Midlife Dimensions


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Dec. 14, 2009 / with Jim Conway

6:23 kbird: Dr Conway: Yes, our divorce was final in September. My husband said he did it to protect me, because he is having financial problems. He cried through the hearing...his emotions tend to upset me when we are together.

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: kbird: Since you are divorced, it is appropriate to set reasonable boundaries, and remember in this process to speak the truth with love and respect. Keep the door open by being friendly, but not so friendly that he has a key to your house, he reads your email, etc. etc.

6:42 CindyJ: Jim, I have a ? for you. How does a man say things like..."You know me. I’m a man of my word" and then leave his wife for another woman? Does he really not understand what he just said?

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: CindyJ: Many midlife men have trouble sorting out right from wrong and some of them feel that they are beyond anyone's questioning -- that they can make the rules as they go along.

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6:01 LisaK [Programmer]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he’ll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via Paypal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Hi Everyone. Jan and I got back to Northern Michigan on late Friday night. On Saturday, Jan had a big book signing event in a local bookstore. Then, Sunday, Jan and I spoke at a local church in the Petoskey, MI, area. We used power point and both of us teaching. It was extremely well received and Jan did another book signing after the service. About 50 people bought books. There's a foot of snow on the ground here, and it is continuing to snow, but I’m in a warm house and ready to interact with any of your questions. What should we talk about?

6:02 MAS: Hello all.

6:02 Swanlake: Hello everyone

6:11 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Bethel, WELCOME! I can't remember if we've met. I’m Jim Conway, President of Midlife Dimensions. This room is here to encourage you and answer questions you have about your current situation. Important: Do NOT share personal information such as an email or home address, phone #, or any names. Here’s how to join in: 1) Type the name of the person you want to speak to followed by your entry. 2) You’re limited to 250 keystrokes per entry. If your entry is long, then click “chat” to post it and start your next entry with the word “continued”. 3) Type “To All” if you have a general entry not directed to one person. 4) If you’d like to contact someone in the room, email or call us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 714-768-1777. We’ll have them contact you to exchange information.

6:06 bethel: Dr Jim: Why does h threaten d but does not file? Should I be encouraged that he hasn't filed yet?

6:12 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bethel: Sometimes men will threaten to file a divorce as a way to show that they are really unhappy with the marriage relationship. The solution is to understand his new needs at midlife and try to solve any complaints with the marriage - or with you. How you’re doing in these 3 areas? Midlife men complain that their wives: 1) are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children): 2) are overweight, out of shape, and don’t care about physical appearance. (Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man’s life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn’t have to beg): and 3) have not had a new thought since they got married. (They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man.)

6:07 BlueSky: bethel, good question

6:12 Swanlake: Jim - I was just looking at the travel schedule and boy are you guys staying busy. I hope you will at least slow down a tad for the holiday. Will you be spending it in the snow or sand? Either place surrounded by family is all that matters.

6:14 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Swanlake: We will be staying in Northern Michigan through January 1st. It's good to be back here after being on the road since October the 20th. Thanks for caring about us, and I appreciate your massive help and input into so many lives.

6:12 bittersweet: Dr. Conway: what about I made it 7 weeks this time with without saying anything. Then he opened up to me and in the process he pulled it out of me about the OW with his questions. Now I have to start over. wish I would have said things different.

6:16 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bittersweet: Wow - turning this problem over to God really caused your husband to change. But then he threw out a test to you and sadly you dropped back into the old style again. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, surrender it to God, and start again to keep quiet.

6:14 bethel: Dr Jim: thank you for your chat. I have been in the chat a few times and have been encouraged and have learned lots.

6:14 faithfull: Jim my h who said had not money went to London to meet with OW. Told me he was in love with her and was going to file for divorce as soon as he had the money. How can I still stand with all this? He has not talked to me or his kids. We have had no contact now for about 3 weeks.

6:18 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: You can only do all that God asks you to do. 1) Pray intensely for God to work in his life. 2) Discover your husband's needs, and why he wants to be away from you. and 3) change anything that you can change to better meet his needs.

6:16 bethel: Dr .Jim: Answers 1. I am controlling and make him go "to the grocery store" and run errands. That's the reason he gave me for wanting a divorce.
Answer 2: I’m in great shape and a attractive woman. H not interested in sex when I initiated. (Found out in Oct involved in ow)
Answer 3: I started a successful business within the last 2-3 years.

6:20 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bethel: Probably the controlling issue is viewed by your husband as domineering and a violation of his manhood. Work on building his self image with truthful statements about why you think he is such a great guy.

6:16 Swanlake: faithful - our trust and faith is in God not our husband's, all you can do is continue to pray and grow yourself. Many of us here have spouses who have divorced us and/or married the other person, you just do as God directs you and take your eyes

6:17 Swanlake: faithful - continued - off what your husband is or isn't doing.

6:18 kbird: Dr Conway: My friends are telling me I need to set boundaries with my Ex and my counselor says he needs to "reap what he has sown" this goes against some of the things you have said so I am questioning who to listen too.

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: kbird: In order to answer your question, I need to know if you are officially divorced from your husband.

6:20 bittersweet: Dr. Jim Conway: He told me it was not risky to answer his questions so I took a chance and it backfired. He told me we did not take steps backwards and he loved me just as much right then as the night before. Then he was cold all day which is the opposite of what he said. Was unloving and didn't want to cuddle and make love like he has been 2 or 3 times a day. then the next morning he wanted to do all that . He changed overnight. What’s with that?

6:25 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bittersweet: Midlife is a time of great instability for men. It is also a time where there are growing needs for affection, but also a feeling that he may be being taken advantage of. So it's a confusing time for everyone.

6:20 Swanlake: kbird - when speaking to your counselor, ensure that they are talking about the natural effect of reaping and sowing, not you creating the punishment, but leaving it to God. As for the boundaries, we should all have boundaries with every person we

6:21 faithfull: Jim how can I change to better meet his needs. I have been nothing but graceful and nice to him. I am at a lost now and I feel all I can do now is pray.

6:22 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: What are his needs which you may feel that you are not fully meeting.

6:22 Swanlake: kbird - continued - deal with, it is what allows us not to feel taken advantage of. A great book for establishing boundaries is by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Very helpful in explaining what a true boundary is verses what so many seem to think

6:22 kbird: Swanlake: No he wasn't suggesting that I do anything in revenge. He was simply stating that he shouldn't have me as a support being that he chose to be out of my life.

6:23 bethel: Dr Jim: if we are not talking, how do I restart a link? We have no kids.

6:26 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bethel: When was the last time you talked and what did you talk about?

6:23 Swanlake: kbird - continued - it should be, boundaries are not punishment based, but they do have consequences when violated. Example: you inform your spouse you will not continue to remain in a conversation where you are being verbally attacked and if he

6:23 kbird: Dr Conway: Yes, our divorce was final in September. My husband said he did it to protect me, because he is having financial problems. He cried through the hearing...his emotions tend to upset me when we are together.

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: kbird: Since you are divorced, it is appropriate to set reasonable boundaries, and remember in this process to speak the truth with love and respect. Keep the door open by being friendly, but not so friendly that he has a key to your house, he reads your email, etc. etc.

To all: This is Lisa the Office Manager. I just want to remind you that if you have a private question you don’t wish to discuss here, please consider scheduling a 1-on-1 phone counseling session with Jim. Contact us at 714-768-1777 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to set up a session. You can find information on phone counseling on our website: www.midlife.com. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to donate to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you.

6:24 Swanlake: kbird - continued - should continue to show the disrespect, then you inform him that you love and care for him very much, however, until he can speak to you with the respect you deserve, you are leaving and will not speak with him.

6:24 faithfull: Jim he wants space, he wants to find himself. Does not want a nagging wife, one who appreciate him and respect him. I have given him space and have not made any contact with him. What makes me hurt is he says he wants to see where things would lead with OW and does not care about the consequences.

6:31 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: He is clearly telling you that one of the issues that he did not like in your marriage was your nagging and somehow he felt disrespected. Now is the time to give him some space and let God work on his spirit.

6:28 bittersweet: Dr. Conway: I don't understand ...The being taken advantage of in the case I told you.

6:32 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bittersweet: could you clarify your question at 6:28 please.

6:28 Plumcrazy: Swan—Found out H went to Dr, when I picked up his prescription at pharmacy. they changed his cholesterol med cause it was causing elevate liver enzyme

6:28 steadfast: all: Hello

6:28 Plumcrazy: Swan_But I asked him if he talked to Dr about his other problem he said no why should he

6:28 kbird: Swan: Funny I just bought that book a week ago and read it in 2 nights. It was very helpful, I realized that "doing the right thing" isn't always the right thing.

6:30 bethel: Dr Jim: Thx for asking. I saw him at the ins agent's office. He was paying his car ins and thanked me for taking care of the ins. This was the 1st time I had seen him since finding out about OW. I lashed out and said I hadn't taken care his ins. We have not spoken for approx 2 months in all or emailed

6:35 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bethel: Maybe we should talk by phone about what you can do to reconnect.

6:30 Swanlake: plumcrazy - that is good that he at least went for the one thing, hopefully he will begin to feel like addressing the other issues soon. Remember to be careful not to begin to sound like you are nagging him about seeing the doctor. I know you are

6:31 steadfast: Jim: Legal proceedings will be resuming in January after a 2 1/2 year intermission. The lawyer is not sure that she will reenter the collaborative process but may just handle the situation herself. (Collaborative is where h and self work things out with our lawyers present.) She will see how things go re her initial contact with h lawyer and h response before deciding which route to take to divide assets--laws are changing can't wait further to my detriment. Not divorcing. Would you recommend no further communication with h outside of being with my lawyer at this time until things settled?

6:37 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: steadfast: Since I am not a lawyer and I’m especially not familiar with Canadian law, it's hard for me to comment at all on your situation. You might want to find a 2nd lawyer in order to get a 2nd opinion.

6:31 Plumcrazy: Swan_I need you to kick my butt. I heard H talking to his Dad on the phone talking about a certain woman’s name. the name of the girl he was supposed to marry back home but it is also the name of a cousin of his'

6:31 Lia: Jim Hope you & Jan are well! My H called tonight to discuss Christmas gifts for kids. Last year I even picked something up last min for him to give He was pleasant & we actually talked almost 10 min. Is that good or another way get what he wants & look good? He was alone driving home from work @ time I believe & not with ow

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: I think the contact over the Christmas present is a good opportunity for both of you to get an emotional look at each other without any commitment. Keep trusting God to see what God does with this.

6:31 Swanlake: plumcrazy - continued - only concerned, however, he will start to see it more as parenting, which they often view as controlling and naggy.

6:31 Plumcrazy: Swan-I want to ask him if he was asking about old girlfriend. He has been listening to old love songs from his country

6:32 kbird: Swan: My biggest problem is I make myself available to him at all times, even when it is not in my best interested (at work) which sometimes throws me off for the day.

6:33 Swanlake: Plumcrazy - consider it kicked! Now stop "hearing" your husband talking to other people, leave the room if you need to, heck leave the house - go for a walk, but it is honestly better not to over hear things at this time in his life.

6:33 Plumcrazy: Swan after I asked about if he told the Dr about the other problem and he responded the way he did I dropped it

6:33 faithfull: Jim that is what I have done left him in Gods hand. I fast weekly and have been in prayer for our family. I am working on my nagging and disrespect. Why would h separate himself not just from me but his children also. At one time he told him he did not have feelings for them at time.

6:40 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: During this interim, work specifically on not being controlling or impatient with anybody -- store clerks, family and friends, and even casual acquaintances. The goal is that everyone will see that you are not a perfectionistic controlling pushy person.

6:34 kbird: Swan: I have suggested that he doesn't contact me at work, but it continues. I don't want to cut off all communication, but I believe that may be what it takes. Of course, with that there is no chance of reconciliation.

6:34 jankb: Hello all I’m new here

6:34 Lia: Kbird Your marriage sounds similar to mine I did everything H asked & it wasn't ever enough but it isn't always right thing, esp if H has developmental gaps emotionally from childhood, he is very selfish or takes advantage I was an enabler some ways

6:34 bittersweet: Dr. Jim Conway: At 6:25 you mention he may be feeling that he is being taken advantage of.

6:42 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bittersweet: Most midlife men feel that people are taking advantage of them, and that no one really cares about their needs.

6:34 Lia: Athena Hey girl!

6:34 Swanlake: Plumcrazy - NO QUESTIONS about old, current, future girlfriends, it will only drive a huge wedge between the two of you and since he has been open to affection with you lately, cuddling, etc. do you really want to take 50 steps backwards?

6:34 jankb: hello Athena

6:34 Athena: I am SO excited to FINALLY make a chat!

6:35 Plumcrazy: Swan_NO I don’t

6:35 Plumcrazy: Athena-Was just thinking about you!!!

6:35 Lia: Jim I am utilizing a coach with Divorcebusters. Now she feels I rescued H a lot & with a long ago "indiscretion" that I completely looked past it too easily & H didn't have chance to make some restitution or pay penance some. Says seems his increasing anger to more kindness may indicate how unworthy he feels?

6:44 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: Remember that forgiveness is not necessarily rescuing, and yes it is true that many midlife men feel ashamed, anger, and guilt because they are now focusing on meeting their own need.

6:36 faithfull: Athena @ 6:35 I know the feeling I do not make it to chat as much as I would like to.

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Jankb, WELCOME!

6:36 bethel: Jankb: welcome!

6:36 faithfull: Lia is Divorcebuster helping you.

6:36 Plumcrazy: Athena --- What have you been doing? I was so encouraged by what I read in your emails about your M and H! PTL!!!!

6:37 Athena: Hi Plum! How are you?!

6:37 bethel: Dr Jim: OK, I'll call it setup time. thx

6:37 Athena: I am OK. When they come home, they still cycle a bit but as the days go by it does get better.

6:37 Swanlake: kbird - unfortunately when we drop everything and they are aware of it, it tends to cause them to show even more disrespect as they begin to act like spoiled two year olds. As long as you have a valid reason, affirm, then say no with explanation

6:38 kbird: Dr. Conway: My Ex often asks for hugs when he picks up or drops off the children, I enjoy his affection because I still love him, but it really doesn't seem appropriate to continue doing this--it just seems to keep me on the hook and waiting. Also, I find it odd that my ex will come and help me with things. I was having friends over last weekend when he dropped the children, he cleared the snow from my sidewalks, and repaired a switch for me, is this to offset the guilt?

6:45 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: kbird: What you are describing are the typical actions of a man who is trying to carefully test to see if there is a possibility to fully come back into the marriage. He is also testing to see if any of your changes are really lasting. So this testing of the waters will go on for some weeks or months.

6:38 Athena: Cricket's always very helpful with how to handle things and, of course, God is working His magic for all of us!

6:38 jankb: Thank you .I'm going through a divorce now as we speak. It will be final Jan1.I didn't want this at all but he filed after he left for the 3rd time 7 mos. ago

6:39 Swanlake: kbird - does he call your cell phone or your office phone? If it is your cell, explain to him that you love hearing from him, if you will leave you a message, you will call him back during you next break. If it is your office phone, simply say that

6:39 Lia: Faithful 6:36 I think so. I like my coach. My counselor was good too & I have 2 close insightful friends who say much same, but Divorcebusters is solution specific & going forward specific ways change reaction, boundaries, etc healing getting life, etc...

6:39 Plumcrazy: All-I am feeling really bad (sick) Why is it when I feel like this DOUBTs creep in and I say things I shouldn’t? At least with the 2 things I have said I stopped and didn’t go on to say more!

6:40 Athena: Swan is right Plum about speaking about girlfriends! My H still hates to talk about any of that, even though he's backtracked a bit while he's home & I find out & get physically ill & want to know why. you're best to just pray & vent w/friends & not them.

6:40 faithfull: Lia is it expensive.

6:40 Swanlake: kbird - continued - you are glad he is thinking of you, however, you are in the middle of work and will need to call him back during your next break.

6:40 Athena: I LOVED Jan's book. Has anyone else read that yet?

6:41 Lia: Faithful In some ways I was incapable for while to do a lot of what needed to do because pain & it is VERY against my nature not to reach out to H or anyone. My neighbor says it's almost too altruistic I am easily disappointed when others are cruel

6:41 Plumcrazy: Honeygurl- How are you Sweetie?

6:41 steadfast: Jim: I was just wondering not from a legal point of view but just from the stand that I am thinking h will think that is weird that we are in the middle of legal proceedings and I am still trying to be friends with him and send him encouraging words. In the collaborative process we are suppose to talk and try to work things out in or out of the lawyer's office.

6:46 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: steadfast: Remember that having a legal conflict doesn't mean that you have to be nasty to each other.

6:41 Athena: My H is sitting next to me right now so if anyone has any ?'s for the MLCer please ask me & I'll ask him for you! I've got him going back to church again :)

6:42 Plumcrazy: Athena@6:40 Thank you I will just do that Vent here!

6:42 CindyJ: Jim, I have a ? for you. How does a man say things like..."You know me. I’m a man of my word" and then leave his wife for another woman? Does he really not understand what he just said?

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: CindyJ: Many midlife men have trouble sorting out right from wrong and some of them feel that they are beyond anyone's questioning -- that they can make the rules as they go along.

6:42 Lia: Faithful Nobody in my family or our community & life bickered, grabbed power, was purposely cruel or held grudges. My H was very controlling & critical this was devastating for me to try to adapt to. He never really saw or accepted anything about me

6:43 Athena: EVERYONE I know the advice sometimes given here doesn't seem to make sense BUT it DOES work. When I act like I've learned to act thru Jim's books & the guidance I get here it works but when I go back to what I'd do w/out knowing the right way to hand

6:43 bethel: athena: ask your h if MLC think about their spouse at all when separated

6:43 Athena: ...handle things it upsets my H & we end up backtracking & I wish I had not gone down that road

6:44 Lia: Faithful I am trying learn different ways to respond to difficult people. Most time, those people are truly just unbelievably damaged & we aren't equipped with ways to respond to this kind of person I think

6:44 faithfull: Athena when they say they do not love what is that all about.

6:44 HoneyGurl: Lia @ 6:31 What did you and H discuss about presents? Are you buying them together?

6:44 Athena: Yes Plum vent here & I am here to listen to you if you need to vent

6:44 Plumcrazy: JIM_The other nite H went to bed early I asked if he was feeling ok as he has been having some major issues but won’t see Dr. H said he just wanted to lie down with his thoughts. I asked if I could snuggle with him H said would not bother him I did

6:49 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: These are again, examples of the early steps of trying to test the situation for possible reconnection.

6:45 Lia: Athena 6:37 I would like mine to get off the "angry" train & start cycling to the nice guy a bit

6:45 faithfull: Lia that is what I am trying to do and practice with my kids. Also try not to loose it with my sisters and try to be kind at work.

6:45 steadfast: CindyJ: I can certainly identify with that one. My h left me and then was with ow and the next thing he was telling me was to trust him re our bank accounts. My MIL said about the same thing. I don't think either of them grasped the gravity of it

6:45 kbird: Lia: I have wondered the same thing....it seems that he is okay with being divorced, but he just wants me to be happy about it. He is paying me 2 1/2 times what his child support should be, he gave me everything, house , cars etc. He is a pleaser

6:46 Athena: Bethel my H says when he was away from home he thought abt. me & our children all the time

6:46 faithfull: Athena did you h have ow

6:46 Swanlake: plumcrazy - it is a proven fact that no one person can meet ALL of our needs, including our spouses. For this reason people who have balanced relationships with many people find they have the least amount of chaos. As Athena says, vent with us.

6:47 CindyJ: steadfast, it's amazing isn't it? The things they say and do....and then they want our respect. Only by the grace of God!

6:47 Lia: Jim 6:38 I am trying to "drop the rope" it's unfortunately where we are. My H it seems has lied a lot about money & my lawyer may have me go back to court over marital money he used & then lied about having other funds to pay the bills he listed. I am sure he'll get angry again, but He has increasing business opportunities happening & still has all he had before , no losses for him. How will he ever change & grow when everything is going so easily & OW is along for ride & convenient

6:51 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: Remember that his rope and the resolution of his problems, are not your responsibility. Follow your lawyer's counsel if your husband has to face some responsibilities.

6:47 bethel: Dr Jim: is what you said at 6:46 to kbird also true for what kbird said at 6:45?

6:47 steadfast: Jim: When our h see us still wearing our wedding rings and still trying to keep in touch with them--does it not say to them that we just don't get it and aren't willing to let go of them. Do they not see us as still clinging??

6:53 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: steadfast: wearing your wedding rings can be a statement of commitment or of anger and punishment, or an indication of pathetic clinging. You make the choice of the message you want to send with that.

6:47 Athena: Faithful my H does not understand what you mean by that? he would say to me I love you but I’m not in love w/you anymore

6:47 HoneyGurl: Athena @ 6:46 do you think they all think about their wife and kids?

6:48 faithfull: Lia I also practice with my son. Not being so bossy and pushy. I ask him to do something and leave it alone if he does not do it.

6:48 steadfast: CindyJ: You are right! I agree with Jim at 6:47 too.

6:48 faithfull: Athena h tells me he care about me deeply but does not love me. What am I suppose to do with that. He is in love with ow.

6:48 Plumcrazy: JIM _The other nite I was having dinner with H and Dtr. Out of the blue H started saying things like: The Jehovah's witnesses were her looking for you. I asked them how much of a donation it would take for them to take you with them. Then Dtr asked her Dad to take her to a fencing meet. H said yes then he said he would sit with all the single MOMS and go That's my D!

6:56 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: It's best to always take things like these as a joke.

6:48 CindyJ: Jim @ 6:47....thank you. In mlc...that makes sense.

6:48 Athena: Lia How are you gorgeous, perfect girl! Your H is still in the depressed stage I'll bet he'd rather be the BAD guy than the SAD guy. Does anyone know how long that stage is? It is very difficult to deal w/them when they're like that

6:49 HoneyGurl: Hello Kathy and sugarmama

6:49 Lia: Faithful 6:40 A lot less than some places Little $120/hr I think

6:49 kbird: Swan: He tends to send email which last week I decided to block and then he called to see if I was okay. He left a message and I decided not to return...however today I did and he sent 7 more email. Things that could have waited.

6:49 bethel: athena Thx for 6:46. Ask him what was the single most important thing you did that helped him come back

6:50 sugarmama: Dr Jim my H has been away for 5 months still living with son he still says he doesn’t know what he wants he knows son is tired of rooming and he knows his entire family wants him home I need advice

6:57 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: sugarmama: perhaps it's time for your son to have a man to man talk with your husband about moving out so that the son can have his own space.

6:50 Jo2: faithfull - He is not in love with her as much as he is in lust with her. They do have 'inner' feelings for us, even as they are pursuing the excitement they feel with the ow.

6:50 Kathy215: Jim: I just got home from an overnight trip with my H. We had such a great time - even spent all day together today. I know he will pull away again now. I think that he still feels as if he wants to date other people, though.

6:58 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Kathy215: It's best to think of this time that you are just dating your husband and not trying to be too possessive of him.

6:51 steadfast: 6:46: I agree with you 100% re 6:46 and I try to stay on friendly terms with my h even though we have to settle the matters re our assets however, he complained to our s that being separated means that we don't /shouldn't communicate. Not sure how to handle this situation when I hear that coming back to me via s.

6:58 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: steadfast: I think you're on the right track. Give everybody a little space and a little time for the healing process.

6:51 Lia: Athena 6:41 PTL I am so blessed by your story & tell your H I am overjoyed @ how God is working in his life. He climbed a huge hurdle coming home & that is awesome!

6:51 jankb: I have a ? for Dr. Jim. My H is w Bipolor/alcoholic. She wants to marry him and I was wondering if you think this marriage will last?

7:00 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: jankb: Bipolar people are fun to date because they're so energetic. But they are horrible to live with because they also get deeply depressed.

6:51 Plumcrazy: Athena@6:47 THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT MY H HAS SAID TO ME Ask your H why he said that?

6:52 Athena: HoneyGurl y H says that when you're gone from your wife & kids you miss them, you wonder what they're doing, you carry a lot of guilt abt. what you're doing, you wonder abt. the hurt you've caused

6:52 Swanlake: kbird - just as with children MLCers seem to have unrealistic moments of urgency when it comes to things that have popped into their minds, mostly because if they don't seek it now, they might very well forget it. However, when it comes to them

6:52 Swanlake: kbird - continued - responding, they are often very slow, feeling pressured. It is such a scrambled mess.

6:53 sugarmama: he says he doesn’t want to come home just to make everyone happy he has cut himself off from co workers some of which has been friends since high school very obvious last sat at Christmas party he only stared down at table no visiting this is a black tie affair I am worried he refused talk therapy and will not take meds every day(antidepressant)

7:01 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: sugarmama: I would be glad if your husband would take his antidepressants, because that would give him a different perspective on life. Right now he is making decisions out of his anger and depression.

6:53 Lia: Athena Ask your H how will my H ever have reason to come home, we had nice life he had it all & now the ow is @ beck & call & he still is prospering. H anger is high what will help me break through his walls & cruelty?

6:53 CindyJ: Good night everyone! Have a blessed week!

6:53 Plumcrazy: JIM@6:49 I didn’t respond. Except to tell D not to encourage her D. She said she didn’t want to grow up I said then you and Dad can stay stuck at 15 together. They both laughed

7:02 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: I’m proud of you for being able to make a joke out of the situation.

6:54 Athena: Bethel my H says he really does not know if it was something I did but it was rather like the light sort of turned back on in his mind. He is also saying the nice e-mails I would sent him abt. things like,

6:54 faithfull: Athena what happen to make your husband want to come back?

6:54 kbird: Dr. Conway: How do I carefully set boundaries to protect my heart and not completely disconnect from him? I would really like to stop communication for a little while just to allow myself to heal.

7:02 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: kbird: It's ok to disconnect for awhile so that you can heal. Remember that love can grow again after everyone has healed.

6:54 HoneyGurl: Athena & H @ 6:52 Thank you both so very much. I am so very happy for you both.

6:55 Lia: Cindy J 6:42 Double talk That's satan using H Satan is father of lies, a thief & murderer! Our H have to believe their lies it's what their new life is built on & justifies their bad choices When they see truth the house they are building will fall f

6:55 Athena: "I forgive you." "I don't judge you." and also him knowing that he had the right to come back and that the door was open for him to come back. He says the worst thing to do is to be mean or to fight because then he thinks the H will say "It's her! It

6:56 Athena: when you're kind he says it forces the H to rethink his blame towards his wife & they come to realize "It's maybe not her. It's maybe me that's screwed up here."

6:56 steadfast: Jim: MY wedding rings symbolize a commitment to my marriage. I took vows not only to my h but to God. I just don't think from h end that he may be interpreting it that way.

7:03 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: steadfast: No, it seems obvious that your husband doesn't have the same view of his vow, and his tux that he rented.

6:56 Kathy215: Jim: Every time my H and I go away and things go so well I think he will tell me he wants to come home, but he talks as if he never will. But yet he does things with me and isn't seeing anyone else right now. What should I do?

7:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Kathy215: Keep committing it to God, keep growing and changing, and continue letting your husband go through this process.

6:56 bethel: athena: many thx to you and h; god bless you and your marriage

6:56 HoneyGurl: Jim @ 6:53 So do you think we should or shouldn’t wear our Wedding Rings? I never know what to do.

7:05 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: HoneyGurl: The choice of wearing your ring or not is up to you. But my concern is, you must ask yourself why am I wearing my ring. See what I wrote to Steadfast at 6:53.

6:56 Athena: You know this is basically what Jim told me to do & I am SO grateful he taught me to handle things that way

6:57 Kathy215: Athena: I am so happy for you!!

6:57 Lia: Jim 6:44 I understand that but my H has always been focused on his own needs this is not new. He says he's selfish & always gets what he wants & that he lacks compassion. The forgiveness & rescuing were 2 sep. comments from coach

7:06 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: It sounds to me as if your husband is wrestling somewhat with some of his past way of living, or he would not keep bringing this up.

6:57 faithfull: Jim and athena how do I talk to him again since he stop all communication even with his kids. Do I send him a Christmas card with picture of his kids. Would that make him angry. and with the counsel of therapist told him he could not see the kids until he could make a commitment to do them. It was affecting s5 in school really bad. I was getting notes from school and even phone calls. H just comes and goes

7:07 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: It seems to be ok to send pictures of your kids, but at the same time your 5 year old has some special need which your husband needs to respect. Your therapist is right regarding your 5 year old.

6:57 bethel: athena: did you talk a lot or email?

6:57 bethel: faithful: good ? 6:57

6:58 Athena: Thank you HoneyGurl! Thank you Bethel. I must tell you all you could make my H the POSTER CHILD for MLC! He is SO typical MLC

6:58 Athena: Thank you Kathy215

6:58 kbird: Swan: Your comment makes so much sense--he seems like he has OCD sometimes and he doesn't think rationally. I dropped the children at his house and he talking about decorating a room and within 10 minutes he was planning to sell the place.

6:59 Lia: Honeygurl 6:44 No, last year, I gave him list & day b4 Christmas, I got We fit by chance & called asked H if he wanted me get it He was grateful. He just wanted make sure no duplicates & prob wants see what I’m doing I make it big deal here H knows

6:59 bethel: Athena: I think all MLC are "classic" cases. It's as if they read a book

7:00 Athena: Faithful do you know why he stopped all communications. Do you know why it got that far w/your H?

7:00 Swanlake: kbird - they are a lot like a super ball in a small room, bouncing out of control with no real direction.

7:00 Lia: Faithful 6:45 I work with critically ill people & patience & kindness wasn't prob but with poor boundaries it allowed my H & kids treat me poorly, lose respect & enabled their bad behaviors & lack growth

7:00 jankb: Thank you for your answer sir

7:01 faithfull: Athena he went to London and did not tell anyone. My s5 was crying for him and he would answer the phone calls also s26 could not reach him. They were worry about him. We found out he was in London. He has not been consistent with the visits.

7:01 Jo2: Kathy215 - Is 215 your birthday? I sometimes wonder what numbers mean.

7:01 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: It's almost time to close up. and Before anyone logs out, I want to thank you all for coming. Please come again and invite your friends! Remember; the Sun./Wed./Fri. sessions are open to share and encourage each other, with the assistance of our trained facilitators.. The Mon. session is primarily a Q and A time with me in the room. Chat room hours are: Sunday, Wednesday and Friday: 6-7 pm Pacific Time. Monday (live chat with me): 6-7 pm Pacific Time. And don’t forget Saturdays at 1:00 pm PST.

7:02 Lia: kbird 6:45 Mine is nowhere near a pleaser unless it's wrong kind of person. Seems he takes advantage of people who accept him as is & are genuine & kind But he tries impress wrong people who are impressed with his money & position

7:02 Swanlake: All going to say goodnight, will see you all later this week.

7:02 Athena: Bethel no my H most of the time I tried to keep it very short & to the point abt. the kids or whatever so I would just be short & sweet w/him as well. Sometimes he would come by & try to talk to me. When I realized it was HIS prob not mine & would ha

7:02 Plumcrazy: Swan@7:00 A perfect description of my H!

7:02 steadfast: Jim: and all: I must say goodnight but I truly pray that you have a blessed week . Jim: Thank you so much for your wise advise. God bless you all.

7:03 faithfull: Thanks Jim for 7:02 I needed to hear that.

7:03 Athena: happened no matter what I was able to fake it til I made it of being cheerful in front of him which also made him wonder. Why is she so happy when I've just been so mean to her

7:03 Kathy215: Jo2: Yes - February 15 is my birthday!!

7:04 Plumcrazy: JIM@7:02 Thank you so much for the compliment. I am really trying to change for the better

7:04 bethel: athena: so more emails vs in person talking?

7:04 Athena: Bethel I think MLC is like a mental illness & maybe has some hormonal component to it like our menopause does

7:04 jankb: good night all and God Bless

7:04 Lia: All What Jim said @ 6:47 seems SOOOOO true the rules change constantly My lawyer is floored @ how my H makes his own rules & even thinks he can do whatever he wants regardless of legal decisions

7:05 Plumcrazy: Athena-What are you doing tomorrow? Thinking about calling you What is a good time your time to call you?

7:05 Kathy215: Jim: Thank you. You know that's not I wanted to hear, but I know it's what I need to do. I wish there was a magic pill!!

7:06 Lia: Faithful & all Dr. Andrew Gibson has 18 week book called Got an angry kid. Very good if you mess up more 4 times in week, you go back to start all neg behaviors for self & kids you try get below 4X in week!

7:06 Plumcrazy: ATHENA-Do you do Facebook or yahoo messenger?

7:06 steadfast: Lia: I hear you on that one. My h is like that he is in control and is calling the shots --doesn't seem to matter what the law says.

7:07 Lia: Athena I think he's deeply in Anger/denial & Replay It's been long time. Laneous & I talk often & she says seems H tried go into this in his 30's & stalled & now in it full force Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7:07 Lia: Athena 6:48 Thanks I needed that!

7:08 HoneyGurl: Jim @ 7:05 I want to wear them out of commitment to our marriage and vows, but am afraid that my H might think it is being clingy

7:08 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: When we close the Chat Room, I hope you’ll all take time lift each other up in prayer. Continue to grow closer to the Lord this week by reading His Word daily. I thank you for joining me today, it’s been fun talking with you. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. Warmly in Christ, Jim. (Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8)

7:08 Athena: Plum he says because he loves me but it's almost like you become in this fog & your normal process of making good decisions and the right decisions goes by the wayside

7:09 Lia: Athena If H is depressed it is definitely covert depression turning to anger, but my H will go & go to avoid pain responsibility & consequences Always something new & different & throwing away & starting over isn't prob for now

7:09 Plumcrazy: Jim-Bye Take Care Tell Jan Hello

7:09 LisaK [Programmer]: "But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit" (Psalm 86:15

7:10 steadfast: All: Said goodnight once but must sign of for sure now. Praying for you all.

7:11 Lia: Jo2 to faithful 6:50 there is a song my dtr listens to about guy asking wife’s forgiveness about he was caught up in her (ow) lust but when it all fell apart he saw light!

7:11 LisaK [Programmer]: Dear God, the tearing apart of these marriages is agonizing. I’m so glad You have the resources to help them survive from day to day. We could never do this on our own. Thank you for loving us and never forsaking us. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

7:11 kbird: Dr Conway & others: Thank you again for all your advice, have a great evening. :)

7:11 Athena: Lia he says you break thru them by understanding & saying to him, "Hey! No matter what happens I'll be there for you but if you're the one offering understanding eventually the reality of his situation will hit him & if you're the one sitting back just offering and understanding & letting him know you're there for him if he needs to talk that in time it will turn around. Sorry those were his exact words I know they sounded a bit jumbled

7:11 HoneyGurl: All, I think I am still here, but not real sure since my name is gone, and it said that I said goodbye earlier? Weird!!!!!!!!!!!

7:12 LisaK [Programmer]: Sorry everyone. I have to rush off to try and make it to my daughter's performance before she goes on . The show started at 7 pm.

7:12 Lia: Jim 6:51 Will do, seems that is ONLY way my H will feel anything He held my support 2 weeks with ct order & told others he knew has pay it sometime but he was going mess with it until I turned in papers which I did LONG time ago He thinks with sep

7:12 LisaK [Programmer]: Don't forget, come back on Wednesday night to chat with our brilliant facilitators.

6:23 kbird: Dr Conway: Yes, our divorce was final in September. My husband said he did it to protect me, because he is having financial problems. He cried through the hearing...his emotions tend to upset me when we are together.

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: kbird: Since you are divorced, it is appropriate to set reasonable boundaries, and remember in this process to speak the truth with love and respect. Keep the door open by being friendly, but not so friendly that he has a key to your house, he reads your email, etc. etc.

6:42 CindyJ: Jim, I have a ? for you. How does a man say things like..."You know me. I’m a man of my word" and then leave his wife for another woman? Does he really not understand what he just said?

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: CindyJ: Many midlife men have trouble sorting out right from wrong and some of them feel that they are beyond anyone's questioning -- that they can make the rules as they go along.

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