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June 27, 2018 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Little Magpie: Bill what you said about women and intuition. I have felt something off w my H and his walk. He just admitted that he is going through some of the motions but not the relationship he used to have. He asked me to tone down the religion on my walk. It's hard not to react. Counseling isn't for a while due to the holiday. It's difficult to try to communicate especially when he seems to want me quiet.

Bill: Little Magpie: pray for grace to stick with you know is right and avoid taking on responsibility that belongs to your H. Walking with Jesus is your choice so keep it up regardless of what anyone else might say. Just do it calmly and with conviction even if no one around you keeps pace. It never helps to be weaker! Also, use your intuition to pray for you H. It is a gift from God that is hard to carry but turns into great passion for prayer. Also, don't ever settle for being quiet. You, of course, don't need to be obnoxious or pushy or irritating for the sake of getting a reaction but being quiet helps no one. Keep sharing your heart and do your best to get your encouragement from your Savior. I know it is difficult but it is better than being discouraged by those around you.

 

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June 27, 2018 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Swan: Hi Bill

Bill: Hi Swan, Sorry, I was trying to finish up another call while I was watching the chat room.

Swan: Bill - I figured you were multitasking.

Bill: Swan: That is nice of you to think I can multitask. Actually, I was focused on one while not acting on the other!

Swan: Bill - I guess that is a male thing, my husband did that and then would get frustrated and annoyed with me while I handled multiple things. I am thinking God made women to be that way as we care for the family and men to single task since they provide for the family.

Bill: Swan: research definitely backs that up. For instance, because there are more connections between the two sides of the female brain than the male brain, you ladies can connect the logical and emotional issues of life much easier than men. You can also operate in different spheres at the same time because you can travel back and forth from the left side to the right side quickly. We men need to leave one side to go the other (LOL!)

Swan: Bill - God has an interesting sense of humor, my boss is beginning to remind me very much of my husband and it is growing me on how to deal with a passive aggressive bully, mostly how to keep my mouth shut. He is 53 and I am guessing doing the evaluation of life. Many of the people who worked with him for years say he was never like this until early last year. So, yeah me, I get to work with him during this stage. I just keep praying about it and asking the Lord to remind me to keep my mouth shut. That is one of my down falls, I started when I was a teenager dealing with my step father and then in the later years of my marriage with my husband. I don't deal well with anger coming at me, for years I coward and then got to where in standing up for myself I attacked back. I see it as a learning tool for me.

Bill: Swan: What a great opportunity! - That is what we say when we see others in circumstances we wouldn't want to be in. Since you brought it up, I have a question for you. How do you avoid being passive when your goal is to "keep your mouth shut?" You have already figured out that attacking is not a healthy response. And, cowering in fear is not a healthy response. So, what (in your opinion) is the healthy way to keep your mouth shut?

Swan: Bill - I have to stop and think and choose my words rather than reacting. There have been a couple times when I just didn't say what I was feeling emotionally. A few times I tried asking him to step back, allow me to do my job and we could address his issues later, that only sent him into more attacking behaviors, so when he is in full bully mode I pretty much ignore him, continue to work and zip my lips hard. After he is calmed down I will go into his office and ask if I can speak with him, so far he always says yes and I calmly explain to him that I understand he is frustrated and I don't really know the pressures he has coming on him from his bosses, however, when he verbally comes at me as he does, it unfortunately causes me to shut down and no one wins when that happens. I have requested that he demonstrate the same respect that I offer and if he has issue with me to call me into his office and we can talk. It often isn't me personally, but circumstances. Long lines, customers not getting taken care of fast enough (for whatever reason there is a time monitor for service times) and to be honest we have no real control over service times unless we want to really offend customers and tell them to hurry. I guess for me it is more of keeping my mouth shut when the moment is raw and address it when calmer attitudes are present.

Swan: Hi Little Magpie - How are you doing?

Bill: Swan: I hope you have opportunities to share what you just wrote with others. It is a great example of self-control followed by calm assertiveness. Well done even though I am sure it is a challenging process to keep it in focus.

Bill: Hi Little Magpie.

Little Magpie: Hello Swan and Bill

Little Magpie: Swan, I would love to not be reactive with my H and D's. They know how to set me off and sometimes it is unintentional.

Little Magpie: Swan, I have been working on keeping it in being quiet but it just leads me to get angry and see inside myself

Bill: Little Magpie and Swan: The reason I asked the question above is because research has verified that the "alarm system" for the human race was placed in the female side. You can sense when things are not right, even if you don't know exactly what is not right. That creates a unique burden for you in that you have to regulate your reactions and figure out what needs to be addressed and what needs to be ignored when it all "feels" similar.

Swan: Bill - I spend many years being mousy and avoiding confrontation, when I was out on my own in the Marine Corps I grew some, in my marriage we were equal for years, then he started becoming more controlling and sadly I rebelled, which caused issues as well. When I worked for the Marine Corps they were very much into the Covey training and I got to attend many of those courses, which were somewhat helpful in my job, but I didn't really apply them to my personal life until my husband was in full blown MLC and have found his teachings as well as Townsend and Cloud very helpful in my not taking everything personal and moving into defense mode, but more about being proactive verses reactive, it has helped in many ways.

Bill: Swan: Again, well done. These are difficult skills to learn but are highly effective once we embrace them. We all know being proactive is better than being reactive but it is so much easier to be reactive.

Swan: Bill - I am so much of a "fixer", I am the oldest child and in much of my marriage because of my husband's military requirements I was responsible for the family and household. It was hard for me to realize and accept that I cannot fix everything and some things I shouldn't even try. One thing I started asking myself is to whom the issue is more important, if it is me than choose a nonaggressive way to address it and make it clear that the issue is important to me and why, if it is the other person, then give it up and let them have it, don't be like a dog with a bone. I did find that there were times I was going to battle over issues just because someone opposed my thinking, but once I realized I didn't always have to win, that in many ways it is more loving to let the other person have it, I started thinking of everything as a war, it really helped my stress levels!

Swan: Little Magpie - it isn't so much about keeping it in as choosing what you say. Just keeping things in is not good for you or your health and it will eventually explode on everyone around you. It is more about controlling the moment, giving serious thought to what will be said and finding the more logical and kind way to say it.

Bill: Swan: It is good to see your wisdom at work. A lot of us are fixers and need to hear how other people are calming down the need to control without giving up the influence we are supposed to have. I love your comment, "once I realized I didn't always have to win, that in many ways it is more loving to let the other person have it."

Little Magpie: Bill what you said about women and intuition. I have felt something off w my H and his walk. He just admitted that he is going through some of the motions but not the relationship he used to have. He asked me to tone down the religion on my walk. It's hard not to react. Counseling isn't for a while due to the holiday. It's difficult to try to communicate especially when he seems to want me quiet.

Swan: Bill - Reaction takes little to no thought process, it is purely emotions exploding. For me it is about controlling my emotions so I don't say or do something that will hurt someone else and/or cause me regret. I truly believe that self control is one of the most valued traits we can master and for me I really needed God to guide me through that. I have read many books and admire the authors, but honestly give the praise to God for slapping His hand over my mouth at times because if what I was thinking would have come out, it would have been hurtful and ugly for everyone concerned, including me.

Bill: Swan: Amen

Bill: Little Magpie: pray for grace to stick with you know is right and avoid taking on responsibility that belongs to your H. Walking with Jesus is your choice so keep it up regardless of what anyone else might say. Just do it calmly and with conviction even if no one around you keeps pace. It never helps to be weaker! Also, use your intuition to pray for you H. It is a gift from God that is hard to carry but turns into great passion for prayer. Also, don't ever settle for being quiet. You, of course, don't need to be obnoxious or pushy or irritating for the sake of getting a reaction but being quiet helps no one. Keep sharing your heart and do your best to get your encouragement from your Savior. I know it is difficult but it is better than being discouraged by those around you.

Bill: All: Well, folks I need to get going. Blessings on you. Cling to Jesus and don't let the yuck of life cling to you!

Little Magpie: Bill - thank you

Swan: Bill - I spent so much of my life achieving "in spite of" and all that did was make be resentful, grow to despise those around me and then it all came crashing down around me. I had such a huge wall built around me and only allowed a few people in (my husband primarily), no one was going to hurt me, abuse me; I would be in control and charge of everything around me. Heck Erma Brombeck even wrote a book that confirmed I was doing it right, I was the E Woman. There is nothing like hitting rock bottom to have that false image knocked out of you. And I will admit I fell apart, lost all battle will when my husband's affair became a reality, it was only thought God that I was able to finally pick myself up and step by step move forward, growing and learning as I did. I miss my husband and love him dearly, actually do wish this MLC hadn't stolen so much from me, but again, I also in many ways can count it a blessing because of how close it has brought me to God and the lessons I have learned.

Swan: Heck I didn't even pay attention to the time; we are way over the top of the hour.

Little Magpie: Thanks Swan. I am finding how angry and resentful I am. I don't like it.

Swan: Little Magpie - Angry people are miserable and sadly often create misery around them; people really do react to our behaviors. At work I started putting on a fake smile whenever a customer stepped in front of me and I noticed that smiling and speaking with an uplifting song like voice got a much better reaction even when a customer wasn't happy and even more so, I noticed that for myself doing the fake it till you make it made my day go much better and gave me an uplifted attitude, so now I fake it till I make it every day and surprisingly "making it" does happen.

Little Magpie: Good night all. Swan, I have been miserable for years now unfortunately. At one point in my life I was happy

Swan: Little Magpie - start each day finding and recognizing at least one good thing about your day, it honestly will start to help you see that there are positive things to hang onto.

Swan: Night

Little Magpie: Thank you

Little Magpie: Bill what you said about women and intuition. I have felt something off w my H and his walk. He just admitted that he is going through some of the motions but not the relationship he used to have. He asked me to tone down the religion on my walk. It's hard not to react. Counseling isn't for a while due to the holiday. It's difficult to try to communicate especially when he seems to want me quiet.

Bill: Little Magpie: pray for grace to stick with you know is right and avoid taking on responsibility that belongs to your H. Walking with Jesus is your choice so keep it up regardless of what anyone else might say. Just do it calmly and with conviction even if no one around you keeps pace. It never helps to be weaker! Also, use your intuition to pray for you H. It is a gift from God that is hard to carry but turns into great passion for prayer. Also, don't ever settle for being quiet. You, of course, don't need to be obnoxious or pushy or irritating for the sake of getting a reaction but being quiet helps no one. Keep sharing your heart and do your best to get your encouragement from your Savior. I know it is difficult but it is better than being discouraged by those around you.

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