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September 28, 2016 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Little Magpie: Bill - I have done this for so many years, I don't know how to do things that "I Like", the "me" that I used to know and love I lost years ago and don't know if they exist anymore. All I know now is how to try to make people happy and do what they expect me to. How do I find her?

Bill: Little Magpie: You "let her out." You have already defined her and you have told us many times how she would operate if she was allowed to. So, you already know who she is and what she would do. The key is to get the guilt out of the way, give her permission to come on the scene and ignore the fear you will experience when you first try to do it. Once you push past that fear barrier, your confidence will begin to rise.

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September 07, 2016 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

dumbfounded2: Bill - Other interesting tidbits, he gave me his phone, email and banking passwords. I didn't ask for them, but I guess he sees this as some kind of step in gaining my trust. Any comments on this behavior?

Bill: dumbfounded2: Men tie trust to a few things in life. My experience is that females tend to "trust with everything" or struggle to "trust with anything." Men, on the other hand, boil it down to a few important areas of life. Your H appears to tie trust to his health, phone, email and money (I assume work is another anchor for him). By opening these areas of life to you, I believe he is making a very strong statement that you are the most trustworthy person in his life.

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August 10, 2016 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Little Magpie: Bill - I have been doing things "ON MY OWN" for so long I don't know how to start to "Lean on Him"

Bill: Little Magpie: That is one of the points. We are not very good at resting in his presence because we believe he is going to ask something of us. When we can't figure it out or don't accomplish what we think God wants, we conclude we have failed. The reality is God is crazy about each of us. He already sees us in the same light as he sees his son, Jesus. Since we are "in Christ" we are just as valuable and have the same access to God as Jesus does. We just have a hard time admitting it. I think the best place to start is to spend unencumbered time with your Savior. Don't ask what you are supposed to do or who you are supposed to become - just be with him. At the right time, God will lead.

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August 03, 2016 / Wednesday, Chat with Bill

Little Magpie: Bill - my kids have friends who are leading them astray; they think that gender is a choice and that everyone should be able to marry if they love each other. They both say that they are theists; one goes back and forth between atheist and theist.

Bill: Little Magpie: Peer pressure has always been the most influential force in human relationships. Eve took the fruit through the prodding of Satan. Adam took the fruit because Eve invited him to. The whole world at Babel followed those who wanted to build a structure that would challenge the God who created them and so on. The Bible clearly says, "Bad company corrupts good morals." We are seeing it on a widespread scale today in this country. Most people have not thought through the implications of what they believe about gender and relationships. They simply accept the values of others who seem to state them confidently and proclaim you don't fit in if you don't believe this way. We like to think it is a matter of logic but it is much more a matter of the heart and the heart is easily deceived. Praying for your kids.

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July 20, 2016 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

dumbfounded2: Bill - In your statement that the fear in my H is "real and powerful" is this why I should always let H lead and not push for relationship talks. There are times when H's behavior pushes past one of my personal boundaries and when I call him on it, he reacts by pulling close. I feel that he doesn't want to lose our marriage and it takes a great deal of time for him to overcome the fear and reengage.

Bill: dumbfounded2: You are right but I would make one adjustment. This kind of change is not about time, it is about a breakthrough of the heart. At some point, God will lead your H to a point of clarity where he can make a choice. That is the critical point that determines whether he walks in victory or continues in his pain. The problem is we cannot predict when the moment of clarity will happen.

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July 13, 2016 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Bill: Little Magpie: If you are talking about saying, "You should listen to this," then it is not a good idea. If you are going to share something that helped you, it is okay.

Little Magpie: Bill - I guess you are right. We both do that to each other. I sometimes react badly and say things like - Why did I ever open my mouth, etc. because we feel horrible and frustrated

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July 06, 2016 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

dumbfounded2: Bill - Gosh, Bill, sounds like our marriage, but his mom is not dominating in a mean way, it is subtle, disapproving looks or comments, almost unrecognizable unless you watch for it. I am a take charge, assertive woman, and do have opinions on things that matter to me, not everything under the sun. I don't want to run his life, but he has always let me run the house, handle bills, etc. and he went to work and provided for us. I think over the years I became more resentful of the load I was carrying and H didn't take on more, of course that is all water under the bridge as he has said in the past few years that he didn't appreciate what he had, that he didn't like handling bills, banks, and taxes. I am praying for a heartfelt change in H's heart and spirit and he does thank me specifically for prayers for him. He was raised in church, his parents are heavily involved in church, his brother is a deacon and I know that in H's heart he knows he is not walking the correct path spiritually.

Bill: dumbfounded2: No doubt. I think your H knows you are a good choice for him and that you would work with him to make things different. It sounds to me that he doesn't trust himself yet. It also sounds to me he is warming up to the idea (slowly of course).

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June 29, 2016 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

dumbfounded2: Bill - In your statement that the fear in my H is "real and powerful", is this why I should always let H lead and not push for relationship talks. There are times when H's behavior pushes past one of my personal boundaries and when I call him on it, he reacts by pulling close. I feel that he doesn't want to lose our marriage and it takes a great deal of time for him to overcome the fear and reengage.

Bill: dumbfounded2: You are right but I would make one adjustment. This kind of change is not about time, it is about a breakthrough of the heart. At some point, God will lead your H to a point of clarity where he can make a choice. That is the critical point that determines whether he walks in victory or continues in his pain. The problem is we cannot predict when the moment of clarity will happen.

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June 15, 2016 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Little Magpie: Swan - I will need to get more organized in order to make some calls but that is on the miles long list of things I need to get to. I get so nervous and then go into the paralyzed anxiety. I am really getting tired of the PTSD and the Fight/Flight/ Freeze syndrome that I seem to be plagued by.

Swan: Little Magpie - rather than having a mile long list, cut it down to the top two things, do them and then make another list of no more than two things (only one if it is a large task). You can only do one thing at a time and having long lists of things can actually create anxiousness which overwhelms the mind and nothing gets done.

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June 08, 2016 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Little Magpie: Bill - I took a free seminar with Leslie Vernick about the Emotionally Destructive Marriage and It was good. I did realize that our whole family is "Emotionally Destructive"

Bill: Little Magpie: All families have the potential to be emotionally destructive and most families operate this way. Every generation, however, has the opportunity to begin a healthy legacy. It is done step by step, choice by choice and it never happens instantly. God is faithful; however, when we just keep doing what we know is right and leave the results to him.

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June 01, 2016 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

happymommy1101: I have a question I've been wrestling with, so when my H and I discussed what days he would have our son and which days were mine it worked out that I pick him up from daycare Wed and have him until about noon on Sunday. Normally I spend all my non working time with my son but this coming Friday I was asked by a co worker (going through a similar situation) asked me to check out this art gathering. I really want to go but don't want to ask my H to take our son. I have an amazing friend who has babysat our son before, but I feel a little guilty about sending him to a babysitter on one of my nights.

Bill: happymommy1101: Just another thought on who should "babysit." I think it is best if you make this decision based on how it affects your son rather than how it affects either you or your H. When you make decisions on H's guilt, you are training your son to do the same thing later in life. When you take the approach, "I will ask my H first. IF he is available, great. If not, I will use a trusted babysitter." If H tries to make it more complicated than that, don't argue with him or explain things to him. Just say, "Ok, thanks for letting me know. I will take care of it." Your H gave up his right to evaluate you when he left so you don't owe him explanations until he decides to reconcile. Just a thought.

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