Midlife Dimensions

www.MIDLIFE.com

We hope you've found our website to be helpful and encouraging. You can play a big part in the lives of others by supporting the upkeep of midlife.com, and our chat room, with a tax-deductible donation of any amount, big or small. Thank you for being a part of our team!

Choose your donation level:
SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

May 24, 2017 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Little Magpie: Bill - it's tough. We don't spend time together. He stays up to all hours reading or watching videos or goes to sleep before I get home.

Bill: Little Magpie: I don't know how to say this tactfully so allow me to ramble. Your H is exhibiting typical "I am committed but have no idea what to do" behavior. He isn't going to leave. He isn't going to say he wants you to go. At the same time, he probably thinks your needs are too big and beyond his ability. As a result, he is hanging around; coming home every night hoping the relationship gets easier so he can feel like he can succeed. Some of it is probably true while some of it is his perception of the way things are. The things that tend to help are prayer for your marriage, a focus on your own personal growth that lowers your needs, specifically asking the Holy Spirit what to say and what not to say (and then responding to how he leads) and finding ways to enjoy his presence without presenting expectations. I am not sure how you could pull this off apart from the active help of the Holy Spirit but it tends to be what works. At the moment you two seem stuck in this cycle neither of you are enjoying.

For a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at

http://love-wise.com/product.php

or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20  
 Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.
 

If this Chat Room Session has helped you or ministered to your heart, please consider sponsoring 1 Chat Room a month to help us keep our Chat Rooms active and Archives updated. Each session costs us $30 to host, edit, and post.

We can't do it without your help. Thanks for caring.  Be A Chat Room Sponsor

 

May 24, 2017 / Wednesday Chat with Bill

Swan: Hi everyone

Swan: Good evening Bill, hope your week has been filled with relaxation and fun.

Bill: Swan: It has been busy but good. Pam and I were in St Augustine, FL for the weekend then stayed an extra day to celebrate Pam's birthday. We routed our flight home through Phoenix so we could spend a day with our grandkids - always great fun.

Bill: Swan: How about you? How has your week been?

Swan: Bill - It's great that you could stay and extra day to celebrate. Grandkids are wonderful and always worth those extra routes. My week has been good, quiet which is great for me. My grandson's water polo season is over for now, so that reduces some of my transportation duties. With as much as you and Pam travel, I definitely understand the downsizing from a house to a boat. Will you be home long enough to get a good amount of the boat finished and ready to move onto?

Bill: Swan: I am mostly "home" until June 8. We have a family wedding on June 3 but it is in California. I hope to have the boat moved by June 1. In fact, you could pray for this on my behalf. I have a good friend who is a boat captain but he leaves for 2 months of running a fishing boat on June 1. If I can get the maintenance done in time, he will accompany me to move the boat to its new home. I have other options but I would prefer this one.

Swan: Bill - Praying for this, that would be awesome to have a boat captain for the move.

Bill: Swan: I will definitely have a boat captain on this voyage just to make sure. I am hoping this friend works out. If not, I will hire another from my short list.

Swan: Bill - Have you and Pam lived on a boat before? I don't know how I would do with the rocking motion. I have been on small boats and as long it is short periods, I am ok. Been on cruise ships and even in a storm didn't feel the waves much, I have been on the dinner cruises often with no effect, but I went on a whale watching trip one year and that got to me.

Bill: Swan: We have not "lived" on a boat but have stayed on many. If the boat is in the harbor or in a protected cove, the rocking is calm and relaxing. It can get rough on the open seas which is why I like to be moving (and on motion sickness meds)!

Swan: Bill - Lately we have parents dealing with rebellious young adults as much as the MLC spouse. My children were adults and already out of the house when my husband's MLC went full blown so I don't know how much affect the parents MLC has on the children. Some are attempting to be "friends", others have disconnected completely from the children. I guess I understand the disconnect, guilt, fear the children are siding with the other parent, etc. but to totally disregard their role as a parent and behave like a pal, I just don't get. Some have done so to point of rebuking the one left being a parent. Are they so insecure and in need of their children's approval of their choices they will do things that will be harmful eventually?

Swan: Bill - The patch works pretty well. Once when I was on a cruise for work in the Keys area we came upon a tropical storm, our ship actually rotated to block the storm so smaller boats could get back into port and once we ported, we stayed an extra day, guess that was good, we got eight nights on a seven night cruise. You are right now that I think about it; once we ported we couldn't feel any movement of the waves.

Bill: Swan: The best I can respond with is, "The landscape is messy." MLCers get so self-focused and absorbed with getting perceived needs met they become blind to the impact they are having on others. There is a blindness that sets in (it has to be spiritual in nature) to how people will respond to their choices. The argument tends to go something like, "I am miserable so everyone around me must be miserable too. If I become happier, the people I care about will be better off and will probably find their own place of happiness also. Besides, kids are resilient and they will do better if I am not arguing with their mom (or dad) everyday." From the outside it is easy to see this is not true and will never work but those in MLC seem to not see it.

Bill: Swan: You also bring up a good point - the kids can be drastically affected. I don't usually think of it as a separate issue because most of the guys I am working with have kids between the ages of 5 and 25. As a result, the well-being of the kids is a hot topic. I am amazed (not in a good way) at how callous they can become when they are in the throes of ML.

Bill: Hi Little Magpie

Swan: Bill - There was another member that lived in my area. She had a teenage son, she never allowed the boy to spend the night with his father because there was another woman living in that house. A few times when she had to go out of town for work I agreed to stay at her house with her son so she didn't take him to another state to stay with his grandparents for the week and miss school. His dad would still come get him for the nights they did things together. I got along with the father ok, but the second time I stayed with the son, he told me that he didn't know what to do, he couldn't tell his mother because she would go crazy and do something horrible and he talked to his dad but it fell on deaf ears. According to this boy, his dad often smelled like pot and one night asked him questions about drugs, even told him that if he felt the need to try them, he should do that with his dad so he would be safe. I guess I can see the father's point if the child is going to try them anyway to do it in a monitored place, but the boy took it as his dad was trying to turn him onto drugs so he didn't have to hide it from his son anymore. When the father came to pick the boy up I told him about our conversation and suggested that he tell the boy’s mother himself. He admitted he smoked, didn't think his son knew what it smelled like and was just trying keep his son from experimenting with "unknown" drugs. The father did talk to the boy’s mother and it got messy, she threatened to have him arrested, but it ended with he could do whatever he wanted but when he was with their son, there would be zero drug use and if the father even so much as smelled like it, the child would not be going anywhere with him. I had been around this man and he appeared to love and care very much for his son, yet he put the child at risk, I just never understood it and with the members talking about children issues lately it made me think about that family. Sadly the boy is a young adult now and he doesn't live with either parent, has very little to do with his dad and barely tolerates his mom. He emails me from time to time, he is in college and lives closer to his grandparents, and it is so sad the way it went. But it is common; I saw it a few other times, very similar situations.

Swan: Hi Little Magpie

Little Magpie: Hello All.

Bill: Swan: This is a good example of how deep the wounds can go. Kids assume their parents will be good role models throughout life. When it doesn't turn out that confusion, anger, frustration or undo independence can easily arise. Having grown up in crazy, I am comfortable talking to "kids" about how to develop personal strength when your parents are making poor choices but it is a hard calling that requires a lot of intensity. Sad is definitely the word that describes it because it could be so much easier.

Little Magpie: Swan and Bill - I have been struggling with my feelings of abandonment quite a bit lately. Doing a lot of praying. H seems to keep pulling away. We have some big decisions re; YD's college. I think he doesn't want to deal with it and is trying to avoid conversations that are uncomfortable. Do you think it could be true?

Swan: Little Magpie - Unfortunately common human nature is to bury one's head in the sand when things around us are emotionally painful, so yeah it could be very true that he is in full avoidance when it comes to his daughter leaving for college.

Bill: Little Magpie: Of course it "could" be true since nobody likes uncomfortable conversations. It is also likely that he is getting emotionally flooded by the whole situation. Men typically feel like they are drowning when emotional situations get big. We don't mean to but it jumps on us and makes us feel like we are losing our breath. Rather than admit it (and potentially look weak) we avoid or act like it is not that big a deal.

Bill: Little Magpie: It is probably also true that he believes in his daughter and is convinced she is going to figure it all out. Dads have a tendency to do this with their kids, especially if they are pursuing a worthwhile goal they believe in.

Little Magpie: Bill - it's tough. We don't spend time together. He stays up to all hours reading or watching videos or goes to sleep before I get home.

Swan: Little Magpie - My husband was a Marine Corps officer, he could command numerous troops all at one time and did so highly effective, but when it came to our two children he would run and hide from anything that arose. I often complained that I was a single parent in a two parent home and that is how it felt, he always managed to have "Marine Corps" things arise whenever a decision had to be made or enforced regarding our children. Even now with them being adults, he is good as long as conversations are fluff, but as soon as they become relational, the topic has to change or he checks out.

Little Magpie: Bill - he has been driving me to the bus and picking me up as my car has issues and even then he isn't really talkative, not that he was ever very chatty.

Little Magpie: Swan - I can relate. I often wonder how much w/ my H is his family of origin with his folks divorcing when he was young. His folks weren't role models of conversive people, neither one really were very social

Swan: Little Magpie - People dealing with depression have a tendency to go from one extreme to the other in regards to sleep, they are either exhausted sometime sleeping way too much, other times hyper and not able to sleep, it seems like their brains just don't relax, even when they are sleeping it is usually a restless sleep. I have seen this in so many military members; it is often the stress of their everyday lives that creates the almost manic moods for them.

Bill: Little Magpie: I don't know how to say this tactfully so allow me to ramble. Your H is exhibiting typical "I am committed but have no idea what to do" behavior. He isn't going to leave. He isn't going to say he wants you to go. At the same time, he probably thinks your needs are too big and beyond his ability. As a result, he is hanging around; coming home every night hoping the relationship gets easier so he can feel like he can succeed. Some of it is probably true while some of it is his perception of the way things are. The things that tend to help are prayer for your marriage, a focus on your own personal growth that lowers your needs, specifically asking the Holy Spirit what to say and what not to say (and then responding to how he leads) and finding ways to enjoy his presence without presenting expectations. I am not sure how you could pull this off apart from the active help of the Holy Spirit but it tends to be what works. At the moment you two seem stuck in this cycle neither of you are enjoying.

Bill: Good insight Swan. Thanks for sharing.

Swan: Little Magpie - Actually I can understand the driving a car routine, I don't really converse when I drive and pretty much everyone who rides with me knows that is how it is going to be, heck my grandson loves it. Now once I get home, different story.

Little Magpie: Swan - I can relate to exhaustion due to depression. With all the plates I am trying to keep in the air, I am worn out all the time. I frequently am asleep before 8 pm.

Bill: All: I need to run. Still have three hours of driving ahead today. See you next week.

Swan: Bill - Stay safe, see you next week. Prayers!

Little Magpie: Bill - Thanks and drive safely

Swan: Night everyone

Little Magpie: All - Have a good rest of the week and Thank You!

Little Magpie: Bill - it's tough. We don't spend time together. He stays up to all hours reading or watching videos or goes to sleep before I get home.

Bill: Little Magpie: I don't know how to say this tactfully so allow me to ramble. Your H is exhibiting typical "I am committed but have no idea what to do" behavior. He isn't going to leave. He isn't going to say he wants you to go. At the same time, he probably thinks your needs are too big and beyond his ability. As a result, he is hanging around; coming home every night hoping the relationship gets easier so he can feel like he can succeed. Some of it is probably true while some of it is his perception of the way things are. The things that tend to help are prayer for your marriage, a focus on your own personal growth that lowers your needs, specifically asking the Holy Spirit what to say and what not to say (and then responding to how he leads) and finding ways to enjoy his presence without presenting expectations. I am not sure how you could pull this off apart from the active help of the Holy Spirit but it tends to be what works. At the moment you two seem stuck in this cycle neither of you are enjoying.

Register to read more...