Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

We hope you've found our website to be helpful and encouraging. You can play a big part in the lives of others by supporting the upkeep of midlife.com, and our chat room, with a tax-deductible donation of any amount, big or small. Thank you for being a part of our team!

Choose your donation level:
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

June 28, 2017 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

tos: Well, last time you warned against getting bitter and I have to say, that was helpful. There are days when I am really angry at my spouse for putting "us" (meaning me and our children) through this. But, after talking to God about my feelings, I go back to forgiving. I also just had a friend from church write me and ask for prayer because his 47 year old wife is doing the same things.

Bill: tos: Well done tos. The primary battle for those who are affected by the actions of an MLCer is at the level of the heart. It is unfair, disappointing and painful. If it turns to bitterness, it can be worse on us than the one causing the pain. I also think you are going to find this is a big club. Statistically, ML is the most prevalent time of life when divorce takes place. The hurt, pain and poor decisions cause so much turmoil that people just give up or react. In a strange way, I am glad to hear others reaching out to you because it means you are growing forward in the midst of your disappointment.

For a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at

http://love-wise.com/product.php

or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20  
 Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.
 

If this Chat Room Session has helped you or ministered to your heart, please consider sponsoring 1 Chat Room a month to help us keep our Chat Rooms active and Archives updated. Each session costs us $30 to host, edit, and post.

We can't do it without your help. Thanks for caring.  Be A Chat Room Sponsor

 

June 28, 2017 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Swan: Hi everyone, welcome to Wednesday evening chat.

Swan: Hi tos - how are you tonight?

tos: Good, thank you for asking. You?

Swan: tos - I am good, so far my week has been productive, which always makes me happy. I just don't like when I have unfinished tasks.

tos: There is a funny video on YouTube called "age activated ads" that speaks to that idea.

Bill: Good evening Swan and tos. How are you two tonight?

tos: Doing well, thank you

Swan: tos - for me I am a bit of a micro manager, always have been so when I have unfinished things going on it keep me awake at night. I will have to look up the video, it is always good to be able to laugh at one's self, it helps to keep life from getting too stressful.

Swan: Hi Bill

tos: Bill, you wrote about ML being a time of "influence." Would you elaborate on that a bit?

Bill: Hi Tos. Glad to hear things are going well for you. One of the reasons ML has been such a mystery to modern folks is it is relatively new. It used to be that people were winding down their lives in their 60s. We viewed 70 year olds as old because we didn't know that many. Today, it is common for people to work well into their 70s and to have lots of energy for the pursuits they love. Today, it is not uncommon for people to believe they will live well into their 80s. As a result, there is a new "season" of life that large numbers of people are experiencing. It is the season we now affectionately call Midlife. Studies are indicating that this is a naturally influential time of life for a number of reasons: (1) By the time we are 50, we have developed some real wisdom in life. We know what works and we know what doesn't work. We have identified what we are good at and where we lack ability. We are also humble enough to accept it. (2) We have less energy than we had in our 30s so we aren't willing to do everything. As a result, we focus on what we do best and allow others to do what they do best. (3) We still have enough energy to inspire those who are younger than us. As a result, younger folks want to hear from us even if they don't know how to let us know. (4) We begin to realize we are not going to live forever so we naturally ask what we want to pass on to others.

Bill: Tos: This is where the intense struggle comes into play. If we are not personally prepared to pass on what we have learned, we can easily get overwhelmed by the "responsibility" of possessing real wisdom. On a very personal level also, we may feel inadequate because we don't have the physical strength we used to have and came to rely on for so many areas of life. It is easy to entertain the thought that younger people don't really want to hear from us. In intense scenarios, men (and women) will sabotage the call to influence by doing something drastic that causes others not to respect or trust them. It is also intense on a spiritual level. Satan and his cohorts know that the real wisdom we attain in our 50s and 60s has the potential to highly impact the next generation. He, therefore, works hard in our world to feed our insecurities and interrupt our influence. It is common for midlifers to struggle with deep doubts and intense feelings of inadequacy. Finally, our world does not mature wisdom to reign. The wisdom we gain later in life is more godly and effective than the thoughts we had as young men and women. Our world likes to keep people off balance and spontaneous in their moral and financial decisions. Real wisdom will not feed that system so our world emphasizes youthful energy, looks and pursuits. Rather than honor those who are "old enough" to be wise, we glorify the young and manipulate the aged into thinking they are getting useless. This one is particularly personal to me because I have had a better relationship with my 88 year old dad than I ever thought would be possible based on our previous inerter actions.

Bill: tos: Ok, I will take a break and let you respond.

Swan: Wow Bill - that is a lot of food for thought, great information.

Bill: tos: Yes, it is definitely a lot to think about. One of my convictions is that this ought to be common knowledge. Just like we are all prepared to deal with adolescence, we ought to be prepared for midlife. We may not handle it any better just like many families struggle with the teen years even though we know they are coming but we can at least be informed before the storm hits.

tos: Ok, let me take a bit further and ask your opinion. If those in MLC are struggling with deep doubts and intense feelings of inadequacy, fed by Satan et al, they resist those feelings by believing/projecting/ascribing the "deficiencies" to others in their lives (spouses, parents, etc.). Then, they build a narrative of their lives that permits them to keep that story alive. For example, a husband says he no longer loves his wife, not sure if he ever did, because of something he desperately wants to believe. Reaction?

Bill: tos: This is just one of the tactics MLCers use to "justify" their decisions. Passing blame is as old as the human race. In Genesis 3, Adam blamed both Eve and God while Eve blamed the serpent. It should not surprise us then that people who are struggling are going to blame someone else and do all they can to feed that scenario. In my experience, it is easier to process the choices of MLCers when we realize they think "emotionally." Rather than use reason and logic to figure things out, they use emotions. Once you do this, any conclusion can be made to seem valid. It may be blaming others. It may be an "I deserve this" attitude. It may be an "I'm a loser and everyone will be better off if I am gone," way of thinking. It may even be "I just need to have fun" because I didn't get to have fun earlier. And so it goes with many renditions.

tos: Wow. Relying on raw emotion to make decisions is a recipe for destruction for sure.

Bill: tos: It sure is and it is the only way to gain insight into why people do what they do. Those of us who care about the one who is struggling can easily see what "ought" to be done because it is so obvious. MLCers numb their logic with vibrant emotions that help them feel they are doing what is best for them. It drives everyone who loves them crazy and is a very powerful drive in their lives.

tos: Well, last time you warned against getting bitter and I have to say, that was helpful. There are days when I am really angry at my spouse for putting "us" (meaning me and our children) through this. But, after talking to God about my feelings, I go back to forgiving. I also just had a friend from church write me and ask for prayer because his 47 year old wife is doing the same things.

tos: It's a bit maddening to watch years of a life together discarded in such a way. . .

tos: One last thought- I take great comfort seeing my wife turning toward our church during this time rather than away. I know God is working behind the scenes (in both of us, actually).

Swan: tos - something my husband once said just came to mind, for most of the 30 years we were together my husband would tell anyone that I was a great asset to him and his military career, called me his best friend and often said he wouldn't be where or who he was if I hadn't been by his side. When MLC roared into our lives, he actually told me one night that he was successful in spite of me, that I was like a weight tied around his neck choking the life out of him. When I reminded him what he had said all those years to me and others, he looked me in the eyes and said he is a good liar isn't he. Do I believe he was lying all those years, no, but in MLC he needed to blame me for the shortcomings and unmet expectations and you cannot blame someone and give them credit at the same time.

Bill: tos: Well done tos. The primary battle for those who are affected by the actions of an MLCer is at the level of the heart. It is unfair, disappointing and painful. If it turns to bitterness, it can be worse on us than the one causing the pain. I also think you are going to find this is a big club. Statistically, ML is the most prevalent time of life when divorce takes place. The hurt, pain and poor decisions cause so much turmoil that people just give up or react. In a strange way, I am glad to hear others reaching out to you because it means you are growing forward in the midst of your disappointment.

tos: I am also glad they are reaching out. It lets me give from the comfort I have received. Speaking of which, thanks to you both for your ministry.

Bill: tos: It is certainly good news that your W is turning toward the church. Let's all agree to pray that her heart opens wide and that people at church have great wisdom in talking with her.

tos: amen

tos: Swan- very good point about credit/blame.

Bill: tos: Just a heads up, MLC tends to begin and end abruptly. Just about the time it seems it will go on forever, there is a breakthrough that brings closure. Our prayer here is that the breakthrough is positive! We all know people who make a big decision and shatter the hope that reconciliation will take place. It is just as common for MLCers to wake up one day and want to get back to the love of family and the life they have invested so many years building. It is a sensitive journey, however, so we want to say prayed up and alert to the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

tos: amen. Until next time. . .

Bill: tos: Until next time. Keep trusting, keep growing and keep looking for God's best. We will be praying.

Swan: We have reached the top of the hour, I am joining in prayer for tos and see you all next week.

tos: Well, last time you warned against getting bitter and I have to say, that was helpful. There are days when I am really angry at my spouse for putting "us" (meaning me and our children) through this. But, after talking to God about my feelings, I go back to forgiving. I also just had a friend from church write me and ask for prayer because his 47 year old wife is doing the same things.

Bill: tos: Well done tos. The primary battle for those who are affected by the actions of an MLCer is at the level of the heart. It is unfair, disappointing and painful. If it turns to bitterness, it can be worse on us than the one causing the pain. I also think you are going to find this is a big club. Statistically, ML is the most prevalent time of life when divorce takes place. The hurt, pain and poor decisions cause so much turmoil that people just give up or react. In a strange way, I am glad to hear others reaching out to you because it means you are growing forward in the midst of your disappointment.

Register to read more...