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Nov. 16, 2009 / with Jim Conway

6:16 Kathy215: Jim: He was calling me fairly often. Then we went away overnight in October and had a great time. Since then he's pulled away. He said it was so comfortable being with me and he's afraid he would fall back into it.

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Kathy215: This is secret talk for saying that the situation has not changed enough so that I feel comfortable. Why is your husband not comfortable with you, and how can you change any part of that?
6:27 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: TO EVERYONE IN THE ROOM: You often hear me talking about surrendering your stresses to God. Rick Warren's wife, Kay, has just published a new book that might help you in this general area. It is called, "Dangerous Surrender".

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6:01 LisaK [Administrator]: Good Evening. Welcome to Monday Night Chat with Jim. I’m Lisa, the Office Manager for Midlife Dimensions. I’m blessed to serve the Lord through our Chat Room Ministry which has helped so many people through their spouse’s midlife journey. Jim Conway will be online with us shortly and as he reads your questions, he’ll dictate his answers for me to type and post for you to see. He will answer all questions that come in before the end of the hour. If you would like to show your appreciation to Jim, you can make a tax-deductible contribution to Jim’s ministry via Paypal at www.Midlife.com. Funds support the Chat Room and Website upkeep. Thank you.

6:02 Swanlake: Hello everyone, hope all is well for you tonight

6:02 sbky: hello everyone

6:03 Lia: Swan, bittersweet, Lisa, sbky, hello

6:03 bittersweet: Lisa: I was unsuccessful at changing my user name. I could only change password. Left message on your phone

6:03 bittersweet: Lia: hello

6:04 LisaK [Administrator]: Lord God, Your kindness never fails. We trust that You will be with us and have mercy on us every morning. Help us depend on You from now on. In Jesus' name. Amen.

6:06 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: This is Jim here, from hot and steamy Hawaii. Ready to take your questions now.

6:04 sugarmama: how is everyone tonight?

6:05 Lia: Jim. My kids' counselor has said he would be happy to talk to H & thinks perhaps I should start meeting with him about opening up dialog with H & working on spiritual warfare & interceding in prayer. I have started specifically started asking godly men I know to specifically intercede for my H & other marriages in crisis, any advice for new groups or people interested in helping my H?

6:12 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: Generally, you need to start with the men with whom your husband already connects. Because he trusts these men, so they will more easily be able to invite him to men's retreats, etc. It's pretty hard to start by telling your husband that you want to talk to him about spiritual warfare. Forget that for now. The idea is to find common ground.

6:06 bittersweet: Lisa: When I tried to create a new account but it said my email was ready taken and I can't change that.

6:07 Kathy215: Jim: Is it better to invite my H to dinner and to do things with me, or better to leave him alone and let him do the asking? We have been separated for 15 months.

6:14 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Kathy215: How have you been connecting with him during these 15 months? Remember that normal family activities generally become links to connect with your husband.

6:09 sugarmama: Dr Jim: my H came to visit and have lunch yesterday (he hasn’t been in 3 wks) he knew the kids were here along with our daughter so he knew who was here and yet he only stayed 2 hours I know I should be grateful for his even coming and I am. But it really hurt when he left in such a short time he still has the dead eyes and absolutely no expression on his face today his coworker phoned and told me his work place has noticed no changes in his behavior either

6:16 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: sugarmama: Your husband is acting as if he is deeply depressed - I’m surprised he was able to stay for 2 hours -- often a person this depressed can only be somewhere with people for a few minutes. Is he on meds, and has he had a recent physical exam?

6:09 Plumcrazy: JIM-I hope you have gotten some rest and are feeling much better!

6:17 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: Yes, I’m doing well after my 2nd eye surgery.

6:09 Plumcrazy: Lisa-How is your H doing?

6:18 LisaK [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: Geoff is well, thanks. He's happy to have the picc line out of his arm, and back to work. He still needs the gall bladder out after the new year comes though.

6:10 bethel: Jim: H left in late June and harassed me until I divided the assets within 2 weeks of telling me he wanted a D. I actually got what I expected if we went to court. Late Oct, OW's H called me and told me of their affair. Now my H expects me to renegotiate the assets with a mediator. Do I hire a lawyer and go or wait till a claim is filled?

6:21 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bethel: You need to talk to a local lawyer who can protect you.

6:11 Lia: Jim My H's partner is increasingly frustrated. What kind of advice can I give him with H's cavalier attitude towards business & his forgetfulness, irresponsibility & his increasingly bad example?

6:22 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: Your husband's partner needs to take the responsibility about talking to your husband about the business issues - tell the partner that he needs to carry that part. You can't do that for him. You may want to suggest that your husbands business partner looks at our website though, to get some insight on midlife men.

6:11 bittersweet: Dr. Jim Conway: I have been quiet now for 15 days this time about the OW but it is so hard. He keeps acting like everything is normal and does not mention her but keeps saying he is in love with me and that confuses me.

6:24 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bittersweet: I’m proud of you for keeping quiet -- but remember it is also deliberately trusting the other woman situation to God.

6:14 Lia: bittersweet 6:11 what confuses you? It's great your H loves you. He can't help you deal with your pain right now. He has so far to go. As hard as this is, you have to take everything to God & He will give you the opportunity to address things with H if

6:15 Lia: bittersweet cont need be & He will give you the words to speak too. I know you can do this. Be alert, the devil is out to destroy, esp. now that you are beginning restoration. This is a fierce battle, use all the weapons God gives you!

6:16 Plumcrazy: JIM-I am now working with an autistic nonverbal 5yr old. I have experience with another child like that. It is keeping me occupied and not focusing on H so much cause I am exhausted by the end of the day. I will lose weight to cause the child runs

6:26 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: Glad you're keeping busy, and helping others is always good. BUT keep in mind that exhaustion is not the way to escape from a bad situation. Rather - keep a balance in your life, and always surrender the situation to God.

6:16 Kathy215: Jim: He was calling me fairly often. Then we went away overnight in October and had a great time. Since then he's pulled away. He said it was so comfortable being with me and he's afraid he would fall back into it.

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Kathy215: This is secret talk for saying that the situation has not changed enough so that I feel comfortable. Why is your husband not comfortable with you, and how can you change any part of that?

6:16 Lia: Jim 6:12 I wasn't going talk with H about spiritual warfare, I was talking about these other men & the counselor. But you answered my question. I have another beyond that…..There are men in church inc pastor my H respects & they all hunt. H seems to be reconnecting with a friend who owns hunting camp here like a dad to us. The man & I have spoken more that he & H, This man initially told H how felt about H leaving, but @ time knew nothing of ow. that was over yr ago Now H has been camp, good, but he's trying push ow in there & it puts them in middle these are our friends & ow doesn't hunt. I still do my H always expects everyone give him his way & accept his behaviors. What do I tell this friend @ camp is best way help my H Everyone in H life indulges him or throw hands up they almost fear making him angry. H like demanding child. I think these men need state truth in loving way, yes?

6:33 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: Let the men decide how to handle your husband without you telling them what to do. But remember that it is impossible to get a man to come back into a relationship by using guilt and force -- you must keep asking yourself, "How can his needs be met in our marriage relationship?

6:18 sugarmama: he is prescribed meds but I am not certain he is taking them he moved out in July after I had a cancer surgery said he need to have time alone he is now with our son and has been for last 2 months he looks terrible and I know he isn’t taking care of himself he refuses counseling because he is in denial of anything wrong he has lost interest in everything family friends sports you name it especially our grandkids one if which lived with us the 1st year of her life

6:36 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: sugarmama: It's fairly difficult to force a depressed person to get help. I would encourage you to connect with a group of people who will pray intensely for your husband's situation. Also, remember to think about the areas for which he feels hopeless. Does he feel hopeless about your marriage, work, children, etc. etc.???

6:19 bittersweet: Dr. Conway and the thing that confuses me is that he says: You are beautiful, sexy, great cook, sweet, sensitive, you are so good to me and treat me like a king and anyone else but you would be one step down but has not shut door on OW he calls a friend. He says he has some things he needs to work through and he needs me to be patient and give him some time and not hurry GOD concerning this friend. How long should I give him? I want to ask him how it’s going with that??

6:38 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bittersweet: It's better not to ask him anything, it's better to let God handle the situation -- PERIOD.

6:19 Plumcrazy: Lisa-You said the cyst was shrinking right?

6:38 LisaK [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: Yes, but very slowly.

6:19 bittersweet: Lia: That was to you to answer your ques. as well.

6:20 bittersweet: Lia: just read comment I just made to Dr. Jim Conway.

6:21 Kathy215: Jim: I went to an 80's prom last week and dressed up like I know my H likes. When he came to get our daughter I saw him look, he didn't say a word. They were both here when I came home and he practically ran out of the house without saying a word.

6:39 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Kathy215: He is afraid to be attracted to you because he doesn't want to be back in the same old marriage.

6:22 Plumcrazy: Kathy_he liked what he saw so he RAN away! H liked it too much, couldn’t handle it, it seems like

6:23 Lia: Jim 7:17 PTL on outcome of surgery!

6:23 Kathy215: Plumcrazy: Well, I would like to think that, but even my daughter noticed that he didn't even tell me that I looked nice.

6:23 bethel: Jim: ok on the lawyer. My question is do I file and take initiative or wait till he files?

6:40 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bethel: It's better not to take the initiative to file for divorce. Deal with 1 issue at a time.

6:23 Lia: Lisa K PTL Geoff is better & working he was probably going stir crazy.

6:23 Plumcrazy: Kathy_He sounds a lot like my H. MY H freaks if we get too close

6:24 Kathy215: Plumcrazy: Doesn't that drive you crazy? It seems as if that would be a good thing to me!!

6:26 Lia: bittersweet 6:19 the relationship with ow was based on lies. H has come to realization of truth slowly the guilt is a lot to deal with & find out we can fail so easily & not rely on our feelings as truth is another hard reality. He needs time digest, see,

6:26 Plumcrazy: Lia-question for you. H has been feeling ice cold to the touch for around 9mo. He said he has low blood pressure. Never had it in the past. Can that cause the coldness?

6:27 Swanlake: Hey helpme - how are you tonight?

6:27 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: TO EVERYONE IN THE ROOM: You often hear me talking about surrendering your stresses to God. Rick Warren's wife, Kay, has just published a new book that might help you in this general area. It is called, "Dangerous Surrender".

6:27 Lia: bittersweet cont hear & know truth. God will do that. Whatever is revealed to you is something God wants you to pray about. Keep asking for wisdom, discernment of Holy Spirit. Be slow speak, slow anger quick listen. find the need behind the deed & the grains

6:28 Plumcrazy: Jim-Not using exhaustion to escape. I am just getting old for this. I have back and arthritis issues. Not as easy as it used to be. Just tired at the end of the day

6:41 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: Sounds like it's a good tired then.

6:28 helpme: Swanlake; Hello..I'm here...

6:28 Plumcrazy: Helpme-how are you feeling?

6:29 Lia: bittersweet cont of truth in what H says. Concentrate on forward doing what works, not repeating on what didn't in past. Don't let satan undermine your sense self or making you take on guilt either God is working mightily in your marriage!

6:31 Plumcrazy: Lia-Did you see what I asked @6:26

6:32 helpme: Plumcrazy; depressed...

6:32 Lia: Jim 6:22 He is starting to do that I think I just wonder if I can give partner more insight into MLC ex. they got business of year & have upcoming dinner. partner is frustrated he is carrying business & his wife will NOT go with ow there it reflects badly on partner & business. They thing if partner says he is not taking his wife, then H will not take ow. We as wives have been VERY supportive of business & employees used to be like family should partner be blunt about dinner?

6:42 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: Be very careful that you are not managing the situation with how your partner deals with your husband. Let him decide what he wants to do about the situation.

6:32 faithfull: Jim my h has been talking to son on a daily basis. He even went to see him at work today. I do not want to think anything of it as I am weary and tired of all this mess.

6:43 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: faithfull: You've made a wise decision to not over react.

6:32 Plumcrazy: Helpme-I am sorry I know it seems like one thing after another for you.

6:33 faithfull: helpme I am with you. I have been feeling very depress and just do not care anymore.

6:33 Kathy215: Jim: I think that my H feels that I have changed, but he has said that sometimes he feels that I say what I know he wants to hear. I think that he feels that it won't last and that eventually things will go back to the way they were.

6:44 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Kathy215: Your assessment of the situation is absolutely accurate. The solution is to be consistent in your changes so that he begins to trust your new consistency.

6:34 Lia: Jim 6:23 That's a great idea! will he need to log in to get the articles too?

6:36 bittersweet: Dr. Jim Conway: It is really hard to just pretend like everything is just fine when you know he is talking to the OW. My marriage feels restored. Everything is beautiful between us except her. That ruins things. I am sad. I suppose he will tell me when he closes the door on her. it’s VERY VERY important to me that he tells me so I can have the joy I need in our marriage. Then all will be great!

6:47 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bittersweet: Generally men don't react the same way women do. He is not likely to come out and tell you that he is done with the other woman until some months after he actually is done with her. Women keep talking about what they are thinking about, but men won't share with you until it is a totally done deal. That's why I keep urging you to trust God with this situation and to quit trying to control your husband and God in this process.

6:37 Lia: Plum 6:26 absolutely. If his circulation is affected, he will be cold. Sounds like he needs good workup, check diabetes, vit levels, testosterone levels, thyroid, etc..... But, he probably isn't up for that. What if you said how about we all start

6:37 helpme: Swanlake; Dil is going to be down next week but said I am not allowed to see grandbabies...she even wants H to come up but told him to NOT bring me....how can a person be so mean???

6:38 Lia: plum cont yearly checkups. Good supplements & exercise too!!!!! It will help his mood & circulation. Try acupuncture & massage & chiropractics! Find a pharmacy with more natural products & knowledge base as well!

6:39 sugarmama: he is on tons of prayer lists all over TX and MS lot of intercessory prayer for our entire family he is vague about what is hopeless to him so I really cannot answer that our son states he comes in from work and stares at tv

6:48 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: sugarmama: how many months has this blank staring at the tv been happening?

6:39 faithfull: helpme @6:37 I am sorry for you. I feel your pain as I was allowed to be in my grand babies life the first year of her life. I praise God my relationship with my son has been restored and I get to spend a lot of time with them.

6:40 Swanlake: helpme - I am so sorry she is doing these things to you, I wish I could give a solid answer for why she is behaving this way. Insecurity causes people to do terrible things. I am continuing to pray for her change of heart.

6:40 Plumcrazy: Lia_Thanks. I will suggest acupuncture and massage

6:40 Plumcrazy: Lia- We already see a chiropractor

6:41 Lia: All I love Jim's response @ 6:27 I keep getting that message frequently for myself of course, but more & more it seems God is showing me to spread that to others especially over stretched mom's & wives... Cease Striving & know I am God! A favorite of mine

6:41 bethel: Jim: thank you

6:41 sbky: plum my dad is a chiropractor and I have done acupuncture they are both wonderful

6:41 helpme: Swanlake; I am not even allowed to be at his birthday party!!! That hurts.....

6:41 Plumcrazy: JIM-H has been complaining about his back but won’t go to the chiropractor. I said don’t you want to feel better. He said why feel better. Any suggestions?

6:51 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: I think your husband is just reacting to the feeling that he is being mothered by you. Let him deal with the back situation.

6:42 Lia: Plum 6:28 Maybe God is trying to tell you something there, like it's time for change of jobs, focus, priority even!

6:42 sugarmama: bethel623 I visited with a lawyer right after my h moved out he advised me not to file because h didn’t know what he wants I did not go to him with that intention I just needed some advice I appreciated his telling me that I do not ever intend to get a divorce no matter what

6:43 Kathy215: Jim: Is there anything that I can do that will show my H that our marriage won't be the same old marriage, other than time and a lot of prayer?

6:52 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Kathy215: Yes, keep changing and trusting God, and let the trust grow again. Give him lots of affirmation whenever you can find a way to get it in there.

6:43 Plumcrazy: Cindy_hello'

6:44 CindyJ: Hi Plumcrazy and everyone.

6:44 bethel: sugarmama: I consultated too after he left. My problem is now he wants to renegotiate.

6:44 Lia: bittersweet 6:28 I have a friend who had affair & she struggles a bit even though guy stocked her & she sees truth. She is aware it's satan. She loves H this guy was mess. It helped her when I read Steinkamps books about getting over OP H will get there!

6:45 Swanlake: plumcrazy - One of the things Jim talks about is how they feel smothered when we take on the role of mommy, your husband is a big boy, notice his pain, even comment about it saying something like "not getting better yet!" but recognize that he is a

6:46 Swanlake: plumcrazy - continued - grown man and actually knows he should see someone about his back, it is his choice not to, all you can do is express concern and pray, but this is another one of those let go and let God things.

6:46 sbky: all my kids are gone to a ballgame tonight and staying all night with their dad.. at first I hated when they stayed all night with him I thought it might make it easier on him, now I feel it might make him miss them more when they aren’t there..

6:47 Lia: Jim 6:29 What if H's aren't comfortable with themselves & can't deal with own guilt. My H is never comfortable unless people think & act exactly as he does & his thoughts & actions change on dime My H's comfort zone very narrow he has have everyone be exactly like him to function. How do you make someone who isn't comfortable with them self comfortable except listening & being kind?

6:54 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: Remember that you can't make anybody else do anything. So relinquish all control and let him be as childish as he wants to be. He has to realize for himself that people don't like him when he is changing his behavior back and forth.

6:47 helpme: CindyJ; Hello

6:47 bittersweet: Lia: Thanks. I feel I will just go nuts if he keeps emailing her. Would you not be trying to figure out why he keeps doing that and acts like you are all that and more? He can't wait to see me and all. I don't get why he hangs on when things are good

6:47 CindyJ: Hi helpme....

6:48 sugarmama: Dr Jim: how much time is enough time? my daughter thinks I am crazy for waiting for h to come home, my son says he thinks he will come back, so do I. I just don’t know when. our daughter is putting emotions before professionalism I told our son he came to him because somehow he feels safe at his apt he was diagnosed in Feb. this year hindsight says about 1 year

6:55 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: sugarmama: It sounds to me as if he's only been with the son a few months. Give that process a little more time.

6:48 Lia: Plum 6:31 I typed a response, didn't it go through?

6:48 Plumcrazy: Swan-Before I said that H had said he should have went to the chiropractor.

To all: This is Lisa the Office Manager. I just want to remind you that if you have a private question you don’t wish to discuss here, please consider scheduling a 1-on-1 phone counseling session with Jim. Contact us at 714-768-1777 or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to set up a session. You can find information on phone counseling on our website: www.midlife.com. Remember, Jim always offers his live counseling in the chat room without cost. If you wish to donate to our ministry to support the Website/Chat Room upkeep, please do so at www.Midlife.com. Thank you.

6:49 Plumcrazy: Lia- I missed it sorry went back and read it was checking on D

6:50 Swanlake: Plumcrazy - then just agree that it might be a good thing to do. It is good he at least stated it, now if he will just get there, but it is going to need to be his choice to do so. It is so hard to sit back and not try to fix our husbands,

6:50 Lia: Jim 6:33 I am not wanting them to force or manipulate. I am just asking them to specifically pray for H as men. As far as H's needs H always demands everything he wants from everyone around him. Can't really say he ever lacked what he wanted H even
said " you know how I get when I don't get what I want, & I ALWAYS get what I want" If you asked him why he left or what he needed he would say " I changed my mind" My H constantly needs more & new hard to provide when he doesn't have God or know himself what he wants or needs. My H doesn't invest in relationships very much things yes, but his entire family has a throw away mentality, image is everything, so is success to prove they didn't have bad life before.

6:59 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: The more I hear of your husband, the more I feel that he is reacting to childhood control as well as your control. His erratic behavior may really be a defiant way of fighting everybody's control.

6:51 sugarmama: he took meds 5 weeks put them away before I realized and got horribly worse Dr said his body was in a shock and would take 12/16 weeks before you could reap benefits of meds. if he is taking meds they aren’t working I feared suicide he will not go back to Dr until Feb. when next appt is scheduled I believe he has a breakdown in Feb. Yes sir before that he stayed at the gun range in a guest house for 7wks or so he now has lost interest in even going there his boss has all of his guns at his own home locked up . he won’t bring them home here and we have 3 gun safes

7:08 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: sugarmama: I wish there was a simple and easy answer to this situation. It's best that you do keep the guns secure so that he doesn't do something rash. It's also good to continue telling him how much you appreciate him as a person, and that you want him around. It is crucial that somebody identify why he feels so hopeless.

6:52 Swanlake: plumcrazy - continued - especially when the illness and injuries start showing up in them. I really had to stop myself so many times when I first found out about the things my husband now has, but I had to and finally it got easier to watch and pray

6:52 bittersweet: Dr. Jim Conway: Sometimes I think about just going ahead and stand up to him and tell him how I feel and see if he really leaves. If he does then he does not love me. Tired of being sick all the time. Close to emotional breakdown.

7:00 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bittersweet: I don't want you to feel that you can never tell your husband how you feel, but try to make sure that you are not using it as a way to punish him.

6:53 Plumcrazy: Jim,-I guess he sees me as mothering cause I have been really concerned because he is very depressed and talked about suicide. -H says he doesn’t like it when people care about him it makes him uncomfortable. how do I find the balance between showing him I care and not showing feelings at all

7:04 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Plumcrazy: It is a very difficult balance, but you need to continue to express care, but in ways that don't come across as controlling him. Think about how you do that with children -- you let them deal with some of the natural consequences of their decisions. If the child continually forgets their lunch when they go to school, it's probably good if mom doesn't drive it over to the school -- it's ok for them to go hungry a couple of days to learn the lesson of responsibility. It might be helpful when you are talking with your husband to give him lots of affirmation and then follow it up by saying, "In the past, I've probably told you too often what to do, but your depression is something that you need to handle yourself."

6:53 sbky: night all

6:54 helpme: Good night all

6:55 Lia: Plum did you see my response @ 6:37 and 6:38?

6:56 Plumcrazy: Lia-Yes

6:56 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: We still have about 4 minutes left, and Before anyone logs out, I want to thank you all for coming. Please come again and invite your friends! Remember; the Sun./Wed./Fri. sessions are open to share and encourage each other, with the assistance of our trained facilitators.. The Mon. session is primarily a Q and A time with me in the room. Chat room hours are: Sunday, Wednesday and Friday: 6-7 pm Pacific Time. Monday (live chat with me): 6 to 7 pm Pacific Time. And don’t forget Saturdays at 1:00 pm PST.

6:58 Plumcrazy: Jim- Goodnight and tell Jan I said HELLO and hope she is doing well'

6:58 Kathy215: Plumcrazy: Great question about showing them that you care, but not showing feelings!!

6:58 Lia: Jim 6:42 I will be very careful thank you. I don't generally talk to partner, but his wife & I are good friends. I think her H expresses some vague frustrations to her & she as a friend & fellow partner tells me mainly about her perceptions, helps me pray for the right things.

7:10 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Lia: I’m glad you have a caring woman watching out for you during this situation.

6:59 Kathy215: Jim: Thank you so much for everything!!!!!

6:59 Swanlake: Goodnight all

7:01 Lia: bittersweet 6:47 Satan is the father of lies & confusion & a thief & murderer. Pray that the enemy is bound, armor of God over family, blood of Jesus, to break this soul tie, for hedges of thorns around OW & H too. I know it hurts I went through it before

7:02 bittersweet: Dr. Conway: I thought I could not tell him how I feel or it’s talking about the OW?

7:15 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: bittersweet: Yes, it's important right now, that you do not share with your husband about your feelings of the ow. However - if your children are going through something, or something happens at church or in politics, share your feelings with him about those things. Stay away from feelings about the ow. Find other things to share about.

7:16 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: When we close the Chat Room, I hope you’ll all take time lift each other up in prayer. Continue to grow closer to the Lord this week by reading His Word daily. I thank you for joining me today, it’s been fun talking with you. If you got lost during the chat process, check back later to find the edited chat dialogue posted in the archives, there you can read it at your own pace. We, at Midlife Dimensions, will remember you and your marriages in prayer throughout the week. ALSO, please keep Jan in your prayers for the upcoming radio talk shows that she'll be on. We'll be adding more to the list on the website soon. Tune in and pray while she's on the air if you can. Thanks. Warmly in Christ, Jim. (Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8)

7:03 Lia: bittersweet God will take what the enemy meant for evil & turn it to good. Ask God to also protect your mind renew your mind, bind spirits of mistrust & fear & loosen spirits of trust, faith & surrender. Ask for peace!

7:03 Plumcrazy: All_Can we pray that my H continues to try to find his way out of the fog. he has made some steps in that direction in the past week

7:03 sugarmama: plum703 yes I can yes I will

7:03 Lia: Jim 6:47 that's a cool way to look @ that situation. Make lot of sense!

7:04 bittersweet: Plumcrazy: I pray that your husband finds his way out in JESUS NAME.

7:05 Plumcrazy: Jim Thanks that is a great idea on how to handle it!

7:05 sugarmama: bittersweet please add my h to your prayer list

7:06 Plumcrazy: Sugarmama Will say prayer for your H!

7:06 bittersweet: Sugarmama: I pray for your situation as well in JESUS NAME AMEN. Pray for me too. I am seriously close to a nervous breakdown trying to keep quiet.

7:07 Plumcrazy: bittersweet-It is really hard and I slip up now and again but it is getting less often

7:09 Lia: Jim 6:54 I think that sounds right. I guess even if people "seem" to be ok with this, they probably aren't in reality & they have to be responsible for setting their own boundaries with him & putting up with his antics, not my problem I guess

7:09 bittersweet: Plumcrazy: I don’t understand what Dr. Conway means when he says it is ok to tell him how I feel but not talk about the OW. that’s what I am feeling. This has engulfed my life.

7:10 Plumcrazy: JIm@7:08 Another good idea

7:10 Lia: Jim 6:59 I am confused? nobody has ever told my H what to do he gets his way as he said himself. His old boss said " you're just like me, Nobody has ever told you what to do, not even me"

7:11 sugarmama: how ? I do encourage him when I talk to him I love him 2 wks ago I met him and he asked me then why I was so nice to him my answer was I am your wife forever and I will love you forever he sat for about 5 min and said I love you too but there is no emotion

7:11 Plumcrazy: bittersweet _I think he is saying that if you do it will make him cling to her more cause he knows it bothers you. Proves to him there is a reason he doesn’t want to be with you. Cause the wife is always to blame

7:12 Lia: Jim 6:59 I had NO control here. My H never got nagged & never really was told no. Are you saying he is looking to be roped in, for boundaries to be set? I wonder if he doesn't crave someone saying enough & caring enough not to give in, make sense?

7:13 Lia: Jim 6:59 are you thinking "perceived" control?

7:13 Plumcrazy: bittersweet — Cause they blame us in their heads.

7:14 bittersweet: Plum crazy: Maybe he should be set free to be with her. Then he will take me serious when he sees the loss when he says he loves me so much.

7:15 Lia: Jim what about asking H to dinner on holidays? Also today is 10th anniv of business I texted H happy anniv, I knew you could do it, I am proud of you love & prayers & name is that ok? I figure no response is ok?

7:20 LisaK [Administrator]: Lia: Sorry, Jim's gone. It's me now. And I need to go join my family for dinner. I think Jim would have said that texting him is ok, but don't get too mushy. And don't expect anything back. You're correct there.

7:15 Plumcrazy: bittersweet-Don’t do anything you may regret when you are upset

7:15 bittersweet: Plumcrazy: Only I don't want him to go ...just close the door before I really explode.

7:16 Lia: bittersweet don't bait or temp him You can't play God or make threats. I really see lots good going on here as harsh as it is to be patient & deal with all your pain. It will work out. Don't tie God's hands

7:17 Plumcrazy: bittersweet-I understand that feeling. Seeing a counselor would give you a place to vent to instead of H

7:17 sugarmama: thank you so much good night

7:17 Lia: Jim 7:16 we will pray for your ministry & Jan's too! Stay well & be blessed

7:18 bittersweet: Lisa K: I am really feeling all that I just said to Plumcrazy.

7:19 Lia: Lisa I was confused about Jim's answer @ 6:59 any thoughts? also what about the question @ 7:15?

7:23 LisaK [Administrator]: Lia: I think Jim means that your husband has lots of baggage to deal with from his past. He needs to continue down the path God has him on for a reason, and suffer the natural consequences for his poor choices. That's the only way he will learn. He won't learn by everyone saving him all the time. God probably wants him to continue to get his way, because his way is terrible, it's the worst thing for him. Only God's way is the good way for Him. But, he has to lose it all unfortunately. Will probably lose friends and more still. Hang in there Lia. Continue to work on you.

7:21 Lia: bittersweet I wonder if you shouldn't pray against your anger too. You have a right to your feelings, don't let the enemy get a foothold though to let it harden your heart. Your restoration is happening God is restoring your fortunes in front of your eyes!

7:21 Plumcrazy: Lisa_Go enjoy your dinner. thanks for staying with us

7:21 Lia: Lisa K thanks I tried not to get mushy & I decided not to send flowers

7:22 bittersweet: Lia; I just want to tell him: Why do you continue to email her and seem so in love with me . It confuses me. Would that be wrong?

7:22 Lia: Lisa K did you understand the response @ 6:59?

7:23 LisaK [Administrator]: Say bye everyone. Closing the room in 10 seconds.

7:23 bittersweet: All: Goodnight

7:23 Plumcrazy: GOODnite ALL

7:24 LisaK [Administrator]: "Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious, the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse" (Philippians 4:8).

7:24 Lia: bittersweet let the Holy Spirit convict him Your H is on tightrope now. You don't want tip the balance. The adulteress’s ways are unstable you need to be the stable, loving, forgiving one. You still can't reason with him. When God gives you time you can say

7:25 LisaK [Administrator]: Lord God, We are hurt, angry, and confused. We don't like this feeling of worthlessness and rejection. We know You are the God of peace. Teach us how to accept and assimilate that inner peace. It seems so far away sometimes. In your name, Amen.

7:25 LisaK [Administrator]: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

7:25 bittersweet: Lia: That’s true

7:25 Lia: bittersweet cont say how it makes you feel. Truth in love & when God leads you to discussing it only. Use "I" messages when this happens I feel like this. No guilt or judgment just the truth & only when subject comes up God leads!

7:25 LisaK [Administrator]: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

6:16 Kathy215: Jim: He was calling me fairly often. Then we went away overnight in October and had a great time. Since then he's pulled away. He said it was so comfortable being with me and he's afraid he would fall back into it.

6:29 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: Kathy215: This is secret talk for saying that the situation has not changed enough so that I feel comfortable. Why is your husband not comfortable with you, and how can you change any part of that?
6:27 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]: TO EVERYONE IN THE ROOM: You often hear me talking about surrendering your stresses to God. Rick Warren's wife, Kay, has just published a new book that might help you in this general area. It is called, "Dangerous Surrender".

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