Hannah: All I know the kind of woman that my h went off with was one that he despised during our married life - she went to bars, left her children home alone (she had thrown her husband out of the house).
Swan: Hannah - Mine too, the other woman with my husband is the type of woman my husband had very strong negative comments about and yet...
tos: two believers married, one leaves, what does the bible say about the other one? Divorce? Remain unmarried if they cannot reconcile? Try to reconcile then divorce if not able to. Stuff like that
Cricket: tos - We have several here where the spouse left and remarried and the left behind spouse has felt called to stand. We also have several here (over 20) who restored their marriages. Some here believe they are called to stand forever regardless of if their spouse married an OW. There are others who believe they are released when their spouse marries. Personally my pastor and even Jim Conway told me I was released from standing when my H married the OW. I didn't feel released and still felt called to stand and both told me I should do what I felt called to do. My H did divorce the OW 5 yrs later and reconnected with me. Others have done this and remarried.
Swan: KmKrn - Did your husband stay connected to the kids or did he disconnect from them for a time as well? We have a newer member and his question recently was about his teenage children and how to help them deal with their mother's choices. They all still live in the same house, which I guess makes it really hard on the kids. My children were already adults, so I didn't really have a response for him.
Kmkrn: Swan - My H moved out and tried to have a relationship with his children, but they wanted nothing to do with him. Teenagers are tough enough without adding MLC to the mix!
tos: So Swan, don't mean to put you on the spot, but any ideas for how to be a parent to them when the other wants to be a buddy?
Swan: tos - sometimes you just have to sit down with them and without saying anything unkind about their other parent, let them know that you love them but need to be their parent not their friend. It is your task to guide them and show them direction for their lives that will help them become honorable adults. You cannot make the other parent be a parent, all you can do is be the best parent you can and do it in love.
Swan: tos - As much as I would prefer not to admit my own short comings and would like to point that one finger at my husband without those other three pointing back at me, I have to be honest and admit that before God took out that 2x4 of His and starting working on me, I could be unkind myself, especially with my husband when expectations were not met. He has his own faults, but not all of our marriage issues belong to him, I played my part as well.
Dani: Swan, expectations are something I had to deal with too. I still have to remind myself that just because something is important to me, it does not mean it is important to him, and I can't put that on him. Seems like I did that a lot pre-MLC.
Dani: Dogwood, that is hard to wait for things to change. So, this is hard to do when you have just been hurt by his decision to leave tonight. Jim Conway encouraged me to stop focusing on the time my husband was away that was hurting me, and start focusing on making the time he was home better. In other words, make your husband realize he is missing something by being away....whatever that is. Going someplace fun, cooking or eating something fantastic, watching the game with your own group of friends with out-of-this-world food. I remember the “Men In Midlife Crisis” book by Jim Conway said "...it is not fair, but we are in a competition with the other woman "so can you make your "game night" better than the one he is going to?”
Swan: Bluebird - I understand, I am open to what God has for me. I don't understand many things about my husband, he is in a relationship with a woman he calls ugly names as a joke, he tells everyone that he is miserable every second of every day, he always hated traveling yet has taken a position at his job that keeps him traveling constantly and has said it is so he doesn't have to be with her. He had no trouble divorcing me when he first became unhappy with our marriage, yet he stays in a marriage with someone he says he is miserable with, that he hates, etc. Just don't get it, but also when I hear these things it shows me that he is still in the middle of the insanity and given the peace I have, I want no part of his insanity.
Bluebird: Swan, I am glad you are staying away while he is in this state. I have thought the same as well, that if he is so unhappy then OW can be the one to witness all the insanity. I am just at peace finally as well. Like you I don't understand! I think the biggest part of my growth and healing came from stopping to try to figure his MLC out. I finally put the focus on myself for awhile and beautiful things are happening I don't mind being alone, there is so much I like about it! No more snoring! LOL LOL. On a serious note, I still would like to be loved as I am by my spouse.
Bluebird: Swan- Hmmm, each one is so different, although the main script seems the same. Mine told me he takes 90 % of responsibility for everything wrong in our marriage. He still says he loves God and still believes Christ died for him. When he first left, he would compare himself to David. A man that sinned greatly; a man after God's own heart. But he doesn't actually do anything about it.
Swan: Bluebird - my husband was going to church for awhile with the other woman, she calls herself an extremely godly woman and even tells people that God brought her and my husband together. She was married to her second husband when they hooked up.
Bluebird: Swan, I guess what parts of relationship things are 'safe' to talk about. Or what emotions such as how we feel? We mostly have just been sharing things going on in our lives and a little of our old 'us' feelings. I let him lead with what he wants to talk about.
Swan: Bluebird - men speak in very few words, women on the other hand can actually use three times as many words to say the same thing, and it is just part of the differences between men and women. Listen more than speak, look for those signals of what he might be comfortable talking about. If he brings up relationship, keep you words less and try to not use emotional or guilt motive comments. He might be able to deal with the deeper topics and issues at some point, but go slow at first. It is kind of like finding feral cat in your yard, at first even though they are starving, they will not eat food you put out until they are very sure you are not too close to them. After several slow actions, they might allow you to be in the area, but still not too close, it will take a long time of you being slow and they can begin to trust you and one, they might even allow you to pet them. They are mostly motivated by fear in the beginning, but once they start to trust you they open more to contact with you.
Cricket: Bluebird - It may be that they never argue because there is no real connection, no emotions involved. Five years is a common timeline for mlc men to work through the tunnel. There are many here who restored at about 5-6 years so this time frame is very natural. I know it's frightening, but I'd take it one day at a time, begin on rebuilding your friendship first.
Bluebird: It seems like he has been 'watching' social media. My daughter posts our activities. He says he is bored and OW doesn't like to do anything. I have changed a lot, and I know it. I think he sees it as well. Yes, I will try complimenting, etc. I just wasn't sure how to approach the situation! It seems so odd after so long a time.
Cricket: buttons - I have a good friend who complains about her H doing all these little things for her. I really think he's very considerate but she feels smothered by them. However, the other day we met for golf and she commented that that morning her H hadn't gotten her golf things all together for her and hadn't put things in her bag for her. I had to bite my tongue as it hadn't been long ago that she complained about her H smothering with putting things in her bag for her, straightening her clubs, etc.
Dani: Cricket, that's funny. We are complicated aren't we?! I think it is most difficult for me when I get tired. Buttons, it sounds like you might be in the same boat. When the work becomes tiring and we don't take the time to plan something fun, it can get discouraging. We have been dealing with that as well, just because it is a busy time of year for us. The later it gets, the more I find myself thinking "why am I the only one doing this?"