Midlife Dimensions


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July 25, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:19 PM


bill I've often wondered just how confused my H feels at the present

6:19 PM


Chapman: It is a question we all want to ask. The simple answer is that he is confused enough to make decisions that can never really work out for him. The answer is too simple, however. Like David Alan said, he was overwhelmed and confusion was part of it but not all. He is in the midst of a developmental struggle that creates physical, spiritual, emotional and social turmoil.



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July 18, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:14 PM   Chapman    Bill - Hi!   Over a week ago, my H said since he's been gone a year, it'd be "appropriate" for him to go ahead and file.     He has not mentioned anything since.   With your experience, do you think he is quietly plotting this, or no longer in that frame of mind with all his confusion?   Just wondering your take.   Thanks


6:14 PM   Bill    Chapman: It is hard to say because MLCers don't tend to think real clear. They tend to be more reactionary than plotting. Unless you see evidence to the contrary I would assume it was a random statement made in reaction to something and wouldn't assume it has a lot of substance.

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July 11, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:17 PM    digforhelp    Bill - I've had a very bad weekend. My wife has finally moved out. I was hoping she would change her mind but found out different when I arrived home from church Saturday. all her things and other things were gone. now what do I do? I feel very discouraged now. I had to take a sleeping pill to get some sleep. the first night but slept without the pill last night. I'm at a lost right now. I called her Saturday when she moved and she actually said she still loved me and always will and that we have a bond that cannot be broken. how could she say that and leave me at the same time? plus she took all the photo albums and left me not a one. why would she do that? I am just plain confused and dismayed at the same time.


6:23 PM    Bill    digforhelp I am so sorry. First of all, recognize you have been thrust into grieving. This is a real loss and it will raise a lot of emotional responses from you. You will be sad then laugh then feel bad for laughing then be confused then have great moments of clarity followed by anger - and so on. These are all normal grief responses. Second, recognize you are not alone. You will have lots of questions that will not have good answers because your wife is responding out of hurt and confusion rather than sound thinking and decision-making. I am sorry to say that you will have to live with the questions for a little while before you start making any sense of it. Third, do your best not to be reactionary. it is a lot to ask of you but it is still the best thing to do. In your hurt, you will discover things about Jesus that you never knew and He will, somehow, restore your hope. Keep thinking about what kind of person you want to be rather than what she has done - really hard but a good goal.

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June 20, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

7:11 PMbumblebee#2 BillHow do I deal with all the criticism that he spews to everyone?Sometimes I feel like I want to follow him around and defend myself...H is a very verbal person and everything gets talked about..even our intimate life.

7:11 PM Bill bumblebee#2: Ignore it the best he can. He is ruining his credibility by complaining about everything and spewing out criticism. People are going to figure out he is out of control and can't be trusted. If you follow him around and defend yourself, you give credence to his comments. I know it is hard but the best thing to do in situations like this is to let God defend you and trust that people will figure it out.

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June 13, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2


7:22 PM purpleflowers My H is really making things difficult for me with friends, he has got a lot of people to sympathized with him and making me out as the witch. It's been really hard for me to take. I just had a chat with a close friend of his, and it sounds really bad the words he use on me. I have emasculated him and belittled him, I am an abuser etc etc.....just tell me how to cope with all this slandering.

7:22 PM Bill purpleflowers: You can't control what he is saying or how others will interpret what he is saying. You can control your own integrity and your reactions to what you are hearing. Seek Jesus more intensely when you feel the pain and ask Him for renewed strength. Decide ahead of time you will not react to the statements you hear that are not true. Find a place to serve others so you get a break from your own pain and establish your integrity by helping others. God will then take care of your reputation.

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June 06, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR# 2

6:31 PM MLCWifeHepsy Bill - so I fear that my husband has legitimate reason to never forgive me and now I cannot really do anything about it because he has gone crazy and we cannot have a family now.

6:31 PM Bill MCLWife: Just so you hear it, there is no legitimate reason for never forgiving. We all make mistakes. We are all imperfect. Jesus died for all of them and we are all challenged to forgive everyone for everything (Colossians 3:13). Forgive yourself first then decide what you want to do about the child decision. Then commit your husband's response to God's care and let Him take it from there.

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May 30, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:07 PM wiffe Bill also I call my H every night for our girls.Like Saturday I had to "force" them to get the phone to call.Should I let him know that if the girls don't ask I'm not calling him?I want or need or feel he needs to "lose" something (I know bad of me)we have 2 1/2 weeks of school left then he won't see them daily either.

6:07 PM Bill Wiffe: It sounds like you may be taking on responsibility that is actually his. As a dad myself, I would never expect my kids to initiate the relationship. I assume it is up to me to start things and it is their job to respond. I don't see a problem with lowering the frequency. If I were you, I would initiate a call from the kids to dad once a week and tell him that he can call as much as he wants.

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May 23, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:28 PM nutterbutterBill : My H is doing a disappearing act on his days off. I hate to think the worst that he is with OW. But he gets angry when I ask where he's been. Even though he said we could work on our relationship, I feel he shouldn't have a problem letting me know where he is. Am I wrong or expecting too much?

6:28 PM Bill nutterbutter: under normal circumstances, informing each other where you are and what you do are healthy and considerate. The problem you have is that you are trying to trust your spouse based on what he is doing and he has not been doing the kinds of things that would help you trust him. In situations like this, it is best to shift your trust to Jesus by praying, "I am going to take my H at his word that he wants to work on the relationship. If there is something I need to know about would you let me know so clearly that I couldn't possibly miss it?" This opens your heart to God's leading and God is faithful to let you know how far you can trust.

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May 16, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:11 PM BlueskyBill What’s up with a spouse just walking away without looking back and no communication whatsoever. He was not about to work/change anything once he made his decision to leave. I feel we had a good R though he was terrible at communicating.

6:11 PM Bill Bluesky: This is an unfortunate "sidebar" to the fact that men compartmentalize their lives. When men feel embarrassed, guilty, insufficient, failing, etc. they will sometimes decide to just close a chapter of their lives. It is a shortsighted approach because significant connections (like family) always come back to complicate their lives. They somehow think walking away solves something for them.

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May 09, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:16 PM yoli Bill: Hi, how are you?I don't even know how to ask or what to ask anymore.I just feel so inadequate in all of this.I feel helpless.Older daughter seems to be so very angry and distant.Husband sees her daily; can he really not see what's going on with her?Does he really think that the OW will be accepted and invited to all of our daughter’s functions?

6:17 PM Bill Yoli: The best thing I can say to you right now is the realization Paul came to in 2 Corinthians 12:10, "When I am weak, I am strong." Only God can give you the kind of strength you are referring to now. Your H probably cannot see the struggles within your D. He is probably so self-absorbed that he is blind to the needs of others around him. Do your best to help your D focus on her own growth rather than the behavior of her dad. It is so easy to turn all the attention on the one who is making poor decisions when it should be on the ones who have the most in front of them.

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May 02, 2011 / Monday Chat with Bill 6-7 pm PST / CR#2

6:20 PM dogwood Bill My H who has partially moved out two weeks ago came to the house to talk with me about making plans to separate and divide assets.He wanted me to know that he is very very serious about the split and is not changing his mind about leaving. He asks me to make decision about what to do with the house which is a huge asset.I have been doing poorly since that talk; knowing it is the end of my hope.Should I force myself to accept that he is definitely leaving, not a temporary MLC?He said that he can't live under the same roof with me, and he needs to buy another house for himself with the 1/2 of the assets.This pushes me to make decisions on my relocation, giving up my work, etc. too much a change and is very scary.

6:20 PM Bill dogwood: There are a couple of principles I have found helpful to keep in mind when you are faced with situations like this. First, your husband's decisions are not a mandate for you to take action. Just because he wants you to decide right now doesn't mean you need to decide right now. If he stays on this course of action, you will need to make decisions but you are free to decide your timetable. Second, it is almost always best to move as slow as possible. Separations and divorces take a long time to figure out and settle. At the same time, the heart can change quickly. As a result, you want to move as slow as you possibly can to give God time to change both your heart and his heart. I hope that helps a little.

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