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January 10, 2018 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Little Magpie: Bill - I am not as desperate to change due to fear of change and the unknown...

Bill: Little Magpie: Thank you for sharing that. I think the reasons you stated are the most common reasons people hold back. The unknown can be a scary place and real change means having to learn all new skills with the stress that goes along with pushing the learning curve to a high level. It is a strenuous process. The fact that you admit these are holding you back is more than most will do.

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January 10, 2018 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Swan: Hi Bill, hope your week has been not so busy and you have recouped from the holidays.

Bill: Hi Swan. Thanks for the sentiment about not being too busy but I don't really live that way. I prefer to be busy and have mostly been busy doing things I like. We are revamping our website so I have been buried in my computer editing video, audio, blogs and getting used to a new website interface. Great fun!

Bill: Swan: My dad has been a consistent interruption this week which has challenged my flexibility. I would like to think I can get in a consistent rhythm with my parents but at times they are good at creating crises.

Swan: Bill - I broke my "don't ask" rule about my husband since he lives up in Ventura. I only ask if his dad was safe, not to give any details. My son said he thought so, but since his dad is being a separatist right now who knows. My husband just picks the worst times to go into self pity seclusion mode.

Bill: Swan: I totally understand. This is definitely an exception. I can't ever remember the 101 being closed because of mudslides. I think it is fair for you to ask. Your comment should be published for everyone to talk about, "My husband picks the worst times to go into self-pity seclusion mode." So many people describe this same process and then ask me, "Who does this?" It takes a lot of self-restraint not to blurt out, "Way more people than you think!"

Swan: Bill - I am one that gets focused on the task at hand and it took me many years to adjust to interruptions, I am not saying I do them well even now, but much better than I did in my younger days.

Bill: Swan: That makes me laugh. I think one of the high moments of maturity is being able to accept interruptions with grace. Tough stuff.

Bill: Swan: I started laughing at myself last night after taking my dad to the urgent care center, getting him dinner and cleaning his bathroom. He then said to me, "There is no reason to rush off!" My internal reaction was, "rush off. I have already been here longer than I should. I still have work to do. Just because you have unlimited free time doesn't mean I do."

Swan: Bill - My husband has always been affected by the holiday season and when we would spend it in St. Louis with our families, it was horrible. I honestly used to dread making the trip; it wasn't going to be fun. My mother in law was the queen of crisis and every little thing set her off, my husband and I used to have some of the worse fights as Christmas day got closer because it was going to be stressful. She would pull some of the more way out stuff to keep me and the kids from going to visit my family. She would start fights between her own kids and grandchildren. It was almost as if she wanted to keep the pot stirred and everyone miserable. So, for my husband I believe it is just a continuation of the behavior he learned his entire childhood and he hasn't been emotionally well enough to change it. Sadly, I don't miss the chaos; I do miss the man, but not the crazy.

Bill: Swan: You are very quotable tonight. "I do miss the man, but not the crazy."

Bill: Swan: The situation you described about your H is one of those goofy places of life in my experience. I accept that people get stuck in the influence of their families but I don't really understand it. I know family influence is extremely powerful, in fact I think the only influence more powerful on earth is the Holy Spirit. I just don't understand why people want to stay there. Having done the courageous work to find a healthier way to live, it is amazing to me that anyone would want to linger in the chaos.

Swan: Bill - as a teenager I worked as a nurse’s aid in a woman’s home and right after family would visit seemed to be the worse for the ladies. Their families would come and spend hours with them, bring the grandchildren and lavish them with attention, then they were gone and for many that reality of loneliness would set in for a time. Most of them had a roommate in the infirmary, some a few roommates. There was a common area where they could watch television, play games, just chat, etc. but when their families would leave they seemed sad for a little while. Sometimes the ladies who didn't have family seemed to stay adjusted better than those who did.

Bill: Swan: Very interesting observation

Little Magpie: All - Sorry I am late. I was trying to get in on my iPad but was unsuccessful so I had to pull up my desktop.

Swan: Bill - I agree, I spent my life in defiance refusing to be like my mother or allowing others to control my life (in many cases I succeeded, in some I failed and didn't realize I was failing). I don't understand often when people complain about their life situations, but stay. The last time I spoke with my husband one of the things he said to me was that he was miserable every moment of every day, he hadn't been happy for ten years (interestingly that was how many years since he started his affairs and left his family). I didn't say it, I just listened and offered encouragement when I could, but I was thinking to myself, if he is so miserable, why does he stay. Later when he was talking, he did mention that he deserved what he was getting. I believe much of his staying is because he is punishing himself for his choices.

Bill: Little Magpie: Hi. I don't think it is possible to "be late" for a chat room! In the Hobbit, Gandalf said, "Wizards are never late. They always show up just when they wanted to." I think it applies here.

Bill: Swan: I certainly don't want to be judgmental because family influence is very strong and deeply emotional. That is why people get stuck. I also know it takes a movement of God in the heart to empower people to face the inevitable feelings of loneliness that go along with significant change. I am, therefore, patient with people and let them have whatever time it takes. On a personal level, I just don't understand why people are not more desperate to change.

Little Magpie: Bill - Thanks

Little Magpie: Bill - I am not as desperate to change due to fear of change and the unknown...

Bill: Little Magpie: Thank you for sharing that. I think the reasons you stated are the most common reasons people hold back. The unknown can be a scary place and real change means having to learn all new skills with the stress that goes along with pushing the learning curve to a high level. It is a strenuous process. The fact that you admit these are holding you back is more than most will do.

Little Magpie: Bill - the past several years my work has been in a state of change, technology, personnel and the like so I have had to work in change and the chaos of learning new processes. I don't cope well with change and have suffered considerably because of this.

Bill: Little Magpie: Since you brought it up, can you share more about what you mean by I don't cope well with change?

Little Magpie: Bill - you and Swan were talking about Family of Origin stuff earlier -- I have noticed my H having issues that I think root back to that.

Swan: Bill - I once heard a story that satan is patient; he lures us into a nice warm bath of sin and then gently turns the heat up until we are cooked. If we jumped in and the water was already boiling we would jump right out, but that warm soothing water keeps us attracted until it is too late.

Bill: Little Magpie: No doubt. I am sure much of what frustrates you stems back to families of origin. Don't underestimate it because God established the family as the primary vehicle for passing on character. When it is good, the influence is awesome. When it is unhealthy, it is tough to overcome.

Little Magpie: Bill - I get anxiety issues and suffer from panic attacks. Going on Vacation is a difficult thing for me as I worry/panic about packing and finances

Bill: Swan: Just like frogs!

Swan: Bill - Yes, just like frogs!

Little Magpie: Swan - Like a Frog, huh?

Bill: Little Magpie: How would you describe your panic attacks?

Bill: Swan: Are you going to explain the frogs?

Swan: Little Magpie - Ok, the frogs. You can put frogs in a pot and as long as you slowly increase the temp of the water they will stay, even to the point of becoming dinner! They can jump and could jump out of the pot but because the water is warm and comfy they stay until they can’t jump out.

Little Magpie: Bill - they range. Sometimes I just get the feeling that I want to runaway and disappear as a way to deal with it, other times I tend to hold my breath without knowing it and have deep sighs, feel like I want to punch someone out or something (but I don't)' extreme irritability and the like.

Little Magpie: Swan - I am aware of the frog thing. I hadn't seen your later post or Bill's as I was typing my response.

Bill: Little Magpie: When the attacks hit, do you have a strategy for dealing with them?

Little Magpie: Bill - Not really. Stress eat, try to keep things together and push thru to complete the task; go to bed; avoid the whole unpleasant thing when possible.

Bill: Little Magpie: Have you asked your counselor about these? If so, what have you been told?

Swan: Little Magpie - sounds like pent up energy that is screaming to be released, if it is causing physical expelling feelings, maybe consider adding an exercise routine to your day, heck get a punching bag, some gloves and go for it. I know many, who run when they are frustrated, anxious, others go to the gym, lift weights, use a stationary bike, just getting the energy out.

Little Magpie: Bill - I need to see about getting together with a counselor again. I have only gone to our couple’s therapy for the past year and a half. Our insurance changed and the counselor's days changed. I have been referred to the behavioral health department at our clinic but haven't scheduled anything yet. I had previously had an anxiety med but it stopped working and started having ugly side effects so we stopped it.

Little Magpie: Swan - I haven't exercised for quite a few years now. I keep paying the membership but haven't been in about two years now; my H and I were saying we should start going to the gym again.

Little Magpie: All - Please pray that we can find an inexpensive/reasonable car insurance as my youngest who is in college just got her license. She will only be driving during the three months she is home for Summers and month she is home for Christmas so 4 months out of 12.

Bill: Little Magpie: Panic attacks can be confusing experiences because they are combination of mental, emotional and physical reactions. On the physical side, panic attacks are accompanied by high levels of adrenaline. It is the fight or flight system gone awry. We perceive danger, the body releases adrenaline, all the muscles in our body tense and the mind tells us to either fight or run away. Hence, you have the feeling you want to escape. Since there is no real physical danger, the adrenaline lingers in the blood system, ramps us the heart but has no escape. For this reason, getting up and walking tends to help simply because it burns up some of the adrenaline.

Bill: Little Magpie: Jesus, please guide LM and her H to inexpensive car insurance that meets their needs and allows the whole family to do all that you want them to do.

Bill: Little Magpie: On a related note, when you "decide" to move, it has a secondary benefit since our emotions follow our choices. When you choose to get up, your emotions shift even though you didn't directly try to change the way you feel. It is not magic but it tends to help.

Swan: Little Magpie - I have a blood issue and there are times when my body will dump vitamin K from my blood system and it makes me so weak, a few years back as I was going through menopause I had one of these cycles and almost didn't have enough energy to get out of bed, but I did and I managed to get dressed, up the stairs to my car and drive to the hospital. In addition to giving me the needed vitamin K shots and monitoring me for a few days a very wise doctor told me that the best way to gain energy was to exhort energy and recommended that I make a schedule to get up and do anything even if it was only walking up the stairs and back down once a day, the amount of time it would take me didn't matter and as I felt stronger to add more distance. It worked and within a short amount of time I had enough energy to start a workout program, walking up to the pool and swimming some laps, heck some days I simply went to the mall and walked around it a few times. Start slow and increase as you begin to feel more able.

Swan: Little Magpie - praying with you on that one, insurance is so expensive, especially for younger people.

Bill: All: I am going to head out. Back to the new website!

Swan: Night Bill

Bill: Good night

Little Magpie: Good night Bill

Little Magpie: Good Night Swan! Thanks to both of you!!

Swan: Night Little Magpie

Little Magpie: Bill - I am not as desperate to change due to fear of change and the unknown...

Bill: Little Magpie: Thank you for sharing that. I think the reasons you stated are the most common reasons people hold back. The unknown can be a scary place and real change means having to learn all new skills with the stress that goes along with pushing the learning curve to a high level. It is a strenuous process. The fact that you admit these are holding you back is more than most will do.

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