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March 15, 2010 / with Jim Conway

6:04 graceful: Dr Conway. On Saturday my H came over to the house saying that he has forgiven me and wants us to work on reconciliation. Then today he says that he would love to be reconciled but he is not sure and that he loves his single life right now.

6:09 Dr. Jim Conway
[Administrator]: 6:04 graceful: We all are very excited that your husband wants to work on reconciliation. Remember that it is important to do the right stuff or else your marriage will just repeat the problems that you have just gone through. For example: if you broke your leg, it wouldn't be enough to put band-aids on the outside scratches on your skin - it would be necessary to set the bones and put a cast on your leg to keep the bones straight. The same is true with marriage reconciliation. Both of you saying you want to be reconciled is a good start, but it's not enough. You need to be involved in counseling so that you can discover why the marriage came apart -and fix those problems. Otherwise, you will repeat the same mistakes again. So - you need to take the time to heal just like your bones in a cast must heal.

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CR#2 - March 15, 6-7 pm PST


6:00 LisaK [Programmer]: Hi Chat Room Guests. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I enjoy serving the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through the tough times of midlife crisis. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to make a tax-deductible donation to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you. Jim will be online with us momentarily, he will read your questions and dictate his replies to me so I can type them for you to read. Jim has time for all questions that are posted before the end of the hour. Thanks for understanding.

6:05 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Hi All, Jan and I are very grateful for all of your prayer support for her dad during his recent heart attack episode. We almost lost him. But God has given him some more time to hang out with us. He is now 91 years old and he continues to use his computer for email, he jokes around with everyone, and is known as the best poker player in his condo complex - last Wednesday he won 68 cents!!! So, thanks again for praying. Jan and I are back here in Hawaii now, working on book projects and Jan is getting ready to teach and facilitate a writers class at the University of the Nations in Kona, Hawaii. We would be very grateful for your prayer support as we continue on these projects.

6:03 Swanlake: Hello all, how are you tonight?

6:03 evaline: Hello, All

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - I'm so glad you are here - Please ask Jim the questions you asked me tonight.

6:04 Plumcrazy: Hello ALL

6:04 ndakmom: Hi everyone!

6:04 graceful: Dr Conway. On Saturday my H came over to the house saying that he has forgiven me and wants us to work on reconciliation. Then today he says that he would love to be reconciled but he is not sure and that he loves his single life right now.

6:09 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 graceful: We all are very excited that your husband wants to work on reconciliation. Remember that it is important to do the right stuff or else your marriage will just repeat the problems that you have just gone through. For example: if you broke your leg, it wouldn't be enough to put band-aids on the outside scratches on your skin - it would be necessary to set the bones and put a cast on your leg to keep the bones straight. The same is true with marriage reconciliation. Both of you saying you want to be reconciled is a good start, but it's not enough. You need to be involved in counseling so that you can discover why the marriage came apart -and fix those problems. Otherwise, you will repeat the same mistakes again. So - you need to take the time to heal just like your bones in a cast must heal.

6:04 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - I'd simply let Jim know that your H contacted you about reconciliation & noted your growth & changes and then his various demands.

6:04 Tamashii: Hey Jim: I like that shirt you have on!

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 Tamashii: Thanks for the compliment. I'm working at losing weight so that my shirts fit better. I'm glad that the 11 pounds I lost before I went to Florida are still gone - I guess I hit a plateau.

6:04 Plumcrazy: JIM----How is Jan's DAD doing?

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:04 Plumcrazy: Hi there. See my answer at 6:05

6:05 Plumcrazy: Tamashii----YAY you are here!!! You should come here more often!!

6:06 graceful: Dr Conway. He says that he see my changes but he does not how they benefit him. He demands that I email him class completion documentation, medical records and that I give him proof that I am doing what I say I am doing

6:13 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:06 graceful: This process of verifying changes is best managed by your counselor so that both of you are working in a safe environment as you watch each other grow and change.

6:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: Jim - PTL - We are so thankful for God work with Jan's Dad and we will definitely keep praying with you and Jan

6:14 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:06 Cricket: Thanks Cricket for praying, I'm grateful we can depend on people like you.

6:06 ndakmom: All and Jim- My H seems to showing some positives the past couple days. He came by on Sunday and was pleasant, chit chatting with me, actually making conversation while I was in the middle of things, he really was showing interest in having my attention. I made a mistake when he left yesterday on bringing up the job(he recently accepted a job offer that would take him away 3 weeks at a time), I mentioned that if he wanted to stay with his current job we could make the finance work. He seemed to get irritated, I think he was seeing me as questioning his choice. However, today he texted me saying he was staying with current job which would keep him here and he proceeded to stop over and see me. my question is, any tips on not back peddling, how to keep things moving in a positive direction?

6:15 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:06 ndakmom: Keep affirming him so that he sees you as a positive, building person. He probably also sees you as a controller - you might want to work on that.

6:06 Plumcrazy: All---I am sore tonight I fell getting into the shower tonight

6:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS, Evaline - all glad you're all here tonight.

6:07 BlueSky: 68 cents, hahaha, that is cute.

6:07 Plumcrazy: All---I meant I fell this morning

6:07 graceful: Dr. Conway: I am not sure how to approach this reconciliation without causing anymore conflict and turmoil as well as seek to be his friend and later become his wife. Jim how should I approach my new situation

6:07 MAS: Cricket: Thank you. Glad you're here as well.

6:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - Jim will mark the various questions and then try to answer them in order. Just so you know.

6:08 Plumcrazy: MAS----Hello

6:08 Tamashii: Plum: If I can remember, I will. Cricket's going to help...:-)

6:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Are you doing any better today?

6:09 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum/All - Since Tamashii moved back to my side of the coast, he's been forgetting chat times - I said that we'd help remind him...RIGHT?

6:09 MAS: Plumcrazy: Hi. I'm so sorry about your fall. That has also happened to me in the past. Are you okay?

6:09 Tamashii: Jim: I'll introduce him to my sister. She's a mean online pinochle player!

6:10 Plumcrazy: Cricket---RIGHT

6:11 Plumcrazy: Mas Just bruised and sore. I think I pulled a muscle in my shoulder by my neck. Sitting here with heating pad cause of a knot there in the muscle

6:11 Still: I hope you are all right, Plum.

6:12 graceful: Dr. Conway...we have been attending counseling and my H says that it has benefitted me more than him. I asked him to give me 100% commitment to reconciliation and he has refused to do that.

6:12 MAS: Cricket@6:08: Yes, just can't seem to get the OW out of my mind.

6:12 steadfast: Jim: Start legal meetings again with h after 1.5 years since last one. Almost 3 yrs since h left me. I was wearing wedding band and the first words out of his mouth were "I'm never coming back." The last meeting h announced divorcing me. He is so angry. Lawyers make us do the talking to try to reach agreements. H has been reasonable in some ways. I didn't wear wedding band to 2nd meeting. He thinks I don't get it. It's hard to be light and flirty in the middle of settling our business.

6:13 graceful: Dr Conway: He says that he will give me 100% opportunity to reconcile the relationship but I have to go first. I am so confused because his actions and his speech do not line up

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:13 GRACEFUL assure him that he wants to reconcile. Let's just take it 1 step at a time, by starting with a counselor with whom you both feel comfortable.

6:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - I'm sorry about your injury.... Ice for 20 minutes, the off for 20 min and back on 20 min

6:13 sbky: hello everyone

6:13 Plumcrazy: Jim Sat. night I went to sleep and woke up. Had a bad dream concerning H. I went downstairs to see where he was. He was playing online game. I was very upset about the dream and I asked H "why did you start being so hateful to me when MLC hit?" H said " I haven’t been hateful" I said "you have said many very nasty things to me" H was like "Please give me the courage to take my life now." I Said "Don’t say that and put my hand on his shoulder. H said "Hands off, don’t touch"

6:19 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:13 Plumcrazy: Evidentially your husband was feeling a lot of anger before his midlife crisis exploded. It's best for you to not physically touch him for awhile.

6:14 Still: Dr. Conway, In your experience, does it take longer for the spouse in MLC to reconnect when they have never left the home?

6:20 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:14 Still: The time for reconnection is not related so much to whether the mate has stayed or left, rather it is related to whether the couple is intentionally trying to understand and meet each other's needs.

6:14 MAS: Plumcrazy: Oh dear. How is your H reacting? Is he being at all sympathetic?

6:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - REPEAT AFTER ME - The OW DOES NOT EXIST. OW are simply a symptom of mlc. When we work on our changes & growth, they are drawn back to us. They're looking for happiness & chasing their fantasies as they hit mlc. Work on your health, healing, put your weight back on. Show him you can be his fun playmate

6:15 sbky: all why do the mlcer not see what they are doing to their children. my d is upset again tonight..

6:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lisa - I'm happy to help.

6:16 Swanlake: Hey Suzie, how ya been? Got back home this afternoon, had fun but glad to be home.

6:16 graceful: Dr. Conway: I will discuss the matter with my counselor and have her make a recommendation as to what needs to be done. In the mean time how do I handle the inconsistencies in my H speech and words

6:17 Plumcrazy: Jim---I was so upset by the dream Sat, that I didn’t tell him that I had just woke up from a dream. SO last night I told him I had woken up from a dream and I was sorry for how I came down and "Jumped" on him

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:17 Plumcrazy: I'm glad you were able to apologize.

6:17 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: Swan: How nice to see you! How was the trip? How are your kids?

6:17 steadfast: Jim: All this very discouraging. H wants to buy me out of support payments and division of assets. He got inheritance but lawyer says he couldn't possibly have enough money. Anyways h moving away in June. Any comments on how to behave in these matters

6:22 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:17 steadfast: Your lawyer needs to walk you through this process carefully.

6:17 ndakmom: Jim- I've been working on not always trying to control things as I know that was a big issue in our marriage

6:17 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: sbky: thanks!! I resemble that remark!

6:18 ndakmom: Jim- I've been working on not always trying to control things as I know that was a big issue in our marriage

6:24 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:18 ndakmom: I'm glad you're working on the control issue.

6:18 Plumcrazy: Jim--H said I don’t know what is wrong with you maybe you feel neglected. I said I am upset because you spend time online playing games with these people smiling etc and you can’t even talk to me

6:25 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:18 Plumcrazy: I think you need to give him space about these video games. He is not ready to spend the time talking to you.

6:18 ndakmom: Jim- I also texted to H that the boys would be happy about him staying around, that we would have missed him. I also told him I respected his decision in considering the other job, that I knew it wasn't easy for him to make the decision

6:26 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:18 ndakmom: Your direction is on target.

6:18 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: Swan: I have a dream praise....

6:19 Swanlake: Suzie - I didn't talk to my kids this weekend since I was away from home, guessing they are fine. Or do you mean my furry kids? They are fine, missed me and glad I am home. Had a great time with SIL, she really needed to have someone to listen, so

6:19 Tamashii: SOOOZIE!!!!

6:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum -Is it possible to get your H to go to counseling with you. If you approach it that you want to work on changes & being a better wife - Not his problem

6:19 Swanlake: Suzie - continued - that is what I did most of the time.

6:20 Swanlake: Suzie - share

6:20 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: Swan: The other night I had a dream that I did my husband's laundry.....didn't have iron!

6:20 graceful: Dr. Conway: I am at a loss of words on how to assure him that he wants to reconcile and not pursue the D. I want to pursue and win my H back but he is growing impatient due to the financial implications of his decision. Yesterday my H asked me on the phone what I would be his gain living with me if he is already cooking, cleaning and taking care of himself. What would draw him to want me as a wife back? I did not have an answer...

6:27 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:20 graceful: Obviously your husband is confused, and don't be disturbed by his vacillation.

6:20 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: didn't have to iron

6:20 Plumcrazy: Cricket---H doesn’t even like me to USE the word wife. Says I am "THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN"

6:22 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - If he would go with you, that would be good.

6:22 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: Tamashii: Hi there! Heard your doing the G'dad thing? How many g'kids?

6:22 Tamashii: Suzie: 2 boys here.

6:23 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: How many somewhere else?

6:24 Still: Dr. Conway at 6:20...I guess that is the real issue. He is civil, respectful, but no more wanting to be connected to than he was 2 years ago. I try everyday to be kind, considerate, helpful....he has told me several times "he doesn't want to try".

6:28 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:24 Still: His remarks are clear indications of depression.

6:24 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: Tamashii: we have 1 g'son...he just got his yellow belt....hi yah!

6:24 graceful: Cricket: I have been looking for a book that would help me as I try to reconnect and reconcile with my H. do you have any recommendations?

6:24 Tamashii: Graceful: Does want a wife or a mommy or a house keeper? I've been doing my own cooking ,cleaning and laundry since I was 12.

6:24 Plumcrazy: Jim-----I asked H what is about meat bothers him so much. H said "I don’t know, it must be a chemical odor you give off" I said that is a bunch of bull. It just means that you can’t come up with a reason so you say something stupid like that A couple of weeks ago H initiated intimacy 3 nights in a row. Then he got very distant Do you think he got scared and retreated?

6:31 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:24 Plumcrazy: It's best not to press your husband for answers about what bothers him. He may not really know enough to verbalize. His reaction of retreating after intimacy is very common. He wants to be with you, but he also doesn't like some of the situations in your marriage.

6:25 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: Graceful: Forgive and forget is a good reference.

6:25 Tamashii: Suzie: Speaking of belts, I am back training 3 days a week and have lost 12 lbs. I'll have to leave in a minute for class. Sorry...

6:26 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: Swan: do you know the author of Forgive and Forget....I can't remember right off hand.

6:26 Plumcrazy: Tamashii-----WAY to go!!!!!

6:26 graceful: Tamashii: If I knew the answer to that question I would. I think he wants a mommy and is not ready for a wife. My H has issues with leaving and cleaving

6:27 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: Tamashii: good for you! Take care...pray harder!!!!

6:27 Tamashii: Grace: My W may have many gripes about me, but those aren't among them.

6:27 Swanlake: Suzie - Lewis Smedes

6:27 graceful: Suzie: I will check out the reference. My H suggests that I need to stop reading all this books because they are not helping. I think otherwise because we are in a better place now than we were in January

6:27 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: Thank you!

6:28 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - I don't know a book - on reconciliation - did the emails I sent help?

6:29 graceful: Dr. Conway...I have decided to just continue focusing on my relationship with God and let God sort out my H and his feelings. He tells me that he is heartbroken and feels rejected and when I tried to show him love and respect he was not interested

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:29 graceful: You're on target with building your own spiritual life, because as you grow more like Jesus, you will automatically be meeting some of your husband's needs.

6:29 ndakmom: Jim- thanks for the encouragement

6:29 Suzie215 [Facilitator]: Graceful: Lewis Smedes is the author. I've found it to be good. Another book....The Bible....can't recall that author there either....pretty reliable....I've found!

6:29 steadfast: Jim: When h said during the legal meeting that he was divorcing me, I calmly said that is your choice. Was that an appropriate answer so that he doesn't feel that I'm holding on/ clinging to him or how could I have responded?

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:29 steadfast: Your answer was very appropriate.

6:30 Cricket [Facilitator]: Jim - Graceful asked if I could recommend a book that would help her in reconciliation. Can you recommend any?

6:35 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:30 Cricket: There are lots of books which will give mate understanding about the needs of the other person. What books have been helpful to you, and also I would suggest "His Needs Her Needs" and "Men Are Life Waffle, Women Are Like Spaghetti".

6:30 Still: Dr. Conway @ 6:28. Yes, my IC has said many times if I could just get him to try SSRI's, it would likely change his life. My H won't even consider it. He is a health educator and very against psychotropic medications.

6:34 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:30 Still: I would encourage you to explore some of the natural homeopathic ways to deal with depression.

6:30 graceful: Cricket: the emails helped. I guess I am looking for more of a step by step guide and the best bet would be to delve more into the scriptures and each time ask myself what would Jesus do

6:31 Cricket [Facilitator]: Suzie/Tamashii - Sadly Graceful & I are both worried that her H is in mlc - He's really had difficulty with boundaries - calls, texts at all hours. Now demands on her to get medical checks & provide proof of education, etc

6:31 Swanlake: Suzie - maybe you can't remember the author of The Bible because there are 40 of them - LOL!!! You are too funny girl

6:32 Plumcrazy: Swan---Where did you go on your trip?

6:32 Swanlake: Plumcrazy - up to St. Louis to visit with my husband's oldest sister for the weekend

6:33 Still: Cricket, I don't think you were in chat when I mentioned my h wants us to take a family vacation this summer. He is looking into cruises. I love that he is planning at least a few months ahead.

6:33 Plumcrazy: Swan---That is nice. People were worried about you. Not all of us knew you were going on a trip

6:34 Cricket [Facilitator]: JIM - I am concerned that Graceful's H doesn't respect boundaries, texts, calls, etc during chat or if she is doing something -now various demands of proof of her changes.

6:35 Swanlake: Plumcrazy - I had mentioned it to a few people, guess they hadn't been in to let anyone know. I took my computer with me, but for some reason couldn't get a connection. Thanks for your concern, nice to know I was missed

6:35 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - That is wonderful - I did see something about your H planning a vacation but didn't know it was a cruise and yes - very good that he's planning in advance. You are really doing well - so proud of you.

6:35 Still: Dr. Conway, other than St. John's Wort (which he won't try) are there other things that can assist ?

6:40 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:35 Still: I suggest you go online and search for homeopathic aid for depression. Sometimes depression can be helped by also changing the diet to reduce and eliminate sugar, diet drinks, and eating more raw vegetables, and a low red meat diet.

6:35 graceful: Cricket 6:31 I am having a hard time yielding to his demands because this is not far from what he has done in the past. When I have yielded I have been accused of falsifying documents that I do not want to give him any more information. Is this wrong?

6:35 sbky: well I am going to get up and get my food ready for tomorrow.. not sure if I lost any weight this week I will find out tomorrow.. night all

6:36 steadfast: Jim: Thanks for your answers and insight tonight.

6:36 sbky: Jim I don’t know if you know I have started weight watchers and lost 8.6 pounds in two weeks..

6:44 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:36 sbky: Yeaaaa for you for starting a regular program for weight loss. It's hard work and in the evening I have trouble disciplining myself not to snack. So let's keep working on it and together we'll make headway - I'm shooting for a 30 pound loss - I still have 19 more pounds to go.

6:36 Still: Cricket, Thanks! I have other concerns about another issue, but I am giving it to God. :-)

6:36 Plumcrazy: JIM-----H didn’t end up going to Dr. He had to work from 4-6am before his appt. I asked him if he was going to his Dr. appt and he said NO, that he hadn’t gotten the blood work done so he couldn’t go to Dr

6:36 steadfast: All: sorry that I can't stay longer. God bless, praying for everyone and trust that you will have a good week in the Lord.

6:37 graceful: Dr Conway: My H saw the book men are like waffles and women like spaghetti and he said that I should stop wasting time reading all this books that have not helped reconcile us so far. I will look for the his needs her needs. At times I feel like my H is using verbal threats and fear to discourage me and force me to do the things he desires and when I refuse or tell him that I am believing God for the solution he tells me that I am to righteous for him... How do I not allow my H negative words and attitude affect my faith and trust in God to heal, restore and reconcile us. I know stick and stones but for some reason his words hurt more than anything else. I tried not talking and he got mad.

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:37 graceful: All of his comments are indicators of his depression, and confusion. Try to let God be your stability and do not let yourself be yo-yoed by your husband's reactions - think of them as temporary reactions.

6:37 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lisa - Thanks

6:38 graceful: Good night Steadfast....I will be praying for you

6:38 Tamashii: All: I must depart for my class. I'm glad I could spend time here, and will be back Wednesday. Cricket, I emailed Geebo about some face time. May God bless you all, and may you all see a skinnier me at next retreat!

6:38 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - I've read both books - they're good.

6:39 Swanlake: Plumcrazy - I am fortunate that my husband's siblings are all supportive of me, so I go up and visit with her a few times a year and she comes down here during the summer for her vacation week.

6:44 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - Jim does tell us that it's okay to set boundaries when they want to come home and I agree with him that if he'll go to counseling with you, it would really help. You can frame it that it's to help you grow.

6:44 Still: All, I just love inspirational music. I listen daily to John Waller "Waiting" (from Fireproof). I also love Brian Littrell "In Christ Alone". Do any of you have particular songs that speak to you that you would like to share?

6:45 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - It sounds like these are reasons to take things slowly with your Husband.

6:45 Swanlake: Still - increasing your intake of fish is great for depression, there are also some fruits and vegetables, but I can't think of which one's right off hand. I agree with Jim's recommendation to look it up, homeopathic aid can really help, my medical

6:46 graceful: Cricket: My H just recently decided to stop coming to counseling and I do not want to force him into anything at all.

6:47 Swanlake: Still - continued - referred me to a homeopathic specialist and between juicing and increasing herbs and veggie/fruit combinations so many of medical issues I had have been relieved, I love it for the menopause stuff too.

6:48 Still: Thanks Swan/Jim. My H eats very healthy, except that he consumes large quantities of Mountain Dew. Of course, he sees no evidence of depression, just a troubled marriage. :-(

This is Lisa, MLD office manager. If you feel you didn’t get enough time with Jim in the room today, or have a private question you don’t wish to discuss here, please consider scheduling a 1-on-1 phone counseling session with Jim. Call/email us at 714-768-1777 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to set up a session. I’ll go over the suggested donation and provide you with ways to make the most of your time during the private call. I’ll need a list of dates/times that work for you to compare to Jim’s schedule and let you know the best one. When it’s time for the session, Jim calls you on the phone number of your choice. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to donate to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you.

6:48 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - I'd still continue to go for yourself. If you keep going, you could ask him to come at one point so the counselor has input too.... (like so counselor can help YOU... not to fix him of course)

6:50 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - We can put out an email asking others to share their favorites. Great idea.

6:50 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - I copied what you wrote so far about music to send an email to others.

6:51 Still: Cricket, that's a great idea to send out an email. Music speaks to my heart so much.

6:51 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - Has your H always been this controlling & not trusting you?

6:51 BlueSky: Snicker, how are you? I was thinking about you just today. Any changes since your final decree?

6:51 Plumcrazy: JIM----Could you look at the question I asked at 6:24 and give me your opinion on it. I just read back to see if you gave an answer but I can’t find one

6:54 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:51 Plumcrazy: See my reply at 6:31. And also...remember that most men are not able to talk much about their feelings, so I think your husband was just joking around.

6:52 graceful: Dr Conway. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Cricket: I will continue to attend counseling by myself but I want to set boundaries on what my H demands and what I act on. I just want to do the will of God

6:53 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - TO ME it sounds like it's appropriate to set some boundaries. I also wondered if your H has always treated you in a controlling way or is this a change in mlc.

6:53 Plumcrazy: Cricket---I am having a hard time understanding why H is having such a hard time with me. People I work with treat me with more courtesy than my own H!!!

6:54 Still: Cricket, Tonight at our church Bible study we were talking about fear of death. My H said that his fear of death is more for our kids. He had multiple stepfathers and would hate for the kids to have anything, but their "mom and dad". A positive...

6:54 Snickerdoodle: BlueSky: no changes, have not spoken with husband. granddaughter arrived healthy, she's a sweetie and a real bright spot. I moved into my condo a week ago. seems strange. I'm unpacked and settling into my new "normal".

6:55 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - Some of it is typical mlc but I know you'd been hurting or not feeling well and he probably feels you've been hard on him too. With the dream or when you were in pain, we don't as much patience or good judgment as we should

6:55 graceful: Cricket: Controlling yes untrusting no. But this controlling currently is at a new level and my counselor recommended that I do not yield to his every demand because then I am enabling him rather than him realizing that life happens

6:55 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - A BIG POSITIVE!

6:56 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - Remember Jim told you not to take his texts during chat so some boundaries are appropriate

6:56 Still: Cricket....I thought so, too. I am not always sure how to read what he says. I sometimes fear that I make too much out of his comments.

6:56 graceful: Cricket: He controlled the finances but never forced me to do anything I did not want to do. Now he is going over the top. we have been seeing a counselor since Nov and he is growing impatient

6:57 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - TO ME his demands seemed unreasonable, I know I'm only hearing one side but when I read your email I thought this was unreasonable. That's why I agree with Jim that counseling would be helpful.

6:57 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - To be honest, it is really too early in the process for him to be ready to restore his marriage. Part of him wants to, but he has more work to do.

6:58 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - No that was a good comment. We do need to praise the Lord for the blessings he gives us and that was one.

6:58 graceful: Cricket I turn off my Google chat at 8pm on chat days and I asked him to stop calling, emailing and texting me all of last week he complied and then on Saturday he came by the apartment and complained that it is not of God to request that he stop

6:59 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim. James 4:8, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

6:59 BlueSky: Snicker, congratulations on the new baby. Hopefully she will keep you occupied.

6:59 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - I'd just tell him that you are working on yourself and need this time to do so. I feel these are good boundaries.

6:59 Plumcrazy: JIM---One of my friends says that she doesn’t think my H is leaving in 3 yrs, She says he is home playing games on computer, not cheating with OW and hasn’t left the house. What do you think?

6:59 graceful: Cricket: I think that it’s the financial strain that’s pulling him towards reconciliation not his love for God and me. So I tune him out throughout majority of the day and I do not tell him what I am up to

6:59 Plumcrazy: Jim---Same friend says H just likes to gripe and complain

7:00 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - Jim teaches and many of us see that financial reality is a wakeup call for them.

7:00 Plumcrazy: hi Lisa

7:00 graceful: Cricket: I hope so...

7:01 Plumcrazy: Cricket--I always do that cause I am busy looking at my fingers typing and not looking at the screen, Didn’t see Jim leave LOL

7:01 graceful: Cricket: I have counseling on Thursday and I will share the emails with the my counselor and see what she recommends I do

7:02 LisaK [Programmer]: 6:59 Plumcrazy: Well, I think the video games are sort of like "the other woman" to him. At least he won't get an STD. But, it can still be almost as frustrating for you as the wife to not have your husband mentally/emotionally as part of the relationship.

7:02 BlueSky: all, I went to a FA and am hoping for the same thing... that the financial reality will mean something.

7:02 graceful: Cricket: Thanks for all the help it helps me stay composed and not panic when I feel I should be in panic. God has been very good to me. He has provided for me when I least expected it and he continues to grow me...

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - That's a good idea. Personally I agree with you that it would be good to have more time and for your H to have more time to be truly ready to restore, not just make more demands of you.

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - I know, it's easy to miss someone leave

7:04 graceful: Cricket: I believe that reconciliation is in my future and I know that God is working on my H and that he knows what God wants him to do but his flesh is fighting the spirit and I will just continue to pray...w/o ceasing

7:04 Plumcrazy: Lisa@7:02 ----I agree with what you said. I feel so alone like I have no part in his life

In the midst of despair and great difficulty Jeremiah said, "Deep in my heart I say, 'The LORD is all I need; I can depend on him!' The LORD is kind to everyone who trusts and obeys him. It is good to wait patiently for the LORD to save us'" (Lamentations 3:24-26 CEV).

7:05 graceful: Cricket I will keep you posted but I have to go now have a good night a

7:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - I agree

7:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - I think it's Still that has the prayer about the Lord's arm around her shoulders and his hand over her mouth. I'd adopt that prayer too..... It's something we all can pray

7:07 LisaK [Programmer]: Teach us, Lord, to understand and obey Your commands. Help us to live life Your way, not ours. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

7:08 Plumcrazy: AMEN

7:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Have a great night all.

7:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: AMEN

7:08 Jo2: Amen

7:09 Swanlake: Goodnight all

7:09 Plumcrazy: GOODNITE SWAN

7:12 Plumcrazy: ALL---Please say prayers for me to control my mouth and get my health back on track. Pray for my H to continue to listen and learn more compassion. I heard some stuff coming out of his mouth to S tonight that I really liked in how to treat people

7:12 Plumcrazy: Just can’t type tonight

7:13 Plumcrazy: I know I am always the last to leave

7:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - I will join you to control your mouth, for your health, for you and your H to both listen & learn and that the Lord grow & mold you both into the man & woman he wants you to be.

7:14 LisaK [Programmer]: Plum, ok, we'll be praying for you. Must close now. Bye.

7:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum- I meant in prayer

7:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Good night.

7:14 Plumcrazy: Love you ladies Thanks for being here for me Cricket and Lisa

6:04 graceful: Dr Conway. On Saturday my H came over to the house saying that he has forgiven me and wants us to work on reconciliation. Then today he says that he would love to be reconciled but he is not sure and that he loves his single life right now.

6:09 Dr. Jim Conway
[Administrator]: 6:04 graceful: We all are very excited that your husband wants to work on reconciliation. Remember that it is important to do the right stuff or else your marriage will just repeat the problems that you have just gone through. For example: if you broke your leg, it wouldn't be enough to put band-aids on the outside scratches on your skin - it would be necessary to set the bones and put a cast on your leg to keep the bones straight. The same is true with marriage reconciliation. Both of you saying you want to be reconciled is a good start, but it's not enough. You need to be involved in counseling so that you can discover why the marriage came apart -and fix those problems. Otherwise, you will repeat the same mistakes again. So - you need to take the time to heal just like your bones in a cast must heal.

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