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January 10, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

8:09 PM [hepsy] bill - my h won't look at me (unless he is intoxicated) and I assume it is because of guilt. Do you think most guilt points to OW or just because they know they are behaving in ways that are hurting the family?

8:09 PM [Bill] hepsy - Guilt is a strange thing. It causes people to act defensively and childishly. Trying to make sense of it is impossible because the dots don't connect. Once people start choosing poorly, they quit thinking clearly and act in ways that are confusing, ineffective and immature. I think the best response is to accept that he is responding this way because of him not you.

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January 3, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST /CR#2

8:37 PM [MarySarah] Bill, My H is a particularly angry man with loads of baggage that he refuses to come to grips with. He is a runner & avoider, surface in relationships, poor attachment & abandonment issues. My H seemed to attach so easily to this ow as she is in some ways a female copy of him....very nice to people's faces & if it suits them. Everything is about fun & convenience. My H is so stand offish after 3 yrs or unkind. He doesn't step foot in our home even. It wasn't until recently he could say hello on the phone rather than grunt out a kids name to speak to. He still sometimes doesn't write my first name on support envelopes. Do I leave the rope on the ground so to speak or reach out. If I am kind or ask his advice, he tells all his employees & uses it to mock me i.e. like I asked his advice on ice fishing equip for our dtr or if he wanted take her...He lied & told people I asked him to take me He approached me at kids event & needed to gush, yet tells everyone I was stocking him as we watched our son.

8:43 PM [bill] MarySarah at 37: You described a number of issues of the heart in regard to you H. He is "angry" with "loads of baggage" etc. These are issues only God can steer. We often get trapped trying to change these things that we can't on our own. It is overly simple to say but job #1 is to make sure forgiveness is solid in your heart because this stuff hurts (we have a plan for keeping forgiveness alive in Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti and Love, Honor and Forgive). Job #2 is to keep boundaries that maintain self-respect for you (Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is helpful). Job #3 is to keep asking God to change your H heart. When God moves his heart, good things happen. In the absence of that, your efforts usually end up in disappointment.

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