buttons: bill yes, swan was just saying that the other night and I think that so often we get ourselves into a state because we can't forgive ourselves rather than because of what others have done. God is the great forgiver and clearer of sins if He can send His son to take our sins then we have no reason to hold onto them and not forgive ourselves (another thing I heard paraphrased).
Bill: Swan: Thank you for what you shared. You pointed out two of the most important decisions that must be made in order to reach wellness and gain control over our personal growth. "I finally had to find a way to forgive" and "the depression was having adverse affects on my life." In order to overcome this kind of thing from the past, we have to set our hearts free with forgiveness. Then we have to empower our choices by taking responsibility for how life is impacting us. Way to go, keep telling this story.
Dogwood: Bill, The biggest challenge for me is to be by myself, knowing that my H has left me. I can be alone and doing very well when I know that I have him in our marriage. I know that is my weakest point, I feel very ashamed if my marriage fails. I like to have a loving relationship with my H. I need to be able to experience the love of God is sufficient for me.
Bill: Dogwood: Your description is spot on. "Jesus, please give Dogwood the grace to trust you for her marriage, her well-being and for strength beyond her own. Please track down her H and move his heart toward you first and toward her second. While she waits, give her peace that is beyond our understanding and resolve that is beyond our ability."
Little Magpie: Bill - Seems Her H was not what she thought. Can someone have MIL in their 20's???
Bill: Little Magpie: No, MLC does not happen in the 20s but there are plenty of other reasons people sabotage their lives at any stage of their journey. He is obviously either quite selfish or very wounded. "Hurt people hurt people" which is why all of us need a plan for recovery. We want our future to be much better than our past.
Dogwood: Bill, You are absolutely right, I had several discussions with him, but he does not see things the same way as me. I see that he is not taking the right path to total trust in God. I can't make him to see or understand, whereas, I feel very hurt in the meantime.
Bill: Dogwood: I am sure you have been quite hurt through all this. I admire you for keeping your commitment despite the pain and for staying productive in the midst of all the chaos.
Little Magpie: Bill - How do you Trust in God?
Bill: Little Magpie: Great question. Learning to trust God is a process that takes time and is built step by step. The first step is telling yourself over and over that God's word is true. No matter how we "feel" about it or how much of it we struggle to understand, trust begins with the mental conclusion that God wrote what is true. The next step is to simply do what we understand. So, we read the Bible regularly, pray when we are anxious, serve others when we have the opportunity, give thanks in all things, worship wholeheartedly, etc. Our obedience is never perfect or complete but each time we do what we know is true, we strengthen our trust in God. Another step that helps build trust is choosing one area that we want to change. God's presence in our lives gives us the opportunity to make changes that weren't possible on our own. When we decide to focus on any of these areas regardless of how simple it might be, our trust grows. One thing that holds us back from building trust is self-condemnation. It is not hard to find reasons to devalue ourselves and run ourselves down. Jesus died for all those so that we won't be condemned at judgment. When we give in to self-condemnation, we divert our focus away from God's power as we intensify our own deficiencies.
Little Magpie: Bill - I am trying to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding and to acknowledge him in all ways for Him to direct my path" especially lean not on my own understanding, because I don't understand
Bill: Little Magpie: Well done. There are so many times we all have to live in that place. God is doing so much more than we understand or could even comprehend. We are forced to walk in obedience, do what we know is right, seek God for strength and peace and ask God to give us wisdom for the choices we must make every day. Keep leaning!
Swan: Bill - The ironic thing is my home growing up was always total chaos, disorganized, messy actually, all except my bedroom and I would get angry if anyone went into my room and touched, moved anything. Having been in the Marine Corps and then married to a Marine for 28 years, that allowed me to have the everything in its place setting I was most comfortable in and my husband was also pretty much the same - UNTIL MLC hit, then he became so scattered, he couldn't seem to get his laundry in the basket, he had little piles of clothes all over our bedroom floor and it drove me crazy, but don't dare touch his stuff, if I even picked up a pile of clothes and put them in the washer, he would get angry and accuse me of snooping and spying on him. It wasn't until I found out about the first other woman that I started to understand why he had become so secretive even with things as simple as dirty clothes.
Bill: Swan: AS you shared, I was amazed once again at how "poorly" people hide their sins. You would think that your H would keep his routine, keep his habits and hide any signs that think that were drastically different. Instead, it is like people light off fireworks announcing the behaviors that will never be sustainable in the current situation. Fascinating!
Little Magpie: Swan - you and Bill help me to figure out my way. I am trying to get out of chaos and trying to stay out of the chaos it's difficult
Bill: Little Magpie: Welcome to the journey! When chaos gets ingrained in our souls because of family dynamics it takes smart focus and effort to unwind it.
Little Magpie: Swan- it is nice that we have some "free" ways to "see" each other. She also used FB message as a tool as well. My dad had a Face Time call with her the other day.
Bill: Little Magpie: Is it my misconception or is your family staying more connected with your D since she has moved? It sounds like everyone is reaching out to her.
Little Magpie: Bill - Thanks! Adjustment is difficult. Having a hard time with sleep and staying focused. I end up crying at the weirdest things. H is doing his hobby in your area and due to the financials is unable to bring anyone with him. We got a puppy so have those to adjust around too.
Bill: Little Magpie: Adjustment is difficult - that may be the understatement of the day. I know change is good for us but most of us would prefer not to change very much. We like knowing what to expect and how to handle the situations that come our way. Life does not seem content to do that, however. Even good things (like puppies) require maturity, decision-making, patience and humility!
KIKIG: All: I guess prayer and time is really the only hope? I am in a prayer group and bible study groups. I often wonder if I am the one who changed b/c I began refusing to put up with his mean, insensitive, hurtful behaviors. He was just plain cruel to me. Is it wise for me to just stay away from him, at all costs? He wanted to meet me to sign income tax pages and I just made excuses and asked him to fax them to me. It is just too hurtful to see him!
Bill: KIKIG: To your question about having contact with your H, here is my opinion. You are attached for life to your H because you had kids together and will be grandparents to the same grandkids. At minimum, you have a friendship so you should treat your H the way you would treat any other friend in your life. It could be more if he chooses but your lives are connected enough you should pursue whatever level of friendship he will allow. The other benefit of this is that you live out the person you want to be rather than living in reaction to him.