Midlife Dimensions

6:27 PM

donna.123

Bill-I'm wondering why it is not possible to reach my husband with any of this information. As I mentioned he left, hidden lies of rented house and divorce. Led us all down a path of anticipated return. He seems to have cooled just a bit. Why are they so resistant to the wife and who can reach him if not me?

6:27 PM

Bill

donna.123: the approach you are alluding to (explaining to our beloved mlcer what is going on) is a very logical approach that seems like it would effective. It seldom works, however, because they are not acting logical. Even the few things you mentioned are not logically sound on his part. They are operating on an almost exclusively emotional basis driven by misconceptions about the most important people in their lives. As a result, it takes some kind of interruption in their life to get their attention and that is something God has to orchestrate. That is why we encourage all of us to focus on our own personal, spiritual growth so we are ready when God sets up situations. It is always possible your H will ask you one day about all this. If he does, the conversation will be effective. If he doesn't ask, he will most misinterpret your efforts to "help" him.

7:01 PM

donna.123

Bill- any suggestions on reaching him or do I disappear. Lots of advice out there

7:01 PM

Bill

donna.123: Conventional wisdom is that we focus on our own growth and treat him like a friend. Do for him what you would do for any other friend. I know this not what you want but it is what you will need regardless of how things work out so it is good to work on it now. If the Holy Spirit obviously prompts you to do something else, of course follow His lead but in the mean time, a friendship focus seems to be the most effective.

7:00 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - I was talking with H on the porch the other day and he was so irritated with the birds chirping that I actually couldn't believe it. He was truly upset that they were singing so much, little signs that he is just simmering underneath all that mask of nothingness! Yes, I know that I am giving his behavior too much attention. I guess he should be treated like I did the boys when they were little. Ignore it and he will eventually stop! Yes. As son just turned a teenager, he has been asking questions and he refused to ride with H when he picked us up from work last week and he had an open beer. H was angry and said I COULD NOT keep sheltering him. I saw through it and knew he was embarrassed that son was right and holding to his conviction. I ended up driving, H sulked and son was mad, but thank goodness it was only a 15 min ride.

7:00 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2: In a sense I agree - Ignore it and he will eventually stop. Because it is dealing with a spouse instead of a child, however, there is another layer to it that is intense and difficult to keep in focus. Our desire is to reestablish a strong, supportive, healthy relationship. As the other partner fights against this, it is easy to become irritated and resentful. That is why we need an aggressive push on our personal growth to keep us ready for what God has for us in the future. In a sense, yes it is true. It is based on the principle that emotions follow decisions. Since MLC is a highly emotional state, it requires decisions to move forward and only the MLCer can make decisions for the MLCer. The exception to this is when the Holy Spirit prompts you to do or say something that He intends to use to create motion. Staying close to Jesus so we have this discernment is very helpful!

6:52 PM

koko

Bill @47 as with all of us standing and trusting God, is doing the right thing, and God will notice, but the right thing is also not expecting anything in return

6:53 PM

Bill

koko: Well said. We know that God rewards those who are faithful but if that is our motivation, we build up expectations that result in disappointment, anger, self-pity and a hundred other negative attitudes. When we do the right thing because it is the right thing, we gain contentment in the midst of turmoil.

6:56 PM

broken74

bill I’ve showed him what he can have, he even at one point said will see then he took a trip when he would never go with me, and said on this trip he will reconsider and then a week later he came back and said no change, and I’m just heartbroken, and he wants to get our financials good but he just went and got a new care and added more stress and more bills, he told me tonight that his friend is getting tired of him staying there and I said you can come back here and he said I know, don’t know why he shared that with me, then says he’s still looking for a house, says he wants a friendship with me not just based on kids and I say ok like us doing things alone, and he said no and I said ok and he said were going through this dang divorce like it was a thorn in his backside, and I said ok let me know what kind of friendship you want after the divorce and he said you never know what the future holds, he touched my leg in his new car I didn't say anything but it confused me.

6:56 PM

Bill

broken74: Well, welcome to the journey. Don't try to figure it out. Just be glad he still notices you and let God work on him. If you follow along with other people's posts you will notice that many of them have similar stories to yours. It is a lot to ask but the number one rule when your spouse is going through a MLC is "Do not analyze everything they do." They are driven by their emotions so they are continually "trying on" different options. They don't think real clear so they put themselves (and you) in situations where they check out how they feel. As a result, it is hard to tell what is real and what is a test. You will hear a lot from us, "Focus on your growth and let God work with your spouse." This is more typical stuff. If you can give him the freedom to share these thoughts with you without having to fix them or have answers to them, you will be better off. He needs a safe place to work through his feelings but he probably has a hard time finding people who don't want to correct him or give him advice.

6:10 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - My H is struggling with depression. I have watched this over the past 2 years and I can see that he is in a dark place. We had a long discussion/argument this weekend and after hearing him continue to say that he has a hard time forgiving me for being too nagging, controlling and that is the issue that keeps us apart, I told him that I understand, but I need to stop the madness...every month or so...he loves me, then withdraws and can't stand my presence..so I would move on and leave

6:10 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2: Let me comment on your post in a little bit of a random manner. I have been fascinated for a long time with the different ways men and women approach relationships. For men, it is much more of a project or "math problem." We are always looking for the formula that makes it run smoothly and helps us feel good about ourselves. For men, it tends to be an ongoing journey of interaction, changes and discoveries. "Fixing" everything is not as important as being able to interact about everything. Unfortunately, us men interpret the ongoing discussion as nagging. We feel like you are telling us to find the answer. When we come up with a solution and the discussion continues we conclude we didn't find it and keep looking. At some point, we conclude we can't find the answer and either withdraw or blame the spouse (or both.)

6:25 PM

dumbfounded2

Bill - When the MLCer begins to heal, will he remember all the issues he supposedly had regarding my faults or will that be stuff he wants to forget? Most of it was really untrue, but he is entitled to his own perspective although he had stated the direct opposite of many of the things he spewed during his angry phase.

6:25 PM

Bill

dumbfounded2: In these cases, there are problems and symptoms. Mostly what you hear from the MLCer when he is in the midst of his struggle are symptoms. The criticism, the pushing away, the accusations, etc. are usually symptoms of the pain in the heart. When the heart heals, the symptoms are not necessary anymore. As a result, much of what seemed to be big issues evaporate at the point of healing.

6:47 PM

yoli13

Bill I may have asked this before but don't remember. It's called a senior moment. So why do some spouses file for d immediately and others don't?

6:47 PM

Bill

yoli13: I wish there was a really good, really clear answer. MLC is an illogical process from its onset. Some file for D because they believe it sets them free to find themselves. Others wait because they don't know what they want and they don't want to let their confusion decide their lives. They freeze which causes just as much damage. It is best, in my opinion, to process this all as a developmental shift in their lives rather than focus on the details of their behavior.

6:13 PM

Tiger

Bill - said he forgot to ask how the kids were doing. and asked about my mom. I told him I was going on a cruise with S28. he said have a good time and call me when you get back... we got back Sat. I texted him from the ship... he was glad we were back and he asked if I wanted to go to dinner on Sunday after he got through teaching, I said sure sounds great...

6:13 PM

Bill

Tiger: These sound like "agonizingly encouraging" acts on his part. Because MLC is such an emotional rollercoaster. I encourage you to enjoy these good times without overanalyzing it too much.

6:31 PM

challenger3

Bill, I guess what you are saying is that he is relieved that we are divorced? That tells me that he does not want to come back to the relationship then and prefers a friendship or am I reading too much into this.

6:31 PM

Bill

challenger3: You are most likely reading too much into it because it is a temporary sense of relief. D is never a real solution to anything so there is a lot of "reality" for him to deal with going forward. This temporary relief doesn't last long and there is no way to predict whether he will want to come back or not. There are plenty of stories of couples who break up only to discover that over time it was not a good idea. I encourage you to still take this a day at a time and not make long range conclusions yet.