Midlife Dimensions

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August 26, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:50 PM

dogwood

Bill @45 then should we restrain the freedom we are willing to give to those people?

5:50 PM

Bill

dogwood: If it was possible, maybe, but it isn't possible. We can restrain the freedom we give out kids but not our spouse. If you somehow succeeded in restraining your husband's freedom, you would be in the parent role and would be discouraging his growth and maturity. You would, therefore, set up a self-defeating system. Instead, we need to turn our loved ones over to God so He can discipline them strategically.

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August 19, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:25 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - d 16 and I would much rather spend time away from the house so we spend time out of the war zone. I have been tired of the eggshell walking and yelling and name calling for years!! Even before the marriage began.

5:25 PM

Bill

Little Magpie It is okay to schedule in breaks. The issues you have been wrestling with all cause stress and everyone responds to stress differently. Your husband obviously deals with stress through anger which can sound very personal, even though it is probably not as personal as it sounds. Taking a break gives you and d16 an opportunity to relax and enjoy your M-D relationship. It also gives husband an opportunity to relieve stress without directing it at you. If I were you, I would be praying diligently that God heals everyone in the family and softens the hearts of everyone involved. I would start with the doctrinal affirmation from The Bondage Breaker. I would read that prayer out loud every day until things calm down.

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August 12, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:05 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - My husband told me this weekend that he was 100 percent responsible for allowing his issues with me to keep him from seeing and interacting with his boys. I felt some of that is a dance around the big issues, but partly his processing some accountability.

6:08 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2@05: I think it is a good indicator that he is processing some accountability. It is still a little too intense to be realistic (100% responsible). The truth is that life and relationships are messy and flourish on grace. Those who live chaotically tend to focus on behavior, which we can never get completely right. I like the fact that he took some responsibility and look forward to it mellowing a little.

 

 

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August 05, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:28 PM

Finding Nemo

Bill - I would like to ask you a question. How can you tell if something going on is genuine or if it is just more midlife crisis smoke and mirrors? My situation feels a bit different, like there has been positive movement but when I look at the overall picture, nothing has really changed except the pendulum has swung super close back toward home. And I am sort of expecting it to swing back the other direction at any time.

5:28 PM

bill

finding nemo: excellent question, let me go around the block a bit, midlife is a matter of the heart which mean things can change pretty quickly, the clearest example of a heart issue is salvation. we can go from lost to found in a moment, midlife is similar. the agonizing part is watching people we love "orbit" around their decisions. they come close to take a look then drift away, then orbit back around, etc. I think we should enjoy the times they orbit closer but also should wait until they land before we go all in. hope that helps.

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July 29, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:04 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - That is part of my problem, having been hurt so much I am not very assertive and tend to be cautious. I am not very confident.

6:04 PM

bill

Little Magpie: I know that but you are talented. One of the ways to move forward in our growth is to "make ourselves" do things we know are healthy even though we are afraid to do them.

 

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July 15, 2015 / Wednesday, Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:06 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - I have a question in regard to men in midlife. One of the things that I am noticing at this stage of my husband's midlife crisis is that he draws near, then cycles away with no communication. I am struggling with keeping my emotions in check with this. I think I have expectations about him being more rational when we connect and I expect it to last. How does a MLCer experience connection with family, do they go away and feel shame, guilt? Sometimes it feels like manipulation and if I didn’t know more about midlife crisis I would think I was being taken advantage of, just curious about their thinking during this stage

5:11 PM

bill

dumbfounded2@06 Great question. The best way I know to describe it is it is similar to what teens do during puberty. Relationships and their own well-being (as they perceive it) are so important that they keep engaging with others. As they draw near, they start to feel out of control as others get a piece of their hearts. They "feel" vulnerable so they recoil and give reactions that don't make sense to anyone else. With MLCers you also have the knowledge from their life experience that what they are doing really is wrong but they aren't ready to admit it. Thus you get a second layer of irrational reactions that leave you scratching your head. It is manipulative but in most cases it does not seem to be deliberate manipulation from my perspective.

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June 25, 2015 / Thursday 5-6 pm PST / Special Chat with Bill

5:39 PM

Tiger

bill – “It seems to me that you have a lot of room to work in your current relationship with your husband”. What do you mean by that? good or bad?

5:39 PM

bill

Tiger: I mean it as a good thing. John Maxwell talks about the principle of "having change in your pocket." The change represents good will in a relationship. Every time you do something "good" you are given change. Any time you make a mistake, you have to give change away. As long as you have change in your pocket, you will be taken seriously, given the benefit of the doubt if you do make a mistake, and your efforts will be accepted as sincere and well-meaning. It sounds like you have a lot of change in your pocket when it comes to your husband. As a result, you can talk freely and even if you said or did something that might cause tension years ago, it would not be taken as offensive because there is a general belief that you have his best interests at heart.

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June 17, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:43 PM

MidlifeWife

I may be "forcing" him to talk face-to-face this weekend. I am in a pickle on my bills and plan on taking his paycheck out of the bank as soon as it goes in. I cannot sit here and wait for the water and lights to be shut off.

5:43 PM

bill

midlifewife: All that sounds necessary. Pray for grace to do it calmly rather than in anger. We would all understand if you were angry and if you expressed it to your husband but what tends to happen in these situations is the one who is making good decisions gets put in a place where they erupt and then you look like the one having problems. IF you can stay calm, you stay in a position of power. Praying for you!

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June 03, 2015 / Wednesday 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:54 PM

mykev

Glad to be here. My wife said I needed ask questions. I am a pastor who was forced to resign

5:55 PM

Bill

mykev: I imagine your wife has noticed some changes in your life which led her to recommend you here. Thanks for sharing that you are a pastor. I have been in the pastoral ministry for 30 years. The pressures and victories can both be great! I would encourage you to spend some time reading the articles on the website. We are here because we recognize midlife as one life's great transitions. It is as intense as adolescences and it has a clear purpose. God is moving us from our highly productive years into a season of influence based our the wisdom we have acquired. It is so important that it launches an intense battle in our lives on all fronts.

 

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May 19, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:06 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - How do I learn those skills?

6:07 PM

Bill

Little Magpie: You read about them, write out a script of how to do them as if you were instructing a friend, then you practice until it starts to feel normal. It takes determination and repetition but it eventually comes into focus.

 

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May 13, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:39 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - my comment to nemo at 35, is that what Promise Keepers teaches?

5:39 PM

Bill

Little Magpie: Yes with modifications. We teach that couples ought to decide together how they do life. Some couples choose to delegate the financial management to one partner while other significant responsibilities are delegated to the other. Other couples choose to manage finances together. The power comes in the choice. When you choose together, you both commit to the process emotionally. If the choice is made by one or the other, resentment builds which leads to passive/aggressive behavior. Hope that was clear.

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