Brin: Swan, amazing that the OW is feeling so insecure especially when they have been on the verge of divorcing a number of times. Nice that your H is being protective of you. But I do hope he is able to accept the job offer!
Swan: Brin - I look at it this way, she may be making the demands, but his is accepting them and following, that is on him and him alone. I agree it was nice that he even considered how it might affect me, but there are times when he has commented to others "with all he did to me" or sometime similar. The job is down closer to San Diego, I don't go down there, and have no reason to, so I don't see any problems, but the other woman does so...
Little Magpie: we are still going to couples counseling a couple times a month. But our counselor sees us churning the same things over and over again
Swan: Little Magpie - The next time your counselor says you are churning, ask them how to stop that from being the case, because those same feeling are still there and you need their guidance to away from them. If they are still an issue for both of you, they are still an issue that hasn't been resolved or apparently addressed adequately and you need a third party to guide you through them so you can finally put them to rest. Don't allow the counselor to put it all on you guys, request guidance from them to move forward. Just my thought!
Swan: Brin - we were married for 28 years, speaking to me personally was the least he could do. I know he didn't want to deal with the heartbreak it was going to cause and I also know the other woman was behind a lot of it, but he was going to show me respect. God had already instructed me not to fight, but God did not tell me to allow my husband to disrespect me in that manner.
Brin: Swan - that's cool that he invited you to dinner and talked in person.
Swan: HopinginHim - something a wonderful lady told me once was to try to find at least one positive in all situations, when I did, I often was able to focus more on that positive, even when it was only a single and small one and the circling negative wasn't able to beat me down as often.
HopinginHim1: Swan - I think that is great advice!!! I will try that too! When you force your mind to look for the positive often you remember things you had overlooked. I am very thankful my son made it into the program and he had been struggling not that long before. His struggle periods are less long and less deep than before and that is something to be thankful about as well. I am also thankful that H is clearly trying to make amends with the children. That is a big positive. And I am also thankful that he still continues to stop over most nights even if for an hour or so to chat with me. That is also a positive. What else is going on in his life is conjecture on my part. And I learned from the family program that one negative cognitive thinking pattern is "deciding" on a belief that is not known. Assuming things to be true that we cannot know.
Swan: Cricket - I don't care what some say about addiction not being transferred to generations, it is. When my son was in rehab, the counselor that lead the youth often said that parents really needed to stop blaming the children for their attraction to addictive substances and take a long hard look at their families, they will find others with the same issues. Once most did, they seemed to fall into a better understanding and were much less angry at their children. That type of anger only makes the child want to escape more and that is a lot of what drug abuse is about, escape.
Cricket: Swan - Yes, we know that addiction tendencies are genetic and during the course of adoption, this should have been discussed. The daughter who became a Marine is doing pretty well now however she had a pattern of picking the wrong guys one after another. Not only the father of her children who never stayed in the picture but after leaving the Marines, she met two different guys through her church who were both terrible. Both of them had criminal histories and probably used the church to meet trusting young women. Her family finally got her out of the recent dangerous situation and moved her to Florida (from CA) to live with her sister who recently became a police officer.
buttons: swan it breaks my heart that his step-mom said HE lost them. SHE saw them on the railing upstairs that night and by morning they were gone. He's SIX and should not have to be fully responsible for them yet he's learning
Kmkrn: buttons - yes, a 6 year old should not have that much responsibility yet.
Swan: All - As a kid, I took care of my siblings, sometimes my mother and step father, then I became a Marine and took care of myself, during my marriage I cared for two kids and did what needed to be done as a Marine wife which usually meant being the one that took care of the family so my husband could take care of being a Marine. And as my husband started diving into the MLC tunnels, my kids were grown up and I didn't have much left to take care of other than for myself. I actually am doing better at it living with my son, daughter in law and grandson, it has gotten easier to allow others to help me and not take everything on myself.
Beth: Swan I am the oldest in the family and everybody came to me when they needed help or advice. When my father was in the hospital I used to be the one talking to the Dr not my mother. It was always me who went to St John’s in my car to see him or take him for appts. The same thing happened when my mother took sick. Again when my youngest brother took sick with brain tumor. Then one sister was badly depressed and had three major surgeries on her bowels. Everybody used to step back and let me do it all.
Swan: Cricket - But whom else was going to take the responsibility! My stepfather was a drunk, my mother lived on mothers little helpers and someone had to make sure my siblings ate, went to school, that we had clean clothes, etc. I went from that to the Marine Corps (control environment) and from that to being married to a Marine, he was busy with his military duties and someone had to take charge of the house and then of course having been a Marine, I was able to step in and take care of many things for him to free him to do more important things. The typical stuff that makes MLC dominate so many. Sadly, my husband never really had to be responsible and when MLC hit him that played right into his mindset and made him believe it was appropriate to behave as he did/does.
Cricket: Swan - In my case, my mother needed my help and my father was having an affair with the woman I babysat for. He ended up murdering his own mother when she threatened to disown him and throw him off the ranch. My Mom always felt bad that she thought she robbed me of my childhood but I told her theses things made me stronger and led to a career I loved much like your Marine career.
Swan: KmKrn - that is me too, plus things I shouldn't have said! I often have to remind myself to zip my lips and just not say what is going through my mind. I spent so many years being muffled and not allowed to have an opinion, then my time in the military taught me to stand up for myself and speak my mind. I have to say a combination of both were not good for my relationship with my husband and probably caused him a huge amount of confusion. As I am older, I am working more on discerning what comes out of my mouth, sometimes I slip, but am much better.
Kmkrn: Swan - Yes that is a "habit" to be learned and practiced--zipping the lips! I can say whatever I want in my head--just don't let it come out of my mouth!
HopinginHim1: Cricket - I truly hope that to be the case. I know, at times, the fact that 5 years has passed (6 since he started some "flirting" with the OW), I get discouraged. I never thought it would take this long. But then, I try to focus on the blessings in my life - time with friends, new interests, etc and find the good in the current. I do believe one day he will make his way home.
Cricket: HopinginHim - Jim always warned us not to lock into the 5 yr period. I also feel that is true with personalities like your H and mine. They have to find their own way and their stubbornness adds to their journey. You are so right in focusing on the blessings. Also, it would probably be more difficult for you to have this time with your Mom if your H were home now and you were trying to work on restoration
HopinginHim1: All - Can anyone speak to the incredible back and forth that goes on with our spouses? It has been 5 years since H left. He is making progress but at times I see bits of replay and other behavior that makes me want to scream. And yet, he is reaching out more to our children and also spending more time with me. We even took a family holiday all together for a week in Florida in February. It can be crazy making!!
Kmkrn: HopinginHim - The road home is loaded with detours and potholes. There is lots of backtracking and back and forth. Fasten your seat belt as Sally Conway would say--it's a heck of a ride!