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August 15, 2018 / Wednesday chat with Bill

Little Magpie: Bill and Swan- I recently noticed that both my H and I take things personally and if I didn't clarify he thinks I'm telling him that he messed up or did something wrong because he didn't do something the way I had perceived it to be done

Bill: Little Magpie: this stuff happens because your hearts are connected. You have an influence on each other that is stronger than anyone else in your life. In marriage, we need to protect each other's hearts more than we need to pass on the information.

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August 15, 2018 / Wednesday chat with Bill

Swan: Hi Bill

Bill: Hi Swan

Swan: Bill - How are things going with your dad? We have an older couple that lives a couple doors down from us and there are times we would see him walking up and down the block in his pajamas. He never left our street (thank goodness), but did act a little odd. Last week the family was knocking on doors looking for him, they explained the issue with him and said that with the heat as high as it has been, he seemed to be less mentally aware. This day, he had wondered off in only his house robe. Fortunately many neighbors joined in and found him, he was sitting around the corner in some bushes. It is so sad when people we love start to just not be as alert as they once were. We now know that if we see the older man out walking to get him back home, my daughter in law told the family we would be happy to stop what we are doing and guide him back. They couple has one of their grandson's living with them now, so hopefully he won't be wondering off as much.

Swan: Hi Little Magpie

Bill: Swan: Fortunately, we are not having any of those issues with my parents. My dad's issues are with mobility but he is incredibly sharp mentally. My mom is sharp too (weird as she always has been) but sharp.

Little Magpie: Hello Swan and Bill

Bill: Hi Little Magpie

Swan: Bill - that is great, being mentally sharp is a blessing. In high school I worked as a nurse’s aide at a ladies home, we had some of the ladies that were in their 90's as alert as I was at 18, others not so much, but I loved reading to and chatting with some of the ladies, the stories from their lives were so interesting.

Little Magpie: Bill - Trying to talk w/ Husband and D's but it's tough as I feel like I have to constantly explain that I have to talk things through and I am not pointing fingers and not to take things personally or harsh

Swan: Bill - sometimes "weird" is a choice, it can make life more fun! LOL

Bill: We had a funny experience at the Dodger game. My dad loves the Dodgers so we got 4 ADA seats (My dad, my sister, my BIL and me). When we got there, our seats were taken by another family. In talking with the family, they told me "mom" wanted to go to a game on his 97th birthday. So, we asked a 97 year-old to move so we could park my dad's wheelchair. Amazingly, she was very agile and happily moved to her seat and enjoyed the game.

Little Magpie: Swan and Bill, it is a blessing that your folks are sharp. Mine folks are too but they are forgetting more things. Some due to hearing issues.

Little Magpie: Bill- glad you all were able to enjoy the game. The Dodgers are my team too. I don't watch or follow sports though.

Swan: Little Magpie - Sadly I find myself tuning out when my daughter starts to explain when she is talking, I have to remind myself that she works in the legal field and it is just how she does this. However, most times she comes across as lecturing, especially when I or anyone does not immediately understand what she is talking about. My son in law is blessed with the patience of a saint, because when can be something as her expressing her day can turn into an argument if he doesn't demonstrate the correct responses. She doesn't intent to lecture, she is simply expressing herself, but some do take it and it is the perspective of the person hearing us that can change how we are feeling. Have you been able to ask them what it is about your words that make them feel you are pointing or harsh?

Bill: Little Magpie: All I can say is that it is not your responsibility to make them hear or to make them understand. It is simply your responsibility to share your heart and state what is true with grace. Then, you have to let God work on the ones you care about until they see.

Swan: Little Magpie - what Bill says is so true, state what you have to and if they don't understand or hear, then it is their responsibility to get more information to clarify.

Bill: Little Magpie: It is a "foreign language" kind of thing. You ladies think and feel out loud and are good with a flurry of words until you reach a place of peace and acceptance. We men are not good at that. We want to know the point and we want everything to connect to the point. When they don't, we feel like a failure and then we get defensive. Rather than vulnerably admit that we feel like we are failing, we get upset. At that point, we don't see your intentions, we just see looming failure.

Little Magpie: Bill and Swan- I recently noticed that both my H and I take things personally and if I didn't clarify he thinks I'm telling him that he messed up or did something wrong because he didn't do something the way I had perceived it to be done

Little Magpie: Bill- We are working on finding out what is going on under my H protection.

Bill: Little Magpie: this stuff happens because your hearts are connected. You have an influence on each other that is stronger than anyone else in your life. In marriage, we need to protect each other's hearts more than we need to pass on the information.

Little Magpie: Bill - trying to get him to talk and communicate better

Swan: Bill - interesting you say that about foreign language, I believe it is because of my childhood and speaking very little on my personal thoughts and opinions and combine that with my service in the Marine Corps when there were few women, I learned to bite my lip and say little to nothing. As I got older, I did become more vocal, but even now if a situation appears that it might create conflict I find myself using very few words in response. And when talking with some females, I can feel my eyes glaze over as they talk in circles, saying the same thing to express themselves. There have been a few times at work this has created discomfort, one of the ladies who comes in often is a circle talker and she loves to chat when she comes in, all I can think about is the many things I need to be doing and the amount of my time she is wasting. I have to focus not to show the expression on my face of what my mind is sending and definitely have to just smile and not say a word, because I am pretty sure I would say the wrong thing.

Bill: Swan: Your description is amazing. Helping men develop compassion for this process is one of the biggest challenges of my ministry. It is vital we do so, however, because many women develop trust in relationships through this process and we all know how important trust is!

Swan: Little Magpie - unfortunately what you said that he thinks you are telling him he is messing up might be reinforced for him the more you are "trying" to get him to talk and communicate better. When men feel they are not good enough or not living up to expectations, they can either over think the whole situation or they just convince themselves that there is no use in even trying they will never be good enough, and then they give up.

Little Magpie: Bill - We found out that we are frequently paralyzed to do things because we don't know what to do and we don't want to mess up. Unfortunately, we now see that our D's respond similarly with high stress and anxiety

Bill: All: I would even add that this is one of the most emotional areas of life for men. I have said it over and over, "us men are success creatures." What I mean by that is, "we connect emotionally with the arenas of life where we can be successful and we have a nagging desire to run away from any situation where we cannot succeed." It is one of the reasons we have to embrace commitment because we can all too easily dismiss ourselves when we conclude we cannot succeed.

Swan: Bill - Yes, trust is very important and that is something even to this day I have trouble with. When I meet someone I first find myself looking for what do they want from me, then move into a "what if" group of thoughts. I lost trust very young and really didn't get it back to the level of safety. My husband was probably the first person I truly trusted and sadly when he betrayed me, all that I had learned spiraled down again and it has taken years to rebuild it.

Bill: All: I need to sign off. Pam and I have a meeting we have to get to. Stay the course and keep looking to Jesus for his grace and strength.

Swan: Night Bill - see you next week

Swan: Little Magpie - Hey, it is OK to not know what to do and to admit it, if you are both feeling that way, maybe admitting that could open the door for coming together and brainstorming a situation and finding a solution. Yes, our children become us in many ways, I can see myself and my husband in things my kids do and they are adults.

Little Magpie: Swan- Thank you, he has communicated this previous but now he knows that I am trying to give information and not judge.

Little Magpie: All, unfortunately we also have a bad habit of shutting down conversation

Swan: Little Magpie - good that he knows the difference, it sounds like he has trouble saying what he is thinking and feeling and becomes frustrated when he cannot get his point out, which might be part of what causes him to shut down, maybe it isn't so much what you are contributing, but what he is unable to get out. I know when my husband would try to tell me something he was having trouble speaking, it would usually end with a rushed and frustrated, "you know what I mean, right!" And if I said that I didn't, it would become uncomfortable and usually end with him going off in a huff.

Swan: Little Magpie - I need to head out, have to get dinner ready for the family.

Little Magpie: Swan & Bill thank you and have a blessed week

Little Magpie: Bill and Swan- I recently noticed that both my H and I take things personally and if I didn't clarify he thinks I'm telling him that he messed up or did something wrong because he didn't do something the way I had perceived it to be done

Bill: Little Magpie: this stuff happens because your hearts are connected. You have an influence on each other that is stronger than anyone else in your life. In marriage, we need to protect each other's hearts more than we need to pass on the information.

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