Midlife Dimensions


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June 06, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR# 2

6:31 PM MLCWifeHepsy Bill - so I fear that my husband has legitimate reason to never forgive me and now I cannot really do anything about it because he has gone crazy and we cannot have a family now.

6:31 PM Bill MCLWife: Just so you hear it, there is no legitimate reason for never forgiving. We all make mistakes. We are all imperfect. Jesus died for all of them and we are all challenged to forgive everyone for everything (Colossians 3:13). Forgive yourself first then decide what you want to do about the child decision. Then commit your husband's response to God's care and let Him take it from there.

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May 30, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:07 PM wiffe Bill also I call my H every night for our girls.Like Saturday I had to "force" them to get the phone to call.Should I let him know that if the girls don't ask I'm not calling him?I want or need or feel he needs to "lose" something (I know bad of me)we have 2 1/2 weeks of school left then he won't see them daily either.

6:07 PM Bill Wiffe: It sounds like you may be taking on responsibility that is actually his. As a dad myself, I would never expect my kids to initiate the relationship. I assume it is up to me to start things and it is their job to respond. I don't see a problem with lowering the frequency. If I were you, I would initiate a call from the kids to dad once a week and tell him that he can call as much as he wants.

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May 23, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:28 PM nutterbutterBill : My H is doing a disappearing act on his days off. I hate to think the worst that he is with OW. But he gets angry when I ask where he's been. Even though he said we could work on our relationship, I feel he shouldn't have a problem letting me know where he is. Am I wrong or expecting too much?

6:28 PM Bill nutterbutter: under normal circumstances, informing each other where you are and what you do are healthy and considerate. The problem you have is that you are trying to trust your spouse based on what he is doing and he has not been doing the kinds of things that would help you trust him. In situations like this, it is best to shift your trust to Jesus by praying, "I am going to take my H at his word that he wants to work on the relationship. If there is something I need to know about would you let me know so clearly that I couldn't possibly miss it?" This opens your heart to God's leading and God is faithful to let you know how far you can trust.

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May 16, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:11 PM BlueskyBill What’s up with a spouse just walking away without looking back and no communication whatsoever. He was not about to work/change anything once he made his decision to leave. I feel we had a good R though he was terrible at communicating.

6:11 PM Bill Bluesky: This is an unfortunate "sidebar" to the fact that men compartmentalize their lives. When men feel embarrassed, guilty, insufficient, failing, etc. they will sometimes decide to just close a chapter of their lives. It is a shortsighted approach because significant connections (like family) always come back to complicate their lives. They somehow think walking away solves something for them.

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May 09, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:16 PM yoli Bill: Hi, how are you?I don't even know how to ask or what to ask anymore.I just feel so inadequate in all of this.I feel helpless.Older daughter seems to be so very angry and distant.Husband sees her daily; can he really not see what's going on with her?Does he really think that the OW will be accepted and invited to all of our daughter’s functions?

6:17 PM Bill Yoli: The best thing I can say to you right now is the realization Paul came to in 2 Corinthians 12:10, "When I am weak, I am strong." Only God can give you the kind of strength you are referring to now. Your H probably cannot see the struggles within your D. He is probably so self-absorbed that he is blind to the needs of others around him. Do your best to help your D focus on her own growth rather than the behavior of her dad. It is so easy to turn all the attention on the one who is making poor decisions when it should be on the ones who have the most in front of them.

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May 02, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:20 PM dogwood Bill My H who has partially moved out two weeks ago came to the house to talk with me about making plans to separate and divide assets.He wanted me to know that he is very very serious about the split and is not changing his mind about leaving. He asks me to make decision about what to do with the house which is a huge asset.I have been doing poorly since that talk; knowing it is the end of my hope.Should I force myself to accept that he is definitely leaving, not a temporary MLC?He said that he can't live under the same roof with me, and he needs to buy another house for himself with the 1/2 of the assets.This pushes me to make decisions on my relocation, giving up my work, etc. too much a change and is very scary.

6:20 PM Bill dogwood: There are a couple of principles I have found helpful to keep in mind when you are faced with situations like this. First, your husband's decisions are not a mandate for you to take action. Just because he wants you to decide right now doesn't mean you need to decide right now. If he stays on this course of action, you will need to make decisions but you are free to decide your timetable. Second, it is almost always best to move as slow as possible. Separations and divorces take a long time to figure out and settle. At the same time, the heart can change quickly. As a result, you want to move as slow as you possibly can to give God time to change both your heart and his heart. I hope that helps a little.

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April 28, 2011 / Thursday Special Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST

6:23 PM bumblebee#2 BillH is with OW tonight... We have a crazy life because he comes home and tells me all about everything that they do and talk about..I am thankful about the openness but???He is into this idea that this whole thing is good and of the Lord because it has increased such openness in our marriage.I just can't accept that God Almighty has orchestrated this affair..I know that our Lord works through our sin and boy am I thankful that He does...But to say that adultery is of the Lord seems so wrong.. Please know that H is so good at twisting things.

6:23 PM Bill bumblebee#2: I admire your courage to keep pursuing this relationship. First of all, I can definitely say that God has not orchestrated this affair or any affair. Just because God is patient and has unlimited grace does not mean that He contradicts Himself. The big problem is that the human heart is easily deceived and this is a good example of how someone can temporarily believe that something unhealthy can be good. I would make a commitment with God that I am going to keep doing what is healthy and then praying regularly that God turns my spouse's heart to see what is really going on.

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April 11, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:12 PM dogwood Bill What can I do to reduce H's fear?He said that he fears (of facing me?) as soon as he wakes up in the morning, that is why he does not want to wake up... and that is why he wants to move out to have his own place to get rid of the fear.I actually hardly see him for 2 minutes late night. I always leave the house before he wakes up.Also, he became uncomfortable at home even when I am not there during the day.he needs to be running out to be with people day and night ... He thought that he needs to move out to be away from me and from home...What can I do?

6:12 PM Bill dogwood: Keep loving him. The opposite of fear is love. Those who show strong fear are convinced that no one really loves them. As you persist in your love for him, it is possible God will break through to his heart.

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April 04, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:46 PM koko Bill when do you talk about the relationship?

6:46 PM Bill koko: There are moments when she will be vulnerable. At those times, talking about the relationship is effective and satisfying. It can be hard to recognize those times because the clues usually come from tone of voice and body language rather than words. Pray for wisdom to recognize those times.

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March 28, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:45 PM koko Bill I know reading about MLC usually says spouses running from God, my W seems to be trying to find him, she was not brought up a strong Christian but has friends who are and seems to be searching for something, I guess it’s positive who she is searching for answers with

6:45 PM Bill koko: You mentioned MLCers usually run from God but that is not always the case. The intense MLC cases are more about discovering who you are when you didn't figure it out earlier in life. This is way ML often looks like the teen years. Teens experiment with a lot of different identities to see which one feels the best. People in ML often do the same. The fact that W is looking to God to find this is a really good sign.

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March 21, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:18 PM digforhelp Bill - it seems like my wife holds a grudge against me. When she does talk to me it's very guarded and cold. Does MLCers have a problem with forgiveness?

6:18 PM Bill digforhelps: I appreciate your vulnerability and yes, MLCers have a problem with forgiveness. Almost always there is a deep wound involved which has been ignored and suppressed for a long time. The hurt finally catches up with the person who has refused to forgive for a long time. Since you are the closest person to her, she is resisting your influence and using you as a place to unload her stress. The safest people always get the worst treatment - totally unfair but common. Hang in there brother and pray for a breakthrough in her heart.

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