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June 19, 2018 / Tuesday

Swan: HopinginHim - something a wonderful lady told me once was to try to find at least one positive in all situations, when I did, I often was able to focus more on that positive, even when it was only a single and small one and the circling negative wasn't able to beat me down as often.

HopinginHim1: Swan - I think that is great advice!!! I will try that too! When you force your mind to look for the positive often you remember things you had overlooked. I am very thankful my son made it into the program and he had been struggling not that long before. His struggle periods are less long and less deep than before and that is something to be thankful about as well. I am also thankful that H is clearly trying to make amends with the children. That is a big positive. And I am also thankful that he still continues to stop over most nights even if for an hour or so to chat with me. That is also a positive. What else is going on in his life is conjecture on my part. And I learned from the family program that one negative cognitive thinking pattern is "deciding" on a belief that is not known. Assuming things to be true that we cannot know.

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June 19, 2018 / Tuesday

Kmkrn: Welcome all to chat!

Swan: Hi KmKrn - How has this week been for you?

Kmkrn: Swan - Good and busy. How about you?

Swan: KmKrn - Same, busy but doing well.

Kmkrn: Swan - What's not good?

Swan: KmKrn - I don't know if there is a theme on television right now, but it seems there have been several movies, especially Lifetime that deal with adultery and one spouse or the other person trying to kill the abandoned spouse. I caught myself the other night when a commercial was on for one of these movies thinking, "at least neither my husband nor the other woman tried to kill me." I had to laugh when I caught myself, what thought to pop into my mind!

Swan: KmKrn - "What's not good?" All is pretty good with me, just busy and tired sometimes, but other than that, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, people that love me, etc.

Kmkrn: Swan - I read your response too quickly because I was talking to my daughter on the phone. Oops!

Kmkrn: Swan - I always wonder how anyone could really kill another person...especially someone that they loved. It makes no sense to me.

Kmkrn: Swan - How was Father's Day? That is always a difficult one for MLC.

Swan: KmKrn - I agree, when I was in the Marine Corps we did combat and sniper training and I was fine shooting at targets, but when we did the simulation town and people like images popped out at me, I often hesitated. Even when it was the bad guy, I just had a hard time pulling the trigger. I can honestly say that even with the massive changes in my husband since MLC, I don't think he would have the ability to try to harm me that way, I can't speak for the other woman, so don't know there.

Kmkrn: Swan - My H got to spend Father's Day with our daughter & son-in-law for lunch after church, and then with our son & 2 adorable grandchildren after that. So it was a good day for him.

Swan: KmKrn - Father's Day was ok for me, many of the years during our marriage my husband was away during holidays and some deployments we couldn't even talk to him. I do wonder how it was for my husband; he has cycled back into the tunnel even with the kids, so neither of them bothered this year. As they both say, it isn't worth the cost of cards and gifts when he is just going to either send them back or destroy them and then send them an email letting them know they shouldn't send him anything and what he did with it. They both say they will just wait for him to get past his current state and will deal with that kind of stuff later. Although my daughter says it makes her angry when he acts like he does and then when they don't send him anything or call him (which he won't answer his phone for) and then he complains to old friends that his kids didn't acknowledge him, fortunately the friends know him well and one will call him out on it.

Swan: KmKrn - That is good for him, they miss out on so much when they are in the tunnel, glad your husband is out and appreciating family.

Kmkrn: Swan - Wow! How horrible for everyone that he acts that way! What a shame! My H appreciates how blessed he is to be an active part of his family. It's nothing short of a miracle when you know how he was during MLC.

Swan: KmKrn - Sadly I know exactly what the kids are talking about, during the last 5 or so years of our marriage my husband did that, he would often disown people and when he cuts someone out, they are completely out. Sad thing is that his parents both passed away during that time, he hadn't spoken to his dad in maybe 6 years when he died and when we went to the funeral we found out that his mother had Alzheimer’s and didn't really know anyone anymore. But the moment my mother in law was wheeled into the chapel, she started calling out my husband's name and wouldn't stop until he went up and sat next to her. I couldn't believe it, he was just sitting there and actually said to me, "let's go, I can't deal with this", I told him to get over himself and get his butt up there and sit next to his mother, he gave me a shocked look and told me, he couldn't. I told him he would leave without me, because I was not going to disrespect his father or family that way. He sat back down, she was still calling his name, so I went up and sat with her, she quieted a little, but it wasn't until he finally gave in and came up that she stopped. Granted, she did her typical of disowning him because we couldn't get leave to go to her house for Christmas one year, and usually when she did that (she did it to all her kids), after a few days the kids would call and beg her forgiveness, this time he say he was going to let her disown him and he was not going to crawl, he was done doing that. Years went by and look how it sadly came to a close.

Kmkrn: Swan - I can't imagine why he is still acting so badly toward his grown children. He is just making everyone (mostly himself) miserable. He will have so many regrets that will be "too late" to mend. So sad!

Swan: KmKrn - To be honest it is what he learned, what I think he is comfortable with and MLC only gives himself justification for his bad behavior. His mother was famous for cutting her children and grandchildren out of her life whenever anyone did anything that didn't fall in line with her wants and thoughts. For my husband, his children do not agree with his choices, they prefer to just say nothing and did so for years, but from what I have been told the other woman stirs the pot and my children are fed up with her. Years back she screamed at my grandson who was only 5 at the time because he said my name. My husband got upset with her for doing that, but my son got up, they packed up my grandson and left. That upset my husband too and there was a battle over it. Just stuff like that happens and my husband behaves like a spoiled temper tantrum two year old. It is just sad.

Kmkrn: Swan - How awful that he hasn't yet "learned his lesson" and figured out that the people in your own family are so important and that his behavior will affect many generations.

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn and Swan - Good Evening Ladies! How are you both doing tonight?

Kmkrn: Welcome HopinginHim1. How are you?

Swan: KmKrn - Too late is a factor, my husband has a heart condition and he might find his too late staring him in the face one day. I have spoke with both of my children and they wish things were different and I often tell them to please be open to their father's changes and not shut any doors, they say they want a relationship with him and the door is open, but at the same time they are not going to put up with his raging violent outburst and I don't blame them for that. One would think he would have learned with the loss of his parents that time is precious and shouldn't be taken for granted.

Swan: Hi HopinginHim

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - I am doing ok. Thank you. There is a lot going on these last few weeks and its all beginning to weigh on me a bit. How are you doing?

Swan: HopinginHim - I am doing well.

HopinginHim1: Swan - Hi! I was just trying to catch up but didn't get too far! How was your weekend? Did you celebrate Father's Day with your son?

Swan: HopinginHim - When things weigh on us it is never good, want to share maybe we can help or just be a sounding board

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - I'm good. What's up?

Swan: HopinginHim - I did, they spent much of the day with my daughter in laws family, but when they got home we celebrated for my son.

HopinginHim1: Swan - Oh boy well firstly my eldest (of his own volition) entered a 19 day residential rehab program. I am so proud of him but it sure is hard. My H and I and our two other kids visited on Saturday and then my H and I both went on Sunday. It is hard seeing him there. He is doing well and I know he really wants to be past his addiction. He is making good progress and has for some time but still I wonder about my H. Is all of this an addiction of his? Sexual? Alcohol? There are some signs that definitely make me think it might me. That weighs on my heart. Also H was very distant while there. He seems to be drawing back lately and I believe there are signs that while he is backing away (in some ways) from me the opposite is happening with the OW. That is just hard after 5.5 years. In addition, my mother has become quite ill again. My siblings look to me to help solve the issues. It takes a lot of mental and physical energy and I am tired. I seem to have less energy these days and a lot of this weighs on my mind.

HopinginHim1: Swan - Sorry. I try really hard not to complain and to be positive but right now I really struggle mentally with not wanting to just walk away from the battle.

HopinginHim1: Swan - However. On a positive note I mentioned to my H about a trip he was taking for business that would have him away the night of our youngest daughter's prom. He had mentioned he didn't want to go and others from North America were also not going. So I suggested that he may wish to cancel as it is important for a daughter, on such an important night to hear her dad tell her how beautiful she is. A few days later he called her and told her he had cancelled his trip. I was flabbergasted. That is a definite first! He is definitely trying hard with the kids it seems. He really wants to know they love him.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim1 - Wow! You do have a lot on your plate! Just take a minute to breathe & know that Jesus is with you on this journey.

Swan: HopinginHim - I am very proud of your son for entering rehab on his own, it is typically much better for them when they have hit rock bottom and make that choice for themselves. Yes, it is very difficult to see our children in that state and I remember for myself I wanted to be the mama bear and jump in and rescue my son, but letting go while being there for him and allowing the rehab staff to do what they do well was the better choice. Something I learned in going to the family meetings at my son's rehab is that addiction can be hereditary and my husband has many of those traits as well as many of his siblings. Please take care of yourself, when we go into mama bear mode, often we tend to take on so much for everyone else and ignore our own needs and health.

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Thank you. I know it is a battle to settle my mind on truth. I am trying hard to remember that He is perfectly in control and that He is weaving a perfect story in my life that will bring Him glory. I was reading in Philippians this morning about Paul rejoicing while in jail. I should have that outlook but it can be a struggle at times to fix our mind on truth rather than our feelings.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim1 - Yes, count all the small blessings and they will add up. I did a lot of "biting my tongue" or "zipping my lips" on many issues, and soon they were not issues anymore. Keep the faith!

Swan: HopinginHim - that is great that he is cancelling a trip for your daughter, an awesome step forward.

HopinginHim1: Swan - Thank you. Very wise words! I have learned over these last 4 or more years of my son's battle with marijuana use that the steps forward have to come from him (a lot like my H!) I do truly believe that he is making is way (sort of 2 steps forward and one step back). Thankfully his rock bottom has not been what many have suffered. But he is learning from each slip and is determined to keep moving forward. But yes I wonder if my H is suffering from addictions as well. I pray that the Lord would use the "family program" we are participating in to prick his conscience and speak some truth into him as well.

Swan: HopinginHim - something a wonderful lady told me once was to try to find at least one positive in all situations, when I did, I often was able to focus more on that positive, even when it was only a single and small one and the circling negative wasn't able to beat me down as often.

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Thank you. I am trying. I am pretty good and zipping my lips. Often really never "confront" my H at all. I learned a long time ago that any criticism is met with defensiveness. So rarely will I say anything and if I do it’s always in a calm, loving way. Like the prom night suggestion.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - There are many addictions associated with MLC, but the truth is that you can't deal with them (only your H & your son can do that).

HopinginHim1: Swan - I think that is great advice!!! I will try that too! When you force your mind to look for the positive often you remember things you had overlooked. I am very thankful my son made it into the program and he had been struggling not that long before. His struggle periods are less long and less deep than before and that is something to be thankful about as well. I am also thankful that H is clearly trying to make amends with the children. That is a big positive. And I am also thankful that he still continues to stop over most nights even if for an hour or so to chat with me. That is also a positive. What else is going on in his life is conjecture on my part. And I learned from the family program that one negative cognitive thinking pattern is "deciding" on a belief that is not known. Assuming things to be true that we cannot know.

Swan: HopinginHim - When my son was in rehab, my husband attended the first few meetings, but became very uncomfortable in them, he would make nasty little comments as we drove home and then he started making excuses to not be able to attend. That went for a couple weeks, then we had a meeting with the base magistrate and when he asked how my son's rehab was going and how the family meetings were going, my husband attempted to give his excuses to the magistrate, but that didn't work and was told that complete attendance by everyone in the family especially the military member was mandatory. Fortunate for us my husband was active duty and since my son got caught on base, it was a military matter. He seemed to take what was learned in the meetings to heart for a time, but then when MLC slapped our world hard, it was like all he learned left. I do wonder if there are times now that those lessons creep into his thought process.

Kmkrn: HopinginHim1 - You are so right about any negatives being met with criticism. He will appreciate you being a support in the long run. And your son too!

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Yes indeed. That is very true. And I am thankful that my son is working on them! He even told me that he has started to pray again. He walked away from the Lord when he realized my H had left because of an affair. He said he is praying to a God not necessarily of the bible exactly but at least he is praying. I pray that the Lord would answer him and reveal himself to my son and he seeks after truth.

HopinginHim1: All - we are planning on attending both Saturday and Sunday of this weekend as well. My son struggles with anxiety (especially when he isn't using) and I know that it is helpful for him to have a bit of a break with us there and I think it’s helpful just visually to know that we are very supportive of him.

HopinginHim1: Swan and Kmkrn - Thank you both so much for your encouragement.

Swan: HopinginHim - Interestingly one of the things we started the family meetings with was the Serenity Prayer and this was not a Christian treatment center.

HopinginHim1: Swan - I visit my mother every Wednesday and as she is out of town, I am never back in time for chat. How are things going with Bill on Wednesday's?

HopinginHim1: Swan - Exactly! They do the same at this centre. It is not Christian based either but is very strongly linked with the 12 step program. They are not allowed any material (no music, no books etc) that isn't recovery related. I saw my son's roommate carrying a bible the other day so clearly there is access to the bible. That is also a real positive!

Swan: HopinginHim - Still slow, last week it was just he and I. Some weeks there are a few in the room, but others no one. I am glad you get to spend every Wednesday with your mother, as we were saying early in chat; there can be so much regret when we don't make time for our family.

HopinginHim1: Swan - Well although some weeks are slow, I am glad that other weeks there are a few coming in! I remember one member mentioning how much it helped her to know how to formulate questions to help her H begin to reflect and share.

Swan: Ladies - I hate to do this, but I have to head out. HopinginHim - we are also here on Sunday if you can make it and if you just need a sounding board, you can email me. I will respond as soon as I can.

HopinginHim1: Swan - I have to admit some times when I am sitting at night working on paperwork from the office. I often have the TV on just for background noise. Crazy but it seems the last few weeks I have been inundated with shows where the H kills the separated wife or newly restored wife! I think that I need to find other programs for distraction! LOL!!

HopinginHim1: Swan - Thank you so so much!! I really appreciate that! I am trying to get up early and get in some regular exercise as well. That is often helpful for my state of mind too! But I will try Sunday night or an email! Thank you! Please take good care this week! Hope to see you soon!

Kmkrn: ALL - Lord, we pray for families around the world tonight that suffer from MLC and many other addictions. Please hold our loved ones in Your loving hands and guide us to know how to help them.

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - I will sign out as well. I have kept you both well past your time! Thanks for your kind encouragement! Have a blessed and joy filled week!!

Kmkrn: HopinginHim - Try Christian radio! That works for me! I never turn a TV on.

HopinginHim1: Kmkrn - Amen!!! Thank you!

Swan: HopinginHim - something a wonderful lady told me once was to try to find at least one positive in all situations, when I did, I often was able to focus more on that positive, even when it was only a single and small one and the circling negative wasn't able to beat me down as often.

HopinginHim1: Swan - I think that is great advice!!! I will try that too! When you force your mind to look for the positive often you remember things you had overlooked. I am very thankful my son made it into the program and he had been struggling not that long before. His struggle periods are less long and less deep than before and that is something to be thankful about as well. I am also thankful that H is clearly trying to make amends with the children. That is a big positive. And I am also thankful that he still continues to stop over most nights even if for an hour or so to chat with me. That is also a positive. What else is going on in his life is conjecture on my part. And I learned from the family program that one negative cognitive thinking pattern is "deciding" on a belief that is not known. Assuming things to be true that we cannot know.

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