tos: Thanks, Cricket and Dani. I am concerned about increasing erratic behavior, trying to throw our 19 year old out of the house for coming in late, disappearing without any explanation. It is very much a second adolescence
Dani: tos, I'm sorry. It is so painful to watch. My h also had behavior like that and I thought he was being arrogant and bullish. I did not realize the level of anxiety that was going on inside due to the MLC. He has always dealt with anxiety, but it was just boiling and it came out in hurtful and unreasonable ways. As far as how long it lasts, do you have the book Men In Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway? It was a God-send for me. He says that we can help a spouse move through MLC, but it is a stage that they have to work through.
Swan: MLC is a monster; these guys get so angry and start to have health issues.
Brin: Swan, I agree. Anger causes havoc in the body. Makes people sick!
Cricket: Dumfounded - YES, I wondered about your other son and his wife are doing and if things have gotten better with them and your H.
dumbfounded2: Cricket- The midlife crisis or as my husband says the devil dug in deep is a horrible time for everyone it touches, but there is an end to it if the midlifer allows the process to unfold
tos: So, things here have settled quite a lot, still together, it helps in some ways that kids have returned to empty nest. Dealing with W's depression and moodiness at present, while trying to keep healthy boundaries.
Swan: MLC and depression walk hand in hand, I know for my husband he was very depressed as he jumped head first into MLC and his moods were horrible. For the 30 years prior to MLC, he was a pretty predictable guy, but once MLC arrived, it was more like a floor full of egg shells, never knowing what was going to set him off. Boundaries are really valuable for your own sanity, but also expect others to resist boundaries because it often is going against what they think they want at the moment.
Kmkrn: ALL - The movie is showing for 3 days only in select theaters around the country. So it's not a big block buster kind of movie. And it's Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. They do have a website - AnInterviewWithGod.com I believe.
Swan: KmKrn - sounds like a very real story line, PTSD and damage to marriages are so much a fact.
HopinginHim1: Hannah - My H has never been in the military. He was just the first born who never did anything wrong. He is determined, driven and probably the smartest man I have ever met. He is tremendously successful in his career. Still is.
Hannah: HopinginHim I remember Jim telling us that a lot of pressure is put on the first born. I also remember my h telling me that he had to do what his parents told him to do, then his grandparents when he and his mom lived with them while his dad was in Greenland, then he had to do what his teachers told him to do, then he had to do what his professors told him to do, then the military told him what to do and when he finally retired from the military he said he didn't want anything to do with family or marriage he wanted to go and do what he wanted to do! All about the mlcer!
HopinginHim1: All - I have a quick question. As I had mentioned, H seemed to be drawing closer for awhile. And then, I saw him start to withdraw again as my S entered the residential program. I know he has anxious to attend. I think he was frightened of facing some of what might be said and issues he himself may have to address. Since then, he has remained more distant. However, he made a comment that he wanted to stop drinking at his place and only share some wine when with me (although that didn't last long!) To me that indicates that he is at least processing. However, this year away together - he is clearly more distant. And I haven't always handled things the best. I see evidence of replay here and there. I guess there really isn't a question. Just observations. Any comments you guys may have is always helpful. I am just trying to stay cool and positive but not pushy in any way.
Cricket: HopinginHim - Your son dealing with his issues and although getting help and making progress are also reminders to your H of how his actions may have contributed to your son's issues. They struggle with guilt anyway with mlc but having to face the fallout from their actions is difficult and it's common to withdraw. As your son continues to make progress, your H's guilt will lift related to your son. Your H also hates failing and struggling with alcohol is not easy for anyone but particularly H's like ours who are used to being in control.
Swan: Ladies - I heard from my daughter in law that my son is upset with his dad, there are fires near where my husband lives and he finally returned the kids calls to see how he is. He told our son that there is an evacuation order for his area, however, he isn't going to obey it, it is his house and his belongings, and no one else is going to keep it safe, so he is staying to protect his property. The other woman is long gone; she packed her valuables and bailed out immediately. Can't really say I blame her, he is acting irrationally. Son argued with him about how risky and unwise it is to stay and there really isn't anything he can really do with a water hose against a fire. Supposedly my husband then went into, everyone would be better off if the fire got him anyway, no one cares what happens to him, and he is all alone in the world. My son apparently attempted at first to say he, his wife and son, his sister and others care, but what is new that his dad is being a self-centered jerk. It really is sad that the MLCer is so willing to risk so much and not seem to care about those that love them. My daughter says she is fed up with her father's behavior and son says he is growing tired of it as well; they want to know when the man is going to finally grow up and stop acting like a spoiled two year old brat.
Hannah: Swan I am so sorry about your h but you did say last week you wondered how he would be handling it
Swan: Cricket - The disconnect they seem to develop even with friends they were so tightly bonded to is still head shaking dumbfounded to me. My husband had a friend that he had been in the Marine Corps with, truly brother in Corps. They were in Desert Storm together as well and though they have never given details to anyone, even their wives, the two got into some tight situations and saved each other’s lives while over there. I know the wife of the friend and the other woman do not get along, so there is that strain. This wife and I were not really what I would call friends; we got along, but mostly only hung out when our husband's did something that included us. There are a couple other friends that my husband lost because of the other woman, they either mentioned me or their wives did (one had a wife that insisted on bringing me up every time there were around the other woman, she said she didn't like her and was going to remind her that she didn't belong, even though I asked her not to torment the other woman). In fact my husband has lost most of his friends, those he still calls friends, he never sees and only occasionally communicates with.
Cricket: Swan - Yes, much like what has happened with my H. When we were reconnecting, one of our former officers committed suicide due to his wife having left him for an OM/former co-worker and good friend. My H and I were together when we got the news and my H immediately said we needed to drive to the Dept so he could reach out to the man who took his place as Chief. This man had been a close friend of the officer who took his life and my h knew he could be supportive. THAT is the man I always knew but he hadn't been there for anyone when he was with the OW and after and I split again, my H disconnected again. Even now when my H and my Godson became Police Chief of the Dept we both worked our whole career, my H has been disconnected. The Godson even commented to me that my H must be suffering from PTSD as he has become such a miserable, angry, negative man and he hadn't been that way before. My H's best friend (the Godson's father) has to really work at retaining a relationship with my H and this man had been the best man in my both my H's weddings to both OW. This man had been our best man too but he is the one person that it should not be hard to maintain a relationship with.
Swan: I am sadly losing interest in what is happening in my husband's life recently. I still love and care about him, but I don't know that I want to be subjected to his anger and the wrath that comes with it. I truly believe that God keeps me protected and that is mostly why there is no contact with my husband. I just don't think I could deal with that mess, I lived an abusive childhood, some abuse from my husband even thought typically not directed at me, but being in the path was bad enough. I am still open to reconciliation, but there would have to be some changes, I respect myself too much to put myself in the path of anyone's anger, even my husband's.
Hannah: Swan I feel for you. I can relate to a certain extent, I didn't have an abusive childhood, I had a very good childhood but my his still angry at me, he went through a stage where he was pleasant and talked to me about my family when I saw him at our son's house but now he can't look at me or be in the same as me. Although he did send a very nice note when my mum passed. He said if there were more people like her and my dad the world would be a better place.
Brin: Swan, amazing that the OW is feeling so insecure especially when they have been on the verge of divorcing a number of times. Nice that your H is being protective of you. But I do hope he is able to accept the job offer!
Swan: Brin - I look at it this way, she may be making the demands, but his is accepting them and following, that is on him and him alone. I agree it was nice that he even considered how it might affect me, but there are times when he has commented to others "with all he did to me" or sometime similar. The job is down closer to San Diego, I don't go down there, and have no reason to, so I don't see any problems, but the other woman does so...