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September 10, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5- 6 pm PST / CR#2

5:47 PM

finding nemo

Bill - my father in law also said he was disappointed in my husband for abandoning his family and disappointed in me for allowing this to go on for nearly 2 years

5:47 PM

Bill

finding nemo: I have a hunch these words are cover for his own guilt. I suspect that your H's actions mirrored his own impact on his family so now he is trying to stop the damage. Take it for what it is worth. The apology is huge. The assessment is probably not strategic. I encourage you to focus on the fact that he has admitted and apologized for his actions and look for ways to build on that.

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September 03, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill, 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:31 PM

Tiger

Bill - do you think I should call my H next time instead of texting? I don’t want to get pushy or anything. I never talk about relationship stuff; he has told me the last few times that he has agreed with my grievance and today he told me that he knows I will do well at the courthouse. A lot of positives towards me.

5:31 PM

Bill

Tiger: It seems to me that you are doing well with texting so I would hate to interrupt that. You might try asking him in a text if it would all right to call him every once in a while and see what kind of response you get. I think it is important that he decides rather than having to react to your choice at this point.

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August 20, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:11 PM

Little Magpie

Bill: Perseverance is a good word. I have been struggling especially today. I had lunch with my boss. I have been not as productive at work over the last year and a half but especially this year, distracted, lack of interest, not knowing who I am or what I want.

5:11 PM

Bill

Little Magpie: I totally sympathize. We are told our whole lives to separate work and personal life but few of us are good at doing that. Also, life comes in seasons - sometimes we are incredibly efficient at work then we have seasons where we struggle to keep focus. I think a big part of success in life is keeping these "seasons" as short as possible so we maintain productivity and emotional health. (Easier to write about than do but still a good goal.)

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August 13, 2014 / Wednesday, Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:19 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - Just when I think I had it all together, I discovered I was making things harder than they have to be. Just let go and Let God! I can’t remember which scripture, but it says something about placing or being a yoke on those you are judging.

5:24 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2@19 I think it may be Luke 11:46, "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them."

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August 06, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:03 PM

dogwood

Bill I found very hard to function in the church community, deeply aware that I do not have a healthy marriage, and hard to let others know that marital situation I am in, I am actually feel ashamed of. I am conscience about this deficiency in myself and felt that I can't be a good witness to others.

6:03 PM

Bill

dogwood: I encourage you to ask God to lead you to a place of willingness to talk about your situation. So many people feel the way you do and have circumstances that have similarities to yours but everyone is ashamed to talk about it. As a result, the body of Christ is suffering in silence. Maybe you can be one of the catalysts to get people talking to one another. There is no secret why Divorce Recovery and Celebrate Recovery have become widely popular ministries.

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July 30, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5- 6 pm PST / CR#2

5:27 PM

Tiger

Bill - last weekend I saw my H on TV (news footage from a call). I texted him and said, saw you on TV last night, how is that kid? A 12 yr old had been shot, he answered right away, we texted back and forth and he asked how I was doing. real short text exchange, but all good. Now I have been told by some, to not contact him at all, wait and let him contact me. that’s so very hard for me to do. And it seems when I contact him, he always responds back. But it’s me that is doing the contact. What do I do?? keep contacting him or leave him alone? I’m so confused. I have so much going on at work right now and I would give anything to have H here to talk to him about it. We are both in the same line of work and we always understood each other. I’m really trying my best to do things on my own, but sometimes I want so bad to call him and just spill everything onto him. I know that’s not good, right?

5:27 PM

Bill

tiger: The call to "leave him alone" and not contact him is based on the tendency we all have to push, manipulate and plead. The relationship you currently have with your H is at the level of a friendship. Any contact you have with him that is consistent with the friendship will feel normal and be effective. When you go beyond this and try to interact with him as an intimate partner (which is what we all want with our spouses) creates weirdness and disequilibrium. It sounds to me like the texting you did recently was good friendship interaction and it worked. If you try to go farther with it and put him in the position of being an intimate confidant before he is ready will probably not go as well.

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July 16, 2014 / Wednesday Chat With Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:10 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - If the MLCer works their way through the crisis, do they usually see their spouse as the "special person" that they once were to them or is this lost forever. I guess I am just curious if my H and I will be as close as we once were and it he will treat me with respect and care as he did before MLC.

5:13 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2@10: When MLC relationships come back together, it tends to be a "different" relationship. What I mean by that is the person who went through the MLC tends to have a more realistic view of himself and can operate at a deeper level of vulnerability than before. Also, the humility it takes to reconcile produces maturity and compassion that wasn't there before. AS a result, the relationship is more mature, deeper and more humble. It ends up being special but in a different way.

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July 09, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:24 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill- I feel that making it about me is a form of denial, but am unsure at this point. I know he does have some points that I needed to work on, but from my perspective, they seem so small in comparison to the unbelievable damage he has done to his family, not to mention to himself. I strongly feel that when you betray or do damage to your loved ones, it is even more damaging to him emotionally, that has to be a huge mountain to climb. Could a strong pride also keep him from facing the impact of his actions and that is why he continues to shift the relationship talk to my faults?

5:20 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2 @16: There are no guarantees but it seems he is moving toward that point. The emotional needs that go along with MLC are raw and complicated so he will need to be convinced that he is strong enough to be okay even if you went back to being "too controlling." He makes it sound like it is about you but it really is about him and his ability to be himself regardless of how people are around him.

 

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June 11, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:16 PM

Tiger

Little Magpie - Unfortunately that is the way society is nowadays. I would think your kids are old enough to deal with sex scenes especially the 20 year old and the 15 year old probably knows a whole lot more than you want to admit

5:19 PM

Bill

All: I appreciate the topic of movies and sex scenes coming up. Our current society is so casual and persistent about a sexual message that is neither healthy nor effective in building a long-term sexual life that is satisfying. Please do not get discouraged by the kids' criticisms. Modern studies reveal that the people teenagers and college age students would prefer to talk to about sex is their parents. Also, most people "wake up" one day and realize traditional values really are the best as long as they have role models who hold to them without judgment. Hang in there and stick to your guns on this very powerful area of life.

 

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May 28, 2014 / Wednesday 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:51 PM

dogwood

Bill: thank you for your advice. I often find myself really lack of wisdom and do not know how to handle the conversation. H is feeling physically affected, and he is a bit scared in fact of some symptoms; I suggested him to take St. John's Worth. I don't know if it is wise to point him to the positive perspective when he voiced the negative comments about the past, present, and future. Or, should I just show empathy only; He turns everything into negatives which is just untrue.

5:51 PM

Bill

dogwood: Your H has you in a difficult position so asking God for wisdom on a regular basis is going to be key for you. Anyone would struggle with how to handle this. If I were you, I would be in the habit of asking H, "Would you like me to share what I think would help or just listen?" since he is unpredictable in his reactions to you. You have great advice to share so it is worth asking because when he is willing to listen, he will find real help.

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May 14, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:42 PM

Tiger

Bill - I really feel good about standing for my marriage. My 1st was not good. I married only to get away from my father. I married the first guy that I dated. I knew him for 9 months and got married at 18. We were together for a very long time, only bc of the kids. We can still speak to each other and as a matter of fact my H and he have sat at the table many times eating together, H was my only other relationship and we dated 2 yrs before we married. I guess what I’m getting at is, it makes me feel really good when people tell me how strong I am. That they could not forgive the way I am. I tell them that I have all the faith in the world that H will come back, many say that they are praying for me, but I need to understand that God may not want H to come back, why do they say things like that?

5:42 PM

Bill

Tiger: I think they are just trying to protect you. It is hard for them to picture what you can see clearly. Out of concern they are adding caution to the mix. I think it is okay for our friends to do this and I believe they will rejoice with you when God honors your stand.

 

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