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August 23, 2017 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Bill: dumbfounded2 and Little Magpie: Okay, now I am curious. One of the most common struggles of couples is verbal interaction. Men, on average, get overwhelmed by too big a volume of words. Women, on average, are unsatisfied by too small a volume of words. Finding a plan that works is very elusive for couples in love and it gets intense. Men get angry and women feel neglected. So . . . any thoughts you are willing to share on how you have grown in this area or how you think others can grow is very welcomed.

dumbfounded2: Bill - Oh Boy Yes, for so long, I just thought my H "didn't care" because he wouldn't respond in what I thought was a timely manner. What I learned is that he simply does not process information as quickly as I do. (I assume this is the same for most men and women). The woman truly has the key to solving this communication problem stuff, but she has to slow down and give him TIME. Sometimes, my H will come back a day or two later and bring up a subject after he has analyzed it and feels confident in his position. It is hard, but patience from the women is imperative. He wants to please, but is not going to shoot back an answer quickly.

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August 23, 2017 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Swan: Hello everyone, welcome to Wednesday evening chat

Swan: Hi Little Magpie - How are you this week?

dumbfounded2: To all - Hi everyone. Hope you are all staying cool and hydrated, it is so hot here.

Swan: Hi dumbfounded2 - how are you doing?

Bill: Hello everyone.

Swan: dumbfounded - it is a little cooler here, but if I don't hydrate properly I get really bad migraines.

Swan: Hi Bill

dumbfounded2: Swan - Doing well. H and I have been working in our yard this week while he is on vacation and it has averaged 93 degrees but feels like 106 and the humidity is around 98 percent so we are glad rain is coming.

Swan: dumbfounded2 - I have to say I do not miss the humidity of living in the Midwest, it gets hot here but it is a dry heat most of the time so it doesn't feel hotter than it is.

Bill: All: Thank you for praying. The messages based on Elijah's life at Cannon Beach Christian Conference Center are going well. The concept of moments in our lives that shape who we are and reveal what we believe is resonating just like I thought it would. The messages are a little "raw" since this is the first time I have presented them but I have been in lots of conversations this week in response to the presentations.

dumbfounded2: Bill - During the time I have known you, I have felt that you speak from your heart, so I know whatever you presented was received well.

Swan: Bill - the conference must be good if it is promoting conversations, glad it is going as you thought.

Little Magpie: All - Hello! dumbfounded2 It's so nice to see you. How are you?

dumbfounded2: Little Magpie - I am doing very well. How are you?

Bill: dumbfounded2: Thank you for the encouragement. I had an anticipation that this material was going to be well received and I am glad to report that it has had an obvious impact on others.

Little Magpie: dumbfounded2 - I am okay, a bit heartsick as my YD is going off to college in about a week and is going a long way away. First child to fly the nest

dumbfounded2: Bill - Bravo!

Bill: Swan: Thanks. I was especially pleased with last night. I had a long conversation with a man who came out of a chaotic home, started his adult life repeating the chaotic patterns and is now trying to figure out how to live a life of love and healthy choices. I was able to fill in some of the gaps for him - loved it.

Bill: All: BTW, I am going to have to leave early tonight (5:45) to integrate with the program at the conference.

Bill: Little Magpie: Congrats and condolences. It is awesome that your YD is venturing out and pursuing her passion. It is also agonizing as a parent to have them so far away. Praying for strength!

dumbfounded2: Bill - My husband has revealed some things over the past few months in that during his crisis, he felt bitter and alone and mostly angry about everything. He realized he loved me and the boys, but felt that he had made such a huge mistake that he deserved every bad thing that happened to him. Very interesting to see the backside of midlife.

Little Magpie: Thanks Bill. Bill @5:10 - Glad you were able to talk to the fellow with the chaotic path. It is hard to get healthy when you keep throwing yourself back into your chaos...

dumbfounded2: Little Magpie - They grow up so fast, our youngest started his senior year of high school this week and he is such a strong, mature young man and he is ready to take on the world

Swan: All - Saturday evening a lady that had been a part of our Bible study group from years back came to church with a friend, she is a woman that loves God so much and is so devoted to Him, she is also one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met. Her husband was a career Marine and when we attended the same church, he was involved with the church in many aspects. She gave me the bad news that he rarely attends church anymore, had been drinking to access frequently and she discovered he has been having affairs. Her heart is broken so deeply, we talked for a little bit and will keep in touch. I am blown away, I really would have never thought this would have happened to them and for him to pretty much have turned his back on God; I have to say I am floored. The enemy is so sneaky and attacks when the tiniest crack appears.

Bill: dumbfounded2: Wow, this is an incredible moment of honesty and vulnerability. We know this kind of thing is going on in the heart of MLCers but to have your H admit it is astounding. Praying this conversation continues and leads to the kind of self-awareness that keeps freedom and growth coming.

dumbfounded2: Bill - Thank you. I have kept my lips zipped and occasionally he will just blurt out something and it is usually very insightful, like just yesterday he said he was at peace with his new job and was at peace with being home and had at least 1000 hugs for our sons and a lifetime ahead of him to "prove" himself to me. I just smiled and told him we loved him and appreciated all that he does for our family.

Bill: Swan: Thank you for the reminder that all of us are vulnerable and we are all just a few choices away from either disaster or victory. I am glad you are available as it can be difficult to figure out who is safe to talk with during these dark seasons. Lord, please chase down this man who has served the rest of us and turn his heart back to you!

Bill: dumbfounded2: I am not sure where you got the grace to "keep your lips zipped" but way to go. It is obviously very effective with your H.

Little Magpie: dumbfounded2 - I am glad that your H is able to talk to you. Glad you have been able to just listen without input. I end up stepping in things with my H because he has pauses and I think he is done and end up interrupting his train of thought

dumbfounded2: Bill - Oh, I have my moments, but instead of lashing out at H, I take it to the Lord and sleep on it and remind myself that God has a plan for me and our family. Sounds good but it is very hard work. Of course H has been home for a year and a lot has changed in our life, so I haven't had time to dwell a lot and H has been very good to me since his return.

Little Magpie: Swan - Thankful that you were able to reconnect and be there for the Marine wife that you know. I pray Bill's prayer: Lord, please chase down this man who has served the rest of us and turn his heart back to you!

dumbfounded2: Little Magpie - That is something that has changed with my H. He also takes a while to get his thoughts out and I always jumped ahead, but now he tells me that he can't think that fast and I am throwing too much out at him at once. Before I thought he was just ignoring me.

Bill: dumbfounded2: Of course it is hard work. The book of James tells us that the tongue is the hardest thing on earth to tame!

dumbfounded2: Bill - Amen!

Swan: dumbfounded2 - Great on zipping the lips, too often when they start testing the waters or the suddenly happens, we want to dissect every what, why and how and that too often creates stress for both. KmKrn's husband is home and they are reconciling, for a period there was nothing said, recently he has asked if she wants to know details and after searching her heart, she says that she doesn't really want to know. He talks about some of the emotional issues that probably caused his crisis, but as far as what he did, who he did anything with, etc. she is leaving that to God. She trusts him and knows the only thing that would come from details is give the enemy a tool to hurt her heart again. I am so glad you have been wise and learned to listen more and speak less; I know most who are reconciling say it is key.

Bill: dumbfounded2 and Little Magpie: Okay, now I am curious. One of the most common struggles of couples is verbal interaction. Men, on average, get overwhelmed by too big a volume of words. Women, on average, are unsatisfied by too small a volume of words. Finding a plan that works is very elusive for couples in love and it gets intense. Men get angry and women feel neglected. So . . . any thoughts you are willing to share on how you have grown in this area or how you think others can grow is very welcomed.

dumbfounded2: Swan - I feel the same as KmKrn. What good would details do for me, but give me something to dwell on that is hurtful.

Swan: Bill - Thank you for the prayer, I know it is appreciated. Like my husband, her husband was a Marine Officer, they lived most of their lives with honor and integrity being foremost and then to just suddenly fall so far away from those beliefs.

Bill: Swan: Please share more - you mentioned KM's decision to leave the details with God and yet most females want to know and will spend enormous amounts of energy either finding out the details or trying to convince themselves they don't need to know the details.

Bill: dumbfounded2: Feel free to give your input also to my response to Swan. This is a big one.

dumbfounded2: Bill - Oh Boy Yes, for so long, I just thought my H "didn't care" because he wouldn't respond in what I thought was a timely manner. What I learned is that he simply does not process information as quickly as I do. (I assume this is the same for most men and women). The woman truly has the key to solving this communication problem stuff, but she has to slow down and give him TIME. Sometimes, my H will come back a day or two later and bring up a subject after he has analyzed it and feels confident in his position. It is hard, but patience from the women is imperative. He wants to please, but is not going to shoot back an answer quickly.

Little Magpie: Bill - I have been trying to be quiet and at times when he asks a question I let him know I am listening so he may continue. I try to stay focused on what he is saying and try not to let my mind wander to my conclusion of his thought or my own thoughts.

dumbfounded2: Little Magpie - You are doing the right thing and great that you are communicating in a way that makes him feel respected. My H has stated that he felt disrespected when I talked over him or spoke for him.

Bill: dumbfounded2: I totally agree with you but, how do women develop the kind of patience you are talking about. I know how to instruct men on how they can improve but I find I am less confident with women because logic doesn't affect behavior much so there must be more to it than just the idea of what we "ought" to do.

Bill: Little Magpie: This sounds like good progress.

Little Magpie: Bill - I watched a couple last night and he was wired for communication. At times I get envious of wives with communicative husbands. I wish that there was a class in communication skills that he could enroll in. I know it sounds bad.

Swan: Bill - KmKrn mentioned that when she gave her husband to God and stopped needed to know everything, she found peace. Plus often when we are pressing for details, looking for why they did what they did or made the choices, wanting to know what they were thinking and feeling, we are demanding information from them that they most often don't have to give us. We call it a fog for a reason; they have emotions that they often do not understand, so they cannot explain them. I remember the day my husband called me when I lived in Missouri; he started by telling me about the dream he had and was so worried he had to hear my voice to know I was ok. As we talked, he told me that he is miserable every moment of every day and said that I wouldn't like him very much as he is, heck he doesn't even like himself. Every instinct in me was wanting to ask him a bunch of questions, but I bit my tongue and didn't. Later he told our daughter that it was nice talking to me, he had been so nervous because he was sure that I was going to condemn him, he thought it was going to be a 2 minute conversation but we had a four hour nice chat.

dumbfounded2: Bill - The eye opener is when he has had enough, of course you want a woman to get it before then. I think coming at it with a woman that truly wants change and challenging her to recognize that he needs time to process things. If she really cares for him, she will look past self and focus on his needs.

Bill: Little Magpie: You were probably watching a highly extroverted male in action. They talk more than the average man! I can tell you, however, that "talkative" couples have just as many struggles as spouses with a quiet partner. The struggles are different but they are just as real. Best to focus on the struggles you have. There are classes on communication but marriage interaction is so intense that the best laboratory is your relationship. If you two are really interested, the "Love Lab" at University of Washington is one the best in the country. They regularly do research projects which you could probably volunteer for and gain benefit from. You would both have to want to do this but it is a thought.

Swan: Bill - I know for me I have learned to listen and pray at the same time, it is often the only thing that has gotten me through some really hard conversations.

Bill: Swan and dumbfounded2: Great input. The thing I am hearing is (1) you have to choose to listen more and speak less and (2) it has to be based on your concern for others rather than yourself. How am I doing?

Little Magpie: Bill - That's the Gottman Institute isn't it? Thanks for the idea

dumbfounded2: Bill - Exactly. The spouse has to be willing to look past all perceived hurts and care about what the other spouse is trying to get you to understand. Just the little thing that my husband will now tell me that I am giving him too much info to fast is a check and balance that our relationship needs.

Bill: Little Magpie: Gottman Institute - yes.

Bill: dumbfounded2: Thanks. Again, I marvel at the grace you have received that allows you to "look past all the perceived hurts" and to respond to your H telling you that you are giving too much info.

Swan: Bill - That is it pretty much, besides we women need to learn the languages of the men in our lives. Men tend to use very few words and give more thought to things, while women use many words and in our multi-tasking natures do not appear to be listening, I mean we hear what others are saying, but to truly listen is a demonstration of respect to that person. I don't that that it is so much a concern for others over ourselves as much as it is respecting others to give them obvious attention and not fitting them into the other hundred things we are trying to do at the same time.

dumbfounded2: Bill - Thank you Bill, but remember I have been going through this for 6 years and without you and this group, I probably would have handles things must different

Bill: All: I need to run. Thanks again for the prayers. Teaching again tonight and then twice on Thursday and twice on Friday. May God do through all of us what is beyond us.

Little Magpie: All - H's sensitivity to volume of conversation has started to cause him to startle reflex. It explains some why he had us all be quiet and not converse in the car, it makes it hard to talk as a family or a couple, anyway, Thank you Bill, it's time for you to run.

Little Magpie: Bill - Thank you and Prayers for your conference speaking. May God touch many lives through the words you speak

Swan: Night Bill, have fun with your group

dumbfounded2: Little Magpie - Sound and volume of sound is another thing my H is very sensitive to. Loud noises or lots of commotion unsettle him. He doesn't like loud restaurants and loud music. I am not sure if this is a middle age thing or just a man thing, but it is very real, so I respect that and try to keep our home calm.

dumbfounded2: To all - Great to talk with everyone. Have a great day.

Little Magpie: dumbfounded - It's hard to get a handle on as he has very loud hobbies. He plays music in a concert band with instruments all around him and he works with loud motor sport. He has a difficult time sitting still - like ADD and when we try to converse he focus' on his phone so we don't know if he is listening, d's and I can't converse because we disrupt him, difficult but trying to work on it.

Little Magpie: Swan- it's about time for YD to go to YG for I think the last time, maybe next week, anyway. Have a very blessed week

Swan: Little Magpie - night, keep your chin up, remember you raised your daughter to be a responsible, independent young lady, she will ok.

Little Magpie: Swan - Thanks!

 

Bill: dumbfounded2 and Little Magpie: Okay, now I am curious. One of the most common struggles of couples is verbal interaction. Men, on average, get overwhelmed by too big a volume of words. Women, on average, are unsatisfied by too small a volume of words. Finding a plan that works is very elusive for couples in love and it gets intense. Men get angry and women feel neglected. So . . . any thoughts you are willing to share on how you have grown in this area or how you think others can grow is very welcomed.

dumbfounded2: Bill - Oh Boy Yes, for so long, I just thought my H "didn't care" because he wouldn't respond in what I thought was a timely manner. What I learned is that he simply does not process information as quickly as I do. (I assume this is the same for most men and women). The woman truly has the key to solving this communication problem stuff, but she has to slow down and give him TIME. Sometimes, my H will come back a day or two later and bring up a subject after he has analyzed it and feels confident in his position. It is hard, but patience from the women is imperative. He wants to please, but is not going to shoot back an answer quickly.

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