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November 05, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:06 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - This past weekend a couple of us wondered if you would be interested in teaching us How to Trust God.

5:10 PM

Bill

All: What does it mean to trust God? This is a big topic so my thoughts may be a little random but together we can gain insight. Observation #1: Trust involves out whole being. Your mind, body, will and emotions are all involved. First and foremost, you must be convinced that God is alive, God is good and God is committed to work everything together for good to those who love him. This is based on Hebrews 11:6 and Romans 8:28. It can be hard to see this through circumstances because some scenarios in life look wrong and bad to us. When we can't figure it out on our own, trust holds to the thought that God is somehow, someway working everything together so it eventually turns out to be good.

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October 29, 2014 / Wednesday with Bill Farrel / CR#2

5:18 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - I like what you are saying to Tiger about boundaries. I am currently trying to decide a boundary on how my husband interacts with our son. His cycling where he makes contact with our son, then withdraws and disappears is not emotionally healthy for our son and as a 14 yr old I sense his anger/disappointment more and more. I am trying to decide how to handle this. I have tried talking to my husband but he is so self involved that he can’t see what it does to our son

5:23 PM

bill

dumbfounded2@18 My advice is to focus more on your son than your husband. This is a great time to begin training him how boundaries work. It is unlikely you will be able to leverage your husband's behavior but you can train your son to be healthy even around an unhealthy person. For instance, you can help your son set up a schedule of when he is available to spend time with dad. He can then communicate this schedule with his dad. When dad keeps the schedule they spend time together. When dad tries to "cycle" with the schedule, you can train your son to say, "I am sorry I can't do that right now but next week on Tuesday I am wide open."

 

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October 15, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:23 PM

finding nemo

Bill - I have used ultimatums based on boundaries. It doesn't stick though. For instance, I have told my husband that if he wants to be with OW2, then he needs to be with her and not come around me or talk to me. Cut all ties with me and move on. He will not talk to me for a few days and then he comes back full force full of I love you and I don't want a divorce - and is still with OW2. I cave because I want to believe him.

5:23 PM

Bill

Finding Nemo (and All): Thank you for sharing this story. What you described is actually not a boundary. Don't feel bad because most people do what you described and think they are setting boundaries. What you actually did was make a wish. What I mean by that is you outlined choices and behaviors your husband needs to take. Since you have no control over what your husband will say or do, it ends up being a wish for his behavior to change. Wishes seldom work because it gives all control to the person who has the least healthy outlook on life at the moment.

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October 08, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:36 PM

dogwood

Bill I wonder if I should give him a deadline of making changes or, ask him to make a choice. He kept telling me it is complicated and he knows that he is wrong, but things will change, because he knows that his other relationship is not going anywhere.

5:36 PM

Bill

dogwood: It is totally up to you if you want to give him a deadline. You will get lots of opinions as you ask people but everyone else who gives you advice will not be affected by the decision like you will be. As a result, you have to search your heart to see what risk you want to take and what consequences you want to live with. My opinion is that divorce never really solves anything - it just redefines things and you still have a lifelong relationship with your spouse. It makes sense to me to stay at it as long as you possibly can, not because it is good or satisfying but because it lines up with the covenant commitment you made. To live it out, however, you have to be good at boundaries so you don't sacrifice your own self-respect as you are waiting to see what God does.

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October 1, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:25 PM

finding nemo

Bill - He goes away, gains his strength, then comes back. He says he is working hard to find ways to shorten this time away so that I don't instantly go to "he's with his girlfriend" kind of thinking. He says he doesn't have a girl friend. She is just someone he has talked to on occasion. He says that I wear his out because I am full force trying to find peace in this life and he can't always keep up.

5:25 PM

Bill

finding nemo: Wow, your description is a vivid reminder of why focusing on our own growth is so important during these strenuous seasons. He is still reactive in the sense he wants to do what is right, finds it hard to do, runs away, gets tired of being disconnected from his family and seeks to reconnect. Then he blames the difficulty of this on your pursuit of peace! Living in reaction to him would be exhausting, hence the need to stay focused on becoming the people we want to be with God's help.

 

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September 24, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:50 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - Even though my husband drives me nuts and is one of my greatest causes of frustration he is also a blessing. He has loved me and stuck by me even with all of my faults and shortcomings due to the intimacy issues from my past that I am now working to overcome. He forgives me. I don't understand it. You saw it didn't you? I don't get it. I hold things against him still. Things that were broken and long missing I still harbor resentments even though I try not to. I can't help it.

5:50 PM

Bill

little magpie: Thank you for sharing this. Your husband is with you because there is a real connection between the two of you. You have similar hurts. You have similar brokenness in your lives. As a result, you are able to be patient and intense with each other. Having said that, there are times when you get out of sync. Your needs intersect with his weaknesses and vice versa. This leaves both of you hurting and feeling inadequate. Hence, the times of frustration. Because you "get each other" however, you end up coming back to one another and reconnecting.

 

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September 17, 2014 / Wednesday 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:47 PM

dogwood

Bill sometimes, I feel that our approach to our husband is overly protective, and finding all excuses to justify their wrong behavior and deny our own needs in a marital relationship? I wonder if I constantly justify husband's wrong choices and behavior for him. what if husband will continue his path without turning back? where is the line

5:47 PM

Bill

dogwood: I have never heard you justify your husband's bad behavior. You are very aware it is unhealthy and unproductive. You just seem to have this relentless hope that a real marriage will return. You are to be commended for this patience and persistence. You are also free to confront him as strongly as you would like. There would be nothing "wrong" with that and no one would blame you. The difficulty comes with the fragile way MLCers respond to concerned confrontation. They tend to be so emotional and self-absorbed they react and run away. We encourage patience because we assume you don't want him to run away.

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September 10, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5- 6 pm PST / CR#2

5:47 PM

finding nemo

Bill - my father in law also said he was disappointed in my husband for abandoning his family and disappointed in me for allowing this to go on for nearly 2 years

5:47 PM

Bill

finding nemo: I have a hunch these words are cover for his own guilt. I suspect that your H's actions mirrored his own impact on his family so now he is trying to stop the damage. Take it for what it is worth. The apology is huge. The assessment is probably not strategic. I encourage you to focus on the fact that he has admitted and apologized for his actions and look for ways to build on that.

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September 03, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill, 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:31 PM

Tiger

Bill - do you think I should call my H next time instead of texting? I don’t want to get pushy or anything. I never talk about relationship stuff; he has told me the last few times that he has agreed with my grievance and today he told me that he knows I will do well at the courthouse. A lot of positives towards me.

5:31 PM

Bill

Tiger: It seems to me that you are doing well with texting so I would hate to interrupt that. You might try asking him in a text if it would all right to call him every once in a while and see what kind of response you get. I think it is important that he decides rather than having to react to your choice at this point.

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August 20, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:11 PM

Little Magpie

Bill: Perseverance is a good word. I have been struggling especially today. I had lunch with my boss. I have been not as productive at work over the last year and a half but especially this year, distracted, lack of interest, not knowing who I am or what I want.

5:11 PM

Bill

Little Magpie: I totally sympathize. We are told our whole lives to separate work and personal life but few of us are good at doing that. Also, life comes in seasons - sometimes we are incredibly efficient at work then we have seasons where we struggle to keep focus. I think a big part of success in life is keeping these "seasons" as short as possible so we maintain productivity and emotional health. (Easier to write about than do but still a good goal.)

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August 13, 2014 / Wednesday, Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:19 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - Just when I think I had it all together, I discovered I was making things harder than they have to be. Just let go and Let God! I can’t remember which scripture, but it says something about placing or being a yoke on those you are judging.

5:24 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2@19 I think it may be Luke 11:46, "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them."

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