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October 17, 2018 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Bill: All: It is good to remind ourselves that everyone lives out their view of themselves. Someone who believes they are valuable, loving, productive and worthwhile will invest in relationships and pursue strong goals. Someone who believes they are a victim, have been ripped off by life, deserves pain, etc. will be underproductive and will pursue chaotic goals. This is why a close walk with Jesus is so helpful. Embracing the fact that we are God's children will profoundly impact our behavior. 

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October 17, 2018 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Swan: Hi Bluesky - How are you tonight?

Bill: Good evening Swan and Bluesky. How are you tonight?

Bluesky: Hi Swan and Bill, I saw the email reminder today and thought wow, I haven't been in for awhile.

Bluesky: How are you two?

Swan: Bill - I am doing well.

Swan: Bluesky - I am glad you joined us, it is always nice to visit with you. How are things in your corner of the world?

Bluesky: So I was looking something up the other day for MLC. And this page just doesn't come up. So many articles do but that could be why we don't see much traffic. Sorry to say.

Bluesky: Swan, same ole, same ole. I have had a nasty cold for too long. I haven't been sick in a long time and this is the 2nd time in 2 months. So something is up.

Swan: Bluesky - Yeah, Bill is working on restructuring the site, it seems since we got hacked that one time (not an issue now, protection has been put in place), we just seemed to get lost.

Bill: All: For the most part, I am doing well. I have an overwhelming list I am trying to work through while Pam and I are in the heart of our Fall schedule. It is funny that for three months we are not "qualified" as live aboard residents on our boat which means are at the boat less than 10 days each month - LOL!

Bluesky: Swan, how are you? Work?

Bluesky: Swan, great to hear. SEO is so important, though not sure how to make it work. lol

Bluesky: Bill, where is your boat?

Swan: Bluesky - work is stressful some days, but for the most part a lot of fun. It keeps me busy which I really like.

Bill: All: Keep praying about the site. It is rising on the priority list.

Bluesky: Swan, that is good, except for stress. Throw that out the window.

Bill: Bluesky: Our boat is in Oxnard, CA. We moved onto it a year ago to make it easier to travel and be away from home. These three months are a good reminder of why we made the move.

Swan: Bluesky - I try to just let things be for the most part, we just have days when we are really busy and trying to make everyone happy, get them good service, etc. can be a little stressful, but to be honest that is on me, I tend to speed up when things need to be done, trying to do it all. I have always been one of those E women and even age doesn't seem to slow me down. One of my prayers each day is for the Lord to help me pace myself and not feel I need to get it all done right now.

Bluesky: all, I was listening to a podcast today called Jay Sekulow live, usually politics. But today he had a previous host of QVC on who wrote a book about his wife who died of cancer. It just breaks my heart to hear such a good loving family man give so much to his wife while sick and treasured her while alive compared to being thrown out with the trash (including the family).

Bluesky: Bill. you live on a boat? How does it make it easier to travel? Do you mean the upkeep of a home? That's pretty wild.

Swan: Bluesky - There are times when I ask God why bad things happen to good people, while bad people seem to be prospering? Those are times when I usually dig deep into the Word of God because I think that the enemy is bringing doubt to my mind. I often get reminded of the bad that happened to some of the greatest believers in the Bible.

Bluesky: Swan, I know you are. You have a ton of integrity.

Bill: Bluesky: Yes we live on a boat. Upkeep of the boat is proving to be much easier than our house (no weeds, yardwork). Also, the dock is behind a security gate so it is protected when we are gone. And, when we are home, it is a very relaxing environment that helps us de-stress rather than pour over the to do list we could never keep up with. It probably won't be forever but it is cool right now. And . . . it is close to my parents so I can look in on them efficiently.

Bluesky: all, anyway, the book is call Hurricane of Love, by Dan Wheeler. I haven't read it.

Bluesky: Bill, wow, amazing choice. Have you always been a water guy?

Bluesky: Bill, can the grandkids visit? And do you travel together always? Like the VP? lol

Bluesky: Bill, I am from just north of there so I know the area well.

Bill: Swan: Your comments at 5:19 remind me of Psalm 37:1-4, "Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong; 2 for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. 3 Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Swan: Bill - do you find instances that you can boat to a tour location and dock while there, if so that would be great, you have your home right there with you. My boss when I worked at Del Mar Beach on Camp Pendleton years ago, lived on his boat after he retired. He and his wife downsized and spent most of their time in one location, but being from Northern California would also take off and head up there on the boat. His wife always said it was great to have her stuff with her and not moving in with family for any amount of time. She loved her family but didn't like being at others people’s homes for too many days.

Bluesky: Swan, that is what I originally thought Bill was saying. But I know he travels all over. lol

Swan: Bill - That is one of the scriptures I have on my wall as a reminder when those whisperings of "why" come to mind.

Bluesky: Bill, downsizing must have been hard.

Bill: Swan: If we were more organized we might be able to pull that off. What I mean by that is the boat is slow (top speed 11 knots) so it takes 2 days to get to San Diego. If we planned two days of travel before and after the event we could work it in because there are marinas we could stay at as part of our marina fees. We just haven't thought that far enough ahead to make it work yet.

Swan: Bluesky - You know it really isn't as hard as I always thought it would be. I had to downsize when I moved into a small condo in Missouri and when I moved back here to California I knew I was only going to have my bedroom (and I have a small area in the garage for some boxes). I thought I would miss so much, but honestly haven't really. In fact lately I have thinking of going through the boxes and anything I haven't used in six months, it might go in the donation box.

Bill: Bluesky: Downsizing wasn't hard, it was traumatic! Letting go of stuff you think is vital to your life is agonizing, until you do then it is freeing. Giving away thousands of books was probably the hardest part.,

Bluesky: Swan, yeah, but you still have access to what's in the house, haha, I couldn't give up my crock pot or Vitamix. Funny.

Bluesky: Bill, traumatic is a great word for it. Wow. What about photo albums and memories? Did you just go digital?

Bill: All: Moving to a boat was probably easier for us than others for two reasons. 1. Pam loves the water so I didn't have to convince her of the benefits. 2. We have been traveling for years presenting at conferences so living on the road was already familiar to us.

Bluesky: All, I need to declutter big time. Some day.

Swan: Bill - When my son and daughter in law bought my bedroom set, they made a point of getting a four compartment book shelf, it was hard choosing which books I would bring, but couldn't bring more than would fit. That was one of the hardest choice parts of my move, but I did it. Now there are times when I will say, darn I wish I had this or that, but then remember how nice it is not to have to clean so much.

Bluesky: Bill that makes sense. I am such a homebody.

Bill: Bluesky: We took our photo albums and memories to our son's house who have room in his basement. We assume we will move back into a house when we are done taking care of my parents and we can pull out the "treasures" then.

Swan: Bluesky - a crock pot and vitamix are small items, they would even fit on a boat. Yes, we have those and they are in the kitchen. It is nice that I was able to bring a couple of those type things that my daughter in law didn't have, they are now family items.

Bluesky: Bill, Oh, I see.

Bill: Bluesky: Part of my motivation is my parents' home. To say their place is cluttered is one of the understatements of the year. I realize they are not going to do anything about it so it will be up to us when they pass. I didn't want to put this on my kids so we got ahead of the game.

Bluesky: Bill, yes, I have read many stories of that happening. Such a difficult time. Very smart.

Bill: Bluesky: By the way, we have a refrigerator, crock pot, coffee maker, stove and oven on the boat. All the amenities with 25% of the room!

Bill: Bluesky: I don't know about smart - desperate yes.

Swan: Bill - my grandparents had so much stuff and when they had passed my father just left it all in the house and actually added some of his stuff to it. He owned the house they lived in across the street from him and I guess he was able to not rent it or sell it. When my father passed, my older brother got the task of cleaning all of the stuff out, he said he was able to donate much of the stuff, but had to throw so much away. I never thought of either my grandparents or father as hoarders, but maybe they were, at the very least, they kept so much even when they didn't use it.

Bluesky: Swan, that was just the beginning of my list. lol Oh well, I get seasick anyway. So no boat for me. But I am very happy it is working out so well for you Bill.

Bill: Swan: Amazing. It is definitely a North American challenge. We have so much stuff available to us and it is easy to think it is all very important. The things we had at our house was all useful so I don't want to say that we all have trivial stuff. All I know is that I have yet to miss anything and we have been on the boat for a year. we'll see how it goes as time passes.

Swan: Bluesky - I do fine on large ships, but smaller boats not so much, so it isn't something I could do, maybe an RV, it doesn't rock and roll with the water. LOL

Bluesky: Bill, what do you think about our guys here that all seem to be stuck. I am referring to the ESG group. We have all been at this for so long.

Bill: All: I am the first to say that boat living is not for everyone and I am not sure how I would feel about it if we were on the boat everyday. but for now, it is working great for us.

Bluesky: Swan, there ya go. A girl on the road.

Swan: Bluesky - speaking of RV's, when we sold our home my husband bought an RV and lived in it for about three months, he seemed to like it, but the other woman did not and as soon as they got married she demanded they get rid of the RV and buy a house.

Bluesky: Swan, what the OW wants, the OW gets. Seriously!

Bill: Bluesky: Tell me more about you mean by "stuck." I certainly have some thoughts but would like to clarify a little before I jump in.

Bluesky: Bill, okay, nothing is changing, that I can see. No movement to have a relationship with kids.

Bluesky: Bill, did you like my disclaimer? That I can see? lol

Swan: Bluesky - Aw we all get what we want when a relationship is in the honeymoon stages. From what I hear she doesn't get what she wants so much now, my husband rebels at times, but also seems to be prone to taking the road of least resistance and then complaining to anyone who will listen. I know it is bad, but there are times when I hear some to that from others I find myself giggling a little and think, well that is what he wanted, be careful what you ask because you just might get it.

Bluesky: Swan, interesting. My visual of my husband of being stuck is what he was like before he left. Depressed just sitting on the couch. Not taking any action. I feel like he is doing round 2 but I have no idea, really.

Bluesky: Bluesky, I do believe he knows he made a mistake but I don't have any proof. Just a strong feeling.

Swan: Bluesky - It is my opinion that my husband is still depressed and just plain doesn't feel good about himself, his choices and the guilt keeps him running away from relationships that would remind him of those choices. Until my husband can move beyond that he is going to stay stuck. He often makes comments to others that are "poor me" type statements. It is sad, but only my husband can change that, he has to stop running, especially from God.

Bluesky: Swan, Amen. Exactly.

Bill: Bluesky: This journey we are all on is complex, strenuous and highly emotional journey. It brings all the best and worst about us to the surface. In the case of men, we are "success" creatures which means we only focus on pursuits we believe we can succeed at while we avoid areas in which we believe we will fail. To our detriment, we will allow bad situations to fester for far too long as we deny that it will have a bad outcome. Then we tell ourselves we have allowed too much time to pass for us to be successful now. It is purely an emotional path of making choices that takes on a life of its own as time passes. It is not so much "stuck" because they aren't trying to move anyway. It is more like denial mixed in with distractions.

Swan: Bluesky - I am a fixer and if I had to be around my husband, it would be so hard for me to not try to fix everything for him. So maybe the zero contact rule is for my benefit more than theirs. I am sure the other woman didn't take me into any consideration when she made that rule, but turns out I have so much peace in my life and she doesn't (from what others say).

Bluesky: Bill, That just described Swan's and probably my husband to a T.

Bill: All: It is good to remind ourselves that everyone lives out their view of themselves. Someone who believes they are valuable, loving, productive and worthwhile will invest in relationships and pursue strong goals. Someone who believes they are a victim, have been ripped off by life, deserves pain, etc. will be underproductive and will pursue chaotic goals. This is why a close walk with Jesus is so helpful. Embracing the fact that we are God's children will profoundly impact our behavior.

Bluesky: Swan, aren't we all. I just had a hard lesson last week with one of my kids. I had to step back and trust. And it is working out wonderfully.

Bill: Swan and Bluesky: Thank you for demonstrating the power of growth. We all struggle with inconsistencies and shortcomings but we can always move forward.

Swan: Bill - in the Marine Corps my husband could take on the most impossible situations and handle it so well, but in other things he would almost bury his head in the sand and then seemed shocked and would get angry when things didn't go his way. I used to tell him that if he does nothing thinking it will just go away was unrealistic, looking back on it, that was probably not the best thing to tell him. There were just times I was tired of taking charge and fixing, but the result of allowing it to just happen was often worse than just taking care of it.

Bill: Swan: Your description is profound. Marriage is a partnership that requires both partners to function well. When one partner chooses not to take care of his/her responsibilities, the other is affected adversely. We can make up for it for a while but eventually it deteriorates to the point that it is not sustainable. We all hope the wake up moment happens before things get too bad.

Bluesky: Well, it was great chatting with you both tonight. Thanks for the answers.

Bluesky: Bill, your answer is profound as well.

Swan: Bill - my motto for my life has become that I am going to live my life forward and when my husband comes to his senses it will be up to him to catch up with me and that I believe God will enable him to do that. I just couldn't stay stuck in the pain of my husband's choices and I cannot live my life worrying about what he might or might not do. I have to grow and progress for my own sanity and health.

Bluesky: Night.

Bill: Swan: Keep sharing your motto, it is awesome.

Bill: Bluesky: thanks for joining us. Have a great week.

Bill: See you all next week.

Swan: Night

Bill: All: It is good to remind ourselves that everyone lives out their view of themselves. Someone who believes they are valuable, loving, productive and worthwhile will invest in relationships and pursue strong goals. Someone who believes they are a victim, have been ripped off by life, deserves pain, etc. will be underproductive and will pursue chaotic goals. This is why a close walk with Jesus is so helpful. Embracing the fact that we are God's children will profoundly impact our behavior. 

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