Swan: tos - As much as I would prefer not to admit my own short comings and would like to point that one finger at my husband without those other three pointing back at me, I have to be honest and admit that before God took out that 2x4 of His and starting working on me, I could be unkind myself, especially with my husband when expectations were not met. He has his own faults, but not all of our marriage issues belong to him, I played my part as well.
Dani: Swan, expectations are something I had to deal with too. I still have to remind myself that just because something is important to me, it does not mean it is important to him, and I can't put that on him. Seems like I did that a lot pre-MLC.
Dani: Dogwood, that is hard to wait for things to change. So, this is hard to do when you have just been hurt by his decision to leave tonight. Jim Conway encouraged me to stop focusing on the time my husband was away that was hurting me, and start focusing on making the time he was home better. In other words, make your husband realize he is missing something by being away....whatever that is. Going someplace fun, cooking or eating something fantastic, watching the game with your own group of friends with out-of-this-world food. I remember the “Men In Midlife Crisis” book by Jim Conway said "...it is not fair, but we are in a competition with the other woman "so can you make your "game night" better than the one he is going to?”
Swan: Bluebird - I understand, I am open to what God has for me. I don't understand many things about my husband, he is in a relationship with a woman he calls ugly names as a joke, he tells everyone that he is miserable every second of every day, he always hated traveling yet has taken a position at his job that keeps him traveling constantly and has said it is so he doesn't have to be with her. He had no trouble divorcing me when he first became unhappy with our marriage, yet he stays in a marriage with someone he says he is miserable with, that he hates, etc. Just don't get it, but also when I hear these things it shows me that he is still in the middle of the insanity and given the peace I have, I want no part of his insanity.
Bluebird: Swan, I am glad you are staying away while he is in this state. I have thought the same as well, that if he is so unhappy then OW can be the one to witness all the insanity. I am just at peace finally as well. Like you I don't understand! I think the biggest part of my growth and healing came from stopping to try to figure his MLC out. I finally put the focus on myself for awhile and beautiful things are happening I don't mind being alone, there is so much I like about it! No more snoring! LOL LOL. On a serious note, I still would like to be loved as I am by my spouse.
Bluebird: Swan- Hmmm, each one is so different, although the main script seems the same. Mine told me he takes 90 % of responsibility for everything wrong in our marriage. He still says he loves God and still believes Christ died for him. When he first left, he would compare himself to David. A man that sinned greatly; a man after God's own heart. But he doesn't actually do anything about it.
Swan: Bluebird - my husband was going to church for awhile with the other woman, she calls herself an extremely godly woman and even tells people that God brought her and my husband together. She was married to her second husband when they hooked up.
Bluebird: Swan, I guess what parts of relationship things are 'safe' to talk about. Or what emotions such as how we feel? We mostly have just been sharing things going on in our lives and a little of our old 'us' feelings. I let him lead with what he wants to talk about.
Swan: Bluebird - men speak in very few words, women on the other hand can actually use three times as many words to say the same thing, and it is just part of the differences between men and women. Listen more than speak, look for those signals of what he might be comfortable talking about. If he brings up relationship, keep you words less and try to not use emotional or guilt motive comments. He might be able to deal with the deeper topics and issues at some point, but go slow at first. It is kind of like finding feral cat in your yard, at first even though they are starving, they will not eat food you put out until they are very sure you are not too close to them. After several slow actions, they might allow you to be in the area, but still not too close, it will take a long time of you being slow and they can begin to trust you and one, they might even allow you to pet them. They are mostly motivated by fear in the beginning, but once they start to trust you they open more to contact with you.
Cricket: Bluebird - It may be that they never argue because there is no real connection, no emotions involved. Five years is a common timeline for mlc men to work through the tunnel. There are many here who restored at about 5-6 years so this time frame is very natural. I know it's frightening, but I'd take it one day at a time, begin on rebuilding your friendship first.
Bluebird: It seems like he has been 'watching' social media. My daughter posts our activities. He says he is bored and OW doesn't like to do anything. I have changed a lot, and I know it. I think he sees it as well. Yes, I will try complimenting, etc. I just wasn't sure how to approach the situation! It seems so odd after so long a time.
Cricket: buttons - I have a good friend who complains about her H doing all these little things for her. I really think he's very considerate but she feels smothered by them. However, the other day we met for golf and she commented that that morning her H hadn't gotten her golf things all together for her and hadn't put things in her bag for her. I had to bite my tongue as it hadn't been long ago that she complained about her H smothering with putting things in her bag for her, straightening her clubs, etc.
Dani: Cricket, that's funny. We are complicated aren't we?! I think it is most difficult for me when I get tired. Buttons, it sounds like you might be in the same boat. When the work becomes tiring and we don't take the time to plan something fun, it can get discouraging. We have been dealing with that as well, just because it is a busy time of year for us. The later it gets, the more I find myself thinking "why am I the only one doing this?"
Beth: Bluesky I have often wondered if my H was happy or now. Did he ever think about coming home. Things do go through your mind.
Bluesky: Beth, I am sure that is difficult to deal with. I pray someday you will have your answers.
Swan: buttons - I spent 28 years of marriage and never snooped in any of his stuff and that was when he was active duty and his job often required him to just not come home and he couldn't tell me where he would be or what he was doing. If he would be gone more than 48 hours I would get a phone call and told who my point of contact would be. After a few years we picked a message and I would call his assistant, who I would ask the question and he would give me the selected answer, it didn't give me details but let me know that he was away on a mission. Sometimes the upper command was lack on calling me with my point of contact information. I always felt it was because they considered me a self provider and knew if I needed anything I couldn't handle I would either call the platoon or commander.
buttons: swan I too never snooped and even in the chaos I have only done it a few times and I hated that I did
buttons: ladies we are at 10 or 11 days until he returns and this always seems to be the time were we have even less contact
Kmkrn: buttons - That's when you have more contact with Jesus to hold onto for now until he returns.
Beth: Hopinginhim sometimes I think if my H had been abusive in any way never gave me money, never had relationship with the children, plain mean I would not fund it so hard. Yesterday I was terrible. I cried and prayed so much I did not know what to do.
HopinginHim1: Beth - I am so sorry. I wish I could take your pain away. Remember that the Lord is aware of every tear and even though we cannot always know or understand why, this is all for a purpose to draw us closer to Him. Lean in to Him and let Him begin to soothe your tender heart. Know I am praying.