Swan: Brin - we were married for 28 years, speaking to me personally was the least he could do. I know he didn't want to deal with the heartbreak it was going to cause and I also know the other woman was behind a lot of it, but he was going to show me respect. God had already instructed me not to fight, but God did not tell me to allow my husband to disrespect me in that manner.
Brin: Swan - that's cool that he invited you to dinner and talked in person.
Swan: HopinginHim - something a wonderful lady told me once was to try to find at least one positive in all situations, when I did, I often was able to focus more on that positive, even when it was only a single and small one and the circling negative wasn't able to beat me down as often.
HopinginHim1: Swan - I think that is great advice!!! I will try that too! When you force your mind to look for the positive often you remember things you had overlooked. I am very thankful my son made it into the program and he had been struggling not that long before. His struggle periods are less long and less deep than before and that is something to be thankful about as well. I am also thankful that H is clearly trying to make amends with the children. That is a big positive. And I am also thankful that he still continues to stop over most nights even if for an hour or so to chat with me. That is also a positive. What else is going on in his life is conjecture on my part. And I learned from the family program that one negative cognitive thinking pattern is "deciding" on a belief that is not known. Assuming things to be true that we cannot know.
Swan: Cricket - I don't care what some say about addiction not being transferred to generations, it is. When my son was in rehab, the counselor that lead the youth often said that parents really needed to stop blaming the children for their attraction to addictive substances and take a long hard look at their families, they will find others with the same issues. Once most did, they seemed to fall into a better understanding and were much less angry at their children. That type of anger only makes the child want to escape more and that is a lot of what drug abuse is about, escape.
Cricket: Swan - Yes, we know that addiction tendencies are genetic and during the course of adoption, this should have been discussed. The daughter who became a Marine is doing pretty well now however she had a pattern of picking the wrong guys one after another. Not only the father of her children who never stayed in the picture but after leaving the Marines, she met two different guys through her church who were both terrible. Both of them had criminal histories and probably used the church to meet trusting young women. Her family finally got her out of the recent dangerous situation and moved her to Florida (from CA) to live with her sister who recently became a police officer.
buttons: swan it breaks my heart that his step-mom said HE lost them. SHE saw them on the railing upstairs that night and by morning they were gone. He's SIX and should not have to be fully responsible for them yet he's learning
Kmkrn: buttons - yes, a 6 year old should not have that much responsibility yet.
Swan: All - As a kid, I took care of my siblings, sometimes my mother and step father, then I became a Marine and took care of myself, during my marriage I cared for two kids and did what needed to be done as a Marine wife which usually meant being the one that took care of the family so my husband could take care of being a Marine. And as my husband started diving into the MLC tunnels, my kids were grown up and I didn't have much left to take care of other than for myself. I actually am doing better at it living with my son, daughter in law and grandson, it has gotten easier to allow others to help me and not take everything on myself.
Beth: Swan I am the oldest in the family and everybody came to me when they needed help or advice. When my father was in the hospital I used to be the one talking to the Dr not my mother. It was always me who went to St John’s in my car to see him or take him for appts. The same thing happened when my mother took sick. Again when my youngest brother took sick with brain tumor. Then one sister was badly depressed and had three major surgeries on her bowels. Everybody used to step back and let me do it all.
Swan: Cricket - But whom else was going to take the responsibility! My stepfather was a drunk, my mother lived on mothers little helpers and someone had to make sure my siblings ate, went to school, that we had clean clothes, etc. I went from that to the Marine Corps (control environment) and from that to being married to a Marine, he was busy with his military duties and someone had to take charge of the house and then of course having been a Marine, I was able to step in and take care of many things for him to free him to do more important things. The typical stuff that makes MLC dominate so many. Sadly, my husband never really had to be responsible and when MLC hit him that played right into his mindset and made him believe it was appropriate to behave as he did/does.
Cricket: Swan - In my case, my mother needed my help and my father was having an affair with the woman I babysat for. He ended up murdering his own mother when she threatened to disown him and throw him off the ranch. My Mom always felt bad that she thought she robbed me of my childhood but I told her theses things made me stronger and led to a career I loved much like your Marine career.
Swan: KmKrn - that is me too, plus things I shouldn't have said! I often have to remind myself to zip my lips and just not say what is going through my mind. I spent so many years being muffled and not allowed to have an opinion, then my time in the military taught me to stand up for myself and speak my mind. I have to say a combination of both were not good for my relationship with my husband and probably caused him a huge amount of confusion. As I am older, I am working more on discerning what comes out of my mouth, sometimes I slip, but am much better.
Kmkrn: Swan - Yes that is a "habit" to be learned and practiced--zipping the lips! I can say whatever I want in my head--just don't let it come out of my mouth!
HopinginHim1: Cricket - I truly hope that to be the case. I know, at times, the fact that 5 years has passed (6 since he started some "flirting" with the OW), I get discouraged. I never thought it would take this long. But then, I try to focus on the blessings in my life - time with friends, new interests, etc and find the good in the current. I do believe one day he will make his way home.
Cricket: HopinginHim - Jim always warned us not to lock into the 5 yr period. I also feel that is true with personalities like your H and mine. They have to find their own way and their stubbornness adds to their journey. You are so right in focusing on the blessings. Also, it would probably be more difficult for you to have this time with your Mom if your H were home now and you were trying to work on restoration
HopinginHim1: All - Can anyone speak to the incredible back and forth that goes on with our spouses? It has been 5 years since H left. He is making progress but at times I see bits of replay and other behavior that makes me want to scream. And yet, he is reaching out more to our children and also spending more time with me. We even took a family holiday all together for a week in Florida in February. It can be crazy making!!
Kmkrn: HopinginHim - The road home is loaded with detours and potholes. There is lots of backtracking and back and forth. Fasten your seat belt as Sally Conway would say--it's a heck of a ride!
Swan: I have the news on and gas prices are going up again! Every time my budget takes a hit, I find myself a little resentful to my husband. We had worked and saved, I worked two jobs at some points so he could go to school to include full time for a couple years on the degree completion program. He had his military pay and school was his duty station, but we had to pay for his classes and they were not cheap and books, oh my gosh. All of this was done and we would always say it was for our future, well he retired, got that big paying job and then decided "we" didn't have a future anymore. God had provided for me in many ways, not to the level "we" planned for and I don't really see the reaping part of what I sowed, but I know God has a plan and I shouldn't let it get to me, but the enemy whispers to me and worry sets in.
Hannah: Swan I can relate. I feel resentful with mine right now and he was at my grandson's birthday last week and I couldn't bring myself to speak to him. My mum is failing to the point where she says my dad visits her (he died in 2000) and I wish I could be with her but nobody knows how long she has, it could be weeks, it could be months, but I need my job to live, can't ever think of retiring because my income with retirement is not enough to live on. If we were still together I wouldn't have to work and could spend those last weeks with my mum but now I will just go over for the funeral. I saw her last September and will go again this September if she lasts that long. Swan I know just how you feel.
Swan: Cricket - that is hard, I remember when my husband first moved in with the other woman and she had access to his computer. For whatever reason (most likely just didn't think of it) my husband didn't scrub the hard drive and there was all kinds of information on the computer with my name all over it, to include my email address and guess who just had to email me? I emailed her back and let her know that I had cc'd my husband and requested that she not contact me ever again, we had nothing to discuss and I didn't want to know anything about her or hear whatever she had to say. My husband thankfully jumped in, apologized to me and informed her to never to anything like that again. I changed my email addresses and for a time wouldn't give it to him, told him anything he needed to let me know he could send it to one of the kids and they would forward it.
Cricket: Swan - Yes I remember that happened. My H's OW worked upstairs from me (as you know) and found so many ways to keep in my face. I was always shocked that my H didn't see that she was doing that to mess with me. Our co-workers all saw it and couldn't understand why I didn't get in her face and tell her off. I knew she was trying to cause me to do something she could use against me and had decided not to lower myself to her level. When my H reconnected, he was surprised to hear the things she'd done. Even then though, he said he thought she was trying to make peace since we all worked together. Men can be so clueless to the games and manipulation some OW pull.