Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

We hope you've found our website to be helpful and encouraging. You can play a big part in the lives of others by supporting the upkeep of midlife.com, and our chat room, with a tax-deductible donation of any amount, big or small. Thank you for being a part of our team!

Choose your donation level:
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

April 25, 2018 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Swan: Bill - that makes so much sense, my husband has actually commented to others that there is no way I have forgiven him; even my husband says he has a hardened heart.

Bill: Swan: Wow, he can't even grasp the obvious! I am convinced that my life would have been ruined if I hadn't forgiven my mom and dad. They still don't seem to be aware of what they did. They are so used to excusing each other's bad behavior; they assume everyone else just forgets also. I will be forever glad that I discovered the power and freedom that comes with courageous grace!

 

 

For a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at

http://love-wise.com/product.php

or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20  
 Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.
 

If this Chat Room Session has helped you or ministered to your heart, please consider sponsoring 1 Chat Room a month to help us keep our Chat Rooms active and Archives updated. Each session costs us $30 to host, edit, and post.

We can't do it without your help. Thanks for caring.  Be A Chat Room Sponsor

 

April 25, 2018 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Swan: Bill - tos is going to try to make it in tonight, he has been asking questions on children and MLC. He has college aged children and they are being affected by his wife's crisis and he wants to get info on how to handle being the parent when the other parent is trying to be their buddy.

Bill: OK. Hopefully he makes it. Lord, help TOS gain the wisdom he needs to help his kid’s process all that is going on. Give the kids grace to be strong in the midst!

Swan: Bill - I guess one could say I was fortunate that my children were adults and our grandson was too young to start asking questions in the onset of my husband's MLC, even though they have all be hurt by his emotions and confused by his "good guy" games. The relationships between my husband and the kids are strained, but that mostly has to do with the other woman and some of her orders on my husband. She really caused an issue with my son and daughter in law the day she screamed at my (then) six year old grandson for saying my name. My husband had asked our grandson a question and unfortunately the answer was me. My heart breaks for the kids. When I lived in Missouri one of the ladies that had been a member of MLD lived near me and I would visit with her after church some weeks, they had a twelve year old son and that poor child was being pulled in two very separate directions. Dad wanted to be buddies and would often ask the son what would mom say before giving the boy something he knew the mother would not approve of (to include a rifle). The mother would verbally bad mouth the dad to the boy or anyone else that would listen. Part of why I stopped visiting with them was because I just couldn't sit with my mouth shut any longer and I called her on the verbal bashing dad to the son, she got mad at me and we just didn't socialize much after that. I saw the son shortly before I moved to California and he told me that he had been living with his dad and the other woman, as much as his dad was messed up, it was better than dealing with his mom. Apparently a judge agreed and changed custody to the dad. This lady was a very strong personality, but she also believed in and eye for an eye and would take it out on the son when he didn't agree with her views of his dad. It was sad and made me so glad that my kids were not going through that battle.

Bill: Swan: You are also fortunate that you were willing to work on you rather than focus on "how bad he was." It is so easy to see the hurt and pain. It is even easier to complain about the decisions the MLCer is making to anyone who will listen. Your friend in Missouri is a good example of how we can ruin ourselves when we respond in bitterness.

Swan: Bill - I didn't think of it last night, but there are some resources on the website for children, we did recommend Jim's book for children of legal and emotional divorce, but I will also refer him to the family resource on the website next time he is in chat.

Bill: Swan: That is a great idea. It would be good to direct him to the "For Men (about Women)" page in Free Resources also.

Swan: Bill - I had to learn the hard way that bitterness is more damaging to yourself than the person you are focused on. I hated my step father for years, refused to forgive (he never asked) and the more anger and bitterness I got towards him the darker my emotions got, to the point of harming myself. My husband was great in helping me through the bouts, but it became too much for him at times too. I was finally ordered to counseling and after three different counselors was sent to a wonderful lady who helped me understand that I needed to forgive my step father, not for him, but for myself, my children and husband. It was amazing how freeing it became once I was truly able to do that. I still chose to not have a relationship with him and to protect my children from his abuse, but just not holding onto what he had done allowed me to really move beyond that part of my life and work on me.

Bill: Swan: that is why you are able to do what you are doing today. Forgiveness is the great battle of life. Jesus came to forgive so it makes sense that our world and the enemy of our soul works hard to convince people to be bitter confuse people's understanding of forgiveness and then harden people's hearts to they refuse to forgive. The result is ruined lives that should otherwise be flourishing. Well done!

Swan: Bill - that makes so much sense, my husband has actually commented to others that there is no way I have forgiven him; even my husband says he has a hardened heart.

Bill: Swan: Wow, he can't even grasp the obvious! I am convinced that my life would have been ruined if I hadn't forgiven my mom and dad. They still don't seem to be aware of what they did. They are so used to excusing each other's bad behavior; they assume everyone else just forgets also. I will be forever glad that I discovered the power and freedom that comes with courageous grace!

Swan: Bill - I know Little Magpie was in direct email contact with you, we haven't seen or heard from her in sometime, I am just wondering if she is doing ok.

Bill: Swan: Since he is talking with you, remind him that he can't rescue his kids from the pain his kids are experiencing. He will do better to intentionally be the person he knows he should be and not evaluate himself compared to his wife. We all know how easy it is to react to the person making bad choices but it only strengthens the system the MLCer is setting up.

Bill: Swan: Little Magpie is still doing ok. Lots of transitions and interaction with her kids.

Swan: Bill - my step father passed away still blaming me for issues, it was never his fault, he did nothing wrong and his typical answer was we deserved it or asked for it. He tortured and abused me, he molested me, he drank to excess, etc. and always managed to claim I made him do those things. I don't know what his reasoning was, all I knew was I couldn't stay wrapped up in that anymore and had to be able to let go.

Bill: Swan: It is common for hurting people to project their guilt, shame and hurt on others. It is true that "hurt people hurt people!" Your step father is another example of someone who projects his responsibility and shortcomings on the ones who are close to him. It is sad but common.

Swan:

Bill - that is kind of what I told him last night and even should he sit down with the kids and talk to them, not to drag mom is doing thing or mom is doing that, to simply reinforce that it is his task as their father to guide and protect them and sometimes that means using the word no and not giving into things that might be fun but not productive for them.

Bill: Swan: When others project, it is common for the target of the projection to want to set the record straight. We reason and argue thinking that our logic will change the illogical condemnation of another.

Bill: Swan: well done. It is vital that the kids see two very different examples in their parents. Mom is obviously self-focused and chaotic. If tos becomes "chaotic" also in being either too reactive or spending time explaining her behavior, the kids look at both parents and conclude, "They are both crazy." In this case, the sane parent usually loses.

Swan: Bill - and the louder they set the record straight the more correct they are!! I do honestly wish I knew even part of what I know now back then. My husband's MLC can easily be traced to his mother, but I made my own contributions without knowing how it might affect him later. Sadly I cannot even say I am sorry at this point, but I do ask God to let my husband know that I understand my roll in some of his issues.

Swan: Well I am going to head out, tos wasn't sure if he could get home in time, looks like he didn't. See you next week.

Bill: Swan: Once again, you have become a remarkable minister of grace. To even want him to understand your role is evidence of a big work of God in your life.

Bill: See you next week

Swan: Bill - that makes so much sense, my husband has actually commented to others that there is no way I have forgiven him; even my husband says he has a hardened heart.

Bill: Swan: Wow, he can't even grasp the obvious! I am convinced that my life would have been ruined if I hadn't forgiven my mom and dad. They still don't seem to be aware of what they did. They are so used to excusing each other's bad behavior; they assume everyone else just forgets also. I will be forever glad that I discovered the power and freedom that comes with courageous grace!

 

Register to read more...