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December 09, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Little Magpie: Bill - It is easy to fall into your addictive behaviors. Last night, I "self soothed" by going to get a Peppermint Mocha and make the excuses and anger to defend why you needed that mocha. Sometimes reframing things not to be about the "mocha" or "gaining weight" (examples) could work but it is best in my case to talk about other things and let me address it myself and come to my peace about it so I can let it go. Does that make sense?

Bill: Little Magpie: It makes sense and I think this is okay as long as it is not directly causing damage to others in the family. As you know, some addictive behavior puts the whole family in danger, not just the addict. Your comment is a good reminder that different issues need different approaches and that we all need to take responsibility for the change we are willing to entertain.

 

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November 04, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST/ CR#2

5:52 PM

Little Magpie

Bill Tiger and dumbfounded2 - I appreciate it. I am working so hard and trying so hard, It gets so frustrating and discouraging. It is so hard! I keep trying to connect with God and everything. I just don't know if it is happening or not. I am trying to Trust HIM.

5:55 PM

Bill

Tiger: Well said Tiger @51. This is an intense struggle and it is easy to get love out of focus thinking it means we have to fix others. Also, making real change in life is strenuous. We are patient with you Little Magpie but we also want the best for you. We know it is one of the hardest things you will ever do. The change is painful but not changing is also painful so at least the growth is pain with a purpose. If we want to see our families we change, we need to work hard so we are not "the project." God loves us enough that he will focus on us if we are not doing well, rather than focus on the ones we want to see changed.

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October 07, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:02 PM

swan

Bill - Probably, but the man he was would have never done that and hated people who just stopped by. It is so strange to have so much contact after so many years of nothing to anyone, heck he hasn't really had much contact without own children in almost a year.

6:04 PM

Bill

swan @02: This is another example of the disconnect that accompanies ML. The very thing people "hate" earlier in life become habits in their life during ML. It shows the intensity of the struggle in their souls. The emotional energy shifts and drives them to behaviors they actually disagree with.

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September 30, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:02 PM

finding nemo

Bill - so how do I go forward with this because I am not sure if what I am doing is really making a difference?

6:02 PM

Bill

finding nemo: First of all, it takes a long-term view. We never know when the change will happen so we get "frantic" and "impatient." By "frantic" I mean we evaluate every step, every conversation, and every action and try to make it the key that will unlock every good and loving. By "impatient" I mean we set timelines that we hope (or expect) God to fulfill. These tend to leave us disappointed. I think a better approach is to commit to consistent personal growth while we ask God to make it so obvious when the change happens that we couldn't possibly miss it. I think this is what faithfulness is all about.

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September 23, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:03 PM

dogwood

Bill I just find myself getting a bit reserved in my day-to-day casual talking with husband, that I tend to be a little reserved in my emotion and transparency with him simply because I don't think he is transparent with me. I probably need to step down a level to meet his level. He is comfortable talking about facts and issues, or his depressive thoughts. I wonder how I should relate to him in the proper way.

6:03 PM

Bill

dogwood: For the most part, I would suggest you ask yourself, "What type of relationship is this in reality?" If it is a friendship, relate to him on a friendship level. If it is a casual friendship, relate to him on that level, etc. It will probably change with his moods but it at least helps you know how vulnerable and engaged to be as you interact with him.

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September 09, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:58 PM

Finding Nemo

Bill - And another quick question. My husband is telling me that he is not in a relationship with other woman that lives in his apartment. He is telling me that he is upset with me because he is trying to have a relationship with me, but I don't talk to him or contact him during the weekends. I don't because I am not sure what's really going on. Do you think it is okay that I contact him when he is at his apartment with this other woman?

5:58 PM

bill

Finding Nemo: Sure, but keep a watchful eye, midlife crisis is just weird enough that she might be just another tenant. IF he is asking you to contact him, feel free. If it gets weird, you can always back off.

 

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September 02, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:10 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - I have had to be god for myself these past several years to cope with the fact that God allowed this pain to happen.

6:10 PM

Bill

Little Magpie: I don't know why God "allowed this pain to happen." I just know that the world is filled with this kind of pain and Jesus is the only person I know of who has the power and the willingness to redeem our pain. I wish I had different parents and grandparents. I wish I hadn't been banished to the bathtub as a bed wetter. I wish I hadn't been in inappropriate situations with cousins before my parents discovered how unhealthy things were in the extended family. More important all that, however, is the fact that Jesus loves me and has an eternal plan that is much bigger than the pain.

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August 26, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:50 PM

dogwood

Bill @45 then should we restrain the freedom we are willing to give to those people?

5:50 PM

Bill

dogwood: If it was possible, maybe, but it isn't possible. We can restrain the freedom we give out kids but not our spouse. If you somehow succeeded in restraining your husband's freedom, you would be in the parent role and would be discouraging his growth and maturity. You would, therefore, set up a self-defeating system. Instead, we need to turn our loved ones over to God so He can discipline them strategically.

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August 19, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:25 PM

Little Magpie

Bill - d 16 and I would much rather spend time away from the house so we spend time out of the war zone. I have been tired of the eggshell walking and yelling and name calling for years!! Even before the marriage began.

5:25 PM

Bill

Little Magpie It is okay to schedule in breaks. The issues you have been wrestling with all cause stress and everyone responds to stress differently. Your husband obviously deals with stress through anger which can sound very personal, even though it is probably not as personal as it sounds. Taking a break gives you and d16 an opportunity to relax and enjoy your M-D relationship. It also gives husband an opportunity to relieve stress without directing it at you. If I were you, I would be praying diligently that God heals everyone in the family and softens the hearts of everyone involved. I would start with the doctrinal affirmation from The Bondage Breaker. I would read that prayer out loud every day until things calm down.

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August 12, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

6:05 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - My husband told me this weekend that he was 100 percent responsible for allowing his issues with me to keep him from seeing and interacting with his boys. I felt some of that is a dance around the big issues, but partly his processing some accountability.

6:08 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2@05: I think it is a good indicator that he is processing some accountability. It is still a little too intense to be realistic (100% responsible). The truth is that life and relationships are messy and flourish on grace. Those who live chaotically tend to focus on behavior, which we can never get completely right. I like the fact that he took some responsibility and look forward to it mellowing a little.

 

 

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August 05, 2015 / Wednesday Chat with Bill 5-6 pm PST / CR#2

5:28 PM

Finding Nemo

Bill - I would like to ask you a question. How can you tell if something going on is genuine or if it is just more midlife crisis smoke and mirrors? My situation feels a bit different, like there has been positive movement but when I look at the overall picture, nothing has really changed except the pendulum has swung super close back toward home. And I am sort of expecting it to swing back the other direction at any time.

5:28 PM

bill

finding nemo: excellent question, let me go around the block a bit, midlife is a matter of the heart which mean things can change pretty quickly, the clearest example of a heart issue is salvation. we can go from lost to found in a moment, midlife is similar. the agonizing part is watching people we love "orbit" around their decisions. they come close to take a look then drift away, then orbit back around, etc. I think we should enjoy the times they orbit closer but also should wait until they land before we go all in. hope that helps.

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