Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

We hope you've found our website to be helpful and encouraging. You can play a big part in the lives of others by supporting the upkeep of midlife.com, and our chat room, with a tax-deductible donation of any amount, big or small. Thank you for being a part of our team!

Choose your donation level:
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

February 13, 2019 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Swan: Bill - My husband did this to our grandson a few times when he still lived in the San Diego area, after so many times our son told his dad that when he makes plans to either follow through or don't say anything to the grandson, just show or don't, but he wasn't going to allow his father to continue to break this little boys heart by promising and then not caring enough to do it. We all thought my husband was going to get really upset and do the disown thing, but he actually said he understood and complied with our son's rules, at least for a couple years, then did the no show thing again, but at least called two days later with the excuse that the other woman wouldn't let him visit with them. Before MLC, one thing my husband was, was a man of his word, after MLC his word seems to mean nothing but air coming out of his mouth.

Bill: Swan: It is confusing because our beloved MLCers love their family members. They are just too scared of their influence to build solid connections. Confusion and undependable actions give them the out they are looking for without having to admit they are weak. I find it interesting your H blamed the OW - sounds like the garden all over again.

 

For a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at

http://love-wise.com/product.php

or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20  
 Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.
 

If this Chat Room Session has helped you or ministered to your heart, please consider sponsoring 1 Chat Room a month to help us keep our Chat Rooms active and Archives updated. Each session costs us $30 to host, edit, and post.

We can't do it without your help. Thanks for caring.  Be A Chat Room Sponsor

 

February 13, 2019 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Swan: Hi Bill

Bill: Hi Swan.

Swan: Bill - I will do that. I have so much empathy for her, she put so much into her marriages and the guys just don't seem to give the same.

Bill: Swan: It is agonizing to watch people not invest in a relationship they claimed to care about. Obviously, there is something "off" in her ability to be attracted to men who are strong, healthy and willing to grow with her. Hopefully, we can help her find a better rhythm.

Swan: Bill - we were discussing why our spouses make promises to our children and/or grandchildren and then just don't show. Inviting the child out to dinner, they get all dressed up and wait and dad doesn't show, doesn't call, nothing and then later act as if nothing happened, even get upset if anyone dares to mention that they no showed. We know MLC is irrational, but their kids, especially when they are younger children??

Swan: Bill - My husband did this to our grandson a few times when he still lived in the San Diego area, after so many times our son told his dad that when he makes plans to either follow through or don't say anything to the grandson, just show or don't, but he wasn't going to allow his father to continue to break this little boys heart by promising and then not caring enough to do it. We all thought my husband was going to get really upset and do the disown thing, but he actually said he understood and complied with our son's rules, at least for a couple years, then did the no show thing again, but at least called two days later with the excuse that the other woman wouldn't let him visit with them. Before MLC, one thing my husband was, was a man of his word, after MLC his word seems to mean nothing but air coming out of his mouth.

Bill: Swan: Great discussion. Of course, it will drive everyone crazy trying to figure it out because it is so irrational at its core it defies explanation or understanding. Sabotage is the key to seeing it for what it is. Men can sense in their souls they are highly influential in the lives of their loved ones. If they are immature, scared, narcissistic, lazy or out of touch with God's purpose for life, they get intimidated by the "power" they have. Rather than admit it and grow through it, they sabotage their influence. They don't want to send people away, they just don't want others to depend on them. Hence, the unexplained behavior that leaves everyone confused.

Bill: Swan: It is confusing because our beloved MLCers love their family members. They are just too scared of their influence to build solid connections. Confusion and undependable actions give them the out they are looking for without having to admit they are weak. I find it interesting your H blamed the OW - sounds like the garden all over again.

Swan: Bill - That makes a lot of sense, my husband became responsible for a wife and baby before he was 19 years old and a second baby before 21 years. When he became an officer in the Marine Corps he had a platoon of people depending on him and that was really put to the test during Desert Storm. After he retired from the military, he had a department at his civilian job that depended on him and even though our children were adults, he still felt responsible (they really didn't ask, but he was always coming up with things we should do to help them). And even though I don't know firsthand I have been told by others that the other woman is very needy and he had to do things in that relationship he hadn't done since he was a kid living at home. I always took care of the yard, I had the time, and then our children did it. I either did minor repairs around the house or called military housing maintenance. I learned to change oil in the cars and took them to the shop for anything bigger. He had enough to deal with in the Marine Corps and being an intelligence officer kept him often going away for days or weeks at a time. He typically didn't know when or where and all I got was a phone call saying he was on mission and the name of my point of contact (the Marine Corps always made sure there was someone that I could call if anything happened).

Swan: Bill - I know this may sound odd and some have attacked me because I say this, but I feel sorry for the other woman. She definitely didn't have any clue she was getting what she did when she got involved with my husband. I hear things from time to time and after the second year he has not been kind to her. Something happened between her youngest son and my husband and my husband threw him out of their house and has forbidden even visits by the son and his now wife and two kids. But that could also be a big part of why my husband now lives in Texas and she is still in California and reportedly not going to join him in Texas.

Bill: Swan: It is a testament to your personal growth that you can "feel sorry" for her. Sure, she made bad choices and was probably selfish on her own part in the relationship but she was also used by your H to run away from his God-given responsibilities and to try and fill the hole in his heart. These are impossible pursuits so it has now become tumultuous. She deserves compassion and grace just like every other imperfect person.

Swan: Bill - My husband was never really one to take responsibility, but as a child he didn't have to, his mother typically blamed anyone and everyone when he did something, unless it was good then she took credit. He blamed his mother for most of his childhood and young adulthood, then he father for not stopping his mother. After we married, I often got the blame for things that didn't go his way or when he did something wrong or got in trouble. After the kids got older, they got blamed for a lot. He would blame the Marine Corps. So, the other woman being blamed was just the next step in his life. As far as I know he is alone in Texas, it will be interesting to see who he blames now or how fast he finds someone to be involved with so he has someone else to blame.

Bill: Swan: I believe this is one of the innate traits of human nature. In Genesis 3, it sounds like Adam is blaming Eve but in reality he is blaming God - "this woman YOU gave me." Adam had no negative training, no unhealthy parents, no corrupt media, etc. He simply came up with this strategy on his own.

Swan: Bill - My daughter said, she got a phone call from the other woman's oldest son one night and he was saying that her father had hit his mother and she needed to do something about that immediately. My daughter says she asked him, just what did they expect her to do, what his mother needed to do was call the police and have her husband arrested. My daughter later talked with her father and he said they were fighting and he turned to walk away from her and she hit him in the head with a pan, so he smacked her. Regardless of why, he was wrong in my opinion.

Bill: Swan: Two grown adults ought to know how to dismiss themselves from an escalating scene before it gets to this point. Chaos, however, knows no bounds and will find a way to express itself until it is brought under the control of the Holy Spirit!

Swan: Bill - Exactly and he knew how to do that, we both came from homes of abuse and when we argued or got angry with the kids, we would stop and someone would take a walk, often when they returned, we just went to separate corners (so to speak) and then later would sit down and discuss the situation and how it made us feel. My children learned early when Mommy told them it was time for them to go to their rooms and be quiet for a time, it was because I was very upset. I never wanted to do to my children what had been done to me, so I would put space between us for a while, it worked for us all those years.

Bill: Swan: You two created a system that kept the chaos in check but it evidently did not develop into a disciplined conviction for your H. Now that he is outside the system, the chaos takes over at times. Tough stuff.

Swan: Bill - that makes sense, I was the one that feared harming our children or each other. I witnessed what my step father did to us kids and my mother. My father in law wasn't physically abusive, but he was also "working" all the time (two sometimes three jobs).

Bill: Thanks. See you next week

Swan: Bill - My husband did this to our grandson a few times when he still lived in the San Diego area, after so many times our son told his dad that when he makes plans to either follow through or don't say anything to the grandson, just show or don't, but he wasn't going to allow his father to continue to break this little boys heart by promising and then not caring enough to do it. We all thought my husband was going to get really upset and do the disown thing, but he actually said he understood and complied with our son's rules, at least for a couple years, then did the no show thing again, but at least called two days later with the excuse that the other woman wouldn't let him visit with them. Before MLC, one thing my husband was, was a man of his word, after MLC his word seems to mean nothing but air coming out of his mouth.

Bill: Swan: It is confusing because our beloved MLCers love their family members. They are just too scared of their influence to build solid connections. Confusion and undependable actions give them the out they are looking for without having to admit they are weak. I find it interesting your H blamed the OW - sounds like the garden all over again.

Register to read more...