buttons: swan I totally understand the spouse living in the house and it being challenging to be in chat. That was always my challenge in early years. Now I've kind of explained to H a bit about the site and such and come on when he's not in the room or not being present in the same room so that he doesn't feel like I'm ignoring him or what we're doing
Swan: buttons - I agree our spouses don't want to feel we are ignoring them when we are chatting on line, if we try to hide it from them that will only make them think something is going on. And then as in this man's situation, she got really upset with him because she felt he was talking bad about her. He tried to show her, but unfortunately there was a member at that time frame that was doing a little husband bashing and this man's wife didn't like that and assumed he was doing the same in regards to her, so he stopped coming into chat, but he does go to the site, read the chats and any updated information on the site.
Swan: Hannah - No, I used to send him birthday cards every year and for years he would ask the kids to tell me thanks, he appreciated that I remembered. A few years back I sent him an e-card as usual and got the nastiest mean spirited email from him, then he called both of the kids and told them his wife had seen my birthday wish and to tell me to never contact him again, spewing all kinds of nasty things, so out of respect to him, I honor his request and no longer send him a card or attempt to contact him.
Hannah: Swan wow. I use to send my h e cards up to 2 years ago and he did open them but then when I saw him he wouldn't even stay in the same room as me (at my sons) so I just stopped sending them.
Little Magpie: Bill: I know but our nest is nearly empty and we can't talk to each other. Even when we are in the same room or vehicle
Bill: Little Magpie: This tends to be a tough transition for couples. The strain of life and the departure of loved ones who were the focus of life for so many years creates a need for a "re-creation" of the relationship. You and H are more connected than you realize. My guess is the kids were the subject of your lives for so long there is a void now that no one knows how to fill. Pray for wisdom and watch with curiosity. New areas of interest and connection will rise but they are hard to see at first.
Beth: Dani a friend always say our mind tells us one thing and our body another thing. So true. We often feel we can take the world in us but can’t get very far before we are tired.
Dani: Beth, I agree, and my problem is, I always think I can do more than there are hours in the day. I know I am not alone in this, but then I stay up too late at night trying to accomplish all the things I THINK I need to get done. Some of them are just priority in my own mind because I want to do them like Christmas cards, decorating, etc.
tos: Right, Swan- I am amazed at how similar the stories are even among those who don't recognize it as MLC
Swan: tos - yeah the script is so similar, in some cases the words are exact. As Jim says, not everyone believes midlife crisis is a real thing, some claim it is just an excuse for bad behavior and others take more of a Hollywood view of it. I can attest that it is very real and manages to affect many people not only the one going through it.
tos: Thanks, Cricket and Dani. I am concerned about increasing erratic behavior, trying to throw our 19 year old out of the house for coming in late, disappearing without any explanation. It is very much a second adolescence
Dani: tos, I'm sorry. It is so painful to watch. My h also had behavior like that and I thought he was being arrogant and bullish. I did not realize the level of anxiety that was going on inside due to the MLC. He has always dealt with anxiety, but it was just boiling and it came out in hurtful and unreasonable ways. As far as how long it lasts, do you have the book Men In Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway? It was a God-send for me. He says that we can help a spouse move through MLC, but it is a stage that they have to work through.
Swan: MLC is a monster; these guys get so angry and start to have health issues.
Brin: Swan, I agree. Anger causes havoc in the body. Makes people sick!
Cricket: Dumfounded - YES, I wondered about your other son and his wife are doing and if things have gotten better with them and your H.
dumbfounded2: Cricket- The midlife crisis or as my husband says the devil dug in deep is a horrible time for everyone it touches, but there is an end to it if the midlifer allows the process to unfold
tos: So, things here have settled quite a lot, still together, it helps in some ways that kids have returned to empty nest. Dealing with W's depression and moodiness at present, while trying to keep healthy boundaries.
Swan: MLC and depression walk hand in hand, I know for my husband he was very depressed as he jumped head first into MLC and his moods were horrible. For the 30 years prior to MLC, he was a pretty predictable guy, but once MLC arrived, it was more like a floor full of egg shells, never knowing what was going to set him off. Boundaries are really valuable for your own sanity, but also expect others to resist boundaries because it often is going against what they think they want at the moment.
Kmkrn: ALL - The movie is showing for 3 days only in select theaters around the country. So it's not a big block buster kind of movie. And it's Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. They do have a website - AnInterviewWithGod.com I believe.
Swan: KmKrn - sounds like a very real story line, PTSD and damage to marriages are so much a fact.
HopinginHim1: Hannah - My H has never been in the military. He was just the first born who never did anything wrong. He is determined, driven and probably the smartest man I have ever met. He is tremendously successful in his career. Still is.
Hannah: HopinginHim I remember Jim telling us that a lot of pressure is put on the first born. I also remember my h telling me that he had to do what his parents told him to do, then his grandparents when he and his mom lived with them while his dad was in Greenland, then he had to do what his teachers told him to do, then he had to do what his professors told him to do, then the military told him what to do and when he finally retired from the military he said he didn't want anything to do with family or marriage he wanted to go and do what he wanted to do! All about the mlcer!