tos: I don't. Unfortunately, she hasn't played by the same rules. I am counting on the fact that they will see the truth and understand I will not criticize her.
Cricket: Tos - Yes, they try to justify their actions but trust me, your kids will respect and love you even more for not lowering yourself to that level. I know firsthand as my father was horrible to my mother but my mother would never say anything negative. I even said I wished she married someone else and she said "No, I wouldn't have had you." I said you'd have had kids and she said but they wouldn't have been you. Decades later I asked her why she never said anything negative and she said my Dad was part of me and I was part of him and she would never say negative. My dad was abusive and horrible but my Mom's actions made me respect her even more.
Bluesky: Cricket, I can't see if there is any misery or turmoil in my h's R. I think if I knew it would make me feel better.
Cricket: Bluesky - I didn't know about the issues he had with OW#1 until they split and he reconnected with me. I heard a little as his best friend is also a close friend of mine. The friend was trying to plant seeds of reason with my H with OW#1. When they split and he later got together with OW#2, the friend has avoided sharing any info. Still there are signs that things are not ideal at all.
Swan: Pualani - That makes sense that he is so angry, I can understand, heck maybe I would be too if in his situation, he is getting the raw end of the deal. I am guessing that he hasn't said anything about your comments because he doesn't know how to say it. He is feeling embittered right now, not actually at you, but you got the sting of some of his emotions. He may not know how to say he is sorry or deal with the fact that he caused hurt, he doesn't want to be hurt, he doesn't want to cause hurt, but hurt is a consuming aspect of his life right now and I would bet is overwhelming in him so many ways.
Pualani: Swan, I agree he is hurting as he mentioned how much he HATES his W, my H's OW and how much he's missing his elder daughter whose birthday it was last weekend. Sadly he's generalizing about women and lumping them all together saying they're all a waste of space, the same as my F used to say in fact. He used to tell my Mum, that every breath she took she owed to HIM! He always said that women are second class citizens and sometimes my B voices that in his own way.
Swan: KmKrn - I typically tell others when they give me the "how can you ever trust him again" speech that I trust God and He is in charge of my husband.
Kmkrn: Bluesky - I have learned mostly that "the ONLY person I have control over is ME." I can't control my H or anyone else so, even if my H never returned, then I was OK with God (but I would not be seeking another spouse or a divorce).
Bluesky: Swan, good point, I wouldn't know what to talk about at this point. I have a lot of things regarding my daughter but that is her fight, I just seethe.
Cricket: Bluesky - You are right that the issues between your H & D are between them. IF you were to try to talk to him about those, she'd probably get upset and deny. As women, we tend to want to fix things and protect them but they really need to fight their own battles and know they can confide in us and have our shoulder.
Cricket: Swan - YES pride with my H too. My H reconnected immediately after he and OW#1 split. He didn't take time to deal with and completely end things with OW#1 so she kept inserting herself until he backed away a year later. At that time, this OW was able to access chat during a time they were working on the website. She took info I shared here & twisted it telling my H I was spreading lies about him. She had enough facts to be convincing and it hurt my H a great deal. I was never able to tell him the truth although I heard in time he learned she accessed chat. This added to the pride & walls.
Pualani: Ladies, my H was very proud too and would rarely apologize, even when he knew he was in the wrong. He once said he didn't need God in his life, he was perfectly capable of managing his life by himself. It will be interesting to see how THAT pans out...
dani3: Cricket - so sorry to hear this. I am sure it feels like she is being used.
Cricket: Dani - And sadly she has been used by her older sons. As she said, she was the one who protected her sons from their father but when he left, they clamored for his attention and turned on their mother. Her 30 yrs old definitely is using her, it was obvious to Swan and I but it's harder for a Mom. Also they have used her grandchildren against her, telling her they don't know her and then not letting her have contact.
Swan: Pualani - Your brother is hurting and he also is very aware of your situations and the pain it is causing you, his comment most likely wasn't meant as a shot at you as one at your husband and son's. It has to be frustrating for him to watch his nephews make promises and then do nothing. He has always been such a big supporter of you; I would imagine he didn't understand how his words may have sounded to you.
Pualani: Ladies, I understand what you're saying. In a way I don't think he targets just me, but my sister as well. He's forever telling her she needs to do this that or the other on her house, yet she is financially hard up the same as me and has health issues the same as me. His remarks triggered the feelings of unworthiness that I've had all my life from my father that nothing that I did was ever good enough, from my H that yes, I'd done this that or the other, but hadn't done a, b and c and now my brother just completely disheartening me. To tell you the truth last night I felt like jumping in my car, driving it fast and crashing it and then setting it on fire for good measure!
Hannah: Swan do you worry about it?
Swan: Hannah - I do, as does my daughter in law, but pushing would not be in our favor, because he would push back, so we pray. He paid for Christian school for my grandson for years with no objection, he attended events at the school, he has been to church a few times for special events involving my grandson, but that is about as far as it goes. However, for being someone who doesn't believe, he does know a lot about the Bible, Jesus, etc. He doesn't argue about it, but if someone tries to put his in a corner about it (his mother in law mostly), he can come back with complete accuracy and rebuke them.
HopinginHim1: Swan - So true. Sometimes prayer just get us started talking to the Lord and then things just move from there. I love your idea about the binder. It's a great tool and a great thing to grab when we don't have it on our own to pray.
Swan: HopinginHim - I often have questions for God and I will sit in a quiet place and ask them, sometimes I end up answering myself and other times the answer will come through reading the Bible, another person, etc. I figure God is using my own thoughts and other things as a tool to answer. And there are times, I don't hear anything for a long time, I keeps asking. As His Word says, Ask, seek and Keep asking.
Pualani: Swan, that is so true! I'm glad your son was the one to call his sister out on the issue. I guess I tried to overcompensate for his father's lack of love/interest as it hurt me so much to see him rejected and hurt and he knows which buttons to press now. I make sure I post stuff on FB that shows I'm fine and doing my own thing, even if he is hurting me, I don't show it.
Swan: Pualani - hurting people - hurt people! It is sad, but true when others are hurting they often tend to cause pain to those around them, it is as if they need others to hurt with them and if that isn't happening, they will do things to cause hurt. Boy, we are messed up creatures aren't we, what was God thinking when he gave us free will, He has a lot of faith in us!