Swan: KmKrn - I typically tell others when they give me the "how can you ever trust him again" speech that I trust God and He is in charge of my husband.
Kmkrn: Bluesky - I have learned mostly that "the ONLY person I have control over is ME." I can't control my H or anyone else so, even if my H never returned, then I was OK with God (but I would not be seeking another spouse or a divorce).
Bluesky: Swan, good point, I wouldn't know what to talk about at this point. I have a lot of things regarding my daughter but that is her fight, I just seethe.
Cricket: Bluesky - You are right that the issues between your H & D are between them. IF you were to try to talk to him about those, she'd probably get upset and deny. As women, we tend to want to fix things and protect them but they really need to fight their own battles and know they can confide in us and have our shoulder.
Cricket: Swan - YES pride with my H too. My H reconnected immediately after he and OW#1 split. He didn't take time to deal with and completely end things with OW#1 so she kept inserting herself until he backed away a year later. At that time, this OW was able to access chat during a time they were working on the website. She took info I shared here & twisted it telling my H I was spreading lies about him. She had enough facts to be convincing and it hurt my H a great deal. I was never able to tell him the truth although I heard in time he learned she accessed chat. This added to the pride & walls.
Pualani: Ladies, my H was very proud too and would rarely apologize, even when he knew he was in the wrong. He once said he didn't need God in his life, he was perfectly capable of managing his life by himself. It will be interesting to see how THAT pans out...
dani3: Cricket - so sorry to hear this. I am sure it feels like she is being used.
Cricket: Dani - And sadly she has been used by her older sons. As she said, she was the one who protected her sons from their father but when he left, they clamored for his attention and turned on their mother. Her 30 yrs old definitely is using her, it was obvious to Swan and I but it's harder for a Mom. Also they have used her grandchildren against her, telling her they don't know her and then not letting her have contact.
Swan: Pualani - Your brother is hurting and he also is very aware of your situations and the pain it is causing you, his comment most likely wasn't meant as a shot at you as one at your husband and son's. It has to be frustrating for him to watch his nephews make promises and then do nothing. He has always been such a big supporter of you; I would imagine he didn't understand how his words may have sounded to you.
Pualani: Ladies, I understand what you're saying. In a way I don't think he targets just me, but my sister as well. He's forever telling her she needs to do this that or the other on her house, yet she is financially hard up the same as me and has health issues the same as me. His remarks triggered the feelings of unworthiness that I've had all my life from my father that nothing that I did was ever good enough, from my H that yes, I'd done this that or the other, but hadn't done a, b and c and now my brother just completely disheartening me. To tell you the truth last night I felt like jumping in my car, driving it fast and crashing it and then setting it on fire for good measure!
Hannah: Swan do you worry about it?
Swan: Hannah - I do, as does my daughter in law, but pushing would not be in our favor, because he would push back, so we pray. He paid for Christian school for my grandson for years with no objection, he attended events at the school, he has been to church a few times for special events involving my grandson, but that is about as far as it goes. However, for being someone who doesn't believe, he does know a lot about the Bible, Jesus, etc. He doesn't argue about it, but if someone tries to put his in a corner about it (his mother in law mostly), he can come back with complete accuracy and rebuke them.
HopinginHim1: Swan - So true. Sometimes prayer just get us started talking to the Lord and then things just move from there. I love your idea about the binder. It's a great tool and a great thing to grab when we don't have it on our own to pray.
Swan: HopinginHim - I often have questions for God and I will sit in a quiet place and ask them, sometimes I end up answering myself and other times the answer will come through reading the Bible, another person, etc. I figure God is using my own thoughts and other things as a tool to answer. And there are times, I don't hear anything for a long time, I keeps asking. As His Word says, Ask, seek and Keep asking.
Pualani: Swan, that is so true! I'm glad your son was the one to call his sister out on the issue. I guess I tried to overcompensate for his father's lack of love/interest as it hurt me so much to see him rejected and hurt and he knows which buttons to press now. I make sure I post stuff on FB that shows I'm fine and doing my own thing, even if he is hurting me, I don't show it.
Swan: Pualani - hurting people - hurt people! It is sad, but true when others are hurting they often tend to cause pain to those around them, it is as if they need others to hurt with them and if that isn't happening, they will do things to cause hurt. Boy, we are messed up creatures aren't we, what was God thinking when he gave us free will, He has a lot of faith in us!
Swan: HopinginHim - When I start feeling discouraged, I have to stop the pity party and remind myself of those in the Bible that went through trials and even when it looked impossible, God made it possible. I cannot complain about time, look at Joseph or Moses, I cannot complain about anything appearing dead, look at Lazarus, and so many examples
HopinginHim1: Swan - Exactly!!! He clearly says that His timing is not our timing. So we wait for Him to complete His perfect work. And in the meantime know that His promises for us. His complete perfect loving plan for US is being accomplished. That is what I need to focus on. His love for me in this and the hope that I can hopefully bring to others that are walking in trying circumstances as well.
Brin: Beth, I agree with you. Grieving over someone who is still alive is more difficult than when they die.
Swan: Beth - The rejection that comes with a broken marriage is far worse than if they had died, that is for sure. I think with death, there can be closure but when a marriage ends often the closure is just not offered. My husband began his adultery and all he would say was he changed his mind and didn't want to be married anymore. We communicated a little when we were getting the house ready to sell, but he would shut down if the conversation become personal, we could talk sports, etc. all day and he was good, but if it involved us, our children, grandson, family he would either change the topic or leave. I agree that is it harder when the reason they are not in our lives was abandonment, it hurts being thrown away and with some there is zero contact, I sometimes still find myself asking me and God what I did so bad to deserve being completely cut off and treated like I was an evil person. I wasn't perfect, I made mistakes, did things wrong, but I was no way as bad as others we all see in the news, gossip rags, etc. so why…
Pualani: Swan, ah I can see that now. S30 did tell me when he and his GF first moved back to the area, his GF made arrangements for them to meet up with my H. They went to see him during the day and he was drunk. In all my 30 plus years with my H he was NEVER drunk during the day, I was quite shocked when he told me that!
Swan: Pualani - My husband drank occasionally over the years, would go many years without drinking at all, in fact was in a non drinking period when he hooked up with the first other woman (old elementary school mate), then she sent him a bottle of wine so they could share a glass of wine together during their next phone communication. I did see the bottle in the recycle didn't say anything but also saw that it was from a little winery in Branson Missouri. Then I noticed he was buying his own wine, at first a bottle every few days, by the time I knew about the adultery and the second other woman was in the picture, the was going through one to two bottles a day, and yes if he didn't have to be at work, he was drunk by mid day. It allows them to close the blinds of their thoughts. Sadly one day they are going to sober up and not have a clue of all the things they have done and will be left wondering what the heck, how do they undo their actions and can they ever be forgiven. First they have to forgive themselves, and then maybe they will be able to accept forgiveness from others.