills.

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:19 Tamashii: Congratulations! Yay for you and God!

6:19 koko: Tamashii- how long has your W been in mlc?

6:19 bethel: Dr Jim, OK Since d is nearly complete, is there anything I can do now. H was done nothing but complain that d is still not done

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:19 bethel: just keep working with your lawyer and delaying the process as long as possible. Remember - if it goes through, it doesn't mean it's the end.

6:20 Still: All, my h has been looking at sports cars for the last two years. His car has over 250,000 miles and he has been looking at an impractical sports car instead of a regular car. Last weekend he purchased a regular car....I am very grateful.

6:20 Cricket2: Plum - I think Jim's answer fits with what I was sharing. When you can avoid being pulled into the tit for tat & not let your H push your buttons and also avoid snapping at him when you're tired or hurting, I think there will be more good times

6:21 Cricket2: Tamashii - Can you introduce yourself to koko - He'd just asked if there are men who's W's are in mlc here.

6:22 Plumcrazy: Jim-----H got extremely nasty with me and I told him. I want to be treated like a PERSON and not a piece of TRASH. H hung his head and after that I started seeing small improvements in how he speaks to me and shows me respect

6:35 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:22 Plumcrazy: it's a difficult judgment call about when to speak up for yourself and when to let some stuff slide.

6:22 Hannah2: Plum that is good. But they have their ups and downs and we don't know when they will happen.

6:23 evaline: Jim, all of a sudden my H is now calling me. wished me Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, I know he & the OW are still together... I am scared I think he is just trying to suck me back into calling him and being friends but I had to detach from my H and I stopped verbal contact for my emotional stability because when I would talk to him the rejection made me feel so unhappy, Now all of a sudden he is calling me , wished Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, but I am scared he is trying to sucker me back into calling him and being his fried to make himself feel good that he has two women the OW and the wife pursuing him

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 evaline: Often the husband will do some testing to see if there's still a relationship with his wife before he will give up the other woman. Just take it slow and make sure your encouragement and stability are with God and not depending on what your husband does.

6:24 MAS: Cricket: Thank you, Cricket. I just wish I didn't feel so discouraged as I often do after spending time with him.

6:24 Plumcrazy: Tamashii---How long is the contract? Often if they like your work they will extend your contract or the company may directly hire you. I wish you the best of luck

6:24 Cricket2: Tamashii - GREAT NEWS - PTL

6:24 bethel: Dr Jim, during the remaining time should or should not help him with stuff? e.g. his taxes

6:37 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:24 bethel: helping with taxes etc is ok as long as he doesn't feel you are mothering him.

6:25 Cricket2: Jim - Thank you. I shared with her that sometimes she snaps before her H gives her reason, other times she lets him push her buttons. She really wants to zip her lips but it's been a struggle and I haven't been sure how to advise her. Thanks

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:25 Cricket2: let me know if what I mentioned earlier helps you as you work with Plum.

6:26 koko: all-has anyone read the book "When Love Dies" if so thoughts?

6:26 MarySarah: Hannah2 Hi darling, how was your Easter?

6:26 BlueSky: all is everyone else having a slow chat? I am wondering if it is my computer.

6:26 MarySarah: Hello, I am getting kicked off here

6:27 Cricket2: MAS - It's typical to feel down afterwards as it's such a reminder of the good times you two shared. BUT remember this; it's a big reminder for him too. ALSO if you can make these times all together fun and no pressure, it helps even more remind him

6:27 Tamashii: KOKO: Hello! Sorry that you have to be here, but you're among friends. I'm Tamashii, which, in Japanese means "spirit."

6:28 Plumcrazy: Jim---I know that wasn’t the best way to handle it and that is an example of my mouth getting me into trouble. But I have also changed what I do by not worrying or questioning about the online game he plays. I don’t react when he makes comments

6:28 Tamashii: Jim: He did it. I just went to the interview... :-)

6:28 Cricket2: Lisa/Jim - My computer locked up, white screen. I tried to refresh but finally had to force quit and then had trouble logging back in. Just FYI

6:30 sbky: hello

6:30 MAS: Is something wrong with the chat room tonight?

6:30 Cricket2: evaline - They truly aren't enjoying their cake & eating it too. They are struggling as part of them is so afraid to lose you, the other part is drawn to the OW. OW is like a drug. They also worry we can never forgive them so they can never come home

6:30 Tamashii: Koko: Hard to exactly say, but she dropped the bomb 4 years ago. I haven't seen her since. It was an elaborately planned deception.

6:30 Still: I guess it isn't just me with the computer issues.

6:31 MAS: I keep getting kicked off and I'm unable to scroll down.

6:31 Cricket2: MAS - If you have Bittersweet's cell phone number, you might want to call her. She's struggling while caring for her BIL who has stage 4 cancer

6:31 MarySarah: evaline, if he is coming towards you, then pray about each interaction with him. I am sure you have fears, pray against those. My H after 2 years can hardly ever even say hello when I answer the phone. He grunts a kid's name is all

6:31 ndakmom: All- I got stuck twice, then logged out and took a bit to get back in

6:31 bethel: Tamashii, excellent - congrats on the contract!

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: ALL - WE SEEM TO BE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. I GOT KICKED OUT, AND I SEE MANY OF YOU ARE TOO.

6:32 MarySarah: Wow, I guess we still have some bugs in the room tonight, lol Let's rebuke satan in agreement that our chat can start running smoothly

6:32 Hannah2: I'm not getting the message until a few minutes later sbky.

6:32 sbky: still I lost 19 pounds so far

6:33 Still: Hi sbky....how are you doing on your plan?

6:33 Cricket2: sbky - WOW that is wonderful I bet you're ahead of Jim at that rate but you both are doing great! I am so proud of you.

6:33 MAS: Cricket: I spoke to Bittersweet this morning. I know that she is not doing very well and I'm starting to get concerned about HER now. How was she able to get in touch with you? She said that she didn't have her computer with her.

6:33 Snickerdoodle: sbky: 19 pounds, that's awesome. way to go!

6:33 Still: sbky....I am sooooo proud of you!

6:33 sbky: Dr. Conway. I have seen a few nice small signs. but my d is in so much pain right now. she comes home from softball and says : I hate my dad.. "

6:34 Cricket2: MAS - She sent me a message on her cell phone. I was rushing to a meeting so sent her an email which I know she can get on her phone.

6:34 sbky: snickerdoodle thanks

6:34 Plumcrazy: Sbky---19 lbs that is WONDERFUL

6:34 ndakmom: Jim- if my H does decide to move back home, he will be sleeping in another room, so it will be more like roommates, do I treat him as a roommate or as a husband, like do I cook his meals, do his laundry, and all the stuff I did before he left

6:35 MarySarah: Jim, I am really discouraged. My H's ow isn't satisfied enough having my H now she cont harder to steal the affections of our children & my entire life, same social groups, even copies what groups I have on FB & asking my MIL on vacation alone with her in order to convince my H to go with her & even is using that fact about MIL going to convince our kids to go

6:35 BlueSky: Plum, I asked earlier but don't know if you saw it, do you remember who suggested SparkPeople for dieting? Was it Jo?

6:35 Cricket2: ndakmom - I would - I'd show your H how nice being home is. At first they need to see that we can forgive them and that our changes are real. Jim told me that rebuilding the friendship first is great. I bet as you do things for him, he will too.

6:36 MAS: Cricket: I'm glad she was able to get in touch with you, but I'm still very concerned about her. I'm afraid she's starting on that downward spiral again.

6:36 MarySarah: SBKY congrats on the 19lbs! You're beautiful person!

6:36 sbky: blue I am not sure who suggested it.. the sparks thing

6:36 Cricket2: BlueSky - Jo did recommend a different program I didn't know so it may have been her

6:37 sbky: Dr. Conway my d wrote her dad a note telling him how she feels. and she is getting a reaction out of him.. he is treating her like I usually get treated.. he is hateful and cranky with her. I told her at least it was a reaction

6:37 Swanlake: sbky - congrats, that is wonderful, your dedication has been fantastic.

6:37 sbky: Dr. Conway. she said he was nice to you yesterday and hateful with me

6:37 Cricket2: MAS - Yes I worried about that too with Bittersweet - I really wish she'd have brought her laptop. She could have set it up while there. Her H gave her a new one but she hadn't set it up yet.

6:38 MarySarah: Jim per 6:36 What about those situations when it seems our H's NEVER look back & are just completely set on our failure & destruction & can forget everything so easily. My H cont to have NO consequences & is having/ doing more than ever & with less

6:38 ndakmom: cricket- thanks, that makes sense

6:38 Still: ndakmom, I think you know that my h and I live as roommates. I do all his laundry and cook the meals. He has always been very courteous about letting me know if he is going to be late for dinner etc. I enjoy doing things for him...

6:39 MarySarah: Jim cont effort. How does any wife compete with that or motivate a H to come back. It's almost like my H gloats @ having dumped me & having what he wants without any real losses. How can I build any connection @ all?

6:40 MAS: Cricket: Bittersweet said that her H is making a brief trip home and that he might bring her laptop back with him. I really hope she gets access to the internet very soon.

6:41 MarySarah: SBKY 6:37 That is so sad, but my H treats anyone who he controls well on the surface @ least & anyone who is real & honest, (child inc) will get the shaft. My little one has to fight that too.

6:41 Plumcrazy: Bluesky--I think it was Jo

6:41 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: WE ARE HAVING TECH PROBS TONIGHT

6:41 Cricket2: MAS - I'm sure he'll bring it to her if she asks him about it.
WE APOLOGIZE IF JIM WAS UNABLE TO RESPOND TO YOUR QUESTIONS, HOWEVER, THE CHAT ROOM EXPERIENCED TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES AND ENDED AT THIS POINT.

6:23 evaline: Jim, all of a sudden my H is now calling me. wished me Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, I know he & the OW are still together... I am scared I think he is just trying to suck me back into calling him and being friends but I had to detach from my H and I stopped verbal contact for my emotional stability because when I would talk to him the rejection made me feel so unhappy, Now all of a sudden he is calling me , wished Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, but I am scared he is trying to sucker me back into calling him and being his fried to make himself feel good that he has two women the OW and the wife pursuing him.


6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 evaline: Often the husband will do some testing to see if there's still a relationship with his wife before he will give up the other woman. Just take it slow and make sure your encouragement and stability are with God and not depending on what your husband does.

Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.

CR#2, Mon. 4-5-10, 6-7 pm PST

6:01 LisaK [Programmer]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he'll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via Paypal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: It's great to see spring flowers starting to grow and it looks like we finally may be done with winter. This week I will be sending the publisher the revision of the book, "Your Husband's Midlife Crisis". Over the years I've received many requests to put it back in print, and I've finally completed a massive revision and update. We're hoping it will be available in July 2010. So, what would you all like to talk about today?

6:04 Swanlake: hello everyone

6:04 BlueSky: HI Lisa, hope you are well, and not shaking so much

6:04 bethel: Evening all, beautiful day in the west!

6:04 BlueSky: Hey bethel, Plum Swan faithfull Still and Jim

6:04 Plumcrazy: Jim----Hello Nice to see you here

6:04 Still: Hi everyone!

6:04 Cricket2: Hi all - Hope everyone had a nice Easter.

6:04 faithfull: Hello everyone.

6:04 Plumcrazy: Cricket---Hello

6:04 faithfull: All and Jim h text me to say Happy Easter. I have not heard from him months. I sent him some pictures. He thanks me for them. And now he is back to hiding.

6:06 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 faithfull: Sending the pictures were very appropriate.

6:04 Plumcrazy: Jim---We have had some flooding here. Everyone in the area is cleaning up

6:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 Plumcrazy: We're sorry the northeast has been hit so badly. The weather has been crazy all over the country. Hawaii is experiencing a draught, and so is the upper Midwest.

6:04 bethel: Dr Jim, I'm currently towards the end of d proceedings and it has not gone too good for h. Today he emailed me and asked "what are the chances of firing lawyers and mediating" Not sure how to respond. Any thoughts?

6:09 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 bethel: It's better to stay with your lawyers who will probably protect you better. The best course of action is just to ignore his emails for now.

6:05 Swanlake: Jim - that is wonderful, we often recommend it to members in chat and it seems to be getting harder and harder to find used copies for sale, with it back in print, so many will benefit.

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:05 Swanlake: Thanks for your encouragement and prayer; I started this revision process in 2004. So it has been a long time coming. I guess I struggled with rewriting Sally's book - lots of memories.

6:05 Cricket2: Jim - Yes most all our new members do ask about Your H's MLC - So glad to hear you updated it, I know it will be popular.'

6:06 BlueSky: Jim, congratulations on your big endeavor, look forward to it

6:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:05 Cricket2, BlueSky6:06: Thanks for your encouragement and prayer; I started this revision process in 2004. So it has been a long time coming. I guess I struggled with rewriting Sally's book - lots of memories.

6:06 Cricket2: MAS - How did last night go?

6:06 Still: Jim, that is wonderful that the book with be revised and back out. I refer to it all the time.

6:06 MAS: Hello everyone.

6:07 Plumcrazy: Cricket--Can you share with Jim some of what you did with me about things I said in the past to H and it made you cringe. I am still wondering why I did that, Maybe Jim would have some insight

6:07 Swanlake: bethel - many times the MLCer wants to get rid of lawyers and go with mediation because they believe they can manipulate the mediator into convincing you to give them whatever they want, not to mention it is much cheaper.

6:08 Cricket2: Faithfull - I’m sure the pix touched his heart. So good that he texted to thank you. He may pull away as he's filled with memories, but I’m sure God is working.

6:08 koko: all-does anyone have a Women in MLC

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:08 koko: You can find copies on Amazon at http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20

6:08 bethel: swan, I agree. I just do not want to say "no" outright. I guess I'm looking for words

6:09 Still: Jim, I shared with some of the others a huge praise this week. My h and I made plans for a family vacation this summer. He even had me put down the deposit to hold it. I was elated.

6:12 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:09 Still: We are very encouraged with your news. Think carefully about what issues have helped your husband change his course a little bit - then keep doing those things which are causing a positive response from him.

6:09 Swanlake: koko - there are members who have wives in MLC, none of them are here at the moment, but tonight you have the benefit of Dr. Conway who counsels both men and women, he can give you great insight, additionally he has books available for women in midlife similar to his Men in Midlife book.

6:09 ndakmom: Jim- last week my H texted me that he was thinking about moving home into the kid's playroom, he's been gone for 4 months, I made a HUGE mistake and pushed why he wanted to come back and where he felt we stood. He's still coming around but I feel I did some major damage, no more talk on him coming home, and I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to fix this. Any suggestions?

6:14 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:09 ndakmom: Keep working on your changes and keep looking for positive opportunities for connection with your husband - you have not blown your chances.

6:10 bethel: Dr. Jim, really? ignore the email? Thoughts about forwarding email to my lawyer?

6:14 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:10 bethel: generally it's not a good idea to forward email to your lawyer.

6:10 BlueSky: all, do you remember a few weeks back the person here who suggested SparkPeople? Plum, I think you may remember, was it Jo? I want to give credit to her

6:10 Cricket2: Plum - You might tell him that we talked about you & H going tit for tat and how he pushed your buttons or you'd find yourself defensive & lash out & not sure why.

6:10 MAS: Cricket: Well, I decided to take everyone's advice and went out to dinner. I think that had I NOT gone, it would probably have been a mark against me from my H's perspective. I don't think there were any benefits to my going other than that though.

6:11 Cricket2: koko - We actually have 4-5 male members who's W's are in mlc.

6:11 Swanlake: Bethel - you might start by asking him what he hopes will be accomplished by using mediators verses lawyers, you need to understand what is going on in his head before, then you will consider it and let him know.

6:12 Plumcrazy: Jim--I have seen H making big improvements lately. then the other night in bed I heard H talking to God. I was facing away from him &couldn’t make out what he was saying as I have hearing loss in that ear. I was so tempted to turn to hear but didn’t

6:16 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:12 Plumcrazy: We all are glad you've been seeing improvements lately. Again, it's important to think about what is causing the improvement and keep doing more of that.

6:12 Swanlake: Jim - Lots of memories, but I believe that she is watching over you, smiling from ear to ear seeing all that you do to help so many hurting people.

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:12 Swanlake: Thanks for your encouragement and thanks for all of your help. All of us are so very grateful for you and your contribution.

6:14 Plumcrazy: Hannah---Hello

6:14 Hannah2: Plum how did your h visit to the doctors go?

6:14 Cricket2: Jim - Plum asked me to share this: I noticed that she tends to become defensive quickly with her H, they've seen to go tit for tat -sometimes he pushes her buttons, but sometimes she snaps out before he does. She wondered if you know why she does this

6:23 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:14 Cricket2: When a person snaps quickly, they are frequently dealing with issues such as perfectionism, and stress or fatigue. Encourage her to build more calmness into her life, use more music, spend more time letting God quiet her spirit, and continue to work on her perfectionism.

6:14 MAS: Cricket: It was a fairly pleasant evening without any incidences occurring, either positive or negative.

6:14 Plumcrazy: Hannah----H didn’t go cause he didn’t get the blood work done, Don’t know if he got it rescheduled or not

6:15 Plumcrazy: Cricket---Yes you explained it right

6:16 koko: Jim- still looking forward to speaking w you soon, busy week, did celebrate Easter w family going to church together, then spent day by the ocean,76 degrees in northeast on Sunday

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 koko: I'm looking forward to chatting with you at your convenience.

6:16 Hannah2: Plum that is sad because he waited so long for that appointment

6:16 ndakmom: Jim- that's reassuring, I've really been beating myself up about my pushing. H did connect with me over the weekend by sharing his desire to purchase a motorcycle and I supported him and even helped him look into financing, I think he was surprised by my support, I'm hoping he'll see that I do support him, no matter what it is

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:16 ndakmom: He probably sees your support, but as a typical guy he won't respond.

6:16 Cricket2: MAS - That's good. I know we all felt this was a good thing for you both. Your H sees how nice things can be with you & to see he can have dinner with you without a lot of questions or drama. Hopefully it was nice for all. BlueSky & I thought of you

6:17 Plumcrazy: Hannah----things have improved with H over the past 3 weeks a lot

6:17 Hannah2: Plum that is sad because he waited so long for that appointment

6:18 Cricket2: Plum - I know Jim prefers if you ask the question so you might follow up on this & your thoughts.

6:19 Tamashii: All- Got a job. Part time and a contract, but it beats unemployment and I can sharpen my skills.

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:19 Tamashii: Congratulations! Yay for you and God!

6:19 koko: Tamashii- how long has your W been in mlc?

6:19 bethel: Dr Jim, OK Since d is nearly complete, is there anything I can do now. H was done nothing but complain that d is still not done

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:19 bethel: just keep working with your lawyer and delaying the process as long as possible. Remember - if it goes through, it doesn't mean it's the end.

6:20 Still: All, my h has been looking at sports cars for the last two years. His car has over 250,000 miles and he has been looking at an impractical sports car instead of a regular car. Last weekend he purchased a regular car....I am very grateful.

6:20 Cricket2: Plum - I think Jim's answer fits with what I was sharing. When you can avoid being pulled into the tit for tat & not let your H push your buttons and also avoid snapping at him when you're tired or hurting, I think there will be more good times

6:21 Cricket2: Tamashii - Can you introduce yourself to koko - He'd just asked if there are men who's W's are in mlc here.

6:22 Plumcrazy: Jim-----H got extremely nasty with me and I told him. I want to be treated like a PERSON and not a piece of TRASH. H hung his head and after that I started seeing small improvements in how he speaks to me and shows me respect

6:35 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:22 Plumcrazy: it's a difficult judgment call about when to speak up for yourself and when to let some stuff slide.

6:22 Hannah2: Plum that is good. But they have their ups and downs and we don't know when they will happen.

6:23 evaline: Jim, all of a sudden my H is now calling me. wished me Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, I know he & the OW are still together... I am scared I think he is just trying to suck me back into calling him and being friends but I had to detach from my H and I stopped verbal contact for my emotional stability because when I would talk to him the rejection made me feel so unhappy, Now all of a sudden he is calling me , wished Happy Easter, sometimes to talk, but I am scared he is trying to sucker me back into calling him and being his fried to make himself feel good that he has two women the OW and the wife pursuing him

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:23 evaline: Often the husband will do some testing to see if there's still a relationship with his wife before he will give up the other woman. Just take it slow and make sure your encouragement and stability are with God and not depending on what your husband does.

6:24 MAS: Cricket: Thank you, Cricket. I just wish I didn't feel so discouraged as I often do after spending time with him.

6:24 Plumcrazy: Tamashii---How long is the contract? Often if they like your work they will extend your contract or the company may directly hire you. I wish you the best of luck

6:24 Cricket2: Tamashii - GREAT NEWS - PTL

6:24 bethel: Dr Jim, during the remaining time should or should not help him with stuff? e.g. his taxes

6:37 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:24 bethel: helping with taxes etc is ok as long as he doesn't feel you are mothering him.

6:25 Cricket2: Jim - Thank you. I shared with her that sometimes she snaps before her H gives her reason, other times she lets him push her buttons. She really wants to zip her lips but it's been a struggle and I haven't been sure how to advise her. Thanks

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:25 Cricket2: let me know if what I mentioned earlier helps you as you work with Plum.

6:26 koko: all-has anyone read the book "When Love Dies" if so thoughts?

6:26 MarySarah: Hannah2 Hi darling, how was your Easter?

6:26 BlueSky: all is everyone else having a slow chat? I am wondering if it is my computer.

6:26 MarySarah: Hello, I am getting kicked off here

6:27 Cricket2: MAS - It's typical to feel down afterwards as it's such a reminder of the good times you two shared. BUT remember this; it's a big reminder for him too. ALSO if you can make these times all together fun and no pressure, it helps even more remind him

6:27 Tamashii: KOKO: Hello! Sorry that you have to be here, but you're among friends. I'm Tamashii, which, in Japanese means "spirit."

6:28 Plumcrazy: Jim---I know that wasn’t the best way to handle it and that is an example of my mouth getting me into trouble. But I have also changed what I do by not worrying or questioning about the online game he plays. I don’t react when he makes comments

6:28 Tamashii: Jim: He did it. I just went to the interview... :-)

6:28 Cricket2: Lisa/Jim - My computer locked up, white screen. I tried to refresh but finally had to force quit and then had trouble logging back in. Just FYI

6:30 sbky: hello

6:30 MAS: Is something wrong with the chat room tonight?

6:30 Cricket2: evaline - They truly aren't enjoying their cake & eating it too. They are struggling as part of them is so afraid to lose you, the other part is drawn to the OW. OW is like a drug. They also worry we can never forgive them so they can never come home

6:30 Tamashii: Koko: Hard to exactly say, but she dropped the bomb 4 years ago. I haven't seen her since. It was an elaborately planned deception.

6:30 Still: I guess it isn't just me with the computer issues.

6:31 MAS: I keep getting kicked off and I'm unable to scroll down.

6:31 Cricket2: MAS - If you have Bittersweet's cell phone number, you might want to call her. She's struggling while caring for her BIL who has stage 4 cancer

6:31 MarySarah: evaline, if he is coming towards you, then pray about each interaction with him. I am sure you have fears, pray against those. My H after 2 years can hardly ever even say hello when I answer the phone. He grunts a kid's name is all

6:31 ndakmom: All- I got stuck twice, then logged out and took a bit to get back in

6:31 bethel: Tamashii, excellent - congrats on the contract!

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: ALL - WE SEEM TO BE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. I GOT KICKED OUT, AND I SEE MANY OF YOU ARE TOO.

6:32 MarySarah: Wow, I guess we still have some bugs in the room tonight, lol Let's rebuke satan in agreement that our chat can start running smoothly

6:32 Hannah2: I'm not getting the message until a few minutes later sbky.

6:32 sbky: still I lost 19 pounds so far

6:33 Still: Hi sbky....how are you doing on your plan?

6:33 Cricket2: sbky - WOW that is wonderful I bet you're ahead of Jim at that rate but you both are doing great! I am so proud of you.

6:33 MAS: Cricket: I spoke to Bittersweet this morning. I know that she is not doing very well and I'm starting to get concerned about HER now. How was she able to get in touch with you? She said that she didn't have her computer with her.

6:33 Snickerdoodle: sbky: 19 pounds, that's awesome. way to go!

6:33 Still: sbky....I am sooooo proud of you!

6:33 sbky: Dr. Conway. I have seen a few nice small signs. but my d is in so much pain right now. she comes home from softball and says : I hate my dad.. "

6:34 Cricket2: MAS - She sent me a message on her cell phone. I was rushing to a meeting so sent her an email which I know she can get on her phone.

6:34 sbky: snickerdoodle thanks

6:34 Plumcrazy: Sbky---19 lbs that is WONDERFUL

6:34 ndakmom: Jim- if my H does decide to move back home, he will be sleeping in another room, so it will be more like roommates, do I treat him as a roommate or as a husband, like do I cook his meals, do his laundry, and all the stuff I did before he left

6:35 MarySarah: Jim, I am really discouraged. My H's ow isn't satisfied enough having my H now she cont harder to steal the affections of our children & my entire life, same social groups, even copies what groups I have on FB & asking my MIL on vacation alone with her in order to convince my H to go with her & even is using that fact about MIL going to convince our kids to go

6:35 BlueSky: Plum, I asked earlier but don't know if you saw it, do you remember who suggested SparkPeople for dieting? Was it Jo?

6:35 Cricket2: ndakmom - I would - I'd show your H how nice being home is. At first they need to see that we can forgive them and that our changes are real. Jim told me that rebuilding the friendship first is great. I bet as you do things for him, he will too.

6:36 MAS: Cricket: I'm glad she was able to get in touch with you, but I'm still very concerned about her. I'm afraid she's starting on that downward spiral again.

6:36 MarySarah: SBKY congrats on the 19lbs! You're beautiful person!

6:36 sbky: blue I am not sure who suggested it.. the sparks thing

6:36 Cricket2: BlueSky - Jo did recommend a different program I didn't know so it may have been her

6:37 sbky: Dr. Conway my d wrote her dad a note telling him how she feels. and she is getting a reaction out of him.. he is treating her like I usually get treated.. he is hateful and cranky with her. I told her at least it was a reaction

6:37 Swanlake: sbky - congrats, that is wonderful, your dedication has been fantastic.

6:37 sbky: Dr. Conway. she said he was nice to you yesterday and hateful with me

6:37 Cricket2: MAS - Yes I worried about that too with Bittersweet - I really wish she'd have brought her laptop. She could have set it up while there. Her H gave her a new one but she hadn't set it up yet.

6:38 MarySarah: Jim per 6:36 What about those situations when it seems our H's NEVER look back & are just completely set on our failure & destruction & can forget everything so easily. My H cont to have NO consequences & is having/ doing more than ever & with less

6:38 ndakmom: cricket- thanks, that makes sense

6:38 Still: ndakmom, I think you know that my h and I live as roommates. I do all his laundry and cook the meals. He has always been very courteous about letting me know if he is going to be late for dinner etc. I enjoy doing things for him...

6:39 MarySarah: Jim cont effort. How does any wife compete with that or motivate a H to come back. It's almost like my H gloats @ having dumped me & having what he wants without any real losses. How can I build any connection @ all?

6:40 MAS: Cricket: Bittersweet said that her H is making a brief trip home and that he might bring her laptop back with him. I really hope she gets access to the internet very soon.

6:41 MarySarah: SBKY 6:37 That is so sad, but my H treats anyone who he controls well on the surface @ least & anyone who is real & honest, (child inc) will get the shaft. My little one has to fight that too.

6:41 Plumcrazy: Bluesky--I think it was Jo

6:41 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: WE ARE HAVING TECH PROBS TONIGHT

6:41 Cricket2: MAS - I'm sure he'll bring it to her if she asks him about it.
WE APOLOGIZE IF JIM WAS UNABLE TO RESPOND TO YOUR QUESTIONS, HOWEVER, THE CHAT ROOM EXPERIENCED TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES AND ENDED AT THIS POINT.