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March 18, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:01 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - I have been pretty good at rejecting what God supposedly says about me and say things like yeah right, for someone else. How can I see it is for me?

6:02 PM

Bill

Little Magpie: You have to "force yourself" to believe it by saying things like, "How dare I tell God He doesn't know what He is talking about. He is the smartest person ever so He must know."

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March 04, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5- 6 pm PST / CR#2

5:49 PM

Tiger

Bill - something I want to ask you. When husband comes out this weekend should I say anything to him about the rest of his "stuff"? I haven’t yet. But just like the gun case he is coming to get, he still has lots here?

5:49 PM

Bill

Tiger: It doesn't sound very strategic to me, unless you want to disconnect from him. It is a little weird to think of but his stuff keeps him connected to you and the family. Having said that, there is no right or wrong answer here and you are free to choose what you think helps you the most.

 

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February 18, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill / 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

5:57 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - I just sometimes think, my goodness, is everything impossible? Just turn to the Lord, get on your knees and all will be revealed, but now I will go back to prayer as that is my part.

5:59 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2 @57 I think we all wish people would keep it that simple. God has given us very effective steps we can take to usher His blessing into our lives. He hasn't complained it even though He could. He hasn't asked all that much of us because He loves us so much. People, on the other hand, love complicated. We needlessly add layers of confusion and pain when all we really need to do is seek first His kingdom. Stubbornness never really helped anyone but we seem attached to it anyway. Let's all commit to keep praying!

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February 11, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:59 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - But disappearing is not the right thing for his family. How will he ever resolve that in his mind, time? I am sure we do appear to be doing well as I always remain calm, hospitable and manage to take care of our home, but surely he knows that he is needed as a father and husband. I have assured him that he is loved and welcomed anytime, but I don’t harp on that. I guess only the Lord knows what it will take and I have told him that this is his family and his decision about how to handle any issues that relate to the family and I show acceptance in our current situation.

6:03 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2 @59: He knows intellectually that he is valuable as a husband and father. His emotional reasoning does not match his intellectual reasoning at this time. The change comes when a breakthrough happens. In essence, he needs to abandon his reliance on his emotional reasoning and replace it with what is actually true. Pray for this breakthrough and hold your ground on living healthy. This kind of breakthrough happens in the heart which requires the intervention of our God. We can set up the environment but we can't make the breakthrough happen.

 

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February 04, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:58 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - I have been doing a lot of reading about how men and women differ in the "emotion/feeling" areas of life. I review things in my life and realize that my husband has never been emotional or shown very much feeling about anything (especially serious stuff) throughout our time together. Does midlife bring this issue up close and personal to a man. I can sometimes see my husband start to "feel" and then he hides.

6:02 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2 @58: Interesting you ask. Studies are showing that us men are actually as emotional, and in some circumstances more emotional, than our female counterparts. Women are more expressive than men, however. Men, therefore, tend to get emotionally flooded and bury their feelings. Often at midlife the dam breaks as emotions take over their lives. Since they have underdeveloped skills for expressing themselves, they act outlandishly, irrationally or in a self-absorbed manner. For most men, their skills are well behind their reactions so they erupt or hide or both.

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January 28, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:46 PM

finding nemo

Bill - So does it work the same way with knowing - or feeling something is about to happen? Not sure I am phrasing that correctly. Yesterday when I was near bottoming out, I did pray for clarity because the struggle was just too much. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of pain that washed over me and the words Keep going your husband is learning and growing and so close to figuring this all out and so are you accompanied it.   I shared that part with dumbfounded2 earlier as she was helping me gain some perspective on the situation. What I hadn't shared with her yet is that I had another voice talk to me this morning when I was taking out my trash can to the curb. I turned and looked in the garage at my husband's broken down car. I heard that voice say he's coming back slowly but surely. I hope I don't sound crazy. I really am trying to understand all of this.

5:46 PM

Bill

finding nemo: Let me answer you this way: God loves you and is always at work encouraging you, strengthening you, helping you make adjustments, disciplining you to make improvements and helping you see you’re potential as a person. To this end, He wrote the Bible to give you direction you can always count on. In addition, He will communicate with you personally at times to help you maintain focus and remember His love. It does us good to focus on what He has written as a grid to run everything else through since our hearts can be deceived easily and we are all vulnerable to our expectations. So, God loves you, He will never forsake you, He is always working to make all things work together for good, He gives you power in your inner self, He watches over you, rejoices when you rejoices and cries when you cry. He never explains everything but He is committed to walk every step of the path with us. I don't think you sound crazy; you just sound like someone who has been surprised by life and is trying to figure it out with God's help.

 

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January 21, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:27 PM

finding nemo

Bill - He ignored me for 10 days after hanging up on me right after Christmas. He tells me that he was in a very dark place and realizes that he is becoming just like his dad. He has no income, no guarantee of a place to live, vehicles broken down and he doesn't help with or see his child. He says he worries about me all of the time and loves daughter and me. If that's the case, then why hasn't he talked about coming home instead of worrying about the apartment, etc.

5:27 PM

Bill

finding nemo: I am not sure if this will make sense to you but here is a little "self-absorbed male logic." He is probably consumed by the conclusion that he cannot succeed. Since he can't figure out his job, apartment, cars, etc., he can't figure out the bigger things such as his wife and daughter. Isolation helps limit the pain of failure even though it does nothing to help him succeed.

 

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January 07, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:13 PM

finding nemo

Bill - He never came by, never called etc. Christmas came and it was wonderful. He was with us in spirit as he can't drive his car in the snow. Then spent the weekend with us. Then he went away and didn't talk to me. He sent me a Happy New Year text and I replied back. I didn't hear from him again until this past Saturday. He started talking about money and I asked him about coming home again. It went downhill from there. I asked him if can't afford the apartment, isn't coming home, then is he moving someplace else. He hung up on me. I tried to call back but he put me on ignore. I haven't heard from him since. He had made plans with our daughter and he never contacted her to say he can't take her or anything. She has her own cell phone now that he bought her, so there's no reason why he can't contact her.

5:13 PM

Bill

Finding Nemo: Hum, sounds like he is still engaged but indecisive. I met with a good friend of mine today who is in the midst of a midlife crisis. It was a stunning reminder to me of how lost good men can get and how difficult it is for them to think and realize the consequences of what they are doing. My friend is wallowing in guilt and shame. He goes back and forth from taking responsibility to blaming others for all that he is feeling. It sounds like your husband is doing something similar. He seems to want to be in your lives but then he gets his with emotions that overwhelm him and acts "weird."

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December 31, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-7 pm PST / CR#2

5:57 PM

finding nemo

Bill - He's threatening to get them into trouble at work, hurt them in any which way that they can. She told me she stayed overnight with him and he tossed and turned all night long. If she held him he would settle down. He's simmered down a bit in regard to the friends, but she isn't sure where to go with this as this is not normal behavior for him.

5:57 PM

Bill

finding nemo: Without knowing the whole story, you are describing someone is in turmoil with himself. It could be spiritual in nature or it could be developmental or it could be emotional turmoil over unresolved pain. It is obviously triggered very quickly and has an intense influence on him. To set a game plan, some investigation is in order. The best thing is for him to meet with someone who is experienced in diagnosing his reactions (counselor, skilled pastor, etc.).

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December 17, 2014 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:53 PM

finding nemo

Bill, dumbfounded2 - His words to me a few days ago were that he doesn't have a job and he also said, I am just going to mess things up again. I didn't know what to say to him other than he doesn't know what the future holds and he's human so I expect him and I both to make mistakes. We still have to try. As far as the job, I told him now is the time we needed to work together more than ever. I don't know how far that went, but I tried.

5:53 PM

Bill

finding nemo: The good thing is he is being vulnerable. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is simply say that you are here. Your soft presence is better than answers since the statement, "I am just going to mess things up," is not fact based - it is emotion based. Safety will be more effective than logic.

 

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November 19, 2014 / Wednesday 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:16 PM

Tiger

hey Bill- I just read dumbfounded's post and I kind of have the same thing, except. I cannot go two weeks without contacting my husband. Last week I texted him Thursday, Friday, Sat, and Sun. He answered all of them immediately. He always does, but He never contacts me first. Should I just keep up the contact with me initiating it or back off and see if he ever will on his own?

5:16 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2 and Tiger: This is another example of MLCers engaging in behavior that doesn't make logical sense. The more you think about, the harder it is to figure out. Of course, husbands should stay in contact with their wives. Of course, dads ought to initiate contact with his kids and their mother. The fact they aren't doing this is evidence of how off track they have are currently or how much their skills are behind the reality of their lives. In my opinion, the best response is to be who you are. What I mean by that is you are in a good place if you are contacting your spouse on the same schedule you would contact a good friend. Since you are linked to this person, it makes sense you would include him in your natural rhythm. Going beyond this draws this into a chaotic routine. Doing less than this leads you away from being the genuine you.

 

 

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