dani2: Swan, truly sad, you are correct. Just like you, I had no idea the inner struggle that my husband was dealing with. I am sure he figures he deserves the situation that he finds himself in.
Swan: dani - I recall one night actually telling my husband that if he wanted to play, I was game and that he needed to take into consideration that I could give a heck of a lot worse than I got. I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth, but there it was out and hanging in the air. I didn't see the hurting little boy inside him, only that he was hurting me and I wasn't going to just lay down and take it. I regretted those feelings and words; I did apologize once when God gave me the opportunity. My husband said he forgave me and said he knew he had hurt me and my words were from that.
Swan: Hannah - My Cali had traveled all over the country with us, she was actually my husband's cat, but the other woman doesn't like cats so when they moved in together, he asked me if I would keep the cat. He rescued her, she was available at a event the humane society had at a local mall. I still cannot believe he was willing to give up his cat, but she lived with me another six years before she passed. I remember when I first brought her to my son's house, she walked around meowing looking for my husband. She then took to our son, but he isn't a cat person, not a dog person either. But he would allow her to sit on his lap because he knew she was sad having been thrown away by my husband.
Hannah: Swan it is unbelievable what they will do to please ow. So sad. Sore topic for me too.
HopinginHim1: Swan - Oh no. I am so sorry that happened. I think I know exactly of whom you speak. Yes. There is no quick fix and no way to "control" the situation or manipulate this. It is clearly something these men will come through in their own time. And to me our faith would indicate that the Lord is the one we trust not our own "feelings".
Brin: Swan & HopinginHim, I too think that part of why people want to go to "how-to" sites is because they want a quick fix and are not willing to do the waiting for the Lord thing. It's certainly difficult to keep waiting past a few years.
Dogwood: Hi Swan: I remember asking him whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with me or not before I left to visit our son and I told him that his behavior hurts me very much. He said that he is going to stay in our marriage, and it will take time for him to stop going to his friends. He said that is the only way to relief his depression and he does not do anything in appropriate, so he feels justified to go. When I got really frustrated, he said if I wanted him to move out, he will do it but he hopes I will not regret. So, the conversation ended there.
Swan: Dogwood - Well from what he has told you in reference to that he is going to stay in your marriage, but he needs time, is kind of telling you were you stand. You are important enough to him that he isn't willing to walk away from his marriage with you and he is willing to stop going to his friends, but he doesn't know how to do that. Sadly depressed people don't see things clearly and often have the traits of an addict. They don't seem to just be able to rip off the bandage; they try to peel it off slowly thinking it will be less painful.
Bluesky: all, I came in to quote a comment I saw somewhere today. It was just so simple: Hardly any married man leaves his wife and family for someone better because someone better would never break up a family.
Swan: Bluesky - with both of my husband's other women I didn't feel he left us for something better, more he took a step down. The first one did some research on my husband before she contacted him, she knew a lot about him (including that he was married) when she did her "hey just want to catch up with old school mates) thing. And the second, what kind of woman is married yet trolling dating websites!! But then again my husband was married and trolling the same site, so...
Swan: Brin - It is amazing when I look back, my husband was an awesome and very brave, devoted Marine, wouldn't hesitate to charge forward and take care of whatever needed to be done. But when it came to the internal, the emotional, that he avoided at all costs.
Brin: Swan, Talking about dealing with one's issues - I think it's common for people in general to not want to deal with their issues. It's easier (though unwise) to deny the issues, even though it prolongs the pain. People don't want to do the hard work until they are forced to deal with it (e.g. when they hit rock-bottom though their circumstances).
Kmkrn: Swan - You are still the responsible one!
Swan: KmKrn - But I don't want to be anymore, not at work, not at home, not at anything! I seriously have to find how to slow my pace at work, I find myself taking on way too much, I just cannot seem to not jump in and get things that need to be done taken care of. There are a couple others that in my opinion are lazy, it isn't that they cannot do it, they just don't and even though I have tried to NOT take care of it, I just cannot leave things undone. I know me and I can snap into unpleasant in a hurry, that isn't a good thing for others or myself, so unfortunately one of my things to keep from snapping is to just do it myself. You wouldn't believe some of the conversations I have with myself and a few times I talk myself down and will try to ignore the needed task, but most often I just do it, I honesty get more peace if it is done than not.
buttons: swan yes, it sounds like he might have done that. I would love to stay up with H however really I need to be asleep by the time he gets home or very soon after
Swan: buttons - my husband asked our son once if I still turned into a pumpkin at 10pm, he then said that he wished the other woman would go to bed at 10pm and give him some quiet time to himself. Apparently she stays up until he is ready to go to bed (he has always been a night owl) and expects him to entertain her until they go to bed, my son said his dad told him that many nights he goes to bed and just lays there so he doesn't have to hear her yammering.
Dogwood: Swan, I am thinking that while I am still here at home, I need to break away from the mentality of always hope that H will be home for dinner, or hope to catch every moment to spend with him when he is around (daytime during weekend). I should plan trips or doing things without him. I have been asking him to do things with me too many times, but he always says he does not feel like to. I probably should stop expecting that anymore, although I really prefer going places with him, but I should plan things as if he is not here, right? getting used to be by myself.
Swan: Dogwood - It does help to become comfortable in our own skin. I am fortunate that being married to a career Marine who was often gone on deployments, I got used to being by myself frequently after our kids were grown. But keeping busy is key to through it. Wanting your husband to do things with you is normal, but yeah, for your own mental health keep expectations low. But don't keep his unwillingness to do things with you from doing things you want.
buttons: cricket although my H threw me the party and I really appreciated it I just am feeling like I really don't know where things stand and sometimes I truly feel like he is going to stay but other times I feel like he's just here because it's easier than doing anything else (kind of used but not totally as he talks about doing this or that around the house/to the house/repairs), just a mess in my brain
Cricket: Buttons- As far as your H, there really are some good signs and I'd try not to get into the what if's. He is home and there are really good signs. He may very well be struggling but all indications are that he is there for the long haul, he just needs to work through his own stuff. Treat him and look at it as he's all in, affirm him where you can specifically such as the party and the computer. Now it's really important that he feels appreciated for the good things. Remind yourself that you’re dealing with your own stuff and during this time there is a tendency to look at the glass as half empty so try to give your H the benefit of the doubt.
Swan: Bill - There is a part of me that worries that my son will follow his father's path to Midlife Crisis and with him nearing 40 I think that fear is becoming more real for me. He hasn't demonstrated any signs, but then my husband didn't really either, it was almost overnight that the change became noticeable with my husband. I know my son has commented that he lost a lot of respect for his father, but that doesn't mean he won't have his own crisis.
Bill: Swan: I hate to agree but wisdom says he is vulnerable. He is fortunate that you are praying for him. There is, of course, no guarantee that he will experience a MLC just because his father did but we know that spiritual influence travels from generation to generation.