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Feb. 15, 2010 / with Jim Conway

7:01 graceful: Dr. Conway I made a lot of mistakes in our M but my H never admits what his contribution to the state of our M is he just blames me for everything and I do not understand why he does these things

7:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 7:01 graceful: just keep concentrating on your issues and allow God to continue the process of bringing awareness to your husband. Right now he is afraid that if he tells you he is sorry, or has failed you, that will mean that he is going to be coming back soon - and he does not want to communicate that to you - so he ignores saying anything affirming or apologetic.


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6:01 Cricket [Facilitator]: Welcome all. I know there had been some internet problems so thought I'd assist. Hope you all have had a good holiday weekend.

6:02 Swanlake: Hello everyone, how are you tonight?

6:02 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Still & Swan - How are you both?

6:02 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I have a hunch you and I may need to help tonight.

6:02 Still: Having a good day, how about you?

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi BlueSky, faithfull & Snickerdoodle - how are you tonight?

6:03 Swanlake: Cricket - I'll switch over.

6:03 Snickerdoodle: I am remarkably peaceful with the dissolution scheduled for Friday

6:03 BlueSky: hi all, it’s going to be a full house

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - It has been a productive day. We finally had some wonderful weather after such a long spell of storms.

6:03 Snickerdoodle: My H father died and the funeral is Thursday. Going to be a big week.

6:04 kmkrn1: Cricket - Where is Jim and Lisa?

6:04 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hey kmkrn, ndakmom & sbky.

6:04 sbky: cricket we just have snow , snow and m ore snow

6:04 BlueSky: Snickerdoodle, glad to see you, I am sorry for this week. No changes at all?

6:04 Still: Oh, good, Cricket. Great weather can really improve your mood, can't it?

6:04 ndakmom: snicker- I’m sorry to hear about your father (((HUGS)))

6:04 faithfull: Cricket not doing so well. My emotions have been up and down. Going to see md in the am for medication. My h goes on vacation with ow this week.

6:04 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snickerdoodle - I am so sorry. Typically mlcrs do not handle these things well, often they run from this type stress.

6:04 BlueSky: Snickerdoodle. oh my, so sorry to hear that, what a rough week ahead.

6:04 ndakmom: hi cricket and everyone

6:05 BlueSky: Cricket, it was a beautiful day here too. I would liked to have hiked with my h.

6:05 sbky: snickerdoodle.. so sorry to hear that

6:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: sbky - Yes it's been the same here in CA although my area had more rain, lots of it.

6:05 sbky: hello everyone

6:05 Still: All, tonight my h and I were headed to Bible Study. Our current series is on fears. I was having difficult backing out of the driveway and my h said, "My fear is that my wife won't successfully back out of this driveway"...."MY WIFE"....Yahoo!

6:05 BlueSky: faithfull, how is he doing that without money? I know the meds will help you.

6:06 Snickerdoodle: Blue: no changes. I saw my H at the hospital, was able to maintain my composure and make light conversation until it was time to leave. I started crying and told my husband I loved him. His reply, "I know, I know" kinda like a "there, there"

6:06 sbky: cricket my kids have missed 20 days of school since Christmas break

6:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hey - Jim &Lisa I thought maybe with the holiday, we may miss you. I'd asked Swan to help with the full room

6:06 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Snickerdoodle - Will you be attending? Typically MLCers don't deal well with loss, if you will be around him, please try not to take any hurtful words your husband might say personally. They strike out at those they are closest too when they are hurting.

6:06 BlueSky: Still, yahoo right there with you. PTL

6:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: sbky -Wow, that's a lot of school to miss.

6:06 Jim CONWAY [Administrator]: hello everyone: Lisa will be here shortly but you'll have to get along with me for now

6:06 faithfull: BlueSky that is what really hurts. He says he does not have the money to see the kids but yes he can go on vacation. Here I am taking care of the kids and trying to keep things going while he goes off by himself.

6:07 BlueSky: Snicker, you are in the my prayers

6:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snickerdoodle - I agree with Swan.

6:07 sbky: cricket yes. and they missed 4 before Christmas

6:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Jim - Swan and I are happy to help you and blessed to do so.

6:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithfull - Sadly this is typical mlc, they make terrible financial decisions, often end up in terrible debt as they chase their fantasy thru mlc

6:08 Still: BlueSky,....if he could have heard the beating of my heart with JOY. Not only was he making a joke, but he used an endearment. I just kept thinking..."thank you, God, thank you God."

6:08 Jim CONWAY [Administrator]: 6:07 Cricket and Swanlake - thank you guys for your willingness to jump in and help -- you are a big blessing to all of us!

6:08 Snickerdoodle: ALL: I am planning on attending the funeral but not the visiting hours. I will sit with my grown son and his wife. I did make the obituary as my H wife - so at least I still exist.

6:08 BlueSky: faithfull, I am sure. Your kids must be so confused. Hang in there!

6:08 Plumcrazy: JIM----Glad to see you here tonight

6:09 faithfull: Cricket my mind knows that but my heart does not.

6:09 sbky: Dr Conway. I think I am slowly seeing more signs of my h reconnecting. with people and even me. Saturday. he went out of his way to talk tome about something he normally wouldn’t. being that we normally ignore each other

6:11 Jim CONWAY [Administrator]: 6:09 sbky: I’m so glad that you are seeing progress -- I am convinced that many people give up too quickly.

6:09 BlueSky: Still, keep saying it too.

6:09 faithfull: BlueSky the sad part is my kids do not even ask for him. To them he is out of the picture.

6:09 sbky: Dr Conway and even referred to us. .as we..

6:09 graceful: Hello Jim, My H has filed for D and he told me that it would be in my best interest if I do not contest the D what do you recommend I do.

6:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithfull - Many of us have found that particularly in the early stages, anti depressants can help. AS we get stronger we can back off them, but particularly in the early stages it is helpful.

6:10 BlueSky: faithfull, that is very sad. It has always bothered me to see kids hurting.

6:11 faithfull: Cricket I was on them when he first left and was doing just fine. But just the taught of him with her hurts like heck. I am trying to redirect my thoughts but the hurt is so deep.

6:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: 6:05 Still: That really is a praise. I’ve joked that mlc stole my H's wonderful sense of humor. Whenever we can bring humor in and laugh with them, it is really good.

6:11 graceful: Cricket: My H told me today that the progress I am making is not making a difference in winning him back to me. He said God promised me nothing and I should not contest the D. I am not very pleased with what he said it just does not add up

6:11 Plumcrazy: JIM-----Talked to H the other day. says he still plans on leaving in 3 yrs. He had been listening to love songs in his language a lot. I know I SHOULDNT have asked H about who he was thinking of but I did

6:13 Jim CONWAY [Administrator]: 6:11 Plumcrazy: three years is a long time -- this is still the time for patience

6:11 Still: Faithfull, I am sorry about your kids.

6:11 BlueSky: Jim, 2 weeks ago, my h asked me to decide on mediation or other. He wanted an answer, at the time I was very upset. I saw him today and he didn’t ask, should I volunteer the answer or wait until he asks?

6:14 Jim CONWAY [Administrator]: 6:11 BlueSky: wait until he brings up the subject again -- then suggest that you may need legal counsel to make sure that it will be a fair agreement.

6:12 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: graceful - have you spoke to a lawyer to find out the real truth? Often MLCers just slight of threat to attempt to get people to do what they want. Typically they seem to think they should be able to get out of the marriage with no financial responsibilities to anyone and as quickly as possible. Legal advise might be a very good thing for you to get.

6:12 kmkrn1: faithful - this is such typical behavior for MLC! They are like spoiled teenagers with a credit card--very dangerous! But, it only last for a "season." Just wish I could tell you how long that would be! Hang in there!

6:12 sbky: Jim Conway. it was even on his turf.. he lives above the store where we was at. I had took his key to him. my daughter had had it.. when I was about out the door he stopped and told me something..

6:12 Still: Cricket, Did your H's sense of humor return? That is something that I miss so much in our house....laughter. My H and I used to laugh so much. It seems to be coming back in very, very small increments.

6:13 faithfull: Cricket but today we text for a little while because a bill collector was calling and he apologize for messing my credit. I told him not worry about it was bound to happen because we are one. He did not say anything

6:13 graceful: Dr. Conway. I am in a tough spot. I have been working on making amends for the mistakes I made in my M but my H looks for every opportunity to bring me down. Yes I have spoken with an attorney and he said I have to wait until I am served

6:16 Jim CONWAY [Administrator]: 6:13 graceful: your attorney is correct -- frequently people give a very negative reaction whenever someone else tries to make amends.

6:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithfull - Let me remind you of my story. My H took the OW to our special place and it hurt me so much. Later I learned that he kept thinking of me the whole time and the OW found out. Please know the Lord can use even these things to touch their heart.

6:13 faithfull: Cricket also he never mention divorce this time. He always throw it in my face. So I guess should be thankful for that.

6:13 Plumcrazy: Jim----H says you can’t handle who it is. I said how do you know I can’t. H told me it was woman he never dated because he didn’t think he was good enough. The one he plans on finding in 3 yrs. I didn’t get upset; In fact H was like . You aren’t getting upset like you used too. Wow

6:17 Jim CONWAY [Administrator]: 6:13 Plumcrazy: small steps of success feel good don't they?

6:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - At first my H's sense of humor was very dark as it began returning... he'd joke at inappropriate things. It's slowly returning so that is a good sign you are seeing

6:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithful - That was a good response about the credit.

6:15 BlueSky: Jim thank you. I felt that was the way to go, I just don't want to be rude though.

6:15 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Plumcrazy - it is very good that he is recognizing changes in your behavior, keep doing what you are.

6:15 BlueSky: Jim, since h and I live apart, how do I find out what his needs are? We are traveling together this Thur- Sat for our d. I would like to use this time for anything positive.

6:18 Jim CONWAY [Administrator]: 6:15 BlueSky: keep learning from other sources about the general needs of midlife men. Also keep trying to see life through your husband's eyes.

6:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithfull - IF he does throw it in your face, not responding to that really helps. Also as he sees you don't react in anger, it is really helpful too. Your reactions to him are helping.

6:15 faithfull: Cricket last night I was so down and went to rejoice ministry and there God reminded me that I was not standing for me. I am standing for my h salvation, my children, my great grandchildren and future generation. That really help me.

6:16 Still: Cricket at 6:14, Oh my...I can't believe how much that reflects my h. He has had such an adolescent humor for well over year...crude, weird jokes he would have found so immature in the past. Slowly, they are less and less in the picture.

6:17 BlueSky: faithfull,6:15 isn't that wonderful to know

6:17 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithfull - WONDERFUL how Rejoice Ministry planted those reminders & so true. My greatest prayer even now is for my H's salvation.

6:17 graceful: Dr. Conway. My H called me today and he said that God promised me nothing and I owe God everything and that I have to die to self and that he will now expedite the D process. He plans on coming to pick up the rest of his stuff sometime this week. is there any time when I should stop praying, and standing for my M even when my H is encouraging me to do otherwise

6:24 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:17 graceful: Remember that this is a process, so don't jump to any quick activity. Keep hanging on, and doing your part in the growing and changing process.

6:17 sadwife1: Hi All. I have a question. I am in marriage counseling with my h. We haven't been in a while and my husband has been showing signs of coming out of his fog. I’m not sure how to respond in counseling. Sometimes if I don't talk, basically nothing is sa

6:17 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithfull - Remember the enemy attacks us as we are growing and especially when the Lord is making progress in our H's. When you feel attacked, try to remember that this may because of His work in your H

6:18 Plumcrazy: Jim---I had a friend really upset me in something she said. she said you can’t make someone care for you. It put so much doubt in my mind about my marriage that I thought was gone. I ended up driving until I came to church in country

6:25 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:18 Plumcrazy: we can't make anyone love us - but we can understand and meet their needs, so they are automatically attracted to us.

6:18 Saam: Jim: Do you think that it makes our H angry when we say that we are standing for our marriage and will not entertain the idea of divorce?

6:26 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:18 Saam: I think husbands are happy that women want to save the marriages - but remember that they're also expecting change, not just trying to hold the status quo.

6:18 sadwife1: continued said

6:18 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: BlueSky - try getting a piece of paper and pen, and in a quiet place think back on things over the years that your husband liked, complained about, wanted, spoke about, etc. put pen to paper and start writing whatever comes to mind without lifting the pen until the thoughts stop. In all that will be the answer to knowing what he wants. We really don't need to ask them, we know, they have been letting us know for years, we just weren't listening since they didn't say it directly or with words.

6:19 Saam: Cricket: I agree with you on 6:17!!

6:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Yes this is true of my H. He'd become very successful in his career but in mlc, he kept making inappropriate comments & shocked people who'd known him for years. Also my H started looking at very young girls & made inappropriate comments about that. Typical mlc all part of the illness.

6:20 Cricket [Facilitator]: Saam - Isn't it amazing how many of us see the same things, further indication they are in mlc.

6:20 kmkrn1: graceful - Your name says it all--God's "GRACE" is sufficient for you! SO, NEVER GIVE UP!

6:20 faithfull: Cricket was it wrong to tell h that I am standing for our marriage or should I not say anything about that.

6:20 Jim CONWAY [Administrator]: To everyone -- Lisa has just arrived so she will be doing the typing for me now -- yea!!

6:20 Plumcrazy: JIM----I cried out to GOD to please show me if I am supposed to stand for this marriage. I asked him to heal H's heart and let him enjoy and take part in life again. I asked that if he isn’t supposed to be with me let him be happy

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:20 Plumcrazy: Remember that God will be answering your prayer by changing your heart as well as your husband's heart. It took the 2 of you lots of years to get your marriage in trouble - it will take some time to get things stabilized again.

6:21 sadwife1: what have you learned Plumcrazy?

HI ALL. THIS IS LISA. WHOOPSIE ME, THOUGHT TODAY WAS SUNDAY. MY BAD. I’m HERE TO HELP Jim NOW. :O) WE'LL GET BUSY.

6:21 graceful: I do not plan on giving up but My H makes me go crazy whenever he calls me

6:21 Still: Cricket, yes, the inappropriate comments have been very bizarre. People who have known him for years just look at me questionably when he says odd remarks. Yet, he is in a high profile job and seems to be able to manage well there.

6:21 Saam: Cricket: I have heard nothing from my H in at least 4 days...it is scary for me...the devil is really messing with my mind with a lot of "what if's"!

6:22 kmkrn1: sadwife - If in doubt of what to say, just listen and "zip the lips." Remember that every "negative" can be turned into a positive--it takes practice, but it is possible!

6:22 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithfull - I'd say it once but now don't make a point of it. It is hard for them as they feel so guilty & THINK if we move on, date, etc they'll feel less guilty. Really not true. Let your actions speak for you but it doesn't hurt to let him know you care & show him you still love him in your actions.

6:22 sadwife1: yes I have heard that but we just sit in silence in therapy which I hate

6:23 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Lisa - I thought I was the only one who loses track of what day it is. I have my scheduler alert set on my computer to remind me. I blame age and you are a mother with young children at home - LOL!

6:23 Plumcrazy: Sadwife ---H and I have had some good conversations before the latest statements by H. I think maybe he got threatened by my question about who he was thinking about

6:23 graceful: He always has a way of getting me off my footing and I dislike that. I hate the fact that he has so much power over how I feel or react to him. Maybe I give him too much power

6:24 sadwife1: Plumcrazy: so Jim would have said you shouldn't have asked that? I’m just trying to understand how much I can say/ask and how much I can't

6:24 kmkrn1: faithful - @ 6:20 - You can tell him that you will not help him to obtain a divorce, but depending on his thoughts, he will do what he wants--not what you want. My H didn't "want to forgive me" when I asked for it. Now he has thanked me for NOT

6:25 kmkrn1: faithful (cont.) - giving up on him!

6:25 bittersweet: MAS: I came on hoping you would be on here. How are you? Been very concerned.

6:25 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sadwife - When you aren't sure, you might try asking about things you can work on. Approach it in a way that you are trying to see ways you can grow & learn from all of this. See if this might open up sharing in a way that isn't pointing at his issues but the discussion is good. Often they don't tell us what irritates them about us.

6:25 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: sadwife - your counselor doesn't ask questions to encourage talk? If your husband is sitting there silent, talk to the counselor about your concerns, things bothering you, etc. and see where that goes.

6:25 sbky: Dr Conway. when h was talking to me. standing less than two feet from me. (his doing). all I could do was smile and thank God.. I had recently asked for something bigger.. straight from h. and I got it..

6:31 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:25 sbky: yeaaa for God.

6:25 Cricket [Facilitator]: Bittersweet - Hey good to see you tonight.

6:26 sadwife1: Cricket: that is a good point but we have had entire sessions on what bothers him about me. My counselor has pointed out that I can't own all of that and there is stuff HE has to work on.

6:26 kmkrn1: Hey Chey! How are you doing???

6:26 faithfull: kmkrn1 h knows that I will not file for d. He has threaten to file twice but I have not seen the papers.

6:26 bittersweet: Cricket: Hello. Again...Thanks

6:26 Plumcrazy: Sadwife---It isn’t good for me to ask MY H those things it is just the way he is. Sometimes I forget that and start him on a negative reaction

6:26 BlueSky: Jim and Swan, thank you for your thoughts. Swan, that is a great idea, I will try. My h isn't very communicative so it might be difficult.

6:26 BlueSky: Jim and Swan, thank you for your thoughts. Swan, that is a great idea, I will try. My h isn't very communicative so it might be difficult.

6:26 Saam: Jim: If we never see or talk to our H and have no friends that are mutual how will he know that we are changing?? I am afraid that when I email him about different things he is just deleting them without looking at them. I have no contact at all!

6:31 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:26 Saam: your husband probably knows a lot about you that you don't realize he knows - so just keep growing a becoming the person that God wants you to be.

6:26 sadwife1: Plumcrazy I totally understand that! This is very difficult to do as a human being with human tendencies

6:26 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sadwife - YES but it's one thing for the counselor to initiate the conversation about where he could improve, not from you. You might share things you are doing in a positive way when there is silence or a lull.

6:27 cheyanne: hi kmkrn1 - I doing pretty good how about you.....I do feel like I lost the battle for my marriage though...my H married the same OW this past weekend.....very hard

6:27 sadwife1: Cricket. Yes that has been done. I think I’m on the right track. I think I need to keep doing what I’ve been doing. He is really turning a corner I think

6:27 BlueSky: Jim, next Which leads me to my next question. Any suggestions for this trip? We will be in separate rooms.

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:27 BlueSky: Be well rested, keep everything light and funny, give him lots of affirmation, and trust God for the pieces to work out.

6:27 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sadwife - My H focused on things that bothered him, but it actually gave me great insight in areas I could work on. I knew a lot of it was exaggerated but I could sort out the things I did own.

6:28 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sadwife - My Counselor was good about asking questions of my H to bring out the truth in several things he brought up.

6:28 sadwife1: Cricket: yes I’ve done the same and in my reading and tape listening and research, I feel like God has pointed out things I did wrong, kind of convicted me on things. I am working hard on those

6:28 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: BlueSky - Honestly think about your years together, dating, first years of marriage, etc. even in the arguments you may have had, he in some way told you, but since men and women speak in different ways without even knowing it we fail to hear what each other was saying. You may have to dig deep, but it is there. As was said, use your husband's eyes and see it his way. You really do know him well enough to do that and be pretty close in answer.

6:28 kmkrn1: chey - I’m SO sorry--but it's just one battle in the war! Others before you have had to endure this extra hardship--and come through it anyway (Tom & Lou Bearry, etc)

6:29 Plumcrazy: JIM---I asked H what bothered him so much about me. H said that 99% of the problem is my past 1% is my looks and weight.

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:29 Plumcrazy: when he says that the problem is past, what does he mean? Also, when a man says that 1% is looks and weight, he really means 80%.

6:29 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sadwife - Trust me, your H is seeing the changes you are making even if he doesn't admit them. The thing is that they don't trust our changes are real & need time to see we keep working.

6:29 cheyanne: kmkrn1 your so positive. ..I’m just trusting God and I am good with whatever he does and hope I can please him

6:29 bittersweet: MAS: I can call you tonight. Have privacy. Husband gone tonight out of town. Do you want to talk?

6:29 graceful: Dr Conway. somehow my H gets on the Chat when I need to be concentrating on this chat how do I fix this problem . This is my support group during this time and somehow every time I get on the chat he tries to chat with me as well, like right now he is sending me so many message on my personal chat. very hard to focus

6:35 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:29 graceful,: Tell him that for now you can not respond to any email or chat stuff, that you are talking to your support group.

6:30 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hey MAS - good to see you.

6:30 BlueSky: Jim, I finally got a copy of your wife's book Your H Mid Life Crisis. reading it now

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:30 BlueSky: I’m glad that you have that book now. I’m in the process of editing and updating the book, and I hope that the new edition will be out this spring.

6:30 Plumcrazy: MAS----Hey How are you?

6:30 MAS: bittersweet: Hello, how are you? I’m doing fair.

6:30 sadwife1: graceful at 6:29 I have the same problem. sometimes I wonder if it's' the enemy

6:31 kmkrn1: chey - That's all you can do for now--keep looking up!

6:32 bittersweet: MAS: I am doing good. I have struggled some today since he left for the week. Yet I am trusting him and GOD to work it all out.

6:32 MAS: bittersweet: Will you be available tomorrow?

6:32 sbky: Dr Conway . it just says to me. .. keep it up. you are doing what I want

6:37 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:32 sbky: Wow!!!! Thousands of women would love to hear what you are hearing!

6:32 cheyanne: kmkrn1 how are you doing? You working at the school still? How s your H

6:32 MAS: Hi Cricket. Hi Plum.

6:32 kmkrn1: chey - If I said what I was really thinking....then Lisa would have to edit me! ;-)

6:33 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Plumcrazy - I have been thinking about that 99.1% and it could be that he has picked the 1% to be something you can do something about and change, but no one can change the past only how we change from doing or repeating things of the past. He could be spouting something he thinks can never be changed since you can not go back in time, but the truth is the future can be different with different actions. He is possibly trying to give you reason for why the relationship will not work, putting it all on you. Don't let his words fall on your heart and continue doing the things to grow yourself, let God have control of your husband and his excuses.

6:33 bittersweet: MAS:YES. after 9pm

6:33 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - Most people don't understand mlc, even doctors & many counselors don't. Many of us might have said those things before we learned. They worry about us & hate to see us hurting so they try to push us to move forward thinking they are helping. Try to remember you've learned so much, you know about this more than your friend.

6:33 cheyanne: kmkrn1 lol -- ok

6:33 graceful: Sadwife: I do not know what to think about it whether it’s the devil or God. I just want to focus on changing me and not always multitasking

6:34 MAS: bittersweet: Have been really trying hard today just to give it all up to God. I don't know what else I can do anymore.

6:34 sadwife1: wow 80 percent is a lot!

6:35 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful/Sadwife - Generally if you pray and ask the Lord to show you if it's from Him, HE will show you. The bottom line is that growing, learning working on our self is always a good thing and the added benefit is that our H's se our work.

6:35 kmkrn1: ALL - Thank goodness for a "man's perspective" (@ 6:33)! Too bad Tamashii is not here now!

6:35 Plumcrazy: JIM@6:33-- What he means about my past was the number of men I have been with before him.

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:35 Plumcrazy: I would strongly urge you to concentrate on your physical appearance - remember that guys are extremely visual. God will continue the process of healing your past issues.

6:36 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - A HUGE thing is that you MUST eat, you need to work on your health & get healthy as that pulls you down even more. Walk around the block at first or even just down the block, one step at a time, and make yourself eat, small meals several times a day.

6:36 sadwife1: Plumcrazy: I’m just guessing that that never bothered him before MLC right?

6:36 MAS: bittersweet: After 9:00 tomorrow? What about your house phone?

6:37 kmkrn1: Plumcrazy - You can't move forward if you're stuck in the past! Lord knows that I don't want to go backwards ever!

6:37 BlueSky: Jim, again thank you for your words.

6:37 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sadwife - Good point regarding Plum. Her H knew this before they got together & it wasn't a problem but now it's something they point to...

6:37 Plumcrazy: JIM-----H told me "The sooner you give up on me the sooner you can move on with your life" Then he said "You will make someone a good wife"

6:39 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:37 Plumcrazy: Just ignore what he is saying now, and keep focused on the visual issue.

6:38 bittersweet: MAS: that’s good. I think GOD waits for us to get out of the way so he can work. It's like we get too exhausted to help him and then he says...cool...now I can work

6:38 sbky: Dr Conway. I thank God every night

6:38 Cricket [Facilitator]: PLUM - Sadwife & my reply to sadwife - 6:37 - Good points

6:38 faithfull: MAS are you divorce?

6:38 sadwife1: Plumcrazy 6:37 I’m so sorry that he said that. I just sympathize with your sadness for hearing that.

6:38 BlueSky: Swan, thanks, you know, I was just telling d yesterday, that until this happened I had never really seen how different men and women are and how they communicate. It has been quiet an education or I was very naive.

6:39 ndakmom: graceful- is your H chatting with you through messenger or something? If so, could you put yourself showing not online so your H thinks you’re not online, so you can focus more on this chat?

6:39 graceful: Cricket: but why is it like clock work at 9 am he gets on the chat and wants me to focus on him talking about the D. I told him that I will not give voice to the D or S

6:39 bittersweet: MAS: not house phone

6:39 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - Is it every day at that time or only when you are in chat. Can he see you are on line, maybe make yourself invisible for IM'ing

6:40 sadwife1: in my case, my husband is always here during chat. I feel funny excusing myself but I also don't want this to be taken from me. It doesn't seem fair.

6:40 graceful: I am doing that now

6:40 Cricket [Facilitator]: ndakmom - We think alike - I said the same about showing not on line

6:41 Plumcrazy: JIM-----I lost 5lbs this week. So far have lost 28lbs total

6:44 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:41 Plumcrazy: we are all very proud of you! I told you last week that I am in the process of losing weight, and it is hard work. My goal of losing weight is about 10 pounds a month - so far I’m on schedule. So keep up the good work.

6:41 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sadwife - If they understand this is something we do to help us grow, they will accept it easier.

6:41 kmkrn1: Plum - I heard that too from my H (@ 6:37) - He said that "my next husband would be faithful"--well, now he IS my only husband!

6:41 graceful: I feel bad because I have very few times when I talk with my H. And whenever he contacts me I feel like this is an opportunity that I should take hold off

6:41 MAS: bittersweet: Yes, exactly. I am so tired.

6:41 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - Yes do you know kmkrn is one of the ones with a restored marriage?

6:42 faithfull: Jim does it not bother them that they are married and running around with ow like nothing.

6:45 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:42 faithfull: Unfortunately, many midlife men have compartmentalized their lives so completely that they can act like a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde - and they hardly remember the other part of their lives.

This is Lisa, MLD office manager. If you feel you didn’t get enough time with Jim in the room today, or have a private question you don’t wish to discuss here, please consider scheduling a 1-on-1 phone counseling session with Jim. Call/email us at 714-768-1777 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to set up a session. I’ll go over the suggested donation and provide you with ways to make the most of your time during the private call. I’ll need a list of dates/times that work for you to compare to Jim’s schedule and let you know the best one. When it’s time for the session, Jim calls you on the phone number of your choice. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to donate to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you.

6:42 kmkrn1: Plum - @ 6:41 - Yep, it's the best diet I was ever on--I lost 55 pounds total! Actually, I told my friends that "I lost 220 pounds--and then he came HOME!" :-)

6:42 sadwife1: Cricket: I just thought it was best not to tell him about this because it puts him on that angry path of thinking I’m saying it's HIS problem. Although that is getting better with him. He seems to be clearer that he does have something to do with th

6:42 graceful: Dr. Conway what’s the best way to make restitution for you mistakes when you mate wants out and has actually already packed majority of his things and has left. my H just told me that he wants me to stop him from going through the D and he says that I have the means to do so. Know why would he want out and want me to stop him

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:42 graceful: I would strongly urge you to do all you can to delay the divorce process. Regarding restitution, give it time to evolve so that you are not making restitution just to win him back, but you make amends because you were genuinely wrong.

6:42 sbky: kmkrn1 did you read about my h talking to me the other day.. on his "turf"?

6:43 Still: Kmkrn, Is your restored marriage a better relationship than before MLC? If so, in what ways?

6:43 faithfull: kmkrn how long was he gone?

6:43 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithfull - I find they convince themselves - Marriage is dead so it's okay... mine said his vow s til death do us part but that our marriage was dead so it was okay to move on.

6:43 bittersweet: Plumcrazy: that’s cool. So proud of your weight loss. I hope you have a plan to keep it off. I suggest Weight Watchers. I lost 72 lbs 9 years ago. Got to have a plan to maintain.

6:43 ndakmom: sadwife- I know what you mean, there have been occasions when my H is here during chat, usually I go into my bedroom, have a laptop and chat in there while H plays with the kids, he doesn't know about the group and not sure how he would take knowing

6:43 cheyanne: kmkrn1 what diet I missed it

6:44 MAS: faithfull: No. I think I’m in a similar situation as you are. We're still not divorced and the fact that my H went on a trip with the OW is just killing me. I’m sure you can easily relate.

6:44 ndakmom: sadwife cont- knowing about it, so I just make him think I’m taking alone time and allowing him alone time with the kids.

6:44 sadwife1: ndakmom: yes I’m on your wavelength. I just know my h.

6:44 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sadwife - If you tell him anything, tell him it's a support group to help you work on yourself.... but whatever you feel is best. YES you are right, never make them feel it's their problem or you are talking about them.

6:44 ndakmom: plum- that is great on the weight loss!!! Keep up the good work!

6:44 kmkrn1: ALL/Cricket - Yes, a restored marriage is much improved over the old broken one--BUT it also takes time to heal after they come home--it's a long journey!

6:44 sadwife1: He knows I have a bible study, a women's group and a support group of close friends who I go to

6:44 bittersweet: MAS: that’s a good place to be. I read a story once on how this lady got to tired to help GOD and was exhausted and had to be carried to the doctor for that. That is when GOD answered she said.

6:45 Still: Bittersweet, that is awesome on the weight loss. Have you been able to maintain in? I have lost 60 lbs. since July. I hope to lose the last 15 by summer.

6:45 Plumcrazy: Bittersweet--I will keep it off. I maintain my weight well. I just need to be careful and not keep sweet in house when I am upset. I usually eat 3 meals a day and rarely snack. I have been drinking a lot of soda tho need to stop that

6:45 Cricket [Facilitator]: kmkrn - That's what I’ve been told, that the restored marriage and the healed h is much better than before but takes more work after they come home.

6:46 bittersweet: Still: Most plans do not offer a plan to keep it off. Yes...I am doing good. Size 6/8 135 lbs.

6:46 graceful: Cricket: I do not understand my H he wants out and then he tells me he wants me to stop him from ending our M. I hope that God will give me clarity on this matter

6:46 BlueSky: Jim, congrats on your weight loss too.

6:46 kmkrn1: ndakmom - I never kept anything from my H, even when he was gone! He knows about this chat room and always has (even while he was gone). Now he just asks me if I’m done on my "Chattanooga Choo Choo?" He doesn't participate at all though.

6:47 Plumcrazy: Jim---Yes congratulations

6:47 sadwife1: graceful: that sounds promising. I got a "hope" email two weeks ago and I about fell off the chair. He's slowly better

6:47 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - Yes sodas really interfere with weight loss, if you can switch to something like Crystal Springs Flavored waters - no calories but carbonated & flavor.

6:47 BlueSky: graceful, wow, that is confusing but hopefully good.

6:47 Plumcrazy: ALL-I just need to get to feeling better physically and get back to working out.

6:49 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:47 Plumcrazy: since I have started walking everyday, I not only have lost weight, but I also seem to be getting more energy and I feel better about myself.

6:48 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - It all goes back to their confusion, There is no logic to many things they say or do. My H told counselor he didn't want to tell me he was thinking about OW as he was afraid I'd leave him, have an affair or commit suicide....YET he was thinking he wasn't happy.... no logic.

6:48 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:47 Plumcrazy, 6:46 BlueSky: Thanks for your affirmation - I think it helps as we all work together on our issues.

6:48 kmkrn1: graceful - My H was actually mad at me for not filing for divorce (he felt too guilty to do it himself I think)! There is no telling what they are thinking! SO, luckily, it never did get done!

6:49 graceful: Dr. Conway but why would my H tell me to stop him when he is the one filing for D. I understand not rushing to the restitution and doing it for the right reasons which is what I am looking to do

6:53 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:49 graceful: remember that midlife men are quite confused and they don't want to be responsible for pushing the divorce. Many men try to make things so miserable that they hope they can force their wives to file for the divorce.

6:49 Still: kmkrn, Did you live apart at any time?

6:49 Plumcrazy: JIM----I have been working with nonverbal autistic child. I have to restrain the child sometimes. I t has taken a toll on me physically with my bad back and arthritis. I have been in constant physical pain.

6:55 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:49 Plumcrazy: I am sorry that you are going through this stress that you are going through with the autistic child. Sometimes life situation will take so much energy out of us, that we have little or nothing to give to our mate.

6:49 MAS: bittersweet: Thank you so much for being there for me.

6:49 sadwife1: when they start to show positive signs how do you keep your hopes in check? I don't want to get back on the rollercoaster. God has given me such strength though over these 6 months. Each month since Christmas has been better for me

6:57 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:49 sadwife1: it's very important to remember that the recovery process will be much like the stock market. One day up, one day down. You are right to keep your emotions fixed on God rather than to follow the ups and downs of your husband's emotions.

6:50 BlueSky: Jim, Cricket, Swan, h was here today doing chores, and I was finally able to affirm him on his bonus and asked him about snow boarding, and an Amazing Race type thingy he did with our son this weekend. Finally!!

6:58 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:50 BlueSky: Yeaaaa for you - and don't be discouraged if he didn't give you some sort of a positive affirmation in return. He is watching to see if this "new you" will continue.

6:50 bittersweet: Plumcrazy: They say you should drink 6 -8 oz gasses of h20 a day. Eat a mixture of 5 fruits and vegetables and 2milk products and exercise.

6:50 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - I might have missed it, but are you eating? Small meals/snacks several times a day. You MUST get your weight back up for your health & it will help your depression.

6:51 sbky: sadwife I am wondering about that too'

6:51 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - GREAT! Keep up finding those opportunities.

6:51 bittersweet: MAS: I help if I can. I am not sure always what to say. I am not in separation or divorce but I feel your pain.

6:51 kmkrn1: Still - Yes, he moved out to pursue the ow and lived in an apartment--our children NEVER visited him there even though he was just a mile down the road.

6:51 BlueSky: Cricket, thanks and how are you

6:52 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: TO EVERYONE IN THE ROOM, I am excited to announce that this Friday, February 19th, will be Jan and my 4th wedding anniversary. It's almost impossible to believe that we have been married this long, because we are still on our honeymoon. I’m also amazed that even though she knows a lot about me, she still loves and accepts me. To celebrate the event, we are spending the day at the fancy hotel on the Kona Coast which was a gift from 2 of our friends.

6:52 Plumcrazy: Bittersweet ----Was drinking lots of water then started drinking soda again. Need to stop soda again

6:52 sadwife1: kmkrn: when did he fess up to the ow?

6:52 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sadwife - Try to remember that this is a process and it takes time and look at them as baby steps slowly leading him home. Know that there will be back steps but keep up your good work & there will be more forward steps.

6:52 sadwife1: congrats Dr. Conway!

6:52 graceful: Cricket: I have out my prayer points all over the house and I am now standing fervently for my marriage. I will not give up or quit on this thing even though my H is asking me to let go of him

6:52 BlueSky: kmkrn, my d and I went to see "When in Rome" today. It was very cute and I thought of you going next month

6:53 Plumcrazy: MJ2----GLAD to see you How are you?

6:53 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - I’m catching up on rest & projects that got behind while working on the fundraiser but feeling much better. Thanks.

6:53 bittersweet: Plumcrazy: Diet soda is ok but will make you retain fluid. Do you weigh in somewhere?

6:53 kmkrn1: sadwife - I learned the hard way that the road home is never straight! There were many "false starts" home--I would get my hopes up, and then be let down; but NEVER gave up!

6:53 Still: Kmkrn, I have often wondered if a relationship is more easily restored when there has been a separation. My H still lives here and has never really cycled on wanting to be in/out of the relationship. We just kind of lives as co-parent/roommates.

6:53 Plumcrazy: Graceful---Explain prayer points

6:53 graceful: Dr Conway. Congratulations and have fun

6:53 BlueSky: Jim, congratulations again. You sound like a romantic!!

6:53 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - I have a friend who puts prayer request on her wall so that when she walks by it reminds her to pray. Very good attitude, I love what I’m seeing in your growth.

6:54 Still: Congratulations, Dr. Conway!

6:54 graceful: Plum I have a detailed sheet with the things I am praying for God to work on on my relationship, me and my H as individuals

6:54 BlueSky: Cricket, I hope and pray that young family that lost there h, father, policeman are coping okay

6:54 kmkrn1: sadwife - My daughter found text messages from ow on his phone and she showed them to me! He was caught and then had to fess up!

6:54 bittersweet: Dr. Jim Conway: Congratulations and Happy Anniversary. Thanks for your book. It really saved me and it does work.

6:54 sadwife1: yes and I don't want him to come home too soon and then leave again... too hard on the kids and me

6:55 sadwife1: kmkrn1 did he move out then or before?

6:55 Saam: graceful: you and I are 2 peas in a pod!

6:55 ndakmom: kmkrn- my H would flip if he knew about the chat group, I’m afraid to the point that he would shut me out even more, even when I was going for therapy he refused to believe I was going to help me deal with him leaving, but that I was going because I

6:55 sadwife1: My H won't admit to infidelity at any point in our crisis

6:55 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Jim - Happy Anniversary!

6:55 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - The wife/widow's first H died of cancer in early 20's ... can you imagine what she & her child from first marriage is facing? Wow.

6:55 kmkrn1: bluesky - Then I guess I will have to plan to see that movie! Sounds good.

6:55 sbky: sadwife I asked God to not bring h home until he was through this.. I didn’t know what I was asking. but I don’t want him home to soon either..

6:55 graceful: Cricket: Sometimes I wonder why when I have a good day my H has to destroy it with a rude comment. Like yesterday he called and yelled at me to day he lectures me on the phone for an hour I wonder what he will do tomorrow

6:56 ndakmom: kmkrn cont- I was the one who had all the problems. He's so much in denial right now, I know I’m no saint, but I also know I’m not 100% to blame for him leaving, but that is what he believes right now

6:56 sadwife1: sbky that is exactly what I’m doing. I even prayed to God not to lift this crisis until He had done all the work he wanted to do in me. I really felt like I was on the edge of the cliff on that one

6:56 Cricket [Facilitator]: Jim - Congratulations - SO this will REALLY be your anniversary.... I know the Kona Coast well, which hotel are you visiting?

6:56 BlueSky: Cricket, no, I can't, she must be so strong

6:56 graceful: Saam: we need to partner and you know what the word says about when 2 or 3 are gathered

6:56 MarySarah: Dr. Conway One question how do I deal with H's continued playing the fun parent & OW's manipulation of my kids, ex H buying kid's affection & loyalty even buying expensive games because one had higher grades than other?

7:01 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:56 MarySarah, Almost every family where there is separation or divorce, the parents try to manipulate the children giving them special gifts and privileges. Unfortunately, the kids soon figure this out, and they of course take advantage of it. Remember not to compete with this process of buying your kids off because the children really do see through this.

6:57 Still: sbky, I have asked God for something very similar....please don't let him move back towards our relationship until he is truly ready.

6:57 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - They are jealous when they see us becoming stable - they also try to push our buttons to push us away - it drives them crazy when it doesn't work but they are also drawn to our peace.

6:57 Plumcrazy: JIM-----I love my job and the child I work with don’t get me wrong. It has just been hard on me

7:01 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:57 Plumcrazy: I’m glad you love your job - but find ways to unwind so that you can recharge your batteries after you leave your job each day.

6:58 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - I guess she has no choice and I’m sure reality hasn't hit yet, but she has a lot of support from her H's work.

6:58 kmkrn1: sadwife - found out about ow in Dec. 2005. He moved out in May 2006. He was awful living with Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hide during that time. I could finally exhale when he left. The only person you have control over is YOU, just work on that.

6:58 MarySarah: Dr. Conway 2nd ? How much do you know about dealing esp with MLCers that most likely have underlying personality disorders I am convinced this is underlying issue & MLC is added stress I know there are diff ways to communicate & deal with pers. disor

7:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 6:58 MarySarah: Most midlife men who are in a serious midlife crisis have some carry over into from the childhood or young adult areas of their life. Hopefully the trauma and confusion of midlife will help the guys to face some of these issues.

6:58 BlueSky: Jim, 6:57, I like that analogy

6:58 faithfull: kmkrn when did he come back home.

6:59 BlueSky: Cricket, I know the police/fire etc. really look after their own.

6:59 kmkrn1: ndakmom - their "perception" of the truth is often very lopsided. But it's still their perception--and that's all that matters to them for now.

6:59 graceful: Cricket: you are right. I am going to stop giving my H more power than he really has. He has asked me to stop calling him dear and babe or all the words of endearment but wants me to be friends and I took his criticism positively


7:00 graceful: Yes cricket I will contact Lisa about getting on the support group email

7:00 kmkrn1: faithful - he moved back home Oct. 2006, but was "still unhappy" for 10-12 months after that. Now he is REALLY home--mentally & physically!

7:01 MarySarah: Jim if after 2 or maybe more years, the ow still seems in control & plays the needy yet attentive roll will MLCer get sick of their expecting all they lavishing to continue & will H get sick rescuing ow or sick of ow constantly being attached @ hip

7:01 sadwife1: Praise God kmkrn. That is so wonderful. God is so good!

7:01 BlueSky: MarySarah, you have been on my mind, haven't seen you for a week or two. Are you okay?

7:01 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - YES it' s so important to keep us on our steady path - remain consistent & don't let him push your buttons. He is the one lost & struggling & he will be drawn to you as he sees you remain strong & sees your peace. Keep growing & trusting the Lord.

7:01 MarySarah: Jim cont esp if it starts interfering with H & kids spending time alone without her?

7:05 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 7:01 MarySarah: I encourage you to keep working on your issues because some of the glamour of the other woman will start to fade. Also your husband will likely have growing needs to connect more with the children.

7:01 graceful: Dr. Conway I made a lot of mistakes in our M but my H never admits what his contribution to the state of our M is he just blames me for everything and I do not understand why he does these things

7:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 7:01 graceful: just keep concentrating on your issues and allow God to continue the process of bringing awareness to your husband. Right now he is afraid that if he tells you he is sorry, or has failed you, that will mean that he is going to be coming back soon - and he does not want to communicate that to you - so he ignores saying anything affirming or apologetic.

7:02 BlueSky: Kmkrn, yes go see it, it is a very nice, sweet, clean chick movie.

7:02 MAS: Cricket: I was doing fine before Christmas. Then this whole thing happened with OW and I stopped eating again. I don't have much of an appetite but I’m starting to eat.

7:02 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - This is typical behavior for mlc - They have to justify their actions by blaming us & exaggerating our issues so they can chase their fantasy.

7:02 graceful: MAS: I was in that place before and I had to take carnation instant breakfast to get calories in my body

7:03 MAS: bittersweet@6:51: Yes, I know you do. Thank you.

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - You have to force yourself to eat small amount at first but it is vital.

7:03 MarySarah: Jim 7:01 Thank you that is how I’ve tried to handle this. It's hard because they still buy it to some extent & I fear them becoming selfish controlling, demanding or greedy like the MLCer I see it in my oldest esp!

7:03 BlueSky: MAS, if you can't eat, why don't your try Ensure to at least get something in you. Or some kind of protein drink.

7:03 sadwife1: Dr. Jim do you ever see a time where you have to use "tough love" or are you totally against this concept.

7:08 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 7:03 sadwife1: There are two people involved in the midlife crisis -- one is the person who wants to save it and the other is the one who wants to get away. The "stayer" is the one who needs to be willing to change. The "runner" is looking for excuses to get away and does not want to face any of their problems. So at the beginning of trying to restore the marriage we work with the "stayer" helping them to eliminate any areas that are causing problems. As the "runner" begins to show more interest about coming back, then we encourage the couple to get involved in marriage counseling so that the problems with both people can be resolved and the marriage have a high probability of succeeding.

7:03 Plumcrazy: Cricket --I was wondering about the archives They still say Jan

7:03 BlueSky: Graceful, you beat me and had the same thoughts

7:03 MarySarah: MAS 7:03 good :)

7:04 sadwife1: I have read entire Christian books on tough love in these situations.

7:04 graceful: Cricket: my H says that he will be loyal to me and stay celibate for a year. He wants me to take care of myself. I have had a hard time finding work and he thinks I am lazy but I have now gone back to school

7:04 Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: I need to sign off for tonight, see you all later this week. Blessings to all.

7:04 sadwife1: I’m just curious... trying to obtain all the info I can.

7:04 graceful: BlueSky great minds think a like

7:04 Plumcrazy: Goodnite Swan Take care

7:05 kmkrn1: MAS - Now if we could just "bottle" the MLC diet pill--we would be BILLIONAIRES! It's the most effective diet I’ve ever been on! But it's not very healthy--take care of yourself!

7:05 graceful: SWAN have a good evening

7:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - THAT IS GREAT - going back to school really helps rebuild confidence/self esteem & helps us grow.

7:05 sbky: night all

7:05 BlueSky: kmkrn, and skinny

7:06 MarySarah: Jim 7:04 So do you ever suggest the judge suggest any mandatory psych testing or counseling as anyone with underlying issues who may need help often are last to get it?

7:06 BlueSky: Jim, thank you again, and have a wonderful warm anniversary.

7:06 graceful: Cricket: I want to stop my H from pursuing the D He says that I can stop him from pursuing the D. He told me to listen to an old sermon from my church called the power of a woman. I will take a look at it

7:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: kmkrn -Yes I lost too much weight when my H's mlc hit. I wasn't over weight when mlc hit but got way too thing in those first many months.

7:07 bittersweet: graceful: Good news

7:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Thanks everyone for being in the chat room today. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. It's been fun talking with you today. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim. James 4:8, Draw near to God and He will draw near

7:07 kmkrn1: Thanks Jim--Happy Anniversary!!! I don't get a "free" Monday night usually, so it was fun to see you tonight!

7:08 sadwife1: Thanks all! Prayers to everyone!

7:08 MarySarah: Jim 7:05 Good! My kids are starting to notice when OW annoys him & controls or manipulates him & youngest dtr is getting VERY resentful of ow & feeling left out by H & is almost competing with ow & asserting herself as daddy's little girl thing

7:08 graceful: Dr Conway, you are absolutely right because he refuses to commit himself or promise anything to me

7:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - Jim advises to do nothing to help him get his divorce - different states are different in laws. But check into this and then remind him if he complains that he'd ask you to help in this way

7:08 LisaK [Programmer]: I’m back in as myself now.

7:09 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - Jim has left the building... starting on celebrating his anniversary already I’m sure

7:09 MarySarah: Cricket did you see my questions @ 7:06 & 7:08, what do you think?

7:09 bittersweet: MAS: Stay strong. You can do it sister.

7:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lisa - I forgot about that, but actually glad he saw that due to the content.

7:10 BlueSky: all, oh to be in Hawaii right now.

7:10 LisaK [Programmer]: All - time to close for the night. I’m sure thankful we had CRICKET AND SWANLAKE

7:10 graceful: cricket: I am in GA and my attorney said I cannot do anything unless I have been served. It has been 30 days since he filed and I say Hallelujah to God for delaying the process. I got a word from the Lord about when he will come back

7:10 Saam: Cricket: do you think that it is a good thing or a bad thing to email H to tell him what all is going on with me...or should I be as silent as he is being?

7:10 MarySarah: MAS sorry I missed you this weekend we were out of town I'll try catch up soon. If you want, I'll call after chat?

7:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - No I didn't, still catching up on various questions.

7:10 Plumcrazy: goodnight all

7:10 BlueSky: graceful, what was your word?

7:11 LisaK [Programmer]: ALL - continued: here to help us tonight. I don't think I’ve ever lost track of the day and totally forgot about chat like I did tonight. Sorry about that. I was so proud of Jim for getting it going without me in the beginning.

7:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - DO NOTHING to help your H move the d forward. Start there ... also never respond sooner than required

7:11 Plumcrazy: Lisa---will chat archives be updated?

7:11 graceful: Cricket: My H said that if I do not contest the D he will take care of me but if I do he will take me to the cleaners and I am like this is not from God why should I concede. I may prepare my horses for battle but the Lord gives me victory

7:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: Saam - It is good to stay connected but keep things light - don't ask relationship questions - Stay in touch like you would with a close friend.

7:11 bittersweet: All: Lisa K: Thanks for all your help esp. in the beginning of all this that started for me. I don't take it for granted.

7:11 MAS: graceful: Yes, I know. Cricket and everyone has been suggesting that I try some Ensure.

7:12 graceful: Okay Cricket I will do my best to slow down the process

7:12 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - Jim says do what you can to stall divorce but let your attorney be the bad guy... I actually told my H that my attorney said that she had to look out for me & do her job as I still loved the guy.

7:12 MarySarah: MAS Boost tastes a bit better than ensure, we use it in the hospitals now

7:12 graceful: Cricket I need some accountability partners to keep me honest and true to myself

7:13 Saam: Cricket...even if he doesn't respond? I just think that he is probably deleting everything that he sees is from me unless I tag it as being about our bills!

7:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - I marked any questions for me - didn't see any from you. If you mean questions you had for Jim, didn't mark those.

7:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: Mary Sarah - Now we are about to close so won't have tine

7:14 LisaK [Programmer]: Thank you Lord for this time together to share encouragement and advice with each other. Please move me and Jim, and our facilitators, out of the way, and let your light shine through to touch everyone here tonight, and who reads this in the archives. Let your goodness and perfect plan for each of our lives carry out and move forward Lord, from this moment on. Thank you for Jesus, and the love He has for us to die for our sins. Help us all to go forward changing and growing, and not worrying about our spouses or the other person that may be in their lives. Bless us with a deep understanding that You know the big picture and what's best for us, and thus a deep trust in you Father. Thank You for all things that You bring us to and through. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

7:14 graceful: Well Cricket I need to come up with some mean cash to secure the retainer for the attorney

7:14 MAS: kmkrn1@7:05: Yes, it certainly is!

7:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - You have all of us to help keep you honest & true to yourself

7:15 graceful: Thanks Cricket I really appreciate the support.

7:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: 7:12 graceful - hopefully you can get a free consultation from an attorney to ask how you can stop H as he said.

7:15 BlueSky: graceful, can you answer quickly what your word was ?

7:15 MarySarah: graceful 7:11 My lawyer calls that blowing smoke. Those are threats & he is being deceived by enemy don't listen to truth always speak truth in love & try to hear grains truth if any in what H says don't argue just acknowledge how he feels & be calm

7:15 cheyanne: how long is chat on Mondays

7:15 LisaK [Programmer]: 7:11 Plumcrazy: now that they're back up again, I need to get them completed and posted. Sorry for the delay. I should be able to get a bunch on there tonight, so check back tomorrow.

7:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: 7:13 Saam: Generally they can't help but look & it does plant thought of you with him.

7:15 MarySarah: Cricket yes they were ? to Jim

7:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - It's after time to close so we need to wrap up questions.

7:15 graceful: I already got the free consult and can speak with the attorney on the phone that is what I have been doing

7:16 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - I don't have time to watch questions for Jim as too hard to keep up that way

7:16 Saam: Good night All...thanks Cricket!

7:16 Plumcrazy: Lisa—didn’t mean to rush you. Was wondering if it had to do with th other issues with chat

7:16 Cricket [Facilitator]: Graceful - That helps to have the consult.

7:16 graceful: Well Cricket I will contact Lisa about getting your email

7:16 LisaK [Programmer]: 7:11 bittersweet: You're welcome. I’m glad you got plugged into the chat room. This is where you will get great support and encouragement.

7:16 Cricket [Facilitator]: Saam - Take care

7:16 graceful: Good Night

7:17 MAS: MarySarah: Maybe we can talk tomorrow?? I still have to try and eat something tonight.

7:17 Cricket [Facilitator]: Lisa - Bittersweet is doing very well - she had joined ESG but has dropped but still trying to help others to give back.

7:17 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - YES do eat - I will nag you, you know.

7:17 LisaK [Programmer]: 7:16 Plumcrazy: No, just that the website has been acting up over the past week. It's been very frustrating on this end. Just pray for the website to stay strong and connected at this point. It keeps reverting back to midliferetreat.com, and messing things up.

7:18 MarySarah: MAS 7:17 ok! relax & enjoy take hot bubble bath too & play nice music & light some candles

7:18 MAS: Thank you, Cricket and everyone. Have a good night.

7:19 LisaK [Programmer]: Ok all, I’m closing down so I can work on getting the chats on the site. Good night all. The room will kick you out in a few seconds now.

7:19 LisaK [Programmer]: Goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

7:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Okay but I want your promise to eat frequently - small amounts - & start with a little walk outside - even just a little - okay?

7:20 MarySarah: God bless all & sweet sleep! XOXOXO

7:20 MAS: MarySarah: Thank you so much. And thank you for your prayers and concern. I'll talk to you real soon.

7:20 Cricket [Facilitator]: Nite All

7:20 LisaK [Programmer]: It's ok, I was going to do it anyways. But a little pressure never hurts. :O) love you!

7:21 Plumcrazy: love you TOO LISA

7:21 MAS: Cricket: I WILL eat...don't know how often, though. Can't promise about the walks.

7:01 graceful: Dr. Conway I made a lot of mistakes in our M but my H never admits what his contribution to the state of our M is he just blames me for everything and I do not understand why he does these things

7:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: 7:01 graceful: just keep concentrating on your issues and allow God to continue the process of bringing awareness to your husband. Right now he is afraid that if he tells you he is sorry, or has failed you, that will mean that he is going to be coming back soon - and he does not want to communicate that to you - so he ignores saying anything affirming or apologetic.

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