Bluesky: Dogwood, agreed. Yes, knowing the spouse has another relationship is hard. My h, like Swan's is married to the other W. But I don't pay any attention to her.
Swan: Bluesky - Fortunately for me I don't have to deal with the other woman, they live up in central California. I don't really ask our children or mutual friends about my husband, but from time to time hear about him and it is always that he is miserable, even my husband a few years back told me that he is miserable every moment of every day. Yet he stays in his misery that is on him!
Cricket: Beth - I know with things I have had to take care of, timing can be different, especially when there are holidays involved. In the USA, we had Thanksgiving Weekend and Veterans Day holiday that tend to slow things down. Regardless, it's important to step back and let your D and your son work this out. If you get involved, the OW will use that against you claiming its greed, etc. The more you step back and keep hands off, the more opportunity your D will have to see the truth. Keep the focus off you and in time your daughter will see for herself.
Beth: Cricket I am not interfering. Son contacted HopinginHim and she told him what to do. Some of it she says there is nothing he can do. Ow name is not in the money so why should she have to call? We were just wondering what is going on or if D knows something and not saying. But I believe she does not know anything either. Son needs somebody to talk to so he was talking to me. This is first time in while we even talked. We only talked now because ow has to contact the other place and we can’t understand why she has to contact them.
Swan: KmKrn - Well, you understand how the guilt affects them, plus the other woman has a no contact rule in regards to me and she is aware that I live with my son's family, so when my husband calls, she has to be present and he has to have his phone so that she can hear their conversation to make sure there is zero contact with me. Ironically, he has never asked to speak to me even before she found out and he knew I was here.
buttons: swan it is amazing the control these OP can have paranoia
Kmkrn: Swan - My H was my first BF and my last, but there were lots in between! We dated for a year, and then just drifted apart. Got back together 7 years later and the rest is history!
Swan: KmKrn - my husband was my first real boyfriend, I dated a few guys in high school, but just didn't connect with them, ended up being friends with all of them, that seemed to work better for us. But there was something about my husband, once we met; it was honestly love at first sight, so to say.
Beth: Swan they do some weird things. My grandsons called ow Nannie and her name. It made me almost sick to the stomach. They were never married so I did not agree with it. Now their grandfather is gone they do not ask about her.
Swan: Beth - my kids and grandson call her by her name, she didn't like it at first, but has had to accept it, my husband will not support her demand to be called mom or grandma and he refused to allow her granddaughter to call him grandpa.
dani2: Swan, truly sad, you are correct. Just like you, I had no idea the inner struggle that my husband was dealing with. I am sure he figures he deserves the situation that he finds himself in.
Swan: dani - I recall one night actually telling my husband that if he wanted to play, I was game and that he needed to take into consideration that I could give a heck of a lot worse than I got. I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth, but there it was out and hanging in the air. I didn't see the hurting little boy inside him, only that he was hurting me and I wasn't going to just lay down and take it. I regretted those feelings and words; I did apologize once when God gave me the opportunity. My husband said he forgave me and said he knew he had hurt me and my words were from that.
Swan: Hannah - My Cali had traveled all over the country with us, she was actually my husband's cat, but the other woman doesn't like cats so when they moved in together, he asked me if I would keep the cat. He rescued her, she was available at a event the humane society had at a local mall. I still cannot believe he was willing to give up his cat, but she lived with me another six years before she passed. I remember when I first brought her to my son's house, she walked around meowing looking for my husband. She then took to our son, but he isn't a cat person, not a dog person either. But he would allow her to sit on his lap because he knew she was sad having been thrown away by my husband.
Hannah: Swan it is unbelievable what they will do to please ow. So sad. Sore topic for me too.
HopinginHim1: Swan - Oh no. I am so sorry that happened. I think I know exactly of whom you speak. Yes. There is no quick fix and no way to "control" the situation or manipulate this. It is clearly something these men will come through in their own time. And to me our faith would indicate that the Lord is the one we trust not our own "feelings".
Brin: Swan & HopinginHim, I too think that part of why people want to go to "how-to" sites is because they want a quick fix and are not willing to do the waiting for the Lord thing. It's certainly difficult to keep waiting past a few years.
Dogwood: Hi Swan: I remember asking him whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with me or not before I left to visit our son and I told him that his behavior hurts me very much. He said that he is going to stay in our marriage, and it will take time for him to stop going to his friends. He said that is the only way to relief his depression and he does not do anything in appropriate, so he feels justified to go. When I got really frustrated, he said if I wanted him to move out, he will do it but he hopes I will not regret. So, the conversation ended there.
Swan: Dogwood - Well from what he has told you in reference to that he is going to stay in your marriage, but he needs time, is kind of telling you were you stand. You are important enough to him that he isn't willing to walk away from his marriage with you and he is willing to stop going to his friends, but he doesn't know how to do that. Sadly depressed people don't see things clearly and often have the traits of an addict. They don't seem to just be able to rip off the bandage; they try to peel it off slowly thinking it will be less painful.
Bluesky: all, I came in to quote a comment I saw somewhere today. It was just so simple: Hardly any married man leaves his wife and family for someone better because someone better would never break up a family.
Swan: Bluesky - with both of my husband's other women I didn't feel he left us for something better, more he took a step down. The first one did some research on my husband before she contacted him, she knew a lot about him (including that he was married) when she did her "hey just want to catch up with old school mates) thing. And the second, what kind of woman is married yet trolling dating websites!! But then again my husband was married and trolling the same site, so...
Swan: Brin - It is amazing when I look back, my husband was an awesome and very brave, devoted Marine, wouldn't hesitate to charge forward and take care of whatever needed to be done. But when it came to the internal, the emotional, that he avoided at all costs.
Brin: Swan, Talking about dealing with one's issues - I think it's common for people in general to not want to deal with their issues. It's easier (though unwise) to deny the issues, even though it prolongs the pain. People don't want to do the hard work until they are forced to deal with it (e.g. when they hit rock-bottom though their circumstances).