Cricket: Swan - I can completely imagine how much that meant to her and I know there are many times that you have blessed them, not to mention that your grandson & you share a bond that gives him someone other than a parent he can confide in and respects advice from. That is huge!
Swan: Cricket - with both of his grandfather's having had midlife issues, I really don't want him to go through it and feel it is better for him to be able to talk to someone rather than bottle things up and he also knows that if I think his parents need to know they will be told, he gets the first opportunity but they will find out.
Swan: Cricket - Retirement is hard for police, fire and military, it is like they have such a hard time finding the off switch. Even while our military was in "at peace" status, they spend so much time training, organized and being on the ready that when it is all done, they cannot just relax, they continue to live in prep mode. This explains why so many go into second careers of equal stress, become substance abusers, chase happiness but never finding it or going completely off the grid. My husband and I also planned to travel; our target age was 55 years old, no work just going when and where we wanted. He is still working, he did buy a motor home, but it gets borrowed by others or just sits, my son was saying he cannot believe his dad hasn't sold it yet, it cost him a small fortune to replace a lot of the wiring because it has sat for so long that the critters had taken up home in the engine and chewed so much stuff up.
Cricket: Swan - Yes, I was going to say that it's also very hard for fire & military. These careers become so much of whom you are and such purpose. Transition to retirement is very hard. Many really struggle with it, even to point of suicide, reason it's so important to have a plan, purpose, etc.
tos: Thanks, Swan. Yes, it's tough to stay on the high road, but it honors God and He will honor us for it. Stalking-that's scary stuff.
Swan: tos - apparently my husband refused to talk about me with her even though she talked about her husband (both the 1st and 2nd) constantly, I guess she was curious. When she showed up down here, my husband put her up in the base hotel just a few blocks from my work office (he had no idea she knew where I worked) and from what I understand she was yakking at the hotel while he was at work and like to use his last name when talking about them, one of the housekeeping staff asked if they were related to me since our last names were the same and it isn't a common last name. Without understanding the information she was giving to the other woman, she told her I worked down the street and the other woman used that to get a look at me, she tried to get information, but my staff wasn't talking and immediately told me about the woman who had been asking about me, I called my husband and gave a description of the woman, he admitted it sounded like her and he would take care of it. They moved out of the base hotel that night, went someplace else, I never tried to find out where, I never wanted to come face to face with her, I have no interest in her at all.
Bluesky: Swan, whoa, you recognized it all. Do you feel like you are a magnet for this stuff? How hard to stay silent on that one.
Swan: Bluesky - I don't know that I am a magnet for it, but that because of my own experience I see it more. Being around Marine's so many years I can usually tell when I can say something and when it is better to keep my mouth shut, especially in situations that I would get in trouble for speaking out. I have heard from my kids, mutual friends and even my husband has said that he is miserable, when I see things like this it makes me wonder what kind of fights my husband and the other woman are having.
Swan: Finding Nemo - the first other woman my husband was with threatened to harm herself if he didn't file for divorce because his not doing it quickly meant that he didn't really love her and since she had already given up so much to be with him, she couldn't live if he didn't love her. It didn't get her a filed divorce quickly but it did get her a diamond ring and a sudden visit from my husband.
Finding Nemo: Swan - I chuckle reading that as it was I who has the new jewelry. He has bought me a chain with three green pendants. Not sure what you call them. One is our daughters' birth month, the other two are his and mine birth month as we share birthdays just days apart.
buttons: Ladies I am chatting with Kitty and she's asking me if anyone in the group has been divorced but still ended up with the husband living with them, as you might remember she and her H were in the house but not in a room together, she filed for divorce to help protect herself and daughter financially as she learned he'd gotten some settlement money and such and they were struggling
Cricket: Buttons - Yes, I believe we had a couple who divorced but stayed living together. In the case I'm thinking of, they remarried. There are people I know that did that here in my community for financial reasons and have a good relationship.
tos: Yes thanks. W has gone to the church leadership to tell them how "bad" I am. I'm trusting God to be my defender and am trying to stand strong when the verbal "fire hose" is turned on me. I realize I cannot follow the logic because there is none to follow. It's just emotions overwhelming her
Cricket: Tos - EXACTLY, there is no logic. A mlcr who returned home to restore his marriage explained that he felt like he was cornered in a cage being poked and prodded and wanting to jump out of his skin. He admitted that he lived in turmoil and in defense, he lashed out blaming others. As I shared, when I once asked my H if he still loved me (early on), he broke down sobbing and said that was the problem, he didn't know.
Cricket: Swan - Yes, that's what I meant about my H. With the anger that my H developed after he left and the OW's violent personality, I am glad that something more serious didn't happen. He admitted to his best friend that things got out of control with the OW. So much so, he agreed to call his best friend when it got bad and the friend agreed to come there to intervene.
Swan: Cricket - the other woman has commented to friends that if I really loved my husband, children and grandson I would go away and leave them to be a family. Seriously this woman is a mother of three and has a couple grandchildren and she thinks that I should be the one to just go away. She is the one who is interjecting her presence into our family. Just goes to show the irrational thinking of the other woman and MLCer.
tos: I don't. Unfortunately, she hasn't played by the same rules. I am counting on the fact that they will see the truth and understand I will not criticize her.
Cricket: Tos - Yes, they try to justify their actions but trust me, your kids will respect and love you even more for not lowering yourself to that level. I know firsthand as my father was horrible to my mother but my mother would never say anything negative. I even said I wished she married someone else and she said "No, I wouldn't have had you." I said you'd have had kids and she said but they wouldn't have been you. Decades later I asked her why she never said anything negative and she said my Dad was part of me and I was part of him and she would never say negative. My dad was abusive and horrible but my Mom's actions made me respect her even more.
Bluesky: Cricket, I can't see if there is any misery or turmoil in my h's R. I think if I knew it would make me feel better.
Cricket: Bluesky - I didn't know about the issues he had with OW#1 until they split and he reconnected with me. I heard a little as his best friend is also a close friend of mine. The friend was trying to plant seeds of reason with my H with OW#1. When they split and he later got together with OW#2, the friend has avoided sharing any info. Still there are signs that things are not ideal at all.
Swan: Pualani - That makes sense that he is so angry, I can understand, heck maybe I would be too if in his situation, he is getting the raw end of the deal. I am guessing that he hasn't said anything about your comments because he doesn't know how to say it. He is feeling embittered right now, not actually at you, but you got the sting of some of his emotions. He may not know how to say he is sorry or deal with the fact that he caused hurt, he doesn't want to be hurt, he doesn't want to cause hurt, but hurt is a consuming aspect of his life right now and I would bet is overwhelming in him so many ways.
Pualani: Swan, I agree he is hurting as he mentioned how much he HATES his W, my H's OW and how much he's missing his elder daughter whose birthday it was last weekend. Sadly he's generalizing about women and lumping them all together saying they're all a waste of space, the same as my F used to say in fact. He used to tell my Mum, that every breath she took she owed to HIM! He always said that women are second class citizens and sometimes my B voices that in his own way.