Midlife Dimensions

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July 29, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:04 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - That is part of my problem, having been hurt so much I am not very assertive and tend to be cautious. I am not very confident.

6:04 PM

bill

Little Magpie: I know that but you are talented. One of the ways to move forward in our growth is to "make ourselves" do things we know are healthy even though we are afraid to do them.

 

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July 15, 2015 / Wednesday, Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:06 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - I have a question in regard to men in midlife. One of the things that I am noticing at this stage of my husband's midlife crisis is that he draws near, then cycles away with no communication. I am struggling with keeping my emotions in check with this. I think I have expectations about him being more rational when we connect and I expect it to last. How does a MLCer experience connection with family, do they go away and feel shame, guilt? Sometimes it feels like manipulation and if I didn’t know more about midlife crisis I would think I was being taken advantage of, just curious about their thinking during this stage

5:11 PM

bill

dumbfounded2@06 Great question. The best way I know to describe it is it is similar to what teens do during puberty. Relationships and their own well-being (as they perceive it) are so important that they keep engaging with others. As they draw near, they start to feel out of control as others get a piece of their hearts. They "feel" vulnerable so they recoil and give reactions that don't make sense to anyone else. With MLCers you also have the knowledge from their life experience that what they are doing really is wrong but they aren't ready to admit it. Thus you get a second layer of irrational reactions that leave you scratching your head. It is manipulative but in most cases it does not seem to be deliberate manipulation from my perspective.

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June 25, 2015 / Thursday 5-6 pm PST / Special Chat with Bill

5:39 PM

Tiger

bill – “It seems to me that you have a lot of room to work in your current relationship with your husband”. What do you mean by that? good or bad?

5:39 PM

bill

Tiger: I mean it as a good thing. John Maxwell talks about the principle of "having change in your pocket." The change represents good will in a relationship. Every time you do something "good" you are given change. Any time you make a mistake, you have to give change away. As long as you have change in your pocket, you will be taken seriously, given the benefit of the doubt if you do make a mistake, and your efforts will be accepted as sincere and well-meaning. It sounds like you have a lot of change in your pocket when it comes to your husband. As a result, you can talk freely and even if you said or did something that might cause tension years ago, it would not be taken as offensive because there is a general belief that you have his best interests at heart.

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June 17, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:43 PM

MidlifeWife

I may be "forcing" him to talk face-to-face this weekend. I am in a pickle on my bills and plan on taking his paycheck out of the bank as soon as it goes in. I cannot sit here and wait for the water and lights to be shut off.

5:43 PM

bill

midlifewife: All that sounds necessary. Pray for grace to do it calmly rather than in anger. We would all understand if you were angry and if you expressed it to your husband but what tends to happen in these situations is the one who is making good decisions gets put in a place where they erupt and then you look like the one having problems. IF you can stay calm, you stay in a position of power. Praying for you!

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June 03, 2015 / Wednesday 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:54 PM

mykev

Glad to be here. My wife said I needed ask questions. I am a pastor who was forced to resign

5:55 PM

Bill

mykev: I imagine your wife has noticed some changes in your life which led her to recommend you here. Thanks for sharing that you are a pastor. I have been in the pastoral ministry for 30 years. The pressures and victories can both be great! I would encourage you to spend some time reading the articles on the website. We are here because we recognize midlife as one life's great transitions. It is as intense as adolescences and it has a clear purpose. God is moving us from our highly productive years into a season of influence based our the wisdom we have acquired. It is so important that it launches an intense battle in our lives on all fronts.

 

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May 19, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:06 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - How do I learn those skills?

6:07 PM

Bill

Little Magpie: You read about them, write out a script of how to do them as if you were instructing a friend, then you practice until it starts to feel normal. It takes determination and repetition but it eventually comes into focus.

 

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May 13, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:39 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - my comment to nemo at 35, is that what Promise Keepers teaches?

5:39 PM

Bill

Little Magpie: Yes with modifications. We teach that couples ought to decide together how they do life. Some couples choose to delegate the financial management to one partner while other significant responsibilities are delegated to the other. Other couples choose to manage finances together. The power comes in the choice. When you choose together, you both commit to the process emotionally. If the choice is made by one or the other, resentment builds which leads to passive/aggressive behavior. Hope that was clear.

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May 06, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:59 PM

dogwood

Bill Your response to Hopeful 1 @39 is at such a high level, total trust in God and let go. It seems very difficult to attain. however, what where is the line between this state and be a door mat?

5:59 PM

Bill

Dogwood: I agree it is a high level goal. I believe we need to look high in order to rise a little. The difference between being a servant of God and a doormat comes down to boundaries. Servants know their master and do what they do out of reverence for Him. Door mats simply do what others tell them to do without discerning the source of the demands. Servants do what is in the best interest of the other person. That means we take hard stands at times and say, "No," because it is clear a "yes" would be detrimental. Door mats say, "Yes," to whatever the other person demands. Servants stand up for their master. Door mats lie down and let others walk over them. Hope that helps.

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April 22, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:48 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - For some reason, I see things so much more clearly than I ever have in regards to this midlife crisis journey. My husband is clearly interested at times in being a better man, but has no idea how to get there without seeing it as some kind of control issue, or doing something because everyone else thinks he should, or finding a way to fix this without looking like a bad guy or humbling himself, so he is in for a long walk

5:50 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2 @48 Wow that is great insight. I wish men were better at not feeding their egos. We want people to be proud of us then we avoid getting help when we know we need it because we don't want to look like we need help! The silly journey of men.

 

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April 08, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:04 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - And I have a problem with signing his taxes so that can be done on time. I did that last year but didnt like it much. I spoke to him about it later, but it did little good

6:05 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2 No, I don't think you should shoulder the entire tax. He should pay everything that is his responsibility. I am not sure how you would handle that in detail this year since it is so close to the deadline. If there is a way to separate them this year, I would. If that is not possible, I would find a way to get through this year with him paying his share.

 

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March 25, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:57 PM

dogwood

Bill Thanks for a very practical help! it is like a mystery why he does this routine out everyday around this time of the day. I guess this is the time when his "friends" are off work and are free to gather; it sure hurts. I had a wonderful time of college reunion and trips. I shall follow your advice.

5:57 PM

Bill

dogwood: I am he is running from himself. His friends are probably a distraction that "rescues" him from thinking about the pain he is creating and his own disappointments in himself.

 

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