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August 27, 2017 / Sunday

Swan: Beth - Contact would be a nice thing, my husband hasn't been allowed to have contact with me since he married the other woman, she put her foot down on that day and that was that. Even when he was living with her, he would call me or email me from his work address in the middle of the night, he wasn't into the text thing back then. But she found out he was emailing me and from what I heard they fought for days and in the end, he stopped emailing and calling.

Beth: Swan ow tried everything in her power to keep my H from contacting me in first years. She even got him to leave his job early and move away with her. He lost so much of his pension because of that. But past three years he has been lot different towards me. I do believe ow was not around when he text or Face Time. If she was I would have heard her in background .

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August 22, 2017 / Tuesday

Hannah: All - when I hear of couples breaking up I am about to introduce the one the one that is left to our group and then I hear that they want a new beginning. Nobody seems to want to repair their marriages these days.

Swan: Hannah - give up, move on, throw people away, seems to be the path of today's society. Working on things are just too hard, so people toss things and people a side and go with the next thing. That happens a lot with jobs, especially young people, no one wants to learn the job right, so they half way do it and when someone corrects them, they quick.

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August 20, 2017 / Sunday

 

Bluesky: Swan, I didn't know that you had a police officer in your scenario too. I haven't heard this story before. Wow. So he believed what she was saying despite know you all his life?

 

Swan: Bluesky - she was the one that he had gone to elementary school with, she had lived down the street from his parents home. We had been married 28 years, complacency had set it and she was that fresh new exciting relationship that had overtones of childhood together. Plus she was a police officer and she could prove I have been threatening her (I wasn't, only knew her first name at this point). He wanted to believe the thrill was real and believed her lies, by the time they broke up he was already on line meeting other women and told me that he could never trust me again because of what I had done. It was his excuse to blame me for his choices, he admitted years later that he was a fool for believing the first other woman, but is also convinced it is too late; he has to live with the mess he has made.

 

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August 15, 2017 / Tuesday

Kmkrn: buttons - A side note to that is that my H took the ow to Jazz Fest while he was with her, so it was a hard pill to swallow when he wanted to go back there again with me, but now we've been a few times, so I'm better about it.

buttons: Kmkrn that would be a bit challenging, it's like when I hear a song H listened to over and over again in the first year or two, since he was home I heard them often! Now I cringe less but sometimes it's still tough

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August 15, 2017 / Tuesday

Kmkrn: Swan - Hello!

Swan: Hello everyone, welcome to Tuesday evening chat

Swan: Hi KmKrn

Swan: KmKrn - at what point did you share with your husband that you were involved with the MLD chat room? Some, even those who have their husband's at home or reconcile, never shared about MLD. I am not saying we should go into details, but I just wonder if keeping it from them is not being honest.

Swan: KmKrn - My children have always known that I am involved here, but neither of them approve. I never really went into detail about the site, but they were free to look for themselves. At first they attempted to scold me about the site and how I needed to move on with my life, now it is a topic that is off the table, I don't talk about it and they don't give their opinions anymore.

Kmkrn: Swan - I told him while he was not living at home. He called me and asked what I was doing. I said, "I'm in a chat room." He said, "A sex chat room?" and I said, "NO!" and told him about MLD. So, he has known for a LONG time. He never says anything about it, it's OK with him, but as you know he is not interested.

Kmkrn: Swan - My kids know about this chat room as well. They have never had a strong opinion one way or another, but they know that their mom likes to help people, so it's all good.

Swan: KmKrn - I didn't tell my husband about support on line, but the first other woman located me on another site, it didn't have a chat but used what they called threads, basically you had a page and people could leave comments and when you commented back, it linked to their page. She told him about my page and even attempted to bait me by saying some horrible things to get me to react in a negative manner. I didn't, but she made it appear as if I had, when he confronted me I showed him my actual page and exactly what she had said as well. He got so upset that I was sharing my hurt with others, so I never really told him about MLD, but we were separated when I found it. I don't think I would keep it from him, but wouldn't expect him to approve either.

Swan: Hi buttons

buttons: hello ladies

Kmkrn: Swan - I am so naively honest that it didn't occur to me to lie. I don't lie well, so I generally don't.

Kmkrn: buttons - Hi!

Kmkrn: Swan - And you can tell by his response that he was a full blown MLC!

Swan: KmKrn - I am with you, I never kept anything from him when we were married, and I just don't know that I could. I had someone ask me if they should hide it from their husband and I said no, but then got to thinking that since I didn't really have that as an option, maybe I gave wrong information. Thanks

Kmkrn: Swan - That's always good advice.

buttons: Ladies with my H home I either did not go into chat when he was in the room or would chat when he was very focused on chatting with ___ ? IF he asked I'd just say there's a Christian chat room I've found and I'm talking to some of them.

Kmkrn: buttons - That works too. Has he ever asked?

buttons: kmkrn at this point he's met Cricket and I have told him some but not in depth what the chat room is about a Christian chat with people supporting each other.

buttons: kmkrn now he hasn't asked in quite a while, he knows I sometimes chat with a group of others

Kmkrn: buttons - Ha! Ha! My H has met Cricket as well! She sure gets around!

Swan: KmKrn - I remember when my husband had walked into our bedroom and threw a stack of papers at me, the print out of the conversations from my thread. I looked at them and maybe 10 percent was what I had ever actually said. It was a stop in your tracks kind of moment as he was screaming at me and I asked him just how his girlfriend found me on the website in the first place. He so calmly said, oh she did a search on me (she was or still is a police officer) and knew what kind of sites I had been visiting, to which I pointed out that she must be searching him as well since we both used the same computer. They got into a big fight over that, not sure on details, but do know that they broke up a couple weeks later. His mind was so foggy, that even though he knew what she had done, he wanted to believe I was the bad guy and used that to justify going on line and finding the second other woman.

buttons: Kmkrn yes, she does, she was able to get an apartment for a week here and came over our July holiday

Swan: buttons - see that seems good, they don't need to know the details until they ask in depth, but saying a Christian support group is what MLD is.

Kmkrn: buttons - We met her at Jazz Fest in New Orleans a couple of years ago.

buttons: swan exactly

buttons: kmkrn right, I remember you and her talking about that a little

Kmkrn: Swan - We do make the best scapegoats when they want to justify their actions. :0

buttons: ladies they sure do

Kmkrn: ALL - Did you notice that my prayer requests were a little outdated? (They were from last year when we went to the Olympics in Brazil)! I teased our coordinator a little about that. I told her not to worry about it and to just keep it that way since she works hard enough.

buttons: Kmkrn sorry, I have been really bad about reading prayer requests or much of anything right now, normally I read them and pm the people but have slipped this last while.

Kmkrn: buttons - A side note to that is that my H took the ow to Jazz Fest while he was with her, so it was a hard pill to swallow when he wanted to go back there again with me, but now we've been a few times, so I'm better about it.

Swan: KmKrn - That goes to show how much I know about the Olympics, even with my grandson being in the junior's last year, I have been praying for them thinking you guys were having a lot of excitement going on.

buttons: Kmkrn that would be a bit challenging, it's like when I hear a song H listened to over and over again in the first year or two, since he was home I heard them often! Now I cringe less but sometimes it's still tough

Kmkrn: ALL - I know what you mean, I do that too.

Kmkrn: buttons - Yup!

Swan: KmKrn - there is a venue here that my husband and I went to every year for many years and I found out after the fact that he still got tickets and took the other woman. At first I got hurt, then angry, then thought about it and wondered if he was able to be there and not think of all the times we had gone, even if he was there with her.

Kmkrn: Swan - I'm sure it backfired on him and he thought about you the whole time!

buttons: Kmkrn I'm sure that's what would have happened

Swan: Ladies - this is how bad their thinking is, my husband asked my daughter to get the tickets for him from my office, we had really good seats contracted. She told him no and he ended up getting the tickets from Ticket Master and paid their fees, plus wasn't able to get center front seats. I am so glad he didn't think to actually ask me or come to my office to buy the tickets, because my staff would have told me if he had.

Kmkrn: ALL - I just listened to a great book (audio book) called "Proof of Heaven" by Eben Alexander, M.D. about a neurosurgeon who was in a coma for a week.

buttons: Kmkrn interesting

Swan: I love audio books that sounds like a good book, I will have to look for it, and I am about ready for a new read

Kmkrn: ALL - It's one I would listen to again to remember more details. Very comforting too.

Kmkrn: ALL - It's also a miracle really that he lived to tell his story.

buttons: All I have read two good ones this last year. One was about a young woman who tried to commit suicide by laying across the train tracks, for all intensive purposes she SHOULD HAVE DIED! She lost her legs but lived. It was a tough read at times however very good. The other one was about a woman who ended up badly burned in a plane crash, her husband was hurt and a friend died, that was an "easier" read but still tough

buttons: Kmkrn the book sounds like a good one, right now I'm trying to get through one that sounds really good but uses some big words and is a bit slow getting going. I also have one waiting called "The Room" which is based on true events

Kmkrn: buttons - You don't pick the "happily ever after" books, do you?

buttons: Kmkrn they both called my name at the Christian book store, no I didn't in those cases, and they are a contrast to "Due to Rising Energy Costs the Light at the Tunnel has been turned off", which is about being happy no matter events and "Smile for No Good Reason"

Kmkrn: buttons - "The Shack" told me that I had to read that book, I didn't want to, but I'm glad I finally did. I liked the movie too.

Swan: buttons - that is kind of like fake it till you make it, I remember smiling so hard when I was crying inside, but I just couldn't let the world see how torn apart I was.

buttons: Kmkrn I think I've heard of that

buttons: swan yeah that's how it is for me sometimes. I had an interesting conversation with one of the ladies I meet up with walking dogs in the evening, she shared how she's not happy in her place and others don't understand why but she felt I would

Kmkrn: ALL - I also just bought "The Book of Joy" with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, but I haven't read it yet.

buttons: swan she'd lived in a townhouse pretty much across the street which she really liked however some scary things occurred so she and her husband sold when they got a chance to buy a friend's townhouse (one level) nearby

Swan: Ladies I am going to head out, I am cooking tonight and need to get dinner ready

buttons: swan she had the place renovated, etc. but she just doesn't really like the place

buttons: swan night, have a great evening and supper

buttons: Hugs and prayers to both of you

Kmkrn: ALL - Good night and God bless! XOXOXO

August 13, 2017 / Sunday

Cricket: Tos - You are right in that we have to surrender this to the Lord but we also want to be the best we can be. When we see things that are true, that we can improve, it's helpful to have something we can do with the situation. As I worked on areas like not being so nurturing, not jumping in to fix things before being asked, becoming more independent in doing things on my own, friends and coworkers noticed and complimented me. I didn't realize it but my attempts as a fixer were sometimes resented by coworkers who felt they needed to learn themselves. Some teased me about being a "mother hen" with the young officers I worked with. I thought I was being a better wife and a better supervisor in some of these things but they were actually things I needed to dial back down. In working on my independence, I've accomplished things I never would have done and its' really helped rebuild my self esteem and I've enjoyed the independence more than I imagined.

tos: Hi Cricket- yes, I've done some of that as well and that has been very liberating. It has lessened the anxiety and allowed me to detach with love when things go down a difficult path

For a list of media recommendations by Midlife Dimensions and our Chat Room Facilitators, please visit at

http://love-wise.com/product.php

or http://astore.amazon.com/midlife-20  
 Amazon sends a donation to the non-profit ministry of Midlife Dimensions anytime an order is placed via our link. We hope you enjoy the various lists of recommendations and thank you for supporting Midlife Dimensions through Amazon.
 

If this Chat Room Session has helped you or ministered to your heart, please consider sponsoring 1 Chat Room a month to help us keep our Chat Rooms active and Archives updated. Each session costs us $30 to host, edit, and post.

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August 13, 2017 / Sunday

Cricket: Happy Sunday, welcome.

tos: Hi

Cricket: tos - Good to see you, are things going with you.

tos: It had been good. Last 2 days rough. 3 steps forward, 2 back.

Swan: Hi Cricket and tos

tos: Do either of you do anything with the website?

Cricket: Tos - Sadly that's typical with mlc. We often call it a roller coaster ride, and not a fun one!

Cricket: Hey Swan

tos: Yes, roller coaster.

Swan: tos - not really, that is mostly Lisa; I can pass your inquiry on to her.

tos: I have tried to register twice for an account and it is supposed to send me a link or something to confirm. It never comes.

Swan: tos - that shouldn't be the case anymore, there was an issue with the registration, the webmaster has eliminated some of the requirements what were causing issues for people. However, you are here, so you have this account.

Cricket: Tos - The important thing is to remember that this is common with mlc and keep your focus on the Lord and not the circumstances. Keep working on growing where you can not because this is all your fault but because in every long term marriage, there is growth. Too often, couples don't share the little things that begin to bother them and those things build. This journey gives us the opportunity to step back and look at areas that we can improve. To listen to our spouse and let them feel we are listening. Some things they bring up are simply excuses for their actions but usually there are things that we can look at and realize that we could improve.

tos: this account is only for the chat room, I think. I've tried to see the archives and no go. I'll try now.

tos: Got this message: Login denied! Your account has either been blocked or you have not activated it yet.

Swan: tos - Oh, I will have to look into that, going to the archives shouldn't be an issue, let me know and I will look into it and see if IT can fix it.

Swan: tos - I will look into that after chat and see what I can figure out and submit a work request with IT, I will let you know via email what I find out.

tos: Thanks, Cricket. But what if the improvements are all discounted and the mlc only points to the mistakes of the past--no matter how many times they are acknowledged and repented. And the verbal lashing is so hurtful (as I am sure were the things I did/didn't do in the past)

Cricket: Tos - Typically men complain that women smother them/nag and treat them like children. They complain that we have let ourselves go, don't care to look nice for them, that we have focused so much on kids that we lost touch with the world, etc. Women say, 1. He is too controlling, dominating and “it’s all about him.” 2. He doesn't understand that I'm growing (spiritually/mentally) as a person and he is not encouraging me in my career, education, or other activities. 3. He doesn't take care of his physical body, hygiene, and general appearance (sometimes I can't stand to touch his flabby body)

tos: 1&2 are definitely going on. 3 not so much, but it has been before.

tos: it's like you've been listening in, amazing all the similarities and sad.

Cricket: Tos - I really listened to my H's complaints and I did make some big changes. My h admitted to his best friend that I'd done great and he wished I'd have done this sooner but now it was too late. We'd lost our connection. When he told me this, I said we could rebuild our connection but he said no it was too late. I realized that he was set on chasing his fantasy and didn't want to see there was hope.

tos: Thanks Cricket. I listened and made changes as well. They've been largely discounted with "you never" and "you always" in the pain. But, I have learned to surrender it all to God. If we keep trying to fix things, He will not step in. If we give it to him and trust, He will.

Cricket: Tos - With all of us, we find that it's like someone wrote a script and played it in our spouses head while they slept. We're always amazed at how often we have heard the exact words. Jim told me that it was still good to look at the areas that I could improve, not because my H would see this and return and mlc would be over, but in time as reality hit, he would remember these changes. AND most of all do this because I want to be the best I can be!

tos: I think it's easy to lose sight of who God made you to be by letting someone else, even a spouse, define you. But you are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Not perfect, perhaps. But also not responsible for another person deviating from God's standard, nor for unforgiveness.

tos: However, we are responsible for our behavior (which is in fact not perfect), our own actions and feelings, and our relationship with God.

Swan: tos - when my husband was spewing these words at me, I thought it was only him, and then I found and read Men in Midlife Crisis and realized my husband was actually parroting. Which was helpful for me because I had been taking every word he said personally and trying hard to figure out how he saw things as he did. Some of what he was saying had truth, but most didn't, once I understood it was the MLC speaking, I was able to take it less personal and also stopped arguing with him about it, the less time I spent trying to prove he was wrong, the less stress there was for me.

tos: what is parroting?

Swan: tos - speaking as a parrot would, repeating something.

Cricket: Tos - You are right in that we have to surrender this to the Lord but we also want to be the best we can be. When we see things that are true, that we can improve, it's helpful to have something we can do with the situation. As I worked on areas like not being so nurturing, not jumping in to fix things before being asked, becoming more independent in doing things on my own, friends and coworkers noticed and complimented me. I didn't realize it but my attempts as a fixer were sometimes resented by coworkers who felt they needed to learn themselves. Some teased me about being a "mother hen" with the young officers I worked with. I thought I was being a better wife and a better supervisor in some of these things but they were actually things I needed to dial back down. In working on my independence, I've accomplished things I never would have done and its' really helped rebuild my self esteem and I've enjoyed the independence more than I imagined.

tos: Repeating something they had heard? they said before? they read? all of them?

tos: Hi Cricket- yes, I've done some of that as well and that has been very liberating. It has lessened the anxiety and allowed me to detach with love when things go down a difficult path

Swan: tos - all of them, saying things that they think will justify their choices, but isn't necessarily the truth. Just repeating and unfortunately with television, the news, people we come into contact with, etc. there is so much out there for them to see and hear to make them feel they are not doing anything wrong.

Cricket: Tos - Often these mlc women or men talk to others who are unhappy or they see something in social media or on TV and they latch on to others complaints to justify their feelings. My H was a very capable police officer who had a terrible childhood. He was always one to solve problems for others and he didn't understand why he couldn't shake the depression. He tried all kinds of things, working out, talking to friends, going to counseling but just talk therapy & taking anti depressants. Finally he decided it must be me, it must be the marriage or else why would he be unable to shake the depression & thoughts of suicide. SO they parrot latch on to things they hear others complain about as that lets them justify their actions.

tos: interesting. So they are parroting as a convenient way of justifying their choices

tos: got it

Cricket: Tos - YES, it has been liberating for me as well. I built my life around my H, turned down promotion opportunities, and didn’t join girlfriends with healthy activities because I was trying to be super wife. When my H talked about being smothered, felt responsible for my happiness, etc. etc., I found friends to golf with, I learned to ride my own motorcycle, traveled, etc. HE thought that it was not possible for me to do these things. In time I even ran for and was elected to public office! In working on me, I found talents, skills/abilities I didn't know I had and I stopped feeling responsible to be "super-wife"!

tos: cool!

Cricket: Tos - As you know, this journey severely damages our self esteem. In working in some of these areas, we repair our self esteem and realize that we were not the cause of our spouse's depression. We can grow but we could have grown if our spouse would have shared their feelings and given us the opportunity. Many in restored marriages have been told by their spouse that they were amazed at the growth they made. As reality hit with the OP they were with, they kept noticing the good things their spouse was doing, the saw them growing and finding contentment & self awareness and even enjoying life and they wanted that.

Swan: Sorry, kicked myself out.

Cricket: Swan - We've all been there, welcome back!

Swan: tos - there was one night when my husband actually woke me up so he could tell me a story about what was happening to the other woman; I guess he thought I was going to feel sorry for her. What he was saying had been on one of those night time soap opera type shows just a couple nights earlier and when I pointed out that the other woman must be a fan of the television show, he defended her saying she wasn't that type person, she was into serious television. I pointed out that her story was pretty much identical to the television show and he got angry at me. A couple days later he overheard a couple ladies at his work talking about the show and says he confronted the other woman about it, she admitted she was telling him about the television show, not telling him it had happened to her, although he swears she told it as if it was her life. People sometimes blur the fine line when they are trying to justify their actions and if they hear or see something that looks like a good excuse, they jump on it.

tos: Good grief. Repeating TV shows and books and friends experiences. But if you tell someone that, you would be accused of defensiveness or denial.

tos: or gas lighting

Swan: tos - it happens, I had a young lady that worked for me many years ago that loved I think it was General Hospital, she talked about the people on that show like they lived next door and I had no clue until one day I was commenting to a friend how horrible a time my employees friends were having it and when I said the names she had called them by, my friend informed me they were soap opera characters not real people. I felt foolish, but this girl was so into that show, she believed these people were real, like I said something there is a fine line.

tos: I remember someone asked for prayer for Luke and Laura at church one time back then.

Cricket: tos - Often it's not a obvious is that but you get the idea. They are unhappy and rather than look inside at unresolved issues they latch onto any excuse they hear. Co-workers talk about their h's not listening, being too bossy/controlling, doesn't care, etc and they think, YEAH RIGHT, it's not me, it's them. AS Swan said, they parrot things they hear in their desperation to justify their feelings. There are common things that trigger mlc, a death or life threatening illness of a loved one, a career stress/loss, etc, They can't shake the depression and need to find a reason

Swan: tos - those are the friends this girl talked about

tos: I haven't seen depression yet. Just anger.

tos: but I sense desperation and my heart breaks for her

Cricket: tos - They turn their unhappiness into anger. She probably kept the depression hidden or like in my case, there were things my H was dealing with and I thought his stress was that. Suddenly he admitted that he'd been unhappy in our marriage and had been for years!

Swan: tos - my husband always said during his time in the Marine Corps that I had been a true partner, we were a team and I had serviced as much as he had. After MLC he told some of these same people that he had succeeded in spite of me, not because of me, that I had hindered his career. When his good friend called him on what he was saying and reminded him that I had been one of the better military wives, my husband stopped talking to him. At some point, the fog takes over and they change history from reality to whatever they need so they don't feel guilt over what they are doing

Swan: tos - sometimes anger is part of the depression, they don't understand what is going on within and they don't get the sadness, but get angry at the feelings they are going through. My husband started with anger, then moved into the more outward signs of depression, but was able to hide it pretty well at work for a long time.

Cricket: Tos - YES like Swan, my H actually admitted in counseling that he hated it all the years we worked different shifts. That he protected the time we had together because we enjoyed the same things and had such a good time together. It had only been a couple years that we'd have normal business hours and weekend together. He'd also previously told friends that our marriage succeeded as we were truly best friends. Yet when mlc hit, he said he felt smothered, that I wasn't able to do anything on my own, etc. This was directly opposite of what he said when mlc hit and he truly seemed to believe what he was saying.

Cricket: Swan/tos - I need to run to meet someone who needs my help. Have a good night. tos - hang in there, we have many who are restored and yet they faced the same challenges you describe.

Swan: tos - my husband went from "I love you but I am not in love with you" to "I never loved you". He even told one person that I trapped him into marriage, so he deserved to be free of me and finally live his life. Interestingly, we dated in high school, we both joined the Marine Corps and I actually broke up with him for a time because my family had been constantly saying that we were too young and I really shouldn't commit to my high school sweetheart. For six months he pursued me, one would think that if he hadn't loved me he would have just let it go.

Swan: Night Cricket

Swan: Hi buttons

buttons: Hello everyone, how are you all tonight?

buttons: Hello tos I do not believe we have met. Welcome

Swan: buttons - I am doing good, how about yourself.

buttons: All just going to go back a bit for a minute

buttons: swan fighting with myself-- emotions are messed up right now

Swan: buttons - I have been there, I am my own worst critic at time, hope you get the emotions back on track. Praying for resolve for you.

buttons: swan thank you... it's been a week or more and it's so frustrating... my 50th is coming and my body has been changing for a while and I think the whole combo is messing me around... also H has gone away for work for a week and he lost one of my car keys at a store and said the OLD "I'm moving out when I get back" because I was upset

Swan: buttons - oh no, he was doing so much better and to go right to that, I am so sorry

buttons: swan yeah, it was so frustrating because I have worked so hard on NOT getting upset and angry when he's angry and then he gets angry and says that. sigh

buttons: swan I am severely beating myself up for NOT being very productive at all, I spoke to someone about being on-call for a corner store and was supposed to call to meet her WAYYY back at end of June and I haven't called, also I am just plain feeling not successful at anything right at the moment messy emotions!!

buttons: swan I have been there! It's amazing how unkind they can be and as I was you ladies shared they seem to have the same script

buttons: swan I will let you go hope your new job is working out well for you!

Swan: buttons - work is good, fun! Their words can cut so deeply and they know exactly what words to use to do just that. Have a great evening, sorry about the emotions, I hate when I get that way, praying for you.

buttons: swan thank you and yes, they sure can hurt night. Hugs and prayers have a great week

August 08, 2017 / Tuesday

Kmkrn: Swan - I'm not sure I want (or could handle) the details, even after all this time, so it's probably better this way.

Swan: KmKrn - I agree, hearing details would only allow the enemy the ability to surface images to my mind that would bring back up the hurt. There was a time in my life when I needed to dissect every little thing, not this, I don't want to know what my husband and the other woman are doing, and I think that is part of why I don't ask any questions of the kids about their dad.

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July 30, 2017 / Sunday

dumbfounded2: dani3, Brin - Thank you. I was pretty heartbroken too. I had posted a picture of H and me last Dec at a work event and for some reason she felt compelled to text me, blasting me for being selfish, and unbelievably stupid, it went on and on. She is immature in many ways and my son is the more level headed one, but he can’t make her mature. I have treated it much like the MLCer in that I ignore the spewing and march on. I am going to treat them as my children and she will have to learn to deal with that or it will eventually cause problems with their relationship. My oldest calls me almost every day like he use to (on his way to work) and we talk about all kinds of stuff. I am mama and plan to always be so we will see. We are planning another Thanksgiving trip to see them and our son seems excited to see us.

Cricket: dumbfounded - It's hard as far as your DIL but in her mind, she is protecting her H. You're doing the right thing by applying lessons learned from mlc. It will probably take time to trust but hopefully as she sees her H/your son trusting, she'll slowly come around. Sadly, I wonder if there are some dysfunctional things from your DIL's family that makes her more rigid in her thoughts.

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July 23, 2017 / Sunday

Dogwood: Cricket: Thanks for telling me anger is normal. I do get over the negative feeling quickly. But going through it is not a pleasant experience. Also, don not know how should I feel about him and how to relate to him when I see him in the house. Should I withhold conversation with him because I am mad at his keeping going out? Should I withhold my feeling toward him? Or doing my own thing without inviting him? He normally does not accept my suggestions about doing anything together, but I have not stopped trying every time

Cricket: Dogwood - When you are home with your H, try to keep things light, upbeat and pleasant so he can see that he can have a nice evening at home and watch a game with you. Laughter is huge for them and for depression, so sharing something funny you saw or that happened is huge. As he sees that he can stay home and have a nice night, no talk about marriage and his behavior, it may help him stay home more.

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July 22, 2017 / Saturday

tos: That's helps. At least it means she feels safe with me. Yikes! Thanks again. All the divorce Talk makes me anxious, but God is with me. Talk soon.

Swan: My husband's divorce made me sick, physically and mentally, I actually stayed in bed for several days, took time off from work, I just couldn't function for a period. I knew that I couldn't stay in that state, but allowed myself to fall apart for a few days, then had to buck up and get back into life. It wasn't easy and I was still in that daze for months, but eventually through my time with God functioned better a little more with each day.

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July 16, 2017 / Sunday

Cricket: Swan - I can completely imagine how much that meant to her and I know there are many times that you have blessed them, not to mention that your grandson & you share a bond that gives him someone other than a parent he can confide in and respects advice from. That is huge!

Swan: Cricket - with both of his grandfather's having had midlife issues, I really don't want him to go through it and feel it is better for him to be able to talk to someone rather than bottle things up and he also knows that if I think his parents need to know they will be told, he gets the first opportunity but they will find out.

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July 15, 2017 / Saturday

Swan: Cricket - Retirement is hard for police, fire and military, it is like they have such a hard time finding the off switch. Even while our military was in "at peace" status, they spend so much time training, organized and being on the ready that when it is all done, they cannot just relax, they continue to live in prep mode. This explains why so many go into second careers of equal stress, become substance abusers, chase happiness but never finding it or going completely off the grid. My husband and I also planned to travel; our target age was 55 years old, no work just going when and where we wanted. He is still working, he did buy a motor home, but it gets borrowed by others or just sits, my son was saying he cannot believe his dad hasn't sold it yet, it cost him a small fortune to replace a lot of the wiring because it has sat for so long that the critters had taken up home in the engine and chewed so much stuff up.

Cricket: Swan - Yes, I was going to say that it's also very hard for fire & military. These careers become so much of whom you are and such purpose. Transition to retirement is very hard. Many really struggle with it, even to point of suicide, reason it's so important to have a plan, purpose, etc.

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